EXTREMELY Frustrated with DD....

[Live2Ride]

I will give a little backstory first.

 

We started allowing DD internet usage a couple of years ago. Computer is in a common room where we all are able to see. She posted a little on an art site forum. We have rules in place about, NO real names or personal information (and we covered what that was), NO instant chat unless you know them in real life and no giving out email addresses. We all shared a common email address that I didn't use as much, but monitored periodically.

 

Well, she broke the rules not too long afterwards by starting chats with someone (a girl it seems). She asked if they could be penpals. I did attempt to get the 'girl' to give my email address to her 'mother' so that she and I could chat. Of course excuse after excuse was made, but nothing came of it. At that point, I told her that 'she' would no longer be speaking to my child because I felt it was unsafe. DD broke the rules and was punished. We shut off those features and restricted her acesss though a web blocker service. We also monitored her more closely when she was able to get back on. She broke the rules again...giving out personal info after sneaking on-don't remember how it happened.

 

She went to her grandmothers and it was discussed that there would be NO computer while there. My mother agreed and we thought she was obeying...mom left her computer out and dd figured out the password...I found most of the online messaging those two nights in my inbox...mom and I were angry and she changed her password, shortly after Dd came home.

 

Still on punishment for breaking rules when she returns. Ds buys new computer and sometimes forgets to turn it off when not in use. She sneaks on after finding out password or when it was left on. Not sure. We take care of that and protect that computer with only one that we know...poor Ds has to ask to get on his own computer (not that he uses it an awful lot but still).

 

DD gets a 3DS for Christmas...I think nothing of it as I didn't know they had internet....

 

She seems to be doing well, so we start allowing computer priviledges back (early March). Mainly email to local friends, a drawing program she uses and her private blog that she posts her drawing and a few writings for our family and a few approved friends to see. I am monitoring everything at this point to make sure she is following the rules and not contacting this person as we felt it unsafe.

 

Well...she found out the password thanks to Ds and was taking his computer into her room late at night to chat with this person (even setting her alarm clock to get up-then later lying when I asked once why it was set to a late time in the evening...some excuse was made, but at this point we weren't believing anything so I started watching). We didn't know this yet, but she started getting sleepier and sleepier. She was never a morning person, but she was falling asleep all over the place all the time. We were really getting worried. So appts were made, docs seen, tests run and then we found out the week of the neurologist appt that she was getting on! We were furious to say the least.

 

Now we come to this week. Remember that 3Ds?!? We had removed it as a punishment for the lying and using it to play games when she was supposed to be doing schoolwork...atleast thats what we thought she was doing. NOPE. She had found it in our room when we were gone one day, then hidden it. She was really sick one a couple of weeks ago and dad decided to let her play a couple of times with it while she rested in bed. Well this week we found out that she'd hidden it. She had told us that it was 'lost' when I'd asked for it back when she was no longer sick. So she had cleaned her room on Sunday and still hadn't found it....Not true (we even looked around for it). She was moving it around so that we wouldn't find it. She was using it to get online. I didn't even realize it had that feature! Stupid me.

 

I was so angry and ashamed at what I read on that DS from their 'role playing' and the language she used is definitely NOT what we use in this home. Y'all it was like I was reading soft p@*n . I asked her to come into my bedroom and read it to me; of course she would not....

 

EVERYTHING has now been removed from her room. I am FED UP with the lying, the deceit, the sneakiness, the blatant disobedience and the constant rudeness towards me mainly, but also to everyone else. She can be downright nasty to me. I'm so saddened by it. I just don't know what to do. I've tried ignoring the constant badgering trying to get me to change my mind, the constant argueing. The meaness. I've tried not being confrontational and continue hugging her, loving her, saying nice things. She just throws them back into my face saying I don't mean it. We regularly get the 'y'all hate me and don't want me around' if she's in trouble and she'll start that as well as other rediculous things when she realizes that she's still going to have to do what we asked of her.

 

We are EXTREMELY frustrated about what to do. It's been a serious disobedience issue starting with the breaking of our internet safety rules and then continued sneakiness elsewhere to circumvent our discipline. It's now bordering on obsession and I don't know what else to do about it.

 

As of right now she can't go anywhere to anyones home without us. We are canceling her out of town activities because we can't trust that she'll make safe and right decisions. We're honestly afraid that she'll try to somehow meet up! Although she has always remarked that kids who do that are dumb, but she sees absolutely nothing wrong with what she is doing at this point (or atleast she acts like she sees nothing wrong).

 

She has seemingly no desire to change. She has never been a hard worker, unless it was a cat drawing for a friend or this online person. She has never really been motivated to do much. No real goals. If something is somewhat challenging...she just doens't want to work at it, unless it's finding ways to get to speak to this person.

 

So as I said, everything has been removed from her room. We have her whole day scheduled and are trying to get her to focus on her schoolwork, which this whole year has been like pulling teeth out with a pair of pliers! She has caused such a problem with doing her work and treating me so poorly, that her father has had enough and wants her off to school because he does not like seeing me so stressed out. Of course that may fix NOTHING and make it worse or it may work...who knows. She does not want to go of course, but is not making a real effort in her work or attitude to show that she wants to remain home.

 

Anyways...I'm at a loss...maybe some of you wise ladies/lads can help....I'm sure we're messing it all up, but I just can't figure it out. Maybe a volunteer spot with the local police force for missing and exploited kids? I don't know....

 

Thanks

[lmrich]

How old is she?

I am so sorry that you are going through this. It is heartbreaking when our kids make such bad decisions. Hugs!!

[Heartsjoy]

Collaborative Problem Solving website helped me break down some problem solving strategies with one child whose world was crashing and wasn't able to do more than throw similar tantrums.

 

I had to realize that working on their problem solving skills was more important than academics, getting supper on time, and any extra currics. We slowed our whole family down. We scaled back school and even house hold rules back 50-60% for this child, until we could get a steady pattern of success in problem solving, attitude, and most importantly the confidence that problems could be solved. For us it was better to travel at 5 mph than to have nuclear meltdown.

 

Hugs and hugs, It is the most difficult part our journey so far to have to change day to day strategy in the midst of a crisis.

[Tammi K]

Hugs! I hope you find a solution. How frustrating for you and DH. In the meantime, remember, you can turn off your internet router during 'down times' so no one can access the internet!

[bzymom]

Does your police dept have anyone who handles Internet crime? If so, perhaps a meeting so she can hear from another authority just how dangerous her behavior is. Create a password only you and dad know, and password everything. It will be a pain, but you are trying to make access as difficult as possible. I have even turned off the Internet for the whole house at nite when we had some issues here.

 

Continually breaking the house rules is the bigger problem, of course. I would be looking at creating a verrrry busy and barebones existence for her wherein she must earn every.single.pleasure in her life, and it would be a long, long time before she would be permitted anywhere she was not under mom or dad's direct supervision.

 

I am sorry she is falling into this behavior. It is so stressful for all around her.

[amo_mea_filiis.]

I unplugged the house modem for a while and will be doing so again soon.

 

Dd has been much better (same problems of not sleeping, sneaking, etc).

[Trish]

I'm not one to suggest counseling at every turn, but somehow it sounds like she's gotten in deep pretty fast in terms of the obsessive behavior, and that seems to be driving everything else. I'd want some help from a professional on this one. Things seem to be deeply seated, rather than she got caught breaking rules and now she's remorseful. The extra steps she takes to get around the rules and find SOME way to do the forbidden behavior is troubling to me. Wish I had more to offer. {{hugs}}

[Lisbeth]

How old is she?

[Twinmom]

My DD13 has been up to some similar antics lately...I'm so sorry! I do know how hard it is, particularly when your kiddo is very creative about finding ways to get online!

 

It's not a perfect solution, but DH the software guy suggests that you put BeSecure or a similar program on your system so that any device that logs on within your home can have age appropriate filters applied and can be searched for its history without needing the device in hand. You can block whatever social media that you like across the whole home. You also need to look to see if there is any unsecured wifi available within range of your home and/or if she gets past a password. None of this will help outside the house, but at least you don't have to worry when she is at home. At our home we cannot disconnect the router as DH works from home, but I'd do it if I could.

 

As for us, DD is allowed zero access to anything that can get online. The house phone has been removed and we are parental, secured cell phones only. Only DS allowed in the house is one that is old school with no Internet access. DD is not allowed to go anywhere where there is Internet access without one of us with her. We have some major safety issues with the online activity, thus the lockdown.

 

Punishment is self explanatory here, but she is also now in counseling.

[lllll]

..

[Lisa R.]

How many friends does she have in real life? It sounds like she is craving friendship and social connections. If kids don't have a solid set of friends, they often seek them any way they can--even in unhealthy ways.

 

I think that most kids with a full and healthy social group don't seek online friendships as much.

 

Also, I think when parents remove everything fun or enjoyable from a kid's life, one reaction is even less motivation to be good. Why try? What's the point? There is nothing to look forward to.

 

I understand you feel very betrayed as a parent. While it is hard, I'd look for ways to connect with her. It seems like you may be actually doing things to alienate her. From a girl that could be craving connections, this could be the wrong approach.

 

Just some thoughts. I'm very sorry your family is dealing with all this. It sounds stressful for all of you.

[albeto]

This sounds a little like my son. Not too much, but some similar history. In our son's case, it was a matter of not understanding the cause/effect aspect of what the potentials were. I don't just mean the cause/effect of online predators (he couldn't imagine it so it was not included in his plans), but also the cause/effect of betraying trust. I ended up spending many, many hours with him explaining to me what his thought process was. Not all at once, mind you, and we still do this. What I mean to suggest is that rather than focusing on punishment as a means of changing her behavior, I would encourage you to focus on her reasons. If she can express to you what her goals are, you can either help her see how to reach those goals appropriately (like, talk about art with people who are interested and knowledgeable), or help her see how those goals aren't practical or possible. Then help her problem solve that. I do believe behavioral conditioning is helpful, but if the thinking process is off kilter, then punishment won't feel like much more than you being a bully because you have what she wants and are denying her. Does that make sense? That's why allowing her to explain to you what she wants, and helping her get it (within the safety parameters you are comfortable setting), might help with this because you'll be her partner, her mentor, rather than her obstacle.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Sending her to school will be putting her in a situation where she will be able to borrow people's devices with internet access and will be able to still engage with this person.

[Twinmom]

If it helps, our therapist says that it is common for kids in this age group to do this sort of thing...as well as to go further online in terms of what they will talk about/show than they would in person. Part of the experimental nature of social relationships at this age. Not to trivialize things at all, but just to put it in perspective...your DD is not the only one! ;). It is tough to be a parent in the Internet age!

 

In our therapy, we are focusing on learning to build REAL relationships, why they are superior to online ones (sorry, gals!), how to develop the social skills necessary to build those relationships and how to be safe both online and in person. That includes building honesty in your relationship with your parents! She helps us set appropriate consequences without going overboard and encouraging more rebellion, as well as helps us identify and implement situations and locations where DD can learn socially acceptable behavior in a safe environment.

 

It's been great! She's still a sneaky little thing, but at least she gets why we are limiting her access and is cooperating in building her own social skills.

[Chris in VA]

I'm sorry you have to deal with this. My advice would be to get help at family counseling. You and dh go once a week, your dd goes once a week, and you go together once a week until you all learn how to interact in a way that is peaceful, honest, and healthy. Don't give up too soon.

[Live2Ride]

To address a few comments :)

 

I've tried doing fun things with her on a consistent basis...unless I'm dropping her off somewhere, she really doesnt want to spend time with me. We've done family things, we've done things she says she wants to and then she complains, she prefers to not call her local friends or have them over or go over, in leiu of thinking/talking/drawing stuff for that person (though she likes talking to them when they call, but uses the excuse that she doesn't like to call anyone to talk)... i've been taking her with me on recent horse rides, she likes to ride, but she ends up finding someone else to ride along with. I do not complain, but try to still talk and laugh with her when i can. She doesnt give me too much attitude on our rides and was very helpful on one of them; we had a great time at that one. But that is a rare occurance.

 

She knows her responsibilities yet every single day she complains in some way about what she has to do...its rediculous. We've listened but then explained that she still has responsibilities like we all do. We've ignored and reminded her that she still has to finish....she still complains because she is that kind of kid it seems...

 

[Cinder]

:grouphug: No advice, but I do hope your family is able to work through this.

[J-rap]

I'm so very sorry you're going through this. It certainly sounds like you have been doing everything right. To start, I think I would turn off your internet altogether. Not just certain hours, but cancel it. Period. Unless you have a job dependent on the internet, you can do without it for a month or two.

 

But of course the problem goes deeper than that, and I think Chris's suggestion of family counseling is a really good one. You and your husband together, then your daughter alone, and then all three of you. Sometimes a pair of outside eyes, and someone who knows how to break down problems into their parts can be extremely helpful.

 

With the internet gone and counseling in place, then you can perhaps feel more relaxed about allowing some "fun" things back into your daughter's life. I mean, if you take away absolutely everything fun, it could backfire.

 

Anyway, those are just some thoughts, I'm no expert. Sounds like you are such a caring and wonderful mother!

[Live2Ride]

And yes, we know putting her in school at this point wont really help her....i dont feel its the answer. Oh and goals...we've asked her to list a few goals in various areas of her life and that we'd love to talk with her about them....it was met with many "i don't have any or I cant think of any". The other day she did write some down and they were good and reasonable. Then the crud hit the fan after we found she was still getting online so we havent really talked about them yet...

[mamakelly]

We have Safe Eyes, an internet filter on our computer. I think you can block chat features completely. I know that won't help with other places, but it would help at home.

[Live2Ride]

She has fun stuff outdoors, she can have friends over, 4h gatherings, art supplies, .but wants no part of any of it...although i think she still wants to ride with me, but shedoes have a couple of friends that are normally along as well...

[Dory]

I was one of those kids. Is there any way you could eliminate those extra friends that usually go riding with you? having that one thing that is still nice to do together that she even somewhat enjoys, might help in the long run. It keeps that emotional thread there that keeps pulling a kid back when they pull away.

I'd turn the modem off at night too. Perhaps have her a make a list of what she thinks she should be expected to be doing during her day. Volunteering at a shelter or something like that might not be a bad idea. Let her see where life can take you when you make poor decisions.

[Anne in CA]

Honestly, as you can see from other posters, these are not uncommon problems. I have had the internet gaming problem with my son, and it breaks my heart that he *knows* that he needs to study for his future, but internet games are always first. His internet friends are addictive, like the situation with your dd, he prefers them to real people, and it is mind boggling to me.

 

My older dd is a "complainer", so I get your frustration with that too, I had to tune her out over time. One thing that has worked with her as an adult, and might have worked as a teen is simply this, "I'm only interesting in what you have done or are doing. Future plans made to string me along while you waste your life are meaningless to me."

 

When she realized that her father and I really would not invest in anymore "future" plans, she spun her wheels for awhile and then went to Bible school on her own. I did not think the Bible school was a good idea for someone who hates to read and discuss books, but she is doing really well at it, and ... it is her OWN. She borrowed the money to go, we did not pay for it or cosign loans, and she is doing well.

 

Some of the problem you are having may be that this child does not want you to run her life or help her, but she will use your help to gain space to do what she wants to do, and right now all she wants to do is what you don't want her to. Her life is no bigger than that. She is a teen after all, teens do not have a fully developed brain, they cannot be reasoned with the way you can reason with most grown adults.

[Catwoman]

I was so angry and ashamed at what I read on that DS from their 'role playing' and the language she used is definitely NOT what we use in this home. Y'all it was like I was reading soft p@*n . I asked her to come into my bedroom and read it to me; of course she would not....

 

 

She's doing online s*xual role-playing with someone she believes is another girl her age? :confused:

 

I would want to know exactly who that other person is, and if the conversations are s*xual or even suggestive, I think it might be worth asking your local police if they think there is a predator at work here.

 

It almost seems as though your dd has been groomed and brainwashed by this other person, as her behavior seems quite unusual and obsessive. She seems incredibly desperate to communicate with this "friend," and quite honestly, I would be very worried that this other "teenage girl" is actually some perverted man in his 50's, looking for a victim.

 

I think you should do everything you can to find out the identity of the other person.

[Ellie]

:grouphug:

 

A friend of mine was having similar issues with her dd, and this is what she did: Her daughter was never out of her sight, or the father's sight, or a trusted older sibling's sight (except for bathroom visits, of course). They spent all day long together; the daughter slept on a cot next to the mother's bed; they ate meals together, they sat on the sofa together...and it was agony for both of them at first. I forget how long this went on, but it was several months. My friend ignored the attitude and the bad language and all that. Eventually, her daughter softened, and she became the daughter they had all missed. My friend and her daughter both say they were glad they did it, even though it was so hard in the beginning.

 

I don't know if *I* could do that, but if I had tried everything else, I might try it.

[Aelwydd]

How old is your daughter?

[Rebecca VA]

Yes, I think you should track down your daughter's "friend" immediately. Where is "she" from? I would have the police or a private investigator find out the person's identity and location.

 

I remember your post from last week(?) in which you described how tired your daughter was, how she wasn't getting enough sleep, how you were frantic to find what was wrong...you probably feel like a fool now, knowing that you were tricked. I would be very angry if I were you.

 

Your daughter's friend might not necessarily be a middle-aged man -- possibly it could be another girl, or a boy, who just wants to be "nasty" with an online friend. Still, you must unmask who he or she is. That's the scary thing about the internet -- you just don't know who is behind the other screen.

[Live2Ride]

Rebecca- thats it, i am very angry about it. I now see that this seemingly was the whole reason she was tired and though shes never had a great sleep pattern, i think this was the main issue. She was never really getting sleep.

 

As for finding out who this person is, i do think that she is who she says she is as weird as it seems. Supposedly there have been a coulple of video chats (unbeknownst to me at the time) and live chatting that Dd has said shes sseen the younger sister there and heard both sisters laughing. I plan to take Ds and my computer to my friend who works for the police here and see what they find....

[Lisbeth]

 

 

She's doing online s*xual role-playing with someone she believes is another girl her age? :confused:

 

I would want to know exactly who that other person is, and if the conversations are s*xual or even suggestive, I think it might be worth asking your local police if they think there is a predator at work here.

 

It almost seems as though your dd has been groomed and brainwashed by this other person, as her behavior seems quite unusual and obsessive. She seems incredibly desperate to communicate with this "friend," and quite honestly, I would be very worried that this other "teenage girl" is actually some perverted man in his 50's, looking for a victim.

 

I think you should do everything you can to find out the identity of the other person.

 

This. Because this other person likely already knows your address, etc.

[ktgrok]

She has fun stuff outdoors, she can have friends over, 4h gatherings, art supplies, .but wants no part of any of it...although i think she still wants to ride with me, but shedoes have a couple of friends that are normally along as well...

 

 

Is she an introvert? Shy at all? In person friendships can be very intimidating, whereas an online friendship feels safe. I'd not wait for her to initiate stuff with friends, I'd just arrange it and see if she has fun.

 

Also, she sounds depressed. Depression in teens is pretty common, and you are listing all the warning signs. Loss of interest in friends, loss of interest in things she used to find pleasure in, obsession over one person, anger...(depression in teens/kids often looks like anger, not sadness). I'd have her see a counselor ASAP.

 

Also, can you try to find out more about this online "friend"? Maybe vet this person and if it isn't really a young girl that might help your daughter see that you really are looking out for her.

[Live2Ride]

 

Is she an introvert? Shy at all? In person friendships can be very intimidating, whereas an online friendship feels safe. I'd not wait for her to initiate stuff with friends, I'd just arrange it and see if she has fun.

 

Also, she sounds depressed. Depression in teens is pretty common, and you are listing all the warning signs. Loss of interest in friends, loss of interest in things she used to find pleasure in, obsession over one person, anger...(depression in teens/kids often looks like anger, not sadness). I'd have her see a counselor ASAP.

 

Also, can you try to find out more about this online "friend"? Maybe vet this person and if it isn't really a young girl that might help your daughter see that you really are looking out for her.

 

She always has a good time doing things. She's never been one to want to do anything anyways...she's never really had initiative...we are looking into all possibilities. I've tried to find out more about this person. They made excuses for why I couldn't contact the parent to help find out more or why they wouldn't give me more info, but DD 'knows' a bit. Sounds all fishy really...keep the parent in the dark, but tell the kid all sorts of things. Not any more. My Dd will believe what she wants and will argue her point to no end...

[bettyandbob]

I now see that this seemingly was the whole reason she was tired and though shes never had a great sleep pattern, i think this was the main issue. She was never really getting sleep.

 

Are you saying she never had a good sleep pattern ever. or is the sleep pattern tied to the beginning of the computer issue.

 

I have a dc who has both computer use issues and sleep issues. The sleep issues got worse with the computer issues, but looking back the sleep issues have been a whole life problem. This dc had a mix of many things going on, so sleep never hit as high priority as it might have needed. I wish I'd pursued the sleep problem. I think if we'd dealt with sleep some of our other issues might not have been as problematic. The thing is I realize now that sleep was so difficult that I think the dc decided it was pointless to follow a regular pattern because following a regular pattern to get sleep was pointless. So, not getting sleep led to looking for things to do at night like the computer, which further interfered with sleep and may have started an addiction.

 

Anyway, if sleep was a problem before, I would not place all the problems with sleep on the computer now. You may need to work on both issues.

[Live2Ride]

We are still checking out the sleep issues. She is on a no daytime naps and 10 hours max of sleep a night. It seems to be helping, plus there is no reason to get up...she cant do anything if she does. She also has an overnight and daytime sleep study scheduled.

 

Thank you all for your ideas and suggestions. Dh and I are discussing them....

[unsinkable]

((((CountryGirl)))

 

I am sorry. I wish there was more I could say.

 

Is there any older person from your ward she is close to? Or would that be uncomfortable for you?

 

As for the writing and role playing...she is at an age where kids explore/figure out sexual!ty. You've got good advice about finding out who the other girl really is...but there is a chance she might be another girl who is at the exploring stage, too.

 

I went to an all girls Catholic school and there were always conversations about all topics regarding sex, sexuality, our bodies, boys' bodies, etc.

[Kim in Appalachia]

:grouphug:

 

 

I just wanted to say, that I think you are handling the whole thing so well. It's a difficult situation, so hard to navigate! This is something I worry about a lot with my kids. I think you are doing a good job. So, I have no words of wisdom, just a :grouphug: .

[Live2Ride]

Thanks Kim and Unsinkable..l think what bothers me most is that she seems to have no problems lying to such an extent and coming up with ways to deceive....that hurts my mommy heart.

[Guest submarines]

Thanks Kim and Unsinkable..l think what bothers me most is that she seems to have no problems lying to such an extent and coming up with ways to deceive....that hurts my mommy heart.

 

:grouphug: If this is new, and there are no other "issues" I'd suspect she's being manipulated by the "girl."

[butterflymommy]

How old is your DD? I assume from your sig 14 or 15? I think you need to find out the identity of this online friend and if he is an adult, and their interaction was sexual in nature, he should be charged. Also assume that they did exchange identifying information and that he knows where she lives. I would keep her off any kind of internet access or text/ phone that you can't supervise directly and in real time.

[Live2Ride]

No its not really new, shes always been a somewhat sneaky and calculating... but it has been stepped up with this computer issue.

[Ellie]

Thanks Kim and Unsinkable..l think what bothers me most is that she seems to have no problems lying to such an extent and coming up with ways to deceive....that hurts my mommy heart.

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[Live2Ride]

How old is your DD? I assume from your sig 14 or 15? I think you need to find out the identity of this online friend and if he is an adult, and their interaction was sexual in nature, he should be charged. Also assume that they did exchange identifying information and that he knows where she lives. I would keep her off any kind of internet access or text/ phone that you can't supervise directly and in real time.

 

My kids dont have their own phones...no need and ours are passworded...all computers are on lock down and internet off unless Dh and i are using it She goes no where without Dh or I especially if the possibility for access is there....

[unsinkable]

Thanks Kim and Unsinkable..l think what bothers me most is that she seems to have no problems lying to such an extent and coming up with ways to deceive....that hurts my mommy heart.

 

(((Hugs)))

 

I always say this is the kind of pain they should show you when you are pregnant, not the pain of labor.

[Joanne]

I think, perhaps, you've flipped flopped the order of issues. {{{{hugs}}}}

 

I would not focus on the lying, disobedience, sneakiness. They emerge from the foundational/primary problem which sounds like a process (behavioral) addiction. Frame this as a process (behavioral) addiction and treat THAT - the behavior related to the addiction will decrease.

 

For kids prone to screen/internet addiction, I believe in total abstinence. This morphing into porn issues is likely because having one process addiction is a correlating factor in having another.

 

You've been very diligent and engaged and proactive. The drive behind addictive behavior is insidious. {{more hugs}}

[albeto]

And yes, we know putting her in school at this point wont really help her....i dont feel its the answer. Oh and goals...we've asked her to list a few goals in various areas of her life and that we'd love to talk with her about them....it was met with many "i don't have any or I cant think of any". The other day she did write some down and they were good and reasonable. Then the crud hit the fan after we found she was still getting online so we havent really talked about them yet...

 

That's a big question, what's your goal in life. I'd maybe bring it down. Ask her what does she want to get out of her computer time. When she sneaks onto the internet, what's her goal there. What is the problem she sees, how does sneaking access solve that problem?

[Live2Ride]

I think, perhaps, you've flipped flopped the order of issues. {{{{hugs}}}}

 

I would not focus on the lying, disobedience, sneakiness. They emerge from the foundational/primary problem which sounds like a process (behavioral) addiction. Frame this as a process (behavioral) addiction and treat THAT - the behavior related to the addiction will decrease.

 

For kids prone to screen/internet addiction, I believe in total abstinence. This morphing into porn issues is likely because having one process addiction is a correlating factor in having another.

 

You've been very diligent and engaged and proactive. The drive behind addictive behavior is insidious. {{more hugs}}

 

Thanks Joanne for your perspective; I appreciate it.

 

I'm trying to focus now on having her with me and building up our relationship...no matter how she balks at it and she is surely trying to...but it's okay. I will not argue, I will listen, but I will also remind her that this is what it is...she's already tried to persuade me to do things 'by herself' and with the 'it's not fair' routine...

 

We discussed the behaviors that we expect as parents and that we have towards each other as a family. We also discussed the safety issues with the online behavior when it happened (each and every time). I try not to reiterate our expectations, or the situation that her choices led to, except when she brings it up. I know that she understands ultimately what is right, but can't seem to break herself of it. So we will help her to do so. We are also looking into some fun art classes for her and I so that she doesn't feel like she has nothing to do. I've asked her to make me a caricature of our cats here at home (she's good at drawing cats) and that I would like to be able to frame it. She actually perked up about it and smiled. We had recently bought her some paint supplies so I hope she'll do it. We want to put it on the wall :)

[Live2Ride]

 

That's a big question, what's your goal in life. I'd maybe bring it down. Ask her what does she want to get out of her computer time. When she sneaks onto the internet, what's her goal there. What is the problem she sees, how does sneaking access solve that problem?

 

We will be doing this together when we have some time alone. She and I are heading to the store later this afternoon and then she'll help me do some training with the horses. We'll be able to chat a bit then.

[Mama Geek]

:grouphug:

[AK_Mom4]

I will second the recommendation for BSecure -you can run the Whole Home piece and filter/monitor other connections like the DS3 or an ipod. You can also set your son's computer so it cannot be used to access the internet at night.

 

If the sneaking is bad, I would recommend that you also consider powering off the router at night and putting a key-only padlock on the door to the room that has the router. Make it physically impossible for her to sneak in and turn it back on. Otherwise it is just a matter of time before she finds a device and is back on the internet at night.

 

I know personally of a family that went through this same problem - chatting online, sneaking access at night. But in their case, the daughter told her sister that her "friend" had sent her an airplane ticket and the sister told the mom. Turns out that the "13yo girl" the daughter had friended was a 50+yo guy in another state. I was glad to read that you are taking your laptops to the police. It took the better part of a year before the family recovered and I know they all went through counseling because even after the online "friend" was exposed, the daughter refused to admit there was anything wrong. The mom had to install a security system too that triggered if a door or window was opened (worried about the daughter running away, not someone breaking in).

 

Best wishes for you - I know this is a tough time and I will be thinking good thoughts and praying for your family.

[Joanne]

Thanks Joanne for your perspective; I appreciate it.

 

I'm trying to focus now on having her with me and building up our relationship...no matter how she balks at it and she is surely trying to...but it's okay. I will not argue, I will listen, but I will also remind her that this is what it is...she's already tried to persuade me to do things 'by herself' and with the 'it's not fair' routine...

 

 

If you ever want to frame it as an addiction, and want to help her understand her she was predisposed, the function of computer addiction on her brain, the changes that the addiction makes and how the behavior gets driven by those changes, let me know.

 

Your paragraphy 2 is more excellent parenting.

[Live2Ride]

If you ever want to frame it as an addiction, and want to help her understand her she was predisposed, the function of computer addiction on her brain, the changes that the addiction makes and how the behavior gets driven by those changes, let me know.

 

Your paragraphy 2 is more excellent parenting.

 

Thank you. Please pm me; I'd be interested to understand so that she and i can hopefully work through what she is feeling and what she needs to recognize about the situation (without my mommy freakout mode coming into play ;) ).