WWYD? Summer schooling, relatives, beach

[Giraffe]

DD goes to a B&M school during the year (we're overseas and HS is not allowed here) and I'm after-schooling English reading, history, and helping her with math. I want to do a minimum of 30 minutes every morning with her this summer - 15 minutes of Miquon and 15 minutes of Spalding. She'll be fine with this, in fact likes to do school (she's 6), especially math with the Cuisenaire rods. I need to do this because DD has been deemed "borderline" for first grade and I've been advised - repeatedly - to have her reading in English before school starts in the fall to avoid confusion between Turkish and English. She's ready - we just need to do it.

 

My problem - the relatives. We'll be with my FIL and his family most of the summer and they are always on the go - to the boat, to the beach, to somewhere, anywhere, that's not here. FIL is incapable of sitting still. The best time to do school for DD is going to be right after breakfast. Before, she's not awake enough. Later in the day, she's tired, I'm tired, and my nerves are shot from dealing with in-laws all day in a foreign language (this side of the family speaks NO English). So - how do I tell them they have to just deal with the schooling? I'm hoping that I can do school while we're eating breakfast, at least some of it, and while they're cleaning up and gathering their things do the rest. But am I missing something?

 

There is a nine year old "cousin" who is also supposed to be doing summer schooling, but she usually whines and pouts her way out of it. DD is not so lucky and I don't want to give in to peer pressure to "do it later" because I know how this family works and "later" never, ever comes.

 

My adventure starts tomorrow as we are joining them for a few days at the beach. I'm hoping that I can introduce them gently to this before the summer gets going in force, but any advice you ladies have is most appreciated.

[wapiti]

I don't have any advice, unfortunately. If it were me, I'd probably try to be really diligent about getting going early in the morning - maybe try to squeeze in that 30 minutes while the relatives are finishing up breakfast, having their coffee, etc., like you said. Good luck :)

[Alte Veste Academy]

DD has been deemed "borderline" for first grade and I've been advised - repeatedly - to have her reading in English before school starts in the fall to avoid confusion between Turkish and English. She's ready - we just need to do it.

 

I would just tell them this and explain that it must be a priority. A grown person should be able to allow for 30 minutes of down time for a guest, per day, at minimum. If there is resistance, just smile and explain repeatedly that it is best for DD and, as her mother, you are responsible for doing what is best for DD. Seriously, grandparents should approve and accomodate, energetic or no.

 

Anyway, what 6 year old can go-go-go day after day without needing (significantly) more downtime anyway? Not one I've ever had. At some point, they crash. Step 1 being the emotional crash.

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

I would just tell them this and explain that it must be a priority. A grown person should be able to allow for 30 minutes of down time for a guest, per day, at minimum. If there is resistance, just smile and explain repeatedly that it is best for DD and, as her mother, you are responsible for doing what is best for DD. Seriously, grandparents should approve and accomodate, energetic or no.

 

Anyway, what 6 year old can go-go-go day after day without needing (significantly) more downtime anyway? Not one I've ever had. At some point, they crash. Step 1 being the emotional crash.

 

I agree. Be firm and unemotional and hold your ground. Lock yourselves in a bedroom if you have to, but go ahead and get it done.

[Giraffe]

I would just tell them this and explain that it must be a priority. A grown person should be able to allow for 30 minutes of down time for a guest, per day, at minimum. If there is resistance, just smile and explain repeatedly that it is best for DD and, as her mother, you are responsible for doing what is best for DD. Seriously, grandparents should approve and accomodate, energetic or no.

 

Anyway, what 6 year old can go-go-go day after day without needing (significantly) more downtime anyway? Not one I've ever had. At some point, they crash. Step 1 being the emotional crash.

 

Exactly. We get a lot of emotional crash, unfortunately, and I'm the bad guy, always, for insisting on downtime. The 9 year old really has a hard time and I just want to scream, but I'm not her mother and I can't control other people.

 

I'm going to insist on it, but I'm dreading it, a little. As the DIL I have cultural expectations on me to help clean up, fuss about, etc., and I need to spend that time with DD doing school if I'm going to be "on time" for the other activities and she's going to be ready for 1st grade.

 

Arrgh. Grrr. Grumble. I'm starting to realize this is a venting post, but I do appreciate any advice.

[ElizabethB]

:grouphug:

 

Can dad do some of the teaching? Or can some of it be online or computer based where you get her started and she works for a while, you check on her?

 

I like read, write, type for phonics and spelling and Kahn for math.

 

Or, have your husband deal with them and clearly explain the options: you either will help with dishes and clean and you will delay things 30 minutes, or not as much help with cleaning but leave when they want to leave.

 

I have some cross cultural communications notes and studies somewhere from a very good cross cultural communications class I took that might be helpful for understanding on all sides, especially for getting them to see your need for some alone time/down time. I will look to see if I can find them for you if you are interested.

[Anne in CA]

I agree with everyone else. Go to a bedroom or back porch, where you have a small amount of peace, and get it done. I also have been seen as unreasonable for having my kids do some school in the summer, but they had their turn and I am the mom now. As far as the DIL thing, do what you can in the evenings so that they are not too unhappy. Master the art of "looking busy". Every food server knows how to look busy when the boss is watching even though you have done all the work that can be done right now. This is an art worth knowing, lol. master it.

[TraceyS/FL]

I would have your DH address it with his father. Make it a "head of the household decision" and I have a feeling it will go over better than just coming across as your idea.

 

:grouphug: btdt with in-law issues related to schooling (everything?) and I didn't even have language/cultural issues to contend with. Hang in there - you can do it! And, maybe get the cousin involved in some of the nature study things you wanted to do this summer? Maybe she can help look stuff up?

[Eagle]

Find somewhere that you won't be disturbed (ie. a room where you can shut the door). Be consistent about the start time, and limit it to 30 minutes if that is your goal. 30 minutes does not sound like an unreasonable request that will put a damper on summer fun. If you tell people 30 minutes but then take an hour I can see grandparents fussing.

 

Make sure to tell them this is requested by the school. In fact, if I were you I would print out a chart that you can mark off every day to indicate 15 minutes was done in each subject. It will give your dd something to check off, and it makes your lessons look more like a requirement.

 

...

 

After re-reading your post I am thinking you are not staying in a home with them for the summer like I originally thought. Just tell them you aren't available before 10:30 (or whatever works for you) and then don't answer the phone during school time.

[trulycrabby]

My first husband was Turkish, and I have spent time in Turkey, not the coast, though. I might know the city you are referring to, but don't want to be stalkerish and name it on the internet.

 

Would the Grandfather be interested in teaching your daughter about the rich culture and history of coastal Turkey? I know they do not speak English, but Turkish is not a difficult language and your daughter will pick it up very quickly if she has not done so already.

 

I very much understand how nerve-wracking it is when there is not a common language Also, the expectations of what you are expected to do as the DIL. My Turkish in-laws were very relaxed and wonderfully sweet, but it was still tough. BTW, have you had the egg-lemon soup? I can still taste it, and the small glaases of tea. Lamb, not so much. Ugh, but at the coast you likely eat more seafood than lamb.

 

I think the idea of getting the lessons done as early in the day as possible is good, in a quiet, isolated place would also mean fewer questions.

[Giraffe]

Truly crabby, I'm in Izmir. It's not stalker-ish. And I'm not answering quickly because our Internet keeps getting cut. Can't tell if it's intentional or due to high traffic given what's going on here. Sigh...

 

Tea, my lifeblood. As a southern American I was already a tea drinker, but now I'm hardcore. I drink more of the yogurt and lentil soups, but the egg lemon is wonderful too.

 

DH isn't here right now (he's in the US, joining us in a couple of weeks) so I have to address it with FIL. And, strangely, I seem to have the better relationship with him. Who knows. I speak some Turkish, as does DD (better than I do!) and I can do this, I just needed encouragement and reassurance that I'm not being unreasonable. I will be sure to limit it to 30 minutes. You're right, I need to be true to my word. And a checklist will help FIL and DD. Excellent idea. DD loves her checklists!

 

I'll try to get the cousin in on the nature studies, but she despises anything that even whiffs of school. It's worth a shot. The grandfather is not a history guy. I might know more than he at this point, but I might ask him. He's a sweet guy, but extremely brusque. A true porcupine.

[Rosie_0801]

Will citing her teacher as an authority help?

[Giraffe]

Will citing her teacher as an authority help?

 

 

Good idea!

[TraceyS/FL]

Good idea!

I think that saying (if you can - can you practice via skype with your DH??) that there are concerns from the teacher/school on DDs progress for next year, and that you (teacher, DH and you) have agreed that the best course of action is to do 30 minutes a day of practice this summer so that his amazingly cute and smart granddaughter can advance to the next grade.

 

Use the guilt - make the teacher the bad guy if you have to - play to his "proud grandpa" side!

 

As for the cousin - play to the "show off" side???? LOL!

 

Hang in there - :grouphug:

[wintermom]

I need to do this because DD has been deemed "borderline" for first grade and I've been advised - repeatedly - to have her reading in English before school starts in the fall to avoid confusion between Turkish and English. She's ready - we just need to do it.

 

 

What does "borderline" refer to? Whether she will be accepted into the school? First grade? Who is it that has stated that there will be any confusion between Turkish and English? Do they have research to back up this claim? From all the research I've read, from the experiences of thousands of Candian children studying in bilingual programs, any initial confusion that may happen will be sorted out by the child quickly. Your dd doesn't HAVE to be able to read in English before she learns to read in Turkish. And just what level of reading is this school expecting, anyway? Sounds like a big black hole that I wouldn't spend any time worrying about during special family vacation time.

 

If I were you, I'd have my dd spend loads of time talking and listening to the grandparents who speak Turkish so that she is able to function in a Turkish school program. And that special bonding time with family may not be there in the future.

[zoobie]

I would talk to the grandparents and tell them what the school/teacher said and ask for their help. Tell them DD will want to run off and do fun things instead of school and ask that they help present a united front. You'll work with her first thing while everyone is still getting ready and her brain is fresh. School done, then off to play! Right now she loves schoolwork and you don't want her getting the idea that it's punishment or negative in any way. You know they want her to be successful in school and appreciate soooo much their helping you keep her on track.

 

I wouldn't touch the cousin with a 10 foot pole. ;)

[Giraffe]

 

 

What does "borderline" refer to? Whether she will be accepted into the school? First grade? Who is it that has stated that there will be any confusion between Turkish and English? Do they have research to back up this claim? From all the research I've read, from the experiences of thousands of Candian children studying in bilingual programs, any initial confusion that may happen will be sorted out by the child quickly. Your dd doesn't HAVE to be able to read in English before she learns to read in Turkish. And just what level of reading is this school expecting, anyway? Sounds like a big black hole that I wouldn't spend any time worrying about during special family vacation time.

 

If I were you, I'd have my dd spend loads of time talking and listening to the grandparents who speak Turkish so that she is able to function in a Turkish school program. And that special bonding time with family may not be there in the future.

 

We live here. She sees the grandfather weekly, at a minimum, and she's learning Turkish quite nicely. I understand what you're saying about the reading and agree with you, but there is an urgency in these teachers that leads me to believe they do know of what they speak when it comes to the system here. Turkish is a purely phonetic language - one letter one sound while English is not. The teachers I've spoken to are TEFL/CELTA trained and have been teaching here for a while so they have experience in this environment that I do not. So I am going to try to do what they recommend. DD is ready to read, desperate even, so it's not like I'm pushing her when she's not ready.

 

She went through K here and the teachers at her old school are the ones worried, as is the special education center she's been going to. Her new school is less worried, but more rigorous, so I want to be sure she's prepared. She was accepted into first grade but her father wants to be sure she'll succeed. So do I. And it's 30 minutes, not hours and hours.

[mumto2]

I would simply be honest and say that this is what you have been asked to do. That it is easiest to do it in the morning. Get dh a bit involved to show solidarity. Maybe make a big deal about skype conversations where dd shows him what she is learning.

 

Let dd show them how the rods work -- my fil was absolutely fascinated. I also hung words/sentences on the frig while we were learning. The grands liked seeing what we were doing that week--I did it so they could practice while I cooked!

[bolt.]

I'd be completely unphased by the pressure. I know that I am "fearfully and wonderfully made" in that I have virtually no intrinsic urge to please people or meet their expectations of me.

 

I'm the kind of person that would say, "We aren't ready yet. We'll be done in xyz minutes." -- like a broken record until the bystanders got the point. It doesn't matter if I think I need that 30 minutes in the morning for schooling, yoga, cleaning my room or picking my nose very thoroughly. My time belongs to me. When I'm ready to share it, I'll let people know. The 'broken record' effect with tell them that ( a ) you aren't planning on changing your ways, and ( b ) it's pointless to bother you repeatedly. They will learn to ask, "When will you be ready?" -- instead.

 

Now, I'm not completely inconsiderate. You've had good tips:

 

- Rise early-ish and eat early-ish (whatever that means in your context, just don't start the meal later than average for the household. Try to be 'ahead of the curve' so you are finished with eating before the bulk of others who are eating).

 

- Leave the area-of-puttering, and isolate yourselves somewhere out of the way, so that if they want you, they need to go looking for you (but for focus too, it' nice to be away from any bustle)

 

Now for my tips:

 

- Call it "tutoring" or a "daily tutorial" -- people take "tutoring" seriously.

 

- Outside of that 30 minutes that you have reserved... make occasional positive comments (about her progress) and explanatory comments (like, "Her teacher said she would benefit from daily tutorials. I don't think any of us want her to struggle in school next year.") Never discuss it when it is happening, or before it happens in the morning.

 

- At meals other than breakfast, be sure to 'carry your weight' by enthusiastically meeting post-meal female expectations of the household. (When your DH is there, encourage him to join the 'female' tasks too if he is willing/able.) Say things like, "You did this at breakfast. Why don't you take a break and I'll finish up here." -- to acknowledge that you are 'shifting' your contribution, not 'shirking' it.

 

- Try to be done at a semi-predictable time daily.

 

- Leave a 'normal morning task' until after the schooling is done... like brushing hair or something. That makes the "not ready" more tangible, so it's not that you 'could' just 'put those books down and join the fun'. You need to finish with the books, then do xyz, then you will be all ready.

 

- DON'T make full day exceptions. If anyone says, "Tomorrow we'd like an early start, could you just not..." Answer with, "OK, what time would you like to leave? -- Then let's have breakfast at X:00, then I will spend only 20 minutes and be ready at X:00. Will that suit you? Should we have an easy breakfast, maybe set it out the night before?" (On the other hand, if it's not 7 days a week, you could occasionally declare a "long weekend" or "professional day" or "field trip" or take "x-day" off and make up the session on Saturday -- just make sure that power is firmly in *your* hands [with DH, of course] and don't be pushed around. Be ready to say, "We already had a special day off within the last 2 weeks. We need a plan that includes her tutoring this time.")

 

I firmly believe that we teach people how to treat us. Everybody knows that people have quirks that they take *way* too seriously (in the eyes of the observers) and no matter how quirky it is, the bystanders cope just fine... once it's clear that the person is serious and determined about it. Tutoring your daughter is not quirky. It *is* serious -- but even if it wasn't, your relatives would do just fine getting used to any quirk at all. They've done it hundreds of times for hundreds of people. Just teach them that this is your "thing" and that it's not going to be shifted.

 

(Oh, and definitely keep her away from a resistant older child at schooling time. Don't even acknowledge that what they are trying to do with her is at all similar to what you are doing with your DD. Attitudes like that are contagious... and that's the *last* thing you need this summer.)

[Ecclecticmum]

I would explain the situation quietly, firmly and nicely. They can babble, whinge or say whatever they want after that, but it's pretty much "I have spoken, end of conversation". I won't respond back to any babbling unless its legitimate concerns/questions. I won't waste my breath arguing over something.

 

I would do what I can "culturally" to clean, and be a mother hen, and compromise over things less important, but education is one of the most important things, and non-negotiable. If I know I am going to have problems, I would be in a routine of eating breakfast, putting aside the dishes, grabbing my daughter and going inside a lockable room. I would put a notice on the door "homeschooling in progress" and not answer any knocks unless there was a fire or emergency. I would advise the family, again, quietly or firmly beforehand what I planned to do, if this was going to be the case (so they didn't think I was deliberately ignoring them, but that I had advised them, and if they wish to knock, they know why I am "ignoring" them). I would then do the school stuff, finish and unlock door, go out and wash dishes and clean the house. If they try to drag me to the beach or pounce on me once I leave the room, I would explain I need to go clear up breakfast first. Basically, if you are standing there washing up directly after eating, this gives time for child to wander off and in-laws/parents/family/friends to start harassing you. So simple steps 1. Shovel food down mouth 2. Grab child and lock yourselves in a room 3. Do school/ignore everything else 4. Clean up breakfast 5. Go to beach.

 

:)

[wintermom]

We live here. She sees the grandfather weekly, at a minimum, and she's learning Turkish quite nicely. I understand what you're saying about the reading and agree with you, but there is an urgency in these teachers that leads me to believe they do know of what they speak when it comes to the system here. Turkish is a purely phonetic language - one letter one sound while English is not. The teachers I've spoken to are TEFL/CELTA trained and have been teaching here for a while so they have experience in this environment that I do not. So I am going to try to do what they recommend. DD is ready to read, desperate even, so it's not like I'm pushing her when she's not ready.

 

She went through K here and the teachers at her old school are the ones worried, as is the special education center she's been going to. Her new school is less worried, but more rigorous, so I want to be sure she's prepared. She was accepted into first grade but her father wants to be sure she'll succeed. So do I. And it's 30 minutes, not hours and hours.

 

 

Hope all goes well for you this summer. Enjoy that special reading time. I LOVE the closeness of reading one-on-one with my little ones.

[sassenach]

Can you just disappear to the bedroom and not come out till you're done? Can you get up a little earlier? Is this a short term or long term thing? It's hard to tell from your post. If you're just going to the beach for a couple of days, could you just let the school stuff go?

 

 

[Lilaclady]

Can you and your dd have your breakfast a little earlier than the rest of the family and then use that time when they are having breakfast to do school work. 30 mins is not that long a time but you have to be consistent in doing it. Wishing u a fun and enjoyable summer

[trulycrabby]

"Truly crabby, I'm in Izmir"

 

I had guessed Izmir, but my first thought was Bodrum, but they are Halicarnasses not Homer. I never went to Izmir, just Istanbul and Ankura. My MIL was a lovely green eyed blonde, very unique to Turkey, what a melting pot that country is!

 

Is the family very traditional? If so, then FIL's word was law, and if he didnt want you to do lessons, then it would not happen. I'm explaining this more to the others who are not familiar with Turkish culture. However, many families are not like this, thankfully mine was not, and there are ways to get around it without rocking the boat. One would think no one would care if you wanted to spend 30 minutes a day doing lessons with your daughter; do you think perhaps it is because she is female and home life is emphasized more than school? I would be shocked if this was indeed the case, though. I have a feeling it has more to do with the politics of the family and you being perhaps the youngest wife in the family and lowest in the hierarchy, especially since you are American and thus "different"...in which case nothing you do is going to please anyone so you might as well put on your best bland face, ignore criticisms or comments, and do the lessons.

 

Best of luck to you navigating through in-laws and a completely different culture. The beaches are gorgeous, I've heard, eat some dolma for me!

[chiguirre]

When we spend time at the beach, I always take along reading material for Geezle to practice with. Everyone needs rest time in the shade and it's easy to get 15 minutes of reading done there. I'd do the math in the morning and then take the reading to the beach. This works particularly well if you can buddy read real books, not just practice readers. Full disclosure: my in-laws are readers so they bring books and newspapers to the beach too.

 

Do you have to teach English reading first? It's much easier to learn to read a purely phonetic language, so could you start with Turkish and then do English once your dd is reading fluently?

[Giraffe]

So sorry I haven't responded. The Internet has been a little spotty and was non-existent at the beach.

 

Amazingly, it went well. We ate, did our school, and went on with the day. The cousin wanted to do school with us so she "helped" me teach DD which was really her learning too. Keeping it to 30 minutes, being direct but friendly, and helping out at other times worked.

 

For those who wonder at the order of things (English before Turkish), I'm wondering too, but going with it. I have the time and resources and DD is ready.

 

I have made one concession: on days we go out on the boat we will do our schooling there. Oh geez, having to do school on the Mediterranean, such a sacrifice.... :p

 

Truly crabby, the family is not traditional, but the grandpa is a porcupine, all bristly even when he's being sociable. It's just his style. But yes, I'm the "gelen", the foreigner, the only DIL. I get points for wanting (insisting) on living here so that DD learns Turkish language and culture and making sacrifices to make that happen. Somehow it all works.

[Giraffe]

 

 

Is Turkish a phonetic language? If so, I can understand teaching English reading first. DD taught herself to read in the local language, which is completely phonetic, in one day — after she was already a good English reader. Learning to read English may be a frustrating venture if the kid is familiar with a "one letter, one sound" language, while picking up reading in that kind of language after they are already proficient English readers can be a real joy.

 

 

Yes, it's completely phonetic. What you say sounds familiar; that must be why they've suggested it.