Carelessness in 13 yo boys

[Scarlett]

The bag on the push mower was full.  Ds was told to empty it over the fence.  He drops it.  So in retrieving it he discovers there are yellow jackets so his solution is to use the pool pole to try to lift the bag out and of course it snaps.

 

He does this sort of thing all. of. the. time. 

 

In addition to that he used the rider in an area he was specifically told not to and COVERED the sidewalk in grass.  So I had him clean up the sidewalk....and told him the pool pole which we JUST bought would be replaced out of his money.

 

I am soooo frustrated at his lack of care and thought.

 

But he has cried and cried and I now fear I am being too hard on him.

 

Please help me. 

[Starr]

They aren't cooked yet, at 13, that's why they are still home.  :grouphug: Keep at it. It sounds like he needs some supervision still.

[Catwoman]

I think the pool pole was a clever solution, so I wouldn't make him pay for a replacement. At least he tried to finish the job, even after he saw the yellow jackets. Dropping the bag of grass was an accident, and pool poles look a lot stronger and sturdier than they are, so I would view it as an honest mistake and let it go.

 

I'm not sure what I'd do about him mowing where he shouldn't have, but I think cleaning up the sidewalk was enough to make him think twice before doing it again, so hopefully that problem is solved.

 

Overall, I don't think this is a big deal, and at least he tried to find a way to solve the yellow jacket problem himself instead of immediately going to you and asking you to pick up the bag for him.

[Erin]

Buck backed our ancient Metro into the flatbed trailer a couple months ago and broke out the tail light. He had just gotten the replacement when he did THE EXACT SAME THING except this time he broke out the back windshield... Aargh!

[texasmama]

My almost 13 year old boy is constantly breaking things and hurting himself.  I think it is his growing body combined with inexperience and hormones or something.  My 10 year old boy is a terrible klutz, too.  He is always moving too quickly.  Together, they are the dynamic destructive duo.  lol  I wonder what will be left of the house when they outgrow this...

[Jean in Newcastle]

Dropping a heavy bag full of grass clippings is something I might do - not careless, just one of those things that happens because those bags are heavy and unwieldy.  Did you expect him to wade into yellow jackets?  Using the pool pole was a clever idea, imo, that was designed to get the bag that he had dropped in an admirable dedication to getting the bag back while keeping his own skin intact.  It snapped - again, one of those things.  

 

Using the rider in an area he wasn't supposed to, seems like it warranted him cleaning up the grass clippings like you asked him to.  No more.

 

Honestly, I think you owe him a very big apology.  

[Melissa in Australia]

He is 13. that is the absolute hardest age I have found for boys. it is the year ( as one of my ds put it) that all their synapse are snapped and they have to use a huge amount of brain power to think.

[Scarlett]

:crying:

 

He does need supervision....and when I supervise him he is irritated beyond belief.

 

Guess why I wasn't supervising him?  I was giving his dog a bath for him.  And then cleaning the tub.  Sigh.  I should have watched him mow and then had him give his dog a bath.

 

I agree that sweeping the walk was enough consequence for using the rider in an area he wasn't suppose to.That is all I did.

 

I told him we would see if dh could fix the pole...and if not maybe dh would have some work so he can work it off.

 

[marbel]

I agree with the others - sounds like he was trying to solve the problem independently and it didn't work out.  I don't know how much a pool pole costs or how obvious it is that it would snap under those circumstances. 

 

Could he have just zoned out on the mowing thing?  Was there a particular reason not to use the rider in that spot, other than getting grass clippings on the sidewalk?  Maybe he forgot, or maybe he didn't understand why he shouldn't mow there?   I could see that happening here!

 

My boy still has some problems with proper tool use and zoning out on instructions if he doesn't see the purpose to them.  We just keep talking to him.  And talking, and talking... 

[Scarlett]

Dropping a heavy bag full of grass clippings is something I might do - not careless, just one of those things that happens because those bags are heavy and unwieldy.  Did you expect him to wade into yellow jackets?  Using the pool pole was a clever idea, imo, that was designed to get the bag that he had dropped in an admirable dedication to getting the bag back while keeping his own skin intact.  It snapped - again, one of those things.  

 

Using the rider in an area he wasn't supposed to, seems like it warranted him cleaning up the grass clippings like you asked him to.  No more.

 

Honestly, I think you owe him a very big apology.  

 

 

And yes I did expect him to wade into yellow jackets!  LOL....not even sure they were yellow jackets...but he did get a can of wasp killer and use it all up.  And he didn't get stung.

[Lisa in SC]

I agree that at 13, these are honest mistakes, not carelessness or clumsiness. My 14 year old has done similar things, and, well, we just have him clean up the mess, which you did with the clippings. For the pool pole, I would've probably done something similar if faced with yellow jackets, and I'm 44! ;) Dh is a big strapping man, and sometimes he drops the mower bag. It's just one of those things. I honestly think your son showed creative problem solving skills, and I wouldn't punish him for that. It's not as if he maliciously broke the pole.

 

At 13, boys are definitely a long way from maturity. With ours, we've found that gentle suggestions and a whole lot of grace

Goes a long way in helping our son make better decisions "the next time." There is always a next time, and responsibility is something that grows best when encouragement and understanding are liberally applied.

[Cindy in FL.]

I've been really stunned by the carelessness of the 21 yo young man we have employed in our new business. It's been a bit mind boggling!

[RanchGirl]

There is a learning curve to be expected in learning to do chores.  I would not be frustrated and upset with a kid learning to wash dishes breaking a glass or two.  Nor would I expect perfection from a young child doing yardwork.  Now if he broke TWO pool poles using them as levers, then I would *calmly* inform him he needs to figure out a way to pay for that.

 

The grass on the sidewalk thing sounds pretty harmless, so I would laugh and hand him the broom.  Cleaning it up will be more than enough to help him remember next time, no need to pile on top of that with frustration and upset emotions.

 

 

[sparrow]

Reading your post I thought that these were things *I* might do and I'm 43.

 

Give him a hug and tell him it's not a big deal.

[TXBeth]

I agree the pool pole breaking was an honest mistake, but I heartily disagree with PPs who say this means he shouldn't have to pay for it. Everyone in this family, from my 4 year old all the way up to my husband, has to pay for things they break! That is not a punishment; it is just a part of life. We do, of course, subsidize if a child breaks something he or she has no way to pay for, but they will do some chores or give up some spending money or something. In the real world our actions have consequences, even if they are accidents.

[Kim in Appalachia]

I'm going to chime in with everyone else and say, he's 13, he was trying his best, it was an honest mistake.

 

My 13ds does the yard too.  He honestly tries his hardest, but he's still forgetful of little details, he makes mistakes, and somehow manages to break things.  Really, it's part of growing up.  He's learning.  He always tells us. He feels terrible about it (he cried when he broke the drainage hose, which my dh told him he could mow over) and doesn't give me a hard time the next time he has to go out and do the job again.  

 

I would cut the boy some slack.  He was brave with those yellow jackets!

[Scarlett]

I agree the pool pole breaking was an honest mistake, but I heartily disagree with PPs who say this means he shouldn't have to pay for it. Everyone in this family, from my 4 year old all the way up to my husband, has to pay for things they break! That is not a punishment; it is just a part of life. We do, of course, subsidize if a child breaks something he or she has no way to pay for, but they will do some chores or give up some spending money or something. In the real world our actions have consequences, even if they are accidents.

 

 

Thank you and even my mom agreed! 

 

Ds said, 'I don't have $50 to pay for it!"  I said, 'Neither do I!' 

 

He said he didn't want me to be upset.  I said, 'Son I am NOT mad but there are real consequences...we HAVE to have a pool pole and it costs REAL money!'

[Erin]

Everyone in this family, from my 4 year old all the way up to my husband, has to pay for things they break! That is not a punishment; it is just a part of life. We do, of course, subsidize if a child breaks something he or she has no way to pay for, but they will do some chores or give up some spending money or something. In the real world our actions have consequences, even if they are accidents.

I agree with this, too. 

 

Mistakes happen.  

"It was your fault.  You didn't intend for it to happen, I'm sure, but it's still your responsibility to rectify the problem."  

DS's windshield, for example--  We certainly aren't going to make him buy a $500 piece of glass for a car that's not even licensed and never leaves the place.  But, he does have to come up with SOME sort of a solution to keep the rain and the cats out!

 

 

That's part of how kids learn from these mistakes, afterall, is having to fix them.  

 

[Scarlett]

AT my parents last week he careless broke a very expensive patio door mini blind....my dad says he has to replace the entire blind because ds pulled ONE cord and broke it.  I think dh could fix it....but again carelessness.

[msjones]

Scarlett, it sounds like we had similar days with our 13 year-old sons.  

 

I bet tomorrow will be better.  I sure hope so.

[Catwoman]

It would never even occur to me to make a child pay to replace something that he or she accidentally broke.

 

For me, it's all about intention. An accident is just that -- accidental. I don't punish my child for accidents, and making a kid use his own money or do extra chores or forego future allowances to pay for something he accidentally damaged seems like punishment to me (and I'm sure it would seem like punishment to a child, as well.)

 

I mean, seriously, a 4 year old has to pay for things he breaks by accident? :confused:

[Melissa in Australia]

I agree with you Catwoman.

 

I would think that making the children pay for every single accident that they did would mean that eventually the child would give up trying to do anything- safer to sit on the couch forever and not move.

 

 If I was in a place of employment and I accidently broke something I would not have to pay for it. real life example. DH is a toolmaker, during his apprenticeship  he did a wrong cut on a very expensive mold he was making ( in the thousands) he was not expected to be penalized the thousands of dollars, he wasn't even penalized with a wage cut , but rather he had to fix the mistake

[RanchGirl]

AT my parents last week he careless broke a very expensive patio door mini blind....my dad says he has to replace the entire blind because ds pulled ONE cord and broke it.  I think dh could fix it....but again carelessness.

 

Um, what?  Is your dad in charge of your son?  I would laugh in my Dad's face if he acted like that over an accident.  Is he under the impression that your son recklessly and violently attacked the blinds?  I have never understood mini blinds on patio doors, but I digress.

 

I feel badly for this boy, it sounds like he had a pretty rough, and expensive, week.  Thirteen can be an incredibly awkward time, emotionally and physically.  His arms and legs are likely growing faster than his brain can keep up with.  Biorhythms are out of whack, sleeping and eating habits are changing, they're in between adult and child.

 

When my kids goof up like that, I expect them to clean up or fix it to the best of their ability, but not to hang their heads in shame or take on substantial replacement costs.  It often seems to help if I share about a time when I had a major screw that is now something we can laugh about so they realize we try our best, learn from our mistakes, laugh at ourselves a bit, and move on.  I just don't want my kids to walk on eggshells around my house or feel that things are more important than people.

[Scarlett]

Um, what? Is your dad in charge of your son? I would laugh in my Dad's face if he acted like that over an accident. Is he under the impression that your son recklessly and violently attacked the blinds? I have never understood mini blinds on patio doors, but I digress.

 

I feel badly for this boy, it sounds like he had a pretty rough, and expensive, week. Thirteen can be an incredibly awkward time, emotionally and physically. His arms and legs are likely growing faster than his brain can keep up with. Biorhythms are out of whack, sleeping and eating habits are changing, they're in between adult and child.

 

When my kids goof up like that, I expect them to clean up or fix it to the best of their ability, but not to hang their heads in shame or take on substantial replacement costs. It often seems to help if I share about a time when I had a major screw that is now something we can laugh about so they realize we try our best, learn from our mistakes, laugh at ourselves a bit, and move on. I just don't want my kids to walk on eggshells around my house or feel that things are more important than people.

You misunderstood me. My dad is replacing the blind He doesn't expect my ds to pay for it.

[Laura Corin]

I had one careful 13yo and have one dippy one.  Yelling doesn't work.  He is getting better over time.

 

I have made him responsible for the cost of things he loses.  I haven't included things he breaks - so often with breakages it's lack of experience (not knowing how much weight the pole could take, in your case).

 

L

[Scarlett]

It would never even occur to me to make a child pay to replace something that he or she accidentally broke.

 

For me, it's all about intention. An accident is just that -- accidental. I don't punish my child for accidents, and making a kid use his own money or do extra chores or forego future allowances to pay for something he accidentally damaged seems like punishment to me (and I'm sure it would seem like punishment to a child, as well.)

 

I mean, seriously, a 4 year old has to pay for things he breaks by accident? :confused:

Cat I don't make ds pay for stuff he breaks by accident and certainly not when he was 4. But we aren't just talking about an accident. Ds has a total lack of concern especially when work is involved. He is irritated that he as to work in the first place and then he uses an aluminum extension pole to try to lift a mower bag from behind the fence.

 

Dh said the poles aren't that expensive and he doesn't want ds to pay for it. I really don't either but i Do think ds needs to understand that there are real consequences for carelessness,

[Erin]

I think there might be some kind of enormous leaps being made,  here...

 

I mean, thinking he should be walking on eggshells?  Hanging his head in shame?  Things more important than people?  Paying for every, single accident?  

 

 

 

 

I'm not sure I've seen Scarlett say anything of the sort...?  

Am I missing details the rest of you are picking up?

[Erin]

Dh said the poles aren't that expensive and he doesn't want ds to pay for it. I really don't either but i Do think ds needs to understand that there are real consequences for carelessness,

 

I think it's probably also a matter of what the kid has for income.  

If he's making a few hundred a month in a lawn mowing business and has the money, the hit to his wallet can be a good way of reinforcing a point.  On the other hand, if he doesn't have a job of any sort, it might be asking too much a kid that only has a few bucks now and again from birthday money...

[Danestress]

I am sort of a careless person, so I sympathize with your son. I can't tell you the dollar value of things I have lost and broken. It made my mother absolutely insane. Now it makes *me* insane about myself. I do the dumbest stuff.

 

My husband has a very light touch about it. He frequently says, "it's just stuff," or "it's just money." It's not that we have lots of extra money to throw around, but he does help keep the stress low and remind me that people and relationships are important. Pool poles are just stuff. And while I feel exceedingly frustrated with my brain, it does do some things quite well.

 

If you want to make him pay in order to teach him a lesson, fine. That is neither right nor wrong - just a reasonable parenting choice. But be encouraging and nonjudgmental. It sounds like he has had a tough week, and it may be very difficult for him at this stage in life to remake himself into a careful, mindful guy.

[Scarlett]

I am sort of a careless person, so I sympathize with your son. I can't tell you the dollar value of things I have lost and broken. It made my mother absolutely insane. Now it makes *me* insane about myself. I do the dumbest stuff.

 

My husband has a very light touch about it. He frequently says, "it's just stuff," or "it's just money." It's not that we have lots of extra money to throw around, but he does help keep the stress low and remind me that people and relationships are important. Pool poles are just stuff. And while I feel exceedingly frustrated with my brain, it does do some things quite well.

 

If you want to make him pay in order to teach him a lesson, fine. That is neither right nor wrong - just a reasonable parenting choice. But be encouraging and nonjudgmental. It sounds like he has had a tough week, and it may be very difficult for him at this stage in life to remake himself into a careful, mindful guy.

Thank you....I did keep my tone encouraging and nonjudgmental. He kept saying "can I have a hug." I have him about 10 hugs. I just want him to understand that mistakes cost money. Not that I am so attached to my pool pole.....but we have to have one.....

[RanchGirl]

You misunderstood me. My dad is replacing the blind He doesn't expect my ds to pay for it.

 

 

I apologize for my mistake.

 

[Scarlett]

I apologize for my mistake.

 

 

 

Oh no apology necessary...I see how my sentence was not clear.

 

My dad didn't even mention it to me...and my mom didn't either until I was telling her last night about the pool pole being broken.  I am a little puzzled how the entire blind is ruined over one of the cords being broken...I am going to tell my dh about it and see if he can fix it.

[Deee]

I haven't read all of the post, but I just wanted to say that I grew up in a house with very harsh consequences for mistakes. This doesn't make kids responsible, it just makes them either fearful or resentful. It made me a very good liar. Forgiveness and understanding makes kids responsible. I have a 12.5 year old DS. He is particularly stupid at the moment. I only punish him if its deliberate. His sister was the same at this age. She once leaned forward and put her whole breast into a tea cup during a family gathering. When she left the room to change my BIL said " did she forget they were there?". Yes, I think she did! Teenagers are growing sooo much and trying to be so grown up they just can't keep up with themselves.

D

[Scarlett]

That is funny about the tee...

 

Well, I don't think I am being harsh with him.  And I could be harsh whether I required him to pay for the pole or not.  As Danestress said the important thing (more than whether he pays for it or not) is remaining kind and nonjudgmental.

 

Dh told me this morning that we could probably cut off the sharp edge and continue to use what is left of the pole...and that he certainly doesn't want ds to pay for it.  When I ask ds if he thought we could still use the pole he was enthusiastic about fixing it or at least trying.  He sorrow from yesterday was gone and he had a spirit of 'fix it' in its place. 

 

My intention is not to beat him down for 'mistakes' but rather to recognize that actions to have consequences.

[Scarlett]

I think the whole paying for it has been misunderstood.  It is just one tool to make a kid realize consequences to actions even if those actions are accidental.  It isn't to rob them of their savings account.

 

And ftr, I don't think I've ever required ds to pay for anything he has broken.

 

The problem is his carelessness.  But as many have pointed out, that is normal for a 13 yo boy.  So I will just try to be patient and tolerant.

[Scarlett]

I think it is definitely normal.  I could tell you many stories about my son. 

 

Last week he dragged a full bag of dirty cat litter across the back walkway.  He said he didn't notice the bag had ripped open (duh..) until it was completely empty.  It was a thin plastic trash bag.  You can't drag stuff like that on concrete.  So the backyard was filled with dirty cat litter.  So instead of coming to me right away he got the brilliant idea to try to hose it down.  It is this clumping cat litter.  So when it gets wet it basically turns into gelatinous sludge.  It made it 10x worse.  And this was all in the dark.  We had to wait days for it to dry and scrape it off the pavement.  It stunk to high heavens on top of that.  He had to clean it up, but he really couldn't do that great of a job so I spent a lot of time scraping shi* off the ground.  Ugh...what a stupid mess.  This all came about because he wanted to earn a little bit of money.  He isn't a stupid kid, but wow, I do not know what he was thinking. 

 

 

I LOL....hiliarious mental image, but oh so glad I didn't have to scrape it up.

 

My kid isn't stupid either, but wow can he pull some crazy stuff.

[Jean in Newcastle]

The problem is his carelessness.  But as many have pointed out, that is normal for a 13 yo boy.  So I will just try to be patient and tolerant.

But the point is that I don't think he was careless except in where he mowed.  Dropping a heavy unwieldy bag isn't careless, in my opinion.  It is something that happens to the best of us.  I can't tell if you were joking in expecting him to wade into a place with yellow jackets.  I hope that you were.  But wanting to avoid painful stings is not careless.  Problem solving to find a way to get the bag back was not careless.  Sure, he didn't know how much weight an aluminum pole could handle and so the pole broke, but that isn't carelessness.  That is lack of experience.  And last time I checked, lack of experience isn't a character flaw.  

[Scarlett]

But the point is that I don't think he was careless except in where he mowed.  Dropping a heavy unwieldy bag isn't careless, in my opinion.  It is something that happens to the best of us.  I can't tell if you were joking in expecting him to wade into a place with yellow jackets.  I hope that you were.  But wanting to avoid painful stings is not careless.  Problem solving to find a way to get the bag back was not careless.  Sure, he didn't know how much weight an aluminum pole could handle and so the pole broke, but that isn't carelessness.  That is lack of experience.  And last time I checked, lack of experience isn't a character flaw.  

 

 

I am not even sure they were yellow jackets.  But the bag was going to have to be retrieved regardless. But you are probably correct that carelessness is not the correct word to describe any of it...inexperience is probably better.  And he can't be faulted for that AND the only way to gain experience is to actually do stuff.

 

So yes, I see your point.

[Catwoman]

But the point is that I don't think he was careless except in where he mowed. Dropping a heavy unwieldy bag isn't careless, in my opinion. It is something that happens to the best of us. I can't tell if you were joking in expecting him to wade into a place with yellow jackets. I hope that you were. But wanting to avoid painful stings is not careless. Problem solving to find a way to get the bag back was not careless. Sure, he didn't know how much weight an aluminum pole could handle and so the pole broke, but that isn't carelessness. That is lack of experience. And last time I checked, lack of experience isn't a character flaw.

:iagree:

 

And if I walked outside and saw my ds trying to retrieve a bag from a spot where there were a bunch of yellow jackets, the first thing I'd do is tell him to leave the bag and get out of there! :eek:

 

And then I'd go get the bag, or if there were lots and lots of bees, I'd wait until it started to get dark and go spray them, and then I'd go get the bag.

 

Because I'd rather see myself get stung by some bees than to see it happen to my ds.

 

I still think the pool pole thing was quite ingenious, though! :thumbup:

[Scarlett]

:iagree:

 

And if I walked outside and saw my ds trying to retrieve a bag from a spot where there were a bunch of yellow jackets, the first thing I'd do is tell him to leave the bag and get out of there! :eek:

 

And then I'd go get the bag, or if there were lots and lots of bees, I'd wait until it started to get dark and go spray them, and then I'd go get the bag.

 

Because I'd rather see myself get stung by some bees than to see it happen to my ds.

 

I still think the pool pole thing was quite ingenious, though! :thumbup:

 

 

You and dh agree on the pole thing being ingenious.  He lol'd when I told him.

 

I told ds to get the wasp spray and go in to retrieve the bag.  He did fine.  Used a whole can of spray and not one sting.  He is a cautious one usually, so I wasn't overly worried about him getting stung.

 

Edited to add:  We live in the country...there are flying and stinging and biting things EVERYWHERE.  If I rescued ds from every possible situaiton involving a sting or bite he would never leave the house!

[Catwoman]

You and dh agree on the pole thing being ingenious. He lol'd when I told him.

 

I told ds to get the wasp spray and go in to retrieve the bag. He did fine. Used a whole can of spray and not one sting. He is a cautious one usually, so I wasn't overly worried about him getting stung.

I probably would have used the whole can of spray, too! :D

[Scarlett]

I probably would have used the whole can of spray, too! :D

 

 

Ha.  Did you see my edit above?

[Catwoman]

Ha. Did you see my edit above?

In that case, I'd have to have some kind of special holster made, so I could carry the can of bug spray with me everywhere I went! :D

[Deee]

Scarlett I think you have been really gracious in this thread.

 

 

I'm still laughing about the cat litter! I shouldn't laugh, cos its something DS12 would do, and then it would be my problem and not so funny......

D

[Scarlett]

On the positive side I would like to report that ds took the trash out without being asked yesterday.

 

When I told him the story about the cat liter he said, ' see I am not the only bad kid'.

 

:(. I told him he is NOT a bad kid.

 

Sigh.

[texasmama]

So many of the mistakes my kids make are due to inexperience.  I have to remind myself that at one point, I didn't intuitively know how to do these things and had to be explicitly taught or figure it out through trial and error.  When you are middle aged like me, those learning experiences were a very long time ago, but I do recall some of them.  In fact, in college, I told a friend that she could just use dishwashing liquid meant for the sink in her dishwasher.  Ummm, no.  Her apartment dishwasher flooded out with soap suds all over the kitchen.  I was about 20 at the time.

[Scarlett]

So many of the mistakes my kids make are due to inexperience. I have to remind myself that at one point, I didn't intuitively know how to do these things and had to be explicitly taught or figure it out through trial and error. When you are middle aged like me, those learning experiences were a very long time ago, but I do recall some of them. In fact, in college, I told a friend that she could just use dishwashing liquid meant for the sink in her dishwasher. Ummm, no. Her apartment dishwasher flooded out with soap suds all over the kitchen. I was about 20 at the time.

Yes that is something ds has done twice within a couple of weeks. The first time I laughed.....the second time I was quite annoyed....he knew better and just didn't pay attention.

[Kim in Appalachia]

On the positive side I would like to report that ds took the trash out without being asked yesterday.

 

When I told him the story about the cat liter he said, ' see I am not the only bad kid'.

 

:(. I told him he is NOT a bad kid.

 

Sigh.

 

 

That's what I've become more sensitive to.  Even if I just say, "Please be more careful next time, " my sensitive ds13 thinks he was "bad".  I try to make sure that none of my kids think they are "bad" just because of mistakes, accidents, or failures, but for some reason they all go right to "I'm bad".  Kids tend to be hardest on themselves, and I've learned to keep that in mind.  Now I try and share a about a time when I did something "stupid, foolish, or careless", and try and help them see that it's a part of life.

 

I do understand how frustrating it can be when it seems like the are always being careless.  I hold my breath, count to 10, and just smile. 

[sparrow]

On the positive side I would like to report that ds took the trash out without being asked yesterday.

 

When I told him the story about the cat liter he said, ' see I am not the only bad kid'.

 

:(. I told him he is NOT a bad kid.

 

Sigh.

 

Well, you have to be doing *something* right, because though my ds doesn't complain when I ask him to do things, it would NEVER cross his mind to take the trash out without being asked!  He will vacuum, but any other obvious chore, as in, the bathroom wastebasket is overflowing or there are dishes to put in the dishwasher, are not done unless I ask.

[LaughingCat]

I think it's important to learn to "make amends" --  Yes, sometimes you will be graced with a person who absolves you from the consequences - but other times you won't.   That is part of life too.

 

However, I think part of making amends is coming up with ways to do so not just being assigned to pay for something.  In this case, if the DS fixes the pole or maybe he could be the one that cleans the pool for a while - but I would talk this through with him, along with the whole idea that amends have to be agreeable to the hurt party and that any "fix" needs to actually work or there can be remaining bad feelings (for example, if the fixed pole was a ongoing pain to use).