Help! My friend's kids are animals!

[Aspasia]

I have a friend who I adore. Like, I really, really like hanging out with her. But her kids are so hard to be around. I swear, I have an anxiety attack every time they come over. They are 3 1/2 and 2 years old. They are completely out of control, climbing on everything in my house, throwing things, stepping on things, etc. And she doesn't try to stop them.

 

One of the recent goodies was when the 3-year-old grabbed a whole bunch of grapes out of a bowl on my table and just started biting grapes off! He wasn't picking them off with his fingers and popping them in is mouth--he was biting them off. And my friend did nothing to stop him.

 

She lets him run around naked outside in their backyard. Fine. I don't care what people do in their backyards. But he isn't potty trained and he will just poop wherever he is and she doesn't seem to think that's crazy. Last time we went to their house, my 2-year-old unknowingly stepped in it, then took his shoes off inside. Then my baby got her hands on the shoes and I found her covered in this little boy's poop! Again, friend thought nothing of this. She thinks being covered in human poop is a part of parenting small children. She has said that to me.

 

Yesterday, they came over to our house and the kids were all running around outside in the rain. Her son ended up stripping down. This morning, there is poop on the sidewalk in front of my neighbor's house and it is NOT dog poop!

 

I don't know how to deal with this. Most immediately, what am I supposed to do about the poop? But how do I deal with this in general? I love this friend, but I can't be around her kids. I don't think all that stress is good for my heart!

[Chelli]

Only be around her when it's just the two of you. Go our for girl's nights to the movies, dinner, coffee shop, etc.

 

I had a friend like this as well and that's what I did. Her dd actually picked up a plate of food (I had invited them over for lunch since her dds were my dds age), threw it on the ground, and yelled, "I don't like this! It's gross!" My kids and I were sitting there with our mouths hanging open. The mom just laughed kind of breezily and said, "I guess we know where she stands on sloppy joes." The mom did clean it up, but did nothing to the child for her behavior. That was the final straw for me. I continued to hang out with the mom, but never with the kids.

 

Now, 6 years later, her dds are much better behaved (although they still have their moments) and we all hang out together.

[JudoMom]

I think I just threw up a little.

 

:svengo:

 

I wouldn't have her kids over. I wouldn't go to her house, either, because EWWW!

 

So that leaves just moms going out for coffee, or to a public playplace where hopefully her kids keep clothes on.

[Jean in Newcastle]

The immediate problem is the poop in front of your neighbor's house. Take a shovel and a bag and get rid of it. Then get a bucket of water if a hose won't stretch that far and wash the remains off the sidewalk. Embarrassing to do but your neighbors will bless you.

 

Go to public parks etc.with the kids. Otherwise just get together with the mom.

[Aspasia]

Okay, I handled the poop situation. I have a dog. I'm used to picking up poop. Why is it so much grosser when it's human poop?

 

I would certainly prefer to only do girl's nights with this friend. It's hard because she randomly calls and asks if they can "stop by" a couple times a week. I guess I don't know how to decline every time. The good news is that we're moving an hour away in a few weeks. The bad news is that she has already talked about coming down every Monday and with the longer drive/investment, they will probably stay longer.

 

Oh, and I often invite them to stay for dinner since they're here around that time and both of our husbands work late. Her kids CRAWL across my table to get more of whatever they want, and grab it with their BARE hands, of course. I just don't understand.

[Alte Veste Academy]

When I have people over who do not parent, I talk to their kids like they are mine.

 

"Oh, would you like me to get you a bowl of grapes? Just say, 'May I please have some grapes?'"

 

"Sweetie, we leave our diapers/undies on at our house."

 

"We don't climb in the house. Would you like to go for a walk? Play on the fort? Go to the park?"

 

"Hop down from the table please."

 

Repeat one thousand times, as necessary.

 

When very active children would visit when my kids were younger, I planned very active activities (running through sprinklers, playing ball outside, etc.).

 

When other kids are generally well-behaved but let their manners slip, I can let some things slide (I don't demand please and thank you, for example, like I would from my own kids). But climbing, screaming, manhandling, ruining food, and (can't believe I have to type this!!!) pooping outside of a diaper or toilet? I will parent them to the same standard I parent my own kids.

[Alte Veste Academy]

Her kids CRAWL across my table to get more of whatever they want, and grab it with their BARE hands, of course. I just don't understand.

 

"Honey, if you want something, I will be happy to pass it to you. Please wash your hands and sit down. I will get you some ____."

 

They don't know any better because they haven't been taught any manners. I do not understand how mom can just sit there. Is she depressed? Is she actively involved with them in play if not in guidance and discipline? Or does she just sit like a bump on a log?

 

ETA: I would have a hard time going to her house because of the poo issue, but if I did, I would scan the yard before letting my kids play. For me though, those kids are too young to play outside without supervision, even in a fenced yard, so I would be out there watching them, sipping tea. Pants off? Time to go home. (And I did allow a bit of "naked land" at my house, but not with guests around and not forgetting that we had indoor plumbing for...uh...number 2.)

[Soror]

Wow, I'm pretty relaxed about a lot of things but that would not be ok. I would cut down on meetings and step in myself at my house. It is one thing at their house but if it is damaging/disrespectful of myself and my property I would step in. I would do as AVA said and be very matter of fact about it.

[ktgrok]

When I have people over who do not parent, I talk to their kids like they are mine.

 

"Oh, would you like me to get you a bowl of grapes? Just say, 'May I please have some grapes?'"

 

"Sweetie, we leave our diapers/undies on at our house."

 

"We don't climb in the house. Would you like to go for a walk? Play on the fort? Go to the park?"

 

"Hop down from the table please."

 

Repeat one thousand times, as necessary.

 

When very active children would visit when my kids were younger, I planned very active activities (running through sprinklers, playing ball outside, etc.).

 

When other kids are generally well-behaved but let their manners slip, I can let some things slide (I don't demand please and thank you, for example, like I would from my own kids). But climbing, screaming, manhandling, ruining food, and (can't believe I have to type this!!!) pooping outside of a diaper or toilet? I will parent them to the same standard I parent my own kids.

 

 

yes, say it sweetly so no one gets mad, but enforce the rules of your house.

[Word Nerd]

Gross, gross, gross! I'm not a fan of parenting other people's kids when the parents are right there unless someone is being harmed and the behavior is not being stopped. But in this case I would make an exception and step in when they're in your home and the kids are being out of control. Ideally, I would try to limit contact with the kids except in a neutral, public location; it sounds like that might be difficult without taking a blunt approach, though. She doesn't sound like the type who takes hints.

[Aspasia]

 

They don't know any better because they haven't been taught any manners. I do not understand how mom can just sit there. Is she depressed? Is she actively involved with them in play if not in guidance and discipline? Or does she just sit like a bump on a log?

 

 

 

She is very involved with them in play. She's the kind of parent who is all about freedom for her kids. She doesn't want to stifle their creativity by imposing "meaningless" boundaries on them. We're close to her parents as well, and they are very much the same--very loving, artsy, do-your-own-thing kind of people. We stayed with them for a couple weeks in between moves and if her then-2-year-old expressed any desire to paint, even at 9:00 at night (when my kids had been in bed for two hours), she broke out the paints. They have been at our house for dinner before (along with both husbands AND other guests) and the kid wants to draw, so she gets our paper and markers and sets him up right at the dinner table. Don't get me wrong, I'm all about freedom to create, too. My kids have that freedom almost all day. But come 4:00 or so, I put the brakes on mess-making for the day. I give my kids all kinds of freedom, but within some broader boundaries.

 

Anyway, she is very loving and involved. She just has a parenting philosophy very different from mine.

[Jean in Newcastle]

With a parenting philosophy like that I doubt she would welcome your mild corrections in your own home. I would take it elsewhere so that hopefully societal norms will curb her and her children somewhat.

[Alte Veste Academy]

She is very involved with them in play. She's the kind of parent who is all about freedom for her kids. She doesn't want to stifle their creativity by imposing "meaningless" boundaries on them. We're close to her parents as well, and they are very much the same--very loving, artsy, do-your-own-thing kind of people. We stayed with them for a couple weeks in between moves and if her then-2-year-old expressed any desire to paint, even at 9:00 at night (when my kids had been in bed for two hours), she broke out the paints. They have been at our house for dinner before (along with both husbands AND other guests) and the kid wants to draw, so she gets our paper and markers and sets him up right at the dinner table. Don't get me wrong, I'm all about freedom to create, too. My kids have that freedom almost all day. But come 4:00 or so, I put the brakes on mess-making for the day. I give my kids all kinds of freedom, but within some broader boundaries.

 

Anyway, she is very loving and involved. She just has a parenting philosophy very different from mine.

 

Fair enough. I would guess that my parenting style probably falls somewhere between yours and hers. She must recognize that her parenting style differs from yours, just as you do. The thing is that if you recognize this and respect her right to parent her kids as she wishes, the rules of friendship (for me) dictate that she should respect your right to parent your kids as you wish, which should extend to the respect of recognizing that her rules can't always be the rules outside of her own home. She can believe in total freedom all she wants, but it will not serve her well to put this philosophy on a pedestal above the philosophy of respecting differences.

 

Even knowing that her non-disciplining/correcting style of parenting is purposeful, I would still enforce my rules with her kids in my own home. That's life. Time and place is a valuable lesson. I do agree that meeting at a public park would be the least likely to ruffle feathers though.

[QuirkyKapers]

I would stop having her over. period. I would only meet her at a park or pool depending on where you live. This is a perfect time to just tell her the kids have been cooped up all winter and they want to get outside somewhere other than your home. Don't make it an option to be at your house, even if it is raining. We will be at x location from x to x time. Feel free to join us. If she calls to come over, nope you are so busy with summer activties, pool, beach, park that when you are home you are getting house together and it doesn't work to have company over.

 

Just curious, what happens when you go to her house?

[sparrow]

:svengo:

 

 

I know you really like her, but, wow. That would be hard for me to overcome. I mean, what other things does she think are OK? That really crosses a line, ya know?

[NorthwestMom]

When I have people over who do not parent, I talk to their kids like they are mine.

 

"Oh, would you like me to get you a bowl of grapes? Just say, 'May I please have some grapes?'"

 

"Sweetie, we leave our diapers/undies on at our house."

 

"We don't climb in the house. Would you like to go for a walk? Play on the fort? Go to the park?"

 

"Hop down from the table please."

 

Repeat one thousand times, as necessary.

 

When very active children would visit when my kids were younger, I planned very active activities (running through sprinklers, playing ball outside, etc.).

 

When other kids are generally well-behaved but let their manners slip, I can let some things slide (I don't demand please and thank you, for example, like I would from my own kids). But climbing, screaming, manhandling, ruining food, and (can't believe I have to type this!!!) pooping outside of a diaper or toilet? I will parent them to the same standard I parent my own kids.

 

:iagree:

 

Also, I would say her to her directly, "I can't deal with the poop. I need the kids to either use the toilet or have a diaper on." Let her think you're the weird one. After I moved, I would FADE AWAY. This kind of parenting does not lead to people who are pleasant to be around.

[Um_2_4]

Ummm... I vote for finding some local "out of the house" activities to do once you move that happen to fall on Mondays so you wan't be available...like at ALL.

I know you like her, but at bodily fluids (etc), I draw a line.

Coffee on a Sun morning or some other time when DHs can watch the kids and you two can chat. Or skype. (I personally don't find time to leave the kids with DH and go off, even for needed medical appts LOL, so I know that could be tough, but really I don't NEED any friend that bad that I could deal with that.)

OR as AVA said she starts following YOUR rules in YOUR house!

[lil' maids in a row]

How about "confessing" to her that you are really concerned about your child's progress in some academic area. You could tell her that you have "sadly" come to the conclusion that you are simply going to have to focus on academics EVERYDAY. Unfortunately you are going to have to limit or end the frequent playdates because it interferes with your new and improved school schedule ;) .

[Halcyon]

Oh, I feel for you!

I have a friend sorta like this-her kids are really ill-mannered. And the oldest is 13!!!! The last time she was here, she kept emitting these ridiculously loud, long, smelly burps in our small school room. Her mom was right next to her and said nothing! Blech.

 

I don't have any answers for you, though...

[bettyandbob]

This would be a friend I met for coffee or a girl's night out or at running club meetups. No kids.

[Anne in CA]

So many people said good things but I would add that I would tell her I must do school in the day and I would tell her you need more girl time alone with her. I do think she won't like it much, because this sort of parent generally wants to be with their kids all the time, but I would be firm.

[Eagle]

That's really difficult. I think you have to just meet her out in public from now on. Is there anything halfway in between your new home and hers where you could meet up? Playground, pool (although I can think of problems with that...), museum? Can you have the kids take a class together? Kindergym? Music? Dance?

 

There is no way I would keep inviting them over to my home.

[Word Nerd]

I think it would ultimately be kinder to address the problem with her gently but honestly--even if that means telling her explicitly that her kids' behavior in your home is not acceptable to you--rather than making up weak excuses every week to avoid having to deal with the problem. If she values your friendship and you value hers, you'll both be willing to have that uncomfortable conversation and work on finding a mutual solution. Yes, you risk offending her, but it's just as likely that she'll see right through any excuses you make to avoid her, which would hurt even more. You may not need to confront her if she agrees to meet only at the park, museum, or other public place, but at some point she's definitely going to wonder why she hasn't been invited to your new home.

[Luanne]

I don't have any advice. I would hate to be these children's teacher when they hit school age. Oh my stars!

[Aspasia]

 

Just curious, what happens when you go to her house?

 

 

Her house is where my ds stepped in her son's poop in the yard, and it ended up all over my baby. We are always outside with the kids while they're playing, but I didn't see him do it. It may have happened before we got there. Also that day, the kids were playing in a little wading pool and at one point her kid was standing right next to the edge of it and he just peed. Right into the pool! I immediately grabbed my kids and said, "Okay, everybody out." I told my friend (who had been inside getting something for her younger ds), and she just shrugged it off, "Yeah, he does that."

 

Her kids are even worse about manners at their own house. But she just never establishes a boundary. She will give them their food and then sit down with hers, and they then insist on sitting on her lap, so she lets them. That's when they start digging their hands into her food. I mean, I've seen one of them just grab a scoop of ice cream out of her bowl and shove it in his mouth. She just rolls her eyes like it's part of the gig. She must think I'm an absolute tyrant. I never give my kids my food. I give them their food first, and then my food (which is the same thing, just on a different plate) is MY food. If my kids ask for it, I tell them so. Boundaries!

[QuirkyKapers]

Oh boy. I would stick with meeting somewhere else. It doesn't sound like saying anything directly to her about your concerns will make a difference.

[Aspasia]

Yep. I think I'm going to do that. It will be harder when we move, though. I can't really let it just fade away, because we're very close to their whole family. We'll probably see them less, but when we do, it will be for longer and it will be much harder to tell her to meet us at a park. *sigh* This is hard.

[QuirkyKapers]

How far away do you think you will be moving? Maybe you could meet at a park halfway?

[zoobie]

The kids poop in the yard? That's unsanitary and weird. I wouldn't go to her house and wouldn't invite her to mine.

 

What do the kids do in public? Poop in the park? I really can't get past human feces...

 

Adults only gatherings.

 

Poop? Really?

[mathmarm]

I would skip the lame excuses and be honest and open about the situation.

You guys are good friends, close friends but this is your home and you both have to work to make this friendship last.

You aren't the only person who finds her kids gross, obnoxious and unbearable, you can't be. Your friend has to be aware of this fact, if not, she is probably kidding herself.

 

Finding a continuum of excuses is likely to be at least as hurtful as the truth and far less effective at helping you maintain and grow your friendship. Maybe write a handwritten letter to her to help you broach the topic? Or at least work out your thoughts.

 

Also, teach your own kids to alert you if they step in something yucky...?

[Aspasia]

How far away do you think you will be moving? Maybe you could meet at a park halfway?

 

 

We're moving about an hour away, in three weeks. That's actually a really good idea. Hmmm...I do believe I'm going to go look at the parks in between our houses.

 

Zoobie, I know!!! It's unbelievable. And I'm really not very uptight. In fact, I often wonder if I'm too hands-off with my kids. But this is beyond hands-off and freedom and creativity.

[sassenach]

When I have people over who do not parent, I talk to their kids like they are mine.

 

"Oh, would you like me to get you a bowl of grapes? Just say, 'May I please have some grapes?'"

 

"Sweetie, we leave our diapers/undies on at our house."

 

"We don't climb in the house. Would you like to go for a walk? Play on the fort? Go to the park?"

 

"Hop down from the table please."

 

Repeat one thousand times, as necessary.

 

When very active children would visit when my kids were younger, I planned very active activities (running through sprinklers, playing ball outside, etc.).

 

When other kids are generally well-behaved but let their manners slip, I can let some things slide (I don't demand please and thank you, for example, like I would from my own kids). But climbing, screaming, manhandling, ruining food, and (can't believe I have to type this!!!) pooping outside of a diaper or toilet? I will parent them to the same standard I parent my own kids.

 

This. Totally. However, I think you're going to have to address the diaper/poop issue directly. The poop on the neighbor's sidewalk is actually a perfect lead in.

 

"Hey friend, so it looks like your son pooped in front of my neighbor's house yesterday. I need to tell you that the whole poop as you go thing just isn't going to work at my house anymore. Can we just plan on junior keeping his diaper on from now on? Thanks!"

[Lilaclady]

I think it will be nice to gently address the situation with her. Also you have a right who to invite to your house and when. She cannot just decide she is coming t your house every Monday and that is it. You have to tell her wether it is ok for you or not. I have a friend somewhat like that but just not as bad. I just decided we will be phone friends and occasionally go out together every 4 months or so. The friendship was important but not that important that I will be stressing over.

[PrairieSong]

I am pretty accepting of other people's ways being different than mine, but POOP? No, no way. And climbing on things, crawling across the table while Mom does nothing? I would either distance myself from this friend or have a heart-to-heart talk with her. If she were my good friend I would feel very guilty if I said nothing while her children are behaving like, well, animals. Why no diapers? Does she just not want to change them? Someone else mentioned depression, and I wondered the same thing. Eventually these kids will be out among others more. What about when they go to school? How will they get along in the world if they do not learn to respect others? That's what manners are all about, learning that the world does not revolve around you and you must consider the good of other people.

[QuirkyKapers]

I would skip the lame excuses and be honest and open about the situation.

You guys are good friends, close friends but this is your home and you both have to work to make this friendship last.

You aren't the only person who finds her kids gross, obnoxious and unbearable, you can't be. Your friend has to be aware of this fact, if not, she is probably kidding herself.

 

Finding a continuum of excuses is likely to be at least as hurtful as the truth and far less effective at helping you maintain and grow your friendship. Maybe write a handwritten letter to her to help you broach the topic? Or at least work out your thoughts.

 

Also, teach your own kids to alert you if they step in something yucky...?

 

 

:iagree: I have found that with some people, unfotunately,this doesn't seem to work. No matter what you say, it is turned around and you are the person with the problem, even if you are being blunt but gently explaining how you feel about the situation. I know in situations where I have thought differently about things and mentioned it, some people have turned it around saying things like, you are too uptight, just relax.. etc. etc. The question of course is if it doesn't work to say things, than what kind of friendship is it? Or, even if you can say things but you are brushed off, what kind of friendship is it?

[Jenn121]

I agree with the PPs that you have a right to have your own standards upheld in your home. Granted some grace can be given for certain things like I the art during dinner. I would assume that she was trying to keep him busy. But the poop is not something that is negotiable nor the climbing on the table. Those are health and safety issues.

 

I would have a one on one get together with her and spell out (kindly but firmly) the rules in your home. Tell her that you understand that she has a different philosophy on child rearing than you. However, you cannot compromise on certain things for the safety of your children. She abides by your standards of childrearing at you home or does not come over.

 

You can also segway to that because she cannot provide a 99.5% (accidents happen) poop free environment at her home you will not be bring your children there either.

[Rosie_0801]

My son behaves very much like the kid in the OP. I have two friends whose houses I'll take him to. Anyone else either comes here or meets us at a playground. For obvious reasons, I have plenty of sympathy when a kid behaves this way because there is nothing the parents can do about it, but none at all when they don't even make a show of trying. Even with my feral kid, I wouldn't let the OP's friends in my house. Picnics at the playground all the way...

[Jenn121]

My son behaves very much like the kid in the OP. I have two friends whose houses I'll take him to. Anyone else either comes here or meets us at a playground. For obvious reasons, I have plenty of sympathy when a kid behaves this way because there is nothing the parents can do about it, but none at all when they don't even make a show of trying. Even with my feral kid, I wouldn't let the OP's friends in my house. Picnics at the playground all the way...

 

So true. It is different when the child is being corrected and is in a process of being taught or cannot, for some reason, control himself. But when this type of behavior has been displayed and allowed by the mom and nothing has changed it is time for more straight forward talk to set boundaries with the parent.

 

 

ETA: Punctuation!

[Guest]

When I have people over who do not parent, I talk to their kids like they are mine.

 

"Oh, would you like me to get you a bowl of grapes? Just say, 'May I please have some grapes?'"

 

"Sweetie, we leave our diapers/undies on at our house."

 

"We don't climb in the house. Would you like to go for a walk? Play on the fort? Go to the park?"

 

"Hop down from the table please."

 

Repeat one thousand times, as necessary.

 

When very active children would visit when my kids were younger, I planned very active activities (running through sprinklers, playing ball outside, etc.).

 

When other kids are generally well-behaved but let their manners slip, I can let some things slide (I don't demand please and thank you, for example, like I would from my own kids). But climbing, screaming, manhandling, ruining food, and (can't believe I have to type this!!!) pooping outside of a diaper or toilet? I will parent them to the same standard I parent my own kids.

 

This. I have kids who have always been well mannered without being prompted, because it has been ingrained in them since they were small. Unfortunately not everyone is the same. I have no problem at all letting a child know when they are out of line if they are in my house or classroom (church pre k). SOMEONE has to teach them right from wrong. Bad thing is, if it is only you that calls them down, and mom doesn't do the same at home, not much will change.

[laf919]

Another angle you might try in the discussing it directly vein is the effect of her kids' behavior on your kids. I know especially when my kids were young, being exposed to other kids who lived by very different standards when it came to rules could be confusing and cause problems. You might see if working from this angle would help - something along the lines of, "We are really working on table manners with our kids right now. It is confusing to them to see your kids climb on the table and grab food because they are not allowed to do this." Sometimes, I have found it helps to turn things around and phrase it in a way of helping your kids - sometimes not, and that is when I sigh a lot!

[Seasider]

I agree that meeting her outside of your home (or for just adults) eould reduce your stress. But I have to ask, would you be comfortable with her in a park or pool if her kid stripped and pooped in public? Would it be less gross if you simply didn't have to deal with it at your home/neighborhood?

 

Be direct. Tell her how much you love her and appreciate the way she is so engaged with her children. But then be direct and let her know that it makes you uncomfortable that her child does this. And that it's not just you - there are laws against public defecation, with good reason. It crosses the line, kwim?

 

 

[Melissa in Australia]

I have had children like that visit. I have no problem with telling visiting children what is acceptable in my house. For example a child running across the table will be put back onto the floor by me and told we don't do that here, no problem. HOWEVER I have real problem with human poop. if it is an accident while toilet training then no problem, these things happen. I once had a lady visit that didn't believe in nappies (dippers), she had some sort of theory about toilet training from birth. unfortunately it didn't seem to work and her crawler pooped all over my house, including on a stack of books that he pulled off the shelf and a pile of toys. I was not impressed!

[KungFuPanda]

If she's that good of a friend, you should be able to have a difficult conversation with her. I have a friend like this. Other people were shunning her and fading away, but nobody ever told her why. Finally, I explained how her kids' behavior made people uncomfortable. She was hurt, but not mad at me. They made some serious adjusting for the better and re-entered society, after a bit of a break, with improved behavior. They were happier for it.

 

In this case, both parents were sensitive, mild, wonderful people but happened to have 3 VERY intense children who weren't born as naturally gentle and kind as their parents. They had to make some tough adjustments.

[Aspasia]

I have had children like that visit. I have no problem with telling visiting children what is acceptable in my house. For example a child running across the table will be put back onto the floor by me and told we don't do that here, no problem. HOWEVER I have real problem with human poop. if it is an accident while toilet training then no problem, these things happen. I once had a lady visit that didn't believe in nappies (dippers), she had some sort of theory about toilet training from birth. unfortunately it didn't seem to work and her crawler pooped all over my house, including on a stack of books that he pulled off the shelf and a pile of toys. I was not impressed!

 

I think she does think she's potty training. That's what she has said. Unfortunately, this "potty training" has been going on for about a year now. I know lots of people who potty train their kids with the nude method. I do. But it's only for a day or two, and the point of it is to help the kid be more aware of the feeling of needing to go potty, right? (Since undies can initially give the same feeling of "security" as a diaper.) If the kid is just pottying wherever, whenever, without making any attempts to get to the actual potty, it isn't working. My potty trainers have never even peed outside. Being naked stops them in their tracks. That's kind of the point. When I was potty training ds a little while ago, she came over during one of his nude days and saw that I was on high alert for signs of needing to go potty--it wasn't just a regular day where he happened to be naked.

 

Being direct is tricky. I personally don't feel that it's always good or healthy to be completely open and honest. Sometimes it does more harm than good. I know that she doesn't agree with my parenting philosophy--she thinks I'm uptight and strict. Any advice coming from me is easily brushed off because of that. So all I would be left with would be discomfort and hurt feelings. I really think I need to just structure our get-togethers in a way that doesn't involve her kid's poop on my children or my property. I do need to be more clear about what is acceptable in my own home, but I don't think I can go much further than that.

[Cera]

I would stick to meeting on neutral territory for the time being. If she calls to ask if she can stop by either don't answer the phone or tell her you would love to meet up but were just heading out to the park, library, mall, etc. She can meet you there and you can hang out then both return to your own homes.

[clarkacademy]

Friend, I don't like the way your kid acts please don't bring them back to my home until they can behave. I understand she is just 2 but enough is enough. Our friendship was strained for about a year until she called and said you know you were right. The child didn't come back to my house till she was almost 5 and when I moved out of state I was sad to say goodbye to her. She had become one of the sweetest little kiddos I have ever met. I wasn't the only one sick of her behavior and after I said something other people came forward too, including the kids own grandparents.

[Aspasia]

Friend, I don't like the way your kid acts please don't bring them back to my home until they can behave. I understand she is just 2 but enough is enough. Our friendship was strained for about a year until she called and said you know you were right. The child didn't come back to my house till she was almost 5 and when I moved out of state I was sad to say goodbye to her. She had become one of the sweetest little kiddos I have ever met. I wasn't the only one sick of her behavior and after I said something other people came forward too, including the kids own grandparents.

 

 

That is a good way to say it. It makes it all about MY reaction, not her parenting. Maybe I just need to get really brave.

[Word Nerd]

Being direct is tricky. I personally don't feel that it's always good or healthy to be completely open and honest. Sometimes it does more harm than good. I know that she doesn't agree with my parenting philosophy--she thinks I'm uptight and strict. Any advice coming from me is easily brushed off because of that. So all I would be left with would be discomfort and hurt feelings. I really think I need to just structure our get-togethers in a way that doesn't involve her kid's poop on my children or my property. I do need to be more clear about what is acceptable in my own home, but I don't think I can go much further than that.

 

 

Fair enough. Only you can decide whether being upfront with her would do more harm than the current situation is doing to your friendship already. I didn't mean you should give her parenting advice, though. I just think it might be better in the long run not to hide the real reason you don't want them coming to your house. No matter how many times you put her off, it's going to come up at some point since she already has the expectation of visiting your home.

[Guest submarines]

A toddler eating from the parent's plate, painting late in the day, crawling onto the table to reach for food (assuming it is finger food), being naked in the yard, doesn't bother me one single bit. Even pooping in the yard during potty training could be just fine.

 

I also wouldn't freak out and get my kids out of the kiddy pool, if one of my young toddlers accidentally peed in it. I'm not phobic of baby urine. However, I'd certainly not encourage this behavior, and if I had company, I'd certainly empty the pool and not let other kids sit in my kid's pee, no matter how diluted.

 

The only thing that bothers me here is that the mom doesn't immediately clean up the poop. This just seems really odd and unhealthy and to me, suggests of some kind of a mental issue. It is as though she has some kind of an unhealthy preoccupation with feces.

 

I also can't imagine witnessing these poop incidents, and never saying anything? If it were me, I'd jump up and offer cleaning supplies and help her clean-up if needed.

 

Also, if OP has so many issues with the way her friend parents, I assure the OP that the friend has as many issues with the way the OP parents as well. This is very likely to be a frustrating experiences for both of you. As I said, my only issues out of all mentioned were not cleaning up the pooping and peeing in the pool while friends are there, and even if those are a definite deal breaker for me, I'd feel very uncomfortable with a friend who found it disgusting that my toddler ate from my plate!

[Jennifer3141]

Do you ever wonder if maybe some of you are just a little too gentle with the world at times?

 

I'm a pretty fair and outspoken person. I have people over all week long. And no one ever comes over and &^%#&% on my floor or my yard. You know why? Because if you came over to my house and %$#@%$# on my floor, I'll point you to the Clorox cleaning wipes and the bathroom and tell you to clean it up. And if you don't, then I'd say, "Well, I have some cleaning to do so it's time to end this event. See you later!"

 

And then you'd find me meeting you at the park or kid museum from now on. If I ever met you again...

 

NO ONE deserves to be &^%#&% upon. And if someone in your life is doing that, meet them away from your stuff or kick them to the curb. Friends don't let their kids ^%$#@% upon friends.

 

People can be animals in their own homes. But they cannot be animals in YOURS unless you let them. :)