Hive--help

[Aubrey]

Remember the uncle problem I posted about a while back? http://www.welltrainedmind.com/forums/showthread.php?t=29659&highlight=uncle+aubrey

 

It's still a problem, & the more dh & I have kept an eye on things, the more convinced we are that we need to do so, if that makes sense. Not that anything has happened.

 

Anyway, we've successfully come up w/ excuses for the dc not to stay w/ ils for a couple of mos now, which is hard & highly unusual. They've asked for the dc almost every weekend.

 

One weekend, we all spent the night out there together. (That was hard, & dc & ils both, um, *mentioned* that it's fun when dh & I aren't there, lol.) Another weekend, ils stayed here while dh & I spent the night on campus for our anniversary. That was nice, but stressful on their end. Well...maybe a little on mine, too.

 

Anyway, you can feel the tension building. They haven't asked any questions yet, but I can feel it coming. Uncle was in the hospital for about 2 weeks last mo, w/ complications, etc.--heart problems & artery/vein collapse & replacement, etc. But he's fine & at home now.

 

So, mil has watched our dc for about 3 days every time we've had a baby. Dh mentioned to her recently that we might prefer that she come here to watch them this time because I want the kids to be close. She said she's willing to do whatever I want, but she's worried that that will stress me out. (She's right.) And, although she didn't say anything, I know her sister is coming to help her watch the kids, & we don't have enough places for the two of them to sleep. (She does.)

 

So dh has put her off so far, waiting to see how uncle's doing & if it will even be an issue. We just found out yesterday that he's been home for a week.

 

I called mil yesterday to tell her the good news about my book (which she's super supportive of), & she immediately wanted to know about where the kids would be staying when the baby's born. I tried my best to side-step it, change the subject, etc., but she finally told me point-blank: "I'm really looking forward to spending time w/ all 3 of them."

 

I know she means at her house. It's easier to spoil them there, lol, & she's more comfortable, & there's a lot more space, & even though we get along great, you know how it is to be at someone else's house. You're always just a tad on edge, worried about doing something they won't like.

 

So what do I do?? I don't want to hurt them, & not explaining is doing that. Explaining would do that. Pg hormones are causing inhibition to wane just enough that I really have to be careful what I say, & I have a tendency to be a little blunt (ok, a lot, lol) anyway.

 

Maybe I can just stay pg forever? Fake my own death? <sigh> Please, please tell me you have the perfect solution. Or a house for us to rent in Botswana. :001_huh:

[WTMindy]

Just the kind of thing you need to be worrying about right now!! I don't have any advice, just hugs. :grouphug: I do think it is important to listen to that little mommy voice and if something is off, I wouldn't send my kids there. But, it may not be a good time to have a confrontation about it. One way of the other, I would let your dh take the lead on this one and be the one to talk about it with his parents.

 

 

Come on girl, we need some contraction action!!

[Pink Fairy]

No perfect solution, but lots of prayers and hugs! It must be sooooo awkward and uncomfortable, and not what you need when you're getting ready to deliver a baby. In the end, it's obvious that you're going to have to tell them, and no matter what it's going to hurt. The only real questions are how and when you're going to do it. Again, prayers for discernment and hugs for all! :grouphug:

[Mom2legomaniacs]

Well, without really remembering the whole story and all, I am wondering a few things.

 

I know you don't want to get in to it with them. But just making excuses might be hurtful to the inlaws. And if it has nothing to do with them, per se, then they kind of have a right to know something. But again, I don't remember why you don't want to tell them. Even if they don't understand completely. Is there some way to tell them so they won't think it is them?

 

I don't know, that's a tough one. I guess, no real advice other than trying to clear it up a bit. And you can even say that it may not be rational, but you have feelings that you think you should honor or else you'd go crazy. :grouphug: (from afar, 'cause it's too hot to do one for real)

[laylamcb]

Oh my, that is so...oh my. What a burden to have to deal with right now! I think you and DH are wise for trusting your gut. But how to avoid really, really hurting your in-laws? I don't know.

 

Could you say that the kids really want to be with the baby, and could she please come stay at your place? Could you express that you're feeling so weirdly emotional and really want your kids nearby--but that she's SO WELCOME to come stay?

 

The bottom line, though, is that these things would be, at best, half truths. Wow. That's really tricky.

 

I'm sending up a little prayer for you right now, and here's a :grouphug:.

[H.S. Burrow]

:grouphug: I agree with WTMindy that this is NOT something you should have to worry about right now!

 

Since Uncle is just home (a week, right?) from the hospital, maybe you could say that you don't think that Uncle is up to having 3 young ones around non-stop for several days. I realize that doesn't resolve the help you need with a newborn but that's all I can think of right now.

 

I can't remember all of your particulars, but do you have some trusted friends nearby that could have the kiddos spend the night (or 2)?

 

Uncle being home from the hospital and recovering should help smooth any hurt feelings with the in-laws. If Uncle's health is poor, then maybe that can be your reason for the kiddos not spending the nights with the in-laws.

 

:grouphug: and I hope you and DH can come up with a solution before the baby arrives.

[Jennifer in NH]

((((Aubrey)))):grouphug:! Wow, I have no easy answer, but as someone who was molested repeatedly by a relative for 4 years as a child...I say...no matter what listen to your gut! Don't send the kids over there..not without you! I'm not always in favour of lying...but I would say if you cannot confront, then do whatever is neccesary to keep them away! Personally, I would just have Mil stay at your house...no matter what...just say, it may be the hormones but you do want the kids close by! keep them safe!

Good luck!

 

I wish i the perfect answer, but very often the right way, is the harder way...sorry you have to go through this...

Jenny

[Pam "SFSOM" in TN]

Is there some way to tell them so they won't think it is them?

 

 

I don't know any way you can pull this off except to tell, and I will say that if it were me, it would not occur to me in a million YEARS that it was the uncle. I would fret and cry and worry that it was *me or dh*. Or that my house suddenly wasn't clean enough, or that we had offended somehow unknowingly, or something.

 

Aubrey, she's right on the verge of *asking* you, point blank. Or rather, I guess I should say I would be, with much fear and trembling. So unless you're prepared to lie when she questions you directly, you might need to consider finding a way to just say it. Gently. But they're your kids -- you have to protect them; and they're your in-laws -- you have to honor them.

 

It's a rock and a hard place, sure enough. I'll be thinking of you.

[Mom2legomaniacs]

I don't know any way you can pull this off except to tell, and I will say that if it were me, it would not occur to me in a million YEARS that it was the uncle. I would fret and cry and worry that it was *me or dh*. Or that my house suddenly wasn't clean enough, or that we had offended somehow unknowingly, or something.

 

Aubrey, she's right on the verge of *asking* you, point blank. Or rather, I guess I should say I would be, with much fear and trembling. So unless you're prepared to lie when she questions you directly, you might need to consider finding a way to just say it. Gently. But they're your kids -- you have to protect them; and they're your in-laws -- you have to honor them.

 

It's a rock and a hard place, sure enough. I'll be thinking of you.

 

This is exactly what I meant by that. I would most definitely think it was me and be very torn up over that. Thanks for adding that Pam!

[sleepy]

Not a perfect solution, but I think your dh needs to talk to his parents about it. I know how hard that is... :grouphug:

[Jen500]

Aubrey, what a tough situation. :grouphug: I don't know what I'd say to the in-laws....some parents just don't want to hear or acknowledge certain things. But I don't think your kid's well-being is worth not wanting to offend someone. I would trust your instints. If it was me, I'd ask mil to come to my house, and get an air mattress or something if needed.

[PariSarah]

It's either going to be by telling them you don't trust Uncle Fruitcake, or by telling them you don't want them to watch the kids at your house from now on, without telling them why.

 

Which seems the most relationship-preserving to you? Not hurting them is not an option. You already know it, which is why you're stressed about it. It's going to happen. Rip the band-aid off, girl.*

 

The nice thing about being pregnant is that you can blame your decision on hormones, at least for the moment. Or your dh can do it. "I know it's completely irrational to feel this way about Uncle Fruitcake, Mom, but the woman's been pregnant for, like, two years straight. I'm going to honor her feelings, because that's the least I can do for her. Perhaps in a few years, we'll all be laughing about how idiotic it was. I hope so. But right now, I'm going to do all I can to make life easy for her."

 

If you can't deal with full disclosure right now, I think the same argument will work for why she has to watch them at your house: "I'm being completely irrational and hormonal about this, Mom, but I have this overwhelming feeling that the kids have to stay at our house. I feel totally at peace when I imagine them with you, at our house, being loved on and spoiled by you. But I have this unspeakable feeling of dread otherwise. I can't explain it. It's probably just hormones, but I can't shake the thought that it might be mother's intuition telling me something."

 

*Okay, I know it's not a band-aid. More like duct tape. Superglued to your hoo-hoo. But it's got to come off, girlfriend. Do some self-talk in your best Brazilian accent, and start ripping! "Eet weel not hurt even a leetle beet. And your hahsband, hee weel be veddy surprised!"

[dragons in the flower bed]

Aubrey, I think you're going to have to explain at some point. Will your ILs be understanding if you say that there is something that needs to be discussed before the kids can stay again, but that you're not up for it at this stage of pregnancy, and reassure them repeatedly that it has absolutely nothing to do with the grandparents? Can you ask them to wait three weeks and schedule a dinner out to discuss it?

[Jami]

It's either going to be by telling them you don't trust Uncle Fruitcake, or by telling them you don't want them to watch the kids at your house from now on, without telling them why.

 

Which seems the most relationship-preserving to you? Not hurting them is not an option. You already know it, which is why you're stressed about it. It's going to happen. Rip the band-aid off, girl.*

 

The nice thing about being pregnant is that you can blame your decision on hormones, at least for the moment. Or your dh can do it. "I know it's completely irrational to feel this way about Uncle Fruitcake, Mom, but the woman's been pregnant for, like, two years straight. I'm going to honor her feelings, because that's the least I can do for her. Perhaps in a few years, we'll all be laughing about how idiotic it was. I hope so. But right now, I'm going to do all I can to make life easy for her."

 

If you can't deal with full disclosure right now, I think the same argument will work for why she has to watch them at your house: "I'm being completely irrational and hormonal about this, Mom, but I have this overwhelming feeling that the kids have to stay at our house. I feel totally at peace when I imagine them with you, at our house, being loved on and spoiled by you. But I have this unspeakable feeling of dread otherwise. I can't explain it. It's probably just hormones, but I can't shake the thought that it might be mother's intuition telling me something."

 

*Okay, I know it's not a band-aid. More like duct tape. Superglued to your hoo-hoo. But it's got to come off, girlfriend. Do some self-talk in your best Brazilian accent, and start ripping! "Eet weel not hurt even a leetle beet. And your hahsband, hee weel be veddy surprised!"

 

 

I start most every conversation with dh these days with "it's probably just hormones..."

 

I think Sarah's right (and Pam), it's awful, but they probably need to know somehow that you're just not comfortable right now with the children around the uncle. If they were to be sure that the dc aren't alone with uncle, would that be okay? Not that I know how you could bring that up....

 

My MIL has three brothers, none of whom I'd be comfortable being around my children AT. ALL. But they issues are more obvious, they're just obviously not child-appropriate guys (language, drunkenness, etc), I keep trying to think of a comparative situation and how I'd handle it, but I'm at a loss! I just feel for you, Aubrey. :grouphug: You've done well with so many stresses this pregnancy and you sure don't need this one. And it's a joy to encourage good grandparent/grandchild relationships, so I'm sure it hurts that you have to pull back a bit because of this.

 

Jami

[Kimberleigh]

Aubrey, it sounds like things are on the verge of getting out of your control because your MIL already feels something's different, and losing control of the situation is the very last thing you need right now. I agree with Sarah that this might be the best time to come out and say something. At worst, they'll think you're being irrational, but it can be blamed on your pregnancy hormones. Once the thought is out in the open, however, everyone will think about it and need to address it, no matter how they want to excuse the notion. If you wait, you'll still eventually have to give your in-laws an explanation, but it's going to be that much harder and without any way to soften the blow. And once the new baby arrives, your MIL is going to want the older kids even more often to "help" give you a break, so it's even more likely that feelings will get more hurt over time by remaining silent.

 

My thoughts are with you...

[gandpsmommy]

I don't know any way you can pull this off except to tell, and I will say that if it were me, it would not occur to me in a million YEARS that it was the uncle. I would fret and cry and worry that it was *me or dh*. Or that my house suddenly wasn't clean enough, or that we had offended somehow unknowingly, or something.

 

Aubrey, she's right on the verge of *asking* you, point blank. Or rather, I guess I should say I would be, with much fear and trembling. So unless you're prepared to lie when she questions you directly, you might need to consider finding a way to just say it. Gently. But they're your kids -- you have to protect them; and they're your in-laws -- you have to honor them.

 

It's a rock and a hard place, sure enough. I'll be thinking of you.

 

 

:iagree: Aubrey, I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with this, especially when you are ready to deliver and things are going to be a bit stressful anyway. I can really identify with your not wanting to tell the il's because I am a person who hates conflict and confrontation and doesn't want anyone to feel bad, etc. But I agree with Pam that you really owe it to your il's to tell them why you aren't allowing your dc to stay at their house without you anymore. If they are used to keeping your dc at least once a month and they always care for your dc at their house when a new baby arrives, they probably are scouring their minds trying to figure out what they've done wrong, how they've offended you, etc. Even if they think it's crazy that you would feel weird about the uncle, at least they will have an explanation and they will know that it's not about them. I respect your committment to protecting your children and agree that you should honor your parental instinct and not allow your kids to be around the uncle without you or your dh.

 

I wish there were an easy answer for you. This sounds like such a tough situation all around. I know that a couple of years ago we had to deal with setting boundaries with a relative (not sexually related, but anger/temper related) because dh was getting some bad vibes from one of my relatives. I chose to support dh and was the one who delivered the bad news because it was on my side of the family. It was really, really hard to do. And it did hurt some feelings. But, ultimately, everyone's relationships remained intact and our boundaries are kept. I wish the best to you. I really think your dh should tell his parents. :grouphug:

[laylamcb]

Aubrey, I think you're going to have to explain at some point. Will your ILs be understanding if you say that there is something that needs to be discussed before the kids can stay again, but that you're not up for it at this stage of pregnancy, and reassure them repeatedly that it has absolutely nothing to do with the grandparents? Can you ask them to wait three weeks and schedule a dinner out to discuss it?

 

This is REALLY great advice. It is imperative that you stress as sincerely and vehemently as possible that it has nothing to do with them--because they are going to assume that they've done SOMETHING wrong. But if you can get that message across in a sincere, loving, and emphatic way--we love you, you've done nothing wrong, something's weighing on your minds but it's NOT something they've done, etc.--this might be the way to go.

[Kathleen in VA]

Aubrey,

 

I haven't read all the responses but I will say that I agree with Mindy that your dh should take the lead on this one. He needs to act as his family's protector right now. I think kids trump inlaws every time. You may have to hurt ils to keep from hurting your children. Imagine if anything happened and your children found out that you didn't do anything because you were afraid to hurt feelings. Better to have ils steaming than children scarred forever.

 

I hope this doesn't sound like I don't care how all this falls out and effects your relationship with your ils; I know it is tricky - there is no easy answer. But play out the worst possible scenario in your mind if you don't say anything and if you do say something and then pick the one you can live with the easiest.

 

ETA a big ((((((Aubrey)))))))

[Aubrey]

Dh was going to talk to his parents a mo ago, but I begged him not to. Not yet.

 

The uncle is on his dad's side, & I've never seen a closer family. The uncle is really a flake, irresponsible, etc., & they'll complain about stuff, but in the end, they. always. support. ea. other. No matter what.

 

If you've read SOTW 3 about the Scots & "Always Room for One More"--that's them. They're Scottish, & they'll treat almost anyone like family, & family. is. sacred.

 

That's not to say things would be the same if there were an actual, provable problem. That's to say that if there were a problem, it would rip the very identity from them. It would devastate them on a level that it would not effect most people, kwim?

 

So I've thought about dh talking to mil instead. She could...*maybe*...not tell fil. That's a HUGE maybe. But, honestly, she'd get pretty mad, too. And in the end, she & fil would *insist* that they could just watch the dc more closely, & although they'd try, my own experience doing this is that it can't quite be done well enough.

 

Kathleen, we won't send the dc over there, so that worst-case-scenario is off the table. But next to that, I can't see a way for them not to lose their grandparents. Either through ils' hurt feelings or not seeing them enough. And you know how you tend to have one set that you're deeply, irrationally close to? That's them. My family is too far removed &..."off."

 

Being Scottish like his family, this is the thing that upsets dh the most. And while dh almost never gets mad about anything--ANYTHING--you should see how he feels abou this. I mean, he completely agrees about uncle, etc., but having to decide what to do to protect his dc AND his parents...oh man.

 

Uncle's health--the thing is, he lives in the back of ils' house. He doesn't really have anything to do w/ what goes on up front if he doesn't want to. He tends to show up for meals & to watch their tv & to lurk, but I couldn't use his health as an excuse not to send the dc. Does that make sense? It would be like saying that an annoying neighbor who's always around isn't up for the dc. He *could* go back to his part of the house.

 

Besides which, his health is...not *his* concern. He really, truly seems to be waiting--possibly even wanting--to die. He showed up last night (Sun?--whenever it was a day or 2 ago) for a family gathering w/ a Super Big Gulp from 7/11, his surgery scars not yet healed, smoking, talking about having sharks tattooed all over his legs so the surgery would look like a shark attack. Hahahaha.

 

I don't mean to criticize any of that, really, it's just that he doesn't realize that the way he's living effects his brothers so much. They really care for him, worry about him, try to do stuff for him, take time off work to sit in the hospital w/ him over & over again. Nobody gets left behind, kwim? But he sure makes it hard.

 

I go in circles. I come to the realization that dh will *have* to talk to mil (although she always tries to talk to ME about stuff!!!), realize how the conversation's going to play out, & realize we CAN'T talk to them. The thing is, if fil knows, he WILL tell uncle. That's just how they are. And I know being in seminary, etc., we already come across as holier-than-thou, to some extent.

 

Dh has had a lot of trouble being around uncle in the past anyway, because he resents the way uncle is mooching off of his parents. I've tried pointing out that they're adults, & their generosity is their business, but he wants to defend them. He doesn't seem to understand that they will give *at least* this much of themselves, whether to uncle or someone else. It's who they are. Or maybe he does understand, & he just wants them to be able to give to someone who's not taking advantage.

 

In case I've made it sound otherwise, they're not old or senile or anything. They're in their 50s, & they know good & well that uncle is lazy & irresponsible. They just choose to love him anyway. So when I say "protect them"--it's not on the level of an elderly parent.

 

Anyway, thanks for your thoughts. I think I'm going to try to stay pg for a while longer. :o September's looking good. Of 2010.

[Kathleen in VA]

Aubrey,

 

Wow - I reread your original post from before and this one and all the replies and I think you are in a real pickle. That probably helped a whole lot, didn't it?;)

 

Anyway, I will definitely be praying that a solution presents itself and soon. I'm trying to imagine this whole scenario as if it were happening to me and I think, honestly, that I would go with the self-deprecating, "I'm completely hormonal and irrational" excuse and ask them to just indulge you on this since the whole giving birth/having a newborn thing is all you can really handle at the moment.

 

Btw, how close do they live to you? I can't remember if that was ever mentioned. Also, is your ac fixed yet? It might be hard to ask mil to come to your place if there is no ac. Yikes, this is complicated.

 

Your ils sound like dear people and I can certainly understand why you don't want to do anything that would jeopardize your relationship with them.

 

Off to pray,

[Aubrey]

Aubrey,

 

Wow - I reread your original post from before and this one and all the replies and I think you are in a real pickle. That probably helped a whole lot, didn't it?;)

 

Anyway, I will definitely be praying that a solution presents itself and soon. I'm trying to imagine this whole scenario as if it were happening to me and I think, honestly, that I would go with the self-deprecating, "I'm completely hormonal and irrational" excuse and ask them to just indulge you on this since the whole giving birth/having a newborn thing is all you can really handle at the moment.

 

Btw, how close do they live to you? I can't remember if that was ever mentioned. Also, is your ac fixed yet? It might be hard to ask mil to come to your place if there is no ac. Yikes, this is complicated.

 

Your ils sound like dear people and I can certainly understand why you don't want to do anything that would jeopardize your relationship with them.

 

Off to pray,

 

They're about an hr away. The a/c's not really fixed, although it's been poked at for a few days in a row now, & it does seem that I have an extra hr of tolerable time here.

 

As far as the pg/hormonal argument...I guess I'm afraid that's just another way to delay addressing the problem. We've done that for a few mos. How much longer will that work?

 

Plus, if we then have to talk to them, it's going to look like it was *my* idea. I'd much rather blame it on dh! ;) Then I'm just an innocent, supportive wife. Kwim?

[Tammyla]

This is going to ruffle their feathers no matter how much you try to soften the news. I'd simply tell them...Mom and dad we trust you with our kids, but we are not comfortable with uncle so&so around for personal reasons. We don't wish to discuss them, but we need your love and support now more than ever.

 

I don't think you should feel pressured to give any evidence or hard facts to support what you feel in your heart. There are times when mom just knows and the fact that your husband does too, speaks volumes.

 

Prayers:grouphug:...

 

The uncle needs your prayers, but you are not responsible for making him or anyone else feel less at ease. It's his behavior that is in question, and I've found that they rely on others to feel guilty while they continue their behaviors.

 

PS...I think it's deplorable that he gets to sit back while the rest of you are walking on egg shells.

[Beth in Central TX]

I guess I'm in the minority here. I would tell your in-laws why you are reluctant to leave your kids at their house overnight, but I wouldn't blame it on hormones. I think that once you've had the baby, and your life is back to "normal", your in-laws will expect everything to go back to status quo, including the over-night visits at their house.

 

I also think that blaming your motherly intuition on hormones will lessen the impact of this serious situation on your in-laws ("Oh, it's just Aubrey on hormones; she'll get over it"). I don't think they will take it as seriously as you and your husband have at this point. Your intuition tells you something isn't right. Don't discount that and don't gloss over it.

 

I know it's going to be hurtful to your in-laws, but the ultimate purpose here is to protect your kids. This sounds like it's going to be a life-long "issue" since you don't think your brother-in-law will move out. Since your in-laws are choosing to enable him, then they lose some of their grandparenting privileges with your kids. Of course this is eaiser to write than to actually say in person.

 

Good luck with however you work this out, Aubrey. Your in-laws sound like great people, so in the end, everything should work out fine. It's just getting there that's the difficult process. You'll be in my prayers. Please keep us posted.

[Kathleen in VA]

I guess I'm in the minority here. I would tell your in-laws why you are reluctant to leave your kids at their house overnight, but I wouldn't blame it on hormones. I think that once you've had the baby, and your life is back to "normal", your in-laws will expect everything to go back to status quo, including the over-night visits at their house.

 

I also think that blaming your motherly intuition on hormones will lessen the impact of this serious situation on your in-laws ("Oh, it's just Aubrey on hormones; she'll get over it"). I don't think they will take it as seriously as you and your husband have at this point. Your intuition tells you something isn't right. Don't discount that and don't gloss over it.

 

I know it's going to be hurtful to your in-laws, but the ultimate purpose here is to protect your kids. This sounds like it's going to be a life-long "issue" since you don't think your brother-in-law will move out. Since your in-laws are choosing to enable him, then they lose some of their grandparenting privileges with your kids. Of course this is eaiser to write than to actually say in person.

 

Good luck with however you work this out, Aubrey. Your in-laws sound like great people, so in the end, everything should work out fine. It's just getting there that's the difficult process. You'll be in my prayers. Please keep us posted.

 

Well, I have to say, Beth makes some very good points and so did you, Aubrey, about the hormone excuse only lasting for so long. You will have to eventually say something. Perhaps the biggest comfort is knowing that your ils are wonderful people. They may actually surprise you and understand completely - maybe:). Ok, I'm going to take a shot at what exactly to say, fwiw.

 

How about:

 

Mom, Dad, we really love you guys a lot and we so appreciate your love and concern for our children. We count ourselves very blessed to have such devoted grandparents - we realize it is rare and wonderful for children to be as close to their grandparents as our kids are to you. We have never had a problem with you spending time with them - you are one of our biggest blessings.

 

But we do have a concern that we have been debating over bringing up and we feel that we can no longer avoid the topic. We are afraid that if we continue to avoid discussing it we will eventually end up hurting your feelings and that is the very last thing we want to do.

 

The problem is Uncle. We love Uncle - we really do - but, there have been several times when we have both felt uncomfortable with the way Uncle interacts with dd5. We cannot place our finger on anything in particular - that is why we have waited so long to bring it up - but our gut instinct is sending us a strong "danger" message and we feel we would not be caring for our daughter if we just ignored that message. We realize that we could be wrong, but we would feel devastated if we ignored our instincts and it turned out we were right after all.

 

We have agonized over telling you our concerns, but we feel that if we don't say anything you might think our hesitancy to let dc stay at your house without us being there has something to do with you and for that reason we felt we needed to be honest with you and let you know that it is not you at all.

 

Ok, that is all I can think of. I hope there was something in there that was useful. If not, please know in any case that I am praying for you - specifically that God would help you deal with this as properly and kindly as possibly for the sake of all involved.

 

:grouphug: again,

[kalanamak]

Is this uncle your hubby's maternal or paternal uncle, and, does your FIL live there, too?

[Aubrey]

If not, please know in any case that I am praying for you - specifically that God would help you deal with this as properly and kindly as possibly for the sake of all involved.

 

:grouphug: again,

 

Thank you so much. Your prayers mean a lot to me right now. That's pretty much what I'm doing today. Things could still change. Right?

[Aubrey]

Is this uncle your hubby's maternal or paternal uncle, and, does your FIL live there, too?

 

Paternal. This is fil's bro, living w/ mil & fil.

[Danestress]

I think your DH needs to come up with a really tactful way to tell them that Uncle's presense in the house is the problem. It sounds like your in-laws have been really good to you and are really in love with your children, and honesty seems a lot kinder than allowing them to speculate as to what is really going on. Although, I'm not sure how much honesty. I think I would struggle for a response that is honest but not about exactly what your worse fears would be. I wouldn't say, "we are afraid that Uncle X might molest the children" even though that's true. Since you said you have no reason to think that except that you just feel funny about him, I would stick with the, "I feel funny about him" and leave off the, "we think he could be a predator" bit.

[newbie]

Botswana, arent you hot enough, couldnt you have picked Alaka or Norway.

 

Maybe you could play the pregnant hormone card, and say you just want to get it arrangements straightened out now, that they are staying here and could she please help out at your house.

 

Say , you would feel much more comfortable them there and you know its a weird request, but your pregnant and hot.

 

Dont let the kids go there, women intuition and all.

 

Jet

[kalanamak]

Paternal. This is fil's bro, living w/ mil & fil.

 

I would talk turkey with MIL. I would say "It may be nothing, but your son and I both are nervous about uncle, and just don't want to take the chance. You may disagree, but I'm afraid I can't leave my children in any position to be alone with uncle. How can we work this out?"

 

If she says it is nonsense, just say it is your nonsense and if she get woofy about it, have hubby talk to her.

HTH

Best of luck

[Beth in Central TX]

Sorry, I refer to my brother as "Uncle B", so I thought this was your children's uncle not your husband's which doesn't change my answer, but it would make me want to follow my instinct all the more...

[Carol in Cal.]

I think that even if you tell the IL's that you are uncomfortable having the kids be with the uncle alone at all that they won't keep the kids completely restricted. Think about it--for them to do that they would need to decide to act as if they believe that there is a problem that you yourself are not even alledging yet. And if their loyalty to family is as you have said, they might even feel the need to defend his relationship with your children by going out of their way to throw them together, on the assumption that you're not going to allow that much longer. I don't see how you can send them to the IL's at all, and I'm not sure that I would want the IL's taking care of them at your home even unless you are there 24/7 under the circumstances.

 

I agree with others who have said that your DH should take the lead in this, but I bet it will be hard and that he will be pressured to compromise in a way that will prove unacceptable to you. So if you have him do the talking, I would run cases with him and roleplay. Throw out what MIL would probably say, and decide AS A COUPLE what your response will be. Then assess (privately) whether he will come through for you before you decide whether to talk to her yourself. The last thing you need is for him to agree on some compromise that you're not happy with and have tension between you and him as well as with the IL's. If you are not sure in your secret heart of hearts that he will come through, do it yourself.

 

Tell her that you are not comfortable with the uncle spending time with the children alone, that this is drop dead crucial to you, and that you refuse to put her in the position of having to police this, so you are sorry, but you're uncomfortable sending them to visit when you cannot be present, but that you hope to see them soon under joint circumstances.

 

Trust your instincts, Aubrey.