I'm so bored with my life right now.

[KungFuPanda]

More mid-life crisis stuff from this corner of the Hive. I'm so restless, it's ridiculous. I wanted more kids, but it's time to give up on that fruitless dream. So, I do, but it also leaves me feeling like I'm so stuck in a rut with nothing much to look forward to (in the near future). I wish I could move somewhere else, or at least travel extensively, but neither of those things are practical for now. Maybe I should stop watching House Hunters International. Anyone know where I'm coming from?

  

 

Be at my house at 5 p.m. I have a brand new class of beginners who are learning to bellydance. :-) If the commute to MD is too much, maybe you should try to ind something new and fascinating to do for a decade until grandchildren come along. Is there something you want to learn . . . pastry chef classes, cabinet making, photography? Could you host an exchange student? Or take on a daycare child? Or find some sort of teaching gig for the preschool or elementary set . . . perhaps teach some sort of parks and recs class? I'm suggesting projects with kids because you seem to have an urge to teach and nurture and an energy that could be beneficial to so many kids. I'll bet you could do a themed kids' camp from conception to execution if you set your mind to it. Honestly, when people look back on their lives, they don't only remember their parents, but also the teachers and mentors that have really made a difference.

 

 

You could get a puppy.

Don't do it! If you do this the way you feel now, and put all of your energy into it, you'll become one of those annoying ladies who carries her dog in a purse to the grocery store. You will hand stitch matching outfits for you and the dog and we will be forced to have snarky threads about your eccentricities.

[Guest]

Ha! Thanks for all the thoughts and contributions. I can't quote them all, so I'll just try and parce together different thoughts.

 

First: the quick part - I do NOT want a puppy. Not remotely. I have a dog, two cats and six chickens. Animals do not fulfill the longing I have. I already know that. I love my dog, cats and chickens, but that is not 1/100th as satisfying as raising a child. Only a person who is another intimate member of my family for the long, long-term feels satisfying.

 

Second: races or other activities. I have BTDT. I started running last year and ran races. I exercise regularly and work out. Dh cannot run with me because of injuries he incurred racing motocross. Kayaking is something we have discovered a love for and we're working on getting enough kayaks that we can all kayak together. Right now, we have a single-person kayak, which is fun, but obviously, solitary. Hiking is another thing we all love to do - and we do hike. It's nice. But I can't do it every day. Or even lots and lots of days.

 

Gardening: I garden for food and a little bit for flowers. I'm pretty proficient with it. Right now I have enough squash to feed the countryside! ;) I do love gardening and I love having food come from seemingly nothing to something that is nourishing and healthy. This is also why I'm very happy to have the chickens.

 

Depression: Yes, I have discussed this with my dr. I am on medication. It mostly helps, but I suppose not all things can just be drugged away, kwim? The major difference is that I hardly cry ever. But that doesn't mean I'm not sad.

 

Grandkids: Yeah, I know one day I can assume there will be grandkids and I'm sure it will be cool when we get there, but that still seems way into the future. It's the shorter-term future that is bugging me, like within the next 5 years. Plus, with a 16-year-old daughter, one doesn't want to wish too fervently for grandkids, yk? ;)

 

I don't have difficulty imagining the far-future, such as post-retirement. By then, assuming we have our health, we could feasibly buy an RV and travel the country for a year. Or yearS. There's really nothing to prevent us doing that *once earning money is no longer necessary*. I just feel like I don't want to wait, or that I wish we could arrange a way to do that (or something smaller, but similar) now. I can't, though. Dh needs to be predominantly here; he is a business owner. And I am his secretary. I go to college in the winter and spring. My dd goes to b&m school. It's difficult for any of us to be away from here for more than a week, at least throughout the school year. Even in the summer, dh doesn't feel he could be away for more than a week. (I know I'm rambling now. I sound whiny, even to me.)

 

I do realize my kids still need a lot from me and I feel fortunate that I can give it to them. I guess I just really like the things that younger kids need more. I like reading "So Many Bunnies" to a 3-year-old much more than trying to explain a topic sentence to a 13 year old.

 

I don't really know what my problem is. By all accounts I should be deliriously happy. Like a previous poster, I feel like I can zero in on specific eras of my life when I was deliriously happy. I was happy until I was 12. Then I was happy from 19-33. I'm 42 now and I haven't been all that happy since.

[Jenny in Florida]

Oh yes.

 

I spend most of my days feeling more like an appliance than a member of a family. Basically, there are all of these things I'm supposed to do, but no one really notices me or speaks to me until or unless I quit working for some reason.

 

I did get a dog four years ago, and I adore her. She's my best friend, improved the quality of my life immeasurably. However, because we really and truly need some extra money, I'm now working part-time, which means I have to leave her three days a week. I miss her while I'm gone. She's miserable to the point of refusing to relieve herself if someone other than me takes her outside. It takes her a couple of days after I've worked to forgive me and settle back into her regular routine . . . at which point it's about time for me to go to work again. And we haven't even begun to cope with the fact that my son is scheduled to start dual enrollment at the local community college in August. And because he's under 16, I have to stay on campus while he's in class, meaning I will now have to leave the dog home for an additional few hours a day on the four days a week I don't work.

 

Meanwhile, at home, my husband is having to help out with the driving and a few of the other tasks I would normally do on the days I work, which is taking a toll on him, physically. (He has chronic back pain from an old injury that makes driving and some other tasks tough.) For the first time this Friday, we have encountered a conflict related to my work schedule that will genuinely prevent my son from attending a fun social event he's been looking forward to for a few weeks. We can't fix it. There's no way around it. I feel like I'm letting him down by not being available to drive him where he wants to go and like I would be letting down the whole family by cutting back my work hours (and thus my paycheck) in order to be more available. I don't like the job I have (boring retail) but have no real driving ambition to do anything different. The only job about which I could get even marginally excited would be something that would allow me to earn a decent paycheck while not having to leave my dog behind.

 

My husband is unhappy because, just as I feel like an appliance, he says he feels like a wallet. (He's not entirely unjustified.) So, the whole atmosphere at home is pretty dismal.

 

I hate that the last few years I'll have with my kids at home are passing in this way, and that the only way the situation eases is for them to move out and move on, because I will miss them. I've always spoken bravely about how to goal of good parenting is to make oneself obsolete, but now that I'm actually facing the results of my hard work toward that goal, I almost wish I hadn't been so good at it.

 

I feel like I need to do something big to shake up my life, something brave and dramatic and meaningful . . . or at least different. But, to be brutally honest, there isn't anything I want to do badly enough to be willing to make the sacrifices necessary to make it happen.

 

So, yes, I definitely relate.

[Parrothead]

Honestly Quill, I don't think we are meant to be deliriously happy all the time. Probably not even part of the time. That just isn't what life is about.

 

From a song I love I heard on the trip south this morning:

 

Some people never find it

Some... only pretend, but me:

I just want to live happily ever after every now and then

 

There are times, probably many times that the averag person is discontented and unfulfilled. It doesn't have to be for always and it doesn't have to be for long periods. But we have to muddle through as best we can. What's the saying? Fake it, till you make it. At times that is all we can do.

 

Good luck in finding what you need.

[Rosie_0801]

I'm very curious.  What is a refugee centre?  I've never heard of anything like that.

I can only give you the link to the one in our capital city: http://www.asrc.org.au

 

I've never been involved with that asylum seeker resource centre I linked so all I know is what is on the site, but I have had a little bit of contact with one of the refugee centres in one of the regional towns. I don't know if the latter had anything to do with asylum seekers, but they helped refugees, the Karen in our town and the Sudanese in the next town, learn to navigate life here. That could be everything from using a Western toilet, learning to shop, dealing with social security, getting mammograms. They provided support for the running of cultural events, they ran a playgroup which we attended, provided some transport and some English lessons for the mammas who couldn't attend the official classes. They had some homework help for the kids, computers for use and a couple of couches so the teens from the school across the road had somewhere "theirs" to sit a bit. They did a lot of good work on the funding they received. Funding allows programs to be developed, but without staff, particularly the volunteers, not so much gets done.

 

So no, not Australian for homeless shelter. :)

[katilac]

<snip> And we haven't even begun to cope with the fact that my son is scheduled to start dual enrollment at the local community college in August. And because he's under 16, I have to stay on campus while he's in class, meaning I will now have to leave the dog home for an additional few hours a day on the four days a week I don't work.

 

<snip> For the first time this Friday, we have encountered a conflict related to my work schedule that will genuinely prevent my son from attending a fun social event he's been looking forward to for a few weeks. We can't fix it. There's no way around it. <snip>

I know these aren't the only or even the biggest issues, but they might be easier to fix.

 

Regarding the dog, are you sure you won't be able to bring him? I'm assuming that 'on campus' means exactly that, and not 'in class' with ds. There are dogs all over our local campuses. It means having to stay outside, but at least you would have company!

 

For the social event, can he take a taxi? It's an expense, but possibly not much more than gas for driving him back and forth. Maybe you and ds could split the cost. Taxis are often a lot less expensive than people think they will be, and if you call, they should be able to give you a good estimate.

[caitlinsmom]

I'm right there with you.  In my attempt to shake things up last week I redecorated most of the house.  It was great while it lasted but now its just eh.  I would love more kids.  In fact we were licensed for foster care a couple of months ago and have been talking about adoption.  I would love to add more to our family but I have this horrible feeling dh is going along with it because he knows I want it.  Kind of took the wind outta my sails.  So now I avoid all talk of adoption plans and the children waiting sites until we can talk about it all.

 

I feel so restless, like there is something more waiting (Which I am sure there is) but I am to dense to see it.  Not one for patience, I want it here now so that this feeling inside can subside again. 

 

:grouphug:  I understand how it feels.

 

 

[SunnyDays]

It seems there are a lot of us in the same shoes. I don't know if that should make us feel better or worse. :grouphug:

 

Deep down, I think we all want something interesting and meaningful, but it's not always an easy time trying to figure out what that is. I do think it helps to talk with other women about it... As great as the men may be, and heaven knows they go through their own mid life stuff, I'm not sure they really "get" the whole "desperately seeking" thing that so many women experience. DH is well meaning, but wants to shut down discussion by quickly "fixing" my problems, LOL.

 

Jenny, I get what you mean about feeling like an appliance... Although lately for me it's been more chauffeur and social secretary.

[Guest]

I can only give you the link to the one in our capital city: http://www.asrc.org.au

 

I've never been involved with that asylum seeker resource centre I linked so all I know is what is on the site, but I have had a little bit of contact with one of the refugee centres in one of the regional towns. I don't know if the latter had anything to do with asylum seekers, but they helped refugees, the Karen in our town and the Sudanese in the next town, learn to navigate life here. That could be everything from using a Western toilet, learning to shop, dealing with social security, getting mammograms. They provided support for the running of cultural events, they ran a playgroup which we attended, provided some transport and some English lessons for the mammas who couldn't attend the official classes. They had some homework help for the kids, computers for use and a couple of couches so the teens from the school across the road had somewhere "theirs" to sit a bit. They did a lot of good work on the funding they received. Funding allows programs to be developed, but without staff, particularly the volunteers, not so much gets done.

 

So no, not Australian for homeless shelter. :)

I do find this fascinating. I took an Anthropology class last summer at college and we spent a lot of time focusing on Sudanese refugees who had been "transplanted" to the US. I did think it would be interesting to help them assimilate. I have no idea if there are refugee centers in this area. One would think so, as I am near D.C. (the capital), but I haven't seen any such thing or heard about anyone helping in this capacity. Might be worth trying to find out, though.

[Guest]

It seems there are a lot of us in the same shoes. I don't know if that should make us feel better or worse. :grouphug:

 

Deep down, I think we all want something interesting and meaningful, but it's not always an easy time trying to figure out what that is. I do think it helps to talk with other women about it... As great as the men may be, and heaven knows they go through their own mid life stuff, I'm not sure they really "get" the whole "desperately seeking" thing that so many women experience. DH is well meaning, but wants to shut down discussion by quickly "fixing" my problems, LOL.

 

Jenny, I get what you mean about feeling like an appliance... Although lately for me it's been more chauffeur and social secretary.

True. Is it an Occupational Hazard of being a homeschooling mother? ;) And I agree about husbands. Dh has trouble enough of his own. He has pointed out to me before, in frustration, that I have it good. Lovely house, wonderful children, good food to eat, reasonably good health, etc. I do think he tends to interpret it as an inadequacy on his part if I'm not content. Not sure why he doesn't conclude that I'm just a chronic malcontent. ;)

[Jenny in Florida]

I know these aren't the only or even the biggest issues, but they might be easier to fix.

 

Regarding the dog, are you sure you won't be able to bring him? I'm assuming that 'on campus' means exactly that, and not 'in class' with ds. There are dogs all over our local campuses. It means having to stay outside, but at least you would have company!

 

For the social event, can he take a taxi? It's an expense, but possibly not much more than gas for driving him back and forth. Maybe you and ds could split the cost. Taxis are often a lot less expensive than people think they will be, and if you call, they should be able to give you a good estimate.

Thanks, but, no, I cannot take her with me. I don't just have to be "on campus." I have to escort him to and from each class, and the dog cannot go where I need to go in order to do that.

 

And tonight's event is about 25 miles from our house. So, it would actually cost quite a lot to send him in a taxi. One website I found estimates $46 one way. That is more than I will make working this shift. We did discuss sending him on a bus to a location close enough to my husband's office that he could be picked up from there and taken to the event, but he hasn't ridden our city busses before, and that route would require two transfers and at least three hours, and we're just not comfortable having him to do that for the first time on his own.

 

Thank you, though.

[sparrow]

I do find this fascinating. I took an Anthropology class last summer at college and we spent a lot of time focusing on Sudanese refugees who had been "transplanted" to the US. I did think it would be interesting to help them assimilate. I have no idea if there are refugee centers in this area. One would think so, as I am near D.C. (the capital), but I haven't seen any such thing or heard about anyone helping in this capacity. Might be worth trying to find out, though.

 

Not trying to badger you on the literacy tutoring, but depending on where you are, many of the people getting tutoring are getting it for English as a second language (ESL). That actually surprised me.

 

This is the group that I contacted when we lived in Ann Arbor, MI:

 

http://washtenawliteracy.org/

 

Looking at it, I'm getting interested again and will need to look for something local.  Thanks for the thoughtful discussion that lead me to look into literacy tutoring again :) .

[Marylou]

:grouphug: Sounds like you might be a good volunteer for something like Kids Hope.   http://www.kidshopeusa.org/What/How_KHUSA_Works/

 

I'm sorry you are feeling low.

[katilac]

Thanks, but, no, I cannot take her with me. I don't just have to be "on campus." I have to escort him to and from each class, and the dog cannot go where I need to go in order to do that.

That is nuts! If they deem you ready for community college classes, it's not a big stretch to assume you can get yourself to and from classes.

 

You have my sympathy!

[Jenny in Florida]

That is nuts! If they deem you ready for community college classes, it's not a big stretch to assume you can get yourself to and from classes.

 

You have my sympathy!

It's just for a few months, until he turns 16. In general, the policy is that students have to be 16 in order to dual enroll. They made an exception for him, but having me escort him to and from classes is one of the stipulations.

 

It is kind of silly. He did a dance intensive on the same campus this summer and was allowed to move freely about the campus without any adult supervision. I think the assumption was that he and the other high schoolers would be sort of isolated within the dance department, but that wasn't how it worked out in practice. So, I do think the requirement that he have an escort during the academic year is a little over the top. But it's a small price to pay to get him access to the classes he wants to take.

[Chris in VA]

I think you are in mourning. You are mourning, perhaps, the part of your life when you felt lots of good things--like being needed and being capable of meeting those needs, being a little person's "world", etc.Sometimes the problems of threes seem easier to help solve than the problems of twelves, iykwim.

 

I think you need to fully mourn what is a real loss. Then you will be able to embrace your todays.

 

Tons of hugs, tons of encouragement.

[Jann in TX]

I was getting a similar feeling last year.  I was very restless.  So I decided to do something for me and I ran away from home... well not really, but I did sign up for a month long mission trip to Uganda.  I was concerned about leaving youngest dd behind but she ended up being 'farmed' out to grandparents and an aunt and was gone only 3 days less that I was!

 

The month went by so quickly for me.  I was surrounded by beautiful children (they were already adopted by the children's home I worked at-- so DH had no worries) and I had LOTS to do!

I also had one month without cooking, cleaning, parenting and TV with only very limited internet.  Quite the change for me.  It was REFRESHING! (but it was NOT a vacation!)

 

I've been back 3 weeks now and I've been back at work the past 2 (teaching summer school)-- I'm still processing my trip (It was AWESOME). My family has noticed that my overall attitude has improved-- and I've noticed it too!

 

Now I must admit that DH, along with oldest and youngest dds, tagged along on my previous trip to Uganda-- so they knew exactly where I was (in a comfortable hotel, eating well, surrounded by amazing people and witnessing absolute poverty). 

 

I vote for finding an activity or a cause that you can get lost in-- something that takes your mind off of yourself and benefits others too.

 

 

[Nestof3]

I'm sorry you feel this way. I'm usually so tired at the end of the day that I don't have the energy to do anything but curl up and watch a show. Working out has been intense, then school planning, ancestry research I'm trying to do over the summer, and finishing up last year's school. Truly, I don't know how anyone gets it all done. There are so many more things I wish I had time and energy for regarding my boys. And, it would be so much nicer if they were easier.

 

I do sometimes long for something new or have nostalgic moments remembering good friends and new relationships. I do sometimes really miss my old best friend, but with us both married, I don't talk too often to him.