Kid with bad temper

[SquirrellyMama]

How do you help a kid with a bad temper. Said child is 10 yrs old. I can ground him from things that bring out the temper but I can't keep him away from them forever. What else can I do?

 

Kelly

[bolt.]

At 10, most adult anger management techniques will be easy to apply quite directly, so all you will need to do is read a book or two -- or some good websites -- and teach him what he needs to know. As his parent, it is your responsibility to help him learn to cope with his personality and emotions -- so, you've got a bit of extra work on this front with this child.

 

Once you have gathered some good ideas that might help him, approach him with cookies and let him know clearly that you understand that he probably hates loosing his temper just as much as you do -- and that from now on you and he are going to work together to "win" by not letting his angry feelings carry him away.

 

Then, using age-appropreate language and demonstrations teach him one method. Tell him that you expect him to try it. Have him act it out in a few role-play scenarios. If you like, offer him a reward for every time he tries to use it.

 

Talk about this technique daily *before* anything goes wrong... Always with a "we can do it!" Attitude of positive teamwork. Also, bring it up when he is in a situation that didn't make him angry, but it could have. Ask him, "I see that xyz didn't make you feel angry, but if it had, what could you have fine about your angry feeling?"

 

Make a big deal when he successfully uses a technique. Make a small deal ("Better luck next time.") if things go the normal way. Gradually add more options to his tool box every week or two and encourage him to see which ones work best. Don't expect too much too fast -- these are very hard skills to learn at any age.

 

Give you and him a couple of month to try to make some progress this way. It should work slowly but surely -- but if you are getting absolutely nowhere consider getting a therapist to help him increase his ability to respond appropriately to his anger.

[SquirrellyMama]

Thank you, I'll search around for some resources.

 

Kelly

[Tita Gidge]

I always like posts by bolt. :)

 

This time is no different. This is one of those situations where you have to toe the line between punishing (grounding) and disciplining (working together to correct a character flaw). It's hard because on the one hand you're like, OMG he's ten and still throwing fits??! But on the other hand, some kids really do need that one-on-one to overcome their problem - even when we think they should mature out of it (mostly) on their own.

 

Agreeing with bolt. that you need to approach this outside of any specific scenario. It's like learning manners, or prayers, or speech - but it's learning anger management and/or self-control. It's not discussed or worked on in the heat of a situation, rather it's pro-actively addressed in a way that offers him tools to manage his frustrations. He won't find it fun, but if it needs to be done ... well, it needs to be done!

[Jean in Newcastle]

Are the things that trigger the temper, computer games? The reason I ask is because in some kids computer games (esp. first person shooters) can release certain chemicals in the brain. This can lead to addiction problems but also anger. If that is the case, anger management itself isn't going to work.

[SquirrellyMama]

Are the things that trigger the temper, computer games? The reason I ask is because in some kids computer games (esp. first person shooters) can release certain chemicals in the brain. This can lead to addiction problems but also anger. If that is the case, anger management itself isn't going to work.

 

Computer games can but it has more to do with competition. When he was really little it would be board games that would make him lose his temper. It wasn't a big deal when he played baseball. He didn't seem to care much if he lost a game. It can happen if he thinks his sisters are going to finish school work before him also.

 

Kelly

[gardenmom5]

I would look at physiological things. diet. sleep. etc. dudeling is intolerant of nitrates, and removing them from his diet did wonders for his moods. I'm on specialized lists where other mom's have had miracles regarding agressiviness and anger by removing artificial dyes.

 

I remember one kid it was chedder cheese. He could have jack and almost any other kind, but chedder just set him off. It would start after he ate it - and he ate it without complaint.