Dangerous elderly driver causing marital woes

[Alexandra]

My mil is driving ...really poorly. She has dents and scrapes all over the front of her car. Her transmission is leaking (not sure if it is from somesort of impact) and the family's helper says she "drives about 80-90 miles per hour".

My dh doesn't want to stop her from driving. It really concerns me. Her car is not driveable and now they are considering buying her a new one.

How do I have this conversation that she must not drive, and not get a new car without upsetting basically everyone?

Very, very stressful.

[Suzanne in ABQ]

I wonder if you could make an anonymous call to your DMV. Maybe they could require a driver test, or could advise you as to what you could do. Maybe there is a family counselor who has dealt with this problem before, who could advise you about ways to handle this without upsetting everyone. Perhaps they can make her next car a Smart Car, so at least she can't hurt anyone by running into them? (just kidding, sort of)

 

This is really a public safety issue. If she did cause a bad accident, and people were hurt, I'm guessing everyone will be pretty upset. I know it's a hard transition for her to become dependent on people, but she can't be going around, running into people and things. She may hurt herself, or someone else, maybe a child.

 

Those are just my first thoughts. I'm sure someone here has dealt with this issue before. I'll bow out now, and "listen". My mom is 78, and is very aware of her limitations (won't drive at night, or on the freeway, or certain streets that she knows are difficult for her). I'm sure the time will come when she won't be able to drive at all anymore. I don't look forward to that time.

 

Blessings,

Suzanne

[Susie in SWVA]

I don't have any advice because I am in a similar predicament. My mil is 82 and drives A LOT. I don't ride with her because she scares me. She always wants to take our son places with her and I make up excuses so he can't go with her. Now, she is talking about taking a trip up to northern Indiana (from southwest Virginia) to see her other son next month. I will be interested to hear the advice you receive.

 

Susie in SWVA

[AuntieM]

an example, really. My MIL, appx 70, has never been the best of drivers. I would describe her as careless, a speeder, a neglecter of general traffic laws and good common sense. In her world, cars still do not have seat belts. For years I have argued with dh (and stood my ground) that my children were not to be allowed in any car she was driving. Yet her driving was laughed off as in, "oh, well, that's just how she is..."

 

This past January, she crashed her car. Not paying attention, no seatbelt, she rear-ended an SUV. Right leg crushed below the knee, knee messed up. She is still in recovery, still experiencing great pain. She only just began walking again within the last month. At various points during the last 7 months she has dealt with major (life-threatening) infections and is now continually on some form of antibiotic, which has caused a problem with thrush. She is also now on methodone, as part of her pain relief regimen; we hope this in itself will not become a problem, as it is addictive, but even without addiction, the side effects of methodone are more prevalent in older persons....

 

On top of the physical damage, relationships have changed drastically. While it may be argued that we are all learning new levels of compassion and service (and acknowledge that God did, for His reasons, allow this to happen), she will never again be able to engage in activities with my kids in the way she once did, which is heartbreaking to her. It has drastically changed not only her life, but the lives of all immediate family members. I understand things can happen at any time in any family to cause such a situation, but I suppose the real tragedy in all of this is that it seems so... preventable.

 

We thank God regularly that no one was killed. My alert, well-driving FIL has decided that MIL will not be driving again. Ever. I think she finally agrees.

 

I do understand that asking an aging person to give up his car keys is a huge thing. But I ask you to please, please consider the consequences.

[Danestress]

That there is no way to do this without upsetting everyone , because it's very very upsetting. It's upsetting to the aging driver who suddenly feels like he/she is being treated as child, and who is convinced he/she is an adequate driver and who resents the interference and the loss of independence.

 

And it's upsetting to the people who love him/her to watch the process. It kills me that my father can't drive. And it's killing him. It's been about six months since we all came together in a concerted effort to convince him to stop and to sell his car, and somedays he still has rages at my mother and tells people that we have a conspiracy against him.

 

It's just deeply, deeply upsetting. It's like if a doctor asked 'how can I tell her she has cancer, without upsetting her?" Or think of telling your child at 16, "you have a medical condition, and I am sorry, but you will never be able to drive."

 

It just is horrible to watch and horrible to go through, and the people who love your MIL the most are the ones who will be the most upset.

 

But of course if she truly shouldn't be driving, it's worth getting people upset over. I would talk to them about the legal liability issues - that's what finally got my Mom on board with stopping my father. I had to talk to her about what was at stake for them financially, emotionally, and morally if he killed a child driving. It was not a fun process. Sister were upset with sisters, Mom was upset with daughters, and over time as we all got on the same page, Dad was angry at all of us. And still is.

 

If I were you, I would work on your husband. And maybe call the DMV or the Council on Aging to talk about how you know when it's time to stop driving. but pray that you will be able to really sympathize with the grief your MIL will feel and the pain that causes your husband. This really is probably the saddest, hardest thing that has ever happened to my father.

[Remudamom]

My grandmother was run over by her friend who shouldn't have been driving. Not only did she knock grandma over, she kept right on going and went through a wall in the house. Then looked back at my grandma and said "Ercel, what are you doing down there??" True.

 

Her family took away her car then.

[Danestress]

The thing that really helped us was getting my father's doctors to tell him he needed to stop driving. Some doctors will even write a "prescription" saying the patient needs to stop. My father's doctor is also his best friend, and he was really helpful in reinforcing that he needed to stop.

 

I wonder if your MIL has a trusted older friend or a doctor or priest who would help the family. As hard as it was for Dad's doctor/friend to be the bad guy, it really helped take heat off of his wife and daughters, though believe me, there was plenty of heat to go around!

[G5052]

In most states your identity is protected. You must do this not only for her safety, but for the safety of others and her financial well-being. There have been a number of cases recently where elderly people who were somewhat impaired were sued for big, big amounts when someone was injured, and their insurance did NOT pay. They lost everything. Then there's also a trend where they are beginning to look at those who knew about the poor driving as a source of $ if someone is hurt. You wouldn't want that either. You could lose everything if there's enough proof that you knew about it and she really does a number on someone.

 

We did this with my mom in a state where we could send an unsigned letter with no return address as long as we provided details showing the problem. We had begged and pleaded, and her doctor had also done the same with no results. Unfortunately a friend of her told on me though, so if you do this, tell NO ONE and come up with a story beforehand when she starts wondering who turned her in.

 

My mom was diagnosed with small vessel disease and vascular dementia in the process of trying to get her license back (her doctor wisely insisted on a neurological consultation), but our relationship is still very, very strained. Both of my parents see me as the source of all their problems in life, and we can no longer have a civil conversations about anything. At one point they were threatening to sue me for all their expenses incurred while trying to get her license back (they hired a lawyer at one point) and the price of the new car they had bought just six months before she lost her license.

 

I have no regrets though, and know that it was the right thing to do even if it hurts.

[Kate CA]

I second the DMV. We had foolish family members that could not bring themselves to forbid grandpa from driving - and he REALLY shouldn't have been driving. We wrote a letter to the DMV and explained the situation. It was not anonymous as I doubt they would listen to an anonymous letter. He never drove again.

 

We did not tell all the family we did this, and we never told grandpa, but it was for the safety of society as well as for him. We don't regret our actions at all. It was hard for him not to drive, but he was not able to make a good decision and was putting others in danger. I just don't think he was willing to accept the fact he could no longer drive. We have to be grown-up enough to make those decisions at that point.

 

Hugs to you - it isn't fun being the "bad guy" but you really are being the good guy.

[LisaNY]

Here in NY, you can make an anonymous call to the DMV. They will send a notice to the person, asking them to come in for a driving test.

 

I know someone who just did this w/her mother, who was still driving while barely being able to see. She had her license taken away. It is a very, very difficult thing to do, but it is a must, both for their safety, and the safety of others.

[Mom to Aly]

Here in NY, you can make an anonymous call to the DMV. They will send a notice to the person, asking them to come in for a driving test.

 

 

My best friend is one of the people working on this program, and I know, from her, that NY is the only state that has this program.

 

If this helps--when I was 21 I became engaged to my childhood sweetheart, Michael, someone I'd known since I was 11. We had our engagement party on June 16th, a Saturday. On that Monday, June 18th, he was killed in a car accident on his way to work. An elderly couple, coming around a curve, swayed onto the wrong side of the road, and drove into him, head on collision. His engine landed on his lap, the impact was so great. The other driver was a man whose doctor and son had been trying to convince him not to drive, but he insisted he was fine, and kept on driving. The elderly couple were also killed in that accident.

 

Michael was 23 years old, he had just finished his master's and had just started his dream job. He had his whole life ahead of him. We had our whole lives ahead of us.

 

You MIL isn't just risking her life, she is risking the life of every person, every family, every child on the road when she steps behind that wheel. It really isn't worth the risk.

[GraceinMD]

without upsetting basically everyone?

 

 

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. You probably can't accomplish this without upsetting folks, but YOU don't necessarily have to be the one to do the upsetting!

 

I frequently am the "bad guy" in similar situations --- so, as several others said, enlist your mil's doctor to intervene - make him (her) the bad guy. If you have documented incidents of unsafe driving, then your mil's doctor can (and in some cases, must) write a letter to your state's DMV/MVA requesting a review - the driver is typically required to retest, and usually these requests are given some priority.

 

I don't recall if it's your mil who is having memory problems (although I think it's not), but there's some helpful info here anyway:

 

http://www.alz.org/living_with_alzheimers_driving.asp

 

Also (as others said), contact your local DOT/DMV/MVA to see if they have guidelines about elderly drivers. They may also be able to give you the name of a local hospital or company that does driver testing for just these situations. I have referred pts to a local hospital that does this - it's a three hour test (one hour classroom test, 2 hour road test), and there's a comprehensive report generated. Most people won't want to do such a test, but it can also help remove YOU from the situation, and give her doctor and the DMV specific reasons to prohibit her from driving.