Can I get feedback on a cover letter from you all?

[Abbeygurl4]

My daughter is applying for a new position within her company and she asked me for feedback on her cover letter, but I don't know what to look for. I copied and pasted below but I can't get it to be single spaced.

 

 

 

June 10, 2013

 

 

 

To Whom It May Concern:

 

 

 

I am writing in regard to the Project Manager, Commercialization – Mast Global job posting. I

 

 

 

have over six years of experience with Limited Brands, Inc. and am currently looking to take on a

 

 

 

new challenge within the company and to grow as an associate.

 

 

 

During my tenure with Limited Brands, I was a Compliance Auditor and have been promoted to

 

 

 

Senior Compliance Auditor within Global Compliance. In these roles, I have led and performed

 

 

 

many reviews of various global trade procedures and requirements as well as reviews of

 

 

 

factory compliance. I also have experience in leading and training other associates, analyzing

 

 

 

audit results and providing recommendations to leadership for process improvements, and

 

 

 

collaborating with domestic and international vendors and factories to enforce compliance

 

 

 

standards and improve factory conditions and processes.

 

 

 

Additionally, I have served as the project manager for the implementation of a new software

 

 

 

system for Independent Production Services (IPS) for the past seven months. In this role, I have

 

 

 

discovered passions for working with cross-functional teams, continually learning, collaborating

 

 

 

and problem-solving to find optimal solutions, and for providing the best customer service

 

 

 

possible. In my role with the project I have worked with the IPS teams in the US and in Hong

 

 

 

Kong as well as the software vendor, Steton, in order to identify IPS requirements, implement

 

 

 

them within the confines of the new system, keep the project on task, create and maintain a

 

 

 

positive working relationship amongst team members, create and execute testing plans, and

 

 

 

monitor deliverables, timelines, and costs.

 

 

 

Although challenging, the software implementation project has been the most enjoyable and

 

 

 

rewarding experience of my career, and I hope to have the opportunity to continue on this career

 

 

 

path. I believe that this experience combined with experience from my time as an auditor makes

 

 

 

me uniquely qualified for this position. Thank you for taking the time to review my resume, and I

 

 

 

look forward to hearing from you.

 

 

 

Sincerely,

[hjffkj]

i'm going to take it one paragraph at a time since I often need to reread at least twice before making changes. But one question. Is it only a page long? I can't tell from this format. If it isn't it needs to be no more than a page. Second. If she can figure out who exactly to address it to she should rather than to whom it may concern.

 

 

I am writing in regard to the Project Manager, Commercialization – Mast Global job posting. I

 

have over six years of experience with Limited Brands, Inc. and am currently looking to take on a

 

new challenge within the company and in order to grow as an associate.

 

 

During my tenure with Limited Brands, I was a Compliance Auditor and have been promoted to

 

Senior Compliance Auditor within Global Compliance. In these roles, I have led and performed

 

many reviews of various global trade procedures and requirements as well as reviews of

 

factory compliance. I also have experience in leading and training other associates, analyzing

 

audit results and providing recommendations to leadership for process improvements, and

 

collaborating with domestic and international vendors and factories to enforce compliance

 

standards and improve factory conditions and processes(I would consider rewriting this sentence as it is very wordy. Possibly break it into 2 sentences or take out part of it. Too many 'ands' in that sentence make it not flow nicely.)

[hjffkj]

Additionally, I have served as the project manager for the implementation of a new software

 

system for Independent Production Services (IPS) for the past seven months. In this role, I have

 

discovered passions for working with cross-functional teams , continually learning, collaborating

 

and problem-solving to find optimal solutions, and for providing the best customer service

 

possible. In my role with the project, I have worked with the IPS teams in the US and in Hong

 

Kong as well as the software vendor, Steton, in order to identify IPS requirements, implement

 

them within the confines of the new system, keep the project on task, create and maintain a

 

positive working relationship amongst team members, create and execute testing plans, and

 

monitor deliverables, timelines, and costs.

[hjffkj]

Although challenging, the software implementation project has been the most enjoyable and

rewarding experience of my career, and I hope to have the opportunity to continue on this career

path. I believe that this experience combined with experience from my time as an auditor makes

me uniquely qualified for this position. Thank you for taking the time to review my resume. , and I

look forward to hearing from you.

[hjffkj]

Overall, it is very well written and highlights her managerial experiences. The only real issue was wordiness at points but it sounds like she has done A LOT at her company and as long as all the experience she mentions is crucial for the job she is applying for then wordiness is fine. If there are things she thinks could be removed that would be considered a given ability at her level (i.e customer service skills) then remove them in order to make the sentences flow better.

[Abbeygurl4]

i'm going to take it one paragraph at a time since I often need to reread at least twice before making changes. But one question. Is it only a page long? I can't tell from this format. If it isn't it needs to be no more than a page. Second. If she can figure out who exactly to address it to she should rather than to whom it may concern.

 

 

I am writing in regard to the Project Manager, Commercialization – Mast Global job posting. I

 

have over six years of experience with Limited Brands, Inc. and am currently looking to take on a

 

new challenge within the company and in order to grow as an associate.

 

 

During my tenure with Limited Brands, I was a Compliance Auditor and have been promoted to

 

Senior Compliance Auditor within Global Compliance. In these roles, I have led and performed

 

many reviews of various global trade procedures and requirements as well as reviews of

 

factory compliance. I also have experience in leading and training other associates, analyzing

 

audit results and providing recommendations to leadership for process improvements, and

 

collaborating with domestic and international vendors and factories to enforce compliance

 

standards and improve factory conditions and processes(I would consider rewriting this sentence as it is very wordy. Possibly break it into 2 sentences or take out part of it. Too many 'ands' in that sentence make it not flow nicely.)

 

 

 

Yes, it's just one page. I couldn't get the spaces out. Thanks for the feedback! I will pass it along.

[Dandelion]

My feedback:

• Find out the name of the hiring manager and address it specifically to that person. Since she's applying as an internal candidate, that should be fairly easy. If she can't find out the name for whatever reason, then the best way to address the letter is "Dear Hiring Manager".
  

• The main purpose of the cover letter is to show how her experience would benefit the company in the position she's applying for. What I looked for as a hiring manager is whether the candidate was able to articulate how their background and experience translated into the specific capabilities outlined in the job description. Rather than summarizing her overall experience (which is really what the resume is for), it would be helpful if she could pull 2-3 key capabilities from the job description and then describe how she delivered those capabilities (and specific related results) in her previous roles. For example: "I understand that a key function of the Commercialization Project Manager role is to deliver XYZ process improvements. In my role as a Project Manager with IPS, I led a cross-functional team to deliver XYZ process improvements. Our team was able to streamline 20 processes across 6 functional areas, resulting in a 50% reduction in process redundancy, and 30% employee productivity gains." When a candidate can list specific results she achieved, that makes a much more powerful impression than simply listing experience. Also, real numbers are preferable to generalizations like "many" or "several". Quantify results as much as possible.
  

​

• ​Make the cover letter about what she offers the company - not what she's looking for. Instead of "I am currently looking to take on a new challenge within the company and to grow as an associate" and "I hope to have the opportunity to continue on this career path", say something like "My background and experience have equipped me to immediately contribute at a high level in the Commercialization Project Manager role. I look forward to an opportunity to further discuss how I can help Limited Brands achieve its goals of X, Y, and Z in this role."
  

​

• "I believe that this experience combined with experience from my time as an auditor makes me uniquely qualified for this position." Articulate how, as noted in the second bullet above.
  

​

• Reduce wordiness - a few of the sentences were very long.
  

Good luck to your DD!

[Abbeygurl4]

My feedback:

• Find out the name of the hiring manager and address it specifically to that person. Since she's applying as an internal candidate, that should be fairly easy. If she can't find out the name for whatever reason, then the best way to address the letter is "Dear Hiring Manager".
  

• The main purpose of the cover letter is to show how her experience would benefit the company in the position she's applying for. What I looked for as a hiring manager is whether the candidate was able to articulate how their background and experience translated into the specific capabilities outlined in the job description. Rather than summarizing her overall experience (which is really what the resume is for), it would be helpful if she could pull 2-3 key capabilities from the job description and then describe how she delivered those capabilities (and specific related results) in her previous roles. For example: "I understand that a key function of the Commercialization Project Manager role is to deliver XYZ process improvements. In my role as a Project Manager with IPS, I led a cross-functional team to deliver XYZ process improvements. Our team was able to streamline 20 processes across 6 functional areas, resulting in a 50% reduction in process redundancy, and 30% employee productivity gains." When a candidate can list specific results she achieved, that makes a much more powerful impression than simply listing experience. Also, real numbers are preferable to generalizations like "many" or "several". Quantify results as much as possible.
  

​

• ​Make the cover letter about what she offers the company - not what she's looking for. Instead of "I am currently looking to take on a new challenge within the company and to grow as an associate" and "I hope to have the opportunity to continue on this career path", say something like "My background and experience have equipped me to immediately contribute at a high level in the Commercialization Project Manager role. I look forward to an opportunity to further discuss how I can help Limited Brands achieve its goals of X, Y, and Z in this role."
  

​

• "I believe that this experience combined with experience from my time as an auditor makes me uniquely qualified for this position." Articulate how, as noted in the second bullet above.
  

​

• Reduce wordiness - a few of the sentences were very long.
  

Good luck to your DD!

 

 

Ooooh, that's good stuff! Thanks!