My 7 Year Old Keeps Calling Me a Liar

[JumpyTheFrog]

Whenever we don't get to something I thought we could do because we run out of time, Tigger gets very upset. For example, today we bought a sprinkler. I said he could play in it after I was done watering the area I seeded. While we were eating lunch, DH and I decided that the kids could play outside until 3:30 and then we'd go shopping. We told them about then.

 

A 3:15, Tigger asked if he could play in the sprinkler yet. I said no, the lawn wasn't done being watered and we were about to go. He then yelled at me and called me a liar. After I sent him inside, I turned off the hose (the lawn still wasn't done yet) and we got ready and went.

 

I tried to explain that when we don't get to something because we run out of time, that doesn't mean I lied, just that I did a poor job figuring out how long everything would take. In this case, I greatly underestimated how long watering the lawn would take. I've never done it before. It didn't seem to matter to him.

 

This is probably the second or third time he's called me a liar for something like this in the past two weeks. It's getting to the point that I don't want to answer any questions about what we will have time to do so I don't have to hear his explosions if the day doesn't go as scheduled. And at least half the time, when we don't get to something, it's because he wasted so many minutes or hours arguing, being a slow poke, or storming off to his room.

 

What do we do? I've already read "The Explosive Child" and agree that he's inflexible, but the book didn't have much useful advice in my opinion. Most of it came down to ignoring most problems. (I did like the advice about how to ask questions to find out what the real problem is, but Tigger isn't very introspective and just answers "I don't know" most of the time when I try this approach.)

[Catwoman]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

It's very difficult when you have a child who wants everything to go exactly as planned, or who is overly rigid about promises and rules. I'm not sure what you can do about it, except to be as non-committal as you can when you're not sure if you'll have time to do something he wants to do. It might almost be best to say no, and then let it be a happy surprise if it turns out you're able to do the thing he wants.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I don't make promises for that very reason. So, no, I would not have told him that he could play in it after you seeded and then assumed that he'd know or understand that meant only if the seeding was done early enough. I would have said, "I can't promise, but if we get the seeding done early enough. . . " or with my child that would still have been devastated, "The answer is no." Then if circumstances changed, I would say, "I know that I said no, but circumstances have changed so that I can say yes."

[PentecostalMom]

I, too, don't make concrete promises. My 7yo isn't explosive, but if I tell her we will do something, or that she can do something, the expectaion is there that whatever will actually happen. I will tell her that maybe, we have to see, I will do my best, etc.. Nothing promised unless I am absolutely certain I can follow through.

 

However, calling you a liar, IMO, is a respect issue. Nome of my dc are permitted to speak to me like that, even if I make an error in judgement.

[violamama]

My 5 yo has confused telling a lie with having a change of plans as well. He also doesn't like "if" answers (i.e. "If we have time then you can play in the sprinkler.") and often thinks they mean he WILL get to play in the sprinkler anyway.

 

He has been taught, however, that yelling at me or calling me a liar is not acceptable. If he does that, I ask him questions like these and follow up with consequences when necessary:

Are you allowed to shout and call names like "liar"?

Is changing plans lying?

Did I change plans because I didn't want you to have sprinkler time?

Would you like to have the privilege of sprinkler time tomorrow? (This last one means, knock it off or we won't be able to offer that privilege- yes, it's basically a threat.)

 

I agree with Catwoman & others, it's probably best to be noncommittal or answer "maybe" or use "if" until he's gained some maturity there.

 

The Love and Logic book aimed at teachers has the best practical advice IMHO. It helps me not to get into long arguments, or yell, or revert to sarcasm (my native tongue).

 

Definitely commiserating with you!

[JumpyTheFrog]

In the past, when I've answered "maybe" about something, he's often convinced himself I've said yes. I guess I just need to say "I don't know" to everything that is anything but a definite yes or no.

 

I agree about him being disrepectful toward me. This is a huge problem he has. It's like having a sulking, moody teenager around. DH and I were joking a few nights ago (not in front of Tigger) that by the time he's 15, he won't have anything left to say, because he's been pulling the "I'm moving out" or "I'm running away" card twice a week for the last six weeks.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I think that is your solution. To tell him a yes and then renege on that because it wasn't convenient or you decided to do something else as well and didn't have time, is lying, in my opinion. I know you didn't mean it that way but I'm a bit of a "let your 'yes' be 'yes'" sort of a person.

[QueenCat]

Although calling me a liar wouldn't be cool, I also work very hard to not make promises I may not be able to keep. If we have time, or we might, is much better than saying "we will" and then discovering you have to renege with a young child. Emergencies don't count as far as that goes though.........

[MomatHWTK]

I've been watching a Coursera class on ADHD and it discusses executive function and other issues as well. For a child (or adult like me) who sees things very "black and white" you need to choose factual statements over emotional ones, don't offer up possibilities until you are certain, and expect a lot of over-emotion in the person's reactions. I would interpret the "teenager" statements to be an indication of a real emotion expressed badly- which can be an executive function issue. Acknowledge the emotion and the misunderstanding and gently try to teach him to control the bad expression of it.

 

We are at a stage where we are getting outside help for our explosive child. But the above is what I am trying to do at home.

 

I can say when my DH tries to explain to me why I misunderstood what he clearly said, it makes my head explode. LOL! I've told him that when I come to him with an issue it is not helpful to tell me I am just seeing things the wrong way. :glare:

[JumpyTheFrog]

To tell him a yes and then renege on that because it wasn't convenient or you decided to do something else as well and didn't have time, is lying, in my opinion. I know you didn't mean it that way but I'm a bit of a "let your 'yes' be 'yes'" sort of a person.

 

I understand this and will try not to let it happen.

 

However, he is the type of person who wants to know ahead of time what is happening when. If it doesn't go that way, it upsets him greatly. How do I balance his need to know the schedule with not wanting to tell him anything because he'll explode if things change? Like I said, often things change because of his misbehavior wasting too much time. Also, I have unpredictable energy levels because of my health problems. This makes it harder to stick to any schedule/plan.

[violamama]

In the past, when I've answered "maybe" about something, he's often convinced himself I've said yes. I guess I just need to say "I don't know" to everything that is anything but a definite yes or no.

 

 

I might even take it a step further to make it "out of your hands" rather than him having to wait on you to decide.

 

You can say something like, "We'll have to see how long this takes." or "It will depend what the plans are for the afternoon and how the lawn watering goes." This way, he can actually help you determine the answer and will still feel some control. My 5yo is definitely waaay into wanting control and this helps him a lot. I might even ask him to help me keep an eye on the time to determine what will fit in our day. If something he wanted gets left out, sometimes we can help him redirect his frustration by saying, "I know you would like the sprinkler to be on the schedule tomorrow. Can you please remind me in the morning so it makes it into our free time plan?"

 

It's hard, isn't it, to determine when you need to teach your child to just go with what you say and when you can rework your wording to make it easier for them? I don't want to bend over backwards for my very bright, socially advanced, sometimes crazy 5 year old because I know the world will not. The world doesn't revolve around him. But then again, it makes our day so much smoother and I see him getting better at adapting almost daily...

 

ETA: For disrespect, we say, "Would you like to try that again" a LOT. He's very good at friendly-calm-polite voiced do-overs. Yours might be, too.

[Sasharowan]

I've taken to telling my kids to ask me again after..... For instance, the watering...I would say, ask me after I have finished watering. If they forget to ask, apparently it wasn't important to them. It also cuts down on the can I do X after school is finished. If I say yes, and they don't finish school til dinnertime due to stalling tactics, then I have a meltdown on my hands. If I make them wait to ask til then, it avoids the meltdown, sometimes.

[JumpyTheFrog]

I would interpret the "teenager" statements to be an indication of a real emotion expressed badly- which can be an executive function issue. Acknowledge the emotion and the misunderstanding and gently try to teach him to control the bad expression of it.

 

Yes, he usually goes straight to arguing, yelling at me, whining, or storming off, without making any attempt to politely state his case. (His natural tendency is to escalate situations.) The last few months he has also started growling and grunting his displeasure at us. He does it so often and so automatically he sometimes doesn't even know he's done it. We try to tell him how to politely state how he feels and have him repeat it back. He does this on his own sometimes, but it's slow progress.

 

How do we deal with all the disrepect? I agree calling me a liar shouldn't be tolerated, but I have no idea what to do about it. He's so impulsive in what he says (and does to his brother).

[amo_mea_filiis.]

Maybe you could read the explosive child again. He DOES give some great ideas, ways to work "plan B."

 

Plan A is discouraged- imposing your will.

 

Plan C is letting it go.

 

Plan B is working it out.

 

I love it in theory, but my son has an expressive language disorder and has a really, really hard time getting things out. But I try to remember plan b, and try to work things out. I use plan c when he curses during discussion (in other words, yes I ignore the cursing).

 

Sometimes trying to work it out opens concerns of his I had never imagined!

 

For example, when he asks to play with the neighbor boys late in the day, my automatic response is no. His response is a tantrum. If I back up and apologize for jumping to no so quickly, he'll calm down. I ask him why it's such a big deal that he go play right this second. It shouldn't have surprised me, but it did; he had a valid point. His concern was that he wasn't going to be able to play with them all week because they're in school. He didn't get to play earlier or yesterday because they were helping their father. So I thought about it and decided that he could go play.

 

I thought he'd been playing with the neighbors all day yesterday, but he had just been riding his scooter and playing with a neighbor dog.

 

I'm personally ignoring quite a bit and am seeing some increase in communication. I'm also working on labeling his feelings for him with the hopes it'll stick.

[Chris in VA]

I would try to not react to every grunt or growl, as it can escalate quickly, like you said.

 

OTOH, I'd also try not to be held hostage by his explosiveness. If he chooses to explode, he chooses a negative consequence, either natural or logical (using up time that could be better used another way--so he doesn't get his work done, say, and has to use free time to do it--for example). Try not to tip toe around, so to speak, just because you don't want the reaction. Help him gain control of his reactions by allowing him to experience them and learning how to manage them, not managing them for him.

Does that make sense?

 

Of course, you can help by doing your parental part wrt any food issues (dyes/artificial flavors, dairy/gluten stuff, etc) environmental issues (too much stimulation/sensorial input, electronics/screens, etc), and training for social interactions.

[AimeeM]

Well, in all fairness, you did tell him he COULD; not that he MIGHT be able to if time permitted, but that he COULD (which, to a child, seems definite.

If I tell someone I *will* do something, that I then do not do, I would expect them to be upset, no matter how valid my excuse, which is why it's best to leave it at that I will "do my best to do x".

 

You said this has happened more than once - he might be tired of being told he WILL be able to do something, only to end up disappointed.

 

My advice would be to stop giving a definite "yes" or permission for future events.

[*Lulu*]

 

 

I understand this and will try not to let it happen.

 

However, he is the type of person who wants to know ahead of time what is happening when. If it doesn't go that way, it upsets him greatly. How do I balance his need to know the schedule with not wanting to tell him anything because he'll explode if things change? Like I said, often things change because of his misbehavior wasting too much time. Also, I have unpredictable energy levels because of my health problems. This makes it harder to stick to any schedule/plan.

 

You just described my Punk to T.

 

You have my deepest sympathy as age seven was a bear.

 

I can say that maturity has helped some, as has OT. Some of the best ideas we've found for working with him have been stumbled upon by accident and fine tuned by trial and error. I felt vindicated in all the things I had done with him over the years that my family had poo-pooed when his therapist told me they were exactly what he needed. (Talk about serving a side of self satisfaction with the pumpkin pie at Thanksgiving!)

 

Off the top of my head here are some of the things we've done to balance his need to know with his rigidity:

 

Establishing routines instead of schedules. (No times included unless they are hard starts, like therapy appointments, that way you just let things take what they take. My kid listens to his stomach enough that he will happily skip to a meal without complaint.)

 

Establishing alternate routines. We have a plan A and a plan B routine (actually we also have a C, but I digress) it took awhile practicing, but now I can announce we are switching to plan B and he knows what to expect, and can make the mental adjustment to the new schedule.

 

Putting every routine, subroutine, and alternate routine in writing. If it is typed up I can hand it over or post it and then "it" is the heavy telling him what to do; I am a just a follower of the list like him.

 

Once you have firmly established routines that everyone functions well with, practice regularly making tiny changes. It does not have to be huge, or negative, but small Challanges build up thier ability to deal eventually with bigger changes.

 

For us we had to make very, very, super crazy clear our behavioral expectations. And set out the consequence for meltdowns. As part of that we try to create time and space for him to go and process his frustrations. ie he may ask to go spend 5-10 minutes with his security item in his special chair, but he may not stand in the middle of the room yelling that I am being unreasonable. We may calmly discuss why a change has occurred, but if when I say we need to end the conversation he has a fit he will have earned the consequence for that behavior.

 

Age seven was when we started having almost daily threats of and attempts at running away. We made it clear that it was emotional blackmail, set a firm punishment for even casually mentioning it, and stuck to our guns. It sucked. A lot. But he only once in a blue moon tries to pull it now.

 

We make ourselves available to discuss any grevance he has, but we insist he speak respectful and calmly. We try to very openly own our mistakes so we can model to him what graciousness looks like, and how everyone messes up yet life goes on. (His rigidity extends to his view of himself; he is either totally right and perfect or a completely horrible screwup that no one likes.)

[ktgrok]

I understand this and will try not to let it happen.

 

However, he is the type of person who wants to know ahead of time what is happening when. If it doesn't go that way, it upsets him greatly. How do I balance his need to know the schedule with not wanting to tell him anything because he'll explode if things change? Like I said, often things change because of his misbehavior wasting too much time. Also, I have unpredictable energy levels because of my health problems. This makes it harder to stick to any schedule/plan.

 

My kid was like this. I have to "over explain". I would say, "IF the lawn gets watered, and we stay home, we might get to go in the sprinkler. Or, we might do something else this afternoon. As soon as I know what the plan is, I will tell you." Then, when plans changed you should have started with, "The lawn is taking a long time to get watered. I didn't know it would take so long. So we are going to go to the store while we wait, and then you can run in the sprinkler in the morning at _____ time. " Or, if AT ALL possible I've found that it would be best to go to the store, then let him run in the sprinkler for 15 minutes when you got back, even if it was dark. He may very well decide it is too dark/cold/etc and not do it, but you kept your word. I used to think he should just suck it up and get over it, it wasn't a big deal. But my mom taught me to show him grace, and try to meet him half way, and it made such a difference in his life. He saw how very hard we worked to make things happen for him and that made him less upset when we couldn't make it happen, as he knew we always tried out best.

[fairfarmhand]

HAHA!

 

Been there done that.

 

I've shared the story about my dd who was promised a trip to the park. We woke up that day and it was pouring down rain. She threw a fit and called me a liar.

 

I learned to deal by being very vague about plans and schedules. My answers are like this. "I hope to be able to ...."

 

"When x is done, if we have time we will do y."

 

or the notorious, infuriating (to my daughter) "We'll see!"

 

The vagueness really annoys my daughter who loves to plan down to the minute, but when the alternative is dealing with tantrums, I choose to be vague. At times when she reacts poorly (and she's 15 and still does this) to a vague answer, I tell her it is because she reacts so badly when things don't go as planned, that I don't confirm anything till I am sure.

 

I'm convinced the rigidity is a personality issue. I have 2 family members on opposite sides of the family that do this. If supper's supposed to be at 6 and 6:15 approaches with no food they get antsy. If plans are being made they HAVE to know on the DOT when things should start. There's no, "Well, we will hang out for awhile and when we get hungry we will order a pizza." It's "We will play games, chat and at 7 pm order a pizza."

[*Lulu*]

((Hugs)) lot and lots of ((hugs))

 

Parenting this sort of child is exhausting, and feels more than thankless on some days. Keep searching for the whys, keep working for the balance, keep being consistent in your expectations, life and love, and know that that is the most anyone of us can do for any child.

 

 

[Julie Smith]

I remember years ago when my kids were little I use to not promise anything, or and so many stipulations that they would eventually say, "We Get it!"

 

"We can play in the sprinkler later, if a thunder storm doesn't come up. If someone doesn't suddenly get sick, if a giant stampedee of Rhino's doesn't come charging through our house, if ... " Add that to some conversations and my kids learnt that "Later such and such will happen" automatically came with various unsaid stiuplations.

 

Other than that I tired to watch what I said. I tired not to ever make any promises. Instead it was, "We will likely ___. Later the plan is ____."

[fairfarmhand]

I remember years ago when my kids were little I use to not promise anything, or and so many stipulations that they would eventually say, "We Get it!"

 

"We can play in the sprinkler later, if a thunder storm doesn't come up. If someone doesn't suddenly get sick, if a giant stampedee of Rhino's doesn't come charging through our house, if ... " Add that to some conversations and my kids learnt that "Later such and such will happen" automatically came with various unsaid stiuplations.

 

Other than that I tired to watch what I said. I tired not to ever make any promises. Instead it was, "We will likely ___. Later the plan is ____."

 

This is a fun way of teaching kids that there are many factors that influence our lives.

[bolt.]

Another few phrases I like to use instead of "yes" with kids who that words literally is, "I hope so." Or "I think so." Or "We probably will."

 

He isn't going to understand contingencies or plan changes unless you set him up for it. His definition of a lie is "reality doesn't match what was said" and the definition of a liar is simply "a person who said words that don't match reality" -- other definitions are just too nuanced for him.

[bolt.]

If this happens again and he calls you a liar, keep calm and say something like, "Yes, I see that what is happening is not what I said. I'm sorry -- when I said it I should have remembered to say 'probably'. I didn't mean to make a promise I couldn't be sure if keeping."

[Rosie_0801]

Would he deal well with a "to do" list? One colour for the absolute must do tasks, and another for the rest? He might learn to be ok waiting if he knows unfinished tasks get transferred to the next day's list so won't be completely forgotten.

[DawnM]

My 9 year old is a very flexible kid but he does like concrete answers and if I say I don't know or give a maybe, he will ask again and again!

 

I usually get to the point where I look him in the eye and say, " I have said I am not sure. I don't know if we will be home in time (or whatever), but you cannot ask again or the answer will definitely be a NO!" Then I make him repeat back to me what I said.

[MusicMama]

I have a child that does not respond well to change. I try to help him out, but when hoped for plans are derailed, it is VERY difficult to process the change while simultaneously processing the disappointment. He also has pulled the liar card. I have found that approaching him with the upcoming change is better than him discovering it on his own. "I'm so sorry ds, but because Mommy made a mistake, we won't be able to play in the sprinkler. The grass took longer to water. We are going shopping soon. I am sorry that you are upset, I know you want to play in the water. Instead of playing in the sprinkler, you can choose to pick out the ice cream for tonight." Sometimes that helps...

 

Also, giving a very simplified schedule of the day sometimes helps:

 

"Ok Bean, this is what we are doing today. Chores, School, Lunch, then Park. What happens if you don't do your chores? What happens if it rains? What happens if a shoe stealing monkey climbs into the house and takes all our shoes? (humor helps...)" If plans change, a 30 minute window of warning helps.

 

And this:

I usually get to the point where I look him in the eye and say, " I have said I am not sure. I don't know if we will be home in time (or whatever), but you cannot ask again or the answer will definitely be a NO!" Then I make him repeat back to me what I said.

Wash, rinse, repeat

 

Hugs! It is so frustrating, and what works today, doesn't work tomorrow.

[jenn-]

I have one that has had to mellow over the years. I always joke that the worst thing I ever did was teach the kid how to use a digital clock at age 4. He quickly learned when snack time was and at 3:01 if he wasn't eating a snack, he was in my face until it was ready. He also wanted to know exactly what we were doing and when it was going to be done. I finally stopped telling him. If I needed to go shopping, but was unsure that I would find everything in one place, I would just tell him that we were going shopping. He of course would ask where, and my only response was stores. Of course I learned this the hard way after dealing with a sulking, whining child going around a store that wasn't list by me.

 

That said, ugly behavior in public wasn't tolerated either. If he couldn't suck it up, he was put in time out right there in the store until he got over it. Luckily he has only truly raged at home. I have learned his pattern and triggers well enough to know when he is going beyond reason (if only DH would learn those triggers). At 9 he is a lot calmer than he was at the 5-6 yo phase. Even now though, if I throw his mental schedule out of whack, he gets upset. He also does not get to see the grocery list at the store. He will call me out faster than you know what when I throw something into the shopping cart that's not on the list.

[beaners]

Although calling me a liar wouldn't be cool, I also work very hard to not make promises I may not be able to keep. If we have time, or we might, is much better than saying "we will" and then discovering you have to renege with a young child. Emergencies don't count as far as that goes though.........

 

I am terrible (awful, terrible, horrendous!) at judging how much I can fit into a day. This is a huge flaw of mine, and I have to work hard not to commit to more than is humanly possible, and not to commit to more than is possible for my easily distracted and poorly organized self. I have so much mommy guilt over the things I think we can fit into our days that don't actually happen, even when I haven't said anything to the children about them. Sometimes (cough, cough) this means my children go to bed closer to midnight than 7 pm on family movie nights.

 

I've been watching a Coursera class on ADHD and it discusses executive function and other issues as well.

 

Is it this one? I might need to check it out.

 

https://www.coursera.org/course/adhd

[JumpyTheFrog]

I am terrible (awful, terrible, horrendous!) at judging how much I can fit into a day. This is a huge flaw of mine, and I have to work hard not to commit to more than is humanly possible

 

 

Yes, I tend to overestimate what I can get done in a day. Part of it is not knowing whether Tigger will be in a happy, cooperative mood or not. The days he isn't (more days than not) he can waste hours per day making me wait for him to calm down from a fit (or work faster and not get distracted) so we can finish school or chores. It makes it very difficult to accurately plan.

[Tita Gidge]

If I were your kid I've have felt lied to, also. As an adult, I kind of feel like you lied to him, too. Not deliberately and maliciously, but still.

 

Sure, plans change ... but ... sometimes it can feel like people are ALWAYS changing plans. I imagine so even more to a kid. Is it possible that you've been doing this a bit more the past few weeks? Not that your son doesn't need work on his response ;), but maybe just maybe there's some merit to his upset?

 

We recently moved my brother into a new home, and it was a time suck. I may have promised the kids I'd take them for ice cream, and they'd wait patiently, and I'd reward them by forgetting. Sometimes the squeaky wheel gets the oil, and the ones who are trying really hard to behave in one way (not asking you repeatedly or bugging you ad naseum) get the shaft when they reat their efforts feel worthless (because "plans change"). In my case, plans changed often during the few weeks we prepped his new home and moved him in. Some changes couldn't be helped - waiting on contractors, etc. Some changes could totally be helped - marathon shopping for new furniture even though we promised just two stores. During these few weeks the kids probably felt we were ALWAYS changing plans (even though we know we weren't and we were more motivated to get the move-in done, something they had no real interest in).

 

So with that opinion out of the way, here's what my Mom did: "Do you want an answer now, or shall we see how the day goes?" because it sounds like your kid and I share some traits LOL. If I said yes to the answer now it was always no. Took me a few times, and probably a few tantrums to figure that out. My mom was never mean about it, but she was matter-of-fact. If I said yes to see how the day goes, she'd give me another time/event at which point I could ask again. So, "Ask again at 4pm," or "Ask me after the lawn is seeded and watered." And in your situation I think she'd have said, "Not today, the watering took longer than I expected! We can do it tomorrow," (and she'd honor that). Unless I threw a fit, in which case matter-of-factly say, "I guess you chose your answer now, perhaps another day then," and she'd move on with whatever. She didn't really yell or make us feel small, she was just very matter-of-fact. Annoyingly so, at times, but we trusted her to be consistent, fair, and she made it a priority to honor her word when changes were avoidable.

 

She still uses this method with her grandkids. They all know never to ask for the answer now B) and they all know that when she can, she does (honor plans) and when she can't, she can't. She doesn't make excuses or apologize when she can't, but she always re-schedules right away. I was a high-maintenance, black-white thinking kid and even I came to realize I could trust her to be fair. She didn't renege on plans that involved us just because something better or more convenient (for her) came along. Not that you are doing that, but I think we all fall into that trap from time to time. Such as I did when we moved my brother.

 

I'm confused about your first paragraph. Did you decide at lunch that plans had changed, and you told the kids (then, at lunch) that plans changed and you'd leave for shopping at 3:30? Did you mention at that time that sprinkler time wasn't going to happen, or that you were noticing your original estimate for watering was off and sprinkler time may have to be postponed? (Not cancelled, postponed - after a few times, he'll get the difference. It may not be pretty in the meanwhile.) I think I'd just tell him that: "Hey, man, first time I did this and I was way off on my times. The good news is that you'll still get to do the sprinkler when the watering is done; the less-good news is that that won't be until tomorrow ... assuming you don't freak out now." You're human, you're allowed to make mistakes. (Him, too!)

 

It sounds like he has a problem seeing how his own behavior affects the inability to do the things he wants. I was like that. Still am, if you ask some people LOL. My mom would say: "Okay, you need one hour piano practice before dinner. Dinner served 7:00. If you want to swim, piano needs done by 5:00 and you need be home, showered, changed for dinner by 6:45." If I dragged my feet on piano pratice, I was cutting into my swim time. But the way she worded it waswhat made me realize it (sad, but true). Nagging or even kind reminders wouldn't have worked for me. I needed her to speak to me in my language: clear-cut, outlined plans in which I had a starring role.

 

I love my mom. I treasure her so much, and that's why sometimes I'd say hurtful things to her ("Liar!") because I (mis-)equated her love with her allowing me to do the things I wanted to do. Stupid, I know, but I think I was born that way LOL. When she said no, it felt like a betrayal. When she lied (perceived or real), it was wounding because I'd never lie to her (lie in the sense of promising one thing then changing plans). I think that's just the nature of people with our traits, we have a high value for and very strict interpretation of what constitutes Our Word. Kinda makes us PITBs, doesn't it? But can also be part of our charm! (Okay, that's a stretch, but .... I tried!)

 

** this may be all disjointed, so I apologize. I wrote it in three parts, the first time interrupted by my brother bringing over pizza and the second time by a 7 year old caught reading under her covers with a flashlight LOL. **

[zoobie]

I had to keep things to the immediate because I got so tired of the constant questions. "No, you may not play in the sprinkler because it is watering the lawn." If there's time later, I'd say, "You wanted to play in the sprinkler earlier. Would you like to do that now?"

 

I still do this to some extent even though DD has matured because it's just easier. We tend not to say anything about vacations, etc. until the last minute because she wants to plan (and *cough*control*cough* ) everything. There can only be one control freak, and that's me. ;) Seriously, I can only answer "I don't know" so many times before I lose my everlovingmind.

 

As far as him calling you a liar, that would make me very upset as well. I'd try to model his feelings and an appropriate response. You are upset/angry/disappointed/frustrated because you didn't get to play in the sprinkler. Calling me a liar is disrespectful. Lying denotes an intent to mislead, and I did not intentionally mislead you. Remember to take a deep breath and think before you speak, especially when you are upset. Would you like to try again?

[Julie Smith]

Sometimes (cough, cough) this means my children go to bed closer to midnight than 7 pm on family movie nights.

 

Late nights happen here as well. But they are the norm, (So then are they late or just nomral?)

 

As long as late nights work for you, then it's all good.

[MomatHWTK]

I am terrible (awful, terrible, horrendous!) at judging how much I can fit into a day. This is a huge flaw of mine, and I have to work hard not to commit to more than is humanly possible, and not to commit to more than is possible for my easily distracted and poorly organized self. I have so much mommy guilt over the things I think we can fit into our days that don't actually happen, even when I haven't said anything to the children about them. Sometimes (cough, cough) this means my children go to bed closer to midnight than 7 pm on family movie nights.

 

 

 

Is it this one? I might need to check it out.

 

https://www.coursera.org/course/adhd

 

 

 

Yes, I have had some jaw dropping insights from watching. I had not really researched the condition on my own.

[Lilaclady]

I have one too who is like hat but she has never called me a liar. Now, I don't make any promises, I jus tell them it depends on the time and if we are done with what needs doing. She is also a bit intense and I have really had to reiterate that I am not making any promises.

Sometimes, it helps if I tell them all that we plants do and the time so that when we do not get to something, they rsAlise it might be because they were dwaddling. It is still something we are working on constantly.