Please...Can I Ask For Some Support? Prayers/Positive Vibes

[Hockey Mom]

I did a heat-of-the-moment stupid thing today. It's not life or death, but I am horrified that I lost my cool (it honestly takes a LOT to make me lose my temper), and I am so incredibly upset by it all.

 

I have to meet with my son's coach tomorrow to 'clear the air'. This is the second time in a month that we've had to do this. Last time, cooler heads prevailed and my Dh took the lead. This time, because I'm the one who caused a scene, I feel it's my responsibility to handle it. I am a non-confrontational person. It is not my nature to create drama. I keep replaying in my mind how I plan to discuss the situation with the coach, and none of my plans include an apology, or compromise.

 

If you think of it, can you say a little prayer that I will not start crying or become too emotional during this meeting tomorrow? Can you pray that this will be the final time we have to confront this coach over the same issue?

 

Thanks in advance for any support.

[elfgivas]

prayers and positive thoughts.

 

if you do think an apology would help clear the air, perhaps you could honestly say that you were sorry you lost your cool?

(which i'm gathering is true). that's different than apologizing for someone else's actions, kwim?

 

good that its being dealt with quickly,

ann

[TranquilMind]

I did a heat-of-the-moment stupid thing today. It's not life or death, but I am horrified that I lost my cool (it honestly takes a LOT to make me lose my temper), and I am so incredibly upset by it all.

 

I have to meet with my son's coach tomorrow to 'clear the air'. This is the second time in a month that we've had to do this. Last time, cooler heads prevailed and my Dh took the lead. This time, because I'm the one who caused a scene, I feel it's my responsibility to handle it. I am a non-confrontational person. It is not my nature to create drama. I keep replaying in my mind how I plan to discuss the situation with the coach, and none of my plans include an apology, or compromise.

 

If you think of it, can you say a little prayer that I will not start crying or become too emotional during this meeting tomorrow? Can you pray that this will be the final time we have to confront this coach over the same issue?

 

Thanks in advance for any support.

 

 

Being a hockey mom myself, I'm curious what the issue is...

 

I lost my cool once, when 6'2" players were obnoxiously and intentionally slamming into our younger, smaller guys this past year, even though my son wasn't one of them (he's big, but wasn't on the ice, and there is no sense in being overly aggressive with kids a foot shorter!). I surprised even myself, but I had had enough.

 

Anyway, praying you can get it resolved peacefully and that you will be heard.

[Whereneverever]

:grouphug:

[Aelwydd]

Another hockey mom here who understands the frustrations that can come from communication with the coach. If you feel bad about losing your cool, you can apologize for not expressing yourself as well as you wished. But make sure the coach understands that your original concerns still stand, are still very much relevent, and you need those addressed.

 

In our case, we had to deal with a whole year of a travel team headed by coaches who felt the need to make our kids play up in tournaments--not just one level, but two levels up. To compensate for tougher compeition, the head coach doubled and tripled ice time for his five top players, and left the rest to mostly sit. Not only did our son have to deal with having truncated ice time, but he had to cope with colossal team blow-outs of like 12-2 -- very demoralizing, and his confidence took a tremendous hit for it. He's decided to take the entire summer off, and will reassess for fall later. Right now, he's having fun playing tennis.

 

It amazes me what some coaches will defend as good strategy, even when the evidence plays out to the contrary, repeatedly. You do what you need to, and don't beat yourself up anymore about losing your cool. Lord knows I've come close to losing mine several times the past season!

[Melissa in Australia]

:grouphug: :grouphug:

[Lilaclady]

:grouphug: praying for a positive outcome

[unsinkable]

I'm sorry about your situation.

 

I will certainly say a prayer for you that the meeting goes well!

 

(((Hugs)))

[Hockey Mom]

Thank you for the prayers, well wishes, and positive vibes. Keep 'em coming because the conversation with the coach hasn't taken place yet.

 

Update #1: Had to take my boys to their private this morning, and talked a bit more with the hockey director. He assures me that the problem is valid, that while my reaction to the situation was a bit over the top, it was completely justified. Apparently, I wasn't the only parent who was highly upset with what took place yesterday (two other sets of parents complained too). So I take comfort in that. Once I speak with the coach, I will be more specific in what happened.

 

I told the hockey director that my son WANTS to play ONLY for this rink. I begged DS to consider another rink, but he really wants to stay at this rink. I also told him that I am not normally a squeaky wheel, but I will be happy to play that role on a consistent basis if this coach doesn't get his act together - if I have to be 'the bad guy' once month for the next 8 years it will not be pleasant for the coach. The hockey director agrees with my opinion and he's going to 'coach the coach' to make improvements.

 

One conversation down...one more to go.

[Dandelion]

I'm sorry you're in this situation. :grouphug: Don't dwell on how you feel you overreacted. Just focus on the problem and how you'd like to see it resolved. A brief apology at the beginning might make the coach feel more receptive to what you have to say. Just make it matter of fact ("I'm sorry I lost my cool a bit") and move on.

 

Hope it goes well!

[elfgivas]

just came by to see how it went..... its an odd little way to celebrate mother's day, but oddly appropriate, too (taking care of our kids)

 

:grouphug:

ann

[TranquilMind]

Another hockey mom here who understands the frustrations that can come from communication with the coach. If you feel bad about losing your cool, you can apologize for not expressing yourself as well as you wished. But make sure the coach understands that your original concerns still stand, are still very much relevent, and you need those addressed.

 

In our case, we had to deal with a whole year of a travel team headed by coaches who felt the need to make our kids play up in tournaments--not just one level, but two levels up. To compensate for tougher compeition, the head coach doubled and tripled ice time for his five top players, and left the rest to mostly sit. Not only did our son have to deal with having truncated ice time, but he had to cope with colossal team blow-outs of like 12-2 -- very demoralizing, and his confidence took a tremendous hit for it. He's decided to take the entire summer off, and will reassess for fall later. Right now, he's having fun playing tennis.

 

It amazes me what some coaches will defend as good strategy, even when the evidence plays out to the contrary, repeatedly. You do what you need to, and don't beat yourself up anymore about losing your cool. Lord knows I've come close to losing mine several times the past season!

 

OH MY GOODNESS. Playing TWO levels up? I didn't even think that was permitted under USAH rules! I thought you could only play one level up. I don't know how old your boys were but the growth variations during adolescence are phenomenal and can really affect things.

 

We lost the entire season as well, because someone had the brilliant idea to separate the Bantam teams into birth years, instead of mixed. Bantams are 12-14 - the years they grow the most! Some had hit their growth spurts and some still looked like little boys. We seriously had many 4 footers battling almost all six footers at games, because the year older team had grown and our guys mostly had not. Mine was the height, but not the dexterity level of a boy a year older.

 

Disastrous year, with many concussions. I hear ya!

[unsinkable]

 

 

OH MY GOODNESS. Playing TWO levels up? I didn't even think that was permitted under USAH rules! I thought you could only play one level up. I don't know how old your boys were but the growth variations during adolescence are phenomenal and can really affect things.

 

We lost the entire season as well, because someone had the brilliant idea to separate the Bantam teams into birth years, instead of mixed. Bantams are 12-14 - the years they grow the most! Some had hit their growth spurts and some still looked like little boys. We seriously had many 4 footers battling almost all six footers at games, because the year older team had grown and our guys mostly had not. Mine was the height, but not the dexterity level of a boy a year older.

 

Disastrous year, with many concussions. I hear ya!

 

Travel Bantam is always separated by year around here, it's major and minor. Only House and Tier 3 is mixed.

 

At Midget it's 16U and 18U, although some clubs might keep a core group of 15 year olds together.

[TranquilMind]

Travel Bantam is always separated by year around here, it's major and minor. Only House and Tier 3 is mixed.

 

At Midget it's 16U and 18U, although some clubs might keep a core group of 15 year olds together.

 

Interesting. Here the AAA team is mixed and the lower tiers are always mixed, both teams with both years. Until last year when they decided to separate them. It doesn't work when you are the only team full of the younger year and everyone else has both years, it was discovered!

[Hockey Mom]

Update #2: Was at the rink for our House League game tonight, and was expecting to talk to the coach after the game while the boys did 'free skate'. Coach wouldn't make eye contact, so I chose to not confront him. He knows I'm upset, and I know that the director has reamed him out for what he's been doing. I'm going to bide my time and wait to see how this plays out.

 

So what happened? It's a long story, but here it is:

 

My boys tried out for the Squirt Travel team. Both of my boys were invited to join the team. At the first game, the coach gave my boys a grand total of 2 minutes in the first game, and a minute and a half in the second game. I was furious. My older son was in tears because he kept begging to play and the coach told him, "I really want to beat this team...you're going to sit this one out." My younger son wanted to quit playing altogether. My older son wanted to know why his coach wouldn't let him play. I sent the hockey director an email and we set up a meeting. The bottom line was the coach is new, and he would make an effort to play my older son. My younger son qualified for Travel Mites, so we put him on that team to free up space on the Squirt team. Fine. Everyone felt good. Then hockey director had to go out of town for two weeks, and coach kept putting DS10 with Mite kids at practice. I was livid. Coach kept ALL of the travel kids practicing together EXCEPT for MY kid.

 

The following weekend, DS10 got a fair amount of ice time. No problems at all, and I made it a point to thank the coach for letting DS10 play.

 

Then this weekend. First game, DS10 got a fair amount of time. Second game, he got 43 seconds. I got upset, I pulled DS10 off the bench, took him into the locker room and told him we were done. Hockey director came into the locker and convinced me to let DS10 finish the game. I agreed to it, but I was fuming. The hockey director walked DS10 back to the bench and told the coach to put him in the game.

 

The crux of the issue is the Coach and his son. His son is a vile little brat. His son skates fast, but is the cause of every turnover on the ice, and when he shoots the puck, he shoots it two feet above the net every time. Not a big deal, BUT, his father (the coach) acts like his kid is the next Wayne Gretzky, and gives his kid massive ice time. His kid is a bully in the locker room, dictating to the other players whether they are "allowed" to play with my kids off ice. He screams at my kids on the ice at practice, and the coach says nothing. The other parents are used to their kids being treated this way, and don't make waves. But we're new here. I have NEVER seen a coach so obviously favor his kid during games. I'm not going to sit by quietly while he treats my kid like he's some fourth-line scrub that can barely skate.

 

Because of my outburst yesterday (pulling my kid off the bench in the middle of the game), two more sets of parents came forward with the same complaints. So I suppose that's a good thing.

 

Tonight, at the House game, DS9 was a beast on the ice and really stood out among the crowd. He assisted on two goals, and had a shoot-out goal himself. Whenever the kids score, the whole line skates over to the bench and gives each other high-fives. Every time DS9 skated by coach's kid, the kid pulled his hand away. Only to my son. Not to the other kids. And when DS9 scored in the shoot-out, coach's kid berated the goalie in the locker room. At the end of the game, both teams line up to shake hands. When coach's kid skated passed DS10 (who was playing on the other team), he punched my DS10 in the face.

 

Adults at this rink seem to worship this kid because he is the fastest skater, but MY DS10 who played opposite of this kid during the game tonight, shut down coach's kid every single time. Coach's kid isn't used to other kids shutting him down. Especially not kids on his travel team. Coach's kid is a cancer in that locker room and is enlisting the other players to treat my kid like dirt.

 

The only positive about all of this so far, is that both of my boys had an amazing game tonight. Hockey director, parents, other coaches...they were ALL talking about how well my boys were in the game tonight. Everyone, except the coach (who ignored them the entire night), and the coach's kid who treated them like crap. There will be no way the coach can justify not playing my kid now. Everyone saw tonight that my kids play the game well.

 

And before anyone thinks I'm elevating my kids to an unrealistic level, I assure you I am not. I am very realistic about the strengths and weaknesses my boys have. But coming in from another rink, where I have been approached by other coaches for YEARS about my DS10's level of play, it's been a shock to me to have another coach bench my kid like he has no use for his talent on the ice. And if that's how he feels, he needs to suck it up because I paid the money, and I did NOT agree to put my kid on a short-bench team. He is single-handedly crushing my DS10's confidence. I won't stand for it. And neither will the hockey director.

 

If you read my novel, thank you. Thank you for your support, and thanks for letting me vent.

[Dandelion]

Sounds like you're handling this very graciously, given the circumstances. I can't believe the coach's kid punched your DS in the face. I hope there's going to be a serious consequence for that.

 

Hope you're able to work things out. :grouphug:

[Aelwydd]

Update #2: Was at the rink for our House League game tonight, and was expecting to talk to the coach after the game while the boys did 'free skate'. Coach wouldn't make eye contact, so I chose to not confront him. He knows I'm upset, and I know that the director has reamed him out for what he's been doing. I'm going to bide my time and wait to see how this plays out.

 

So what happened? It's a long story, but here it is:

 

My boys tried out for the Squirt Travel team. Both of my boys were invited to join the team. At the first game, the coach gave my boys a grand total of 2 minutes in the first game, and a minute and a half in the second game. I was furious. My older son was in tears because he kept begging to play and the coach told him, "I really want to beat this team...you're going to sit this one out." My younger son wanted to quit playing altogether. My older son wanted to know why his coach wouldn't let him play. I sent the hockey director an email and we set up a meeting. The bottom line was the coach is new, and he would make an effort to play my older son. My younger son qualified for Travel Mites, so we put him on that team to free up space on the Squirt team. Fine. Everyone felt good. Then hockey director had to go out of town for two weeks, and coach kept putting DS10 with Mite kids at practice. I was livid. Coach kept ALL of the travel kids practicing together EXCEPT for MY kid.

 

The following weekend, DS10 got a fair amount of ice time. No problems at all, and I made it a point to thank the coach for letting DS10 play.

 

Then this weekend. First game, DS10 got a fair amount of time. Second game, he got 43 seconds. I got upset, I pulled DS10 off the bench, took him into the locker room and told him we were done. Hockey director came into the locker and convinced me to let DS10 finish the game. I agreed to it, but I was fuming. The hockey director walked DS10 back to the bench and told the coach to put him in the game.

 

The crux of the issue is the Coach and his son. His son is a vile little brat. His son skates fast, but is the cause of every turnover on the ice, and when he shoots the puck, he shoots it two feet above the net every time. Not a big deal, BUT, his father (the coach) acts like his kid is the next Wayne Gretzky, and gives his kid massive ice time. His kid is a bully in the locker room, dictating to the other players whether they are "allowed" to play with my kids off ice. He screams at my kids on the ice at practice, and the coach says nothing. The other parents are used to their kids being treated this way, and don't make waves. But we're new here. I have NEVER seen a coach so obviously favor his kid during games. I'm not going to sit by quietly while he treats my kid like he's some fourth-line scrub that can barely skate.

 

Because of my outburst yesterday (pulling my kid off the bench in the middle of the game), two more sets of parents came forward with the same complaints. So I suppose that's a good thing.

 

Tonight, at the House game, DS9 was a beast on the ice and really stood out among the crowd. He assisted on two goals, and had a shoot-out goal himself. Whenever the kids score, the whole line skates over to the bench and gives each other high-fives. Every time DS9 skated by coach's kid, the kid pulled his hand away. Only to my son. Not to the other kids. And when DS9 scored in the shoot-out, coach's kid berated the goalie in the locker room. At the end of the game, both teams line up to shake hands. When coach's kid skated passed DS10 (who was playing on the other team), he punched my DS10 in the face.

 

Adults at this rink seem to worship this kid because he is the fastest skater, but MY DS10 who played opposite of this kid during the game tonight, shut down coach's kid every single time. Coach's kid isn't used to other kids shutting him down. Especially not kids on his travel team. Coach's kid is a cancer in that locker room and is enlisting the other players to treat my kid like dirt.

 

The only positive about all of this so far, is that both of my boys had an amazing game tonight. Hockey director, parents, other coaches...they were ALL talking about how well my boys were in the game tonight. Everyone, except the coach (who ignored them the entire night), and the coach's kid who treated them like crap. There will be no way the coach can justify not playing my kid now. Everyone saw tonight that my kids play the game well.

 

And before anyone thinks I'm elevating my kids to an unrealistic level, I assure you I am not. I am very realistic about the strengths and weaknesses my boys have. But coming in from another rink, where I have been approached by other coaches for YEARS about my DS10's level of play, it's been a shock to me to have another coach bench my kid like he has no use for his talent on the ice. And if that's how he feels, he needs to suck it up because I paid the money, and I did NOT agree to put my kid on a short-bench team. He is single-handedly crushing my DS10's confidence. I won't stand for it. And neither will the hockey director.

 

If you read my novel, thank you. Thank you for your support, and thanks for letting me vent.

 

 

 

OMG. OMG. I thought we had dibs on Coach Jackass, but apparently he has a brother. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this, and you are absolutely right to be infuriated. Your poor ds.

 

To answer Tranquil Mind's question, DS played on a Squirt Minor travel team, along with all the other '03's. They rate is as a "B" team. The other levels here are "A" (Squirt major) and "AA" (elite Squirt). However, when the parents voted which tournaments to attend, there was no say given as to which level we would play at. In tournaments, you can enter at whatever level you want, apparently. And in other states, they often go by an "A" "B" and "C" ranking, where "C" correlates with our "B," etc.

 

So, the coaches who knew this by the way--dh pointed it out in the tournament rules months beforehand, and so did another coach at our rink--refused to change their entry at "A" level at both tournaments. "A" in those tournamanets equals "AA" here in our state.

 

Effectively, our 9 year olds were playing elite 10 to 11 year olds. So, effectively, and predictably, they got their butts handed to them. I felt so badly for ds, who regretted even joining the team, because there's only so many games where you get blown out 15-2 before you just want to cry.

 

Our poor goalie was taking 50+ shots a game!

 

Anyway, that wasn't the worst of it. The coach also has his son on the team, and even though he is big and slow, he got played probably 80% of the time.

 

We never did have it out with the coach. I felt that the fact we lost every single game of the last two months of the season should have been instruction enough to him that his stupid plan of developing only 5 of his 14 skaters was a very stupid one.

 

Meanwhile, we're trying to repair the damage to Jackson's confidence as a player. Where in House League, he used to be one of the top contributors in terms of assists and goals, he now shows indecision and is unsure of himself on the ice, ESPECIALLY when there are players who are much better. He has learned that he is "not good enough" to play with them, and so he does not even try to challenge or keep up. He is a totally different kid in practice from in games. That's the real shame--he has no confidence to take what he does in practice and apply it in games. Because he doesn't believe he belongs on the ice with the "good players."

 

Like you said, it's not that I think my kid should be playing at the elite level. He's not skilled enough. However, at the "B" level? Yes, he's definitely a solid "second liner" if not better. He's the fastest skater o the team, and the strongest. He is not afraid of physical play. He's just not as skilled with handling the puck and that's why he has no confidence. But, again, the lesson he's learned is "If you're not the very best, you can't contribute on the ice."

 

I hope the director follows through, because that kind of coaching is a waste of talent. All kids deserve to be developed, and good grief, at the House level, it's beyond ridiculous that he should be restricting ice time!

[Hockey Mom]

"Jackass" Coach restricts the time for the travel Squirt games. He's not a coach for House league (thank God). My boys play both travel and house. Unfortunately, so does coach's kid.

 

Dh just told me that the director is out of town again this week, which means Jackass Coach is in charge of our practices. I'm bringing my video camera to the practice and I'm going to make sure the coach sees it. He has messed with the wrong hockey mom. I will make it my mission in life to make HIS life miserable at that rink if he continues to try and sabotage my kid. All I'm asking is that he play fair. No special treatment. Just fair.

 

Personally, I think USAH should make a rule that states coaches are prohibited from having their kids on their team. They obviously only care about the development of their own kids and don't care what happens to the confidence of everyone else. USAH wants to know why kids quit hockey after Pee Wee? It's because if your kid isn't given the chance to fail, make corrections, and develop by the time they are Pee Wees, then their 'hockey career' is pretty much over. You don't become a better player if you're never allowed to play.

[Mélie]

:grouphug: Sending good thoughts!

 

Does this league have a fair play rule? If it does, I'd bring along a copy of the rulebook to back yourself up.

[Truscifi]

The kid punched your son in the face when he was supposed to shake hands? Because your son played well against him? I.would.flip. I would pursue whatever disciplinary measures are available absolutely as far as possible.

[Aelwydd]

The kid punched your son in the face when he was supposed to shake hands? Because your son played well against him? I.would.flip. I would pursue whatever disciplinary measures are available absolutely as far as possible.

 

Agreed.