Slipper Posted August 28, 2013 Share Posted August 28, 2013 I am friends with a wonderful couple at church. They have several children and our kids play together frequently during our time at church or over at their house. My middle daughter recently had a birthday. We can't really afford to throw her a big party at the moment so I suggested she pick one friend to invite over to spend the night. She chose the girl she spends the most time with at church. I spoke with the mother (and she is someone that I feel is becoming a friend to me) and she was a bit hesitant. She let me know that they are very careful about where they let their children go play. She suggested that perhaps her daughter could come to visit and stay late, but not actually spend the night. I agreed that this would still be a fun time for the girls. She said she would talk with her husband and would let me know. We spoke on Sunday morning and I haven't heard back from her. We email a couple of times a week along with speaking on the phone. I feel like if her husband had agreed their daughter could come over, she would have already emailed me by now. I'm worried that they won't allow her to come visit and she's waiting to talk to me personally tomorrow night at church. I realize that worrying over a hypothetical situation might sound silly but I'm worried that I won't know what to say or say something incredibly dumb. (Part of my concern is due to the fact that my youngest is in therapy due to some type of sexual exposure that she has witnessed. I know I'm a good parent, but I have struggled with guilt and wondering if I could have prevented whatever has happened. We don't know what happened and our therapist is now working on burying whatever bad memories still remain.) They know about this situation (he's the pastor and has been counseling our family). Their kids seem to be frequently visiting other friends so it caught me off guard a bit. I've known them casually for several years and closely for about eight months. Any suggestions for a light and gracious reply if she says their daughter can't come over? If I leave it up to the moment, I'm bound to say something snarky just from emotion. Please don't quote. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twigs Posted August 28, 2013 Share Posted August 28, 2013 I think I would go with something short and simple, like: "I'm so sorry friend can't come. We will miss her. Maybe another time." Best wishes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Susan C. Posted August 28, 2013 Share Posted August 28, 2013 If you really want her to come, maybe agree to the late evening and let them pick her up. Don't take it personally, my dd didn't like spending the night with others very much. I went to several parties very late on several occasions to pick her up. So it may be how they do overnights. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted August 28, 2013 Share Posted August 28, 2013 The pastor is counseling her to forget her memories? or a therapist? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AK_Mom4 Posted August 28, 2013 Share Posted August 28, 2013 So, you think the mom is hesitant because of the trouble with your younger daughter and has some unease about sending her kid over to your house alone? Can you just invite the mom over at the same time? If not, then I would just leave it at "Oh too bad - maybe another time". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slipper Posted August 28, 2013 Author Share Posted August 28, 2013 Susan, I have already agreed to the late pick up. I'm not sure if that will be okay with them. Starr, sorry, I worded that poorly. My daughter sees a therapist and a psychiatrist. The pastor speaks with our family about various things (that have included counseling) but she sees professionals for the exposure issues. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slipper Posted August 28, 2013 Author Share Posted August 28, 2013 So, you think the mom is hesitant because of the trouble with your younger daughter and has some unease about sending her kid over to your house alone? Can you just invite the mom over at the same time? If not, then I would just leave it at "Oh too bad - maybe another time". Yes, exactly. It may be my over-sensitivity to the issue but since I worry at times about being a bad mother, I wonder if others think I am as well. Yes, I could invite her over but they have several children and I'm not sure she could make it without bringing them all over. And I'm not able to baby-proof and other things to make it okay for everyone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted August 28, 2013 Share Posted August 28, 2013 If they say no you can only say another time but they may be well judging your family if the kids do this with others. Maybe invite the family over for cake and games. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted August 28, 2013 Share Posted August 28, 2013 If I"m reading this right, the girls normally play at church or at their house, but not at yours. You've invited the girl to your house but the mother was hesitant and said that they were picky about where they played. So. . . it sounds like the issue is the house, not the "late-over" itself. If they did not want to go to your house, would they be willing to host your dd at their house? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slipper Posted August 28, 2013 Author Share Posted August 28, 2013 Jean, I would love it if they did, but that seems rather tacky for me to ask. And yes, I think the issue is coming over to a different house and possibly MY house. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted August 28, 2013 Share Posted August 28, 2013 I would email or call. If they decline make another plan. :grouphug: The sooner dd knows what to expect the better. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted August 28, 2013 Share Posted August 28, 2013 I agree with "oh, that's too bad, maybe another time." If your dd saw something sexual and you don't know what she saw, your friends don't know what to think about that. If the tables were turned you might feel the same way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Susan C. Posted August 28, 2013 Share Posted August 28, 2013 I don't think its the same daughter having the birthday. Maybe you could meet for pizza and/or ice cream, you, your daughter, friend and her mom. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annie Mae Posted August 28, 2013 Share Posted August 28, 2013 Maybe you should mention it again in an e-mail. That way if she says her daughter can't visit you can think about a gracious reply before you respond. Either way, you shouldn't read too much into the situation whatever the outcome. It's natural to take it personally but there may be a perfectly simple explanation as to why they say no that has nothing to do with you or your home. If they do have a specific problem with visiting you in your house try not to let it bother you.You are doing the best for your family and the situation with your younger daughter is probably stressful enough for you without having the added worry of what others think. Don't feel guilty. You sound like a terrific mum. Good luck. I hope it all works out and your daughter enjoys her birthday. Jeremiah 31:3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GSOchristie Posted August 28, 2013 Share Posted August 28, 2013 I know if it was one of my kids, I would probably be hesitant, too. I do not think you are a bad mom, it would actually have nothing to do with you. It would be that something happened in the past, and I would be paranoid it might be happen again. Even if that was a one in a zillion chance, I probably wouldn't take it, particularly since you don't know what exactly happened. As for the gracious response, I would stick with with, "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, my dd loves to play with your dd, I hope they can get together again soon." I have actually had to give this response to a mom that doesn't let her son come over because my son is plays with toy guns. We don't have any real guns in our house, so I think her reasoning is ridiculous, but whatever, it's her right, her kid, so I have to graciously respond. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted August 28, 2013 Share Posted August 28, 2013 Maybe it's because I'm tired, but the woman sounds rude. Did you tell her it was your dd's birthday. If it's birthday there's a bit of a time limit to the event. I'd call and say I need to know because this was supposed to be dd's birthday celebration. I'm saying call because she can't avoid giving you an answer. Then move on to another plan for celebration. Having been on the side of being judged in a place where my family should feel safe (church), I'd advise you to steer your dd to play with other children Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trish Posted August 28, 2013 Share Posted August 28, 2013 I agree with "oh, that's too bad, maybe another time." If your dd saw something sexual and you don't know what she saw, your friends don't know what to think about that. If the tables were turned you might feel the same way. Right, with that situation being such a question mark I can well imagine that she might not want her daughter coming over, even though they play well as friends otherwise. (We have friends whose kids don't do sleepovers, and there is no offense taken) I'd just kind of view this as a done deal, "sorry it didn't work out," etc. Maybe you can think of something else for DD to do -- lunch out at a favorite spot, go to a movie with the friend and you supervising, etc? Ultimately it's a kid's birthday party, don't make a huge deal out of it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted August 28, 2013 Share Posted August 28, 2013 I'm not sure I understand everything but I do understand you're feeling awkward not having an answer. If they know your daughter was had some sort of sexual exposure but they don't know where or how it happened, what the extent of it was, etc., they may well be uncomfortable having their daughter alone at your house. Even if they understand that you/your family didn't cause the problem, they don't know where it happened (access to internet or cable tv, etc), they don't know what your daughter may say to their daughter, etc. I can see their discomfort though if they know about the situation they could ask you if your daughter talks about it, acts out, etc. Still, there is uncertainty. I would just ask; if you are emailing and talking frequently, just ask. "So, what do you think about the get-together? I'd like to let my daughter know if it can happen or not." If they say no, then you can express your regret and say you hope they can spend some time together soon. My daughter has a friend who is not allowed to go to sleepovers, so they have sleepovers at their house. I admit I found that a bit insulting at first - that I should trust my daughter to them, though they won't trust their daughter to me. But, the reality is, that's their decision and if my daughter wants to see her friend, she has to do it on their terms. I'm sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted August 28, 2013 Share Posted August 28, 2013 Do these people know that your youngest is in therapy and why? Why do they know this? Does your pastor also know? I'm sorry, but I can only imagine how horrible this is for your youngest child that all these people know. What about her privacy? What happens when she is a teen and later an adult and has to face all these people after realizing they know her private medical information. And one of the results is that other people don't trust you as a caregiver for their children while they visit your house. If it were me I'd change churches and try to keep my children's medical issues private. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom2myboys Posted August 28, 2013 Share Posted August 28, 2013 Honestly, the wife shouldn't know about the issues with your youngest, even if the pastor is helping counsel you. He should not have shared that privileged information with her. If you are concerned that he did, you should talk to him about it. I agree with Chucki, privacy is very important to healing. Other than that, I agree that a simple, "Sorry, maybe another time." would be the best response. The privacy issue would bother me way more than the decision whether her friend could come over or not. Also, does your DD have another person in mind that she could invite in case this particular friend can't come? I am sorry you are facing this. Hopefully it is not what it seems and no private information was shared. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slipper Posted August 28, 2013 Author Share Posted August 28, 2013 This IS our pastor's family. It's hard to explain, but it was suggested by both our psychiatrist and therapist that we talk to our pastor about what was happening. I talked to his wife because I needed someone to talk with and I know they won't discuss it with anyone. Additionally, they both are able to recognize when my daughter becomes afraid and step in if I'm not immediately around (which occasionally happens at church, usually when someone new is visiting). To clarify, my original question was to ask for help in formulating a response as I couldn't think of one that didn't sound trite and fake. I'm not asking whether anyone agrees over why they are hesitant of sending their kids over. Regardless of my personal feelings, it's their decision and I'm not questioning their right to make that choice. My other daughter was allowed to invite one person. At this point, if the original girl cannot come over, then it's too late to invite anyone else and we'll re-schedule with someone else for another time. They know this is for a birthday party and I agreed that it didn't have to be all night. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hjffkj Posted August 28, 2013 Share Posted August 28, 2013 I'm not trying to be judgmental here, just trying to see it from the other parents' eyes. from the info you have given I would not allow my child alone at your house either. You state that some sort of sexual exposure happened to your youngest but you don't actually know what happened. If you don't know what happened and how it happened , as a parent I can't trust that your house is a safe environment for my child. Its not judging its just the facts. As a parent I need to know my child is safe and I can't know that at your house. Maybe invite the girl and her mom over. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hjffkj Posted August 28, 2013 Share Posted August 28, 2013 sorry jsut saw you most recent response. Did you talk to the mother yet? If not, I think a good response would be "well maybe another time we can plan for you and your girl to come over for a play date." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom2myboys Posted August 28, 2013 Share Posted August 28, 2013 Well, that is good that it was not an indiscretion on the pastor's part and you shared the information with her directly as a friend. Indiscretions like that happened at our church (sharing information with wives when it shouldn't have been and then it was spread around.) It is a big reason we don't go. I am relieved to hear that is not your situation. In the moment, a simple, maybe next time might help you avoid being emotional in response. But maybe a heart-to-heart over coffee at another time would be a good way to gently broach the subject of why the girl goes to other people's houses but not allowed at yours. If you are wanting to know why that is. Best of luck! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GSOchristie Posted August 29, 2013 Share Posted August 29, 2013 I think that anything you say would be fine in the right tone. The parents probably do not want to hurt your feelings and are probably hoping that the situation will just go away. If they don't HAVE to say anything, they probably won't, just to avoid hurting feelings. I know this is not very "grown up" but this is my MO :blushing: , I just try to avoid the conversation because I don't like confrontation, which is what I would be afraid would happen. It would make me feel relieved if you gave any of the above responses, trite or not. Obviously, this is just me personally. I'm sorry for the terrible ordeal for you dd, I'm sorry for the potential hurt feelings over it :(. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cinder Posted August 29, 2013 Share Posted August 29, 2013 Wondering if you got to talk to your friends last night at church? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest submarines Posted August 29, 2013 Share Posted August 29, 2013 Do these people know that your youngest is in therapy and why? Why do they know this? Does your pastor also know? I'm sorry, but I can only imagine how horrible this is for your youngest child that all these people know. What about her privacy? What happens when she is a teen and later an adult and has to face all these people after realizing they know her private medical information. And one of the results is that other people don't trust you as a caregiver for their children while they visit your house. If it were me I'd change churches and try to keep my children's medical issues private. ITA. I'm also wondering whether your friendship with this family has been happening after they started counseling you? I know I'll get flames for this, but I wouldn't dismiss "charity" friendship entirely. Sadly, this happened to me twice at two different churches, and it took me a while to realize the friendship wasn't what I thought it was. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sassenach Posted August 29, 2013 Share Posted August 29, 2013 Wow, ya'll are going to some dark places! Leave the church, charity friendship, pastoral breaking of confidence.... Are we reading the same thread? At this point she hasn't even heard a "no," she's just afraid of how she might react if she does. OP, why don't you pick up the phone and call the wife. It sounds like not knowing their answer is the biggest problem. I know that I sometimes fail to communicate out of sheer busyness rather than avoidance. It may take me several days to get around to having the conversation with dh, then another couple to get back to the person. So rather than worrying about why she's avoiding you, start with the assumption that she's NOT. A direct call might get you the quickest answer. As for how to handle her answer, understand that pastor families constantly hear about both intentional and unintentional exposures and abuses. It makes us a little more cautious than the average bear. It has nothing to do with your abilities as a mother and everything to do with their life experiences. Dd has a friend whom she's never slept over with because neither family lets their DDs sleep away. I totally respect that about them and vis versa, I assume. But neither of us is bending. It's not a judgement on them, just a standard mode of operation. If they say no, and it's important to dd that this be the girl who attends, then I'm sure that you can come up with some activity for them to do together. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katy Posted August 29, 2013 Share Posted August 29, 2013 I might suggest that if coming over alone is an issue perhaps you could take the girls to something like the zoo together? They can get ice cream, play on the playground, see the animals, and the girl's mother could be there too. Or if that wouldn't work then one of those pizza/game places or something else that wouldn't be too expensive. Perhaps you could have a family birthday potluck with cousins instead? Then you just have to provide cake and ice cream. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurie4b Posted August 30, 2013 Share Posted August 30, 2013 This IS our pastor's family. It's hard to explain, but it was suggested by both our psychiatrist and therapist that we talk to our pastor about what was happening. I talked to his wife because I needed someone to talk with and I know they won't discuss it with anyone. Additionally, they both are able to recognize when my daughter becomes afraid and step in if I'm not immediately around (which occasionally happens at church, usually when someone new is visiting). To clarify, my original question was to ask for help in formulating a response as I couldn't think of one that didn't sound trite and fake. I'm not asking whether anyone agrees over why they are hesitant of sending their kids over. Regardless of my personal feelings, it's their decision and I'm not questioning their right to make that choice. My other daughter was allowed to invite one person. At this point, if the original girl cannot come over, then it's too late to invite anyone else and we'll re-schedule with someone else for another time. They know this is for a birthday party and I agreed that it didn't have to be all night. I think I'd just say, "Ok. I understand. Can you give me the parameters in which you are comfortable with our dd's being together?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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