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Rose in BC

My son found his birthmother on Facebook -- update

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I'm so glad he has realized he can't stay there anymore. Moving in with your niece is a step in the right direction.

 

Thanks for keeping us up to date.

 

:grouphug:

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I'm glad that he'll be in a safer environment. I hope that it works out as a bridge without damage to your niece's family. Is there type of residential services that social services offers as a step-down? I do pray for you and your boy.

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She quit her job and said he can provide for her?!  Did I get that right?  Wow.  

 

Glad your ds is going with family!

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So he's settled in with my niece and her family and last night they went to my sister's house for dinner. They sent me a photo. Yay! He looks good.

 

Tomorrow he starts school in another new school.

 

Things were really grim at birthmother's (he has shared with niece). I guess all money went for alcohol and drugs. He told niece there had been no food in house for three days leading up to his departure to my niece's. He also is bitter as he's come to realize birthmom did drink during pregnancy (despite her denial he sees her drinking now and sees the damage his sisters and he have as a result of that drinking.)

 

I don't know how this will work. One day at a time.

 

He turns 16 in November. My dh and I are considering a very brief visit to my sisters so that we can be there on his birthday. Not sure.

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I'm thinking he needed to see that reality. Maybe now he will have a chance to start healing from past scars and embrace the positives that you and your family have brought into his life.

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I am glad he got to see his birthmom for who she really is.  Now more holding her up on a pedestal thinking she is better or whatever.  She showed her true colors to him and it didn't come from you saying it, he needed to see that for himself.  I hope things go well at the new school tomorrow and think a trip to see him for his birthday would be wonderful.  He may not be willing or able to be home right now, but 16 is a big year and he needs to have you there celebrating with him and showing through your actions yet again that you are there for him kwim, it gives that concrete reminder of the difference between you and birth mom.

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Such a painful lesson for him, but a good one.  He needed to see that for himself.   I hope school goes decently, and I hope that if you do go visit it goes well.   :grouphug:  Keep hanging in there.  

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Agreeing with others--he did need to see for himself. What a blessing that your niece is able to provide a safe place for him.  :grouphug:

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Wow.  I feel like you must have heard one huge sigh of relief when you posted the news that he's living at your niece's house now.  That was everyone on this thread being relieved he's in a safe place. 

 

(((HUGS)))

 

Rose you are amazing.  You are parenting a hurt child with love, patience, and compassion. 

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Wow. I feel like you must have heard one huge sigh of relief when you posted the news that he's living at your niece's house now. That was everyone on this thread being relieved he's in a safe place.

 

(((HUGS)))

 

Rose you are amazing. You are parenting a hurt child with love, patience, and compassion.

Yes, this. Another sigh of relief here.

 

Hugs, Rose.

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It's sad that he had to learn that lesson the hard way, but at least he can no longer entertain idealistic fantasies about how wonderful and perfect his birth family must be. Glad to hear he's settling in at your niece's.

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I am glad to see that he learned his lesson.    I am also glad he found a safe home to live at for now.    I think this will be a positive chapter in his life for him if it goes well.   Granted this is not the ideal ending you hoped for (as in back at home with you), I think it is a far better one than if he stayed with his birth mother.   It sounds like the Niece will help him through this situation and accept him into her home. 

 

Basically, internet contact and reunions before the child is 18, cause the mask to fall off birth family and the child sees first hand who they really are and the adopted child has to accept reality.   There is really no fantasy anymore.   If the birth parents are not nice people, or are into drugs, or were physically or mental unable to raise a child, the adopted child ends up seeing first hand.  

Adopted children now have to know and be told the truth about who their birth family really are, including the difficult situations they may face at a much younger age than before.    In the old days before social media, the social workers could tell a young child something like "I am sorry you cannot stay with your birth mother, but she was a very nice person", when in reality this is a way to delay the difficult truth to the child becomes an adult.    Now, Facebook changes that because a child can search at a much younger age, and not being told the truth gives the child a false sense of security.    Children today will have to know the truth starting from a much age, even if it is tragic due to Facebook.  

 

The other important lesson for other parents out there who have adopted children, is to not assume contact pre-18 is impossible and to prepare the child to handle it before it happens, especially in this age of technology.    It may be safer if a child wants to visit a birth parent to do something like set up dinner in a resturant or meet in a coffee shop, where the adoptive parents supervise him/her during the meeting with a birth relative and make sure the child comes home after the visit.    Try to get a sense of who the birth parent actually is, and what the situation they are in is before letting the adopted child travel away to their house.    Adopted children also need to know what recourse methods they have if birth family contact online becomes unwanted or dangerous as well such as blocking it, changing phone numbers or e-mail addresses, moving, or restraining orders. 

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Yes Rose, I always think of Sunday afternoons as time to check for your updates. Hope all is well ad that you have found some personal stress-free time this past week.

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Here's a brief update. He's still with my niece and her family and things are going quite well. She's managed to get him to a dr and a councillor (once) which we couldn't do.

 

He is going to school.

 

His anxiety levels are much higher since being with birth mom. Dr would like to treat this medically. Not sure how that will work (if he'd even take medication).

 

I have limited conversations with him by his choice but because he's with family I'm not nervous about that.

 

I don't know how long this will last but we take one day at a time. I did ask my brother, a social worker, if this possibly could work our for the longer run. He said its possible because he saw the worst at his birth mother's.

 

So that's what's new this week.

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:grouphug:

 

I think it's great that your niece is helping out. Thanks for the update.

Yes I am glad to hear . Thanks for the update. Still keeping you guys in prayers.

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Guest inoubliable

Thanks for the update. Still keeping your family in my thoughts.  :grouphug:

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Just wondering if you've heard anything else from him in the last few weeks. I hope things are continuing to improve with him. :)

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Rose: I don't know how to praise you. I am reading all your posts today and was surprise how well you have taken care off.

I mean, you have under going this big change from so many days.

I really hope the very very best turns to you and your loving son. I am sure he would be back to his mama soon.

 

A big teddy hug to you :grouphug: ..I will definitely pray for you and your family

 

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Thanks for checking in with me. My boy is still with my niece. Yay! My niece has gotten him to a dr, councillor and dentist in the month he's lived with her. We've had practically no contact with him this month (his choice) but my niece connects with me several times a week.

 

Councillor he saw said he has some significant issues to work on. Hopefully he'll got again.

 

My niece is concerned about ds and pot use. I guess his time with birthmother has led to a desire to use. It makes me very sad. She and her husband have some ideas to work through this. And hopefully councillor can address this.

 

Two weeks ago he was suspended from school for one day. He and some classmates left school ground to smoke some weed. A bike patrol police officer drove by, told the kids to get rid of the weed and head back to class. What does my kid do? Argues with cop. So he cuffed him and took his name. The cop then tells my son "oh, I know your mom". My boy is living in a city of 100,000 people, 1500 km's away from us and he runs into a police officer who knows me. Well I hope my boy has learned how small the world is. Officer just took him back to school.

 

He turns 16 next week. We sent a gift. We are planning a family trip to visit at Christmas.

 

I did have one phone conversation with him last Saturday. It was so pleasant. He commented about missing my cooking. He even told me he loved me. We talked about half an hour and I knew in the back of my mind I should hang up while things were good. Must I didn't. And some how (typical RAD) it spiraled downhill quickly. It ended with him telling me how terrible we were as parents.

 

So I'm happy he's with my niece. She is trying to guide him. He seems somewhat responsive.

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I did have one phone conversation with him last Saturday. It was so pleasant. He commented about missing my cooking. He even told me he loved me. We talked about half an hour and I knew in the back of my mind I should hang up while things were good. Must I didn't. And some how (typical RAD) it spiraled downhill quickly. It ended with him telling me how terrible we were as parents.

 

So I'm happy he's with my niece. She is trying to guide him. He seems somewhat responsive.

Rose, you have been so strong and patient through this time. I hope one day your son can truly appreciate the love you have shown him.

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Thank you for the update, Rose. Your story and struggles remind me to be extra patient with people I come into contact with - you just never know what battles folks are facing.

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Thank you for the update, Rose. Your story and struggles remind me to be extra patient with people I come into contact with - you just never know what battles folks are facing.

Susan, thanks for posting this. Honestly, that is one thing I have learned in our journey...you never know people's story. I hope my boys come in contact with many people with your attitude. Oh and thanks for the reminder. Tonight (which is almost every night the same) we had an extra handful of teens crashing our place. We have an open door policy. But, I didn't really feel like the commotion tonight and felt myself get irritated. The truth is, most of the kids here tonight have some big struggles. I have to pray for more patience.

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I need some serious prayer tonight. My niece called to say my ds is rock bottom, depressed. I believe it. I think he's been suffering from depression at least all his teen years.

 

I am very down about this. And, In my conversation with her I felt a bit like she was implying that some of the choices we made in parenting contribute to his current demise. I know she is exhausted. I mean she has three young children herself. I know she's probably at her wits end.

 

We did the best that we could and it wasn't good enough.

 

Tomorrow she is going to try and take him to dr.

 

I did reconfirm with my niece that she can't save him. That maybe we have to seek out another plan.

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