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Rose in BC

My son found his birthmother on Facebook -- update

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I need some serious prayer tonight. My niece called to say my ds is rock bottom, depressed. I believe it. I think he's been suffering from depression at least all his teen years.

 

I am very down about this. And, In my conversation with her I felt a bit like she was implying that some of the choices we made in parenting contribute to his current demise. I know she is exhausted. I mean she has three young children herself. I know she's probably at her wits end.

 

We did the best that we could and it wasn't good enough.

 

Tomorrow she is going to try and take him to dr.

 

I did reconfirm with my niece that she can't save him. That maybe we have to seek out another plan.

 

 

{{hugs}}

 

I know you know the information I am about tot post, but I wanted to remind you.

 

You did NOT create this. If you had any impact at all, it was a mitigating effect - not a contributing one.

 

His BRAIN was changed by trauma. The way in which it was changed sustains the impact through repetitive neural pathways. His impacted brain processes life a certain way, and his mental framework/worldview processess information a certain way. This all reinforces the flawed functioning of a sick brain.

 

His depression and prediliction towards drugs (and likely alcohol) is from a genetic predisposition. His brain trauma (abandonment and the same basis for the RAD) make the substance abuse more likey. You COULD NOT HAVE PARENTED this "out of him."

 

Yes, he's a risky mess. No, you didn't create it or make it worse.

 

It must be very challenging to have some personal safe space with your neice while knowing you need him to stay there.

 

Thinking of you.

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Thinking of you, Rose - hope things smooth out for you guys. Lots of hugs - this isn't about "fault"; this is about what do you do today. Or what does he do today. Ultimately, it is his life.

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I've been thinking of you as well. Thank you so much for the update.

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

And thanks to Stephanie for asking.

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:grouphug: Thank you for the update, I hope you can all continue to heal.

Edited by Ailaena

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Thank you for the update, Rose. All things considered, it sounds like your son is doing much better than he was the last time you posted. :grouphug:

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:grouphug: Thank you for updating after all these years, I've gone though hell with my own teen but we found answers unlike most people, things are still rough but thats more due to Autism then mental illness. Our demon goes by many names including schizophrenia. Joanne was right in more ways then she realized but the demon who causes these issues is a genetic issue called Pyroluria (which he probably got from his birth mom) and is usually accompanied by high free copper levels and either over or under methylation defects. With treatment recovery is possible but its going to take years of conscious choices to undo the patterns he's set himself into. If you ever do have your son want to become a regular part of your life please look into this condition, we go though Mensah Medical and its worth every penny. https://www.mensahmedical.com. My child was only 13 when we heard that dreaded S word but we knew about Pyroluria but were not addressing the copper or overmethylation issue so she became violent and psychotic. She's 16 now and doing great, she's taking college classes even and doing well in school and has been an A/B student since we started treatment 3 years ago and without medication.

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I would never have allowed him to go. She needs to come to him, not the other way around.

 

Sorry I have not read all the updates. But what little I have read sounds like you have been through a lot. 

 

For the record, my birthdad wanted me to visit him years ago. I flew to visit him and turned out, he had Schizophrenia. I went through living hell while there, including being attacked and had a hard time getting out. It was awful. And it was in a bible belt place so when I called the police (this was 25 yrs ago) I got told I needed to do what my daddy said. I was over 18 yrs old and I told them he was not my legal father and they did not care. I managed to escape. And now I just feel sorry for him. But in hindsight, I never should have gone to see him like that. 

Edited by Janeway

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Thanks for the update, Rose.  I'm sorry for all you've had to go through, but thankful that you were able to connect with him in a good way.  I hope that things are working out well for your family in the new location.   :grouphug:

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Wow, I'm glad you were able to see him and that he's doing reasonably well. You and your DH are awesome parents.

 

Thanks for updating us. I have been wondering about your family often throughout the last few years. (Can't believe it's been that long!)

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Good morning everyone. I do have a bit of an update.

 

My last update had my son living with my niece and family. Interesting one of my final posts on this topic talked about my niece implying we were the problem for my son. On Boxing day that year we got a phone call from my niece screaming that my son had gotten into an altercation with her husband (hmm, hmm) and broke her husband's glasses. Well by then six months had passed and honestly we didn't really know what to do. So, i called social services, who's advice we had been taking all along and told them they had to find emergency shelter for my boy (remember he was 1800 km away from us). That turned into months of crazy. We were looking for mental health services for our son social services were trying to wash their hands of situation. (FYI, My niece eventually apologized to me saying she had no idea the seriousness of my son's mental health and that indeed she had thought it was just a parenting conflict.)

 

The problem we had was we knew too much had happened in the six months boy was away from us that made him coming home unsafe for our other children.

 

Anyway, fast forward he's been in a group home for past years, diagnosed with schizophrenia (on top of his former reactive attachment disorder and oppositional defiance disorder). We heard from him occasionally in first year but calls were very traumatic . . . spewing all kinds of vile things at us. The only two "kind" things he every said was "well one thing you were a good cook" and "I shouldn't have gone to meet (birthmother)".

 

That first year after his relationship with my niece ended was horrible. Like a death only we knew he wasn't dead. We kind of knew where he was but he had told social worker not to tell us anything and in our Province kids over the age of 12 have the right to impose those kind of restrictions.

 

Fast forward. . . .9 months ago we left the town i was born in and raised our children. We needed a new start. (Remember aside from the son i'm talking about here, we also have another boy with FASD and a whole host of specialness (but he is well attached). Honestly I can't believe my husband and i are still married through all our stress. Anyway we moved to a community we knew (at least reasonably knew) was less than 2 hours away from where we last knew our son lived.

 

Late November 2016 (two weeks after he turned 19) I received a text "Hi, this is (son's name". I was shocked. Like a big shock to my body. And scared. Like why now was he contacting us after years of no contact. So i responded cautiously. A few texts back and forth followed by a text the next day asking for $10. I almost died. Was he only after money. It was killing me because i wanted to continue the dialogue but my husband and I didn't know anything about him and did not want to set ourselves up as a bank for him. So after a few hours I replied "no to money but next time dad and I are in (his town) we'd be happy to take you out for a meal". So two weeks later we connected with him and invited him out to lunch. We were terrified . . . our families were terrified too but probably for different reasons. But we saw him for the first time in years. My mother's heart wanted to grab and hug him but that didn't happen. We had a pleasant meal. He is quite medicated for his mental health issues (which he readily talked about). He tried to shock us with stories of drug use and other things but we've experienced so many things with our other special child that nothing can shock us . . which actually diffused the situation very quickly. He looks kind of the same. A bit heavier. I noticed things like his nails were dirty but overall he looked pretty good.

 

As we left town, I texted him saying "dad and I were so happy to see you today and would love to take you out again some time." He responded with "cool. okay."

 

And that was the last we've heard from him.

 

I've texted a couple times with no response but he knows how to connect with us so I'll continue to text occasionally but the whole things seems like a dream. . . did it really happen. As bittersweet as the whole thing has been (meeting him) it was SO good to see him and a much better ending than when he got on the plane to connect with his birthmother.

 

So that's my high level update. (FYI the first year after he left was filled with all kinds of drama . . . if my boy only knew how much we advocated for him to make sure he was not homeless and/or hungry. . . )

Oh Rose! Thanks for the update! I have often wondered how things were, but it was such a heartbreaking situation when it all went down, I've been reluctant to ask for an update.

 

You are such an example to me of love stretched beyond what anyone could ask or expect. I am glad you and your family have moved forward into your current circumstances, and wish you a long season of peace and joy.

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Over the years since your son moved, I've often breathed a prayer for your family when I've seen your posts (on whatever subject) here on the forum.  I will continue to do so.  Thanks for the update and your example of loving in such difficult, difficult situations.

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I too have wondered about your family and how things were going. I VERY much admired your care, concern, and focus on the bigger picture and issues as you struggled to help someone who did not want help. You are awesome.

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

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:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

You and your family are often in my thoughts.  

 

I'm so happy to read that you are closer (physically) to him now, and that you've shared that bit of time together.  He knows how to reach out to you again, when the time is right.  The door is open, for love.

 

Your strength and courage through all of this has been inspiring.  I admire your parenting.

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Finally made it through the whole thing and wow!!! You have been through huge nightmares!!! I am so sorry for all you all have been through (((hugs))).

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Finally made it through the whole thing and wow!!! You have been through huge nightmares!!! I am so sorry for all you all have been through (((hugs))).

You should go edit your last post, because it was shockingly unkind.

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Thanks for taking the time to update, Rose. I'm awestruck by your wisdom in navigating his November contact. You go down in my book as a Supermom.

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Thank you for the update.  Every time I see your Avatar I think of you and your situation.  I'm so glad your marriage made it!  I'm glad things are as good as they are.  You're an amazing person and are very much loved here.

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[quote name="Rose in BC" post="7445094"As bittersweet as the whole thing has been (meeting him) it was SO good to see him and a much better ending than when he got on the plane to connect with his birthmother.

 

So that's my high level update. (FYI the first year after he left was filled with all kinds of drama . . . if my boy only knew how much we advocated for him to make sure he was not homeless and/or hungry. . . )

 

Thank you for the update. I remember reading your posts about your son finding his birthmom & wanting to go see her. As bitterweet as it was, I am glad that you had better ending than you did when he left. I'm hoping that your son will contact you again, with a shorter time than it was from the last contact.

 

Based on your post, it sounds like there have been issues with your older son also. I'm sorry to hear that. I hope your daughter is doing well.

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Finally made it through the whole thing and wow!!! You have been through huge nightmares!!! I am so sorry for all you all have been through (((hugs))).

 

 

You should go edit your last post, because it was shockingly unkind.

 

 

Agreed.

 

I also agree.

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I would never have allowed him to go. She needs to come to him, not the other way around.

 

Sorry I have not read all the updates. But what little I have read sounds like you have been through a lot. 

 

For the record, my birthdad wanted me to visit him years ago. I flew to visit him and turned out, he had Schizophrenia. I went through living hell while there, including being attacked and had a hard time getting out. It was awful. And it was in a bible belt place so when I called the police (this was 25 yrs ago) I got told I needed to do what my daddy said. I was over 18 yrs old and I told them he was not my legal father and they did not care. I managed to escape. And now I just feel sorry for him. But in hindsight, I never should have gone to see him like that. 

 

"let him go" is not exactly how it all went down.  He decided to go and was an age where we couldn't stop him.  We also received professional council that advised us not to fight him.  We did not buy him a plane ticket to go so we didn't make it easy for him. Reactive Attachment Disorder means regular parenting techniques don't apply.

 

I can tell you as a parent you can spend a lot of time "would have, could have, should have"ing but the reality is we did the best we could, with the information we had for the circumstances we were presented.

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Thank you all for your kind comments.  My daughter is doing very well although we recently talked about the trauma and stress she endured living with FASD kids.  But she is a wise girl and told me that despite the stress there were many positives learning to live with people who need extra support.

 

We have suffered a lot but I'm glad my husband and I decided to embark on this parenting journey rather than insulate ourselves from the pain that comes with parenting special needs kids.  I mean, we were naive when we adopted our kids but maybe that's okay too.

 

We appreciate all the prayer we've received over the years and know our journey is far from over.

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(((((Rose)))))) Thank you for the update.

 

I can't tell you how often I've thought of you and your family over these years. Your story has stuck with me like none other.

 

I have a dear friend with an adopted (now young adult) child with severe mental illness, and just seeing the lengths they've gone to to fight for what their child needs and to keep her safe . . . and they, too, dealt with the (crazy) birth-mother issues during their kid's teen years . . . They, too, "allowed" their child to go live with the birth mother for a period of time when she was just-barely-a-legal-adult (but still very much a dependent child), and that, too, went disastrously. It was clear at that time, to me, that they had no choice but to allow the contact/relationship, as any other approach would have not only not worked to prevent contact but made everything much worse. It's a heartbreaking situation not to be able to save your child pain. I can't fathom the strength you have had to find to face these catastrophic challenges. 

 

I am sad to learn of all you've gone through, but, again, so amazed and impressed with the strength and courage you and your husband have shown to your son and your family. A parent's love is a miraculously powerful thing, and you've certainly proved that.

 

May the coming years bring peace, healing, and comfort to all of you. 

 

 

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Thank you for updating. I'm another poster that thinks of you often, and I admire your loving perseverance. Your path is a hard one, but you hike it with tremendous grace.

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Hi Rose, 

 

I'm glad you had that happier moment with your son. He may never know how much you have always had his back but that will never change what you know in your heart. Blessings to you and your husband. Be kind and gentle to yourselves.

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You have always been in my heart, Rose.  I'm so glad for the update.  You are a warrior and the mom I wish I had.

Take good care of you.

:grouphug:   :grouphug:  :grouphug:

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I have thought of you often as well and wondered what ever happened with your son. Thank you for taking the time to update us; you are a courageous and loving mother.

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