Middle school age social challenges

[laundrycrisis]

Our oldest is 10 and going into 5th grade this fall. He has reached the point of wanting only to do classes or activities in which there are absolutely no early elementary aged kids.

 

I totally get it. He's sick of everything he is involved in feeling like a little kid activity. He's reached his tweens. He's ready for a more mature social circle.

 

I do not know how to find this for him in our homeschooling community. The only age-specific things I can find for homeschoolers all have a religious affiliation. The inclusive homeschool social groups do not seem to have active members with boys his age.

 

I am on the edge of wanting to just send him to middle school. I know it's not a sure answer to his social frustrations - but I don't want him to start to resent his education over a lack of social contact with older kids.

 

He has a serious challenge with writing. I could possibly spend his 5th grade year with a huge focus on getting him more functional with writing, and then perhaps get him into a small charter school in the area for 6th grade and see how it goes for him.

 

If I can't find a solution to his need for more time with older kids, I don't see how I can keep him home beyond next year, even though I don't think school would be a good fit for him academically. It's a tough situation to be in.

[PachiSusan]

How about a community thing like Boy Scouts, or 4H, or maybe even a sport?

[PachiSusan]

We don't do Boy Scouts. We tried 4H..no go. And sports? If you haven't gotten into sports by this point, forget about it.

 

Not trying to be a wet blanket here, just saying I totally understand the challenges.

 

I think it'll just get better/easier when they get older. For now it's just awkward and challenging sometimes.

 

I'm lucky for now. I have a girl who likes younger things and hanging with the kids who do fun crafts! LOL

[laundrycrisis]

He is very involved in baseball. This has provided some social time, but mostly they work hard...it has created acquaintances, but not friends. I looked into 4H but I just don't understand how the groups work - they seem weirdly organized - and they only meet about "business" stuff, then everyone goes and works on their projects alone, so it doesn't seem like a social group. Scouts seem to be quite religious, and to take place in the evenings and on weekends...I am really looking for a school daytime activity.

 

I don't think he would like school at all, but I think he would love the "immersion" into the culture of kids his own age. That is something I just haven't been able to give him from home. And I have my own huge reservations about peer culture. But I see he has a need that is going unmet :(

 

I would like to clarify that we have no problem whatsoever with anyone else's faith, and no problem being around a religious environment......but many people seem to be uncomfortable that we choose to "freestyle" on matters of faith. I think it's been a barrier to relationships at times and I find this very sad.

[laundrycrisis]

I am sure I wouldn't like the peer culture. I'm frustrated that the homeschool activities all seem to be so saturated with younger kids....so they don't feel to him like he is getting what he wants from them.

[dirty ethel rackham]

Is there something he is interested in? Can you start a club around an interest and limit the ages for him? I have started clubs around science, history, books, and my kids have joined clubs about robotics, rocketry. I've always been of the philosophy of "if you build it, they will come" to fill a need for my kids. I didn't have to be very good at any of these things, but I ran with their interests and sought input from the kids and other parents.

[MrsH]

I was thinking the same thing as Ethel above. Our homeschool group does a games day at the library once a week. Maybe you try to get some kids his age to come, letting parents know that younger/older siblings are welcome as well. Then the bigger kids can play big kid games while the littles play simpler games.

 

Or something else that interests him...

 

I do share your frustration at many points. It's hard at this age, and hard to make new friends!

[Farrar]

I also agree with the "if you build it, they will come," attitude. What about doing a First Robotics team, or a Destination Imagination or Odyssey of the Mind team, or a team to do the Future City competition? I think when you run something organized like that, people tend to want to join. And DI and OM in particular are great for forging good bonds between kids.

 

Of course, it's not always that simple. It's one of my great fears that we'll get to middle school and everyone will head to brick and mortar schools since that is a real phenomenon.

[Mandy in TN]

I just today posted about the social situation with my 10yo in the social group Home-Educating an Only. My son likes people of all ages, but as far as repeatedly hanging out with someone he isn't even interested in other 10yos.

 

It's hard. The little man doesn't typically care to hang out with other 10yo boys. He handles a park day fine. He can run with the pack, but doesn't gave any real desire to develop relationships with them. 

 

He would rather hang out at Games Workshop with mostly adults. He is currently playing in a Warhammer Fantasy League where the next youngest player is about 15yo. There are a couple of 18/19yo, but most of the players are in their 20s.

 

His best friend is a 13yo girl that he has known since he was a toddler. I have no idea how that will pan out as she becomes an older teen.

 

Occasionally, maybe once every 3 or 4 months, he will hang out with the kids on the street, but I think he is just at a loss with them- very little common ground.

 

Anyway, this is where we are now. Chicago has a Battle Bunker if your son is interested in Warhammer. Another option may be Magic Cards. These will work best if your child is comfortable around teens and young adults. If he can hold his own with that age group, check it out.

Mandy

 

[dragonflyer]

I have a slightly different perspective, I only have littles now, but grew up homeschooled. I remember 5th and 6th grade being a difficult transition time. I remember crying over the older kid activities that I just was not old enough for yet. And yet it passed. That seems a bit trite, but two years was not enough to make or break me socially. I had a activities (including sports) that I did with people my own age, and no really close friends.

Other than the "if you build it they will come" solution, or sending him to school, it may also pay to consider a "this too shall pass" mentality. Perhaps now is the time to focus on making his "mind a pleasant place to spend one's leisure" -Sydney Harris.

Not very encouraging, but you will find the best solution for your son.

[laundrycrisis]

Here is the deal - they have never been to school. I have been somewhat active in the homeschool community since he was 3 years old, so 7 yrs now. I am even the current owner of a homeschool group that I took over for the previous owner. I have put a lot of time and effort into "building it", helped run a twice-monthly "fun co-op" for two academic years, and also participated for 2 yrs in a different co-op that already existed....and these efforts have never produced local friends that we can see frequently just to hang out with. The local friends he has are the ones we have known since he was a baby, from the nursing support group that grew into a playgroup that ended up with several people homeschooling. And those friends are very good friends - but he wants more. He wants to take classes that feel serious, with challenging material, and no "little kids". His co-op class last year was a huge disappointment because the rest of the class was pretty young, and the teacher adapted it to that age group. He finished the year but I could tell it really bothered him. He is ready for big-kid stuff, with more than 2 or 3 long-time friends. I think he wants opportunities to work out and develop his skills at being in a larger group of peers. He also wants to be challenged academically by someone other than me. I understand - that is an age-appropriate thing for him to want to do. Last year we tried to put together a science class in the homeschool group - it ran for three sessions, and was a pretty big failure because it was more serious that what most of the kids were looking for (but mine really enjoyed it). I am investigating other co-ops, to see what else I can find that does not require a SOF and might tolerate us. I am starting to wonder if classes set up for homeschool groups are just geared to not be challenging enough because they want to make them "fun". I think he is growing up, and he is ready for more serious and challenging endeavors than our local homeschool community has so far been able to provide, both academically and socially. He wants to cut his teeth on stronger stuff.

[Tree Frog]

Here is the deal - they have never been to school. I have been somewhat active in the homeschool community since he was 3 years old, so 7 yrs now. I am even the current owner of a homeschool group that I took over for the previous owner. I have put a lot of time and effort into "building it", helped run a twice-monthly "fun co-op" for two academic years, and also participated for 2 yrs in a different co-op that already existed....and these efforts have never produced local friends that we can see frequently just to hang out with. The local friends he has are the ones we have known since he was a baby, from the nursing support group that grew into a playgroup that ended up with several people homeschooling. And those friends are very good friends - but he wants more. He wants to take classes that feel serious, with challenging material, and no "little kids". His co-op class last year was a huge disappointment because the rest of the class was pretty young, and the teacher adapted it to that age group. He finished the year but I could tell it really bothered him. He is ready for big-kid stuff, with more than 2 or 3 long-time friends. I think he wants opportunities to work out and develop his skills at being in a larger group of peers. He also wants to be challenged academically by someone other than me. I understand - that is an age-appropriate thing for him to want to do. Last year we tried to put together a science class in the homeschool group - it ran for three sessions, and was a pretty big failure because it was more serious that what most of the kids were looking for (but mine really enjoyed it). I am investigating other co-ops, to see what else I can find that does not require a SOF and might tolerate us. I am starting to wonder if classes set up for homeschool groups are just geared to not be challenging enough because they want to make them "fun". I think he is growing up, and he is ready for more serious and challenging endeavors than our local homeschool community has so far been able to provide, both academically and socially. He wants to cut his teeth on stronger stuff.

 

I wonder if finding a mentor, someone who could teach him hands on stuff, might help him with having only a few friends now as well as being challenged by someone other than mom. When my ds was 11, I put him in ps because his dad was deploying, but he and I were butting heads; he was needing a strong male role model. If I had known a man who could have mentored him locally, we might still be homeschooling.

[mrs.m]

Check to see if your 4H club has a robotics team. My DS has made friends that way. He is also in a Scratch programming club. The boys run that on their own though. Moms just rotate hosting it.

[Mandy in TN]

I wouldn't go running to a traditional classroom that must cater to a classroom full of kids looking for an academic challenge. lol (not that there are not academically rigorous group situations, but, generally speaking, if you have a child who is truly desiring something more than what is typically provided, then a group of age level peers isn't usually where he finds it.)

 

I also wouldn't expect a child to have more than a few close friends and can't imagine that changing because he attends a traditional classroom. Those families are just as busy as homeschool families, if not more so, and with all of their activities and their family time don't have the time to be hanging out a lot outside of school.

 

No, I don't believe that it is natural for people to run around in a group where everyone is almost exactly the same age. I don't. My boys don't. We don't ask for an ID to hang out with people.

 

My youngest has exactly 1 person outside of family who he wants to call when something exciting or awful happens in his life. Everyone else is situational: he interacts with them only in the environment where they hang out and he really prefers to hang out with teenagers.

 

It sounds like you want him to try school. It sounds like you think it would be good for him socially and academically. There is nothing wrong with that. You know him best and maybe right now at this point in his life a traditional classroom will be all that and a bag of chips. There is absolutely nothing wrong with giving it a try. ;)

 

HTH-

Mandy

[linders]

We don't do Boy Scouts. We tried 4H..no go. And sports? If you haven't gotten into sports by this point, forget about it.

 

Not trying to be a wet blanket here, just saying I totally understand the challenges.

 

I think it'll just get better/easier when they get older. For now it's just awkward and challenging sometimes.

Re: the sports....I agree that most of the sports seem to require that you have started early (any of the team sports especially). However, I'll plug swim team here as something a late bloomer can do. DS12 learned how to swim the basic strokes but only joined swim team in January 2012. It's an individual sport - you "practice where you are" and improve based on your own effort (and good coaching). Fast forward - DS has done unexpectedly well and his 2 best buddies are now 2 guys on the swim team, both good kids.

[lmrich]

It is a very hard time. If you help run the co op can you create a serious class for him. Maybe studying for the National Mythology exam? Or the literary elements in the Hunger Games or another book geared for Tweens and teens.

[Chris in VA]

Do you have anything like Sharenet in Chicago? Here in the DC area, it's an internet newsletter/list that a couple of homeschooling moms put together. It lists classes and activities over a broad geographical area. Perhaps one of the issues for you WRT your classes is that you need to find more serious students. If you can draw from a larger pool, perhaps you can facilitate a couple of courses that would meet his needs.

 

Although it's just our experience, I'd say there are very few students who want a serious academic class in my dd's public middle school. She's quite respectful and does all her work, etc., but there are limits to the depth of discussions and that sort of thing, first off because the materials they use don't go that deep, and secondly b/c of the kids themselves. There's just such a wide range of maturity and ability in PS that, even in Honors, Middle School is not all ...well, whatever the opposite of fluffy.

 

Is it just academic? Or does he want more social time, with older kids? I've found you have to do the inviting. Dd has been in school three years now, and, though she has plenty of acquaintances, school has not provided the tight friendships that church has--part of it is that there's simply very little time to chat. Even lunch is only twenty-seven minutes from bell to bell.

[Vida Winter]

Perhaps you could try a live online class -- some of them come with plenty of interaction. In high school there will probably be many more classes outside of public school that will be available locally.

[Guest CoralMoore]

Well, i think you should let him talk to other big guys so that he can understand the teen age before he actually gets into it. Talk to him and listen to everything he wants to say. It will help you in understanding your child. Moreover, if you think that he is somewhere wrong then you can make him understand.

[PeterPan]

Here is the deal - they have never been to school. I have been somewhat active in the homeschool community since he was 3 years old, so 7 yrs now. I am even the current owner of a homeschool group that I took over for the previous owner. I have put a lot of time and effort into "building it", helped run a twice-monthly "fun co-op" for two academic years, and also participated for 2 yrs in a different co-op that already existed....and these efforts have never produced local friends that we can see frequently just to hang out with. ... I am starting to wonder if classes set up for homeschool groups are just geared to not be challenging enough because they want to make them "fun". I think he is growing up, and he is ready for more serious and challenging endeavors than our local homeschool community has so far been able to provide, both academically and socially. He wants to cut his teeth on stronger stuff.

 

Maybe it's time to hand the baton of the co-op to someone else...  Might give you the freedom to make some radical changes.  I wouldn't put a kid like that in co-op classes with younger kids.  Yes co-ops end up having the same problems as regular school classes (teaching to the middle or worse, etc.).  And yes the numbers start dropping off as you head into junior high and high school.  

 

Have you looked into competitions and more serious things for him?  If you aren't planning co-op, you'll have that time to put into something more serious.  You could start a First Lego League yourself if there isn't one in your area.  Math Olympiad, National History Day, whatever interests him.  :)

[saraha]

It is a very hard time. If you help run the co op can you create a serious class for him. Maybe studying for the National Mythology exam? Or the literary elements in the Hunger Games or another book geared for Tweens and teens.

So as not to hijack this thread, I started one in the chat room asking aobut the mythology exam. If you could tell me about it, that would be great.

[laundrycrisis]

Thank you all for the support and advice received here. I don't think school is the best solution for him. He has LD issues with writing that would make it very difficult and I think could really end up affecting his confidence in himself. However he is in need of a wider social circle that has a more even balance of ages, and more opportunities to make friends of his own age. So far my contact with our homeschooling community has been extremely tipped to the younger side. He has nothing against visiting and playing with younger kids, but he is done with taking classes or trying to do structured activities with them, and I think it's totally normal for him to want social opportunities with more kids who are not younger than him. His experience so far has not included many kids who are his age and up. I need to find a way to tap into the part of our homeschooling community that includes older kids. I have found one class that is for 11 and up which will only help him this year if they will allow him in at 10, which I will totally understand if they say no, but I am still hoping it might work out because he is ready to be with the big kids.