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How to keep this child safe (6 years old)?


bethben
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My six year old does not have much safety sense about her.  Our neighbor has just mentioned to us how often she has been seen playing on the corner of the sidewalk (or even in the street) on a residential street corner that has traffic zipping around it quickly. These times are usually times I thought she was riding her bike on said sidewalk.  

 

So, here's a for instance...she asks to play with the next door neighbor.  I tell her she is welcome to invite him to play in the backyard.  I go over with her a few times where she is allowed to play--the backyard.  I give her scenarios of what happens if her friend wants to ride bikes?  "I'll say no!"  What if he wants to play in the garage?  "I'll say no!"  Where are you going to play?  "The backyard!"  So she goes to invite him to play.  Five minutes later, I don't see her in the backyard.  She is playing with him in his minivan in their garage!!!  She "forgot".  I spent five minutes explaining to her where she should play, how she should respond and the consequence (having to stay inside).  She forgot in less than 5 minutes everything!   I would like to give her more freedom to play outside by herself.  I just can't watch her constantly.  I can't.  It really requires me being outside watching her like a hawk.  What can I do? She loves being outside and has a much better attitude being outside, but she can't keep herself safe.  HELP!

 

Beth

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On most military posts children under 10 are supposed to be under "direct supervision" at all times. Their parents are supposed to be watching them. That is what I did when my kids were younger. I just sat outside with a book while they played. Parents manage to do this all the time, even with busy lives, other kids and deployed spouses.

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I don't think I would let her be out front by herself if she doesn't understand basic safety rules. Can she play in your backyard by herself safely?

Nope - she forgets to stay in the back.  I can at least watch her out there if she would stay out there.  I've got a good view of the whole backyard.  She's always having to come in because she wanders to the front.  

 

Beth

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On most military posts children under 10 are supposed to be under "direct supervision" at all times. Their parents are supposed to be watching them. That is what I did when my kids were younger. I just sat outside with a book while they played. Parents manage to do this all the time, even with busy lives, other kids and deployed spouses.

 

Ditto.  It might mean that I have to put off a chore or sit outside when I really don't want to, but I think it is the best choice.  

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Can you work up to playing outside? This is what I have been doing with my son. He's a pretty cautious kid so I don't worry about him running off, but it still should work for a more impulsive kiddo. I started when he was 3 letting him walk down the driveway to the mailbox to check the mail and I would let him play outside right in front of the front door (we have a stone path out front). I'd peek out the window at him every minute or so to start and then gradually wait a little longer. Then last spring, I'd let him play in the smaller half of the yard (we have two side yards and not much in front or back) and walk down to the river on our side of the road. I've been extra cautious with him because of this river. This summer (5 years) I let him play anywhere on our property (.5 acre) or walk across the street - we live on a rural dirt road with not much traffic and play down in the river on that side. I'm down to checking on him every 5-10 min. Gradually loosen the reins. 

 

So in the beginning - every minute. Check on her. If she's not where she's supposed to be (front porch to start?) remind her and bring her back. Then when she's remembering that ok, loosen up incrementally. 

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I think we have the same child except mine just turned 7, I don't have time to watch her every second, I don't have time to sit and watch her play. I get home from work and have a ton of chores to do, sitting and watching kids play outside is not an option. In our case her lack of self preservation means she gets kept inside, we have wild animals here and she will try to get closer to them. I'd rather not have her killed by a moose, Canadian wolf or deer protecting her babies. Neither of my kids have any self preservation instincts:(

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 I would like to give her more freedom to play outside by herself.  I just can't watch her constantly.  I can't.  It really requires me being outside watching her like a hawk.  What can I do? 

 

You can stop saying you can't and do it!  Your child's safety is the most important.  If it is a choice behavior, she'll stop because she doesn't want to be treated like she is three years old.  If it isn't that she's just being defiant, you'll be doing what you need to do to keep her safe.  Now, for the backyard, you might be able to secure your yard a bit more.  If not though?  Then you do whatever it takes! PERIOD.  This isn't an optional thing.

 

 

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Part of the problem is that I have quite a bit of inside work to do with her oldest special needs brother.  He'll be going back to school, but I'm still busy schooling two other children during the day.  No fence - no hope of a fence...She's just a different child than her two older/able brothers.  They have had a lot of freedom comparably because they stuck to the rules.  Her only requirement for increased freedom is to stay in the backyard when I tell her to.  My option right now is that she will have to be inside quite a bit more until I can directly supervise her outside.  I don't even think she sees that as an issue that her mom has to watch her like a toddler.  She's just impulsive.

 

beth 

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Part of the problem is that I have quite a bit of inside work to do with her oldest special needs brother.  He'll be going back to school, but I'm still busy schooling two other children during the day.  No fence - no hope of a fence...She's just a different child than her two older/able brothers.  They have had a lot of freedom comparably because they stuck to the rules.  Her only requirement for increased freedom is to stay in the backyard when I tell her to.  My option right now is that she will have to be inside quite a bit more until I can directly supervise her outside.  I don't even think she sees that as an issue that her mom has to watch her like a toddler.  She's just impulsive.

 

beth 

 

How much more freedom could a child that age possibly have, beyond playing alone and unsupervised in the yard?  :huh:   I'm almost afraid to ask what your other two did at that age.  

 

We also live on a busy road, and my dd simply doesn't go outside without me.  A lot of kids that age generally don't have the common sense to keep themselves safe in that kind of a situation.  Is it a hassle if I have things I need to do inside but my dd is going stir-crazy and wants to go outside?  Of course it is.  But you don't let your child put herself in a dangerous situation because doing something about it is inconvenient.

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Unfortunately I think at this point she will just have to stay in sight of you at all times.  That means if you are inside, she will have to be inside.  My daughter was the same way and I couldn't let her out of my sight until she was about 9 or 10.  She had no sense of what danger was at all. 

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She is too young to be outside without supervision.  It is not a discipline issue, it is a "children are impulsive at that age" issue.   My older three grew up on an military installation--probably the safest community you can get, but they were never out front by themselves.  Period.  Even in the backyard they were where I could see them at all times (we had windows that allowed you to see the entire back yard from the living room/dining room.)  Of course the base rules dictated that they could not be out unsupervised until they were 10...and since my husband was a cop, we obeyed the rules (if his wife does not follow the rules, how can he enforce them on anyone else?)...but I can honestly say that even if the base did not have those requirements, we would have never let them out unsupervised that young.  There is just too much that can happen.  There are obviously the danger issues (playing in the street, stranger danger), but kids that age tend to wander off, they tend to play with things that do not belong to them, they tend to mess with other peoples things, etc.  Six is still "training time."  Training them to stay in the boundaries, being respectful of the neighbors yards/things, SAFETY---and correcting them instantly.  

 

Is it convenient? Of course not, but you still have to do it.  It may mean that you come up with different ways of doing things.  Play out back (only if it is secure enough that she can't get out)--watch her go ask the neighbor to come over to play...and watch her come back.  Take whatever you need to do out front with you--I have read, folded laundry, schooled my older children...all in the front yard.  Tell her she can't play outside right now--play in her room, fold the towels, do a puzzle, make her a "busy box" with things like paper, crayons, water colors, play dough, stamps, stickers--teach her to only use it at the table and to put it all away when she is done, let her watch a movie, or play an appropriate video game--yes, I said movies and video games.  It is ok!  It for sure is better than her being ran over by a car, or lost because she is wandering around. 

 

 

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I salute you for trying to expand your daughter's independence.  However, she has shown by her impulsiveness that she is not ready for the freedom you want her to have.

 

May I suggest that you put some engaging stuff in your own backyard and tell her to stay there and play with that.  And if she wants to do ANYTHING else, she has to ask you EVERY time.  Hang out indoors in a place where she can't easily see you (in my house, I could be washing dishes and still see outside).  Every time she strays even a step from where you told her she could be, call her on it and have her do a time-out or something (whatever works for you).  Get your neighbor on board with this as well - maybe you could take turns doing this high-level surveillance for a while.  When she has no opportunities to have fun outside of the "allowed" area, then hopefully she will start remembering to ask so she can go a little farther.  But keep an eye on her until she develops your trust.  If there are times when you can't watch her, unfortunately she will have to play indoors until she matures a little.

 

There is nothing wrong with a child that age playing in the backyard, assuming there are no present dangers or attractive nuisances.  My kids were able to do this at a much younger age, but all kids are different.

 

Good luck!

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I would like to give her more freedom to play outside by herself.  I just can't watch her constantly.  I can't.  It really requires me being outside watching her like a hawk.  What can I do? She loves being outside and has a much better attitude being outside, but she can't keep herself safe.  HELP!

 

Beth

 

All due respect, sure you can. You can and you should. That's it.

 

She is six years old. She's not supposed to keep herself safe. You are supposed to supervise her. I say again, gently, SHE IS SIX YEARS OLD. She has been caught playing near a busy street corner, playing inside of a vehicle -- she is demonstrating that she is not capable of playing without supervision.

 

I know it's easy to expect more from our children than they are able to give sometimes. I have certainly been there. Your daughter's safety is paramount, obviously.

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If you have one special needs kid who needs your attention and you can't give your six year old the attention she deserves, perhaps you could put her into a daycare for a few hours in the afternoon where she would have supervised and safe outdoor play?

 

One church in my neighborhood has a special daycare a few days a week just in the afternoons so that stay at home mothers can run errands without their kids. It's not very expensive.  Perhaps you could find an activity like that?

 

If she's a very bright child I'd say it's likely that she is misbehaving purposely in order to get the attention from you that she feels she is missing.

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Part of the problem is that I have quite a bit of inside work to do with her oldest special needs brother.  He'll be going back to school, but I'm still busy schooling two other children during the day.  No fence - no hope of a fence...She's just a different child than her two older/able brothers.  They have had a lot of freedom comparably because they stuck to the rules.  Her only requirement for increased freedom is to stay in the backyard when I tell her to.  My option right now is that she will have to be inside quite a bit more until I can directly supervise her outside.  I don't even think she sees that as an issue that her mom has to watch her like a toddler.  She's just impulsive.

 

beth

 

Then so be it. 

 

Btw, forgetfulness, impulsiveness...unaware of her own safety? Have you considered adhd? Girls can look a whole lot different than the typified  adhd boy.   

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Then so be it. 

 

Btw, forgetfulness, impulsiveness...unaware of her own safety? Have you considered adhd? Girls can look a whole lot different than the typified  adhd boy.

She's totally adhd as far as I can tell. I'm having trouble adjusting to that reality because it's looking so different than my other two typical kids. I keep thinking she should be able to play like the others did in our backyard where I can keep an eye on her. I just keep smacking into the reality that she just can't. I've been trying to teach her this for over a year. Just when I think she's getting it, moments like today make me realize she really hasn't. She's a ton better than she used to be and it fools me into thinking she can handle a simple command. I guess we're back to full time supervision.Big sigh.

 

Beth

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I am going to deviate from what seems to be the surprisingly popular opinion and say that I would be fine letting a 6 year old play in the backyard unsupervised. We did it as kids, at 6 I remember exploring the bushland behind the yard and playing in the culdesac (though, I DID have safety sense) and I dislike the idea that children cannot be trusted or independent. I'd rather they learn to use their freedom wisely. I let my 3 year old play out in the backyard without me out there (we have windows that I look out of regularly, and I listen for trouble)

 

Having said that, with my daughter being only 3 my backyard is completely contained except for a big gate because she is not yet responsible to be outside of the yard, and if my daughter opened that big gate without me present, I would make sure she would not 'forget' again. Also, I do not have experience with an ADHD child, so you need to consider how that effects things. But I would try to find a way to contain her to the backyard until she earns the privilege of more freedom, and if she simply will not do as she is told and stay in the yard, she just has to stay inside and watch everyone else playing. Until she can be trusted to move outside the yard, she should be prevented from moving outside the yard. Can you set up makeshift barriers of some sort? Some boards? If she is a climber, I know this sounds terrible, but if you're desperate, could you string some barbed wire (simply as a deterrent from climbing over the fence! Obviously she needs to be smart enough to know not to actually try and touch it)

 

I understand your trouble with a child who NEEDS to be outside, it must be a difficult situation. 

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I am going to deviate from what seems to be the surprisingly popular opinion and say that I would be fine letting a 6 year old play in the backyard unsupervised.

 

Most people aren't saying that 6yos shouldn't play out back with limited supervision.  THey are saying THIS six year old who has proven she can't or won't stay in the backyard playing appropriately should be better supervised as that is what THIS six year old needs. Mom has tried for over a year to get the child to handle the responsibility and opportunity. She can't or won't. She can't just be allowed to put herself in dangerous situations.  THIS six year old needs more supervision. 

 

 

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I am going to deviate from what seems to be the surprisingly popular opinion and say that I would be fine letting a 6 year old play in the backyard unsupervised. We did it as kids, at 6 I remember exploring the bushland behind the yard and playing in the culdesac (though, I DID have safety sense) and I dislike the idea that children cannot be trusted or independent. I'd rather they learn to use their freedom wisely. I let my 3 year old play out in the backyard without me out there (we have windows that I look out of regularly, and I listen for trouble)

 

Having said that, with my daughter being only 3 my backyard is completely contained except for a big gate because she is not yet responsible to be outside of the yard, and if my daughter opened that big gate without me present, I would make sure she would not 'forget' again. Also, I do not have experience with an ADHD child, so you need to consider how that effects things. But I would try to find a way to contain her to the backyard until she earns the privilege of more freedom, and if she simply will not do as she is told and stay in the yard, she just has to stay inside and watch everyone else playing. Until she can be trusted to move outside the yard, she should be prevented from moving outside the yard. Can you set up makeshift barriers of some sort? Some boards? If she is a climber, I know this sounds terrible, but if you're desperate, could you string some barbed wire (simply as a deterrent from climbing over the fence! Obviously she needs to be smart enough to know not to actually try and touch it)

 

I understand your trouble with a child who NEEDS to be outside, it must be a difficult situation. 

 

There's a world of difference between "young child playing in an enclosed backyard" and "young child who randomly wanders into oncoming traffic playing in an unenclosed yard."  If I had a backyard that was completely fenced in and I lived in a safe area, I'd probably let my dd go outside by herself for short periods of time too.  Things are very different when you live next to a busy road.

 

And I thought the OP said she didn't have a fenced yard?  Maybe I read that wrong.

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There's a world of difference between "young child playing in an enclosed backyard" and "young child who randomly wanders into oncoming traffic playing in an unenclosed yard."  If I had a backyard that was completely fenced in and I lived in a safe area, I'd probably let my dd go outside by herself for short periods of time too.  Things are very different when you live next to a busy road.

 

And I thought the OP said she didn't have a fenced yard?  Maybe I read that wrong.

 

Exactly. The OP did state that her yard was not enclosed.

 

Some kids are more compliant than others. Some are capable of following instructions earlier than others. That's fine. *This* child is not ready to play outside unsupervised, for whatever reason.

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This will most likely sound harsh. All of your chores and whatever else you have to do will not be good enough when you have to explain why she got run over by a car. It won't make anyone feel better if she gets snatched while she is out wondering. My autistic son is 15 and I just let him ride his bike down our country road. My 9 year old can't be out alone. I do have a fenced yard we live in the middle of no where it don't matter. When one of them is put in the hospital and people say was doing the dishes worth all this? If you can't watch her she stays in period.

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On most military posts children under 10 are supposed to be under "direct supervision" at all times. Their parents are supposed to be watching them. That is what I did when my kids were younger. I just sat outside with a book while they played. Parents manage to do this all the time, even with busy lives, other kids and deployed spouses.

I agree. I've spent years sitting outside with a cup of tea watching my littles play to help them learn the rules for outdoor play. Just now as my youngest is 8 I've been able to come inside to take care of dinner or other housework while mine play outside. They are all now old enough to tell me where they will be, follow the rules of the road on their bikes, and come home to check in at certain times. My youngest still needs reminders and he has to check in more often then his older sisters. I wouldn't expect a 6 year old to show good judgement outside unsupervised.

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I agree with the majority - she's shown she can't be left unsupervised in your situation.  A fence may help, more fun things to play with may help, setting up playdates  may help.  But it's clear, leaving her to play alone isn't going to do it.

 

I had to accept that my son cannot be trusted to play alone, or with his younger sister, in our backyard unsupervised for very long.  I can run into the bathroom, or to grab something, but I need to get back out pretty quickly.  We're pretty sure he has some adhd or something going on, but whatever it is we know he has pretty poor impulse control (we were walking in our neighborhood about a year ago and he went in front of a moving car because he was "going to fight the dragon!!" - yeah, he's super imaginative also).   We are in a quiet, dead-end neighborhood but we regularly see bears and have a few poorly trained/controlled dogs so I'm not taking any chances.

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Just for clarity, I do not believe 6 is too young to play outside unsupervised for a period of time - even in an "unenclosed" backyard.  I believe *this* six-year-old isn't ready for it based on the OP.

 

What I did with my kids (when they were much younger - starting under 2) was to designate a "line" beyond which they were not allowed to go without me.  They were consequenced each time they crossed that line and learned the rule pretty soon.  The rule was necessary as I never had a fence and there is a deep ravine on one side of my yard, and deer, foxes, coyotes, and other critters occasionally hang out in our nearby woods.  With the right amount of supervision for each individual kid, we haven't had any problems.

 

My kids are 6 and my rule for them is that they have to get permission from me before they leave the yard.  I have allowed them to walk as far as the park (1 mile) together (with me meeting them there after maybe a half hour).  This is the outer limit as far as my kids are concerned, but that's because they are relatively reliable and I started training them relatively young.

 

I think it's really important for kids to play outside.  Therefore I think parents need to prioritize the development of this responsibility - especially those of us who can't hang around outdoors whenever our kids want to play.

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Well honestly, if she knew the rule and disobeyed, she would be grounded for a week. No outside. Especially since it seems at her age this is her currency. When the week was up she could try again with all the appropriate reminders ahead of time. It shouldn't take more than a time or two for her to remember where she is supposed to play.

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She's totally adhd as far as I can tell. I'm having trouble adjusting to that reality because it's looking so different than my other two typical kids. I keep thinking she should be able to play like the others did in our backyard where I can keep an eye on her. I just keep smacking into the reality that she just can't. I've been trying to teach her this for over a year. Just when I think she's getting it, moments like today make me realize she really hasn't. She's a ton better than she used to be and it fools me into thinking she can handle a simple command. I guess we're back to full time supervision.Big sigh.

 

Beth

 

I'm glad you are aware. It's really hard to be adhd, and even harder to be the mom of one. It seems like no matter what you do, the child will find a way to break a rule (unintentionally, of course). I'm not kidding. It would be better for both of you that she wait until you're free to supervise her. She still needs a few years to mature, and adhd kids often run a couple of years behind their peers in that area.  When one embraces the fact that these kids have "brain damage" in the area of self-regulation, the better you can deal with the poor judgments and memory lapses, instead of reacting  like she is a NAUGHTY neuro-typical child. Because she's not. She wants to get it right, In fact, I would bet on it. Have you ever visited the Special Needs board? There are wonderful experienced moms there that would love to be of help if you ever need  answers to questions, or just need to talk.  Or, you could private message me, anytime. 

 

((Hugs))

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I'm glad you are aware. It's really hard to be adhd, and even harder to be the mom of one. It seems like no matter what you do, the child will find a way to break a rule (unintentionally, of course). I'm not kidding. It would be better for both of you that she wait until you're free to supervise her. She still needs a few years to mature, and adhd kids often run a couple of years behind their peers in that area.  When one embraces the fact that these kids have "brain damage" in the area of self-regulation, the better you can deal with the poor judgments and memory lapses, instead of reacting  like she is a NAUGHTY neuro-typical child. Because she's not. She wants to get it right, In fact, I would bet on it. Have you ever visited the Special Needs board? There are wonderful experienced moms there that would love to be of help if you ever need  answers to questions, or just need to talk.  Or, you could private message me, anytime. 

 

((Hugs))

This...I've put her on the Diane Craft diet for adhd kids and it has improved who she can be tremendously.  I sometimes sooo want to help her because I can tell she wants to be good, but her body just prevents her from it sometimes.  Sure, there are times that she is defiant and it's a big difference.  For example, she'll be concentrating on something hard for her and she is almost violently moving just to think.  Just putting her in my lap helps to calm all that down.  She is immature for her age and just when I think she can handle a little more responsibility, she shows she just can't.  She's the age for 1st grade, but I'm calling it kindergarten for her just because of the immaturity.  On the other hand, her love for Jesus and her worship of Him is tremendous.  Her ability to understand deep things of God is way beyond her years.  I guess the whole package she is balances itself out.  

 

Beth

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This...I've put her on the Diane Craft diet for adhd kids and it has improved who she can be tremendously.  I sometimes sooo want to help her because I can tell she wants to be good, but her body just prevents her from it sometimes.  Sure, there are times that she is defiant and it's a big difference.  For example, she'll be concentrating on something hard for her and she is almost violently moving just to think.  Just putting her in my lap helps to calm all that down.  She is immature for her age and just when I think she can handle a little more responsibility, she shows she just can't.  She's the age for 1st grade, but I'm calling it kindergarten for her just because of the immaturity.  On the other hand, her love for Jesus and her worship of Him is tremendous.  Her ability to understand deep things of God is way beyond her years.  I guess the whole package she is balances itself out.  

 

Beth

 

I think it's because these kids are (in part) way more aware of their need for forgiveness, compassion and understanding...and Jesus provides that...especially if we don't unfairly represent him as a harsh and performance-oriented figure. Like Jesus, you're her advocate...her intercessor, of sorts.

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This...I've put her on the Diane Craft diet for adhd kids and it has improved who she can be tremendously.  I sometimes sooo want to help her because I can tell she wants to be good, but her body just prevents her from it sometimes.  Sure, there are times that she is defiant and it's a big difference.  For example, she'll be concentrating on something hard for her and she is almost violently moving just to think.  Just putting her in my lap helps to calm all that down.  She is immature for her age and just when I think she can handle a little more responsibility, she shows she just can't.  She's the age for 1st grade, but I'm calling it kindergarten for her just because of the immaturity.  On the other hand, her love for Jesus and her worship of Him is tremendous.  Her ability to understand deep things of God is way beyond her years.  I guess the whole package she is balances itself out.  

 

 

 

I get it. Sometimes, when housework gets really behind...I find that I HAVE to get to the point of getting really ANGRY about the problem, before I can muster up enough focused energy... to push through my executive-function deficits,  just to get started. It's a coping mechanism., not an anger problem...I usually don't get angry at my people... just the problem. One exception though, when dh and I are not getting along, the house is always tidier. :glare: Dh is actually fortunate I have the ability to transfer the energy into something more useful. :laugh: Looking around, it appears we're due for a little "tiff". :P

 

Did I mention I am ADHD?  Yeah, well.., I AM. :crying:

 

 

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Just for clarity, I do not believe 6 is too young to play outside unsupervised for a period of time - even in an "unenclosed" backyard.  I believe *this* six-year-old isn't ready for it based on the OP.

 

Totally agree.

 

What I did with my kids (when they were much younger - starting under 2) was to designate a "line" beyond which they were not allowed to go without me.  They were consequenced each time they crossed that line and learned the rule pretty soon.  The rule was necessary as I never had a fence and there is a deep ravine on one side of my yard, and deer, foxes, coyotes, and other critters occasionally hang out in our nearby woods.  With the right amount of supervision for each individual kid, we haven't had any problems.

 

A really good idea, imo.  A friend with special needs kiddos did the same thing, but the line was comprised of rather large rocks to make the line of demarcation easier to see and remind. One could even spray paint them a really bright color to augment the visual reminder. Planters or chairs could be used instead, as well.

 

 

 

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