Mother's Day Dilemma

[MrsMeunier]

I'm just curious if any one else out there has a situation similar to mine regarding Mother's Day. I lost my mother 10 years ago and becoming a mother was a huge struggle for me (thankfully we were able to finally have 3 beautiful boys via IVF). So, now that I am a mom, Mother's Day is a big deal to me... maybe because there were a lot of not so happy Mother's Days in my past. But, for some reason, my wonderful husband (he truly is wonderful) does not understand this. I have tried explaining it to him, but he still doesn't seem to get it. Each of the four Mother's Days I've had so far since the birth of our oldest has been pretty much like a regular day. When he does think to get me a gift, it's usually very inexpensive and last minute. He doesn't plan anything; he just asks what I want to do. I have explained to him that what I want most is for him to plan the day for me and to be excited about whatever he has planned. Each year he just apologizes and says he couldn't think of anything. I end up feeling hurt and angry. It's truly not a lack of communication thing - he just does not see himself as capable of doing something like that. And I really don't mean to complain; he is an amazing husband and father. I feel like I need to adjust my expectations or just tell him I want to plan my own Mother's Day. It's just that I feel angry that I have to do that. Last night at dinner he asked me yet again what I wanted to do and confessed that he hasn't planned anything and forgot to order my gift in time, so whatever it is probably won't be here. I felt so upset. Does this make sense? Any advice?

[Mama Geek]

Why don't you let your dh off the hook and plan something fun to do since your kids are so young. A picnic at the park, baking cookies together, playing in the sprinkler with the kids, etc.

 

My dh will likely take dd out tomorrow or later tonight and buy balloons or flowers or both and we will probably do something like go to the park and play soccer, or fly kites together and maybe eat out so I don't have to cook dinner tomorrow or I may just put some ribs in the oven.

 

To me it isn't about what is planned by dh, it is what can we do to have fun together as a family and I don't mind coming up with some of the ideas.

[QueenCat]

Demonstrate for him on Father's Day.... unless, of course, he wants to plan his Father's Day. If he does, that may be why he doesn't know what to do with your day... I'd rather plan mine, so I can understand that he may have difficulty trying to figure out what you would consider a great day.

[Dandelion]

I think your best bet is a combination of adjusting your expectations and then taking over the planning yourself (at least for awhile).

 

First, try to let go of the expectation that he should be planning this for you. He sounds like he honestly feels incapable of handling this. More discussions about it probably won't do any good (since you've already discussed it many times and nothing's changed).

 

In your situation, I would just take over Mother's Day and plan for/orchestrate it myself for the next couple years. Once he's experienced the day the way you'd like it to go a few times, he will then be in a better position to plan it for you. And while he's observing and learning, you get to enjoy Mother's Day. :)

[theYoungerMrsWarde]

What I've done in the past is come up with a list of ideas, and then he can pick one/some or use it as inspiration. I do the same with presents. If you have radio, tv, internet, or junk mail there really is NO excuse for forgetting.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I did not get the kind of Mother's Day that I wanted until my daughter was old enough to plan it. Neither my dh or ds got it! When my children were little, I planned my own Mother's day and told my dh exactly what I wanted.

[joannqn]

Definitely, give him specific things you want him to buy and/or plan. Say something like this, "My dear husband, I really want to feel cared for and special on Mother's Day. You can help me feel special by buying me this lens for my camera, wrapping it in pretty pink paper, and taking us all out to bunch at Mom's Day Diner. Make sure you order the lens by May 5th so it gets here on time. The brunch sells out early, so make sure you call and make reservations by May 1st. I would also like you to buy tickets for the Oklahoma play at the XYZ theater and taking me out to dinner at the Olive Garden. Please call Uncle Bob and ask him to babysit the kids while we are at dinner and the play. I'm looking forward to you planning my best Mother's Day ever!"

[Belacqua]

Isn't there some high office to which we can nominate JoAnn? Somebody with those planning skills needs to be in charge of the country.

[joannqn]

Isn't there some high office to which we can nominate JoAnn? Somebody with those planning skills needs to be in charge of the country.

 

Hey suggesting it is different from doing it. Go read my Mother's Day thread. Apparently, the world decided my Mother's Day was going to be spent being extra busy on my children's needs rather than my own. I'm considering declaring next weekend JoAnn's Day.

[MrsMeunier]

Thanks for the advice yall :) Very helpful and encouraging :)

[Parrothead]

You can't count on anyone but yourself to ensure your happiness. You have to adjust your expectations. Your dh has proven time and again this day is not important to him. It is important to you, so you will have to be the one to make yourself happy.

 

When your dh asks what you want to do, tell him. Give him something to work with. Do you want dinner and a movie? A no cooking day at home with the kids? An outing in the park? Tell him what you want so he does not have to guess.

 

Perhaps he is so fearful of getting it wrong, since you put so much stock in this day, that he doesn't even bother.

 

 

[OrganicAnn]

I think you need to plan your own mother's day (next year), but make your DH do the work. Maybe he will eventually learn how it is done. Maybe in early April you will have a list with three things - 1) Restaurant, 2) activity and 3) gift. Under each one, pick two options.

 

1) Olive Garden or Applebee

2) A bike ride in the park or plant flowers in pots in the patio

3) Spa gift certificate or nice robe

 

Then talk him through what is involved in each one. Reservations, carry out, buying plants, shopping for robe, etc.

 

Then about two weeks before mother's day, ask if he has any questions.

 

Also try to free up some time for him on the weekends so that he can do his shopping.

[Starr]

And once he does something on his own you get to act like it's perfect and not complain about how much money he spent. Don't set yourself up for misery. :grouphug:

[Joker]

I think the what is ultimately going to make you the happiest is to change your expectations. Otherwise, you're probably always going to feel let down.

 

My dh is awesome but he would hate having to plan days like that for me. I've always planned them and just told everyone what we're doing. This year I wanted to go out to eat today to avoid the crowds tomorrow. Tomorrow after church we're walking to my favorite smoothie place.

 

As far as gifts go, if there is something I want I'll just get it. He does always get me a card and flowers, though (which, fortunately, is usually all I want).

[Jean in Newcastle]

I also wanted to say that in my family, Mother's Day (once the kids get old enough) is primarily between the kids and me. It's up to the kids to nag dh to pay for what they decide for me! It works the same way for Father's Day here. I realize that not all families do it that way but I just wanted to put that out there.

[zoobie]

I would be hurt too. Does he plan anything?

 

Could you, not tomorrow, sit down once again and explain that this makes you feel as if he doesn't find you worth the effort. Ask him to plan a practice event on a smaller scale. Just a meal. Build up...

 

It frustrates me too, and one of my friends said, "What do you expect? He's a man!" Uh, he manages to plan things out just fine at the office. He's a lawyer and understands how calendars and TIME work. He plans stuff for the kids. Don't call the nice brunch places on Saturday afternoon and be shocked they're full! He screwed up the first couple but now calls in April to make reservations. It's a meal and a card, not rocket science!

[Zebra]

In our house Mother's Day is the one day of the year when I get to do what I want to do. So, I plan what day I want. If I want a present, I buy it beforehand. I tell DH exactly what he needs to do that day. Maybe he needs to help dd make me lunch, maybe he needs to take dd out for the day so I have can some alone time. It's different every year. I know that this isn't everyone's idea of fun, but it has really lowered the stress level, and raised the happiness level in our household.

[Remudamom]

You need to help him out and do a little training. Show him stuff you'd like to have planned or give him a choice of a couple of things. Maybe he'll catch on, and if he doesn't just do it yourself.

[Laurie4b]

I vote change your expectations that your dh will know how to plan Mother's Day for you. You say he's a great dh, so don't set him up to disappoint you. He doesn't get your girly celebration hopes/expectations. He just doesn't. Tell him what you want.

[TXBeth]

DH doesn't plan Mother's Day for me or buy me a gift, because I am not his mother. He does help the kids with whatever they want to plan, usually a special snack or a homemade card or sneaking in early to say Happy Mother's Day (see my siggy for their ages).

[LostSurprise]

I think it is a bit much to expect someone with no interest/understanding of Mother's Day to plan AND be excited about it.

 

Like others have said, be specific with what you want or give him a range of acceptable activities and let him chose. Some families don't make a big deal out of it. A hug, a kiss, maybe a call or a card. What looks like normal for you is not normal for everyone, so spouses have to train each other in their expectations. Lots of grace necessary.

[gardenmom5]

how does he feel about father's day? how does he regard his own mother on mother's day?

 

those things will tell you if this is just he doesn't speak your "love langauge", or something else.

 

some people have to learn how to put themselves out, and your dh may be one.

[CupOCoffee]

You can't count on anyone but yourself to ensure your happiness. You have to adjust your expectations. Your dh has proven time and again this day is not important to him. It is important to you, so you will have to be the one to make yourself happy.

 

When your dh asks what you want to do, tell him. Give him something to work with. Do you want dinner and a movie? A no cooking day at home with the kids? An outing in the park? Tell him what you want so he does not have to guess.

 

Perhaps he is so fearful of getting it wrong, since you put so much stock in this day, that he doesn't even bother.

 

 

I agreed with lots of the other posts, but THIS ONE, it really hits the mark. If he asks, by all means TELL. You know what you want, and you need to tell him. He can't read your mind, so don't make him guess. This way, no time is wasted on hurt feeling, him trying to figure out what went wrong; you and he and the kids will be happy and you will have a wonderful day.

 

BTW: I learned early on in my marriage (26 years and going strong) that if I wanted something for my birthday, anniversary, Mothers Day, Christmas, etc., then I just needed to go ahead and get it. It's not that my DH doesn't care, or doesn't want to be bothered -- he just is clueless. Last year for my birthday was I think the only time in all those years that I said "this is what I want, and you have to buy it". It was a Kindle, and *he* has the Amazon account. I told him, he did it, and I was happy.

 

~coffee~

[Jenny in Florida]

You can't count on anyone but yourself to ensure your happiness. You have to adjust your expectations. Your dh has proven time and again this day is not important to him. It is important to you, so you will have to be the one to make yourself happy.

 

When your dh asks what you want to do, tell him. Give him something to work with. Do you want dinner and a movie? A no cooking day at home with the kids? An outing in the park? Tell him what you want so he does not have to guess.

 

Perhaps he is so fearful of getting it wrong, since you put so much stock in this day, that he doesn't even bother.

 

 

I agree with much of this, except the assumption that the day "isn't important" to her husband. That may be true, or it may be that her husband simply doesn't know what to do for her.

 

I say this the person in my own relationship who repeatedly disappoints her spouse when it comes to gifting and holiday celebrations.

 

Anyone who has read any of my annual, pleading, despearate posts prior to Christmas, Father's Day and my husband's birthday can attest to the fact that I want very badly to make my husband feel special and loved on those occasions. However, we come at these things from such completely different places, emotionally, and with such mismatched baggage that I inevitably fail, hurting his feelings and making myself feel worthless and hopeless.

 

Here, too, it's not about lack of communication. He's told me quite clearly what he wants -- I am supposed to buy him something he wants and plan something he'd like to do. The problem is that, from his point of view, if he has to tell me what those things are, it doesn't count. And I simply have no clue. And the many times I've tried, I've gotten it wrong more often than I've gotten it right. And so, eventually, it has come to the point at which I spend much of the year with my stomach churning in sadly desperate dread, knowing I will disappoint him again and feeling too depressed about the whole thing to rouse myself enough to even attempt to fix it.

 

What I wish my husband would do is to just tell me what he'd like to do and appreciate that he has a family happily willing to clear our calendars and devote a whole day to celebrating him in whatever way he wishes, rather than being disappointed every year that we still can't read his mind.

[Catwoman]

I think it is a bit much to expect someone with no interest/understanding of Mother's Day to plan AND be excited about it.

 

I don't.

 

If he knows it's important to her, that should be enough.

 

I'm not saying he'll get everything right, but if he knows the day is a big deal to her, there's really no excuse for ordering the gift late and not being able to come up with any ideas about what to do for the day. As Zoobie said, this isn't rocket science. I'm sure MrsMeunier's dh knows what restaurants she likes; I'll bet if he gave her a nice card and a gift, and said he was taking her out to dinner at her favorite restaurant, she would be very happy with that.

 

I suspect that the problem isn't the actual gift or which restaurant they go to for dinner, but the idea that her dh doesn't bother to put forth any effort at all, and doesn't seem to care that Mother's Day is important to her. Her dh sounds like a great guy in many other ways, but I can still understand why her feelings are hurt.

[Mom in High Heels]

I completely understand. James Bond doesn't know what to do either. He's been gone most of the MD's since Indy was born, but the one's he's been home for have found him at a complete loss. He has in the past tried to make me breakfast in bed, but I finally told him that while I appreciate the effort it wasn't necessary. What I didn't tell him, because I didn't want to hurt his feelings, is that I could barely choke down the weak tea, cold eggs (I hate eggs for b'fast and never eat them) and cold toast. I simply told him it was too difficult to eat in bed (which it is). If he gets me flowers, they are last minute, run to the closest store that is open and grab whatever is left, flowers. Again, I know it's the thought, but a little planning would be appreciated as well. Last night he asked what I wanted to do for MD. What I want is to have a nice, relaxing day that *I* didn't have to plan. I plan everything we do (seriously, I even had to plan our honeymoon), so it would be nice to have a day where I didn't have to do it. I've finally just come to realize that it's just not going to happen. Sigh.

 

We couldn't really do anything today though, because Indy has Scout swimming today. I questioned why they chose MD to do this and it was apparently the only day they could get the pool. Sigh.

[HeartatHome]

Mother's day is not a super huge deal for me. I sort of think it's something more for the kid's and me and my husband can just help/encourage as needed. Although, he does try to get me flowers or chocolate or something like that. Usually last minute and one year the flowers were even a bit wilted.(If that makes you feel better) :laugh: I can laugh about it now but at the time it wasn't so funny. I just realized my husband is not a planner.at.all. I generally am the one who plans everything (same as the pp) I even planned our own honeymoon. That might have been a red flag for me there lol. Honestly, I have learned through the years to just tell him what I want. This year I asked him to take the kids in the morning so I can sleep in! Honestly, I have an infant who keeps me up half the night so sleep is a precious commodity so that's my wish.

 

Maybe it's not a huge deal for me because I tend not to make a big deal for Father's day either! lol.

 

But honestly, the fact he's asking you tells me he is sincere and wants to please you but perhaps just doesn't know what to do. Give him some ideas next year and see what he does with that. I can honestly say there are times, I have no clue what to do for my husband on his birthday! Clueless! It's not that I don't care just sometimes I don't know.

 

Also, some times men are scared to do something super big because then they feel that would be expected every year. Between birthday's, anniversaries, valentine's day, Christmas and then Mother's day. That can get overwhelming.

[albeto]

Does this make sense? Any advice?

 

 

It makes total sense. Hugs to you on your hard day, missing your mom, and dreams that are not realized.

 

I would encourage you to change the way you interpret this day, redefine what makes it special. To do that, think about what it is that would make it special. Is it the treatment you would like to experience? Is it your husband surprising you? Is it a day of pampering, surprises, respect? What is it that would make this day the Perfect Mother's Day? Be specific if you can, and see what one or two things would be non-negotiable if you could snap your fingers and have it just right. I'm not asking you to share it, just ponder it yourself.

 

I suggest this because I think it might give you some insight into what you feel you're missing, and why this day is so important to getting that. My point is to start looking for some way you can get this need met throughout the year so the pressure of this one day isn't so great.

[Lilaclady]

Like most of the pp has said, maybe you need to plan it out for the next couple of years then you Dh will know what you like and hopefully take over. It is hard sometimes to lower our expecting but that might be what you need to do for now

[MrsMeunier]

Thanks for all the great posts ladies. I think it's one of those things that I needed to talk through and figure out where the feelings were coming from and how to deal with them. I try to never speak complaining words about my husband to my friends and family - I usually make it my policy to work it out with him. This was one situation where I wasn't getting anywhere by talking with him, so I just needed to tell someone :) You know how sometimes when all the words swirl in your head and you can't make sense of it? But magically, when you type it out, you start to see things from different angles? Anyway, all that to say that I somehow feel much better just by getting it out. Thank you for listening! I am thinking over birthdays and other holidays and realizing that planning this stuff truly isn't his thing. I am always the one to enthusiastically do it and I get really really excited about it (I love to surprise him or the kids on holidays/birthdays). But he is not that way at all. I do need to tell him specifically what I need him to do and plan the rest myself. :)

[LibraryLover]

I would start planning as well. Tell him a couple of weeks in advance what you would specifically like, give him a couple of restaurant (or whatnot) ideas, and see what happens. Remind him that he will need to make reservations. You can do this nicely. You can also ask him what he would like for FD, which might help him see it's important to you.

 

My favorite thing to do nothing, since I have to be out so much. I would maybe ask him to take the children out for the day so I could be alone. lol

[Murphy101]

Just tell him what you want and that you don't want to be the one to make it happen.

 

Iow. If you want to go to a nice restaurant. Then tell him you expect him to make reservations at a restaurant he knows you like.

 

I think that's a reasonable compromise. He is still doing it. And he knows it's what you want.

 

I don't like doing it myself. To me, it's the thought that counts. I'd be hurt too if he couldn't even think of me enough to make the reservation I asked for or whatever.

 

Of course I'd give lots of notice for budgeting and understand if we couldn't afford it.

My kids almost never buy me anything. Bc they are broke. ;) but while dh is taking me shopping, they are getting my house uber clean without the slightest grumble. I sure appreciate it. :D

[Word Nerd]

I am always the one to enthusiastically do it and I get really really excited about it (I love to surprise him or the kids on holidays/birthdays). But he is not that way at all. I do need to tell him specifically what I need him to do and plan the rest myself. :)

 

 

It sounds like giving gifts may be your love language but definitely isn't his. I don't think it's wrong to want to feel special on these holidays, but expecting him to match your own enthusiasm and talent for planning awesome gifts and surprises is likely going to end in frustration and hurt feelings because that's not who he is. I think telling him exactly what you want or planning it yourself is a good plan.

[Shahrazad]

I completely understand why you feel the way you do and I can definitely see why this would hurt you :( . My feeling would be, does he do thoughtful things for you on a regular basis, honor you as a mother regularly and express his respect and praise for you? Do the kids do the same? Does he ever do things like 'breakfast in bed', take you out or do something as a surprise, or get you little gifts for no real reason? If so, I'd say that it is worthwhile to see that every day is 'Mother's Day', your husband and children respect and honor you all the time and they don't confine it to one day a year so even if he isn't pulling off planning a real Mother's Day celebration for you on Mother's Day, he is celebrating you the whole year round :).