How do you share hsing and other info with (unpleasant) noncustodial parent?

[SilverFirefly]

Just having a conversation is NOT an option. Ex was abusive and we have virtually no communication. We are going through a custody battle. He raised a stink in court about not knowing what is going on with DS, though he never cared about routine medical appointments etc. before. He is extremely opposed to hsing and would yell at me if I mentioned it. For DSs sake and my own emotional wellbeing I’ve tried to keep things as non-confrontational as possible by not engaging him at all.

 

I believe this more about controlling me than actual concern. However I don’t want to look like I am unreasonably withholding information. I also don’t want to give him any legal ammunition. Whatever method I use needs to be well documented because he will try to twist things to his own advantage.

 

How do you share homeschooling, medical, etc. information with your DCs noncustodial parent? What/how much do you share? Do you share info about day to day stuff that happened during the week? I am desperate for ideas about how to provide an appropriate amount of information without feeling like ex is regaining control in our lives.

 

Thanks for any advice

[Sandragood1]

A friend of mine uses a Google calendar to share things like doctor appointments , scout activities , etc. The info is there, but he has to make some effort to access it. Set it so he can see but not edit.

 

Theirs is not a friendly split. I would suggest not providing daily schedules and only providing weekly info for extracurricular activities. I am assuming that you and dc are safe.

 

 

[Coco_Clark]

I have no personal experience but google calendars for appt.s and such seems like a good idea, as long as it isn't so unfriendly that you don't want him to know where you are :(.

 

It may also look good in the courts were you to send a weekly update email (recordable!) with how the appts, activities, and school week went. "DS's dr said this, we learned this and this during school". It's a pain in the rear to have to do but it may be a nice record to have in the future when its time to enroll in kindergarten and your ex want him to go to public school. It will be proof that you are doing a good job hsing, and that you are being over the top communicative.

[*Lulu*]

What about a monthly newsletter/overview? It would be after the fact, would not need to include dates and times, (that way you do not have to worry about him easily picking out your routines), and would eliminate his ability to claim he is out of the loop.

 

I would not discuss home education AT.ALL. with him, seeing as your children are below the legal age of compulsory attendance. Cross that bridge after the custody is settled.

[Dahliarw]

For medical stuff I would make sure he is authorized to access the kids medical records and tell him he can request to see them at the doctor. Whether he does or not will be very telling for the court (because 10 to 1 he wont' bother).

 

I agree with the pp, if you're kids are not of compulsory age then I wouldn't provide him anything schooling wise. If they are, then I would provide him with a copy of whatever you legally have to provide the state.

[swellmomma]

I give my ex a quarterly report of sorts. He hates that I homeschool but by giving him something in writing he has nothing to gripe about (I have sole custody anyway so he has no say but he would grumble that he knew nothing going on after ignoring them for 10 years). Anyway, it is a quick summary of their progress in school work, what extracurrics came up, if there is any upcoming medical stuff or major things that happened in the last quarter. Basically like a report card. He does not need to know every detail of our schooling, their activities or our life. But to say things like "dd13 has an appt coming up for an orthodontic consult. Her dance recital went very well, I am so proud of her progress. In school we studied frontiersmen and she really enjoyed making real moccasins, coon hat etc, she is coming along quite nicely in math overcoming a hurdle she was facing, and her composition is really improving. We are looking forward to our forensic science topic coming up next month, and all the gardening we are tackling. She is so excited to have gotten her first job and is doing so well." seems to keep him appeased and out of my hair

[zoobie]

Your attorney needs to be in on the discussion. I wouldn't share ANY info without it going through him/her during a custody battle.

[SilverFirefly]

A friend of mine uses a Google calendar to share things like doctor appointments , scout activities , etc. The info is there, but he has to make some effort to access it. Set it so he can see but not edit.

 

Theirs is not a friendly split. I would suggest not providing daily schedules and only providing weekly info for extracurricular activities. I am assuming that you and dc are safe.

 

 

DS and I are safe as possible. Unfortunately he knows where I live and many of the places we frequent and he was able to get the restraining order dropped at the hearing (that's another story). And I think he is probably too smart to do anything really stupid, but I can't say "he would never..." anymore.

 

I have no personal experience but google calendars for appt.s and such seems like a good idea, as long as it isn't so unfriendly that you don't want him to know where you are :(.

 

 

I definitely don't want him to know where we are at any particular time if he doesn't have to (not that he can't figure some out on his own), so I would want to either provide info after the fact and/or without disclosing time/place details.

 

For medical stuff I would make sure he is authorized to access the kids medical records and tell him he can request to see them at the doctor. Whether he does or not will be very telling for the court (because 10 to 1 he wont' bother).

 

 

What I've been told is that because he is the biological father he automatically has access to DSs medical records even though he does not have legal custody. But the only records he has tried to access as far as I know are DSs mental health records. The therapist, attorney, and I did prevent him from getting those, at least for the time being, since even children have the right to confidentiality in therapy and it seemed especially inappropriate to release therapy records to the individual who probably had a lot to do with the need for therapy. Because he carries DSs primary insurance he also gets notification from the insurance company every time DS uses his medical coverage. But he wants me to notify him more or less immediately every time DS has an annual checkup or is seen by his pediatrician for a runny nose.

 

It may also look good in the courts were you to send a weekly update email (recordable!) with how the appts, activities, and school week went. "DS's dr said this, we learned this and this during school". It's a pain in the rear to have to do but it may be a nice record to have in the future when its time to enroll in kindergarten and your ex want him to go to public school. It will be proof that you are doing a good job hsing, and that you are being over the top communicative.

 

What about a monthly newsletter/overview? It would be after the fact, would not need to include dates and times, (that way you do not have to worry about him easily picking out your routines), and would eliminate his ability to claim he is out of the loop.

 

I would not discuss home education AT.ALL. with him, seeing as your children are below the legal age of compulsory attendance. Cross that bridge after the custody is settled.

 

I agree with the pp, if you're kids are not of compulsory age then I wouldn't provide him anything schooling wise. If they are, then I would provide him with a copy of whatever you legally have to provide the state.

 

I give my ex a quarterly report of sorts. He hates that I homeschool but by giving him something in writing he has nothing to gripe about (I have sole custody anyway so he has no say but he would grumble that he knew nothing going on after ignoring them for 10 years). Anyway, it is a quick summary of their progress in school work, what extracurrics came up, if there is any upcoming medical stuff or major things that happened in the last quarter. Basically like a report card. He does not need to know every detail of our schooling, their activities or our life. But to say things like "dd13 has an appt coming up for an orthodontic consult. Her dance recital went very well, I am so proud of her progress. In school we studied frontiersmen and she really enjoyed making real moccasins, coon hat etc, she is coming along quite nicely in math overcoming a hurdle she was facing, and her composition is really improving. We are looking forward to our forensic science topic coming up next month, and all the gardening we are tackling. She is so excited to have gotten her first job and is doing so well." seems to keep him appeased and out of my hair

 

 

Unfortunately starting with this fall DS will be compulsory attendance age for K, so I can't just ignore the issue. My lawyer put off the issue at the most recent court date by saying he didn't think final a decision had been made (that's true to the extent that I haven't officially filed), but ps K here starts a week before the next court date/final hearing so I will need to make it official soon. I've kept pretty extensive records through the last two years of home-pre-schooling (in part for this reason) so I'm thinking that I may want to put together a binder of official-type progress reports, education plans, book lists, work samples to show the court that what I have been doing with DS so far has met or exceeded what he would have received in the ps system. Add to that the official paperwork for K and I would imagine that would satisfy the court?

 

I like the idea of doing a periodic progress report. This would be similar to what I was already planning to do to satisfy the district's evaluation requirements. I would love to be able to just send him a copy of the yearly report, but I don't know if that will fly. I can't imagine having to do it weekly though (so invasive and time-consuming). Minimally I would send him a copy of the intent to homeschool/education plan and yearly progress report.

 

For those who do the periodic progress reports do you email them directly or do you just post them somewhere (similar to the google calendar idea) so he can find them if he wants to bother? I do like the idea of the latter.

 

Your attorney needs to be in on the discussion. I wouldn't share ANY info without it going through him/her during a custody battle.

 

I am definitley keeping my attorney in the discussion. He is advising me to provide more info to my ex. and to do it directly (in a documentable way). I would much prefer that everthing go through the lawyers, but I guess it's not really practical. I do plan to discuss exactly what and how I plan to disclose information with him first though.

[swellmomma]

I send mine via email with him having to acknowledge receipt of it (you know that little box shows up he has to click), that way I have copies of everything I sent plus I he can't claim he didn't get them because he had to send receipt of them. Documentation with arseholes like this is key. The more the better. I would keep a binder of those records to show if it ever goes to court, but only send out reports quarterly or based on semester/trimester. I do one every 3 months. They are short and sweet but hit all the major points while remaining vague enough to protect privacy and avoid his antics. He thinks he is so clever to "demand" these that he has no clue how much of it is in my control kwim. Because he thinks it was his idea and he is forcing it on me (and I play along with that) he is appeased by what I send. But honestly it only works out to 1/2 page per kid every 3 months worth of information I give him. They tell me more about what he is doing with them during phone calls when they visit him (rare but does happen). In my province we have to register and have an oversight board so I don't have to worry about other documents, but if we didn't have that I would keep a binder with current samples in everything, book lists, field trips, photos documenting larger projects or events etc. Keep it as a portfolio. If you never have to show it in court it is a nice momento, and you will already be an expert at compiling one before college applications go out :)

[morgan]

I raised my stepdaughter (now a college student). Her father had full legal and physical custody since she was about 1 and her birth mother was difficult to deal with, but we always settled things outside of court. I do know that laws vary from state. Where we live the non-custodial parent has the right to view medical and school documents, but not necessarily make the decisions regarding those areas. We never behaved like we were hiding anything, and always provided the requested information so she never sought it out on her own.

 

She was initially against homeschooling, but we didn't ask her permission, we just informed her it was something we were going to do do. We always worded it "distance learning." We chose to use Calvert with ATS for elementary school, so we had transcripts and records (an umbrella school or virtual charter might even be better options now). We had "proof" we were actually schooling and that was enough to appease her. We did get annual standardized testing done at the end of each school year. This is beyond what our state requires of homeschoolers; however, my stepdaughter always had impressive scores and her bio mom seemed pleased to see she was doing so well compared to the "average." We only provided these documents if she had a visit at the end of the school year or during the summer. So, she didn't get this info every single year, as her visits were sporadic.

 

We also did provide her with a list of concert dates, sports schedules, etc when she would ask; however, she rarely followed through on attending any. As my SD got older, she became less concerned, to the point that years pass between visits or phone calls. I think for some people, it is just a control issue (I am sure others are genuinely concerned about their kid's education). Basically, we stayed out of court, so we never were court ordered to provide any documents. We did give her things she requested and collected them for the next visit, but we didn't give her monthly updates or anything like that. Unless you are splitting physical time during the week, I can't see that the other parent would need your daily or even weekly schedule. I guess in your situation it will really depend on what the court orders or what kind of arrangement you can settle on. Hopefully, time will make it easier; it certainly did in our situation.

[SilverFirefly]

I send mine via email with him having to acknowledge receipt of it (you know that little box shows up he has to click), that way I have copies of everything I sent plus I he can't claim he didn't get them because he had to send receipt of them. Documentation with arseholes like this is key. The more the better. I would keep a binder of those records to show if it ever goes to court, but only send out reports quarterly or based on semester/trimester. I do one every 3 months. They are short and sweet but hit all the major points while remaining vague enough to protect privacy and avoid his antics. He thinks he is so clever to "demand" these that he has no clue how much of it is in my control kwim. Because he thinks it was his idea and he is forcing it on me (and I play along with that) he is appeased by what I send. But honestly it only works out to 1/2 page per kid every 3 months worth of information I give him. They tell me more about what he is doing with them during phone calls when they visit him (rare but does happen). In my province we have to register and have an oversight board so I don't have to worry about other documents, but if we didn't have that I would keep a binder with current samples in everything, book lists, field trips, photos documenting larger projects or events etc. Keep it as a portfolio. If you never have to show it in court it is a nice momento, and you will already be an expert at compiling one before college applications go out :)

 

Thanks! That's helpful. In my state we don't have an oversight board. We have to notify the school district and they can ask for an education plan and evaluation of progress (usually a written progress report, dated work samples OR standardized test scores), but I suspect that's not exactly the same thing. I probably don't HAVE to keep anything beyond these requirements, but the rules in my state are a little vague so I'd rather over document, especially when he is using homeschooling as a custody argument.

 

I raised my stepdaughter (now a college student). Her father had full legal and physical custody since she was about 1 and her birth mother was difficult to deal with, but we always settled things outside of court. I do know that laws vary from state. Where we live the non-custodial parent has the right to view medical and school documents, but not necessarily make the decisions regarding those areas. We never behaved like we were hiding anything, and always provided the requested information so she never sought it out on her own.

 

She was initially against homeschooling, but we didn't ask her permission, we just informed her it was something we were going to do do. We always worded it "distance learning." We chose to use Calvert with ATS for elementary school, so we had transcripts and records (an umbrella school or virtual charter might even be better options now). We had "proof" we were actually schooling and that was enough to appease her. We did get annual standardized testing done at the end of each school year. This is beyond what our state requires of homeschoolers; however, my stepdaughter always had impressive scores and her bio mom seemed pleased to see she was doing so well compared to the "average." We only provided these documents if she had a visit at the end of the school year or during the summer. So, she didn't get this info every single year, as her visits were sporadic.

 

We also did provide her with a list of concert dates, sports schedules, etc when she would ask; however, she rarely followed through on attending any. As my SD got older, she became less concerned, to the point that years pass between visits or phone calls. I think for some people, it is just a control issue (I am sure others are genuinely concerned about their kid's education). Basically, we stayed out of court, so we never were court ordered to provide any documents. We did give her things she requested and collected them for the next visit, but we didn't give her monthly updates or anything like that. Unless you are splitting physical time during the week, I can't see that the other parent would need your daily or even weekly schedule. I guess in your situation it will really depend on what the court orders or what kind of arrangement you can settle on. Hopefully, time will make it easier; it certainly did in our situation.

 

Yeah, I initially tried to settle this mess out of court with HIS family mediating, but he refused to meet with them and filed in the courts instead. From what I understand my state has the same basic legal situation with regard to the custodial parent making the decisions and the non-custodial parent having the right to obtain certain information. I have not made a point of hiding information (other than DSs confidential mental health record). If he had bothered to ask me for some particular information I would very likely have provided it, though I do have concerns about volunteering information to him that relates to his negative effect on DS (because I don't want him to interrogate DS, force him to keep secrets, etc.) or anything related to where we will be at any given time (because I don't want him to show up). Ex currently gets four hours a week (soon to become six) with court ordered exchanges at the police station so I don't think he needs to know anything about our schedule. I get that in an ideal situation the NCP might like to have a little synopsis of major events of the week but I really think asking me to provide that every week is a bit much under the circumstances. So far the court hasn't ordered me to provide him with any information at all. But I think my lawyer wants me to provide certain information so that I don't look like I'm withholding and to avoid giving the judge any excuse to take issue with me.

 

I really do think this is about control for the ex. He doesn't act like someone who is genuinely concerned and he has always been someone who had to have every thing his way. If he were really concerned he could have sent me a simple text "DS said he went to the eye doctor. Is everything okay?" and I would have told him what the deal was. With the homeschooling, he could have discussed those concerns with me I tried to talk to him. The only two concerns he has ever raised aren't really even valid: financial (not his problem since I haven't asked him for extra support to pay for it) and social (DS is in group activities 4+ days a week). I'm definitely not asking his permission - I'm making the decision I think is best for DS after consulting with all the professionals involved - but I do want to make sure I meet my obligations to notify him (I'm just really hate that it means poking the bear, so to speak).

 

Thanks for the thoughts :)

[*Lulu*]

Based on the added information I would suggest the following:

 

Give the monthly (or quarterly whatever your lawyer thinks best) report including the phrase, "based on expert so-and-so's recommendation and following state statute 12345 I filed our home education plan with the school."

 

In the next report include, "continuing to follow the advice of expert so-and-so we did xyz educational thing."

 

I would consistently, purposely couch the homeschooling as following expert recommendations, or the care plan created with expert input. In the eyes of the court it should add weight to what you are doing and Ex complaining about it will look as though he does not have the best interests of the child as his number one priority.

[Pod's mum]

Hello Elizabeth,

You have some good advice here. In our case we are legally required to do an annual review to Home Educate. From the very start I have always put much more work and information in this than required and had a very good relationship with the Education Dept reviewers. This meant that when his lawyer subpoenaed the Ed Dept documentation it strongly supported my case not his.

 

Keep a strong and positive relationship with your state's home education regulation dept. At various times it was their paperwork that helped us limp from one court visit to the next over the years.

 

I like the idea of giving that information (after the event) via recordable email collection.

Again this shows in court that you are going out of your way to keep him informed and part of his son's life.

Good luck. It is a marathon.

[Anne in CA]

I like the idea of the email that he has to prove he received to receive it. I home schooled my step dd and her mother never liked it, but her mother did not get a vote. Her mother was easier to deal with because she paid no child support so she was unwilling to risk court where a judge might decide she needed to pay some on general principal even if we were in court for something else.

 

I will say that home schooling a child with a difficult non custodial parent is REALLY good, because sending a child to school on a Monday after a bad weekend is really hard, the child learns nothing, and teachers get grumpy. Home schooling was amazing for my step dd and she made a lot of personal progress during the four years she was home schooled even though she always complained about home schooling because her mother did not want her to do it.

[Twigs]

… I may want to put together a binder of official-type progress reports, education plans, book lists, work samples to show the court that what I have been doing with DS so far has met or exceeded what he would have received in the ps system. Add to that the official paperwork for K and I would imagine that would satisfy the court? …

 

If I were in your situation, I would follow the public school topics closely (not the curriculum necessarily) so the court and/or the ex cannot say you are leaving stuff out. Best wishes :grouphug: :grouphug:

[ondreeuh]

 

Unfortunately starting with this fall DS will be compulsory attendance age for K, so I can't just ignore the issue. My lawyer put off the issue at the most recent court date by saying he didn't think final a decision had been made (that's true to the extent that I haven't officially filed), but ps K here starts a week before the next court date/final hearing so I will need to make it official soon. I've kept pretty extensive records through the last two years of home-pre-schooling (in part for this reason) so I'm thinking that I may want to put together a binder of official-type progress reports, education plans, book lists, work samples to show the court that what I have been doing with DS so far has met or exceeded what he would have received in the ps system. Add to that the official paperwork for K and I would imagine that would satisfy the court?

 

 

 

 

It really sounds like you are trying to bend over backwards to assure the judge that you are being reasonable, so that the judge will give you permission to homeschool. You do not need to ask the judge to give you permission to homeschool! You currently have sole legal custody, and thus already have the right to make educational decisions for your child. Don't even go there. If he brings it up, just state that you are following your state's laws with regards to education. If your ex wants a say, he has to first have some legal right to an opinion.

 

Let your ex's fight for rights be about his access to the child, not about homeschooling. Until he has legal custody, the most he could do was accuse you of educational neglect. In case that ever happens, make sure you file appropriately and keep modest records (maybe a yearly standardized test and a few work samples) JUST IN CASE. Don't offer them unless you need to defend yourself against neglect. I would really share as little as possible - the less he knows, the less he has to criticize.

 

Don't apologize for things you have the right to do. Personally, I would not share ANY information that I didn't have to. IF the ex was granted shared custody, THEN involve him as much as you are required to. Until then ... leave him out of it. Maybe he will get bored. Maybe he has a girlfriend who is pushing this, and she will go away.

 

I would be very surprised if he had access to medical records without legal custody. When I had sole legal & physical custody, my ex still had "parental rights" that only gave him the ability to petition for custody. I did not need his permission for anything that I know of. I might have needed it for a passport, but it didn't come up before his rights were finally terminated.

 

I am confused about why your lawyer seems to be advising you to ask your ex for permission when you don't need it.

[swellmomma]

ondreeuh brings up a really good point. I agree having the documentation is a a great thing to do and can be very helpful with ex's that are likely to haul you back to court not because they think the child is getting a bad education but just because they want to control where that education happens. But everytime you go into court and homeschooling is brought up you have to stand firm that you are following the legal requirements and that homeschooling is a parental decision to be made by you. When I had some issues a few years back, the biggest issue was that I homeschooled, and I was told repeatedly if I agreed to put the kids into ps the file would be closed. But the fact is where the child's education is delivered is a parental decision to be made by the custodial parent. I stayed firm on that and never waivered. In the end the file was closed anyway and I continue to homeschool. When it comes to ex's in court you have to stand firmly on that, some judges are against it the same way some regular folks are against it, but the fact remains as long as you do the legally requirements you have the right to choose your child's education. Now that said the documentation is good in case the ex ever tries to claim educational neglect. You can whip out the handy binder with samples and laugh at him. So my advice is documented reports to ex, portfolio of learning, and a commitment to stand firm in your intention to homeschool and do not waiver even a little no matter how loud someone clammers against it.

[SilverFirefly]

Based on the added information I would suggest the following:

 

Give the monthly (or quarterly whatever your lawyer thinks best) report including the phrase, "based on expert so-and-so's recommendation and following state statute 12345 I filed our home education plan with the school."

 

In the next report include, "continuing to follow the advice of expert so-and-so we did xyz educational thing."

 

I would consistently, purposely couch the homeschooling as following expert recommendations, or the care plan created with expert input. In the eyes of the court it should add weight to what you are doing and Ex complaining about it will look as though he does not have the best interests of the child as his number one priority.

 

Interesting suggestion about making a point to state on whatever I send him that the professionals support the decision. I'm not sure it will keep him from raising a stink, but it might make it more obvious that he is doing it just to be a pain. My lawyer even told him in the four-way meeting prior to the last court date that I would make the decision in consultation with DSs professionals, but they still brought it up as this major concern.

 

In our case we are legally required to do an annual review to Home Educate. From the very start I have always put much more work and information in this than required and had a very good relationship with the Education Dept reviewers. This meant that when his lawyer subpoenaed the Ed Dept documentation it strongly supported my case not his.

 

Keep a strong and positive relationship with your state's home education regulation dept. At various times it was their paperwork that helped us limp from one court visit to the next over the years.

 

In my state, we don't deal with the Dept of Ed we deal directly with the local school department, and from what I have heard my local school department largely ignores the hsers other than approving ed plans and ensuring satisfactory progress. But I will definitely make sure that everything I submit to them is well done and complete since even things I don't share with him could be subject to subpoena.

 

I like the idea of the email that he has to prove he received to receive it. I home schooled my step dd and her mother never liked it, but her mother did not get a vote. Her mother was easier to deal with because she paid no child support so she was unwilling to risk court where a judge might decide she needed to pay some on general principal even if we were in court for something else.

 

I will say that home schooling a child with a difficult non custodial parent is REALLY good, because sending a child to school on a Monday after a bad weekend is really hard, the child learns nothing, and teachers get grumpy. Home schooling was amazing for my step dd and she made a lot of personal progress during the four years she was home schooled even though she always complained about home schooling because her mother did not want her to do it.

 

Yeah, the ex has no such hesitation to use the legal system. He is currently paying because he decided to go to court...before that he wasn't. It's good to know that the impact of a difficult non-custodial parent was helped by homeschooling. It has been my experience so far that the flexibility of homeschooling has been really good for DS since we can adapt if he has a bad day or whatever. And unfortunately visits so far have proven (in my observation) to be very destabilizing for DS.

 

If I were in your situation, I would follow the public school topics closely (not the curriculum necessarily) so the court and/or the ex cannot say you are leaving stuff out. Best wishes :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

I haven't been able to find an actual list of what is taught in K in my school district, but I am pretty positive that we will be including everything and then some. DS is "ahead" if not actually gifted (probably 2E), so just by progressing logically from what we did this year our subjects and levels will look a lot more like a WTM 1st/2nd. In this case it probably helps that I'm planning to use mostly formal curriculum rather than unschooling.

 

It really sounds like you are trying to bend over backwards to assure the judge that you are being reasonable, so that the judge will give you permission to homeschool. You do not need to ask the judge to give you permission to homeschool! You currently have sole legal custody, and thus already have the right to make educational decisions for your child. Don't even go there. If he brings it up, just state that you are following your state's laws with regards to education. If your ex wants a say, he has to first have some legal right to an opinion.

 

Let your ex's fight for rights be about his access to the child, not about homeschooling. Until he has legal custody, the most he could do was accuse you of educational neglect. In case that ever happens, make sure you file appropriately and keep modest records (maybe a yearly standardized test and a few work samples) JUST IN CASE. Don't offer them unless you need to defend yourself against neglect. I would really share as little as possible - the less he knows, the less he has to criticize.

 

Don't apologize for things you have the right to do. Personally, I would not share ANY information that I didn't have to. IF the ex was granted shared custody, THEN involve him as much as you are required to. Until then ... leave him out of it. Maybe he will get bored. Maybe he has a girlfriend who is pushing this, and she will go away.

 

I would be very surprised if he had access to medical records without legal custody. When I had sole legal & physical custody, my ex still had "parental rights" that only gave him the ability to petition for custody. I did not need his permission for anything that I know of. I might have needed it for a passport, but it didn't come up before his rights were finally terminated.

 

I am confused about why your lawyer seems to be advising you to ask your ex for permission when you don't need it.

ondreeuh brings up a really good point. I agree having the documentation is a a great thing to do and can be very helpful with ex's that are likely to haul you back to court not because they think the child is getting a bad education but just because they want to control where that education happens. But everytime you go into court and homeschooling is brought up you have to stand firm that you are following the legal requirements and that homeschooling is a parental decision to be made by you. When I had some issues a few years back, the biggest issue was that I homeschooled, and I was told repeatedly if I agreed to put the kids into ps the file would be closed. But the fact is where the child's education is delivered is a parental decision to be made by the custodial parent. I stayed firm on that and never waivered. In the end the file was closed anyway and I continue to homeschool. When it comes to ex's in court you have to stand firmly on that, some judges are against it the same way some regular folks are against it, but the fact remains as long as you do the legally requirements you have the right to choose your child's education. Now that said the documentation is good in case the ex ever tries to claim educational neglect. You can whip out the handy binder with samples and laugh at him. So my advice is documented reports to ex, portfolio of learning, and a commitment to stand firm in your intention to homeschool and do not waiver even a little no matter how loud someone clammers against it.

 

Good points. I am just so terrified that the ex will somehow convince the judge to give him custody (even though my lawyer says that isn't going to happen) that I want to have any evidence I could possibly need. I don't plan to ask the judge or the ex's permission to hs, but I do want to be able to prove that I am meeting the legal requirements both in terms of what I am submitting and what we are actually doing.

 

The point about sharing as little as possible because the less he knows the less he has to criticize is exactly how I feel. Any information I give feels like I am just asking for trouble. Unfortunately I am going to have to give him some information and that they want me to share lots of information. I'm not sure how to find that balance between sharing as little as possible and sharing "enough". My lawyer is telling me I should inform him every time DS goes to the doctor, etc. And it is apparent I will need to inform him of DS school enrollment status. The lawyers even wanted me to send a notebook with DS every week with informaion about what has gone on during the week or to use this family wizard website. Both of those options just feel way too invasive to me, like tools that would be appropriate for sharing information in a shared custody situation. I'm not trying to exclude him completely but he is the non-custodial parent. I don't think my lawyer's intent is to get me to ask my ex's permission for anything (he actually told my ex that homeschooling was a decision I would make and that it was really not an issue for discussion, which is probably part of what ticked my ex off) but he wants everyone to play nice in the sandbox and communicate ammicably.

[TraceyS/FL]

ONe thing to keep in mind is that unless the other posters are in your county (not even just your state), their advice might not be applicable. Most of it would not fly here in front of my judge from my divorce.

 

I'm not sure how your state has "custody", but here in FL (at last check), there are basically 3 types of custody - physical, medical and educational. So unless it is specified, it is assumed that both parents have equal say in all 3 areas. So here, you may have full physical custody, but unless it specified the other 2 - you could not just tell him that you are HSing, because he still would have rights in the other 2 areas.

 

My experience is, is that if the father objects to homeschooling - the courts are as educated as the general public about it, and will side with the public school being the better choice. Expert opinions mean nothing unless that expert is called to testify (and paid for their time) and states it directly to the court.

 

You are correct in that it is a control issue on his part more than likely, but there is hope that after the dust settles he will come to understand that your true intent was indeed your son's best interests being served.

 

Best of luck, I hope that it can go smoothly for you!

[SilverFirefly]

I appreciate everyone's suggestions . You all have given me a lot to think about.

 

ONe thing to keep in mind is that unless the other posters are in your county (not even just your state), their advice might not be applicable. Most of it would not fly here in front of my judge from my divorce.

 

I'm not sure how your state has "custody", but here in FL (at last check), there are basically 3 types of custody - physical, medical and educational. So unless it is specified, it is assumed that both parents have equal say in all 3 areas. So here, you may have full physical custody, but unless it specified the other 2 - you could not just tell him that you are HSing, because he still would have rights in the other 2 areas.

 

My experience is, is that if the father objects to homeschooling - the courts are as educated as the general public about it, and will side with the public school being the better choice. Expert opinions mean nothing unless that expert is called to testify (and paid for their time) and states it directly to the court.

 

You are correct in that it is a control issue on his part more than likely, but there is hope that after the dust settles he will come to understand that your true intent was indeed your son's best interests being served.

 

Best of luck, I hope that it can go smoothly for you!

 

Great point that things can vary a lot depending on the specific jurisdiction.

 

My state (MA) is a little unusual. Here we have "legal custody" and then there is "parenting time" (i.e. visitation). Here if the parents were never married, the mother automatically has custody and the father, even if he is on the birth certificate, doesn't even have parenting time (unless the mother allows it or the judge orders it). So because ex and I were never married (best decision I ever made) I have full legal custody unless and until a judge says otherwise. Ex now has 4 hours of parenting time a week (up from 1 hour of supervised and soon to be 6 hours). So here in MA because I have full legal custody I make all the decisions on medical, education, etc. though he has the some right to information about those decisions. From what I've been told as long as I maintain legal custody and meet the all the requirements for hsing there isn't much he (or even a judge) can actually do because I do have the right to make educational decisions for my DS. So not sure what he thinks he is accomplishing by raising it as an issue other than trying to be a pain and making me look like I'm trying to keep DS from any contact with the world (which is not the case at all).

 

I hope you that he will someday understand that I am only trying do what is best for DS, but unfortunately I think things will always have to be his way to be acceptable. It makes me sad for DS.

[TraceyS/FL]

Oh that is reassuring to hear - sounds like you are in a good spot with that aspect then!

 

I never thought my ex would see it, but he is the one that withdrew our special needs daughter from PS after a 2 year divorce struggle over it (and a whole lot of $$). There is hope - the rational side comes back around. Well, I guess that only works if he had it to start with ;)

 

I feel better for you now, you have a good legal leg to stand on. I think I would come up with some sort of "monthly summary" form to fill in and send him via email/snail mail. Ask your lawyer which one to use. I have used email programs that ask me about sending read receipts - i could deny it if I wanted.

 

Hang in there! :grouphug:

[lovinmomma]

http://www.ourfamilywizard.com/ofw/

 

This is a website made specifically for communication in divorce/seperation issues.

[vonfirmath]

I send mine via email with him having to acknowledge receipt of it (you know that little box shows up he has to click), that way I have copies of everything I sent plus I he can't claim he didn't get them because he had to send receipt of them. Documentation with arseholes like this is key.

 

 

You can REQUEST read receipt of an email. But I haven't seen a system yet that doesn't have the option on the other end to "Never send read receipts"

 

Which is how I set all my programs. So be aware that if you have a knowledgeable recipient you may not get a read receipt even if they read it.

 

If you MUST have proof they receipt it, certified mail is still the best way to go.

[SilverFirefly]

This is all so stressful and confusing. It just makes me want to sit down and cry.

 

Oh that is reassuring to hear - sounds like you are in a good spot with that aspect then! I never thought my ex would see it, but he is the one that withdrew our special needs daughter from PS after a 2 year divorce struggle over it (and a whole lot of $$). There is hope - the rational side comes back around. Well, I guess that only works if he had it to start with ;) I feel better for you now, you have a good legal leg to stand on. I think I would come up with some sort of "monthly summary" form to fill in and send him via email/snail mail. Ask your lawyer which one to use. I have used email programs that ask me about sending read receipts - i could deny it if I wanted. Hang in there! :grouphug:

 

Thanks.

 

From talking to his family I'm not so sure that he ever did have a rational side. So I'm not going to hold my breath.

 

http://www.ourfamilywizard.com/ofw/ This is a website made specifically for communication in divorce/seperation issues.

 

I looked at this site and I have really mixed feelings. It looks like a really wonderful tool for true collaboration between coparents who share custody (which we don't). I just don't know that we are (or may ever be) at a point where that kind of communication is workable. It sounds so horrible to say that, but my experience has been that the less communication we have the better. Then there's the cost which I truly can't afford.

 

You can REQUEST read receipt of an email. But I haven't seen a system yet that doesn't have the option on the other end to "Never send read receipts" Which is how I set all my programs. So be aware that if you have a knowledgeable recipient you may not get a read receipt even if they read it. If you MUST have proof they receipt it, certified mail is still the best way to go.

 

That occurred to me. I know mine gives the option to send or not. I imagine he is computer literate enough to figure it out and I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't send them. At this point I'm less worried about having proof that he received anything than having proof that I made information available to him.