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Rose in BC

My son found his birthmother on Facebook -- update

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It would be so easy for me to armchair QB this situation. Why, Rose, you should just march over there, shake your Mommy finger in this woman's face, tell her what's what and take your son home. Yeah, right.

 

The fact of the matter is that RAD children do not have the same perceptions and reactions as "average" people. So to expect "average" reactions would be merely an exercise in frustration for you. You know from personal experience that your ds's reactions would likely be quick, volatile, and quite likely dangerous for him and perhaps the rest of the family should you try to force him to do anything.

 

Based on what you have shared about the birth mom, it seems quite possible that she doesn't fall into the "average" category either. To expect fair, rational, reasonable or honorable behavior or reactions from her may be just as doomed to failure as expecting them from your ds.

 

I think the only path you can realistically choose is the one you are currently following. You have to do everything strictly by the letter of the laws which apply. You can try to communicate your concern and unconditional love to your ds, but you can't force him to acknowledge that those things are true and valuable. You can't make him see his birth mom's flaws. He is going to see things from his unique vision exclusively. (I'm sure you have a great deal of experience dealing with his different and unexpected interpretation of things.)

 

Some of us, like me, so much want to believe that love and fairness will win the day. We want to think that he can be helped to see the truth. But I'm not sure that is reality. Some children just can't be forced or guided. They have to come to it in their own way. You know him best and know the situation. It seems that you are making wise and honest decisions at every point here. Don't second guess yourself.

 

I realize that RAD adds an exponential increase in difficulty and complication, but the fact is that most of us with teen children have to admit that the time has passed for "making" them do anything. My 14yo dd and I had an interesting discussion today about how it is impossible for a parent to completely bar their teen child from online technology these days. She correctly pointed out that even if the parents take all the teen's media access away in their home, the teen can easily gain access elsewhere. At the library, from a friend at school, at a friend or relative's house, perhaps even by just going against their parents' wishes and continuing to access the media at home, whether covertly or overtly.

 

I remember Joanne once saying something about the only way to absolutely guarantee a particular outcome with a teen would be to institute measures that would possibly be just as harmful as the situation being avoided. As much as their behavior sometimes warrants, it is not developmentally appropriate to treat them like toddlers. You are doing the right things for your ds. It would serve no purpose to destroy him psychologically in order to "help" him. As you have previously stated, direct intervention would merely drive him farther away from you. Love him, pray for him, forgive him, accept him for who he is. Those are the only and best things you can do.

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Just bumping this up. I've been thinking of your family this week, I keep hoping that some day your son will see the situation for what it truly is.

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Thanks everyone for checking in. Nothing to update. Absolutely no news. My dd is leaving tomorrow for a scheduled visit with one of my sisters. Then She and my sister are heading to my dd's birth moms funeral on Tuesday. It's in the same city where my ds is. I'm not sure if they'll attempt to see ds. My dd is stressed enough so I'm not adding more to burden her but waiting to see if she brings it up.

 

It's hard that I'm not going to funeral with dd. I just can't. Financially it's a strain (as it is it'll cost us $800 to send dd), my work schedule is packed, we have another ds with special needs and school starts next week (although I homeschool him). And, I don't think I could bear rejection from my youngest ds if I went to city where he is and he refused to see me. Which I think could happen. But my sister (13 years older than me) is a very good substitute and LOVES my dd. But of course I feel the mommy guilt.

 

Next week school starts for him. I'm curious to see how that will work.

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:grouphug:  Rose.  I wish there was more we could do for you.

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Here's a interesting update. My ds texted my sister day telling her he thinks he might have chicken pox! Seriously? Mumps earlier this month (turned out not to be) and now chicken pox? And why isn't his birthmother providing guidance? He always comes to us in times of trouble.

 

After a back and forth conversation, my sister told him he needs to see a dr. (Oh, and she asked him if he's sure it's not ..in her words "insect bites"...aka fleas or bedbugs.)

 

Haven't heard anything more since this morning.

 

I think he might be gearing up for excuses to miss school which starts Tuesday. I'm sure he's scared. New school. Big city school.

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The poor boy,  I hope he finds a way out of his dilemma and decides to go home.  :grouphug:

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The poor boy, I hope he finds a way out of his dilemma and decides to go home. :grouphug:

Me too. My sister will be in his city next week for a day. I will be interested in seeing if she can meet up with him (and dd, who is attending her birthmother's funeral).

 

I asked dd if she wanted to see ds. I was kind of shocked to hear her say how angry she is at him for putting us through so much grief. (She's a very mellow personality.). I'm glad we have counciling for her.

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Was he not vaccinated for any of these illnesses?  (No problem if you don't - it's just that these are childhood illnesses that are commonly vaccinated for.)  I'm just wondering if he's participating in a plan of the birthmom's to get money out of you for fake illnesses.  

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Yes he's been vaccinated. We are slow vaccinators but because he has attended ps he even has his grade 9 booster.

 

Who knows what the scheme is, if there is one.

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I'm thinking of you often and hoping that he learns the lessons he needs from this.

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Here's a interesting update. My ds texted my sister day telling her he thinks he might have chicken pox! Seriously? Mumps earlier this month (turned out not to be) and now chicken pox? And why isn't his birthmother providing guidance? He always comes to us in times of trouble.

 

After a back and forth conversation, my sister told him he needs to see a dr. (Oh, and she asked him if he's sure it's not ..in her words "insect bites"...aka fleas or bedbugs.)

 

Haven't heard anything more since this morning.

 

I think he might be gearing up for excuses to miss school which starts Tuesday. I'm sure he's scared. New school. Big city school.

 

My money is on flea bites because I had a friend whose sister did exactly this:  tried to keep her kids out of school (they were chronically truant) because of chicken pox, when the "pox" were actually flea bites.  She must have an outdated version of "The Scuzzy Parent Handbook," i.e., one published before the CP vaccine became the norm. 

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:grouphug:

 

Mumps, and chicken pox.  What a mix.  I hope the chicken pox turns out to be just a scare, like the Mumps.

 

Thinking of you often, and hoping every day for good news.

 

 

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If he had the vaccine and he actually got the chicken pox, his pox will be gone tomorrow, well before school on Tuesday. He probably has fleas or bed bugs. I might alert social services that a doctor visit is necessary over the weekend since there's chance of missing the first day of school. 

 

It's good he keeps in contact with your family when things are not right. It's a sign he knows birthmom cannot be counted on for basic needs. 

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Even if he got vaxed for pox he can still get it.  It is happening often.  As well if he has not been getting the boosters every 7 years he could very well get it.  My bet is still on insect bites, but I would not discount the chance of pox based on a vaccine.  The mumps he was vaxed for, and he never had.  Who told him it might be mumps? The clinic or the bio mom, bio mom is a flaky user and she would have no clue what vax he has had.  Even with vaxes there is some things making a comeback like whooping cough so I can see if the clinic before double checking his vax records (since bio mom wouldn't know if they asked if he was) might make an off hand comment of rule out mumps and bio mom or your ds latched on to that as what was going on.  In this situation though, pox is still possible though the culprit is most likely bug bites.

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I hope your ds got to a doctor or clinic to get checked. I had chickenpox as a young adult and it was horrible. I remember spending a lot of time in a bathtub filled with water and oats (that helped soothe the itching so much) and only being able to handle wearing flannel pjs.

 

There is a measles outbreak in the province right now. Hopefully that isn't what he has.

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I asked dd if she wanted to see ds. I was kind of shocked to hear her say how angry she is at him for putting us through so much grief. (She's a very mellow personality.). I'm glad we have counciling for her.

 

DD sounds quite normal. She is reacting as any normal person would in this situation. Normal for her and your family to be angry at your DS...

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Wow Rose, that's a good development! Time and truth walk hand in hand. I hope that your boy continues to see the truth come to light.

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Okay I have to admit I teared up reading that he said he should have listened to you and that you were right.  That is so huge and a great first step towards seeing you are not the bad guy.  If it is thyroid once it starts getting under control again and the anxiety/depression etc it can cause are dealt with he may start seeing the whole situation in a whole new light.  I am so glad he got checked out, and that something positive has come out of all of this.  Those rare times my oldest realizes I have been right along and he admits it are so precious to me, which is likely why I teared up reading you got that message

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Oh, Rose... Somehow I lost track of this thread and didn't see any updates. What an unbelievable ordeal. I'm so thankful your sisters are alongside your family through it all. My heart breaks for you, but your last post contained glimmers of hope. Many hugs to you and yours. I hope your son is safely home soon! :grouphug:

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This is such a hard journey, but it may just be what it takes for him to accept your love.  Wishing you ongoing strength and wisdom.

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Oh wow!  That's wonderful!!!!

 

Rose, you have been so strong through this storm.  I don't even know you yet I'm so thrilled this has happened!  I hope this is the beginning of something great!

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Here's the miracle. He texted my sister (who he had conferred with about his rash) and explained the thyroid problem then said "which means, if I would have listened to mom and gone to the dr I wouldn't be overweight, with horrible stomach issues today".

 

Then when I got home from work he left a phone message asking me to call. In almost so many words he said "you were right mom".

 

  :).)

 

And I notice he said, "Mom" and not "Rose."

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And I notice he said, "Mom" and not "Rose."

:iagree:

 

I think that's very telling. He knows who his "real" mom is, and it's not the woman he's currently living with. It's Rose, and Rose will always be his mom.

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Rose, I have been following this thread and just wanted to send you hugs. As an adopted kid who is probably a bit RADdy due to the trauma associated with my abandonment/ adoption I know what a tragedy it would have been for me to have met my bio mom as a teen. I probably would have done exactly as your son is doing and hurt my mom deeply. There is just such a psychological hole left in a child with RAD. Then again, I , like your son would have probably seen fright through my bio moms cr@p pretty quickly. I think he needs to get it all straight in himself. Actually, as I write this, maybe it would have been better for me and my mom if I had met and tried to foster a relationship with my bio mom back then. It would have gotten the cards on the table, no mystery, no wondering whys, no false ideas of who my mother really was.

 

I met my bio mom a year after my mother died. I did have a relationship with my mother and I was there for her until the last minute, but it was alwaysr strained, always stressful, always hard. I never blamed her per se' for the situation, but I also never bonded well....I am still an arms length sort of person. I expect those around me to hurt me deeply, so I do not get too close. I am pretty outgoing and verbal, but not warm and cushy. I never can be. Anyway, last year I met my bio mom, 2 sisters and a brother. Also, an aunt. I was welcomed by all with open arms....and one sister has become a very close friend. Bio mom.........piece of work!!! Total piece of work! Truth and reality are not part of her world. She is very sweet, very smart, but as nutters as they come! Even as a full grown woman with adult children of my own, this is something I am working through. I wish my mother was around to help me with this. I wish I could apologize to her for being such a little sh*t. I wish I would not have hurt her the way I did, immaturely, selfishly, without regard for her feelings because I was so inside my own issues and not dealing with the full information...not even really understanding the psychological issues in adopted kids. I come from a time where kids were all resilient, and there was no idea that adopted kids might not bond properly, or might have abandonment issues.

 

I do think it may pan out better that ds is getting a real view of the truth of his circumstances and may actually begin to see your side a bit....a big bit. I also hope he gets a good dose of bio mom, enough to see he really does want to be with his mother ( YOU!).

 

Anyway, you and your family are in my heart and my prayers.

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We've had a tough week with our eldest son getting in some trouble, my dd going to her birthmother's funeral. Friday night I was feeling very overwhelmed telling dh I can't do it anymore (parenting FASD kids). Knowing their whole life will be a struggle, I sometimes wonder how we'll be able to continue this pace. There is no respite with FASD.

 

Anyway, yesterday my dh and I good day shopping, going for lunch (andi had my nails done :)). On our way one I get a text from my niece saying "it looks like the sh**** hit the fan, referring tommy ds and his birthmother. My heart was pounding. on the one hand maybe he was coming home. On the other hand, how would we be able to handle this boy who has been out of control his whole life but now it could be worse than ever.

 

So last night I bit the bullet and phoned him and he answered. He was a bit defensive to start but eventually said he's been thinking about it. (Actually i think he was choking up on the other end when he heard my voice but he claimed to be listening to his ipod thats why he wasnt talking.) I didn't say anything except that I was worried that something bad had happened causing him to want to leave and that I was just checking he was ok. He said everything was fine. I reiterated that he could call any time if he was in trouble. Call lasted ten minute.

 

So I don't know what to make of this. He started school Friday which I know would have been stressful. I think I'll phone social worker and see if she can dig deeper.

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Hang in there and have patience, mama. He's learning some hard lessons; hopefully he'll come home changed for the better because he'll know the truth.

 

You are doing an amazing job with all of your kids. Most people don't even have the strength to contemplate doing what you've done so far.  

 

:grouphug:

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I feel for your son, Rose.  He's going through a furnace right now.  I hope and pray he comes out on the right side, that he gets the medical help he needs (for his thyroid), and realizes that he has a real family, a real mother, who has always been there for him.  You've been amazing.  I know you don't feel like it right now, but you are so strong.  

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:

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Hugs, Rose.  You are doing an amazing job with him.  It's one mom in a million who would handle this with such patience and grace.

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:grouphug:

 

Just keep doing what you've been doing.  I continue to be amazed at your grace and patience.

 

:grouphug:

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