Well intentioned child problem

[skimomma]

I have a small but reoccurring problem with my 9yo dd and want to know if others would have a problem with the situation or if I am just being a jerk.

 

Dd is so very sweet and is always looking for ways to be helpful and nice. She especially likes "surprising" her parents by doing things to help around the house.....especially in the kitchen. This is where we have a problem.

 

Money is pretty tight and we eat almost 100% organic/local/whole foods. To make this work, much of what we eat is home-made and I have to keep a very tight food preparation schedule and budget. I have a large white-board in the kitchen that helps me determine when to prep what food for each meal and therefore anyone can look at the board to see what each meal will be each day. Breakfasts usually revolve around local eggs with homemade toast or homemade yogurt/granola/fruit. However, both of these require ingredients that are both finite and/or require advanced prep. So some mornings we have to deviate from what the board says because we are running low on something. An accidentally dropped egg early in the week can change the breakfast meal days later, for example. And someone other than me might not know this. There might be a full container of yogurt in the fridge but only I know that I need it for another meal and therefore might swap out a yogurt breakfast for something else. I also need some yogurt left to make the next batch. There are several similar variations on that theme. I have talked about this with dd and that she needs to ask before doing anything for meals in the kitchen.

 

Despite these discussions, she will occasionally take it upon herself to set her own alarm and get up before us to "surprise" us with breakfast. It happened again this morning. She saw yogurt was on the menu and started the morning stuff. She made the coffee (awesome), fed the cats (awesome), then started making the yogurts. The last part was not so awesome. I had decided last night to pre-make smoothies for a surprise. This used up all but the little bit of yogurt I need to make the next batch. Well, dd spooned that all out and covered it in granola and berries. It was not enough yogurt for even one person (which would have been a clue) but she proceeded forward.

 

So, of course, I was not pleased when I came into the kitchen to see her "surprise." I did not get angry but she knew right away that things got screwed up and feels awful. We have talked and talked and talked about asking before doing. And I realize this could be avoided if I took the time to update the board when there is a change. But often, I do not know there will be a change until that morning when I assess the current food situation.

 

So, now I am peeved. I have had the same yogurt strain going for almost two years and now I have to buy new plain yogurt to use as a starter. I realize this does not sound like a big deal, but it is to me. Plus, we did not eat the smoothies I had already made so tomorrow's breakfast will now also be altered as well.

 

It is such a little thing, but I am irritated. Dd feels bad. Dh thinks I am being a jerk to be upset by this (he does not really understand how much time and thought goes into food prep at our house).

 

Dd and I have already gently talked (again) about why she needs to ask first. I know she gets it but I am also sure it will happen again. She honestly cannot help trying to be helpful. I do not want to kill her helpful spirit. And I will go the extra steps of trying to better record what is going to happen on the white board when possible.

 

I am not really looking for advice as much as wanting to know if anyone else would have had a problem with this situation or if I just need to get over myself. Which leads to the greater general question; should I foster helpfulness even if it is not really "helpful?"

[applethyme]

My sympathy is with your dd. Instead of being frustrated with her attempts at food prep perhaps be thankful that she wants to help.

 

If eating "100% organic/local/whole foods" is so difficult and causing family problems perhaps a little loosening of the restrictions would help?

[JustEm]

maybe you can make her responsible for one breakfast a week. you both figure it out together, if you need to change something before that day try to let her know. Or give her other ideas for which kind of surprises would be wonderful. Encourage her to continue to surprise the family by making coffee, feeding cat, cleaning up something, etc. And also, make sure that you are reminder that food surprises aren't helpful when she hasn't just surprised you. Try to talk about it regularly. Or tell her a great surprise would be if she came into the kitchen to help you while you were making breakfast (I'm sure its not actually helpful for you but its better than her current surprise)

[Murphy101]

I would have a problem with it too.

 

For me, it's the combination of issues that would irritate.

 

She's been told repeatedly. At 9, yes she absolutely can stop it.

 

Limited funds means messing up trashes the menu.

 

Rather than being helpful it's actually creating more work for you.

 

Any one of those things are just life some days. Repeated problem with all 3 is a PITA needing resolved.

 

I'd nicely tell her she can't make breakfast anymore without asking me first and I'd take the board menu down. It's not her fault she can't trust it. And I'd discuss the details of how this made things more difficult and how asking first will prevent those difficulties from now on.

[Word Nerd]

I would not discuss this particular incident with her any further, as it's already been addressed. I understand that it's upsetting, but what's done is done and she knows she should have asked. In the future, I would reiterate the need to ask first and not make "surprise" dishes—regardless of what is listed on the board. It's primarily a matter of following house rules, not helpfulness. Would it be possible to set aside some food supplies for her use?

[Butter]

I'd make a deal with her. She takes over breakfast on x days. I think it is darling that she wants to help. She even tried to make what was on the schedule. You knew it had changed, but she didn't.

[JustEm]

didn't read the last bit sorry. I wouldn't have had any problem with what your daughter did. I would pick loosening the food restrictions a bit in order to allow my child to surprise me with breakfast. Yes, just get over yourself. If you harp on this issue and discourage her without giving her other areas in which to be helpful (by still allowing it to be in the kitchen since that seems to be what she likes to do) then you may squash her desire to be helpful and a possible love for preparing food.

[Anne in CA]

Unfortunately some lessons are learned the hard way. Your system is important to you, and I get that it must take a lot of planning to make it work. She really does need to respect that. You are not a jerk for having a carefully planned system to feed your family well. If you were not mean or insulting (which I do not think it sounds like you were), then you have a right to express displeasure. One lesson I learned the hard way with my middle child is that good intentions do not fix disobedience. They just don't. He always has good intentions, but he needs to stay within the system given. I didn't expect it enough of him and now he struggles in other people's systems, lol.

[bolt.]

I think your dd is dealing with two desires that are intrinsically at-odds. It is generally impossible to both "surprise" people and "ask first"... And her desire to surprise people isn't going to go away... This calls for some creativity.

 

In reality, this one was "your mistake" -- since you deviated from the printed plan, and she abided by it. It was you that used up yogurt on an unnessisary idea (surprise smoothies) and she who behaved responsibly with the supplies available. The chronology doesn't matter because logically it was your actions that used up the yogurt... So I'm thinking its on you to update the plan whenever possible, and to accept full responsibility for any fallout if not doing so... And this is awfully minor fallout.

 

She's only going to get older and more kitchen-involved... So teamwork snd communication ideas might need to replace your sole-cook planning method.

[luvnlattes]

I don't think you're being a "jerk." I understand wanting to foster an admirable trait in your child, however for me, this would boil down to disobedience. You have explained several times to your daughter that she needs to ask before doing anything in the kitchen regarding meals and she is not following this "rule."

 

She sounds like the type of child who really wants to do the right thing and be helpful so maybe having a discussion with her along those lines, explaining that you understand and appreciate her trying to help but when she does it after you've asked her not to and even explained why, now she is being disobedient by not following your rules. Once she sees it like that, it may be enough to get her to stop these particular surprises.

[Laurie4b]

And I realize this could be avoided if I took the time to update the board when there is a change. But often, I do not know there will be a change until that morning when I assess the current food situation.

 

So, now I am peeved. I have had the same yogurt strain going for almost two years and now I have to buy new plain yogurt to use a a starter. I realize this does not sound like a big deal, but it is to me. Plus, we did not eat the smoothies I had already made so tomorrow's breakfast will now also be altered as well.

 

It is such a little thing, but I am irritated. Dd feels bad. Dh thinks I am being a jerk to be upset by this (he does not really understand how much time and thought goes into food prep at our house).

 

 

 

When the whole consequence is buying a new container of plain yogurt, it is not a big deal. So I would encourage you to honestly explore why it is a big deal to you or why the system that you have that makes it a big deal is so important to you. I agree with your dh that the reaction is out of proportion to a nonoffense. This reveals more of a need to look at what's going on in you than it does about how to teach your dd to be helpful.

 

There is a lot that sounds perfectionistic and perhaps even obsessive-compulsive about your general approach to food. That is hard to live with for others. My guess is that it is creating anxiety in your daughter. So while you may be feeding her the "perfect" diet, you may be feeding her the equivalent of emotional pesticides. Maybe you're not actually that way personality-wise but the whole organic deal has essentially forced that approach because it's so expensive to eat purely that way.

 

I have read on these boards and elsewhere many mothers who regretted their "have to make my own bread from wheat berries" approach to life and wished they had been less about the perfect food and more about their kids. I've never read it the other way around. (Not that someone who fed their kids French fries and Twinkies might not regret that, but I've never heard anyone who served reasonably healthy food wish they had spent more time in the kitchen.)

 

If your dh doesn't understand how much effort all this takes, maybe you should tell him. And then decide together if this is really such an overarching value that it trumps so many others. My guess is that your original reason was to benefit your family. But it sounds like the cost is way too high emotionally to you and your daughter.

 

I would also consider running this by a therapist if it's really hard for you to adjust your behavior around this issue.

 

Many people compromise on the organic stuff so that they buy the "dirty dozen" only organically and eat the rest with peace of mind.

[elegantlion]

My opinion, 9 year olds don't get the food budget. Going over it again and again doesn't change the fact they haven't budgeted their own money and don't realize the stress it creates for you when surprises pop up. So, her attempt to surprise you was met with what could be seen as rejection in her eyes. For some people, kids included, "acts of service" can be a love language. They just want to do things for others. Stopping that COULD create some hard feelings in her.

 

How much food prep does she help with? If not, I'd get her involved, not bringing up today. Help her find other ways to surprise people within the restraints of your eating habits.

 

I always try to look at the intention of my child's action. Even if they create extra stress in the immediate, I consider if this is something age appropriate or outright defiance. If correction needs to be made and no one is physically injured, I usually layer in correction over the next few days in "teaching moments" not huffs of anger. I grew up with a parent that would fly off in a rage at the slightest insult. It damaged our relationship for a long time - so I steer toward gentle correction when possible.

[Blessed Mommy]

I have a nine year old daughter, and she is EXACTLY how you have described your daughter! I sought advice from some close friends regarding a very similar issue. They pointed out that because my husband and I had sat down and repeatedly told her she needed to ASK before preparing a "surprise" meal, when she chooses to proceed without asking, even though she thinks she's helping, it's disobedience. So, the next time this came up, we AGAIN reminded her of our previous discussions and explained how she had disobeyed. Because she disobeyed, she was punished. I have been allowing her to prepare lunch for everyone, and this has really helped! She feels like she's being helpful, but it's under my supervision and with permission!

[sparrow]

Sweet girl. Get her involved with the menu planning and put things on there that she can't "mess up".

[Tita Gidge]

I'd be frustrated, but I'd still think I was being a jerk.

 

I think intentions count for something.

 

I know it's hard being a born-planner living with a born-helper. Mostly I know this from the born-helper's POV ;) It sounds like you really are trying to appreciate where she's coming from, and that it's the realities of her actions that are the true issue. I think some of your frustration is justified (running low on supplies) and some are things you just need to shrug off a bit more easily (new starter). I get a sense that you realize that, which is why you posted.

 

Reasons I'd feel like I was being a jerk ... because people matter more than things. This isn't an invitation for her to go hog-wild helping, because it IS causing you stress. Rather it's an invitation for you to think about what will matter more in ten years - the one day breakfast went awry or the pride she felt in helping. There's a middle ground where you two need to meet - you have to figure out how to harness her help. It sounds like she'd be open to it. Whether it's taking the advice upthread about assigning her meals to prepare or giving her another outlet ... work with her. It's who she is, just as much as you are a planner. When you over-react to these things, you are taking blows at her person. That's a bigger worry IMO than her deciding one day to no longer "help."

 

Google the short story: The Wooden Bowl. How is your frustration today affecting your relationship tomorrow?

 

Both of you are who you are. Try to remember her intentions, and work together to find a way she can continue "being her" without making it hard for you to "be you" - prioritize the relationship, not the meal and not the plan.

[Tita Gidge]

I also love Laurie4B's post.

 

I'm someone who eats all organic, avoids plastics/metals, etc.

 

We grew our own food for most of my life. We were organic before it was called that and when it was only poor people who ate that way LOL. So I do get where you're coming from in wanting the best nutritional environment. I like how Laurie worded it - emotional pesticides. So true.

[Carolyn in Ohio]

I don't think you are being a jerk at all. Unfortunately, some "help" just is not helpful and it is hard for kids to learn this. Nine is old enough to understand - it's not a 3 year old decorating cookies, and of course you would expect a huge mess. I think you should let her do breakfast one or 2 days a week if she wants to, but go over the menu and ingredients before hand, even separating out the exact amounts with her the night before.

 

don't feel bad

Carolyn

[skimomma]

Thanks so much for the replies so far. As I expected, people run the range of taking issue with it to think I am being a jerk:) Dd really loves to work in the kitchen. She makes dinner for the family once a week (she picks the recipe and does the shopping herself) and therefore is very confident. To be clear, she did not get in trouble this morning nor did I get "angry." But I did tell her that using up the yogurt meant that we were out of starter for the next batch. I think it is appropriate for her to know that because it is true.

 

It is a bit of a conflict. My bad for not updating the board....even though the board is really for my own use only. I will be better about this when I can be. And her bad for not following the house rule of asking before doing in the meal department. Had this been a one time thing, I would not be bothered. Because it has happened many times now, I am getting progressively more bothered.

 

I very much like the idea of setting aside a morning or two where she takes care of breakfast by herself. The timing of that day or two could even mean she could pick what she prepares and I can plan to use the other ingredients different days. I know she would like the whole thing to be a total surprise but that might be a good compromise.

[Um_2_4]

I think that since SHE FOLLOWED YOUR BOARD/PLAN, she is only being helpful and you have no reason to be upset imho. And a 9yo I don't think would open the container and say "hmm, maybe that is not enough yogurt for everyone, maybe I should wait for mom". She trusts you, if you planned that meal, you must know how much yogurt was left.

 

If you do not want others to see/use your plan then you need to put it in a private place (like a notebook, etc) and assign her 1-2 days to do breakfast. Also some post-its or notes and scotch tape to label things in the fridge/pantry : "Reserved for Fri dinner", "Do not use, need for starter", etc.

 

That may help, but it sounds like part of what she enjoys is surprising you. So that may not satisfy that need she feels. So find some other way to do it. People are important and her feelings matter. Can she bake surprises for you? Can you relax a bit of your standards to allow some room in the budget for baking supplies just for her use to make you surprise muffins/scones/biscuits/raisin bread/cookies/homemade breakfast bars or the like??? This may be how she expresses love and allowing her an outlet to do so might relieve some of the stress you feel about it. (Which I would take a hard look at that (your stress level re: food) also.)

 

 

(ETA: I totally get the budget and limited amount of xx item till next shopping day and the planning. We have dietary restrictions and religious requirements for our source of meat, so I do truly understand. I am also SUPER careful about waste, I use up everything and save the last xx veges for broth/soup etc. We just ate of 1 chicken for 3 days, I get it. But I am flexible if DH or one of the kids wants x for dinner instead of y. I have a list of lunches/dinners. Some days I don't want that dish, or ran short on time. And I have x in the budget for snacks/lunches/etc and the kids know that is all the x item(grapes or peaches,etc.) till next monday. So they self regulate(well the olders do). 1 each per day or they can choose to have 2 each for 3 days, then that's it. )

[Lisa R.]

It sounds like you were both trying to "surprise" the family. You with the smoothies and she with breakfast.

 

According to your description, you are one egg away, literally, from altering your meal plan. This isn't a result of a tight money situation as much as it is your food choices on what items to buy your family. i.e. locally grown and organic and thus more expensive. In other words, your tightly-controlled food situation is a choice that you are making. Ever talked to a child who had tightly controlled food in their house growing up? (Again, I'm talking about situations where the control is not about money.) They can often have unhealthy views on food when they grow up. I just think we need to be really, really careful on how we handle and view food. It's possible you may be creating more problems than you are solving.

 

Here's another way to look at it: what memories do you want your children to have of growing up in your house? Food that is really healthy and nutritious is unlikely to make an impression on kids until they are much older. Do you want them to remember peace and graciousness? Generosity? Your daughter has a gift of helpfulness. That is wonderful to cultivate and encourage, even if done in a clumsy way that inconveniences you. Cultivated now will bring you dividends later when she is older, more aware, and more competent.

 

I don't know if this will help, but here is a story from years ago. We had recently splurged and put travertine tile in our master bath. As it is natural stone, it is porous and this particular tile could not be sealed. I knew we had to take great care in cleaning it but wasn't worried because I would be the only one doing it. After all, who would ever volunteer to clean a bathroom? Well, one day my two youngest "surprised" me by cleaning the bathroom. They had accidentally dripped the toilet bowl cleaner on the tile floor. There were several places where this was dripped that immediately caused permanent marks. So discouraging as we spend more to get the natural stone but now it was permanently marred. I still see those spots when I look at the floor from certain angles. It really isn't that noticeable to anyone but me. When I see them now, years later, I try to remember that their hearts were in the right place. I would be heartbroken if I looked back on that day and had showed them disappointment or frustration.

 

So, I would gently suggest that you reconsider how you use your food budget. I know you are doing this for sincere and good reasons. Sometimes, though, when we are a purist about things, we can frustrate those around us.

[MomatHWTK]

I think as our children get older, we all have to adjust to the fact that it's not all "ours." It would be nice if no one ever filled the space I just cleared, or moved the book I left on that particular table, but I don't think it is likely to happen. :)

[Jean in Newcastle]

Either -

 

1. Tell her she can do any and all surprises but cannot do anything with yogurt

 

2. Run to the store and buy some plain organic yogurt if and when this happens.

 

or 3. Have her help you make some new starter. (I don't know how homemade yogurt works but it must start somewhere, right?)

[Forget-Me-Not]

I'm curious--if the plan HADN'T changed and it was supposed to yogurt for breakfast today, and she got up and prepared it for everyone, would you still have been upset with her or perceived this as disobedience? It's not her fault the board wasn't changed. It's not her fault that she is only 9 and doesn't have the years of experience preparing family meals to tell her that that there wasn't enough yogurt to go around.

[skimomma]

I don't think it is that unusual to have a tight budget or for one to manage household food so that it gets turned over on a regular basis and little gets wasted. We don't have strict food rules, dd does a lot of cooking, and she did not get in trouble. I think some people are over-reacting a little here. I identified in the first post that this was partially my own fault for not updating the white board. I also indicated in the OP that I feel dd is also at fault because she has been asked repeatedly to not make breakfast (specifically) because we do often run right up to the end of things the day before grocery/CSA/farm day. We are a small family, we have a small kitchen, and we have a small budget....is it so unusual to run low on perishables at the end of a week? I am not really sure where people are getting that I am a purist or that we have a lot of strict rules about food. We do have rules about preparing meals without asking first and I am simply asking for opinions on how upset (or not) I should be when they are not followed.

[ktgrok]

come up with other ways she can "surprise you" and also put a BIG note right on the meal prep board reminding everyone not to mess with food before asking.

[Joker]

I'm curious--if the plan HADN'T changed and it was supposed to yogurt for breakfast today, and she got up and prepared it for everyone, would you still have been upset with her or perceived this as disobedience? It's not her fault the board wasn't changed. It's not her fault that she is only 9 and doesn't have the years of experience preparing family meals to tell her that that there wasn't enough yogurt to go around.

 

This is what I'm kind of wondering too. You say it's been an ongoing issue. Has every time she's surprised you involved her using something you had planned for something else, or have there been times she's surprised you and it's been welcome and fine because everything was listed correctly on the board? If the ongoing problem is everyone knows the board lists what's upcoming and you consistently fail to update then I would think you should work on changing how/when you update. She wants to help and stuck to what you had on the board, so I cannot imagine being upset with her. I get you've asked her to stop but I would really rethink that (especially since she's sticking to the plans you've laid out).

[Murphy101]

I think as our children get older, we all have to adjust to the fact that it's not all "ours." It would be nice if no one ever filled the space I just cleared, or moved the book I left on that particular table, but I don't think it is likely to happen. :)

 

No one said it was. But if I repeatedly said, "please leave that book where I put it so it's where I can find it when I need it unless you ask first" and they keep taking it anyways and sure enough now I need it and no one knows where it is, then yeah, I'm going to be justly annoyed and irritated.

 

Is it normal for that to happen?

 

Sure.

 

It's also normal to let them know it's not appreciated and to knock it off.

 

My kids leave their stuff all over the place and I still tell them not to do it and to put things where they go and eventually, like just about every mom, I'm likely to get fed up with it and lay down some rules if it becomes a habitual problem.

 

I don't think that's all that unreasonable or mean or even uncommon. I also don't think it's power tripping or controlling. It just sounds like life parenting kids to me. *shrug*

[Forget-Me-Not]

Perhaps this should have been JAWM. That being said, I would strongly urge you to consider how your rigidity about food prep is contributing to contention within your family. She's a nine yr old kid. They screw up and make messes. Even after being reminded. She tried to do something kind. Take it at face value.

[itsheresomewhere]

Truthfully, I have never heard of using a board and getting upset if it changes. Most people who menu plan I know are go with the flow people and have several recipes for each day if the original meal doesn't sound good.

 

I do think you are overreacting. Is there anyway you can set up a small way every morning she can surprise you with? For example- list five things that need to be done today and she can choose one to do. Cutting up veggies, folding mount laundry, hunting dust bunnies are examples. Do you have the space for her to have her own small garden? Then anything she grows could be use an any way she feels to surprise you.

[skimomma]

I'm curious--if the plan HADN'T changed and it was supposed to yogurt for breakfast today, and she got up and prepared it for everyone, would you still have been upset with her or perceived this as disobedience?

 

I actually took myself through this same exercise this morning when I was reflecting on the whole situation. This very scenario has happened a few times now. Despite being asked not to, she has made breakfast and there was no planning/supply problem. While appreciative, both dh and I on separate occasions have reminded her about the rule and asked her to not do this. But I have a hard time calling it "disobedience" and dd is very sensitive so I would never call it that. More like letting her heart get ahead of her head. In dh's case, she used the stove while unsupervised, which is another no-no and he was concerned. So, yes, I would still be irritated. I would never yell or punish over this. We are not yellers and dd is usually corrected with simple discussion, punishment is almost never ever used. But she is very very sensitive and knows when I am not pleased even though I don't say anything. Really, I am just looking for how others would feel i my situation. Not so much an evaluation on our diet, budget, or mental health:)

[Murphy101]

I don't think it is either. I also don't see how you over reacted. It's not like you ripped into her or something. You stated that she disobeyed you and the result was not a very helpful surprise bc if x, y, z results. Big whoop.

 

I don't think the desire to surprise someone negates whether it's helpful or not. If she knows she isn't supposed to make breakfast without asking first, then she wasn't being kind or surprising - she was disobeying. There's other ways to surprise that don't involve disobeying you.

 

And you admitted the white board was your fault. I'd take it down. You can always choose to keep it in a more personal location on paper for your personal reference.

 

It really doesn't sound like that big of deal to me. I think the responses are far more excessive than you were.

 

I don't think it is that unusual to have a tight budget or for one to manage household food so that it gets turned over on a regular basis and little gets wasted. We don't have strict food rules, dd does a lot of cooking, and she did not get in trouble. I think some people are over-reacting a little here. I identified in the first post that this was partially my own fault for not updating the white board. I also indicated in the OP that I feel dd is also at fault because she has been asked repeatedly to not make breakfast (specifically) because we do often run right up to the end of things the day before grocery/CSA/farm day. We are a small family, we have a small kitchen, and we have a small budget....is it so unusual to run low on perishables at the end of a week? I am not really sure where people are getting that I am a purist or that we have a lot of strict rules about food. We do have rules about preparing meals without asking first and I am simply asking for opinions on how upset (or not) I should be when they are not followed.

[Tita Gidge]

You've handled the replies graciously.

 

I wonder if you can edit it to set up a poll?

 

I can't speak for the others, but I'd have voted instead of commenting had that been an option. LOL

[skimomma]

Truthfully, I have never heard of using a board and getting upset if it changes. Most people who menu plan I know are go with the flow people and have several recipes for each day if the original meal doesn't sound good.

 

 

 

I hesitate to respond to this since it is somewhat off topic. But yes, of course plans change, meals get swapped out, we decide to go for ice cream instead of dinner, etc..... No one is going to starve in my house due to this morning's incident. We'll eat the smoothies tomorrow, I will buy new starter, and life will go on perfectly fine. It is not a big deal. But we do have rules to avoid unnecessary disruption of the plans. Dd is in the kitchen almost daily helping me or working on her own projects....after she has asked and is being supervised to a level we are comfortable with.

 

My bigger question is how people (in general) feel about (minor) and repeated "disobedience" in situations in which the child has good intentions. Especially if that child is sensitive.

[trinchick]

You said earlier that it was awesome that she made the coffee. Had that been previously approved? Was that also disobedience?

[skimomma]

 

 

I do think you are overreacting. Is there anyway you can set up a small way every morning she can surprise you with? For example- list five things that need to be done today and she can choose one to do. Cutting up veggies, folding mount laundry, hunting dust bunnies are examples. Do you have the space for her to have her own small garden? Then anything she grows could be use an any way she feels to surprise you.

 

This is a great idea! There are many many things dd could do unsupervised before we wake up that would be welcome and surprising. I could make a list of 100 (at least). She already has an extensive garden and I have no idea what she planted in it. And she has helped be GREATLY in getting in and tending to our family garden.

[Word Nerd]

It really doesn't sound like that big of deal to me. I think the responses are far more excessive than you were.

 

 

I agree. I think some PPs have overreacted and are reading things into the OP that aren't there.

[skimomma]

You said earlier that it was awesome that she made the coffee. Had that been previously approved? Was that also disobedience?

 

We make cone coffee with boiling water from the stove. She is allowed to grind the coffee, prepare the cones, fill the kettle with water, but is not to start the stove until one of us is there. That is what she did this morning. She prepped but did not start the stove.....this time anyway. It has been a problem in the past. Same with eggs. She saw eggs on the board and fired up the stove for the frying pan. Again, she was not "punished" but dh had a much more serious talk with her about following the stove rule after that incident.

 

It is all related. All of the rules surrounding breakfast prep have reasons behind them. Obviously the safety-related ones are easier for her to understand and clearly easier for others to understand. The planning-related rules are harder for her to grasp and therefore follow. After the first few incidents, we laid out what is allow...feeding the cats, prepping the coffee, getting the dishes, pans, utensils, and silverware out, even getting the ingredients out. The line that was crossed this morning was putting it all together before asking. In other incidents the line was crossed when the stove got turned on.

[trinchick]

I agree that anything involving safety (such as boiling the water or cooking on the stove) warrants a stern response. And while the disobedience is frustrating for things that are inconvenient (e.g., causes a mess or requires replanning of meals), it's not worth making her upset or sad when her heart is in the right place - especially where you say she is a sensitive child. People are people; kids are kids. I don't think it's fair to expect kids to be perfectly obedient in all instances. The intent IMO outweighs the offense.

 

The reason we make many of the rules we do for our children is to help teach them to be good people. It sounds like you've done a great job on that front. I'd work to cultivate her kind-heartedness and generosity over outright obedience.

[lea1]

I can see how you would be annoyed and also very careful how you approach her with that, since you don't want to discourage her helpful attitude. It sounds like you handled it very nicely, considering she had been told multiple times to ask first. She sounds like such a sweet girl with such a helpful attitude. Maybe you could start thinking about how she can be more help to you in the kitchen long term and start moving her in that direction (it sounds as if you are already doing this some though). Maybe if your breakfast menu consists of the same 5 or 6 things that get rotated, you could have her help you with breakfast long enough that she would start understanding things like the yogurt situation (we don't use the last bit because we need it to make the next batch) and other special rules or processes you follow while making breakfast. She obviously wants to help out and seems to look forward to taking on more responsibility in the kitchen, which is great in the long run for you and for her. It sounds like she just needs to learn more about the process you follow for the various meals.

 

All in all, I think it is a good problem to have, even though I can see how it could be frustrating at times.:)

[Jean in Newcastle]

 

I hesitate to respond to this since it is somewhat off topic. But yes, of course plans change, meals get swapped out, we decide to go for ice cream instead of dinner, etc..... No one is going to starve in my house due to this morning's incident. We'll eat the smoothies tomorrow, I will buy new starter, and life will go on perfectly fine. It is not a big deal. But we do have rules to avoid unnecessary disruption of the plans. Dd is in the kitchen almost daily helping me or working on her own projects....after she has asked and is being supervised to a level we are comfortable with.

 

My bigger question is how people (in general) feel about (minor) and repeated "disobedience" in situations in which the child has good intentions. Especially if that child is sensitive.

 

The answer to your question is that I wouldn't make it a matter of disobedience. It is only disobedience because you make it so. Your dd's heart is right and I prefer to focus on relationships and not schedules or meal plans.

[elegantlion]

My bigger question is how people (in general) feel about (minor) and repeated "disobedience" in situations in which the child has good intentions. Especially if that child is sensitive.

 

 

 

As for my child there have been a lot of redirection of efforts or realizing it didn't really matter in the long run. I try to apply "will it matter in 5 years" to any given situation. Safety, yes. Food, not so much. I also remember that some kids, especially sensitive ones, need gentle ongoing correction. Some kids you can tell them once and that's it, but some need to be reminded over and over and over for what seems like years. It's like the joke about saying I love you. The man says I told you I loved you when we got married, if that changes I'll let you know. Some people need to hear I love you over and over to believe it. Liking that to discipline and reiteration of rules.

 

As a side note, I've never gotten breakfast made for me and would love it. Ds just isn't the "acts of service" kid.

[gardenmom5]

you're dd sounds like a gem. yes, foster helpfullness, she will grow into an extraordinary young woman. lessons in what is actually helpful vs what seems helpful can also help. walk her through your thought processes of how you do meal prep. get her invovled by giving her assignments so she learns how you run your kitchen and why. yes, you need to relax. she's nine.

[myfunnybunch]

In your shoes, I would be really tempted to treat this situation as one of obedience/disobedience. But when I'm faced with an issue where obedience and another desirable character quality are at odds with one another, I try to find a way to honor both. It sounds to me as though your dd was trying to listen to and follow your concerns over using food in an unplanned way by following your plan; she had no way of knowing that the plan was no longer the plan. She was trying to honor your boundaries and still satisfy her desire to delight you. As a parent, I'd try to find a way to balance obedience and service for her. I'd make her a "surprise basket" of her own, stored in the pantry, and full of healthy ingredients that will allow her to serve and delight you without disrupting your food plan. It would allow her to satisfy her need to give and serve her family while remaining obedient to your boundaries.

[LaughingCat]

I have a child who loves to do things for other people - and because of this, I think it's very important for her to understand that doing something trying to be helpful does not actually mean it is helpful. "Heart is in the right place" does not mean she succeeded at what she was attempting to do. I am not talking about a child who needs "kudos" just for taking the first step of trying to help (which is where I think many of the comments are coming from). My DD has a "helping heart" and will be "helping" - what she needs is instruction/direction to learn how to actually be helpful.

 

I tell her I appreciate the thought and this was not the correct thing to do to help me. I do let her see when she has irritated me and I tell her outright that wanting to help is not the same as helping. I try to suggest what would have actually helped me instead. I also make sure to thank her when she is succeeding at being very helpful. I wish I had better advice though (this is NOT my strong area - DD takes after DH here) and would love to hear from others with "helping heart" children.

[skimomma]

I have a child who loves to do things for other people - and because of this, I think it's very important for her to understand that doing something trying to be helpful does not actually mean it is helpful. "Heart is in the right place" does not mean she succeeded at what she was attempting to do. I am not talking about a child who needs "kudos" just for taking the first step of trying to help (which is where I think many of the comments are coming from). My DD has a "helping heart" and will be "helping" - what she needs is instruction/direction to learn how to actually be helpful.

 

I tell her I appreciate the thought and this was not the correct thing to do to help me. I do let her see when she has irritated me and I tell her outright that wanting to help is not the same as helping. I try to suggest what would have actually helped me instead. I also make sure to thank her when she is succeeding at being very helpful. I wish I had better advice though (this is NOT my strong area - DD takes after DH here) and would love to hear from others with "helping heart" children.

 

 

Actually this was very helpful. It sounds like your child is very similar to mine and it helps me to know that people do understand this situation. I know there is no "magic solution" to this very minor problem. We have similar incidents outside of the kitchen and looking back, I could have found a better example to share on this board that would have taken the focus off of food in general....which I know is a hot-button issue for many here. It just happened to be the latest and "freshest" example of the ongoing conflict between good intentions and family rules.

 

It reminds me of the time a relative's kids "washed" her car "just like daddy" as a surprise. They apparently thought daddy used gravel in that bucket....not water. At least I am just out some yogurt starter and not a $2000 body shop bill......

[Word Nerd]

The answer to your question is that I wouldn't make it a matter of disobedience. It is only disobedience because you make it so. Your dd's heart is right and I prefer to focus on relationships and not schedules or meal plans.

 

 

Isn't that always the case when kids violate house rules (which can vary pretty widely from one family to another)? The existing rule in OP's house is to ask before preparing meals and using the stove. What others think of the OP's house rules is moot and has no bearing on whether her DD disobeyed. Her DD went against the house rules, and her good intentions don't change that. In the grand scheme of things, it isn't a big deal—but neither was the OP's rather mild reaction. She didn't punish or yell at her DD.

 

I'm having a hard time understanding what is so unreasonable about expecting a 9-year-old to ask before cooking something—whether a food budget is tight or not.

[Alexigail]

It sounds like you have a wonderful giving child. I think the fact that you're asking this question and carefully considering her upbringing says a lot about the kind of mom you are. Good Luck and don't be too hard on yourself!

[Eagle]

Seeing that she didn't use the stove, followed what was on the board, and made breakfast out of the kindness from her heart, I would be thrilled.

 

We have fairly extreme food restrictions due to allergies. All our food is from scratch and requires expensive ingredients. When one eats the last slice of bread we can't just buy more from the store -- it is going to involve a lot of time to make a new loaf. I understand.

 

Your ds knows food is a big deal in your house. It is special. She sees you taking a lot of time making things to share out of love for your family. She wants to help -- saving you time (in her eyes), and expressing her love back to you. From my experience with (and as) a sensitive child I can imagine she didn't understand why you weren't happy with her surprise.

 

I hope you can find a way for her to continue, even if it involves modifying the house rules. Safety rules must be followed. They should be printed out and posted in the kitchen. Permission must be sought for making anything *unless* following the weekly food chart. Making food for others is one way she has learned from you on expressing love -- I would encourage it.

[skimomma]

 

Isn't that always the case when kids violate house rules (which can vary pretty widely from one family to another)?

 

 

I agree. We have several house rules (that apply to adults as well) that are only "rules" because we made them rules. They are not safety rules. They are please-do-these-things-so-things-run-smoothly-around-here rules. We take muddy shoes off so I don't have to mop every day. We put our own laundry in the hampers so dh doesn't spend extra time hunting down dirty clothing. We turn unused lights off so we don't use more electricity than we need. Etc.... These vary from house to house and from reason to reason. Occasionally forgetting these rules is not a big deal but when it happens frequently, I do think gentle correction has its place. Maybe dd left the muddy shoes on because she was really excited to bring me the bouquet of flowers she just picked. The first time it happened, I would be inclined to honor her gesture over the house rule. After a few times though, it is appropriate to discuss adherence to the rule.

[skimomma]

It sounds like you have a wonderful giving child. I think the fact that you're asking this question and carefully considering her upbringing says a lot about the kind of mom you are. Good Luck and don't be too hard on yourself!

 

 

Thank you.