How can you tell if a fear is rational or irrational?

[Sahamamama]

Please do not quote this post:

 

Long back story, which I will not get into now. If anyone remembers my posts a few years ago, related to having an abusive sibling, this is about that.

 

Nearly two years later, my husband and I remain convinced that it's best for our family (the five of us) to have no contact with this sibling. We do from time to time have a bit of contact with her family, but never with her directly. According to people who are still connected with her, nothing has changed in her or her life that would make her any safer to be around. It's important to know that there was no argument. Instead, there was repeated and severe verbal abuse, lack of empathy, and a cold, jealous attacking spirit that I was finally able to see and acknowledge. It was cataclysmic to "divorce" this sister. No small decision, at all. However, it's a matter of life or death for me. Also, I choose to prioritize being able to funciton as a wife and mother, even if this means drastically changing the boundaries of daughter and sister.

 

Recently, though I can't really say why, I feel there has been a shift behind the scenes. There's still no contact, but something is changing. I sense this through my conversations with my parents. They are... guarded? Wary? Not quite as open as before? I can't get to what has changed. I think there's more... manipulativeness? Is that a word? Whether or not it's a word, it is a reality.

 

We moved a month ago, about 40 minutes from them. Previously, we had considered moving further, but when we thought more about it, there was an uneasiness in our spirits about being that far away. They do depend on us, and they are aging (80s). Strange to say, there was a fear -- fear for my parents, if we were that much out of the picture. My sister is in the same town as they are, about 5 minutes away. She barely connects with them, unless she needs something. When she does connect, there is no warmth or tenderness towards my mother. I truly do not understand it.

 

If you have a sense of fear over something, how do you know if it's rational? How do you sort through the "knots" to know if your instincts are telling you something you should pay attention to?

 

FWIW, if my sister showed up at my house some day and murdered us all, I would not be surprised. There's nothing, exactly, to base this on. KWIM? Just... I don't know what it is. A sense of another person's potential to snap? An awareness of the fact that I am the most likely target?

 

The better my life gets, the more enraged she is.

[kiwik]

hugs

[AlmiraGulch]

It sounds to me as if your fear is based on history, with more than a bit of intuition about what things could have been or could be. I would say it's rational.

 

It would be irrational if you had absolutely no basis for the disconnect.

[mysticmomma]

Seems completely rational to me.

[gardenmom5]

You might want to check into how your parents are being handled, in case she engages in elder abuse. Or at least check into senior services for what constitutes elder abuse, and what you can do about it. (it frequently manifests as manipulation)

[Tammi K]

Aren't we always told to teach our kids to 'trust their gut' in situations where they feel uncomfortable. Unfortunately what your gut is telling you is in conflict with the way families are supposed to relate. So, you're looking for an explanation for your feelings.

 

Now, if your inner gut is telling you to wear a tin foil hat and spray your sister with vinegar because she's an alien, I would say that is an irrational fear.There's no basis in reality. But, it sounds like there is significant history here and you probably have good reason for your apprehension. I say, "Trust it."

[Farrar]

So the fear is that your parents and sister are plotting/talking about you? I think your fears aren't irrational based on what you say about your past with her. On the other hand, I would be careful about turning them into a self-fulfilling prophesy. There's a fine line there.

[Woodhaven]

Your fear sounds rational. Protect your family.

 

Some questions that come to mind about your parents, etc. Are you concerned that she has threatened them somehow? If so, are they open to discussing your concerns for their well-being?

 

If they are being threatened, is your sister's name on anything that would give her decision making authority over them or their property? How often do you see your parents and how much time do you spend with them? Is there any way you can check to see if they have been giving her control or lots of money or such? Would this seem that YOU are trying to gain control over them?

 

Hugs to you and your family. Sounds like a very difficult and touchy situation.

[Catwoman]

I wish I could tell you that I thought your fears were irrational, because that would mean there was no danger, but as you've described the situation, I think your concerns are absolutely rational.

 

I'm so sorry. :(

[Sahamamama]

So the fear is that your parents and sister are plotting/talking about you? I think your fears aren't irrational based on what you say about your past with her. On the other hand, I would be careful about turning them into a self-fulfilling prophesy. There's a fine line there.

 

 

No, that wouldn't bother me. Let them talk. No, my husband and I have an underlying sense that, if we were to drop "out of the picture" too much with my parents, there would be manipulation of them by my sibling. Or something along those lines. It's hard to pin down.

 

We are not the only people who have noticed this or mentioned this. In fact, when we were talking/thinking about moving (to VA), a friend of ours quietly let us know that my mother had confided in her that she was afraid. Now, why would she say that? Afraid of us moving, or afraid of being left behind? My friend strongly urged us to reconsider being 8-10 hours away, but we had already decided against it, because WE had a foreboding. I do wonder about the sense of foreboding. I feel like one of those dogs that knows something's about to happen and tries to warn people. Only, in this case, something in me is warning myself.

 

Anyway, this friend knows my sister very well (life-long family friend). She works with her, also, and says nothing has changed. She also said, "Some people have the caring gene, and some people just don't, and your sister certainly doesn't." It was sort of tongue-in-cheek to call it a "caring gene," KWIM? But I do admit, the empathy chip is missing, or something. Like I said, I just do not understand it. How do people end up without empathy? Here I am, trying to empathize with my sister who has no empathy, and feeling like I have no empathy myself because I can't understand not having it. LOL. How ironic.

[Catwoman]

Would your parents consider moving far away from your sister?

 

It really worries me that your mom has said she is afraid. Could your sister be physically abusing your parents, and they just haven't told anyone?

 

Because honestly, your sister "lacking a caring gene" is one thing, but it shouldn't cause anyone to fear her. I am sensing that there is more to this situation.

[Mommy22alyns]

Trust your gut, and hugs to you. :grouphug:

[Laurie4b]

Are you just talking with your parents on the phone or in person? I would go in person and ask some direct questions.

[Melissa in Australia]

:grouphug:

[elegantlion]

Real or not, there is something to be said about being the caring child living near aging parents. We moved back to be closer to my parents, it's been a good thing. My sister is hours away and while sane (mostly), she is having a harder time watching them age. She cares, but she's never been compassionate in her actions. Some of her words in the last year have blown me away at how callous they have been. I think it's fear on her end.

 

So, that being said. I can only imagine how an already abusive child might act toward aging parents. Trust your gut.

[Twinmom]

I think your fear sounds completely rational. I would hope you can sit down with your parents and have an honest conversation about your sister and your concerns, and encourage them to move away with you if they can. Either way, hopefully you can map out a plan that will give you full power of attorney, financial and medical, in the event that they become ill or unable to protect themselves against your sister. Take step now to prevent a future issue and perhaps you can relax a bit about the situation. It does sound scary to me.

[Twigs]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[gardenmom5]

I think your fear sounds completely rational. I would hope you can sit down with your parents and have an honest conversation about your sister and your concerns, and encourage them to move away with you if they can. Either way, hopefully you can map out a plan that will give you full power of attorney, financial and medical, in the event that they become ill or unable to protect themselves against your sister. Take step now to prevent a future issue and perhaps you can relax a bit about the situation. It does sound scary to me.

 

even then, expect challenges. I had full PoA/exectrix/etc - and still had nasty encounters with a sibling who was angry about it. But someone needed to protect my mother.

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

Follow your instincts.

[Seeker of Schole]

Trust your gut, and check on your parents. Maybe what you are feeling is their fear, but they cannot say it outright due to abuse?