my oldest is leaving for college, and I am a mess

[texasmama]

It took me some time to figure out why I am weepy and feeling overwhelmed all the time lately.  Suddenly, it hit me that it is because my oldest dd is going to college.  I move her into the dorm on August 24th.

 

I think I was slow to realize what my major malfunction was because she is a great kid, I am not worried about her going, she is attending a college 45 minutes away, I can call or visit anytime, and she will be home many weekends.  She was not homeschooled.  She always attended private school.

 

However, it feels in my heart like I am taking her to the ends of the earth and dropping her off in a Survivor episode or something.  Not that I am worried about her.  I am not.  I am worried about me.  lol  Only not so funny....

 

For awhile I thought I must be having perimenopause because I usually know why I am a blubbering mess and I had no idea why.  Good that I finally figured it out, I suppose.  I told dh that she was leaving and the other babies would leave, too.  My youngest is 7, so I have some time.  Then I asked dh if we could adopt some babies since it is too late to give birth to more.  I know...I know.

 

She is turning 18 tomorrow.  She is a great kid/adult.  I wish my mom were alive to see this.  Hold me. I'm starting to feel like I am losing my mind so please tell me I am not, those who have BTDT or are doing it.

[Caroline]

Hugs. Me, too.

 

My oldest is going to college 35 minutes away on August 15th. Ugh. It isn't easy. I will miss him a lot. He is my buddy.

 

 

[Jen in NY]

Right there with you. 'D' day here is Aug 18th.

 

Feel like I am drowning half the time... but I know it is more about me than her. She's going to be great! I am concerned for her, but she's a strong girl. She'll come out the other side. I, on the other hand, feel like I am waking up from an 18 year long dream where I had a clearly defined purpose in life and I was doing a great job. Now that I am awake, what do I do?

 

Weird.

 

A confluence of events (my other two at camp) have made this last week hard.

 

Hugs all the way around. We'll get through it.

[Lori D.]

:grouphug: Hugs, and passing the box of tissues. :grouphug:  This lovely commiseration thread might help to know you're not alone... Having a hard time letting go

[Angie in VA]

Mine will be a few HOURS away, and she leaves even sooner. I truly am happy and excited for my dd, and since she is such an over-achiever, I am almost looking forward to the rest. Parenting her is exhausting! She will now have all her zillions of activities and classes on one campus and I won't have to drive everywhere! Oh, and I can concentrate on my other child who is also homeschooled!

 

All that said, we hates it. We hates it. We hates it forever.

[AK_Mom4]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

That was me last year.  We shipped oldest DD off to college to a place she had never even visited and where she knew no one.  She was fine.  She made friends, had a great year and loves what she is studying.

 

I was a wreck.  It took me a full month to adjust to her not being around.  Everything was too quiet, too neat, too "not her".  And she was gone so long - we didn't see her again until Christmas (though she skyped often!) 

 

I just had to keep reminding myself that I went thru the same thing two years earlier with her brother.  Didn't make it EASIER, but at least I knew that "this too would pass".

[creekland]

:grouphug:  to all.

 

BTDT with oldest 3 years ago and middle last year.  Youngest is a senior now, so will be doing it again next year - for the last time.

 

I'm still adjusting and there are times where I get very wistful for the old days as our family was awesome growing up even when the older two hit their teens...

 

But time moves on and hubby and I are making plans for our empty nest days.  It will be different, that's for certain.

 

Both "launched" kids are doing VERY well.  Oldest got married a month ago today.

[Gwen in VA]

The first year I had a kid out of the nest it was awful. I cried at the drop of a hat, and I lived for her phone calls. Now I am down to only one high schooler, and I'm sort of used to this "the kids are out of the house" thing. It's wonderful to talk with them on the phone and hear the neat things they are up to. And dh is starting to dream about our post-kid life, which he thinks should involve a boat and a lot of weekend cruising!

 

I miss the days when all the kids were at home, but I am so thrilled at the lives they are leading right now that I wouldn't change anything for the world!

[Penguin]

I have had practice with Eldest, but I am nevertheless going to be a basket case in three weeks when we leave Middle at college.

I pity my husband who will have to endure my sobbing and blubbering the whole way home.

 

 

 

[Laura Corin]

I was helping Calvin to brainstorm his personal statement for university applications yesterday, and all I could think was, 'Don't go!'  

 

I have every confidence that he will be more than fine.  I'm going to be a mess though.

 

Best wishes

 

L

[Angie in VA]

Double post.

[regentrude]

I am sending good wishes to everybody. I'll be crying on your shoulder next year :-(, mine is just starting applications.

[Angie in VA]

I was helping Calvin to brainstorm his personal statement for university applications yesterday, and all I could think was, 'Don't go!'

 

I have every confidence that he will be more than fine. I'm going to be a mess though.

 

Best wishes

 

L

Yeah, there was a lot of this last year when dd started the college apps:

 

 

[momofkhm]

There with you too.  Except mine will be in town.  I pass her exit on my way to work.  

 

:grouphug:

[Kathy in Richmond]

Hugs to all of you experiencing this for the first time!! It's still rough for me! My kids are both 3000 miles away & I miss them terribly at times.  The toughest separation was dropping dd (my youngest) off at her college. Dh and I planned a one week vacation drive home afterwards, which helped mark the event as the start of a new life together for us :001_smile:

 

Thank goodness for modern technology, though (what did our parents do?!) Ds still checks in on Skype like clockwork once a week. Dd tends to IM, text, Skype, email, or call at any old time. Last night she Skyped while fixing her dinner & needing advice on a favorite recipe from home. It was *almost* like having her in the kitchen with me again. :001_smile: 

 

As others have said, I'm thrilled that they're independent & doing super well in their lives.

[nancy in nj]

My oldest and only also heads off to college (2.5 hours away) on the 17th. I am so not ready to be an empty-nester! One one hand, I am excited and thankful that her health issues are finally under control enough for a relatively normal college experience. On the other hand, there are days when I can't even breathe at the thought of her moving on. My dd is going to be great, and I can't wait to see what she makes of the tremendous opportunities that will be available, both academically and socially. Now I just have to figure out what to do with the rest of my life!

 

My husband and I have major home painting projects planned for the next few months--stuff we have been deferring because of our dd's asthma--so at least I will be busy.

[dirty ethel rackham]

:grouphug:  I was in your shoes a year ago.  I think I spent those weeks at home pushing down those feelings because I wanted to create a peaceful transition for my son as I knew he was nervous about being out on his own and making his own decisions.  I worked at creating positive memories, but I think I was quite brittle and would have shattered if pushed.   I allowed myself to get a little misty-eyed when we said good bye and saved the body-wracking sobs for the car ride home.  Good thing hubby was driving.   I gained 8 lbs that fall (part of it I blame on thyroid medication problems but much of it was those bags of chocolate chips that somehow disappeared. )  I sobbed in the shower every day for a week ... until I got very busy working on school with my other two. 

 

My next one leaves next fall.  Last spring, dd stated that she thinks she might want to try high school.  I thought I was going to loose it ... losing my last two in the same year.  Yeah, I know that going to high school is not the same is moving 3 hours away, but dd and I are so close and she will want to sign up for every activity she can fit into her schedule:).   

 

Praying for you.  You will get through this.  It will be hard, but you are strong. 

[texasmama]

Thank you, thank you, thank you!  I had no idea this was coming, the feelings of it anyway (not sure why...), and it is a great comfort to hear others are similarly distraught. 

 

Lori, I read every post of that thread you linked.  Thank you for that.

 

I know she will do well, be happy, etc.  I just really love my babies and don't want them to leave, and I am glad to hear from other mamas who feel the same. 

 

I did call her last night and told her that I had cried buckets thinking of her leaving.  In typical teen fashion, she said, "I didn't know you cared that much."  No rudeness in it at all.  lol  She is funny!  She said she would miss her siblings, so I told them, which made them happy.  She and I are at a good place after years of not being at a good place.  I am very grateful for that.  It took until I was in my 30's to get to that place with my own mom, and then she was gone.  I wish I could ask her how she felt when I left for college...

[ThisIsTheDay]

My oldest is leaving in three weeks.  :crying:   I'm in major denial. It's the only way I can deal with it.

 

I'm thrilled for her, heartbroken for me, and so very thankful I have one child still at home.

 

I'm so grateful she'll only be just over 3 hours away.  She's already thinking she might come home for Labor Day weekend, but I refuse to discuss it.  While I'd love to plan for it, what I really want is for her to be having a good enough time that she won't want to come home. :crying: :crying: :crying:

 

Now my stomach is all knotted up.  :sad:

[mamajudy]

:grouphug: I remember when I sent my oldest off to college. I never let anyone know, but I cried my eyes out when I got home. Now my fourth is at the Naval Academy. Taking him there in June was one of the most heart-wrenching experiences of my life. I was a basket case of emotions - pride, fear, sadness, excitement...but I wouldn't trade that time for anything. And I will cherish the hug he gave me that day forever! Next week we get to see him for Plebe Parents Weekend. I can't wait!

[FaithManor]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug: I'm right there with you. DD was married on June 1st, and her hubby got a New Jersey. It's a good job, and there are many ALS paramedic positions open in that area so she'll be able to find work and go finish her degree. She leaves one week from today.

 

I'm trying to be so excited for them, and inside, I'm really struggling. She and I have such a great relationship so it's going to be extra hard to see her go.

 

I'm going to try to keep a stiff upper lip for that goodbye, but man, I'm coming inside this house, getting chocolate and a stout coffee and going to my room to feel sorry for myself for a couple of hours.

 

Be kind to yourself. 

[Nissi]

Ds.1 is leaving on Aug.19 to a school 16 hours away from home in TX. Preparing for it, dealing with personal health issues, and preparing for 10th grade for ds.2 have been demanding but I am hanging in there by the grace of God. Going away on a 3 day church  retreat was the best thing I did to center myself during this time. Also, eating more of a healthy diet has helped to keep the body and mind more stable. Hugs to you. 

[texasmama]

(((hugs))) to all of us.

[Blueridge]

Me, too. Dd will be attending college 1 1/2 hours from home but it might as well be across the country. Missing her terribly! I know I will be crying again soon when we go shopping for her dorm things.  :grouphug: to everyone!

[texasmama]

I am getting together with a childhood friend on Saturday.  Her youngest is leaving for college several states away in two weeks.  I'm sure this and my dd going to college will be a big part of our talk.

[Ravin]

My mom has told me how, after dropping me at college the first time, and having kept up smiles and a great attitude and having shown me her confidence in me, she had to pull over to the side of the road shortly after leaving the campus and cried a while.

 

I'd throw in a hug smiley, but I'm on my mobile. You can do this.

 

P.S. my mom fostered then adopted and hasn't had an empty nest for more than a few months since I was born (I'm her firstborn).

[Starr]

It is simply awful. There is no preparation.  :grouphug: You adjust and life goes on but wow is it painful when they first leave. 

[Vida Winter]

Right there with all of you. Less than three weeks for dd. There is a big lump in my throat now.

[ThisIsTheDay]

Hugs to all of you ladies.  Each time I read of one more mom here, it's like I got kicked in my stomach. 

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :crying:

[creekland]

I have a small solace I'm looking forward to... one week from today we pick up middle son from school and get to spend 10 days together.  Unfortunately, youngest, since he just started his new job, can't come.  We're taking half the time to do a whirlwind tour of relatives (who we'd normally spend 2 weeks visiting in the summer), and then he'll be here for about 5 days - cramming in visits to friends as well as trying to eat every meal he's missed and catching up on some shows we kept taped for him (family shows we used to watch together).

 

It's going to fly by, but it will feel SO GOOD to have him with us even for a short period of time.  (We also had a week after oldest's wedding.)

 

Life is definitely different, but there are still good times.

 

That first week or two - maybe more - ranks up there among the most horrid times in my life though (the only positive about it is being happy for them).  :grouphug:

[Starr]

"Spoiled and like it.", that's what my kids say. So I try but don't always make it. Students love to get mail, at school. It doesn't matter how close to home they are. We stopped by about once a month when we were in the area. Dd took a few hours and we got her off campus for a fun meal out. It never felt like enough for us but it was for her. lol Her roommates complained that their parents didn't come see them. I left ds with her for a couple of overnites. It was a lot of planning on my part but I value their continued friendship. Someone here on the boards writes their college kids every week. It's another parenting time where they love what we give even if they can't give it back in the same way. 

[texasmama]

This reminds me that my sweet mother wrote me a letter every week when I went away to college, even though I was only 45 minutes away.  I did not truly appreciate it at the time, and I'm sure I thought it was silly.  However, I treasure the love behind that now that she is gone.

 

I had a freak out about a rash on her arm that my dd sent me a picture of when she was visiting family several states away.  It was like she was five.  She laughed at me and said that she had just been picking peaches.  I was convinced that she had an allergic reaction to a medication she had taken.  I do feel good that I can jump in the car at any time and drive less than an hour and be there.  We are amazingly busy this year, but I will figure out a regular time to meet her for dinner or something.  I am very fortunate in that she is a cautious, good kid (so unlike my own 18 year old self) so she is less likely to get herself in a mess.  High school was a hard time for her, so I think this will be her chance to spread her wings and gain confidence.

 

(((hugs)))  to all of the mamas in the world who rear them and release them.  I took myself to a therapy appointment over this issue, but what has helped me the most is the mamas here sharing their stories.  Thank you.

[creekland]

Regarding writing... middle son loves "quirky" so I pulled out some old "young kid" party invitations once and sent one to him with a regular note inside - partially saying "Tigger was upset that he never got to see the world and was stuck in a dark drawer for years..."  At a later visit, I saw that invitation on his desk with some of his treasured things...  Of course, it's possible he just put it there to be discovered by me, but I don't think so.

 

Sometimes e-mail/skype just doesn't do it - though both are great.  A mailbox at school can be quite empty unless people send things.

[speedmom4]

This thread is making me feel like a bad momma.  :huh: 

 

My oldest moves into her dorm on August 21. I know that I'm going to miss her but the relief of not having to homeschool her anymore is such a gift. Dd is a very talented young lady and is very hard working, for other people. Last year was stressful with applying to college, auditions, and having three additional children. I have put SO many miles on my new van this past year and it will be nice just to have three to manage. 

 

I'm so excited about the college dd is heading off to. It's only an hour and a half away. I know she's on the right track. I'm just excited about this new chapter in her life. Maybe I'll be sad when she leaves but right now I'm just relieved and excited. 

 

Elise in NC

[texasmama]

I spent several years waiting for dd to leave because it was difficult and unrewarding to parent her.  The past year has reversed much of that, though.  Perhaps distance will make the heart grow fonder in your case, Elise? 

[Guest]

Nothing prepares you for it. Absolutely nothing. I'm glad to see you reaching out to others, because the loss of community was difficult for me--we support each other through pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding, homeschooling, and then there is this big silence about when they fledge, as if we're afraid to scare younger parents by telling them the truth.

 

I'm not sure if it gets easier or if we just get used to it.

 

I "cheated" and had another baby when my ex-baby was 16. I am well aware that this was just "hitting the snooze alarm" and I'm going to have to go through it all over again in a few years.

 

The ex-baby is still local but he won't be forever. I don't charge him to do his laundry here and I keep his favourite foods around. I also broke down and got a cell phone so I could text him, which he olikes better than phone calls and email.

[FloridaLisa]

I'm sending another man-boy off to college in 3 weeks.  He's my third and, well, you know about children born third?  They are angels.  He has grown years in the last two years. This boy helped me perform CPR on his dad when I woke up and found my dh breathing irregularly.  He was the one who called and texted and called while I was at the hospital, wanting news.  And he was the one waiting down at the end of the driveway, leaning against a tree in the still dark morning, as I came back home to tell the kids their dad could not be resuscitated.  His gut reaction as we sobbed was to say that he would always take care of me.   He has pushed through a transition none of us saw coming, made straight As in his college classes, played high school basketball, run track for the first time, coached his 7-year-old brother's flag football team, worked hard and steadily in the summers for college money and pursued a vision for himself in finance/economics.

 

So, yes, I'm going to miss all the little things about having him at home.  But, wow, we've lived a lifetime these last two years. I'm so deeply happy that HE is happy and is going to get to experience all that he has wanted from this college and campus for many years.  And no plans to take care of me in the foreseeable future. :D

 

Lisa

[texasmama]

(((hugs)))  Lisa

 

That brought tears to my eyes.  What a great kid.

[speedmom4]

I'm sending another man-boy off to college in 3 weeks.  He's my third and, well, you know about children born third?  They are angels.  He has grown years in the last two years. This boy helped me perform CPR on his dad when I woke up and found my dh breathing irregularly.  He was the one who called and texted and called while I was at the hospital, wanting news.  And he was the one waiting down at the end of the driveway, leaning against a tree in the still dark morning, as I came back home to tell the kids their dad could not be resuscitated.  His gut reaction as we sobbed was to say that he would always take care of me.   He has pushed through a transition none of us saw coming, made straight As in his college classes, played high school basketball, run track for the first time, coached his 7-year-old brother's flag football team, worked hard and steadily in the summers for college money and pursued a vision for himself in finance/economics.

 

So, yes, I'm going to miss all the little things about having him at home.  But, wow, we've lived a lifetime these last two years. I'm so deeply happy that HE is happy and is going to get to experience all that he has wanted from this college and campus for many years.  And no plans to take care of me in the foreseeable future. :D

 

Lisa

 

Wow! What an amazing young man you have raised. 

 

God Bless,

Elise in NC

[speedmom4]

I spent several years waiting for dd to leave because it was difficult and unrewarding to parent her.  The past year has reversed much of that, though.  Perhaps distance will make the heart grow fonder in your case, Elise? 

 

I didn't represent our situation very well in my previous post. My dd has been a wonderful daughter to parent. We are very close. Homeschooling her has been such a challenge for me. I have learned that it is better for me to cough up the cash and let others teach subjects that I am not equipped to handle. I felt a lot of pressure and stress while homeschooling high school with her. I will not make that mistake with my other three. I know I will miss dd but the relief of not having that responsibility any longer is outweighing any sadness.

 

Thanks!

 

Elise in NC

[texasmama]

I didn't represent our situation very well in my previous post. My dd has been a wonderful daughter to parent. We are very close. Homeschooling her has been such a challenge for me. I have learned that it is better for me to cough up the cash and let others teach subjects that I am not equipped to handle. I felt a lot of pressure and stress while homeschooling high school with her. I will not make that mistake with my other three. I know I will miss dd but the relief of not having that responsibility any longer is outweighing any sadness.

 

Thanks!

 

Elise in NC

Oh, yes, thank you for clarifying.  I did not homeschool my dd who is leaving for college so that dynamic is not involved with her leaving.  I can foresee feeling the relief of no longer being responsible for the educational part of parenting with my youngers, though.

[Kareni]

I'm sending another man-boy off to college in 3 weeks.  ...

 

He sounds like a wonderful young man, Lisa.  I wish him well in his new adventures.

 

All the best to you, too.

 

Regards,

Kareni

[Vida Winter]

Y'all are making me cry, especially Lisa. :grouphug:  I hope we can be here in another three weeks to comfort each other when the kids are away for those first days.

[texasmama]

My rising college freshman is currently camping in a tent on the beach with friends.  I am learning to let go.

[Caroline]

My rising college freshman is currently camping in a tent on the beach with friends. I am learning to let go.

Mine was camping in a tent by the lake a few weeks ago. I am learning, too. And he is spending tomorrow night in a dorm on campus for orientation.

 

Lisa, thank you for your post. You amaze me.

[Brigid in NC]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: to all of you.  I was a basket case when ds1 left.  Now he's in grad school and ds2 is a sophomore, and I have seen that the heartache does heal and a new normal takes hold.  But it takes a while, and it's so hard when you are in the midst of it all.  It helped me to remind myself over and over to "just ski what's in front of you" (just as I do every year on our family ski trip--when I start down a steep, scary mountain).  That helped me focus on today (and sometimes even to just get through the next hour!).  :grouphug: :grouphug:

[*LC]

 I'm so deeply happy that HE is happy and is going to get to experience all that he has wanted from this college and campus for many years.  And no plans to take care of me in the foreseeable future. :D

 

Lisa

 

Lisa,

 

I wrote something similar in an earlier thread about kids going off to college.

 

My husband died before my oldest was a teen, so her junior high and high school years were not at all what I would have envisioned. No matter how hard I try, I know her adolescence has been limited by her dad's death. So, I am excited to watch her follow in his footsteps to his college in and area of study. Finally, one thing is as it would be if he had lived. She will now by a typical college student rather than a teen trying to be dad to her younger siblings. I'm thrilled she will be able to do things on a whim without needing to consult me about if I need her to babysit, drive, whatever. (Of course, I don't know how I am going to go back to only one driver. I almost didn't let another child take up a new activity this fall, because of this.)

 

So, I thought I was ready, but now I am sitting here anxiously waiting for a call/text/email from my daughter, who is at an out-of-state conference. She sent me an email describing some health issues she had the last few days that warrant a trip to the ER right away. (And, I am a health minimalist. Only my child with a head wound in an obvious place got a trip to the ER. Other wounds were treated at home with butterfly stiches and watched. Broken arms were brought to the orthopedist the next day or week.) Now, she is out on an outing, and I am praying that she doesn't have another episode. She won't be home until the night before she leaves for college. Her issues need to be checked out, but there isn't a way to do it unless she flies home early or goes to the Boston ER, where her insurance doesn't work.

 

Her college is only 3 hours away, so I know what I will do if it happens there. However, I don't feel as ready as I did yesterday, or last month.

[JennW in SoCal]

Some things to look forward to when the nest is empty:

 

Leaving the door open when you go to the bathroom, shower or change clothes.  

 

Knowing your secret stash of dark chocolate really is safe.

 

Getting a vacuum under those beds for the first time in goodness knows how many years.

 

Getting to spread out a sewing project or other project on those empty beds (once you know nothing scary is lurking under there).  

 

Long Skype conversations.

 

Silly group text messages between the entire family.

 

Cooking favorite foods when they come home.

 

Being so gosh darn proud of them succeeding on their own.

 

Being so stunned when they come home and cook for themselves then clean up afterwards.  

 

Their surprise at realizing I now have a busy life of my own.

 

*************************************************************************************

 

I wasn't a mess the summer before each left, didn't cry when I left them after moving them into their dorms.  Oh no.  I smugly thought I was so well adjusted.  Hah!  I waited until when they left after Christmas and spring breaks, knowing they were looking forward to returning to their exciting lives with friends I don't know. Those visits were so short and fleeting that we didn't get the family routine going again.  It was just wrenching dropping them off at the airport.  Thankfully I've got them for 6 weeks this summer, so we've had more time to be a family again, to enjoy each other's company.  

 

I also have my college graduate back close by instead of on the other side of the continent.  It will be nice to be a 90 minute drive away instead of an all day flight!

 

[Jane in NC]

The thing that has astounded me on this journey of The Boy to College Boy is how he is no longer a "Boy" at all but a "Man". Jaws dropped when I shared a photo he sent from Britain with relatives on this side of the pond. The teenager is gone. Physically and emotionally.

 

There is much to celebrate as I marvel on where his path is taking him. Yet not everyone has smooth transitions. I send best wishes to all as they launch their emerging adults!

[Guest]

I still inwardly snort and giggle whenever I have to refer to my 21 year old, who is a Combat Engineer in the National Guard and Target Security in civilian life, as a "rational adult", but it continues to amaze me how much he really is. He is my local adult child, who fell aslep on my couch a few minutes ago.

 

The nights I have all of them sleeping safe and sound under my roof have become increasingly rare, but I can't even begin to describe the sense of peace it brings and how well I sleep.

 

None of my adult kids have exactly had an easy transition, but there are things to love about fledgelings, just as there are things to love about newborns and two year olds and teenagers.

 

Please be kind to one another and continue to enjoy the journey.