How to you deal when grandparents appear to favor one or two children?

[melmichigan]

How do you deal when grandparents appear to favor one or two children? DC's grandmother has tried to be fair with the kids, but it usually ends up with the oldest or one or two DC spending more time with her, more because of their interests. How do you deal with this?

[Jann in TX]

You just deal. It is life and life is not always 'fair'.

 

My parents rarely spend time with my kids-- they spend LOTS with my sister's... but then my sister lives in the same town and I'm 8 hours away!

 

I don't think Grandparents should have to divide their attention equally (and spend the exact dollar amount on every grandchild)... each child is an individual-- some are more needy and some are more sociable.

 

I spend more time with my sister than I do with my brother. I talk to my sister almost every week-- perpaps 1-2 times a year with my brother. I love my sister AND my brother (good relationships with both)-- but my sister is just more socialble and my brother works HARD and has his own family issues to deal with. (My brother and I do keep tabs on each other through other family members so we know that everything is OK...).

[goldberry]

I have a niece with three kids. She won't let either grandparent take any of the kids without taking all of them, so no one feels left out. The oldest is 9 and the youngest is 3. One grandparent is older and can't handle littler ones, so never gets to spend any time with the older ones either.

 

My sister always felt my mom favored her oldest over her youngest. And she did. Oldest was a nice kid, younger was a snot. But instead of trying to mitigate the situation, she constantly badmouthed to the younger, yes, you know your grandma just likes your sister better... (Yeah, that's productive.)

 

Sorry, no real advice here, just bad examples to avoid!

[Jean in Newcastle]

I think it is natural to spend some more time with someone that you share interests with. But I think that no children should be forgotten or left out - esp. by a grandparent. Sometimes kids grow into more interests as they get older and then they will get to spend that time with Gpa and Gma. So my answer is that it depends on what kind of favoring you mean and if it will even out a bit as they all get older.

[MomtoCandJ]

Well it seems like my child is the favorite with both sides.... So maybe my opinion wouldn't matter. Anyway with the inlaws dd is the youngest by nine years and closer so of course dd spends more time with them and is happy with smaller/ cheaper gifts (dns are all into electronics like ipods and what not) With my mom, she just buys dd a lot of stuff (more expensive stuff) when she is visiting. My mom helps my brother with his three children so she sees them often. My mom spends more on my dd, she feels that even though mine is the youngest (by a couple of months), my dd takes better care of her things and my mom buys for dd a few times a year, with DB children she's getting smaller things more frequently. My youngest DB also favors my dd but that is a whole different can of worms.

[OrganicAnn]

I think it depends of whether it is unintentional or if it is favoritism. If a GP has a special interest and shares that with one or two grandchild, it isn't like they are trying to play favorites. Or if some grandkids live closer to the GP than their cousins, then it makes sense they will spend more time with the grandparents. I think it is nice if the GP and the parents try to think of ways to make things more even. I think it is both responsibility to try to think of ways to even things out. It is not just the GPs responsibility (unless the GP are uncooperative). Kids are smart. They realize when things are unintentional and when things are just plain unfair.

[melmichigan]

I am only discussing my own DC, not the other GC, so I'm not sure if that changes any of the answers. My own parents are deceased, so just DH's side.

 

I have limited activity in the past because it's just hard sometimes to explain why GP is only taking one DC to do something. It also leads to a lot of hard feelings because all DC are now old enough to realize when they are missing out. I'm just not sure how to continue to deal with it on an ongoing basis. I can explain why one goes out to eat when the others won't eat at a particular restaurant, but other things are more difficult, like taking one DC for the day on the premise of getting yarn but her twin is crying because it isn't fair to be left home for hours.

[Starr]

We have one that always asked for one of our children. She never got either of them. :(

[Joker]

I wouldn't make grandparents take more than one at a time if that is what they wanted, but I might try to make the outings more even between kids if their feelings are getting hurt.

[Tita Gidge]

I liked the post by Jann in TX, and also that of Jean in Newcastle.

 

I come from a large family, so we're used to dealing with a variety of personalities.

 

Some click, some clash - and that's just the way the cookie crumbles, fair or not. Nice or not. Right or not.

 

Grandparents are human, too. Sometimes failingly so.

 

My family is very open about whom is whose favorite. I guess it's never really a big deal because there are so many of us. Growing up, we had enough close family that each of us was SOMEONE's favorite. Now that we're the aunts and uncles there are still enough of us that every kid is covered LOL -- no one is nobody's favorite. Nobody doesn't love anybody, we just naturally gravitate towards those who share our temperments and interests. Love shouldn't be judged by fairness; no one wins.

 

How it must hurt one's heart to see the unfairness, though. I'm sorry it's an issue in your family :( I wouldn't intervene other than to work on the heart I had more influence on (my kid's). My mom has scads of grandchildren, and of them all my son is her favorite. They get a lot of one-on-one time, and he's so much better for it. I couldn't imagine holding their relationship hostage to her good intentions playing out unfairly. But there have been a few times that I suggest he invite another sibling or cousin along for g'ma time, and he understands why. There are times when I invite HER to do things with us, or with other groups of kids to break up things a bit. But by and large I leave their relationship to them.

 

All I can do is work with the situation I've been handed; I can't go changing people. And not for wont of trying LOL.

[clarkacademy]

My parents treat all the grandkids the same. My exes don't. They have nothing to do with my children and my children are happier with that as well.

[PollyOR]

I'm a grandparent and I can see how this could easily happen. It shouldn't, but I can see how it could.

 

It appeared that one of my gc was being favored by her other grandmother. The both love shopping and all things princess. The parents pointed it out more than once what they saw happening. It seems more balanced now.

 

This is DH's mother? Has he talked to her?

[bettyandbob]

When I was a child my mother's mother would only take one of us at a time. BUT she did spend time with all three of us. She preferred to enjoy us one at a time. She preferred to pick one activity that the particular child enjoyed and just focus on the one child. So time and attention was distributed evenly.

 

Honestly, my grandmother had a point. Grandparents want to have fun with the grandchildren. They've already done the hard parenting. Why should she have to take the whole pack and spend the day trying to please all of the children while listening to them bicker because when more than one is present compromises have to be made about whose favorite activity will be done.

 

Perhaps you MIL knows what special activities to do with the children she is taking and she doesn't really know the interests of the others. Could you help her to think of fun activities that she could do one on one with the other dc. My own MIL also prefers one child at a time. But she is aware that the kids notice. She will take my dd to a play that she knows ds would dislike, but she will call ds specifically to discuss some sort of thing they could do (MIL is a big movie buff, so often it's the premier of an action movie which ds enjoys). Think of things that would be great one on one that are specific to each child. Try to make them personal to the child's interests with consideration to what your MIL can handle doing. Then talk to MIL and if she wants suggestions make them.

[lynn]

Does it bother your other children or just you as a mom seeing it as a child being left out? My grandparents would come new England take a grand child or 2 bring them to their home in California for a week or more. My grandparents in New York did the same thing. I never felt left out or that this was unfair when my sisters went and I did not get to go. I loved being home and having more time with my parents without shared attention I guess. It really was not a big deal. I did get my turn to spend a summer in California and weeks in NewYork.

[Dory]

If they seem to actually dislike one of my kids and purposefully not want to spend time with them, then I wouldn't allow them to spend time with any of them. If it's a case of, their personality matches up with some of my kids more so than the other kids, well, that's normal. I won't force relationships, if my kids form a close relationship with a different adult than the other two, that's ok. I want them to have other adults that I trust that will feed into their lives, but it doesn't always have to be the grandparents. My dh's dad get's along really well with my oldest, my parents thoroughly enjoy my youngest (he tires dh's parents out too fast although they love him). My dd loves her grandparents, but she has formed a better relationship with a close friend of mine who loves having her over to play with her own dd. I'm ok with that. It's not that the grandparent's don't love the others, they just mesh better with some of them.

[zoobie]

Does the grandmother have special outings with the twin who isn't into yarn? If she's not making a similar effort with each kid, that's not cool. Even if they don't share the same interests naturally, that doesn't excuse a grandparent from developing a relationship with that child. I don't know what I'd do other than mentioning it to the grandmother that Twin B would also love to spend time with her because right now he feels left out. Essentially giving her an "I message" on his behalf. ;)

 

I completely support taking children out one at a time. Taking my three at once exhausts me some days! But grand-parenting isn't like being friends where you can pick and choose based on compatibility. The grandmother should want to make an effort to find common ground and develop a relationship with each one.

[Lisbeth]

Does the grandmother have special outings with the twin who isn't into yarn? If she's not making a similar effort with each kid, that's not cool. Even if they don't share the same interests naturally, that doesn't excuse a grandparent from developing a relationship with that child. I don't know what I'd do other than mentioning it to the grandmother that Twin B would also love to spend time with her because right now he feels left out. Essentially giving her an "I message" on his behalf. ;)

 

I completely support taking children out one at a time. Taking my three at once exhausts me some days! But grand-parenting isn't like being friends where you can pick and choose based on compatibility. The grandmother should want to make an effort to find common ground and develop a relationship with each one.

Agree. Shame on a grandparent who is blatant about favoritism. I refuse to let my kids feel like second class grandchildren. We go on very low contact and find great senior role models at church. In our case the rebels with criminal behavior are favored. Avoidance !

[Rebecca VA]

That's awfully harsh, Lisbeth -- the OP said the grandmother is trying to be fair.

[windmillmarie]

I liked the post by Jann in TX, and also that of Jean in Newcastle.

 

I come from a large family, so we're used to dealing with a variety of personalities.

 

Some click, some clash - and that's just the way the cookie crumbles, fair or not. Nice or not. Right or not.

 

Grandparents are human, too. Sometimes failingly so.

 

My family is very open about whom is whose favorite. I guess it's never really a big deal because there are so many of us. Growing up, we had enough close family that each of us was SOMEONE's favorite. Now that we're the aunts and uncles there are still enough of us that every kid is covered LOL -- no one is nobody's favorite. Nobody doesn't love anybody, we just naturally gravitate towards those who share our temperments and interests. Love shouldn't be judged by fairness; no one wins.

 

How it must hurt one's heart to see the unfairness, though. I'm sorry it's an issue in your family :( I wouldn't intervene other than to work on the heart I had more influence on (my kid's). My mom has scads of grandchildren, and of them all my son is her favorite. They get a lot of one-on-one time, and he's so much better for it. I couldn't imagine holding their relationship hostage to her good intentions playing out unfairly. But there have been a few times that I suggest he invite another sibling or cousin along for g'ma time, and he understands why. There are times when I invite HER to do things with us, or with other groups of kids to break up things a bit. But by and large I leave their relationship to them.

 

All I can do is work with the situation I've been handed; I can't go changing people. And not for wont of trying LOL.

 

 

 

I struggle with this. I came from a smaller family where there weren't many kids and frankly, we were spoiled. My DH on the other hand came from a large family with the same dynamics you've described- only, he ended up not being a favorite of everyone. He recalls Christmases with a ton of people running around and chaos without receiving one gift and birthdays that only his parents remembered while other siblings had family stopping by. He remembers his grandma and grandpa taking his younger siblings on a vacation but not him because he 'should stay back and help his parents.' As a result, he ended up working most his family holidays as a late teen and now as an adult, is on a very superficial relationship with most his family other than a few siblings and his father.

 

Right now, we see the same thing happening with our younger kids on that same side of the family and we've been trying to block it. I agree with teaching kids that sometimes things aren't fair, but I like to leave that for things like birthday invites for one kid or opportunities related to scouting that one might have. But I might be jaded because the child often left out of things is my child with Aspergers, so it comes off as the grandparents not wanting to relate to their child that isn't neurotypical.

[2squared]

These threads are always difficult for me to read. It just seems like there isn't any perfect or best way to be a grandparent.

 

My mom is in the "completely equal" camp, and it's draining. Nothing in life is completely equal, and there's a little something artificial about her relationships with my kids. Maybe b/c she seems them as more as a package than as individuals. My mom is completely equal with my brother & I, and that annoys both of us. My kids all feel equally loved by her, so I guess she is doing that well.

 

My dad treats the grandkids all the same, but I know his favorite is my 9yo. As much as my mom's equalness annoys me, my dad's favoritism does too. The kids have no idea that he has a favorite, but they wouldn't since they maybe see him once/year.

 

My ILs have over 20 grandchildren spanning 25 years. They love everyone equally, and they have completely distinct relationships with every grandchild. No one feels left out even though time, attention, and finances are not shared equally. My ILs spend a lot of time with one set of grandchildren, but mine certainly don't feel left out. They just have a different relationship with those kids. My kids' relationship with them is great, it's just not the same relationship. Even within our 5 kids, each child has their own relationship with the grandparents. None are better or worse; they are just different. My ILs have 8 sets of grandchildren, and only one SIL gets jealous/uptight about the relationship stuff. I think it's because she expects more/different from my ILs than what they are able/willing to provide. This SIL and my ILs have had a rocky relationship over the years, and it has definitely impacted her kids' relationships with their grandparents.

 

So, in my very limited experience, I think a lot of happiness and satisfaction comes down to expectations. Now, in my IL's large family, no one would allow any of the kids to be completely left out. I have a SIL who purposefully goes through the Christmas present list and brings extras for kids who might not have any/many. If one of my kids won't be getting any aunt/uncle presents that year, I prep him/her before we arrive. I wouldn't not notice that my kid was getting the shaft every time, and if my kid was getting the shaft, I would "fix" it somehow.

[KungFuPanda]

I think that blatant, rude favoritism should be dealt with, but people are allowed to have preferences and shouldn't have to be fake about it. Some people, even if they are your grandchildren, are just easier to get along with. Some people just share more interests. I'm not sure this can be classified as favoritism and it doesn't mean they are more LOVED. Yes, they should make an effort to treat all of he kids well, and not give one child a pony and the other a rock for Christmas, but beyond that, there is no such thing as 'fair.'. The best they can do is try to connect more with the kids who don't click easily and naturally with their own personalities.

 

I think you have to ask, if the relationship with the favored child didn't exist as a comparison, how are the grandparents treating the other children? Are they kind? Are the loving? I'd put my foot down if one kid was always invited on a cruise and another was never taken, but I certainly wouldn't sit around and tally up things to the point of "At Thanksgiving you spoke to Suzie for three hours and you only talked to Johnny for 20 minutes."

[bettyandbob]

But I might be jaded because the child often left out of things is my child with Aspergers, so it comes off as the grandparents not wanting to relate to their child that isn't neurotypical.

 

 

I think this is a situation where you have to give the grandparents options for things to do with the child. I know none of the grandparents really knows what to do with one of my dc and mainly that is because of his disability. So, you have to open the conversation and have lists of things the child enjoys. If it's possible the list would include activities that range in both cost and in physical requirements (not all grandparents can rock climb, but they might take X to the gym and watch him climb and treat him to a sub after).

 

When your child has a disability, think about all the special care you take in planning the day to make it successful and avoiding meltdowns. Think. Some of what you do is second nature and not obvious AT ALL. Grandma and Granddad are not going know or understand or know how to plan and predict those things.

 

The activity may need to involve significantly less time than activities with other dc. There's a farm park near me that's free. A grandparent could pick up my child drive there walk around the barns and look at the pastures and be back home in 30-45 minutes. Nothing like some all days things the siblings have done, but it is special time and because it's short it remains special because grandma does not have to deal with meals and there's not really enough time for something to do wrong.

 

Sometimes you have to help grandparents find what they can do that matches their own abilities and the child's interests.

 

For some kids this may mean carving out a time in which the child, the parent and the grandparent spend together without siblings. Sometimes special needs kids are very hard to handle and we as parents have been dealing with them so long we don't recognize that aspect of our child--we just stay in protecting mode a lot.

[AnIslandGirl]

We have no control over how anyone chooses to spend their own time or their money. It's just not something I'd ever think to worry about. There will always be many different types of relationships in our lives and we all spend more time with some people than others. It has no bearing on playing favorites, just personal preferences and personalities.

Hopefully your younger children have a special relationship with another adult in their lives as well.

[I.Dup.]

My husband's mother (and so, my in-laws) definitely favor our only daughter. It's glaringly obvious, and yes the boys have noticed. She never had a girl, so I get it. But I'm glad we only see them once every 1-2 years.

[In the Rain]

This thread is makes me sad, but thankful my kids have good feelings about all 7 of their grandparents. I don't know how the grandparents treat the other grandkids, and I guess ignorance is bliss. :closedeyes:

 

Honestly, I would primarily worry about my children's relationship with each other. As long as one isn't feeling slighted, I wouldn't worry about the "fairness" of who gets what. One of my MILs absolutely loves to shop, and gift giving is probably her love language. One of my dds is the same way. My oldest dd hates to shop, so she is relieved when Nana takes only the younger dd shopping. She doesn't get as many new clothes, but the option is there so she doesn't feel left out. She'd rather play board games, which Nana is also willing to do.

 

If one dd was feeling left out, I'd try to orchestrate some time or interaction with the grandparent in question.

[mamajudy]

My husband's mother (and so, my in-laws) definitely favor our only daughter. It's glaringly obvious, and yes the boys have noticed. She never had a girl, so I get it. But I'm glad we only see them once every 1-2 years.

 

 

This sounds almost like our situation. DH's parents fussed over our first child and always favored her over the others, who they never really got to know. Thankfully, we live 1200 miles away, so we hardly ever saw them. The grandparents have all passed away now, so it's no longer an issue. But it was rather touchy when DH's dad lived with us the last 18 months of his life and we were caring for him (ALS - aka Lou Gehrig's disease).

[melmichigan]

Thank you for all the replies. Everyone has given me quite a bit to think about.

 

My DH did speak with GP last night, she will make plans to take the other twin by herself on a different weekend. I really like the suggestion to come up with things for her to do with the boys, it's obviously easier for her to find things to do with the girls.

 

GP used to take all three girls when the boys were younger, it was a great break for me at the time. I can definitely see where that becomes a problem as they get older and have different interests so I have no problem with the change to taking one at a time. I don't think that this is an intentional act, more that it just happens and DC are noticing it.

 

After my Dad died my DC essentially lost both grandparents on my side. My step-mother has only seen them a half a dozen times in seven years but regularly travels out of state to see her biological grandchildren. That is a different situation altogether.

[MomtoCandJ]

I believe distance plays a role in our dynamics, and with inlaws age and expectations from the children.

[David the docile]

I'm 36 and have 3 kids. My sister is 40 and also has 3 kids the exact same ages but mine all came a few months earlier. I also gave them their first grandson. But despite the kids being the same age and me giving them their first grandson, they have literally spent in percentage wise. 90% my sisters kids and 10% mine. My sister in the first 5 years of the kids lives lived very close to the children's grandparents.. ie 1 mile away and I lived 6 miles away. So distance isn't really the issue as both drive, and in the past my brother had given them their first grand daughter and she lived 25 miles away and was seen just as much as my sisters kids. After too many years passing and me just working hard, my kids and my wife were asking me why they would do this. That broke me as a father and the mission to find out why begun. After months of trying to tell them it's unfair and affecting my whole family,( Grandma denied it all and was even proved to be a liar by my daughter, as she had the photos and texts to prove it off her cousin. My sisters daughter) they started to do some more with my kids. After a little while though it just went back to the old ways and even worse, my sister now lives a mile from me and thats 5 miles from them. But they won't even drop by after seeing her kids. It's got to the point where my kids get messages from them and they say to me( I don't want to reply as I'm hurt and know this is the best were going to get.... but why dad)36 year old man now broken hearted again and crying to his beloved wife(How can they treat them so differently) my sisters kids have hit grandma, shouted at her and been very spoilt brats around her. On the very few occasions they have my kids they always say(OMG your kids are so nice and polite and great with each other) So why on earth would they neglect them. My son is only 14 now and is a payed youtuber and has had poems published in books and is an all round bloody nice lad I'm so lucky to have. My daughters are 13 and 6 and havnt quite achieved great things yet but are very strong powerful young girls with great minds. So why on earth would grandparents not want to spend time with the kids who would be every grandparents favourites on the sly. This has lost me 1000s of hours of sleep, numerous anxiety attacks, crying whilst just driving to work,questioning if I'm a problem or my wife. No reasons to at all dislike us. So can anyone on hear tell me why grandparents would be so one sided its shocking and easy for a 6 year old to see. I need an answer or help of some sort to get my own life back to normal. And 8f this has happened to anyone else, how did you get it to be fair forever. Thanks in advance. David

[Jean in Newcastle]

8 years later.  really?

 

Zombie thread

David, it is best to start a new thread.