Help! I'm ruining my son!

[Michelle T]

Well, okay, maybe "ruining" is too strong a word. But I have come to realize that I am not doing him any favor by making things too easy for him, not having high enough expectations, letting him get away with doing very little work, and basically doing his thinking for him.

 

My DS is 12, with raging ADHD (he is on Ritalin LA, which helps a LOT), dyscalculia, severe fine motor deficits (tests on a 5 year old level) and severe visual/spatial processing disorder. Learning is hard for him. His comprehension is not great, his retention is poor, it is generally hard for him to put his thoughts into words.

 

However, I've come to realize that I've made things worse by basically lowering my expectations too much. I do believe he could be working on a higher level than he is in most subjects, but I have a hard time pushing him. I don't know why it is so hard for me to push him to work harder, but it is. The moment I realize he is bored, or struggling, or having a hard time, I just stop. I also find that I spoon-feed him knowledge, and I tend to explain everything to him, rather than let him work things out for himself.

 

As a result, he is now rather intellectually "lazy", and passively allows me to tell him everything, without doing any original thinking of his own. Believe me, I know he struggles with learning, and would be "behind grade level" regardless, but I truly think I have made things worse.

 

Okay, finally to my questions. Having come to realize that my expectations are too low, and I am making learning too easy for DS, how do I change that? Obviously it would be unrealistic to suddenly announce that from now on, he's on his own. He is always going to need a lot of guidance and help. And of course he is going to be resistant to having to think for himself, something that is difficult for him. So how do I work on increasing his independence without blowing him away? How do I start expecting him to work on a higher level and do more than a couple minutes half-hearted study in any subject?

 

Has anyone else gone through this? How did you change things? How do you even know what is realistic for your child, and how much you can push without going too far?

 

Any words of wisdom for me? Advice? You'd think after six years homeschooling, I'd have a handle on this, but I honestly just recently started to realize how much I am "molly coddling" my son, and doing him no favors by making everything so easy.

Michelle T

[Laurie4b]

This is one of the balance beams that parents with kids with special needs have to walk. It's the

"Is it the disability or a discipline issue?" beam. I find that I'm constantly falling off on one side or the other. I have, like you are finding, fallen off on the side of empathizing with my ds, understanding that everything really and truly is hard, and then tolerating less than his best (thinking it was his best). I've also fallen off the other side, only to find myself having disciplined him for things he couldn't help. Not fun either way.

 

Right now, I'm on the same correction course as you are. I've basically told my son that I made a mistake, and that we'll be correcting that. He has contributed, too, because he has, in essence, deceived me, often deliberately about what he can do. He has developed habits of complaining, "disappearting", avoiding, resisting, etc. Yes, I've let those develop, but it's a two way street.

 

Here's the cognitive part: I've explained that it is these behavior choices that will block his success in life. (He gets that.) Dad and Mom both do stuff all.day.long. that we would rather not do. It's part of being a grown-up. It's the main skill he has to learn. So we model, and I'm being explicit now about that. I've also told him how much the therapies (OT plus VT) cost. He was impressed ! I told him we sacrifice because we love him and want the best for him, but that the time has come for him to participate as well--to show x$$ worth of cooperation.

 

This summer, I'm working on developing an automatic routine to get us through breakfast and all the therapy exercises. I'm hoping this will be down by the time I have to add in academics.

 

The consequences will be related to play activities. Work first, then play. Play before your done your work and you lose the privilege of playing with that thing the rest of the day. Whine and complain and make life bitter for your family, and lose the sweetness of dessert.

 

It's not easy, that's for sure. Parenting never is. Special needs parenting is even harder.

 

I'll look forward to others' answers, too. You're not the only one who is struggling with this!

[EKS]

I want to start off by saying that I am not an expert with this but it is something that I struggle with every day with my 12 yo. About a year ago I realized that I was in the same place that you describe you are with your son. I sat beside him for his entire lesson (4 hours or more) redirecting his attention, catching his mistakes while he was making them, giving hints. And in his weakest area, writing, I wasn't expecting enough from him.

 

This past year my younger son started homeschooling with us so I figured it was the perfect time to get the older one more independent. What that meant was that I had to take him down a level in a few subjects so that he could do them completely on his own. Then I stuck to making him do it on his own. And stuck to it. And stuck to it. It was easier because I had to spend time teaching the younger one.

 

Now when he gets really stuck I do still give him help. But I try as much as possible to just give the barest glimmer of a hint and let him muddle through it himself. If I do end up having to completely show him how to do something (usually in math, sometimes science) then I make sure to follow up with another similar problem that he does on his own.

 

I also try to show him that I don't always know the answers to everything and that I have to figure things out too. Then I try to make my thought process transparent by talking to him about exactly how I am going about solving my problem. And I also try to catch him doing his own problem solving in daily living and point out specifically what he did that made him successful.

[Ottakee]

Do you have a good idea of what he CAN do? I know that IQ tests, etc. aren't all they are cracked up to be, but for us, it gives me sort of a guideline.

 

We switched to ACE paces for much of our work as it is directed to the student and is self paced and mostly self teaching. The work is done in smaller amounts but the child must do the work. I was surprised, but it has gone VERY VERY well here. We still use the I See Sam books for reading for 12dd and Apples and Pears Spelling for 11dd.

 

I would also balance this though with stuff he CAN do and is GOOD at---esp. physical labor type things. All kids need to do something they are good at. My girls have their horse (and the horse chores to go with it), while other kids have sports, scouts, volunteer work, work with dad, etc.

[elizam]

I felt this pain and dh convinced us all that ds would be better off in PS.

 

So off ds went to 7th grade.

 

He is now a rising 10th grader. How did this all turn out so far???

 

Terrible.

 

They don't care in PS. They give up on these kids. That is our experience.

 

My ds learned a LOT more in homeschool, even though it was not in the way most people would approve of (reading real books, lighter load of typical textbook work, more freuent breaks, etc.)

 

He even admits it now, but he doesnt' want to be HSed anymore. He is also into bad kids and bad activities. Not the football or band dh and I envisioned.

 

 

IMHO, you aren't ruining your ds! :(

[Laurie4b]

So sorry to hear of your son's situation. Thank you for sharing.

:grouphug:

[Michelle T]

I felt this pain and dh convinced us all that ds would be better off in PS.

 

So off ds went to 7th grade.

 

He is now a rising 10th grader. How did this all turn out so far???

 

Terrible.

 

They don't care in PS. They give up on these kids. That is our experience.

 

My ds learned a LOT more in homeschool, even though it was not in the way most people would approve of (reading real books, lighter load of typical textbook work, more freuent breaks, etc.)

 

He even admits it now, but he doesnt' want to be HSed anymore. He is also into bad kids and bad activities. Not the football or band dh and I envisioned.

 

 

IMHO, you aren't ruining your ds! :(

 

 

I'm so sorry thing worked out like that. It's too bad your DS doesn't want to homeschool again. What reasons does he give for wanting to stay in PS?

Michelle T

[Pepper]

I did the same thing- -- sent my child to PS because they had an autism specialist and I thought it would be better for him, since he wasn't self-driven to do anything. I mean anything. He won't play with a toy for more than the first two minutes it takes to explore it. Won't read on his own, not curious about anything. We have to orchestrate every single experience for the child or else he will just swing on a swing, follow me around the house, or ask to watch television or go on the computer. When we orchestrate, it's okay. He helps my husband work on cars, and if we tell him to, he will take apart old electronics or something.

 

I wasn't thinking of homeschooling in terms of what he would be like after learning at home until age 18, I was thinking of having to "prove it" to others that HSing was the right thing for him. Family pressure.

I felt like my mistake was to expect something those first two years. What he "could produce" to show that he was "working," in a way. And I had to let a lot of things slide and he worked at a lower level than others. That's when I worried and sent him back to school. (Plus I got sick).

 

Not looking at the big picture was a mistake. Now we are working on what to do for this fall.....

[Camy-7 boybarians 1 lady]

Would you please PM me?

 

Blessings,

Camy

[stephanie]

Ds 13 is very much like yours. He's adhd/spd,and has a language deficit which just means he has trouble putting his thoughts into words as well. I too tend to ask him a question, and then spoon feed him till he can give me the answer. I've come to realize that he has become dependent on me giving him leading questions before he even tries to think things through. I don't even doubt his capabilities or that he has some disabilities, but I do believe he can also use that to manipulate me. He does OT,and I see that he can often use that as an excuse to not work...or to go play. It's been a bumpy road of balance for us,but we're finally getting into a routine that he can expect. As you know, kids like ours have their challenges outside of school as well so I've extended his thought processes to figuring out problems in his everyday life. If he ever asks me a question I usually tell him, "Ok, let's think about this...why do you think...."

Most often he is waaaaay off,but that's ok. That's where I teach him to think in other ways. I will give him a leading question to redirect him, and he will usually figure it out on his own. For example, he asked me last year what the bird food was for. We have a bird so it's easy for me to understand why, but he didn't. So I ask him, "Ok, tell me what are some things we could use the bird food for?" Believe it or not, he usually gives me wrong answers first, then he finally gets it. But he gets it from going through the thought process on his own. So when he sits down to do his work I do the same thing. We've been doing this for so long that he may ask me now, but then he will immediately start asking himself the questions that I usually ask him.

I know how hard it can be raising a child with special needs much less schooling them as well. Just remember that you are the only one who knows just what he needs, and knows him like no other. It's ok to push them a little for they will be pushed when their on their own. As his mom, you'll know when you're pushing too hard. I hope this has helped you a bit.

[Michelle T]

Ds 13 is very much like yours. He's adhd/spd,and has a language deficit which just means he has trouble putting his thoughts into words as well. I too tend to ask him a question, and then spoon feed him till he can give me the answer. I've come to realize that he has become dependent on me giving him leading questions before he even tries to think things through. I don't even doubt his capabilities or that he has some disabilities, but I do believe he can also use that to manipulate me. He does OT,and I see that he can often use that as an excuse to not work...or to go play. It's been a bumpy road of balance for us,but we're finally getting into a routine that he can expect. As you know, kids like ours have their challenges outside of school as well so I've extended his thought processes to figuring out problems in his everyday life. If he ever asks me a question I usually tell him, "Ok, let's think about this...why do you think...."

Most often he is waaaaay off,but that's ok. That's where I teach him to think in other ways. I will give him a leading question to redirect him, and he will usually figure it out on his own. For example, he asked me last year what the bird food was for. We have a bird so it's easy for me to understand why, but he didn't. So I ask him, "Ok, tell me what are some things we could use the bird food for?" Believe it or not, he usually gives me wrong answers first, then he finally gets it. But he gets it from going through the thought process on his own. So when he sits down to do his work I do the same thing. We've been doing this for so long that he may ask me now, but then he will immediately start asking himself the questions that I usually ask him.

I know how hard it can be raising a child with special needs much less schooling them as well. Just remember that you are the only one who knows just what he needs, and knows him like no other. It's ok to push them a little for they will be pushed when their on their own. As his mom, you'll know when you're pushing too hard. I hope this has helped you a bit.

 

 

Thanks, Stephanie, makes me feel much better to know I'm not alone. My DS also simply waits for me to spoon feed him answers, and if he ventures a guess on his own, he is often SO wrong I sit there in astonishment.

Michelle T

[tonygirl]

Here is my 2 cents FWIW.

 

The beauty of homeschooling, is that you can individualize instruction and learning to suit your child's needs. That is something public schools cannot do so much of. I think you need to figure out what will reach your child. That might not look anything like traditional school. But honestly, what is the point of being angry, frustrated, and getting "nasty" if your child learns nothing anyway?

 

I think you just need a different approach. The one that will maximize on his strengths. Don't ask me what that is exactly since I do not know him. Although, I'm thinking a more unschooling approach might work out for him. Maybe you can encourage him to find something that interests him and let him run with it.

 

As an adult I went to a culinary school (for fun). There was a young man in my class who had ADD and ADHD. He was an absolute terrible student. He barely could get through the "academic" portions of the curriculum. He had a hard time sitting still, he would do really off the wall things while the teacher was trying to teach (such as bite plastic forks into pieces), and was just generally a nightmare as far as being a good student was concerned. BUT, he was brilliant in the kitchen and he had the energy required to be a great chef. I would hire him any day (over me) to work in a large kitchen because he was fantastic. And he was a really good cook. He loved it. He just wasn't a school person in the traditional sense. The school worked around that and I have no doubt he is doing well these days.

 

Your son might not be the greatest student, but he might have a great spirit when something interests him. Everyone has their strengths. We don't all fit molds. Ya know?

:iagree: This is what HS is about and it's so easy to get caught up in the rt and wrong way to do it. I think finding his interests and going with them is a great idea. Don't beat yourself up (like you've made this BIG mistake) look at as it's just time for a change I mean we try something it doesn't work we try something else and something else then it just starts to click.;) That's what I do Teresa