15yodd's Research paper...Opinions?

[steppingstonemomma]

Here is my dd's first research paper. This is her second revision. I am wondering two things...

1. Can anyone offer any advice on the writing?

and

2. Dh thinks that we should have her dual enroll this upcoming spring semester for English 101. I am all for it because I don't feel like I can teach her anything else, but I don't feel confident that she is at college level ability yet. According to the assessment test for the CC she tested into Eng 101, but I am just doubtful. She is in the summer Informative Research Paper workshop from Write @ Home and this is her first time being evaluated by someone other than me. I just have NO frame of reference as to whether she is doing well or miserably!

 

Ok, here it is..formatting is all messed up...

 

                                            The Tarahumara’s Transition to City Life

 

Little girls in brightly colored traditional clothing are a common sight in the city of Chihuahua.  Their families have come from the Sierra Madre farther west in the mountains.  Over the years Tarahumara culture has changed from a primitive life in the caves on the side of the mountains to a more modern lifestyle as they have transitioned to city life.

First, consider the history. The Tarahumara are one of the largest indigenous people groups in both Americas. (Geographic, 07)  They are a Uto-Aztec tribe which used to inhabit all of north, central Mexico. To this day they have maintained their independence and identity. During the European conquests some native groups disappeared because of enslavement and interbreeding. The Tarahumara, however, prospered.

In the past, the Tarahumara’s first contact with the Spaniards were with the Jesuit missionaries in 1607. They introduced the Tarahumara to Catholicism and provided them with plows, axes, sheep and goats, which allowed them to advance their culture slightly. Though the Jesuits provided the Tarahumara with many new things to make their lives easier the Jesuits were not the kindest neighbors. There were several uprisings which soon caused the Tarahumara to retreat to the Sierra Madre which is in Northern Mexico, approximately 4 hours from Chihuahua City.

The Sierra Madre means “Mother Mountains†which is a fitting name because they are very in tune to nature. The Sierra Madre is over 8,000 ft bigger than the Grand Canyon. The copper canyon which is part of the Sierra Madre has been cut by the Urique River to the depth of 5,000ft. The Tarahumara live in both the canyon and the plateau country. On the plateau the land is broken and rough causing farming to be very difficult.

This is evidenced in the way the Tarahumara live in small houses made of adobe, wood or even rock which are built into the side of the mountain. On the plateau area one Tarahumara family lives in a compound or rancho. Since they enjoy seclusion they live far distances from each other. (Chad Rizzuto, 09) The houses are dark because of no windows. A rancho consists of one to two rooms made of logs, granary, or rough boards. There is a small chicken coop and a goat corral. Inside the house there is very little furniture. There is no stove, chairs, or tables. There is a crude bench a board laid across two stumps. There is a metate which is a flattened stone to grind parched corn. There is no piped water or sink but a small well or river nearby. For bedding there are cowhides, sheepskin or a straw mat thrown down on the hard tramped earth. For growing families they enlarge their houses by leaning boards against the outside. Crops are grown in small pockets of decent soil. Grown there are beans, squash, potatoes and a small orchard. The animals that are on the little farm are goats, cattle, chickens and sheep.

 

Yet, they do not always stay in these homes. Sierra winters are harsh, so in the fall, Tarahumara travel down the mountain into secluded caves and canyons to brave out the winter months because the lower elevation is warmer. In the Spring they go back to their original homes closer to the top.

Because of this need to travel up and down the canyon, the Tarahumara have become known as amazing runners. They also need physical endurance to run the distance between ranchos to visit with family and friends. All boys and girls begin running early by running after stray cattle and goats. Because they run so much the Tarahumara hold famous footraces up to 100 miles. The races are called Ralajipame which means foot throwing game. As the runners run children will throw balls or hoops that the runners must kick into small obstacles as they go. (Kennedy, 90, 13-39) The runners race either barefoot or in sandals made out of tire rubber. Most races are only for men but some girls hold their own competitions. Once the first man has crossed the finish line he would have run for about 14-15 hours.

In addition to running, music is a very big part of Tarahumaran culture. Even the most common task holds higher meaning when music is in the air. During all their festivals or holidays there is always music. They play hand carved violins while dancers in full, flowy skirts dance with rattles. During other times they play three holed flutes combined with small handheld drums. They believe that music can make them holier.

Furthermore, Tarahumaran’s follow animistic beliefs. They believe that they were created by God and everyone else was created by the Devil. Since, racing is very important to Tarahumaran culture, they believe there was a great race between the Devil and God. After the big race the Devil was pronounced winner which caused the Chabochi’s to rule the earth producing hardships for the Tarahumarans. The Tarahumarans, however, can face any hardships because they will rule in heaven. Perhaps this lead to the conflict between the Tarahumara and the Chabochis. (Chad Rizzuto, 09)

Their seclusion offers little knowledge of the outside world. This appears to create an insular people who can care for their physical needs but who have little understanding of more sophisticated matters. “The Tarahumara regard work necessary for survival but lack intrinsic moral merit of their own.†(Karen Font and Cynthia Gorney,11) 

 

The challenges of their environment led the Tarahumaran families to seek easier lives, however they did not seem to fit in with the other Mexicans.  The transition was and still is hard for the Tarahumarans because they are ill equipped to succeed in the city. This time of transition is even harder than the time in Tarahumaran history when the Jesuits kicked them out of their Uto-Aztecan tribe. It was easier to just move and not have to change the way they lived and not have to learn a new language.  Since the move to the cities, they have had to mesh with Mexican culture and learn Spanish in order to survive.

Though Tarahumaran’s have just recently started spreading out to different cities, they originally lived throughout Chihuahua state, which to this day holds the most Tarahumarans. “The CDI lists a total of Tarahumaran population is 124,947 as of 2011â€(Chris Nickerson,11)

Since Mexicans dislike Tarahumarans, they are not privileged to the same rights as Mexicans. For example “83.7% indigenous people are without access to health servicesâ€(Chris Nickerson,12) In the city the Tarahumara accept the ways of the Chabochi’s but still keep aloof from them.

 

Unfortunately, the government of Chihuahua barely tolerates Tarahumarans.(Chris Nickerson,11) The Government set up communities to segregate from Mexicans. The community is a 4 block square sometimes less. Approximately, 200 people are crammed into the four blocks of government provided housing.(Chris Nickerson,11)  The 10X10ft cinderblock or scrap metal houses often are homes to 15-20 family members.  Furniture is often limited to a small fire ring and some blankets on the floor. Electricity and running water are very scarce throughout the community.

In the midst of this poverty, alcoholism and drug abuse are rampant. In fact, it is common for men, women and even children to be addicted to drugs. According to Chris Nickerson, a missionary to the Tarahumarans in the city, “Many children are physically and emotionally neglected by their parents.†(Chris Nickerson,12) Some of this neglect appears right away, as many mothers will not name their children for over a year. Reasons for this may include the parents not wanting to emotionally attach to these children perhaps hoping to ease the pain should the child die.  

Clothing for women has not changed from the Sierra to the city. The woman’s clothing includes a traditional skirt made of lots of heavy fabric reaching all the way to her ankles. The whole outfit is worn with sandals made out of rubber tire and rawhide. Men’s clothing has changed for the better. In the Sierra he would wear a loincloth without a shirt, sandals, and a colorful headband. In the city they dress like cowboys down to the hat and boots. In the beginning children wore traditional clothing but organizations and even the government have provided second hand clothing and shoes for children.

Traditionally, in order to earn a living, women make handcrafted items to sell. Normally the crafts are pottery, blankets, weaving, basketry and jewelry. Many small children, often only 2-4 years old, are sent out all day to beg in the streets. Many Tarahumarans believe that the Chabochi’s owe them money until it is their turn to rule heaven. This way of thinking is called Kerima.(Chad Rizzuto,09)

Generally, most of the Tarahumarans have kept the same beliefs from the Sierra. Two communities however have been greatly affected by a protestant missions group. These missionaries have set up a Tarahumaran church in the middle of one of the communities and a children’s afternoon program called Light Shine in both of them. This program teaches hygiene, social/ emotional skills, educational help (tutoring), a meal, and most significantly an introduction to a belief in Jesus and Christianity.

Due to this there have been great changes in both communities. Children are learning basic body hygiene which has caused a decrease in illnesses. They are learning about healthy relationships by honoring their parents, showing love to each other and learning right from wrong. Children are attending school more regularly and are succeeding in reading and writing. Their bodies are healthier due to a nutritious meal served twice a week.

Lastly, many of the children are changing spiritually. A handful of children recently converted to Christianity and publically announced it by baptism. Their lifestyle is showing evidence of this change.  

 

Over the years Tarahumara culture has changed from a primitive life in the caves on the side of the mountains to a more modern lifestyle as they have transitioned to city life. This change has created a third distinct culture amongst the city Tarahumarans. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Jean in Newcastle]

General comments:  She has a good vocabulary and has most of the mechanics of writing down, which makes reading what she wrote easy.  She has some trouble with commas.  This is a pretty straight-forward research paper which informs us about this people group.  It does not have a thesis per se that she really has to defend.  She simply has to show us the transition of this people from a less modern life to a modern one, which she does.  She does need to watch out for some loaded words in her paper that move it from being informational to making value judgments about the Tarahumaran culture.  

 

                                           The Tarahumara’s Transition to City Life

 

Little girls in brightly colored traditional clothing are a common sight in the city of Chihuahua.  Their families have come from the Sierra Madre farther west in the mountains.  Over the years Tarahumara culture has changed from a primitive life in the caves on the side of the mountains to a more modern lifestyle as they have transitioned to city life.  I'm assuming that all little girls in brightly colored traditional clothing are Tarahumaran?  If not, she needs to clarify this.

First, consider the history. The Tarahumara are one of the largest indigenous people groups in both Americas. (Geographic, 07)  They are a(an) Uto-Aztec tribe which used to inhabit all of north, (take out comma)  central Mexico. To this day(comma) they have maintained their independence and identity. During the European conquests some native groups disappeared because of enslavement and interbreeding. The Tarahumara, however, prospered.  Can someone chime in here?  Interbreeding makes me wince.  It implies to me breeding between animals.  But I could be wrong.  What would the right word be?  

In the past,(take out this clause - of course 1607 is in the past) The Tarahumara’s first contact with the Spaniards were with the Jesuit missionaries in 1607. They introduced the Tarahumara to Catholicism and provided them with plows, axes, sheep and goats, which allowed them to advance their culture slightly. (A bit of a loaded judgment.  It might be better to say that they advanced in technology.)  Though the Jesuits provided the Tarahumara with many new things to make their lives easier(comma) the Jesuits were not the kindest neighbors. There were several uprisings which soon caused the Tarahumara to retreat to the Sierra Madre which is in Northern Mexico, approximately 4 hours from Chihuahua City.  The Jesuists led uprisings against the Tarahumara?  I'm thinking that might be unlikely?  Were these unsuccessful uprisings by the Tarahumara that then caused them to retreat?

The Sierra Madre means “Mother Mountains†which is a fitting name because they are very in tune to nature. The Sierra Madre is over 8,000 ft bigger than the Grand Canyon. The copper canyon which is part of the Sierra Madre has been cut by the Urique River to the depth of 5,000ft. The Tarahumara live in both the canyon and the plateau country. On the plateau the land is broken and rough(comma) causing farming to be very difficult.

(Is this the start of a new paragraph?  What is evidenced in their small houses?  That farming is difficult?)  This is evidenced in the way the Tarahumara live in small houses made of adobe, wood or even rock which are built into the side of the mountain. On the plateau area(comma) one Tarahumara family lives in a compound or rancho. Since they enjoy seclusion(comma) they live far distances from each other. (Chad Rizzuto, 09) The houses are dark because of no windows. A rancho consists of one to two rooms made of logs, granary(their house is made of a storehouse for threshed grains?), or rough boards. There is a small chicken coop and a goat corral. Inside the house there is very little furniture. There is no stove, chairs, or tables. There is a crude bench(semi colon) a board laid across two stumps. There is a metate which is a flattened stone to grind parched corn. There is no piped water or sink but a small well or river nearby. For bedding(comma) there are cowhides, sheepskin or a straw mat thrown down on the hard tramped earth. For growing families(comma) they enlarge their houses by leaning boards against the outside. Crops are grown in small pockets of decent soil. Grown there are beans, squash, potatoes and a small orchard. The animals that are on the little farm are goats, cattle, chickens and sheep.

 

Yet, they do not always stay in these homes. Sierra winters are harsh, so in the fall, Tarahumara travel down the mountain into secluded caves and canyons to brave out the winter months because the lower elevation is warmer. In the Spring they go back to their original homes closer to the top.

Because of this need to travel up and down the canyon, the Tarahumara have become known as amazing runners. They also need physical endurance to run the distance between ranchos to visit with family and friends. All boys and girls begin running early by running after stray cattle and goats. Because they run so much(comma) the Tarahumara hold famous footraces up to 100 miles. The races are called Ralajipame(comma) which means foot throwing game. As the runners run(comma) children will throw balls or hoops that the runners must kick into small obstacles as they go. (Kennedy, 90, 13-39) The runners race either barefoot or in sandals made out of tire rubber. Most races are only for men(comma) but some girls hold their own competitions. Once the first man has crossed the finish line(comma) he would have run for about 14-15 hours.

In addition to running, music is a very big part of Tarahumaran culture. Even the most common task holds higher meaning when music is in the air. During all their festivals or holidays there is always music. They play hand carved violins while dancers in full, flowy skirts dance with rattles. During other times they play three holed flutes combined with small handheld drums. They believe that music can make them holier.

Furthermore, Tarahumaran’s follow animistic beliefs. They believe that they were created by God and everyone else was created by the Devil. Since, racing is very important to Tarahumaran culture, they believe there was a great race between the Devil and God. After the big race the Devil was pronounced winner which caused the Chabochi’s to rule the earth producing hardships for the Tarahumarans. The Tarahumarans, however, can face any hardships because they will rule in heaven. Perhaps this lead to the conflict between the Tarahumara and the Chabochis. (Chad Rizzuto, 09)

Their seclusion offers little knowledge of the outside world. This appears to create an insular people who can care for their physical needs but who have little understanding of more sophisticated matters. (value judgment) â€œThe Tarahumara regard work necessary for survival but lack intrinsic moral merit of their own.†(Karen Font and Cynthia Gorney,11) Is this quote saying that the Tarahumara don't have any moral merit as a people?  Is this quote written down correctly?  I would assume that it might have been referring to them not seeing work as having any moral merit of its own?  

 

The challenges of their environment led the Tarahumaran families to seek easier lives, however they did not seem to fit in with the other Mexicans.  The transition was and still is hard for the Tarahumarans because they are ill equipped to succeed in the city. This time of transition is even harder than the time in Tarahumaran history when the Jesuits kicked them out of their Uto-Aztecan tribe. The Jesuits kicked them out of their tribe?  I thought the entire tribe retreated?  It was easier to just move and not have to change the way they lived and not have to learn a new language.  Since the move to the cities, they have had to mesh with Mexican culture and learn Spanish in order to survive.

Though Tarahumaran’s (no appostrophe since this is not indicating a possessive) have just recently started spreading out to different cities, they originally lived throughout Chihuahua state, which to this day holds the most Tarahumarans. “The CDI lists a total of Tarahumaran population is 124,947 as of 2011â€(Chris Nickerson,11)  Is this quote accurate?  I would expect it to say "The CDI lists a total Tarahumaran population of 124,947 as of 2011"

Since Mexicans dislike Tarahumarans, they are not privileged to the same rights as Mexicans. For example “83.7% indigenous people are without access to health servicesâ€(Chris Nickerson,12) In the city the Tarahumara accept the ways of the Chabochi’s but still keep aloof from them.  Is this by law?  "Same rights" would indicate the lack of access was due to law?  (Just clarifying)

 

Unfortunately, the government of Chihuahua barely tolerates Tarahumarans.(Chris Nickerson,11) The Government set up communities to segregate (them) from Mexicans. The community is a 4 block square(comma) sometimes less. Approximately, 200 people are crammed into the four blocks of government provided housing.(Chris Nickerson,11)  The 10X10ft cinderblock or scrap metal houses often are homes to 15-20 family members.  Furniture is often limited to a small fire ring and some blankets on the floor. Electricity and running water are very scarce throughout the community.

In the midst of this poverty, alcoholism and drug abuse are rampant. In fact, it is common for men, women and even children to be addicted to drugs. According to Chris Nickerson, a missionary to the Tarahumarans in the city, “Many children are physically and emotionally neglected by their parents.†(Chris Nickerson,12) Some of this neglect appears right away, as many mothers will not name their children for over a year. Reasons for this may include the parents not wanting to emotionally attach to these children perhaps hoping to ease the pain should the child die.  

Clothing for women has not changed from the Sierra to the city. The woman’s (Women's) clothing includes a traditional skirt made of lots of heavy fabric reaching all the way to her ankles. The whole outfit is worn with sandals made out of rubber tire and rawhide. Men’s clothing has changed for the better. (value judgment)  In the Sierra he would wear a loincloth without a shirt, sandals, and a colorful headband. In the city they dress like cowboys down to the hat and boots. In the beginning(comma) children wore traditional clothing but organizations and even the government have provided second hand clothing and shoes for children.  So who is wearing the colorful traditional clothing in the first paragraph?

Traditionally, in order to earn a living, women make handcrafted items to sell. Normally the crafts are pottery, blankets, weaving, basketry and jewelry. Many small children, often only 2-4 years old, are sent out all day to beg in the streets. Many Tarahumarans believe that the Chabochi’s owe them money until it is their turn to rule heaven. This way of thinking is called Kerima.(Chad Rizzuto,09)

Generally, most of the Tarahumarans have kept the same beliefs from the Sierra. Two communities however have been greatly affected by a Protestant missions group. These missionaries have set up a Tarahumaran church in the middle of one of the communities and a children’s afternoon program called Light Shine in both of them. This program teaches hygiene, social/ emotional skills, educational help (tutoring), a meal, and most significantly an introduction to a belief in Jesus and Christianity.

Due to this(comma) there have been great changes in both communities. Children are learning basic body hygiene which has caused a decrease in illnesses. They are learning about healthy relationships by honoring their parents, showing love to each other and learning right from wrong. Children are attending school more regularly and are succeeding in reading and writing. Their bodies are healthier due to a nutritious meal served twice a week.

Lastly, many of the children are changing spiritually. A handful of children recently converted to Christianity and publically(publicly) announced it by baptism. Their lifestyle is showing evidence of this change.  

 

Over the years Tarahumara culture has changed from a primitive life in the caves on the side of the mountains to a more modern lifestyle as they have transitioned to city life. This change has created a third distinct culture amongst the city Tarahumarans. Why do you say this?  I count a country Tarahumaran culture and a city one?  Are there 3 cultures for city Tarahumarans?

 

I know there is a lot of red ink but the paper is not bad.  I might suggest using the punctuation part of Analytical Grammar to get comma usage sorted out.  Also - she needs to decide if these people are the Tarahumarans or the Tarahumara.  She uses both throughout the paper.  

[Harriet Vane]

I will just offer some quick comments as I don't have time this morning for the details Jean gave.

 

This is a good first research paper. She's got the right general idea. However, I suspect she is not citing enough, and her citations are formatted incorrectly. Citations should be inside the sentence, before the period, like this:

 

Incorrect:

Approximately, 200 people are crammed into the four blocks of government provided housing.(Chris Nickerson,11)

 

Correct:

Approximately, 200 people are crammed into the four blocks of government provided housing (Nickerson 11).

 

A great resource is Schaum's Quick Guide to Writing Great Research Papers.

 

Also, your dd should write a much, much longer paper as a high school student. I teach writing courses and typically require my students to take 6-8 weeks to write a 12-15 page research paper.

[Corraleno]

I hope this doesn't sound harsh, but IMO this is not a research paper. Not only is it quite short (as Harriet Vane mentioned, above), there is no thesis, and, with the exception of Kennedy's book (which was part of a series written for school libraries and is not one of his academic works), the only references seem to be a couple of writers for National Geographic and two missionaries. It's basically a grab bag of facts about the Tarahumara, and much of it doesn't even specifically relate to the theme of "adapting to city life." 

 

The closest thing to a thesis that I can see is the implication that Protestant missionaries are improving the lives of Tarahumara Indians that live in a particular area of a particular city. If that is indeed her thesis, then she needs to state it up front and support it with facts. I would probably have her rework this as a persuasive essay, with that thesis, because there is simply not enough material there for a research paper.

 

That said, I would let her dual enroll in English 101, which is likely to focus (at least in the beginning) on essays rather than research papers. It should help her learn how to choose, develop, and support a thesis, which is the foundation for research papers.

 

Jackie

[swimmermom3]

Your dd is on par with many of her peers with regards to her mechanics and most of the minor blips will smooth out with practice. The bigger issue is clarity with regards to the assignment. Here is a link to the Purdue OWL site which explains in depth what a research paper is.

 

If I were to draw  a thesis from this paper, it would seem to be that your dd thinks that the Protestant missionaries made a positive difference in the transition from rural to urban life, but this idea does not occur until quite late in the paper. That particular section is also loaded with value judgements that would be inappropriate in a secular academic setting.

 

 

Generally, most of the Tarahumarans have kept the same beliefs from the Sierra. Two communities however have been greatly affected by a protestant missions group. These missionaries have set up a Tarahumaran church in the middle of one of the communities and a children’s afternoon program called Light Shine in both of them. This program teaches hygiene, social/ emotional skills, educational help (tutoring), a meal, and most significantly an introduction to a belief in Jesus and Christianity.

Due to this there have been great changes in both communities. Children are learning basic body hygiene which has caused a decrease in illnesses. They are learning about healthy relationships by honoring their parents, showing love to each other and learning right from wrong. Children are attending school more regularly and are succeeding in reading and writing. Their bodies are healthier due to a nutritious meal served twice a week.

Lastly, many of the children are changing spiritually. A handful of children recently converted to Christianity and publically announced it by baptism. Their lifestyle is showing evidence of this change. 

 

Lots of assertions, no proof. The part in red implies that prior to the work of the missionaries, the people didn't honor their parents, didn't show love to each other and were unable to distinguish right from wrong. Your student should be asking questions about these concepts. Part of writing a research paper is learning to evaluate your sources.

 

In high school, writing is really less about the mechanics and more about the thought process.

 

 

[mama2em29]

She chose an interesting topic! 

 

Some spoke already to the slightly confusing nature of the organization between subpoints in the paper as well as a vague communication of topic. 

 

You specifically asked for style pointers, for feedback on her writing. In her syntax, she often reverts to simple sentences, mostly of S-LV structure; you can tackle this two ways. Does she know her grammar well? If so, have her take a body paragraph, have her parse every sentence, determining her particular repetitions, and then have her rewrite the paragraph to vary her syntax.  If she does not have that sort of mastery on grammar, you can bring her attention to her verb choices, particularly the overuse of "are." Ask her to rewrite her sentences to reduce the number of these verbs (linking verbs). To do this well, she will have to vary not only her verb choices but also her sentence structure. 

 

For a workbook/handbook on improving style, she could use Robert Harris's Writing with Clarity and Style. It will introduce her to some rhetorical strategies that will improve her writing overall. 

 

 

Edited August 21, 2013 by mama2em29