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Rose in BC

My son found his birthmother on Facebook -- update

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You are still in my prayers. People don't save people, only God can save people, and EVEN THEN, they have to want him to do it. Most people are more afraid of change than they are legitimate danger. It is hard for your ds to imagine changing his thinking, changing what is in his mind. Right now he would rather hold on to his familiar thoughts than have a chance at a good life by seeing things more clearly. Even if those thoughts are poisoning him, they are his thoughts, his old friends. I hope he sees some one good. I will keep praying for your family. 

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Rose, I'm sure you know this... it can take months for a doctor and patient to figure out the best combination and dosage of depression meds.  At least that has been our experience in our family.  It may be something you will need to share with your niece.  :/  There are no magical happy pills.  A combination of cognitive behavioral therapy and medication has been our best success story.

 

:grouphug:  Hugs for you and your family. 

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:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

I hope your son can find it within himself to accept that he needs the help and then accept that help when received.

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

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Praying for peace and comfort for you, that you will feel God's grace.  Praying for courage and strength for your niece and her husband.  And mostly praying for your son, that he will find the correct medication and counsel for his depression, and that he will feel God's peace in his turmoil :(.

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Praying.

 

Please don't take the suggestion your niece is making to heart. As you said, you have done the best you could and just keep telling yourself (and others) that. You are right - your niece has her own family and is probably exhausted. It is all too easy to think that things could/would/should be better if you had done a/b/c. That ship had sailed and there is no point in speculating as to whether or not this is correct. And I DON'T think it is.

 

It sounds as if your son is a master at sucking everything out of those around him who care about him. His RAD causes others to question themselves and others (If only we had done this . . .). The fact that he has gone from your loving home to the failed experiment with BM to the loving home of your niece speaks volumes. He is STILL having problems. This is all on him.

 

I hope this does not cause tensions between you and your niece. It was your son's choice to leave your home and the choice of your niece to take him in. I would humbly like to suggest you listen with sympathy and love but continue to remain neutral. Let them work it out, if it can be worked out. Your niece probably feels frustrated (why isn't our loving, stable home enough?). It is probably easier to think things would have been better if you as parents had done some things differently rather than face the fact that the problems with your son are bigger than she can handle alone. Perhaps she is beginning to realize she might not be able to allow him to stay with her if things don't improve. And that is a sad thought to have.

 

(((Hugs)))

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(((hugs)))  Your niece is likely experiencing the demise of a rescue fantasy as she realizes that she cannot "fix" him.  This causes frustration as people realize their own limits, and they look around (often unconsciously) for someone else to blame.  The alternative is that some things aren't fixable.  I will pray for you.  (((hugs)))

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Thanks everyone. I got some sleep last night but I am still sad this morning. I will talk with my niece this morning to see how things are going today.

 

RAD is such a difficult thing. I mean our eldest son also has FASD but he doesn't have RAD. He is difficult enough (but he is well connected to us which gives us some hope we can work through his issues (or I'm really naive and just hoping).

 

Today is a new day....

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:grouphug:   given what he said on the phone to you at the beginning, this IS an RAD success story.  somewhere in there he knows that you love him, and he knows that he misses you... :grouphug:

 

i hope your niece heard the love and understanding in you when you suggested that looking for another path forward may be necessary....

 

no one promised easy, but my goodness, could it be just a little less hard?  just a little?

 

:grouphug:

ann

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The good thing is that he must realize by now that his problems are not rooted in your home, but are going to follow him until he figures out how to confront them.  I think it's always going to be hard, but hard isn't the end of the world.  I hope he finds the strength within him to fight, sooner rather than later.  Hugs to you and him and all involved.

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Not all that surprising really IMHO. He must be ever so confused. He has now found his biological mother but it was not the perfect situation; he knows he belongs to your family but he may be ambiguous about where his loyalties should lie. Can you arrange a GOOD counselor who is experienced with teens and adoption? This may be a tunnel through which he has to pass to come out stronger on the other end. Definitely arrange for counseling and make him go - after all he is only 15 and he is silently screaming for help.

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As parents It's hard to know if our actions & decisions are right at the time we make them. It's only in looking back that we can see progress. Sometimes its more like peeling an onion, one stinky layer at a time.  Unfortunately it doesn't help us when we're in the middle of a child drama. 

 

Your son HAS made progress. It may not be in the positive yet, but he has figured some relationships/things that have been holding him back. 

 

Letting go, healing, and moving on are all separate steps that HE has to make. 

 

Time and experience will give your niece the insight that you have now. Her hurtful words were from her perspective, not from experience. 

 

You are one of the bravest, toughest, most loving parents I know. I admire that you're willing to let him make decisions because you know he needs the big mess he's made in order to learn how to be at peace with his past.  I hope and pray that when I am in this situation (we have adopted 5 children) that I will be as careful and thoughtful as you have been. Thank you for reminding me that it isn't about how my children make me feel about myself because of their successes or challenges. 

 

Time for some personal TLC so you can take a deep breath before jumping back into it.  :grouphug:

 

 

 

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:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

You and yours are in my prayers Rose.

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Oh, Rose.  I'm so sorry.  We all do the best we can, and that's what you all did.  I have to say that the "it wasn't enough" just made me so sad for you.  I think the truth is that sometimes there are situations in which there is no "enough".  Some things just can't be "fixed" and sometimes all our love is not enough as parents.  Soemtimes, a child's "love bucket" has holes bigger than our ability to pour in love, or wisdom, or counsel.  {{{Rose}}}   be good to yourself.  You all have given everything you had. 

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Not all that surprising really IMHO. He must be ever so confused. He has now found his biological mother but it was not the perfect situation; he knows he belongs to your family but he may be ambiguous about where his loyalties should lie. Can you arrange a GOOD counselor who is experienced with teens and adoption? This may be a tunnel through which he has to pass to come out stronger on the other end. Definitely arrange for counseling and make him go - after all he is only 15 and he is silently screaming for help.

 

Unfortunately, you can't make a 15yo go to counseling.  Counseling only works if the person is willing and wants to change.

 

(((Rose)))  I cannot imagine the heartache.

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Merry Christmas, Rose! Thinking of you and your family. I hope there are at least glimpses of peace. :grouphug:

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