Is this unreasonable?

[mo2]

If a person works full time, homeschools 2 kids, ages 11 and 6, also has a 4yo, has a disabled spouse who can't walk and is generally pretty depressed (understandably), shuttles kids to ball practices/games and other activities, how much help is it reasonable to expect from the kids? Right now, the 6yo helps with general picking up and helps put away laundry when told to. The 11yo feeds the family pets, makes sure there are drinks in the fridge, puts away own laundry, sometimes hangs laundry out on the line, and once a week or so vacuums the floors. Would it be unreasonable to add washing dishes (by hand) once per day? What else? Where is the line between helping and contributing because you are a member of the family and dumping responsibilities onto the children that really belong with the parent?

[Unicorn.]

Not unreasonable at all. Our job is to teach our children to be self sufficient, and to be part of a family. Have the kids wash their dishes as soon as they are done eating. Even a 4 yo can learn to wash or at the very minimum, rinse/dry. An 11 yo can certainly learn to do a load of laundry every now and then. The 4 yo could take over feeding pets, leaving bigger chores for the older one.

[amyco]

Being in a family means helping out. It both helps the family function better and teaches the children life skills. I think what they are doing sounds great! The 11 y.o. could certainly wash dishes once a day, plus I think could also clean a bathroom once a week. Maybe the 6 y.o. could dust or empty trash cans? You have your hands full and it's not too much to ask the children to help.

[Mom-ninja.]

I don't have that responsibility load you posted and I expect my dc to pull their share.

 

My 11 and 9 yr old do their own laundry. I help the 9 yr old fold and put his away but he is organizationally challenged. ;) However, both kids know how to wash and dry their clothes.

 

They are expected to wash their dishes when they are done with them. We don't have a dishwasher so this is done by hand. Also, the 9 yr old washes the dinner dishes once a week and the 11 yr old does the dinner dishes several times a week.

 

11 yr old makes breakfast and lunch several times a week.

 

They are responsible for feeding pets and cleaning pet cage.

 

They vacuum several times a week.

 

They mop a couple times a month (I do it in between cause they just don't get the floors as clean as mommy)

 

They clean their bathroom and the half bath every weekend. This includes the floors, mirrors, toilets, and front of cabinets.

 

They take out trash and recycling.

 

They change the sheets on their beds.

 

They set, clear, and wipe the table after dinner each night.

 

I am in the process of involving the 4 yr old into doing the chores as well.

 

Children need work and responsibility as much as they need time to play.

[Ameena]

Not at all unreasonable.

 

When I was 11 I was in charge of cooking dinner for the family every night. A full dinner - no quick fix stuff. And do the dishes without a dishwasher too. I think I did most of the family's laundry too if I remember right. I thank my mama for making me do it, no matter how much I hated it at the time because now I KNOW how to cook & plan meals & run a household.

 

My dd is 6, and her chores include: feeding & watering pets, emptying trash cans weekly or as needed, gathering dirty laundry & bringing to laundry room, putting away clean dishes from dishwasher, gathering dirty dishes and bringing to kitchen, putting away groceries, and light patrol when leaving the house {making sure all the lights, TVs and PC are off or in standby mode when we leave the house}. Most of this she has been doing since she was 4. She DOES get paid for doing most of these things - not a lot but I believe in rewarding work with pay even for kids. It's not a lot - maybe a nickel for emptying the dishwasher and putting it away :)

[zoobie]

The chores themselves aren't unreasonable, but I wonder if the stressful situation would make them feel more oppressive? Is the disabled adult entitled to any assistance that would lighten the load on the whole family? Therapy for depression?

 

My 9 and 7 year old empty the dishwasher, feed dogs, fold and put away their laundry (we are working on teaching them how to do laundry), vacuum, dust, generally help out. We all pitch in together, but then we are done and go play. If I were bearing the workload of two adults, I don't think my kids would have much playtime. Not sure how to word what I'm thinking. It sounds stressful for all involved. I'm sorry.

[LaCEmom]

As long as they still have time to play and just be kids I think your expectations that they help out are totally reasonable. As for the exact amount I would just make sure there's a good balance between their responsibilities and free time. Wiping down the bathroom counters with a Lysol wipe and preparing lunches are easy enough things for kids to do as well.

[Guest submarines]

The chores themselves aren't unreasonable, but I wonder if the stressful situation would make them feel more oppressive? Is the disabled adult entitled to any assistance that would lighten the load on the whole family? Therapy for depression?

 

My 9 and 7 year old empty the dishwasher, feed dogs, fold and put away their laundry (we are working on teaching them how to do laundry), vacuum, dust, generally help out. We all pitch in together, but then we are done and go play. If I were bearing the workload of two adults, I don't think my kids would have much playtime. Not sure how to word what I'm thinking. It sounds stressful for all involved. I'm sorry.

 

This.

 

I think that in the "average" circumstances, those chores aren't unreasonable. However, and this will sound odd, but in the circumstances described, they do sound unreasonable to me.

 

Even if the initiative is coming from the child, I'd be very careful to make sure the chores are well balanced.

 

If there's resistance from the child, I'd be extra careful. It is a depressing situation all around. Living with a depressed father takes an extreme emotional toll and this shouldn't be dismissed.

 

So my vote is that yes, it is most likely unreasonable to pile up chores on that child, in those circumstances, no matter how theoretically capable and responsible that 11 year old should be.

[mo2]

Thank you to everyone who took the time to respond.

The chores themselves aren't unreasonable, but I wonder if the stressful situation would make them feel more oppressive? Is the disabled adult entitled to any assistance that would lighten the load on the whole family? Therapy for depression?

This is a good question. And yes, the disabled adult is looking into assistance but, of course, the wait will be months.

As long as they still have time to play and just be kids I think your expectations that they help out are totally reasonable.

There is plenty of free time, several hours each day. The kids get to play outdoors, participate in sports, play with friends, etc.

[Acorn]

By age 11, I made dinner once or twice a week following written directions from my mom while she was at work. I did a load of laundry or other cleaning task on nights that I didn't make dinner. I also babysat some elementary age children for an hour after school and did the dishes everyday, and pet care. At the time, I felt like I did A LOT and that my friends had much easier lives. I'm sure every 11 year old everywhere feels that though.