So a friend and I were talking about this...

[saraha]

How would you feel/react to your son showing up to pick up a girl for a date to find her father sitting on the porch cleaning a gun? Father was nice and polite, but laid out some ground rules for the date before they could leave.

[Tammyla]

I've never really considerd that scenario, but I've always told my two to never approach someone with a gun; personally, I would consider the man dangerous.

[ktgrok]

Well....lets just say I have a feeling any boy picking up my daughter may very well find out how that feels. My DH has already said he plans to have his guns out, cleaning them, when dates some over.

 

If I were the guy I'd find it funny, but also cautionary :)

[Hot Lava Mama]

Uhm.  Well, unless I (and my son) knew the father, and knew he was joking and that was his sense of humor, I would suggest my son run as fast as he can away from that girl!  Take into account that I have always "joked" about doing this when my daughters start to date (although perhaps seeing "Mom" do this would not have quite the impact as "Dad")!

 

I respect the fact that the father wanted some ground rules for dating his daughter, applaud him even.  But the gun image is too much.  That tells me father might be a little off the deep end.  I am not against guns by any stretch of the mind.  However, unless I lived in an area in which guns were a regular part of life (think Alaska, etc.), then his actions were over the top.

 

Your son needs to start understanding now that when you eventually marry a person, you marry the whole family.  Having a father that might jump off the deep end makes life difficult.  Not that your son is even close to getting married, but why start something with someone if there are already problems.

 

Just my initial reaction.  It may be wrong, but that was my gut feeling.

Hot Lava Mama

[AlmiraGulch]

I wouldn't think anything of it, except that the father was probably one of those guys who always said "I'll be waiting on the porch with my gun when a date arrives to pick her up...."

 

It's all for show.

[freeindeed]

My hubby plans to do this. ;)

[City Mouse]

My DH, who is a police officer, and his fellow police officer friends used to joke about doing just that. I don't think any of them actually did it though.

[saraha]

Just to be clear, this wasn't my son, it was a friends.

 

As the boy's parent, would you say/do anything in this scenario? I know it is joked about and there is a country song (maybe more than one?) to this affect, but would you involve yourself, or let the boy figure it out?

[Starr]

"I respect the fact that the father wanted some ground rules for dating his daughter, applaud him even.  But the gun image is too much.  That tells me father might be a little off the deep end.  I am not against guns by any stretch of the mind.  However, unless I lived in an area in which guns were a regular part of life (think Alaska, etc.), then his actions were over the top."

 

 

 

My dating days started in Alaska and I never knew of a dad that did this.

[Guest submarines]

Huh? Is it like a ritual or something?

[marbel]

Maybe he was just back from doing some target shooting? 

 

Honestly, I don't know how I'd feel.  Maybe I'm naive or just stupid, but I always assumed when our kids started dating one-on-one, we would have some sort of acquaintance with the parents and thus everyone would feel comfortable about the date.   I would expect the parents to be pleasant to my kid and "ground rules" set out in advance of the date. 

 

I wouldn't want to attribute any dark motives to the dad.  Maybe it was a joke.  Maybe he really just was happening to be cleaning his guns.  On the other hand, maybe he's crazy.

 

I would not want my husband to do that when someone came for our daughter.

[Caroline]

I would tell my son to leave. He doesn't need to get involved with a girl whose dad threatens to kill him.

[jessicalb]

Just to be clear, this wasn't my son, it was a friends.

 

As the boy's parent, would you say/do anything in this scenario? I know it is joked about and there is a country song (maybe more than one?) to this affect, but would you involve yourself, or let the boy figure it out?

 

I would tell the boy that if it were me I'd meet the date at the mall or someplace else in the future, never again in a place where someone could easily pull a gun, and to be aware that he might be getting involved with a person with a kind of scary family member.

[LucyStoner]

That I'd somehow accidentally stepped through a portal into a bad country song?  

 

It's a pretty cliche joke.  If it was a coincidence, it is funny.  If the dad was trying to make a point, it's a lame and rather retrograde one.  

[twoxcell]

 

I've never really consider that scenario, but I've always told my two to never approach someone with a gun; personally, I would consider the man dangerous.

:iagree: I always thought that was a joke and never thought someone would actually do that. I'm totally fine with rules but an actual gun is taking it a bit too far. ;)

[twoxcell]

 

That I'd somehow accidentally stepped through a portal into a bad country song?  

 

It's a pretty cliche joke.  If it was a coincidence, it is funny.  If the dad was trying to make a point, it's a lame and rather retrograde one.

I would have been so mad if my dad did something like that, but my dad has never owned a gun and is totally non violent. lol

[Hot Lava Mama]

"I respect the fact that the father wanted some ground rules for dating his daughter, applaud him even.  But the gun image is too much.  That tells me father might be a little off the deep end.  I am not against guns by any stretch of the mind.  However, unless I lived in an area in which guns were a regular part of life (think Alaska, etc.), then his actions were over the top."

 

 

 

My dating days started in Alaska and I never knew of a dad that did this.

 

Sorry.  I don't mean to disparage Alaska, by any means!  I was just trying to give an example of a location in which guns don't have the same connotation that they do in some other locations.  I am in California, and guns are seen as "evil" by many people here.  I was merely pointing out the differences in how the current culture for that place views things! 

Hot Lava Mama

[Sisyphus]

I think it's kind of funny that someone would actually do it, like the joke. I'd think he had a good sense of humor, not that he was threatening to kill my son.

[saraha]

This is the first time I have actually heard of someone doing it.

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

I personally would think the Dad has been listening to too much country music. I'd also suggest my son reconsider who he was dating. Being even "jokingly" threatened by the gun's presence isn't funny imo.  I don't think he was cleaning the gun because it was a convenient time, he was doing it because the boy was coming to pick up his daughter.

[Donna]

My father was cleaning his gun when my dh came to pick me up for our first date. He(dh) kept coming back so it must not have bothered him too much. Keeping a gun clean is part of responsible gun ownership.

[MollyAnn]

I have heard this joke many times, but never heard of someone actually doing it.

 

I grew up with a father who was an a$$hole to any person that I brought over or picked me up. He never had a gun in his hands, but he might as well have had with how mean he was. I warned everyone what to expect. If my son hadn't been warned that this was a possibility I would tell him to assume it was a joke but proceed with caution. If at anytime he felt truly threatened to get out of there as fast as he could.

Knowing my son, he would run up to the porch and start a conversation about firearms and delay leaving an hour because he was so caught up with the conversation.

[Danestress]

I don't have a problem with gun ownership, but I think men who do this are generally making an implied threat - you hurt my daughter, I will kill you.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Nobody cleans loaded guns.  

[dirty ethel rackham]

I would tell my son to run.  We live in suburbia, so cleaning a gun on the front porch would definitely be odd around here.  If the father felt he needed a gun as a prop for intimidation purposes, I would think he was compensating for something and would be worried.  That said, my dad always seemed to be in the process of putting away a baseball bat whenever my dates came to pick me up (he didn't play any more.)  "Be home be eleven, right?"  I was always home before 11 and didn't get too many 2nd dates in high school.  My dad was an intimidating guy to begin with - he really didn't need the baseball bat prop.  I resented him for this at the time. 

[mom31257]

I think I'd advise my son not to date the girl. I know it's not her fault, but any family that's going to pull a stunt like that could be hard to deal with if something serious did happen.

[K&Rs Mom]

I would tell the boy that if it were me I'd meet the date at the mall or someplace else in the future, never again in a place where someone could easily pull a gun, and to be aware that he might be getting involved with a person with a kind of scary family member.

 

 

I think you'd be surprised how many people you already spend time with have and/or carry guns - that doesn't make them scary.  

 

And anyone who does have and/or carry a gun will periodically need to clean it.  Sometimes outdoors, whether to avoid fumes from cleaning solvents or just because it's a nice day.  

 

There's nothing in the OP to indicate the dad was threatening in any way, and the presence of an unloaded gun is no different than any other tool.  Would everyone be saying "run away" if the dad was reorganizing his sawblades in the garage, or chef-dad was in the kitchen sharpening knives?  Granted, none of that is what you do when you know company is expected, so there's certainly a chance he was acting out that cliche/stunt, but until the boy or boy's parents get to know this dad a little better there's no reason to assume he's crazy or dangerous.

 

[saraha]

I kind of waited to see what kind of responses others had. I personally think it was a stunt, just to get the boys attention and send a warning that he is an involved father, so behave yourself. I would tell my son to keep an eye out for other weird behavior, but would give the dad the benefit of the doubt. For now. The other mother felt like this was real trouble and thinks that if he pulls this kind of thing again, she may call the police.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I kind of waited to see what kind of responses others had. I personally think it was a stunt, just to get the boys attention and send a warning that he is an involved father, so behave yourself. I would tell my son to keep an eye out for other weird behavior, but would give the dad the benefit of the doubt. For now. The other mother felt like this was real trouble and thinks that if he pulls this kind of thing again, she may call the police.

Talk about an over-reaction.  If she and her son are so afraid of honest people (since I assume that she isn't allowing her son to date the daughter of a felon) who are cleaning a legally obtained and owned gun, then he should not date someone in that family.  

[gardenmom5]

so, no application to date his daughter?  there are at least two making the rounds on the internet.

 

it's not nearly the same as the line from clueless where the father tells the boy he has a 22 and a shovel and no one will miss him.

[hillfarm]

Most of the boys my dd knows, she met at the local shooting sports club. She would be mad at dh for doing this, but only because it is likely that her date would start chatting with dh about the gun, then they'd move on to how it shoots, and before you know it, the date would be off and everyone would be out in the field shooting tin cans off fence rails.

 

I agree with the pp that we would already know the boys my dd would date, prior to the time they asked her out. We live in a very rural area, so the first date can often involve long distances and rough roads. I wouldn't trust my dd to go out with anyone that I hadn't already met and determined to be a reliable guy. So in that case, he would already know that dd and dh shoot competitively and that we have lots of guns. If that bothered him, I assume he would not bother to ask her out.

 

It does surprise me to see how accepted it is to stereotype gun owners and to cast aspersions upon us. I thought we were supposed to be tolerant of those who hold differing beliefs and never reactionary and judgemental. Apparently I am wrong.

[ThisIsTheDay]

My son would sit down on the porch, discuss guns, and finagle an invite to go shooting.

 

I think much of this depends on where you live in this country.  I would be shocked if my own dd would even date a guy who'd be adverse to guns. 

[LucyStoner]

Same here.  I'd assume the dad was in a gang or something.

 

Well except I live in urbia...hehe..

 

Yeah, I have definitely spent more time living in places where dude with gun on a porch is more likely to be a dealer and/or gang member than a law abiding gun owning person who just takes good care of his weapon.  It would be totally out of the ordinary and remarkable to see someone just hanging on their porch cleaning a gun around here.  

[HRAAB]

First of all, we own guns.

 

Guns are not a joke.  They are deadly serious.  I would not appreciate it at all.  What he is insinuating - even in a joking manner - is not funny.  You don't joke around about shooting people.  A father is able to get across his expectations loudly and clearly with using a gun as a prop.

 

Honestly, I've never known anyone who seriously did this, and I know many gun owners.

[myfunnybunch]

My reaction would depend on where we lived and my son's feelings about the interaction with the dad.

 

In my neighborhood, it would be an odd behavior, most likely either a threat or a stunt.

 

Where I grew up, or where my father lives now, I'd assume the dad had been out shooting and was cleaning his gun because it needed to be cleaned.

 

I'd expect a dad to lay out ground rules for a date no matter what he was cleaning on the porch, and wouldn't necessarily connect the two unless the father did. I'd ask my son if he was uncomfortable with it.

[chiguirre]

It does surprise me to see how accepted it is to stereotype gun owners and to cast aspersions upon us. I thought we were supposed to be tolerant of those who hold differing beliefs and never reactionary and judgemental. Apparently I am wrong.

This isn't about gun ownership. It's about a dad who thought it was a good idea to great his dd's first date with a belligerent display. I can't imagine that he didn't know that his dd was going out and what time the guy was picking her up. I'd have the same feeling about the chef sharpening knives. It's not a great idea to physically intimidate someone, but doing it to a teenager isn't showing mature judgment. I'd advise my son to stay far away from the father.

[Wabi Sabi]

Most of the boys my dd knows, she met at the local shooting sports club. She would be mad at dh for doing this, but only because it is likely that her date would start chatting with dh about the gun, then they'd move on to how it shoots, and before you know it, the date would be off and everyone would be out in the field shooting tin cans off fence rails.

 

I agree with the pp that we would already know the boys my dd would date, prior to the time they asked her out. We live in a very rural area, so the first date can often involve long distances and rough roads. I wouldn't trust my dd to go out with anyone that I hadn't already met and determined to be a reliable guy. So in that case, he would already know that dd and dh shoot competitively and that we have lots of guns. If that bothered him, I assume he would not bother to ask her out.

 

It does surprise me to see how accepted it is to stereotype gun owners and to cast aspersions upon us. I thought we were supposed to be tolerant of those who hold differing beliefs and never reactionary and judgemental. Apparently I am wrong.

Let's be real.

 

This has nothing to do with "casting aspersions" onto gun owners as a group. It's about an adult who feels as though it is appropriate to intimidate his daughter's date. This particular situation involved a gun as a prop, but it could have just as easily been some other veiled physical threat, and I suspect that many people's reaction here would be the same.

[Moxie]

I would tell him Dad is an overprotective quack and to pick a different girl. And we are gun owners!

[Rosie_0801]

I'd guess the guy doesn't want his daughter dating wimps.

[jessicalb]

 

 

I think you'd be surprised how many people you already spend time with have and/or carry guns - that doesn't make them scary.  

 

And anyone who does have and/or carry a gun will periodically need to clean it.  Sometimes outdoors, whether to avoid fumes from cleaning solvents or just because it's a nice day.  

 

There's nothing in the OP to indicate the dad was threatening in any way, and the presence of an unloaded gun is no different than any other tool.  Would everyone be saying "run away" if the dad was reorganizing his sawblades in the garage, or chef-dad was in the kitchen sharpening knives?  Granted, none of that is what you do when you know company is expected, so there's certainly a chance he was acting out that cliche/stunt, but until the boy or boy's parents get to know this dad a little better there's no reason to assume he's crazy or dangerous.

 

 

We go shooting for fun. We take shooting classes. I know the difference between people who are rational and safe about guns and people who are a little bit crazy with their weapons. Context is key, and in this case the threat is cleary implied by the context. I'm not interested in interfacing with families where gun ownership is used to intimidate or even be funny.

[Guest inoubliable]

I'd think the father was a nutter. 
And, to be honest, I'd be insulted that someone else's parent felt that I had parented my child in such a way that a passive-aggressive threat against any shenanigans was warranted. 
I'd be surprised if my child decided to continue to date the girl.

[musicianmom]

This is a real country song, believe it or not. And now it's stuck in my head. Thanks, Hive.

[Guest]

How would you feel/react to your son showing up to pick up a girl for a date to find her father sitting on the porch cleaning a gun? Father was nice and polite, but laid out some ground rules for the date before they could leave.

 

I guess I am not drawing from the above OP that the dad was insinuating anything. I have that Dad. He is in charge of multiple gun clubs and everytime we go over there he is essentially doing the same exact thing. Based on the given information, I would not make any assumptions. He could be my dad and completely harmless. I respect that he laid out ground rules. I think that's much better than the dads who could care less or don't know who their daughter is dating. He could be psycho! Who knows? I don't know the setting of this situation. I would think, that when the time comes, I would like to know the other family and then go from there. From the given information, freaking out is not my first reaction. Had I been a fly on the wall, I could feel different.

 

ETA: I have two teenage sisters, and I can assure you this has happened to boys that come over to my parents house.

[beaners]

My husband has joked about it, but I can't imagine him actually doing it.  The father might think he's funny or showing that he cares about his daughter, but if someone did that to one of my sons (soooo hypothetical, of course) either my husband or I would tell the father to knock it off. I can't imagine calling the police unless I thought the father was on drugs or something, mostly because I can't see them doing anything.

[DarlaS]

How would you feel/react to your son showing up to pick up a girl for a date to find her father sitting on the porch cleaning a gun? Father was nice and polite, but laid out some ground rules for the date before they could leave.

My son target shoots and hunts. He'd probably give the gun an admiring glance and ask the dad if he could help clean it.

[Photo Ninja]

My sons would check out the gun and get into a conversation about firearms and shooting. My sons wouldn't feel threatened because they know how to safely use and clean a gun, and are aware that one doesn't clean a loaded firearm. My sons would most likely think the dad had been out hunting or target shooting before they arrived because one cleans a gun that has recently been used. No big deal.

 

Now if the gun was being used in a threatening or dangerous manner, my sons would respond differently. It depends on how it is being handled and whether or not it was obviously unloaded. 

 

I have to say that my dd has been concerned that this would happen to her, having either dh or one of her brothers cleaning one when her date arrived. But in our case, it would be a legitimate cleaning, not a veiled message - probably. 

 

To be honest, my ds passed the 'boyfriend test' when he started dating his girlfriend (soon to become fiance). Her family asked him if he shoots, and he does. It seems that she once had a boyfriend who didn't shoot and was not interested in firearms at all, so that one did not pass the boyfriend test. They are a rural family, and often target shoot, trap shoot and hunt. Someone opposed to guns would not fit in well with the family. Fortunately, my ds proved he fits right in. But I know there are strong feelings on all sides of the issue. 

[marbel]

I kind of waited to see what kind of responses others had. I personally think it was a stunt, just to get the boys attention and send a warning that he is an involved father, so behave yourself. I would tell my son to keep an eye out for other weird behavior, but would give the dad the benefit of the doubt. For now. The other mother felt like this was real trouble and thinks that if he pulls this kind of thing again, she may call the police.

 

On what basis?   What law did he break?

 

If the mother thinks there is potential trouble she should tell her son to stop dating the daughter.  Or, she could invite the whole family over for a bbq to meet and chat and get to know each other.  Maybe she'd find that he's just a guy cleaning his gun.  (Or she may find out something else, but at least she'd know.)

 

[Jean in Newcastle]

My sons would check out the gun and get into a conversation about firearms and shooting. My sons wouldn't feel threatened because they know how to safely use and clean a gun, and are aware that one doesn't clean a loaded firearm.

My son might be a bit nervous meeting the father, but he would want to stop to talk to the father anyway.  And he would understand the father wanting to be reassured about his own character.  Unless the father were to give other indications that were threatening, he would absolutely not take this as threatening or abusive or any other negative adjective that you could attach to it.  In fact, he might bring up the country song and say "Have you heard the song about the daughter going on a date while the father was cleaning his gun?"  But he would not see cleaning a gun as ensuring his good behavior or character or for that matter, the good behavior and character of the girl.  

[twoxcell]

 

There's nothing in the OP to indicate the dad was threatening in any way, and the presence of an unloaded gun is no different than any other tool.  Would everyone be saying "run away" if the dad was reorganizing his sawblades in the garage, or chef-dad was in the kitchen sharpening knives?  Granted, none of that is what you do when you know company is expected, so there's certainly a chance he was acting out that cliche/stunt, but until the boy or boy's parents get to know this dad a little better there's no reason to assume he's crazy or dangerous.

 

Sure if someone just happened to drop by unannounced then I don't think it would be a big deal at all, but to be cleaning a gun right out in the open when he knows a date is coming over seems staged to me. I have no problem in general with gun owners. ;)

[Supertechmom]

Regardless of what the dad said or did, the gun out was a threat and it was meant to be taken that way.   I've seen all the date applications and gun things floating around FB and the only ones who seem to pass it around are the Ham and Gothard followers. My kids probably would have left or been asked to leave cause I can not imagine WTH "laying ground rules" means. And if it is what I think......they would not have taken kindly to a lecture from some dude being so disrespectful as to be busy with a chore the very first time they were being introduced like this.  That is a lack of manners. Many times later, yeah..... certainly no problem to be doing something, guy walks in says Hi, maybe even pitches in, but the first time???

 

I can remember one time when my father was changing the oil in the car with my brother and had no clue (or had forgotten ) that my date was coming over. He was so mad at me for letting that guy meet him for the first time when he was dirty and couldn't even shake hands.  He said to never let such a thing happen again as that was just rude.  I cannot even wrap my head around the idea that you would be busy the first time you meet someone new who is purposefully on a set time coming over to your house.  WTH???? You can't stop your life for 30 mins to hang around and wait on a person who is going to arrive at such a time to take your daughter out??? My dad always carried on with my dates, talked to them, asked them about their cars, the engines, the weather, college, jobs whatever.  He treated them with respect and made them feel welcome, even the long haired punk rocker with a dog collar.  ( my rocker phase :laugh: )  When a few became regular, they often would would arrive to find everyone busy doing something but everyone always stopped to shout out hey and make them feel welcome.... But "ground rules"  :confused1:   My parents would throw out a "be home around such and such and have fun" as we were leaving.  What else is there to say??