Strange Update in Post #16: I knew all of you were right, but I just couldn't listen....

[AlmiraGulch]

About a month ago I posted here asking for advice about what to do about my sister, who has apparently written me off for some offense she hasn't bothered to share with me. The only thing I can think is that i'm guilty by association, because she doesn't speak to two of our other sisters, and I do.

 

Most of you told me to let it go. To let what happens, happen. To choose to spend time with people who want to spend time with me. That sounds so good, but I just couldn't do it. It's not in my nature. I needed to know for sure what it was that I'd supposedly done, and that I wasn't just imagining the whole thing.

 

I wasn't imagining it. She is absolutely not speaking to me. She will not engage with me or respond to my attempts at communication at all. I'm crushed, and I'm pi$$ed off beyond imagination. What I shouldn't be is surprised. She does this. She is the most passive aggressive person I've ever known, and now I'm the recipient.

 

I'm trying to move past the hurt because I can't do anything about it. I miss my sister. I miss the relationship we used to have, but it's clear that it's gone now. Now I just have to prepare myself for the reality of having no relationship with her daughters, having my holiday traditions altered (I know this seems trivial, but it's sad for me), and the reality of having such a broken family.

 

There isn't really any reason for this post, I don't think. I'm just sad and there's not really anyone who will understand in real life.

 

If any of you can think of any poems or quotes that may bring comfort or reason, I'd appreciate it. Those things usually help me. If not, I'm glad I just have this board to post to.

 

(Sorry for the whining. Sometimes you just need to.)

[Mommy22alyns]

I understand. :grouphug:

[LMD]

I get it too. :grouphug:

[twinmami01]

I'm sorry. (((HUGS)))

[Ellie]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[Rosie_0801]

Once upon a time, long ago, back in a Taoist parable or somewhere, there was a donkey in a really lousy mood. His master had taken him into town and had left him tied up outside the tea house for damn near two hours. Really, enough was enough. Donkeys are not known for their beautiful manners and patience and since he couldn't get free and nick off home, he cracked the darks and threw a hell of a tantrum. He kicked this way, he kicked that way and swore loudly enough that his master came running out in embarrassment, but there was no placating the donkey. He'd had a gut full and was venting big time. Now because the streets were so narrow in this little town, there was no way anyone could get past, so quite the crowd of shoppers gathered, with everyone shouting advice to the donkey's master, who was very nearly in tears with embarrassment. Understandably, this didn't improve the donkey's emotional state at all, and it is very lucky the houses lining the street were tougher than he was. Finally, someone spied the local wise man, guru guy turning into the street and hollered "Here is the wise man! He'll know what to do about this damned donkey!" Everyone looked up to the end of the street and saw the wise man shudder, and turn around to go down the next street. He, at least, had more enjoyable things to do than fight with tantruming donkeys and opted to leave the beastie alone in favour of a quiet, peaceful life.

 

 

:grouphug: :grouphug:

[unsinkable]

(((Hugs, Q)))

 

It sounds like you pulled the bandaid off quickly instead of babying it along, but it had to come off nonetheless.

 

I'm so sorry.

 

I don't have any words of wisdom.

[Lilaclady]

:grouphug:

[PrincessMommy]

so sorry :grouphug:

[AlmiraGulch]

Once upon a time, long ago, back in a Taoist parable or somewhere, there was a donkey in a really lousy mood. His master had taken him into town and had left him tied up outside the tea house for damn near two hours. Really, enough was enough. Donkeys are not known for their beautiful manners and patience and since he couldn't get free and nick off home, he cracked the darks and threw a hell of a tantrum. He kicked this way, he kicked that way and swore loudly enough that his master came running out in embarrassment, but there was no placating the donkey. He'd had a gut full and was venting big time. Now because the streets were so narrow in this little town, there was no way anyone could get past, so quite the crowd of shoppers gathered, with everyone shouting advice to the donkey's master, who was very nearly in tears with embarrassment. Understandably, this didn't improve the donkey's emotional state at all, and it is very lucky the houses lining the street were tougher than he was. Finally, someone spied the local wise man, guru guy turning into the street and hollered "Here is the wise man! He'll know what to do about this damned donkey!" Everyone looked up to the end of the street and saw the wise man shudder, and turn around to go down the next street. He, at least, had more enjoyable things to do than fight with tantruming donkeys and opted to leave the beastie alone in favour of a quiet, peaceful life.

 

 

:grouphug: :grouphug:

 

:p

[BlessedMom]

:grouphug: :grouphug:

[Chris in VA]

Tons of hugs--I'm estranged from someone, too, and have never been told why. It's awful. I'm so sorry.

 

Sometimes there's just something that you can't control, you can't make better, you can't redeem.

Give it UP, and let whatever you believe is bigger than yourself handle it.

 

Again, I'm sorry.

[AlmiraGulch]

Tons of hugs--I'm estranged from someone, too, and have never been told why. It's awful. I'm so sorry.

 

Sometimes there's just something that you can't control, you can't make better, you can't redeem.

Give it UP, and let whatever you believe is bigger than yourself handle it.

 

Again, I'm sorry.

 

This is all I can do, right? All we can do. Time to shake wash my hands of it and move on. Hugs back to you, too.

[Melissa in Australia]

:grouphug:

[gardenmom5]

I'm sorry. one thing you can do . .

send her thinking of you cards. a postcard from a trip. a funny joke. maybe once a month or so. then emotionally let it go. it keeps the "door open" for a relationship with her if that would make you more comfortable. in the future, her heart might soften, she might have regrets about burning bridges and just an occasional note will let her know the door is still open, while not making any demands upon her. (and don't have any expectation of any response because you do need to protect yourself emotionally.)

 

maybe one day she'll start looking forward to getting your notes. Maybe she'll take you up on it, (maybe she won't, but it won't be becasue you closed a door.)

[AlmiraGulch]

You all are not going to believe this.

 

She just texted me. After zero response from her for more than a month, she JUST texted me.

 

All it said was "Very busy. Trying to close out the year and training for 2nd job. Doing 2nd job. Too much to do and not enough hours in the day. Also taking 2 courses."

 

Since my last text to her about a month ago was "Why are you ignoring me? What have I done to you?", she still is avoiding the question. And I call BS, because really? We're all busy. Surely you can find time to respond to a text or a voicemail or something one time in a couple of months.

 

Just when I was mentally prepared to deal with the loss, this.

 

How should I respond to this? I really don't know what to say.

[AK_Mom4]

reply back with "Sorry. I think you have the wrong number" ?

 

Apologies - I'm feeling snarky today. I would just delete the text and let it go. She has your number and can call if she actually wants to say anything.

[AlmiraGulch]

reply back with "Sorry. I think you have the wrong number" ?

 

Apologies - I'm feeling snarky today. I would just delete the text and let it go. She has your number and can call if she actually wants to say anything.

 

 

This is funny!

[BigMamaBird]

Maybe she realizes she treated you like a witch, is embarrassed by her behavior and is trying to save face without actually having to admit her fault.

 

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this nasty behavior. I hope you can find some peace for yourself.

[Tap]

You all are not going to believe this.

 

She just texted me. After zero response from her for more than a month, she JUST texted me.

 

All it said was "Very busy. Trying to close out the year and training for 2nd job. Doing 2nd job. Too much to do and not enough hours in the day. Also taking 2 courses."

 

Since my last text to her about a month ago was "Why are you ignoring me? What have I done to you?", she still is avoiding the question. And I call BS, because really? We're all busy. Surely you can find time to respond to a text or a voicemail or something one time in a couple of months.

 

Just when I was mentally prepared to deal with the loss, this.

 

How should I respond to this? I really don't know what to say.

 

 

"when you have a minute to chat give me a call. Miss you."

 

Sometimes the bridge needs to be repaired in a relationship, before it can get strong enough to work on the root of a problem. Give her some time to call you back, and then decide if it is a "forget so you can forgive" problem that you are just going to let go of.... Or If it is a problem that actually needs resolving. If she is taking her first step into repairing your relationship, I would not meet that first step with confrontation. You can decide what you need to work on the problem (or just ignore it and move on), but you need to get her to a place where she is willing to do that, otherwise it sounds like she will run again.

[OrganicAnn]

If it were me I'd respond very neutrally. "Okay great. Keep in touch"

[Catwoman]

I agree with Tap. Throw the ball right back into her court by saying you hope all is well, and that she should give you a call when she has some free time.

 

And then expect to hear nothing but crickets for a long time to come... but that's OK, because you will have done the right thing, and you won't have any reason to second-guess yourself about it later.

 

Sorry you have to deal with this. :grouphug:

[AlmiraGulch]

I didn't respond at all when she just starts sharing all about her new job and the classes she's taking and so on.

 

Then I said "that's great. Sounds like you are very busy. Feel free to give me a call when your load lightens if you want to catch up."

 

What I should have said, if I had any hutzpah, was to tell her where to go. I don't have it in me.

 

I still cannot believe that she decided to text me today, just after I posted this. We must be sharing some weird energy or something.

[WishboneDawn]

You all are not going to believe this.

 

She just texted me. After zero response from her for more than a month, she JUST texted me.

 

All it said was "Very busy. Trying to close out the year and training for 2nd job. Doing 2nd job. Too much to do and not enough hours in the day. Also taking 2 courses."

 

Since my last text to her about a month ago was "Why are you ignoring me? What have I done to you?", she still is avoiding the question. And I call BS, because really? We're all busy. Surely you can find time to respond to a text or a voicemail or something one time in a couple of months.

 

Just when I was mentally prepared to deal with the loss, this.

 

How should I respond to this? I really don't know what to say.

 

"Thanks for letting know! Let me know when you have some free time. :)"

 

Honestly, if it were my sister I wouldn't bother with snark or calling BS or anything. I'd just keep the lines open and be willing to talk when she was.

 

I lost one of my brothers a few years back. It's a cliche but life is too short for that kind of drama.

[Catwoman]

Then I said "that's great. Sounds like you are very busy. Feel free to give me a call when your load lightens if you want to catch up."

 

That sounds like the perfect response.

[Eagle]

I still cannot believe that she decided to text me today, just after I posted this. We must be sharing some weird energy or something.

 

 

Or she follows your posts here...

[In the Rain]

Or she follows your posts here...

 

:iagree: That's what I was thinking.

[gardenmom5]

 

How should I respond to this? I really don't know what to say.

 

I would be gracious. something along the lines of "good to hear from you, let me know when your life get's under control". maybe she doesn't actually want to burn those bridges.

[Guest inoubliable]

You were nicer than I would have been.

 

I hear from my younger brother once a year. At Xmas. When he wants to give me a list of things his children want. He texted me out of the blue a few weeks after Xmas to tell me he was busy at work and something, something. I texted back, "I don't care." Even my mother congratulated me on that one. And then I changed my number.

 

:grouphug:

 

I think your response was well done.

[catz]

You were nicer than I would have been.

 

I hear from my younger brother once a year. At Xmas. When he wants to give me a list of things his children want. He texted me out of the blue a few weeks after Xmas to tell me he was busy at work and something, something. I texted back, "I don't care." Even my mother congratulated me on that one. And then I changed my number.

 

:grouphug:

 

I think your response was well done.

 

Are we sure we don't have the same brother!? This is the only time I hear from my brother. Last year he just e-mailed me a link to 5 year old's registry at Target. Mmm ... nice. Same brother regularly ignores my kid's birthdays. Klassy.

 

I haven't cut him off for my parent's sake to keep the peace with them.

 

OP - you did the right thing. I volley back to my brother all the time.

[Truscifi]

Once upon a time, long ago, back in a Taoist parable or somewhere, there was a donkey in a really lousy mood. His master had taken him into town and had left him tied up outside the tea house for damn near two hours. Really, enough was enough. Donkeys are not known for their beautiful manners and patience and since he couldn't get free and nick off home, he cracked the darks and threw a hell of a tantrum. He kicked this way, he kicked that way and swore loudly enough that his master came running out in embarrassment, but there was no placating the donkey. He'd had a gut full and was venting big time. Now because the streets were so narrow in this little town, there was no way anyone could get past, so quite the crowd of shoppers gathered, with everyone shouting advice to the donkey's master, who was very nearly in tears with embarrassment. Understandably, this didn't improve the donkey's emotional state at all, and it is very lucky the houses lining the street were tougher than he was. Finally, someone spied the local wise man, guru guy turning into the street and hollered "Here is the wise man! He'll know what to do about this damned donkey!" Everyone looked up to the end of the street and saw the wise man shudder, and turn around to go down the next street. He, at least, had more enjoyable things to do than fight with tantruming donkeys and opted to leave the beastie alone in favour of a quiet, peaceful life.

 

 

:grouphug: :grouphug:

 

 

You are my favorite person right now, Rosie.

[Catwoman]

Or she follows your posts here...

 

 

:scared: :scared: :scared: :scared:

 

I hope not!!! (But you never know! :eek:)

[aggieamy]

Wow. I've got a similar situation and I've given up. I have people in my life who want a relationship and don't have time for those who don't or who want to play games.

 

Or she follows your posts here...

 

 

You never know! I've had that happen on another board.

[AlmiraGulch]

:scared: :scared: :scared: :scared:

 

I hope not!!! (But you never know! :eek:)

 

I hope not, too! I do think it's highly unlikely. She doesn't spend much time on the internet at all outside of her own stuff, but you never know....

[Down_the_Rabbit_Hole]

Sigh...you see, I have a hard time dealing with this. It is selfishness plain and simple. Ask me how I know....it has been a good 10 yrs since my sister took offense to something I did/said but have no idea what. Even a blanket apology with an honest 'not sure what I did but if I did do something to offend you I'm sorry" worked for the phone call but then coldness if ever we are together and now she lives in a place she will not let me know or have her # or my mom is not even allowed to mention her to me. Meh...people like this are self absorbed and honestly not worth your time. Family might be important to you but when a member ignores you while they go about their very busy life knowing you are upset then...wash your hands of them. You can still be polite if they contact, but I would keep them at a distance, like an acquaintance.

:grouphug:

[Tammyla]

That is a weird energy connection.

 

Since you aren't ready to let go, I think your response was fine. Prepare your heart for her to insist on proceeding her way. She may never allow you to know what prompted her to be so mean. Some people (especially passive aggressive people) like to have a temper tantrum, cut you out or deeply and then act like nothing happened and wonder why you are being so selfish.

 

I do hope it works out. Loving mean people can be so difficult and damaging to your soul. :grouphug:

[Mama Geek]

 

Are we sure we don't have the same brother!? This is the only time I hear from my brother. Last year he just e-mailed me a link to 5 year old's registry at Target. Mmm ... nice. Same brother regularly ignores my kid's birthdays. Klassy.

 

I haven't cut him off for my parent's sake to keep the peace with them.

 

OP - you did the right thing. I volley back to my brother all the time.

 

 

Maybe you should e-mail your kids birthday wish list at that time. :tongue_smilie:

[Remudamom]

Maybe she realizes she treated you like a witch, is embarrassed by her behavior and is trying to save face without actually having to admit her fault.

 

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this nasty behavior. I hope you can find some peace for yourself.

 

 

This. Truthfully, if it was my sister I'd accept it as an apology. Siblings are important to me. YMMV.

[Miss Mousie]

I hope not, too! I do think it's highly unlikely. She doesn't spend much time on the internet at all outside of her own stuff, but you never know....

 

 

I too figured she was watching you here.

 

As to the bolded – you are “her own stuff.â€

 

Frankly, she sounds kinda creepy to me. I think I'd be a bit wary of her.

[vonfirmath]

You all are not going to believe this.

 

She just texted me. After zero response from her for more than a month, she JUST texted me.

 

All it said was "Very busy. Trying to close out the year and training for 2nd job. Doing 2nd job. Too much to do and not enough hours in the day. Also taking 2 courses."

 

Since my last text to her about a month ago was "Why are you ignoring me? What have I done to you?", she still is avoiding the question. And I call BS, because really? We're all busy. Surely you can find time to respond to a text or a voicemail or something one time in a couple of months.

 

Just when I was mentally prepared to deal with the loss, this.

 

How should I respond to this? I really don't know what to say.

 

1. She texted the wrong person on accident (but it at least means your number is IN HER PHONE!)

 

2. She is trying to open a relationship. I know when I haven't talked to someone in a while, it becomes even harder to pick up the phone and try. I just had a great conversation with my best friend-not-my-husband this weekend. Its been over 2 months since the last time we talked due to one thing and another. I finally had to make myself call when I had a chance and LEAVE A MESSAGE just so she'd know I was thinking of her and had not dropped her completely. I was afraid she'd think I was mad at her or something

 

(She's in a completely different state so we don't see each other often anymore)

[mamajudy]

 

 

I still cannot believe that she decided to text me today, just after I posted this. We must be sharing some weird energy or something.

 

Well, you are sisters, after all. My sister and I (12 years age difference) only see each other maybe once every 4 or 5 years, and several times we have purchased the same dress or purse 1200 miles away.

 

You say you miss your relationship. So don't be nasty to her. I think your response was excellent. Maybe she really is very busy. Maybe she is just a very self-absorbed person. She is still your sister. Can you love her as she is?

[AlmiraGulch]

That is a weird energy connection.

 

Since you aren't ready to let go, I think your response was fine. Prepare your heart for her to insist on proceeding her way. She may never allow you to know what prompted her to be so mean. Some people (especially passive aggressive people) like to have a temper tantrum, cut you out or deeply and then act like nothing happened and wonder why you are being so selfish.

 

I do hope it works out. Loving mean people can be so difficult and damaging to your soul. :grouphug:

 

 

Yes, this is pretty much what I'm expecting to happen. I can deal with that.

 

I don't expect a lot, honestly. We used to be incredibly close, but that has been gone for some time. In relationships in general I can handle them morphing from one thing to the next. I have a difficult time just cutting them off. I've done it, but not with a sister.

 

My father, my brother, my sisters, all of them have cut someone out for good and I've seen the damage it has caused. I believe that people change. I don't mean big, life altering, capital-C Change, but I know I'm not the same person I was when I was 20, for example. People also go through different phases of their lives that cause them to have different priorities, different troubles, different experiences that cause them to behave or act differently. I know I would hate to be judged by my loved ones for the rest of my life based on my worst hour, and I don't want to do that to others.

 

The point, I guess, it that no, I don't want to cut her out entirely. People serve different purposes for each other at different times in their lives, and you never know what's going to come back around. She has been through some things throughout her life that have caused her to be this way (not an excuse, it just is). It's a defense mechanism of sort. I like to allow grace for these things where I can, but people have to meet you half way. You can't force a relationship of any kind where there is none to be had. Since she has shown some interest and progress, I'll keep the door open.

[AlmiraGulch]

 

Well, you are sisters, after all. My sister and I (12 years age difference) only see each other maybe once every 4 or 5 years, and several times we have purchased the same dress or purse 1200 miles away.

 

You say you miss your relationship. So don't be nasty to her. I think your response was excellent. Maybe she really is very busy. Maybe she is just a very self-absorbed person. She is still your sister. Can you love her as she is?

 

 

This is so funny! She and I are 12 years apart, also, and have bought the same things, too, like bathroom towels.

 

She is a very self-absorbed person, which is why I'm pretty sure she isn't checking my messages here. I don't even think it would ever occur to her to go to Google, type in my name, modify it to end up with my user name, and then read through threads. For what it's worth, I wouldn't do that, either, and I'm not particularly self-absorbed.