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Rose in BC

My son found his birthmother on Facebook -- update

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:grouphug: :grouphug:

I don't suppose there is any hope of him visiting her, transferring all the blame to her and coming home to appreciate all you've done for him?

 

I'm sorry you've been put in this difficult predicament. I hope something good will come out of it. :grouphug:

 

 

That's certainly my romanticized version of this story. I don't know. He is really an emotionally challenged boy already. We have tried everything...he refuses everything (counciling, etc) saying that we are his problem. I am hoping he will see how much we love and care for him after this trip but I'm not holding my breath.

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:grouphug: Have been wondering how things were going for you and DS. Hoping that this turns into a positive in some way. And hoping that there is a clear and comfortable plan for purchasing that return ticket.

 

One small thing... very small, and it might not apply, since it is from my experience with a non-RAD kid... DSS would often get crabby and irritable before going to see his biomom. He would misbehave and pick arguments. Our family therapist explained that it was easier to leave mad, than to just leave. Does that make sense? So if DS is irritable and picking arguments, and things are not rosy, that might be part of the reason. For our non-RAD kid, we waited for a moment when he was not upset and talked to him in a general way about it, not really putting the onus on him, but in a general sort of way. He got it pretty quickly, as he was fairly emotionally astute. I'm not sure you have time for that conversation, or that it would be appropriate right now, but thought that it might help you not to take things personally while he is stressed and getting ready to go. He may be trying to create a situation in which leaving is preferable to staying. You probably know that already, though. :)

 

 

Yes I think that is what is happening. That and I honestly think he might be not wanting to go but won't admit that. I told him he could change his mind. "You'd love that, bleep, bleep, bleep," was his response. (RAD is very difficult....when he's raging he curses up a storm ...and neither my dh or I are cursers. It's very hurtful.)

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Oh, Rose. It sounds like you are doing and have done just about everything you can. I have a small hope that his FASD, ODD , and RAD may help him some how resist her manipulation and do what he wants and needs to do.

 

I'm just going to be praying for the two of you. (My heart aches for you guys and worries a bit for my sister who has an adopted little boy with a very troubled birth mom.)

 

Oh it's a bad plan completely opposite to what we wanted to do. We had offered to take him on our summer vacation. Birthmother, in not uncertain terms, said she didn't want that. We have three adopted children, two of them would never go for a plan like this but my ds 15 has attachment disorder and oppositional defiance disorder...we have struggled with him since day one. And he doesn't take ANY advice from us.

 

We have involved social services who have been in contact with birthmother. They will check in with ds once he's there.

 

I don't have to think does she want him to stay, I KNOW she does. She told me (she is bi-polar and schizophrenic) that we've had him 12 years, now it's her turn. My ds says he has no intention of staying longer than a week. I'm not sure what will happen. As soon as he boards plane we'll book return (I still have a small inkling he may not go).

 

Socials services council told us we should let him go. Given his FASD, ODD and RAD they think we'd make things worse(its pretty bad now, not sure how much worse it could be).

 

I am very worried. Believe you me, I understand comments that refer to him being fifteen and that we are his parents so we should have more control of situation. A child with RAD is a whole different ball game. They don't think conventionally and they don't have a normal bond of trust. They do what they want, when they want.

 

I am not happy with situation but we're trying to make the best of it.

 

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That right there tells you she has NO PLANS to send him back, this is not going to look good on you that you allowed him to go with only a 1 way ticket when it ends up in court, it makes it look like you intended for him to go live with his birth family.

 

 

I doubt it will end up in court because she wouldn't have the financial means for a lawsuit. Honestly, she barely has financial means to feed him. But if she did, social services told us that given my ds age, judge would take in to account his wishes.

 

My sister lives within two hours. They will get him at the drop of a hat. I have some business acquaintances in same city who have also offered to help and could respond within minutes and keep him until family arrives.

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Rose,

 

I just prayed for you. May God keep and bless your son and send you His

strength during this difficult time.

 

Hugs

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That's certainly my romanticized version of this story. I don't know. He is really an emotionally challenged boy already. We have tried everything...he refuses everything (counciling, etc) saying that we are his problem. I am hoping he will see how much we love and care for him after this trip but I'm not holding my breath.

 

:grouphug: Remember to breathe, I also hope you are able to get outside of the situation enough to realize his words are not the reality. He's only seeing the thorns of his Rose, don't let his perspective be your reality. It sounds cliche, but we don't appreciate Roses for their thorns, we appreciate them for their beautiful flower.

 

I'll be thinking of you and yours these next few days.

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I share the concerns about your son traveling alone, but I defer to your experience and wisdom in making these very hard decisions.

 

One other possibility would be for you to book a flight to your sister's home immediately after your son gets on the plane. You could be just a few hours or one day behind him. Then visit your sister and be ready to pick up your son and fly home together.

 

((((Hugs)))) and prayers for you and your family while you are going through this harrowing time.

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Not to sound critical, and I hope it doesn't (I've missed the backstory), is there some reason you can't get on that plane with him? I agree that you can't do anything to stop this from happening, but there's also nothing to stop you from being right there at every possible opportunity. If the moment comes when he can't take it, you could be only a hotel room away rather than 2 1/2 hours or across states. At the same time, if I were in your shoes, I might feel ready to step back a bit from a terribly difficult parenting situation and let things unfold however it goes. That'd be completely understandable.

 

Either way, (((hugs))).

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Not to sound critical, and I hope it doesn't (I've missed the backstory), is there some reason you can't get on that plane with him? I agree that you can't do anything to stop this from happening, but there's also nothing to stop you from being right there at every possible opportunity. If the moment comes when he can't take it, you could be only a hotel room away rather than 2 1/2 hours or across states. At the same time, if I were in your shoes, I might feel ready to step back a bit from a terribly difficult parenting situation and let things unfold however it goes. That'd be completely understandable.

 

Either way, (((hugs))).

 

We thought about this but it isn't easy for us to do this a) the flight is around $800 per person, the hotel probably $200 a night (major tourist city), B) our dd is leaving for a youth trip this week too and we need to be here to get her ready for this half way across Canada trip, and c) we have another special needs boy we can't leave home alone and is difficult to travel with.

 

We had offered to drive him there at a bit later date but that wasn't good enough.

 

As it is this will hit us financially because we have to buy the return ticket.

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Earlier today I posted that this was a bad idea, but now I wish I'd just given you a hug. The hug smiley thing doesn't work on the ipad, so this will have to do: (((((Rose)))))))))

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We thought about this but it isn't easy for us to do this a) the flight is around $800 per person, the hotel probably $200 a night (major tourist city), B) our dd is leaving for a youth trip this week too and we need to be here to get her ready for this half way across Canada trip, and c) we have another special needs boy we can't leave home alone and is difficult to travel with.

 

We had offered to drive him there at a bit later date but that wasn't good enough.

 

As it is this will hit us financially because we have to buy the return ticket.

 

It wouldn't be unreasonable at all to insist THEY provide the return ticket BEFORE he leaves. It should not be on you as they are the ones paying to bring him out they should pay to return him. fwiw, I urge you to looking into a condition called Pyroluria and Histadelia (very common with Pyroluria and is a direct known cause of ODD). It sounds like what his mother might have and its genetic, treating that would turn your ODD kid into a sweet loving kid if its the root cause and just might help the RAD thing. I dealt with all that hell until 2 years ago when we found out my dd12 had both, totally different kid now.

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One small thing... very small, and it might not apply, since it is from my experience with a non-RAD kid... DSS would often get crabby and irritable before going to see his biomom. He would misbehave and pick arguments. Our family therapist explained that it was easier to leave mad, than to just leave. Does that make sense? So if DS is irritable and picking arguments, and things are not rosy, that might be part of the reason.

 

Frankly, this is often an issue in military families. The soldier starts separating themselves before a deployment partly by being irritable. The whole family is stressed, etc. I think it is human nature.

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It wouldn't be unreasonable at all to insist THEY provide the return ticket BEFORE he leaves. It should not be on you as they are the ones paying to bring him out they should pay to return him. fwiw, I urge you to looking into a condition called Pyroluria and Histadelia (very common with Pyroluria and is a direct known cause of ODD). It sounds like what his mother might have and its genetic, treating that would turn your ODD kid into a sweet loving kid if its the root cause and just might help the RAD thing. I dealt with all that hell until 2 years ago when we found out my dd12 had both, totally different kid now.

 

Wow I've never heard of this. I will definitely check into this. Thanks.

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Earlier today I posted that this was a bad idea, but now I wish I'd just given you a hug. The hug smiley thing doesn't work on the ipad, so this will have to do: (((((Rose)))))))))

 

Thanks for the hug ...and for what it's worth, you're right. It is a bad idea. Out of our hands. Its actually surreal that something so big is out of our hands.

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Thanks for the hug ...and for what it's worth, you're right. It is a bad idea. Out of our hands. Its actually surreal that something so big is out of our hands.

 

 

This is the part I can't grasp, he's 15 years old, it is not out of your hands unless a judge orders it and no judge in his right mind would do that. I pray that your son decides not to go, I did something similarly stupid at 15 and it effects me to this day.

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This is the part I can't grasp, he's 15 years old, it is not out of your hands unless a judge orders it and no judge in his right mind would do that. I pray that your son decides not to go, I did something similarly stupid at 15 and it effects me to this day.

 

I guess what I mean is we could forbid him from going and then he'd either go anyway (apparently with ID he actually can board plane without our permission,) or he'd stay and be angry with us. And I'm not talking regular teenage anger...I'm talking over board anger that hurts the whole family. We've lived with that for years and won't knowingly put our other children into that circumstance.

 

Reactive attachment disorder is out of this world. If you haven't experienced it first hand you can't imagine it. We have been held hostage by this boy's behavior for over a decade. I can't even believe some of the things we have endured and I was part of it.

 

It's been a journey, that's for sure.

 

 

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What an emotional day. I just said good-bye to my dd who is going on a youth trip for the next two weeks. Of cours that's a great trip for her and we'll see her in a couple of weeks.

 

Next good-bye is ds who leaves in a couple of hours. Who knows the outcome of that trip.

 

Thanks for all the thoughts and prayers. I need them. I'm feeling very overwhelmed. This morning I'm over thinking things...will she think I've taken good care of "our" son? What will he tell her about us? I think I've recounted everyday of our years together, wishing we'd done some things differently.

 

My family is great...all my adult nieces and nephews, along with my sister and her dh are on stand-by.

 

What a crazy day.

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This is the part I can't grasp, he's 15 years old, it is not out of your hands unless a judge orders it and no judge in his right mind would do that. I pray that your son decides not to go, I did something similarly stupid at 15 and it effects me to this day.

You would be surprised at the things that are out of a parents control even though the law seemingly is on said parents side. I don't want to thread jack but my poor dh hasn't had regular visitation with his son for almost two years....from when he was 15.

 

Rose....all I can say is big hugs.

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Thinking of you today. Sending you a big hug, and one for your son too. Hopefully having freedom to leave will help him to see his way back home to the family that loves him and has been there for him.

 

:grouphug: :grouphug:

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What an emotional day. I just said good-bye to my dd who is going on a youth trip for the next two weeks. Of cours that's a great trip for her and we'll see her in a couple of weeks.

 

Next good-bye is ds who leaves in a couple of hours. Who knows the outcome of that trip.

 

Thanks for all the thoughts and prayers. I need them. I'm feeling very overwhelmed. This morning I'm over thinking things...will she think I've taken good care of "our" son? What will he tell her about us? I think I've recounted everyday of our years together, wishing we'd done some things differently.

 

My family is great...all my adult nieces and nephews, along with my sister and her dh are on stand-by.

 

What a crazy day.

 

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Rose,

 

Sending you hugs and praying for your family!

 

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

Anne

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Rose, you've been on my mind today.  I'm hoping and praying for peace and gentle outcome all around.

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I came on here looking for an update. Did he actually get on the plane? Have you heard from him? How are you holding up? Prayed for you again today.

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Hugs. Many prayers for you and your son this week. Ugh. Despite all our fears and planning our kids still run toward the "flames." 

 

Good thinking about getting CPS at the other end involved too. 

 

 

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You're such a brave woman, Rose.  I am praying from VA that your boy will be safe and that, despite the environment and his issues, he will remember all the wise and loving things you and his dad have taught and shown him over the years so he can make healthy and careful decisions.  Hats off to you!

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Yes he did board plane and arrived safely. He said everything is okay. Today social services is supposed to pay a visit and give me an update from their perspective.

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Rose -  I'm thinking of you today.  Parenting is not for wimps! 


 


:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:


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Just...wow. I have been thinking of you since I read your original thread. Praying for you and your son today. Hugs

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Yes he did board plane and arrived safely. He said everything is okay. Today social services is supposed to pay a visit and give me an update from their perspective.

Tons of hugs and love being sent your way.  Prayers of safety and clear eyes for him. 

 

I can't imagine the pain you are going through, but I do agree that you did the best you can for him (and the family) by letting him go.  You are very brave and a good mama to see that this is a journey he needs to take and it would have been done with or without your support.  I am certain, you making this trip possible for him, is the right thing to do. While you continued to offer him and 'out' all along, you allowed him to board the plane and start taking the steps to meet his bio-family. Good, bad, whatever his experience there....you did the right thing by letting him go.  The rage you would have dealt with otherwise, would have been inconceivable and only damaged your family more. 

 

Prayers and positive thoughts for you and yours,

 

~Tap

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