Snappy Comebacks

[lexi]

Ok, I need some suggestions! You guys are creative so help me out!

 

I am having a rough time with our 7 year old. She is very bossy and throws temper tantrums that would put a 2 year old to shame. She has complete and total meltdowns when I ask her to do anything (most of them are not even school related things) and she throws a fit when I announce we are doing anything that wasn't in her little "plan" for her day. She is a total control freak and doesn't like anyone telling her what to do. She is also incredibly hateful and screams terrible things in my face when I try to discipline her. I try so hard to stay calm. She also will try to argue me to death or bargain her way out of her consequences.

She is such a sweet girl most of the time and can be so helpful. She is very bright and quite the perfectionist, type A little person. But she is having a terrible time controlling her temper, calming herself down, and being remotely rational when plans change. She also cannot or will not accept that I am in charge around here.

I hate that we are going around and around with these issues every week. I've tried several things like lost privileges, extra chores, sending her to her room to calm down (she's just as bad when she comes back out) etc, but I'm not getting through to her.

 

So, what can I do about her atrocious behavior? I am so very very tired. I don't know what type of consequences will actually make an impact on her disobedience and defiance. ETA: Can you think of some natural consequences?

 

And what do I say to her when she tells me how mean I am? What do I say back to her when she asks me the same questions that I have already answered? What do I say when she argues? I need some come backs to help me stay calm but to get the point across. ETA: By comebacks, I mean some firm, no nonsense answers. I tend to let myself get drawn into the argument and then I start to feel emotional. I need some answers and responses that I can give to put an end to the discussion so that tempers won't flare. She won't quit arguing and when I walk away she follows. I need a phrase to put an end to the discussion. I'm tired of being a broken record.

 

I need some thoughts so I won't lose my temper. I'm to the point where I'm having a hard time not giving in to tears and giving up.

 

Please tell me someone else deals with this. I'm feeling like a crappy parent today.

 

She has just so hurt my feelings today and I feel like I'm in middle school again. Does anyone else have kids who really just hurt their feelings? :crying:

[Erin]

Come backs? That's not really the direction I tend to go when my kids (usually daughter) are being snarky. I mean, I'm trying to discourage the behavior, afterall...

 

I tend to go the firm-but-patient route. Stick to my answers. Refuse to argue. And my kids are not allowed to come out of their rooms if they aren't going to change the behavior that got them sent there in the first place. They can take as long as they need. I'm in no hurry. :)

[lexi]

Come backs? That's not really the direction I tend to go when my kids (usually daughter) are being snarky. I mean, I'm trying to discourage the behavior, afterall...

 

I tend to go the firm-but-patient route. Stick to my answers. Refuse to argue. And my kids are not allowed to come out of their rooms if they aren't going to change the behavior that got them sent there in the first place. They can take as long as they need. I'm in no hurry. :)

 

I edited my post above.

 

By come backs, I meant a phrase that could be my go-to response when she tries to argue. I get drawn in to the arguments and I need a calm come back that is ready to go so I can end the discussion without myself getting upset.

 

How do you be firm and patient when your child is on the floor kicking and screaming like an overgrown toddler? She simply ignores me and I'm totally ineffective. She can hear nothing I say and her behavior destroys everyone's day. We can't get anything done because we can't hear over her tantrum.

 

When I send her to her room, she just reads. When she acts up again, she's more than happy to go back and curl up with a book. I'm not thinking this is an effective consequence since reading is her favorite thing ever. I guess I can take all the books off her shelf but then where would I keep them? I don't want to ban books from her room.

 

I'm just tired of her outbursts ruining everyone's day and taking up so much of my time to deal with.

[lexi]

double post

[Erin]

"Sorry sweety. This isn't up for debate. I've heard your complaint. I understand your frustration. But this is just how it's going to be."

 

 

To the room issue, it becomes a question of what you're hoping to accomplish.

Is it punishment? Removal from the escalating situation? Removal from the polite company of they who can mind their manners?

 

For us, it's usually #3. I don't care what they do in their rooms. Seriously.

But if they can't mind their manners around the rest of us, then they will be banished until they can.

[saraha]

I don't know, but I have a daughter that behaves this way, and I feel for you.

[lexi]

"Sorry sweety. This isn't up for debate. I've heard your complaint. I understand your frustration. But this is just how it's going to be."

 

 

To the room issue, it becomes a question of what you're hoping to accomplish.

Is it punishment? Removal from the escalating situation? Removal from the polite company of they who can mind their manners?

 

For us, it's usually #3. I don't care what they do in their rooms. Seriously.

But if they can't mind their manners in around the rest of us, then they will be banished until they can.

 

I like the reply. I want to acknowledge that I know what she's saying (because she usually screams her demands at me repeatedly), so yes, I know what she wants. But she's not going to get it.

I try to pick my battles but if she's asked and I've already said no, then it's not up for debate anymore. She just refuses to accept that.

 

The room issue...........I think she does need some type of punishment. It can be after she calms down. But there haven't been effective consequences for her attitude and behavior. Screaming in my face deserves something. But I haven't found the right "something" that speaks to her.

 

I don't mind sending her to her room to cool off. But I feel there needs to be a consequence to her behavior. Sadly, I can rationalize with my 2 year old and talk her down from a tantrum and end it quickly. With my 7 year old, I lose every time. She's very draining.

 

What's a good consequence for blatant disrespect. She has been beyond rude to not only me, but her siblings as well.

[*Lulu*]

I have one of those.

 

What works today, may not tomorrow, but here is what is working now:

 

When Sister is angry I ignore all her vocalizations that are not direct threats or over the top rude. (ie. she may not say I want to smack you, and she knows it. Saying that would earn her extra consequences.) I also ignore all movements that are not violent, distructive to property, or on a short list of unacceptable disrespect.

 

The more wound tight she is, the more I try to give her physical labor. Today, because she was screaming at the boys and ignoring my request to speak kindly she was handed a bag to go pull weeds. (Sometimes allowing her to cool her heels in her room helps, but usually putting her to work near me, but not with me, snaps her out faster than anything.)

 

If I can catch her before she blows, I can help redirect her. (I especially like to try and work with her when I catch her before she crosses the line. Cooking is good, scrubbing is better, gardening, yard work, working with the animals or taking a break for bikes/rollerblades/swings is best.)

Unfortunately. It is very hard to know what is going to touch her off. She wants to do what she wants to do, and once she is spun up she needs to release it. Although, we have had to implement a pretty reliable routine for my son with SN and I have seen a marked improvement in her as well. Even tasks that are not her favorite get less dramatic refusal because they are expected. The same with the consequences and expectations. They are written and consistent. She many not like them, but, despite her complaints in the moment, she KNOWS what to expect if she spouts off.

 

Hopefully some of that makes sense.

 

I'll be adding looking for others' ideas for when this quits working. :p

[clarkacademy]

My son acts this way when he really gets going and I just state three times it's done. After three times I ignore him. Go to the bathroom whatever, go on with my day.

[*Lulu*]

Oh, and I will discuss as long as she is calm. When I need it to end I say, "I understand you don't like my answer, but you need to accept it is still the answer."

 

When she is getting mouthy I go to where the household expectations are posted and point to the one about respectful speech. I do not say a word, just point. When she gets quiet I say, "this is (pointing to the chart) is how we speak to each other." Usually followed by either, "this is your one warning for the day" or "you know what the consequence is"

 

"This is your one warning for the day" is also effective if she is in early stages of losing it.

[UmMusa]

"You asked me that earlier and my answer is the same"... continue whatever you were doing and don't leave it open.

 

 

Behavior:

Room is one option regardless of what she does there.

Send her out to pull weeds if that is an option.

Send her to room and remove all fun from there if that is what you want. She can earn back her pleasure reading and toys from good behavior or apologies. You said where would you put it... grab a trash bag or cardboard box and put it in a closet or garage.

Have a talk with her and dad about expectations and behavior...consequences.

 

Just a few ideas. I like how Getting to Calm shows you how to deal with this type of teen-ish attitude.

[T'smom]

If you don't want her reading in her room, can you send her to your room? Is there another place that you could send her?

 

I have been known to say "I am done discussing this. If you ask me again, you will (fill in the blank with consequence of choice)"

 

A possible consequence for being mean to someone is to have to do something nice for them. Before springing that on her, I'd call a family meeting and have the kids come up with lists of examples of unkind/disrespectful language and discuss why that is unacceptable. Make a list of kind things and let the kids know that if they do something unkind, they will have to do something on the list of kind things, you decide if that's their choice or yours. Maybe doing a chore for that person or writing them a card telling them what they appreciate about them. (Not in the heat of the moment, but after a cooling down period)

[Mom-ninja.]

You are not the only parent going through this. It can be a crappy feeling isn't it?

 

Raising Your Spirited Child is a book I highly recommend.

 

When possible let her have control over parts of her day. My ds would scream and pitch huge fits every single day when I told him he had to start lessons. The non-negotiable part was doing lessons. The part I could let him have control over was the order of the lessons (with the exception of math...he must do that at some point before lunch). I made cards for him for each lesson he needs to do. I placed velcro dots on them and along the wall. Every morning he gets to place the cards in the order he wants to do them on the wall. As I said math has to go somewhere in the morning slots. It is amazing how this simple trick helps him.

 

My go to statement when he wants to debate (which is every waking minute) is to repeat, "That was not a question. It was a command. No other response other than, 'Okay Mom' should come out of your mouth right now." Then later (like dinner time) I will ask him if there is anything he would like to discuss, and at that time we will listen to his complaints and/or proposals.

 

There was a time when I thought about not homeschooling my ds. It was an ugly time. I have been firm and honest about what his responsibilities are and what mine are.

 

Oh, just another thought, she may have a physical problem making matters worse. My ds needed his adenoids removed as they were affecting his sleep, which caused him to be tired (but not know it and neither did I), and he was literally suffering from severe sleep exhaustion. Sleep exhaustion, as you as a mom know, can make one prone to tantrums and the inability to handle change. His behavior improved a lot after surgery.