It really sucks when kids grow up and leave

[Abbeygurl4]

My daughter #3, who is 24, moved out today. She's only about 3.5 hours away but it just isn't the same as living at home. I know kids are supposed to grow up and have lives of their own and it's a good thing, but it HURTS so darn much. I can't walk past her room without my heart hurting. Do all mothers go through this when each child leaves? Maybe I am overly attached or something. I mean, I didn't even see her that much. She worked as a waitress 4 days a week, she was a pet sitter and would sometimes petsit for a week or more and she visited her boyfriend in Michigan every other weekend. But we had things we did together and every time she came home she's say "hi mama". I just can't stop sobbing.

[unsinkable]

Oh i am so sorry! (((hugs)))

[Stacia]

:grouphug:

[PrincessMommy]

I don't know about all mothers, but I hate this season of life. My older kids are growing up and moving out. It's very painful and bittersweet to me. I'm fortunate to have 2 still at home full-time (as I see you do to), but the best years of my life where when I was bringing up the kids and homeschooling.

 

I also never used to worry or be anxious. Now I'm overly anxious about my kids decisions and the consequences thereof. I hate being that way.

 

:grouphug:

[lmrich]

So sorry. I think it is ok to be sad at your loss while still proud of her independence, and the fact that you raised a competent wonderful woman.

[Guest]

Do all mothers go through this when each child leaves?

 

 

:grouphug:

Well, I know that I went through this when *I* left my mom (out of state), so I bet your dd feels the same way. We are about 5 hours from each other and every.stinking.time I see her and leave it feels like my heart is ripped out of me. I see her once, maybe twice a year and after 7 years it hasn't gotten easier. I'm not looking forward to the day my kids leave. :crying:

[Halftime Hope]

I'm right there with ya! I'm nost afraid that my kids will need to take jobs far, far away because of whatever they pursue or whomever they marry. Blech.

 

I was encouraged to hear dh talk about a motor home as a retirement plan the other day, even though we've not talked about it yet. ; )

 

Hugs, Abbeygurl4!

[Quiver0f10]

I think it's natural. Four of mine have moved out now and it is hard! The first two to leave moved into a house together so I had two move out in the same instant. This parenting thing is tough. :grouphug:

[LibraryLover]

I'm sorry you are feeling so sad.

And my answer is maybe everyone feels like that. I don't know. However, I am feeling cooked.

[LibraryLover]

double post

[BlessedMom]

:grouphug: :grouphug:

[RemsMom]

I understand how you feel. When I got married I planned to have children. I guess I never thought that someday they would grow into adults.

[LibraryLover]

(((Hug)))

[lllll]

:grouphug:

[Orthodox6]

:grouphug: I've had only one hop from the nest so far. (We have another one who sure wants to vacate the nest, and who is old enough -- but who can't afford it until he finishes a two-year graduate program, commencing this month.) It felt extremely strange, and I missed him all the time, even though he moved only fifteen miles northward. Now he (and his wife) live only ten minutes away. . . . For the longest time, our son seemed to feel strange, too. He would come by the house sometimes, find nobody here, and call his dad or me with what became a family standard "one- liner": "Where is everybody??" (uttered in a plaintive tone). Now he and d-i-l are hoping to move back to the town of his birth, when they are through with their education and able to find work out there. That will be really hard for us. (They want us to move with them, too, which would be jolly!)

 

Of course you are crying. Wish I could help you cheer up.

[Starr]

I'm right there with ya! I'm nost afraid that my kids will need to take jobs far, far away because of whatever they pursue or whomever they marry. Blech.

 

I was encouraged to hear dh talk about a motor home as a retirement plan the other day, even though we've not talked about it yet. ; )

 

Hugs, Abbeygurl4!

 

 

We can get a WTM Travel Home and party our way around the country visiting our dc!

[TammyinTN]

Yes, it definitely stinks. I'm coming off a week long high of having all our kids and grand-babies here and man do I miss them bunches! Thank heavens for skype and phones.

[JennifersLost]

I had two move out this year, one very competently and one in a snit before I was "done" parenting him, LOL. Both cases have been painful for me in ways I couldn't have imagined. I've been trying very hard to give both their space, and they both want a lot of it. I'm wishing now that I'd done the whole cell phone thing with them as teens so we'd all be used to "chatting/texting" that way.

 

But, I tell myself to a.) concentrate on the ones left at home, and b.) be happy about the measure of independence they are showing. They launched out into the world with their own ideas and so far are making it.

 

I think the hardest thing is trying to figure out how to transition from parent to a new type of relationship. I'd like to figure out something to "do" with these young grown men. Right now when I talk with them it feels like they're reporting back to me what they've done. Yuck. That's the kind of relationship I've tended to have with my parents and it makes it no fun to call them up and just chat. I know this is a pivotal time for our relationship, and honestly I feel like I have no idea how to do it. I seem so irrelevent to their lives right now. I wish we played tennis, or golfed or something; you know how conversation flows with boys when you "do" something together? I need to take up a sport!

 

The sad feelings come in waves, too. I spend so much time now remembering them as infants and toddlers and preschoolers and my arms and heart just ache. Why didn't someone tell me it would be this way back when I was complaining about having three boys under 5?

[Eagle]

:grouphug:

[Samiam]

I can imagine the heartbreak. My oldest is turning 15 on Thursday...going into 10th grade. My DH just said to me last week that he thought of the fact that we might only have him home for three more years....I knoooowww!! I find myself hoping and praying that he picks a college within an hour or two from home.

 

Of course, as parents, we are all proud that our babies grow up to be successful humans, but as mommies...waaah, life is never the same.

[lynn]

It's hard to see my baby boys growing up and moving out. My oldest moved out but you know I was happy for him. I enjoyed the time I had and the memories I will forever hold of my little boys and am so very thankful for every moment. It's time to let them go. I worry about him and he has some things to figure out still but he is going to be okay. We don't see him much so I make Sunday our family day and make a point of letting him know when dinner will be ready and he comes over. I am hoping to keep it tradition to always have the kids back for dinner on Sundays. My second son will be moving out in a year or so and same thing I enjoyed and am so thankful for the time I had with him but will be happy for him to go out and be independent and continue on his journey of life and all that it holds.

[Kari C in SC]

When my oldest got stationed in Alaska it was so hard. I had never been depressed before, but I realized I was teetering on the edge of it. It was like I had spent over half my life caring for him and the he was just all grown up. I missed him so much and I hated it. Lots and lots of hugs. Oh and take my advice... Use Skype or FaceTime or something like that. I still regret that I didn't use it.

[Abbeygurl4]

:grouphug:

 

Of course you are crying. Wish I could help you cheer up.

 

 

 

I do too!

[Jen in NY]

:grouphug: I sympathize --- my dd#1 is getting ready to leave for school and I just cry at the most unexpected and inconvenient times. I'll really miss her .... not helpful at all, but you are truly not alone.

[Word Nerd]

:grouphug:

[Melissa in Australia]

:grouphug:

[Hikin' Mama]

I know how you feel. My second child is going out of state for college in September and I keep randomly tearing up thinking about him leaving. My oldest still lives in the area ( not at home), but has a significant other and so I see him less than I used to. The really hard part about all this is that I absolutely loved the teen years and so enjoyed when all my kiddos lived at home and I saw them and talked to them all every day. Many nights when my oldest still lived at home, we would all gather on my bed and watch The Office or Seinfeld and laugh together. Those days were truly the golden years for me!

[edelweiss]

I don't know about all mothers, but I hate this season of life. My older kids are growing up and moving out. It's very painful and bittersweet to me. I'm fortunate to have 2 still at home full-time (as I see you do to), but the best years of my life where when I was bringing up the kids and homeschooling.

 

 

:grouphug:

 

 

My oldest is turning 13 tomorrow, so I have a few more years with my kids at home, but I am definitely feeling melancholy over them growing up. I can't even imagine how painful it will be when they move out. :crying: It is sad to realize that these years are the best ones of my life and they will be soon drawing to a close. Sigh... oh well, I guess that's life.

 

Big hugs, OP. I'm not there yet, but I can definitely feel for you and your situation. :grouphug:

[Sisyphus]

I guess I never thought that someday they would grow into adults.

 

That about sums it up for me. It's very hard to watch, and why I never realized it would happen is beyond me. Time is just slipping through my fingers- I guess whoever said the days are long and the years are short is a genius.

 

Cry all you want, I will be there soon to join you!

[Danestress]

It really is a difficult adjustment. I miss my son living here. I was ready for him to move out - it was time, but I miss those sweet years when I was "the Mom" and they were sort of "mine." Now he is married, a homeowner, and I get to see a reasonable amount of him, but I still miss it and cherish the time left with his younger siblings.

 

That said, I don't know yet what my "best" years will be, but I imagine they could maybe be when I have grandchildren, God willing.

 

I do know that very few adults say their "best" years were when they were small. Most adults have enjoyed adult years - the marriage, work, child raising, teA making years. So if I want the best for my kids, I have to be delighted that their best years are ahead of them and will not revolve around me. If their best years were the years in my home, that would actually be sort of heart breaking.

[Abbeygurl4]

I know how you feel. My second child is going out of state for college in September and I keep randomly tearing up thinking about him leaving. My oldest still lives in the area ( not at home), but has a significant other and so I see him less than I used to. The really hard part about all this is that I absolutely loved the teen years and so enjoyed when all my kiddos lived at home and I saw them and talked to them all every day. Many nights when my oldest still lived at home, we would all gather on my bed and watch The Office or Seinfeld and laugh together. Those days were truly the golden years for me!

 

Us too! We watched different shows, but we had "our" shows that I can no longer watch without crying. Man, this just doesn't seem fair, does it?

[Abbeygurl4]

It really is a difficult adjustment. I miss my son living here. I was ready for him to move out - it was time, but I miss those sweet years when I was "the Mom" and they were sort of "mine." Now he is married, a homeowner, and I get to see a reasonable amount of him, but I still miss it and cherish the time left with his younger siblings.

 

That said, I don't know yet what my "best" years will be, but I imagine they could maybe be when I have grandchildren, God willing.

 

I do know that very few adults say their "best" years were when they were small. Most adults have enjoyed adult years - the marriage, work, child raising, teA making years. So if I want the best for my kids, I have to be delighted that their best years are ahead of them and will not revolve around me. If their best years were the years in my home, that would actually be sort of heart breaking.

 

You're right. It's just hard letting go. I know our goal should be to prepare our kids to have their OWN lives and their OWN families. I certainly wasn't prepared for how hard it would be. I'm thinking I would have been better off if they each left at 18. Also, dh and I have been separated for over a year now and I doubt we will be reconciling, so when all the kids are gone I'll be alone. I'm starting to understand the whole "crazy cat lady" persona.

[Abbeygurl4]

That about sums it up for me. It's very hard to watch, and why I never realized it would happen is beyond me. Time is just slipping through my fingers- I guess whoever said the days are long and the years are short is a genius.

 

Cry all you want, I will be there soon to join you!

 

Maybe we can all meet up for a big old pity party!

[ThisIsTheDay]

My first (of two) is leaving for college in 51 days. Gosh, I can't type that without welling up, and that's the first time that's happened. And of course I am totally excited for HER, for her future, to see how the next few years play out. But it stinks for me.

 

All (okay, most) kids grow up and leave. But as a friend pointed out that, homeschool moms have a different bond with our children. Isn't that the truth? Friends who have had kids at public or private school for the majority of their kids' lives just do NOT understand that what we are going through IS a bit different than when their kids leave.

 

(Obviously we have others here who have some kids in ps, or have had kids in and out of ps. I include them. They are separate from the families who have just always taken for granted that their children would go off to school at age 5 and not be as involved with their education as the families here on WTM board are.)

[southcarolinamom]

I feel your pain. In the last 2 weeks, my 19 year old son has gotten engaged (wedding planned for next May), and my daughter started a really busy job, that keeps her away from home from about 10 AM til midnight 4-5 days a week. I figured this is God's way of helping me ease into the fact that she will be 3 hours away at college in 6 short weeks! I'm going to miss her so much! I hate walking past her room, not seeing her there. But I know my children are where they are supposed to be, doing what God wants them to ... I can hear my apron strings ripping away from my body this month.

 

Sending you hugs today.

[Jenny in Florida]

It hit me a few months ago that I may well see both of mine move out within a few months of each other, and I competely lost it.

 

I was more or less okay when my daughter went away to school, because I definitely viewed it as a temporary situation. She was so young that there was no real question about whether she would come home for breaks and then move back here once she got her degree. So, I knew we weren't "done." Plus, she called and/or texted and/or e-mailed and/or Facebook or Skype chatted with me pretty much every day. Honestly, it sometimes felt like I didn't really have a chance to miss her.

 

But now she's 18 and working almost full time and saving and planning for the big move away from home, which she expects to be making in a year or so.

 

Meanwhile, my son is gearing up to start 11th grade and is starting to look at colleges. And although he's consistently said he planned to stay in state for college and close enough to come home for an occasional weekend, just recently he's fallen in love with the idea of going to school in or near New York, instead. And he is not nearly as intentional about keeping in touch when he's away from home and will be much more likely to be ready to get a job and start his life right after graduation. So, once he moves into the dorm, it'll be more or less over.

 

And I cannot believe how sad it makes me. I've never thought of myself as a clingy parent. Despite those near-daily phone calls and texts, I didn't do the helicopter thing while my daughter was away at school. (We never so much as spoke to a professor or RA except for once when our daughter was sick enough to require an ER visit and we had to coordinate a ride and insurance information and then in her senior year when we approved letting her move out of the special dorm even though she was under-age.) I've talked bravely for years about how the role of a good parent is to make himself/herself obsolete. But now that I'm actually facing the prospect of an empty, quiet house, it's surprisingly devastating.

 

So, Abbeygurl, I don't think you're alone in feeling bereft. I hope you adjust soon and that your daughter thrives in her new environment (and visits often!).

[edelweiss]

 

I do know that very few adults say their "best" years were when they were small. Most adults have enjoyed adult years - the marriage, work, child raising, teA making years. So if I want the best for my kids, I have to be delighted that their best years are ahead of them and will not revolve around me. If their best years were the years in my home, that would actually be sort of heart breaking.

 

 

 

So true! When my kids leave the house in a few years, I will be happy for them, for sure! It will be hard for me because I will know that my best years are over, but it certainly will help knowing that their best years are still to come. I hope that softens the blow some.

[Heather in Neverland]

My ds has 3 more years until he leaves for college somewhere in the US. Then we have to make some major decisions. Do we stay here, LITERALLY half way around the world from him in jobs we love and a great school for our other two kids? Or do we move back to be closer? So when ds leaves for college, he REALLY leaves. We will be lucky to see him once a year if we stay here.

 

One of my regrets in life was not being more sympathetic towards my mom when I left home to go to college. I was only 4 hours away but when I left she cried so much. It was like someone died. At first I came home every weekend to see my family. But then every Sunday evening I would have to go through the same dramatic scene. It got to be too much for me so I came home less and less often.

 

I was so excited about my new stage of life that I forgot to consider my mom's feelings. In a few years, that will all come back to haunt me!

[Danestress]

 

Also, dh and I have been separated for over a year now and I doubt we will be reconciling, so when all the kids are gone I'll be alone. I'm starting to understand the whole "crazy cat lady" persona.

 

Well must make it that much harder. I am sorry - you have a lot to adjust to:(

[KatieJ]

I was really upset when my oldest moved out. When the last one left 14 or so years later, I almost helped him pack.

 

He was a great kid, getting married, starting his own life, but I had been parenting for over 30 years at that point. I was ready for an empty nest.

 

Now they are all married with families of their own. When they come home, the house rocks.

 

In a good way.

[Abbeygurl4]

Wow! Thanks for all the support. I'm starting to adjust little by little. It's good to know that I'm not the only one having a hard time with this. I wish I could hug you all right now! :grouphug:

 

This has made me realize I need to make the most of my time with the ones that are still home. To think I cried when I found out I was pregnant with number 6. I am SO glad I've got my youngest now!!

[LibraryLover]

 I love being a mother, but I really do not have sadness about the oldest moving out. It's time.

 

[LibraryLover]

I'd like them live close-ish, but I honestly prefer they not live in my house as college -graduated adults.

If they need our help, they are welcome.
 

 

[*LC]

Also, dh and I have been separated for over a year now and I doubt we will be reconciling, so when all the kids are gone I'll be alone. I'm starting to understand the whole "crazy cat lady" persona.

Hugs to you. I'm guessing this changes what you thought you would be doing after the kids moved out. My husband and I taked about retirement and post-kids even before we had kids. I still remember meeting with a financial advisor after he died and being asked, "What doyou want to do after kids?" I had no clue.

 

Now it has been a while and I have been able to come up with some lose plans. Actually, I have two rough plans, a selfish one and a helpful one. It depends on the day which one I think about. I still have at least 10 years until the youngest leaves for college.

More hugs to you as you miss your daughter.

[creekland]

:grouphug:  from here.  We just got back from the wedding of my oldest.  Only three years ago he left home for college.  It took a long time adjusting to that.  Last year middle son left and it took a long time adjusting to that.  This coming year youngest is a senior... the final countdown has begun.

 

I find myself having to not be clingy when they return.  I tend to want ALL of their time and have to be gracious letting them visit and reconnect with friends too - like right now - when middle is  here visiting for just a week and returns on Sunday...

 

Like others I wish I had been nicer to my mom when I left.  At the time I couldn't figure out why she was crying when I was so happy to be trying my wings.  Now I remember that and bite my tongue when watching them fly.  I am seriously glad they are out and doing well, but I also seriously miss the wonderful times we had together in their youth.  I'm really glad we took the time to do things together - from geocaching to board games to TV shows.  Those memories are just awesome now.  May they have as wonderful of a time when they are parents even if it means sad times when my grandkids fly.

 

And hubby and I continue our talks about the time after - that will be coming soon.  I am thankful he's here.  My mom didn't have that, but she has built a life and enjoys herself - along with joining us for some vacations and things.  It can be done.

[Photo Ninja]

It's just plain hard when a child moves out. I knew it was right that they go, and they were ready. I was excited for each of them to make the step to college and live on their own. BUT - it hurt. I cried. I was sad. The house was so quiet and empty. There was a huge hole in my life that just couldn't get filled with them gone. It was sad walking by their room(s) and the rooms were still clean.

 

Phone calls are treasured, as are video chats. And I realized it was much harder to have my dd move out than my sons. Not that I love my sons less, but my dd and I are close. Of course, we do text and chat more than I do with my sons. We had one season of about 8 months with all our dc moved out. It was horrid and lonely and quiet.

 

But, then oldest ds moved back home. We housed an intern at church. Oldest son's friend (and his wife and pre-school dd) moved in with us, and now they have a newborn. Our house is just as busy now as it was before, with ds's friends coming in and out pretty much daily. Our other ds (not living at home) will call to see if his room is available when he wants to come home. One visit he had to stay in dd's room because it was the only room not occupied. Two of my dc are still living away from home, but I like having young people around. Our house is once again a pretty busy place, and I love it.

 

I do think one thing demonstrates success. My dc WANT to come home. They LIKE to come home. They relax when they are here, and it is refreshing for them to come home. They want to see dh and me. I am glad, and it indicates success to me. I still miss them, and probably always will, but it is part of growing up for all of us. 

 

 

[DianeW88]

I'd like them live close-ish, but I honestly prefer they not live in my house as college -graduated adults.

 

If they need our help, they are welcome.

 

But dh & I alone? Without their STUFF?! That seems awesome. I pray they are well and happy,  and not too far away, but the thought of dh and I together , without their STUFF on a daily basis?  :)

 

 

 

Nah, I'm the same way.  My dd has been away at college for two years now, and when she's home...it's fun, but it's hard, too.  She's not a child, she's an adult (getting married in five weeks), and the relationship dynamics are different.  I love being good friends with her now and doing all the friend stuff.  Shopping, lunch, talking, etc.  But she makes her own adult decisions and I no longer insert myself into her life in that way.

 

My oldest son is still at home and commuting to college, but is planning on transferring to a different school next fall.  However, he already served an LDS mission, and we didn't see him for two years, so he has "launched" so to speak.  LOL  He's just saving cash right now.

 

My youngest is 12, and he's fun to have around, but I know I'll enjoy the couple time with my dh when it's his turn to fly out of the nest.

 

In short, having your kids home when they're adults is not the same thing as when they're young kiddos...it's a whole different dynamic.  I love how independent and capable my young adults are.  I love the wonderful decisions they're making and how confident they are in leading their own lives.  I'm so happy that homeschooling helped them to become the people they are today.  And it's so fun to watch their lives move forward...we love our new son-in-law to be, and I'm having a blast helping my dd through this new stage of her life.  Plus....I'm hoping for some grandkids in the next five years.  I hear being a grandma is a 100 times better than being a mom.  I can't wait! :D

[Tina]

It's hard to see my baby boys growing up and moving out. My oldest moved out but you know I was happy for him. I enjoyed the time I had and the memories I will forever hold of my little boys and am so very thankful for every moment. It's time to let them go. I worry about him and he has some things to figure out still but he is going to be okay. We don't see him much so I make Sunday our family day and make a point of letting him know when dinner will be ready and he comes over. I am hoping to keep it tradition to always have the kids back for dinner on Sundays. My second son will be moving out in a year or so and same thing I enjoyed and am so thankful for the time I had with him but will be happy for him to go out and be independent and continue on his journey of life and all that it holds.

 

I know.  I'm thinking I"ll have to start the Sunday dinners to see them all regularly when they're out.  My middle is just moving out--trying it out, he says.  I really hate it when dh and all three kids are gone.  Somehow I can't get started getting things done.  I feel in limbo.

[Abbeygurl4]

It's been a week and I feel a little better I guess. My oldest dd came home for a visit and my sister also visited, so they kept me occupied. I feel like I need to figure out what to do with the next phase of my life and I have no idea. Besides driving a school bus for 3 years back when I was 30, I've been a stay-at-home mom since I was 18. And since dh and I are separated I'm not even sure if I'll be in my house or how much money I'll have or anything. I always thought we would travel a little and enjoy the grandkids, but who knows any more.

[tricia]

I'm in the same boat as you are.  Of our 12 kids we are still taking care of 8.  The oldest at home is my daughter who is 26 and the youngest at home is 7.  I did fine when my oldest daughter and son married several years ago but last year when our 21 and 23 year old daughters got married I struggled really, really bad.  Still do in fact.  I loved having them home and I miss them terribly.  I really don't know what I'll do once I get down to the last few. :glare: I guess I'll just drive around the country and stay a few weeks with each of them.  I'm assuming they all won't always be in the same state considering my four married kids are in three different states.  It really is a sad day.   :grouphug: