Jump to content

Menu

Maturing as a parent and regretting the past


NotSoObvious
 Share

Recommended Posts

I've changed a lot, as a parent, over the last six years- mostly for the better, I hope.

 

Sometimes I worry about all the mistakes I made. We had a less than perfect start. Our girls came to us at 4, so it's not like they were babies. They are going to have memories of the mistakes we made! ;)

 

Sigh. I just worry that I've already screwed them up. (ETA: They are absolutely great kids. I worry more about our relationship as time goes on. What will they hate me for later?)

 

Would any of you seasoned parents like to chime in? How did your parenting approaches change over time? Did your kids suffer terribly from your lack of know-how in the beginning?

 

I guess I'm just looking for a little perspective.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

All of us make mistakes in parenting. I think one of the most important things you can do as a parent is apologize when you know you messed something up. That lets the kid know it's about you, not about them. Kids are remarkably resilient--some are even resilient in the face of outright abuse, which I don't think you are talking about judging by the tone of your post.

Kids don't "hate their parents" for mistakes, but for overall long-term patterns of parental selfishness and lack of sensitivity to the needs of the kids whether that manifests in CPS type abuse or not.

 

If your kids were 4 at the time you got them, I would not unload your guilt on them. You could ask sometime if there is anything that you've done that they wish you would apologize for. Then you can do that. But don't dwell on it.

 

Focus on doing your best from here on out.

 

I would be pleased that they are great kids and that you have a good relationship. It sounds like you're thoughtful about what it takes to maintain that relationship. Keep building that relationship, loving them, giving them appropriate freedom, and apologizing when you mess up!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

(((hugs)))

 

My children are spread out over ten years. I made drastic changes in my parenting approach between my first and second child, which continued on until the place I am at currently.

 

I have admitted my mistakes to my oldest child, apologized and told her that I wish I had done things differently. She is now very forgiving and understanding about it, but she was resentful of the differences for quite some time. For what is it worth, she is now 17, is a great young lady with no terrible emotional scars and we have a very good, solid relationship.

 

Let go of the past, as Remudamom said. Press forward. Concentrating on past mistakes only leads to present mistakes. You're doing fine. :)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think I'm being emotional about it because we are considering adopting one more. I'd do things differently this time. I'd be a better mom. Our lives are different now and some of the stressors are removed.

I guess it makes me feel a little guilty that I'd somehow be better for a new child than I was for my girls.

 

I don't know. Just reflecting...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I guess it makes me feel a little guilty that I'd somehow be better for a new child than I was for my girls.

 

 

 

My oldest is only 9.5, so I may not qualify as a "seasoned mom" yet - but I can relate to how you're feeling, so I wanted to respond. :grouphug:

 

Instead of feeling guilty that you'd be a better mom for a new child, can you shift that to feel happy about it instead? Perspective is everything. Think about how far you've come and how much you've grown as a parent. Be happy about what that means - now - for your daughters, as well as possible future children.

 

That's how I'm choosing to deal with these thoughts when they come up. I can't change the past. I made many, many mistakes. Thinking about everything I could have done differently brings me to tears at times. Parenting a child on the autism spectrum who wasn't diagnosed until age 7.5 was not something I could have prepared for - we figured things out as we went along.

 

Aside from choosing to adopt a positive perspective, my other mantra is to live up to the knowledge I've attained. To me, that means that once I've learned something or I realize I should be doing something differently, I become accountable for making that happen. There's no excuse for continuing on *as is* at that point. But I will not beat myself up for things I simply didn't know. There was much I didn't know, and quite frankly could not have known, when my son was younger. I did the best I could with the knowledge I had at the time. I'm sure you did too. Be kind to yourself. :grouphug:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

 

 

My oldest is only 9.5, so I may not qualify as a "seasoned mom" yet - but I can relate to how you're feeling, so I wanted to respond. :grouphug:

 

Instead of feeling guilty that you'd be a better mom for a new child, can you shift that to feel happy about it instead? Perspective is everything. Think about how far you've come and how much you've grown as a parent. Be happy about what that means - now - for your daughters, as well as possible future children.

 

That's how I'm choosing to deal with these thoughts when they come up. I can't change the past. I made many, many mistakes. Thinking about everything I could have done differently brings me to tears at times. Parenting a child on the autism spectrum who wasn't diagnosed until age 7.5 was not something I could have prepared for - we figured things out as we went along.

 

Aside from choosing to adopt a positive perspective, my other mantra is to live up to the knowledge I've attained. To me, that means that once I've learned something or I realize I should be doing something differently, I become accountable for making that happen. There's no excuse for continuing on *as is* at that point. But I will not beat myself up for things I simply didn't know. There was much I didn't know, and quite frankly could not have known, when my son was younger. I did the best I could with the knowledge I had at the time. I'm sure you did too. Be kind to yourself. :grouphug:

 

 

Thank you, that's a great reminder. We are dealing with special needs, too, which adds an extra layer of guilt.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I was just feeling this same way. My oldest two had a very different childhood than my younger two. In some ways, they had it better and some ways the younger ones have it better. Overall, though, I think my younger two got the better deal.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

First of all, you can't live an authentic life without admitting some regrets. You do the best you can with what you know/have available. Secondly, if you are parenting older teens, understand that for mothers especially, these are the most difficult years, even if your children are easy-going, and not giving you trouble. Some women feel less valued by their children, and you don't always get the pays offs (hugs, kisses, "You're the best mommy in the world" etc.,) that you do with young children.

 

No matter how happy/decent/successful your kids are, you will always think there was more you could have/should have done. I agree about not dwelling in the past, or on real or perceived mistakes you can't change. Going forward and forging stronger bonds is better.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I recently told my 14yo dd that it is interesting to me how children want to think that their parents are perfect, but the reality is that parents are just really old teenagers who still struggle with many of the same things. We don't like doing chores any more than we used to, we would rather seek the path of least resistance every.single.time. We don't always want to eat what we should, go to bed when we should, get off of our electronics when we should. Sometimes, we are strong and mature enough to make the right choice. But many times we are not.

 

If your parents make mistakes, it is not because they are failed superhumans. It is because they are regular people, doing the best they can but occasionally failing. Sometimes failing a little bit, sometimes failing spectacularly. It usually has little to do with the child and lots to do with the parent. It's not usually personal. So please don't internalize what we do, help us where you can. Extend to us some grace and mercy, show a little understanding, turn a blind eye to a particularly obvious mistake, practice having a short memory of bad choices. And we will do likewise for you!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

As an adoptive parent, I will say that things ARE different. Adopting a 4 year old is very different than bringing home a 2 day old baby (I adopted 1 of mine at 7 1/2 years old and 1 came home at 2 days old). They likely needed different parenting and as time goes on you can change your parenting to meet what they need now.

 

We all have regrets and I see now how I could have done things a lot differently back then but I was doing the best I could and we all survived.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think my youngest has a MUCH better mum than her sister did.

But it was the elder who broke me in.

 

I wish I could redo lots with elder.

But I can't. I was forgiven and much loved.

 

It is our kids who teach us to be parents, so how can any of us get it right from the beginning?

Thankfully we can learn. Again and again and again.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I did more "fun" stuff with my oldest. I worked more individually with her, and I paid more attention to her accomplishments.

 

However, I was also more impatient and my expectations were too high for a small child.

 

My youngers have a much better mommy than my oldest did, but my oldest got "the best" of me because she was an only for over 4 years.

 

So yes, I do have regrets, but she also got some good stuff that my younger kids haven't.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think I'm being emotional about it because we are considering adopting one more. I'd do things differently this time. I'd be a better mom. Our lives are different now and some of the stressors are removed.

I guess it makes me feel a little guilty that I'd somehow be better for a new child than I was for my girls.

Good for you for learning from experience. That makes you a great mom. Also, welcome to a very large club. :)
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think it's normal. I'm just honest about it. Hey yeah I did things xyz way when you were younger. I was younger and dumber then. Now I'm older and less dumb ( ;p ) so I do it this way now. Most kids can figure out that's what life is about. I've told my teens, "hey remember you used to do or think ____? Geez that was pretty dumb to you NOW, right? Well you learned and now you're older you have a different perspective and do things differently."

 

I don't believe that my kids are the sum of my parenting. It's not all up to me to make them good or screwed up for life. They have free will. They have a father. At some point, they have to own the life they want for themselves. I contribute to it, but it's theirs to make what they will of it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

One thing that does bother me is that I started out parenting my oldest child one way, but by the time the youngest one came along, I was much more relaxed and different in my parenting style. But it has evened out I suppose. As for regretting, I feel that way about a lot of things in my past, not just parenting. It's just part of my growing up. :)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...