Celebrating a baby under less than ideal conditions?

[T'smom]

I have a teenage relative who is pregnant. We've never really been close and she lives several states away, but I would like to show her support. She recently found out the gender of the baby and I would like to send a present and a card and I'd like to write something that is supportive and celebratory, but I'm not sure how? I guess I'm wondering if I acknowledge the circumstances surrounding the birth? I don't feel like I should say "congratulations" exactly.....but I don't know what to say. Any advice would be appreciated.

[indigomama]

Of course you can say "congratulations", and "you're sending a gift/card to celebrate the new baby", because babies are something to be celebrated and excited about, no matter the circumstances of their birth.

 

I am a Christian, I believe babies should come after marriage, etc, etc however, I was born way before my parents married, to a very poor mother, and I loved growing up knowing I wasn't a sin or mistake or problem. I still enjoy looking at photos of my pregnant mom at a baby shower for me, and I still love reading the cards family and friends sent welcoming me into this world, and celebrating me.

 

Sorry for venting...

[school17777]

What about a gift cert for maternity clothes and/or instead of something for the baby? You could send a gift card to Target telling her to pick something out a maternity outfit out for herself. If she doesn't need it that, then she can pick something out for the baby.

 

What's done is done as far as the baby coming and she would be probably be happy for someone to acknowledge her baby.

[Whereneverever]

A new baby should always be congratulated. I wouldn't mention the circumstances around conception. I would express your happiness about the baby and send a gift, if you want.

 

You could say something like, "Congratulations! I heard you are expecting a baby. A baby is a wonderful blessing."

[happi duck]

I think you can proceed as you would with any pregnancy.

 

The only circumstance that would give me pause is if the baby will be adopted. I'd still want to do something but "congratulations " wouldn't seem right, kwim?

[FaithManor]

My niece has a little girl, soon to be three, outside of marriage and it wasn't ideal, but that little girl is such a blessing to our family and that is the way all babies should be welcomed. Not their fault how they got there and goodness knows, mom doesn't need anyone to remind her of her circumstances because she's reminded of it every.single.day. through the reality of life. We cannot imagine life without little grand niece.

 

So, say "Congratulations", and "Best Wishes", and "Much Love", and "Hope to see a photo soon", and "I had so much fun shopping for these clothes!"

 

 

[T'smom]

She is keeping the baby. I never said the baby was a mistake or whatever. I believe all babies should be celebrated and that's what I want to do. I just thought maybe the wording should be a little different. The family is not happy at all, but they are very supportive and she's not in need of any material things. I want to buy a present because I want to celebrate the baby, not because she's in need of something.

[regentrude]

I would find it terribly tacky if the wording of the congratulations in any way included a reference to the circumstances of the conception you consider less than ideal. She is keeping the baby, so it should be welcomed into the world without any ifs or buts or disclaimers. She most likely knows fully well the extent of her circumstances and does not need to be reminded.

 

[OnTheBrink]

I think "congratulations" is completely appropriate. There's no need to even touch on the circumstances of the conception. A gift is a lovely gesture of support. Maybe say something like, "Congratulations on the baby! Babies are a blessing and a gift! Love, Cousin/Aunt/Relative T'smom"

[Starr]

I wouldn't over worry this. Just send the thoughtful gift and a congrats or happy baby card. You're very sweet and I'm sure she'll appreciate it. Even if others are having a hard time coming to grips with this she is feeling pregnant and already knows she's a mom.

[kwickimom]

of course you say Congrats and treat her like you would any other human being about to have a baby. Whats done is done and there is no reason to treat her like her baby is any less welcome than any other baby on this planet. 

 

My 18 year old sister is about to have a baby  and I have been nothing but ecstatic that I am going to be an aunt. My sister is going to have a tough enough time dealing with a baby and people being mean about it and treating her badly- as someone who loves her and sees past a mistake I do nothing but love and support her and celebrate this baby. 

[lynn]

I gave my niece the "What to Expect books" and some board books for her baby.   Her baby and my dd are best of friends and close in age so I was able to pass on a lot of clothes to her.   a simple "congratulations and send lots of pictures" would be nice.  

[StephanieZ]

I agree that a baby gift is appropriate and wonderful. Since you say her financial circumstances are ok, I would get something cute and useful . . . Same kind of thing I get for most babies. Celebrate the baby, support the momma, and that is all you need to do. Keep the card simple and positive. If in doubt, stick with a preprinted baby card signed simply, just as you would for any other baby.

[Rosie_0801]

"Welcome to the world, Baby!" and some good picture books. Preferably good picture books a mamma can read over three times in a row without wanting to dig her eyes out. This may not be promoting healthy eating habits, but the story is lovely and the illustrations are delicious! http://www.amazon.com/Chocolate-Cat-Anne-Mortimer/dp/1840115769 I can read Marianne Berkes' books over and over if I have to, too.

[Mergath]

She is keeping the baby. I never said the baby was a mistake or whatever. I believe all babies should be celebrated and that's what I want to do. I just thought maybe the wording should be a little different. The family is not happy at all, but they are very supportive and she's not in need of any material things. I want to buy a present because I want to celebrate the baby, not because she's in need of something.

 

If the family is that unhappy, the girl could probably use a little joy and congratulations.  I wouldn't word the card any differently.  I mean, how could you even word it differently without being really mean about it?  "Well, it's not ideal but try to make the best of it"?  And for the gift, pick out the same sorts of things you would for any pregnant woman.

[Stellalarella]

many years ago I put my arms around a friend who found herself pregnant in a very difficult situation.  I celebrated the new life and just talked about how children are a gift from the Lord.  Years later she told me how much that meant.  

[Kari C in SC]

I had my son when I was 16 and unmarried. My now husband was 17 at the time. My mom didn't invite my two aunts to the shower because they thought it was innappropriate for me to have a shower. I shrugged it off and enjoyed my shower. Fast forward a few years, one of my aunts grew very close to my son. My other aunt passed away. So remaining aunt realized that all babies are gifts to be celebrated. When my son passed away, this same aunt flew from Illinois to Florida despite her poor health to be there when he was laid to rest. I only had 21 years with my sweet boy that some had called a mistake. God does not make mistakes. He makes beautiful people.

[momto10blessings]

I agree with everyone- no need to change words or watch what you say. Tell her congrats and that you wish them both the best.

 

As for the gift, a target gift card would be perfect. If you want to send something more personalized, I'd recommend books, or something besides clothes. I always get a ton of clothes and babies grow so fast that I never use all of them.

[T'smom]

many years ago I put my arms around a friend who found herself pregnant in a very difficult situation. I celebrated the new life and just talked about how children are a gift from the Lord. Years later she told me how much that meant.

This is what I am talking about. I wanted advice on saying something to her that would be meaningful. A congratulations and a cute outfit seem superficial. I just sat down to write her a note and had a hard time putting into words what i wanted to convey, which is certainly along the lines of "every baby is a blessing" I would never treat her badly in any way and I am not passing judgement on her at all. There has been no talk of a shower or anything celebratory at all. If there was, i would certainly have sent something. Nobody has to convince me to not say something mean. I would never do that. I was trying to think of something meaningful and supportive. Something that showed I truly cared about her and the baby, not something trite.

 

When I was expecting my first and freaking out, my mom told me that the only thing my baby needed was for me to love him. I wanted to share that bit of advice and say something about this baby being God's plan....but it wasn't coming out right. I thought the hive would have good advice.

[Audrey]

I think "Best Wishes" or "With Love" are always well received sentiments.  When I am not sure how to word something, I go with one of those -- whichever one suits my relationship with the person best.

[Guest]

If the family is that unhappy, the girl could probably use a little joy and congratulations.  I wouldn't word the card any differently.  I mean, how could you even word it differently without being really mean about it?  "Well, it's not ideal but try to make the best of it"?  And for the gift, pick out the same sorts of things you would for any pregnant woman.

 

Amen.  

 

She already knows that she hasn't made the best choices, and she has something that will remind her of that every day.  She also has something that will most likely make her grow up real quick, and that she will fall in love with the minute she sees him/her.  Regardless of what anyone else thinks about her situation, it is what it is now, and she needs support now.  

[Julie Smith]

I would do my typical first gift present. "The Read Aloud Handbook" (They just came out with the 7th edition) and some board books. 

[Mergath]

This is what I am talking about. I wanted advice on saying something to her that would be meaningful. A congratulations and a cute outfit seem superficial. I just sat down to write her a note and had a hard time putting into words what i wanted to convey, which is certainly along the lines of "every baby is a blessing" I would never treat her badly in any way and I am not passing judgement on her at all. There has been no talk of a shower or anything celebratory at all. If there was, i would certainly have sent something. Nobody has to convince me to not say something mean. I would never do that. I was trying to think of something meaningful and supportive. Something that showed I truly cared about her and the baby, not something trite.

 

When I was expecting my first and freaking out, my mom told me that the only thing my baby needed was for me to love him. I wanted to share that bit of advice and say something about this baby being God's plan....but it wasn't coming out right. I thought the hive would have good advice.

 

I think you're overthinking it.  I also think treating her like any other expectant mother, and not like some special case, would be nice.  Certainly, be encouraging, but don't go overboard in pointing how how her baby isn't a bad thing, because it'll probably be really obvious and only make her feel ostracized even more.  I'd leave out the bit about it being God's plan unless she's an extremely devout Christian.  People normally only say that in tragic situations, and you don't really want that association here, I'm guessing.  That's probably part of why it wasn't coming out right.

 

If you want to go beyond congratulations, you could add something like, "First babies can be a handful!  Please let me know if there's anything I can do to help you out."  You can acknowledge it's a difficult situation that way, but it's something you'd say to any first-time mom no matter what her situation.

[ktgrok]

many years ago I put my arms around a friend who found herself pregnant in a very difficult situation.  I celebrated the new life and just talked about how children are a gift from the Lord.  Years later she told me how much that meant.

I had a friend come to my office and tell me she was pregnant. She wasn't married, and there were no plans for a wedding. I jumped up, ran around my desk, and gave her a big hug yelling, "Congratulations!" She started crying and said I was the first person to tell her that. Broke my heart. The ONLY appropriate thing to say is Congratulations..so feel free to do so. (oh, and she is married now, lol)

[Whereneverever]

Instead of outfits what about some sweet board books and a note about how you loved them with your babies and thought she would love them, too? Something like Goodnight Moon?

 

Fwiw I think you sound very caring wanting to make things nice for her.

[myfunnybunch]

Please write exactly what you would write to any expectant mother. :)

 

Even if the circumstances aren't ideal, there is a little one on the way. It will be most helpful and meaningful and supportive if you behave just as you would with any other mom-to-be.

 

And I pray that she doesn't look at that sweet baby every day and think of him (her?) as a reminder of not making the best choices. (Not from your post, OP, but eek.)

 

My adult unmarried sister said that the most amazing responses she got to her unexpected pregnancy announcement came from my dad, who said, "Well, wonderful! That'll make fourteen. I can't wait." (Fourteen grandchildren.) He left the discussions of how he could help and of life circumstances for later. To have it treated like any other pregnancy was such a blessing to her.

 

Cat

[happypamama]

Yep, I would just say, "Congratulations!" Maybe something like "Congratulations on your new blessing!" She's going to have people who are negative toward her and her baby, unfortunately, but as Kari said, God doesn't make mistakes; He makes beautiful people, and maybe seeing it in writing will give her a pick-me-up on days that someone puts down her baby. I think by saying something like "blessing," you're just celebrating a new baby, regardless of the circumstances, but it may mean a lot ot her to see it, kwim?

[Mommyof4ks]

I agree, congratulations is totally in order. I would also mention what a blessing babies are and anything else you would want this little one to read as he/she grows up. The gifts and cards are more about the baby than the mom, and the cards will certainly be read by the child at a later date.

[MusicMama]

My sister went to a babyshower for a young, unwed mother.  My sister, who was the same age, gave her a large, fluffy robe.  The girl broke down in tears, and said that was the first gift that she had been given that was for her.  She had felt ostracized.  I think that even though she may be making choices that you would not condone, you should celebrate the life that is coming into the world and the transition from girl to mother.  So any thoughful gift would do, I do think you would need to over analyze.

[swellmomma]

My family was against my pregnancy with my first 3.  My nana and aunt planned my baby shower with my 1st because my mom was so angry with me for going through with the pregnancy.  There was a lot of whispers between my mom and other aunts there, it was very hard to go through, and I rarely speak to those aunts anymore.  That said the best gift I received was from my then best friend's mother, from the age of 11-18 I practically lived at their home, she saw me grow up and was a huge support.  She knew the circumstances of the pregnancy were not ideal but she was so good about it.  She and my friend worked together to sew me a diaper bag using the pattern used in her family to give for every baby to be in their family.  They also gave me a baby book to fill out with all of his details as he grew up, and said every baby needs those memories saved showing how much they are loved.  They were the only ones that truly celebrated the birth of my oldest son. 

In the end I had my 2nd then married their father.  SO while the circumstances weren't ideal they weren't worthy of bs from my family.

Either send the card and/or gift with a heartfelt congratualtions or don't send it at all.  Because getting gifts from family who only did so because they felt an obligation to rather than real job at the impending birth of my son was very hurtful, more so than if they had never bothered in the first place.  That hurt over that still can get stirred up, and ds is turning 15 in 6 weeks.  Even with all of his issues he was worthy of every bit of celebration then that he would have been if he was born after my wedding day.

 

[T'smom]

My family was against my pregnancy with my first 3. My nana and aunt planned my baby shower with my 1st because my mom was so angry with me for going through with the pregnancy. There was a lot of whispers between my mom and other aunts there, it was very hard to go through, and I rarely speak to those aunts anymore. That said the best gift I received was from my then best friend's mother, from the age of 11-18 I practically lived at their home, she saw me grow up and was a huge support. She knew the circumstances of the pregnancy were not ideal but she was so good about it. She and my friend worked together to sew me a diaper bag using the pattern used in her family to give for every baby to be in their family. They also gave me a baby book to fill out with all of his details as he grew up, and said every baby needs those memories saved showing how much they are loved. They were the only ones that truly celebrated the birth of my oldest son.

 

In the end I had my 2nd then married their father. SO while the circumstances weren't ideal they weren't worthy of bs from my family.

 

Either send the card and/or gift with a heartfelt congratualtions or don't send it at all. Because getting gifts from family who only did so because they felt an obligation to rather than real job at the impending birth of my son was very hurtful, more so than if they had never bothered in the first place. That hurt over that still can get stirred up, and ds is turning 15 in 6 weeks. Even with all of his issues he was worthy of every bit of celebration then that he would have been if he was born after my wedding day.

 

 

If I have been so inarticulate that you think I'm doing this out of a sense of obligation then I don't know what else to say.

 

Other people seem to think the "not ideal circumstances" means simply that she's not married. I actually has more todo with being 14 years old.

[swellmomma]

I didn't say YOU were doing it out of obligation, but that my family members did and I knew it and it hurt and still does, so IF that was in your feelings at all not to bother.  Now yes you did say teenage relative but I took that to be 17-19 years old, not ideal but at least out of high school or close to being out of high school, not just starting.

For a 14 yr old, I would give a gift of my favorite parenting books with a card about how much they helped me be the best parent I could be.  Specifically books by Sears would be included for sure.  I would include a note that anytime she had questions about what to do she could call me, especially if her own mother is not happy about the baby (more than disappointed, but of the type to say you made your bed you lay in it, rather than give help and support like she would have if the baby was born a decade later), things like colic, diaper rash, developmental milestones, nursing, illness etc are not things she would know anything about.  They freak out moms 10+ years her senior who have had experience with babysitting etc.  That way it still celebrates the upcoming birth of the baby and help her grow into that role of being a mother a little better.

If you feel you can not write the word congratulations you can write "Becoming a mom is the hardest, most challenging yet most rewarding role you will ever have.  These parenting books, helped me over the challenges to be the best mom I could be, and I hope they can do the same for you and your new bundle of joy.  If you ever have any questions about what to do when it gets challenging or confusing, just give me a call.  Us moms have to stick together when it comes to raising our little blessings.  If you want to include a cute outfit, or other needed item that is great too.

It helps welcome her into the "mom club", makes the birth and gift a positive one without celebrating the circumstance nor discounting the blessing the baby itself is.  And as a bonus will help this very young mom jump from childhood to parenthood a little more smoothly I hope.

 

[SKL]

I always treat every new baby in the family equally, which has never gotten me in trouble so far, LOL.  If "congatulations" seems likely to stir the pot just now, I'd go with "best wishes for you and your little blessing" or some such, though once the baby is born, it's "congratulations" for sure.

 

As far as a gift, one thought is to open an education fund for the baby once s/he is born.

[Delirium]

I think she might get enough flack about her less than ideal conditions, or at least one glare in a grocery store. I also feel pretty confident that she'd appreciate a simple "Congrats!" over a cleverly worded disapproving acceptance. Not that I think that's what you were going for.

[marbel]

Don't acknowledge the circumstances of the birth.  Unless she's completely clueless, she knows.  Most likely many people have made sure she knows.  Just offer love and support with no commentary.  

 

You mentioned saying something about God's plan.  Rather than that, I'd say something like "I'll be praying for you and the baby" - if you will. And then do that!   I admit that I get a little prickly whenever I hear someone talking about God's plan for me.  (I am a Christian and I believe in God's plans, etc.  But more often than not it comes off as a meaningless platitude, no matter how well-meant.  Hope you kwim and are not offended.)