Adding another child

[xixstar]

How has your family addressed discussions and disagreements on adding or having another child? How have you moved toward or not felt stuck when one wants more but the other does not?

 

ETA: Bonus if you're not a religious family. :)

 

Especially when just letting it be or choosing to pray either the desire will pass or a mind will change is so hard to do. (this approach being tried by one member in a mostly non-religious household)

[Whereneverever]

:grouphug:

[Melissa in Australia]

:grouphug:

[gardenmom5]

we have couple prayers as well as individual. how about both of you praying together, to know what God wants for your family, and that both of you can be supportive of that? I would think that would be something both could agree to.

 

I do know one couple where the wife was quite vocal about her position. she was adament she only wanted one more pregnancy, but her husband kept saying he felt strongly they were supposed to have two more. she had identical twins.

[Trish]

It must be hard to have such a fundamental disagreement. Prayer would be key for me. This is one of those issues that as Catholics we don't have conflict over because it's in God's hands.

[MercyA]

I believe and do my best to practice 1 Peter 3:1-6 and Ephesians 5:22-24. My husband values and considers my thoughts and feelings, but the final decision is his. I find peace and rest in that.

 

Big :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: .

 

(I don't wish to start a debate; just offering my personal input. Peace to all.)

[Orthodox6]

:grouphug: My completely honest response is that I cannot fathom this situation. Prior to marriage, dh and I knew that we were in complete agreement about this topic. It was not a subject which we could postpone until later. So I'll offer another sincere :grouphug: and my prayers that you find resolution that maintains harmony among all parties .

[Aspasia]

My dh and I have had this issue, too. We don't pray together. That's just not our thing. We just talk and talk, each making their points, until we figure it out. There's also a lot of...waiting.

 

I think this is a really tough question because there are degrees of wanting and not wanting another child. In our case, I really, really want one more. Dh doesn't prefer it and wouldn't have another if it were just up to him, but he isn't strongly opposed to it. Recently, he told me that he's been thinking about it a lot and he really would like another. Granted, he wouldn't have thought about it enough to get to that point if I hadn't really wanted it, but we're kind of on the same page at this point.

 

If dh were strongly, strongly opposed, I would have to make my peace with that. Unfortunately, I do think that in cases like this, if spouses aren't able to agree entirely, it is probably best for the spouse who wants more to yield to the spouse who is done. It just doesn't seem right to coerce someone to have a child when they would rather not.

 

However, people definitely change their minds. A year, or even six months ago, I really thought dh would never get on board with another. But he has a hard time seeing beyond our immediate reality. So for him, having another baby looked like having two babies and a toddler all at once, since dd was only a few months old and ds was still in the throws of 2-year-old-ness. Now that dd is older and almost walking, it doesn't seem quite so overwhelming to him. Our ds has also matured a lot in the last few months (potty training and other things). I think dh was feeling like we would be a house of forever babies. But these developmental changes in our kids have helped him see that they do become easier to care for--and pretty quickly.

 

And hey, there's nothing wrong with pointing out all the benefits of adding another. Like I said, dh's big hang-up is that he has a really hard time seeing beyond right now. But right now is so short. When I point that out to him and project even five or ten years into the future, it's easier for him to see the benefit.

 

Anyway, good luck to you and your dh. This is such a hard issue to deal with. It's heartbreaking for one spouse and really stressful for the other.

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

:grouphug: My completely honest response is that I cannot fathom this situation. Prior to marriage, dh and I knew that we were in complete agreement about this topic. It was not a subject which we could postpone until later. So I'll offer another sincere :grouphug: and my prayers that you find resolution that maintains harmony among all parties .

 

The problem with this perspective is that reality can sometimes change a person's thoughts on the subject (well, any subject, really!). Before we married, DH was of the "as many as God chooses to give us" mindset. Now, after two kids, he is of the "two is just right, and a vasectomy sounds like a good idea" mindset. I, on the other hand, was an only child and thought one kid sounded great, and now I wouldn't mind another baby or two *sigh* Our feelings on lots of the things we discussed carefully and thought we knew for sure have changed over time. I surely never envisioned myself as a SAH, HSing mom wishing for a hobby farm :lol:

 

xixstar, I don't have an answer either, only more :grouphug: . It's definitely not easy. I was resentful for awhile, but as the girls have grown, I've begun to appreciate more of the positive aspects of life with older children, and that has helped a lot. I still have days where I yearn for another baby in my arms, but they are growing fewer each year.

 

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[Kathryn]

If one says no, then the answer is no.

[Orthodox6]

The problem with this perspective is that reality can sometimes change a person's thoughts on the subject (well, any subject, really!). Before we married, DH was of the "as many as God chooses to give us" mindset. Now, after two kids, he is of the "two is just right, and a vasectomy sounds like a good idea" mindset. I, on the other hand, was an only child and thought one kid sounded great, and now I wouldn't mind another baby or two *sigh* Our feelings on lots of the things we discussed carefully and thought we knew for sure have changed over time. I surely never envisioned myself as a SAH, HSing mom wishing for a hobby farm :lol:

 

Yours is a good rejoinder, and would hold for some/many families.

 

In our case, any change [about family planning] on the part of a spouse would relate to a shift in our voluntary embracing of the life of the [Orthodox] Church, and any such shift would signal a far deeper problem in the marriage. An "objective" outsider would not care for much of what we have been dealt through the years. I'm glad that dh and I have maintained unanimity on the "big issues". . . . but this digresses from OP's question. . .

[AmyontheFarm]

After we had four, I felt overwhelmed and told hubby I wanted to get my tubes tied. He agreed. I regretted the decision 2 years later. If one spouse decides that they don't want any more right now, then just wait, be diligent with birth protection if you make the choice to use it, and don't make any decisions that are completely final for many years. Because things change, children grow older and you start to get your energy back and sometimes you end up changing your mind.

[Lucy]

I agree with the other poster - don't rush into permanent bc. Wait a few years and make reeeeealy sure. I have many, many friends who have regretted permanent bc - men and women. I had my tubes tied due to a uterine rupture delivery, so I had little choice in the matter. We've since adopted 2 so it all worked out. (Just a side note: my tubal really messed up my hormones and gave me migraines for two weeks out of every month for years until I found a preventative med. Just a PSA for anyone considering it - google lots!)

 

We are Christianss (and obviously pray about things) but the process we go through when deciding to have another child is pretty universal. We talk. And talk. And talk. And wait until we are in agreement. With this last child, I brought it up - hubby said he was done. I mentioned it on rare occasion and then accepted we were done bc he really felt it. Then, he brought it up and was all gung-ho about it - but I had changed! I felt done! It took about 1-2 years for us to both finally be in the same place and jump into the adoption process. This had given us bigger spaces between children than we would have planned, but if it hadn't been that timing, it wouldn't have been the kids we have!

 

I feel agreement is necissary for a peaceful home - jmho. If there is disagreement, someone eventually has to humble themselves and accept the other person's heart desire. I hope you find peace and agreement with one another. ((huggs))

[kroe1]

In my culture, the woman rules on this one for the most part.

[xixstar]

Thank you for the feedback. I'm working to be patient and understanding about this but it's hard at the same time. While we did discuss how many children when preparing to marry, me being very vocal about having seven, I don't fault him for changing expectations once reality of life with children arrived.

 

He is a great father and provider and, honestly, we have struggled the last few years with having two closely spaced children. A year ago, I was giving away all the baby stuff, certain that we'd never have more. But then my feelings were based on how overwhelmed I was and we were and how much I was struggling at the time. But improvements have been made, the children are getting older, and life is just falling into place more and more. So before, when I just felt insane for wanting more despite being so overwhelmed with the two I had, now I just feel excited about more and more prepared to add more without being as overwhelmed again. Plus feeling like the extra years spacing will make it far more manageable as well.

 

But still, dh seems to struggle with the work and expectations of children and life in general. There are many really good reasons for us to not have more. But then I also think of a lifetime of joy from having more and it's a difficult position. I'm working on just being okay with the idea as there are many benefits to not adding any more. Watching the littles grow older and doing more and knowing we could give far more opportunities to them compared to adding another one and also just how much we really enjoy the girls now as well. And he is a very committed and involved father, but with obligations at work and household tasks and an old house that is falling apart faster than time/resources to fix, I totally understand the reluctance to add another person that would place more obligations on that time he feels so short of.

 

Permanent measures will never be on the table, neither of us are comfortable with that idea. And instead it's a life time of natural family planning for birth control. But I also balk at thinking of how many years of fertility remaining and the amplified emotions and wishing that comes mid-cycle as well - feels like it could be a very long time of wishing for something if I don't either completely lay down this concern or dh changes his mind.

 

But thank you, your words have helped.

[Pod's mum]

I very much wanted lots but former spouse didn't want any and we had one. He was also unwilling to have another with that child's genetic condition.

So many years of...stall...

Eventually I put it onto him. It was up to him to 'prevent' and he knew I wanted another and I would NOT test again.

A year later I was pregnant with this dd. However my excitment was tinged with a bit of trepidation at how he would take it.

Was fine.

As a bonus, she's a carrier, but does not have the condition.

 

So if you've got more fertile years, then there's time for reassessment. It can sit for a while.

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

If one says no, then the answer is no.

 

 

Hard truth. But this is how it is in our house. One of us wants more the other doesn't. So we only have two.

[AnIslandGirl]

I always dreamed I'd have an even dozen... but then life happens. My dh is much older than me and has 2 wonderful sons (26 & 24) from his first marriage and we have dd9. He said "I'm done with 3" and he meant it. Once our oldest had his first baby, I just knew that I couldn't have any more children when they would be younger than their own niece and nephew. At first I couldn't imagine my world without lots little ones around, but as I slowly warmed up to the idea, I realized just how great we have it. There really are some advantages to smaller families. We absolutely spoil our dd9 and now our grandchildren as well (completely our own decision), we can take wonderful family vacations and don't have to worry who will sit next to who on the plane or who has to share a room, we can drive cute cars, we can focus on individual wants as far as extracurriculars go without having to compromise... the list goes on and on.

"The happiest people may not have the best of everything, but they make the best of everything they have". I've come to take this quote and live it every day.

Good luck on your decision process. :grouphug:

[Guest]

This is the case in our household. It sucks. I often resent my dh about it and I resent God. Not a pretty picture, but there it is. I feel as though God led me to want a large family and then made it not come to pass. I prayed to lose the desire. I distracted myself with the benefits of not having more babies/little ones. I even bought a very nice automobile that I would not have bought if I knew I would have more kids, trying to enjoy the benefits of having what is, in my eyes, a small family. But my distractions and prayers have changed nothing and I would rather have a couple more kids to raise than the nicest car in the world. Now I am pretty much too old and the window, while not technically closed, is pretty much closed.

 

I wish I knew how to be okay with it, but I don't. I envy people when they say, "When we had our ____ child, we knew our family was complete." I don't understand what that then means if that sense of completion never arrives.

 

:grouphug: I try to console myself by reminding myself that there are worse problems in the world, but I still fantasize and daydream every single day about having at least one more daughter.

[Melissa in Australia]

when we were going to get married DH told me he wanted 4 I told him I only wanted 2. HE was so adamant about wanting 4. HE begged me that if both were the same sex we would go and have 3 :laugh: . I told him sure no problem. W got married and had 2 planned pregnancies, then 2 more pill failures, then one more after I had my tubes tied. So we ended up with 5. Funny thing is that after I had number 5 I all of a sudden wanted to have heaps more.... too late now :crying: I never realized how baby crazy my Dh is. He get clucky every time he sees a baby / small toddler.

[xixstar]

So if you've got more fertile years, then there's time for reassessment. It can sit for a while.

 

While this is certainly true and any real argument I make against it is fueled by my motivation, I feel we have a shorter window for anything intentional. Since I've already done the 13 year gap between children, I'm not willing to go that road again. We're already looking at a 4 year gap which feels spacious compared to the 1-2 year we'd originally talked about. I feel like we really have about 1 year, tops, left to move forward or not. And then it'll feel too late because dh is also pretty against having a single baby later after a close sibling pair due to less-than-great experiences being the baby eight years after his two older brothers. DH is also 12 years older than I am and his age plays a big factor for him too. Too bad male fertility doesn't eventually end like women's does, would make it all much easier too. I think I will be fine with it once I cross the line I draw for myself, but gotta get there first too.

[Aelwydd]

Thank you for the feedback. I'm working to be patient and understanding about this but it's hard at the same time. While we did discuss how many children when preparing to marry, me being very vocal about having seven, I don't fault him for changing expectations once reality of life with children arrived.

 

 

 

Well, earlier you requested posts from people coming at this issue from a non-religious angle. My dh and I are (liberal) Christians, but praying, etc. does not factor in our family size. It's about personalities involved, family dynamics, and resources available.

 

We have one child, and years ago, my dh wanted at least one more. However, I was the one that had to assume the physiological risks and discomfort of pregnancy and birth. And thanks to the only pregnancy I've had, I have permanent back pain and really hideous sciatic nerve pain. I have a partial hiatal hernia due to the extreme case of acid reflux and "morning sickness" I suffered from for 6 months. I still have esophageal scarring from the damage done.

 

I love my son very much, but I feel my life and my health are important, too. And if I'm hobbled physically due to trying to reproduce, how can I be there for my son and my husband? I couldn't, because I haven't the physical advantage some other women have in carrying and birthing babies with relative ease. It took a tremendous toll on me, and that was 10 years ago. I'm 35 now--I shudder to think how I would manage a pregnancy now. Most likely, I doubt my body's ability to even carry to term.

 

I guess the point I'm trying to make is, even though your dh isn't the one physically carrying the babies, he must physically work to care for and support them. And it sounds as though he is doubting his capability (energy-wise, health-wise) to do so for more children. If he can't keep up with what he has on his plate now, is it a fair burden to place on him to keep upping the ante, so-to-speak?

 

I always read on this board how people feel like they are supposed to have this or that many children. When I was about 16, I had a dream that was so real, it was almost a vision, where I saw myself clearly with a son and a daughter, a few years apart. Clearly, one half of that equation didn't happen. And adoption is unlikely for a number of reasons, though it's not completely out of the picture.

 

But I have what I have, and the reality is far more important to me, than spending my years pining for a dream. I have a husband. I have an amazing son. I also now have a very adorable standard poodle puppy. Our family is the best I could hope for, and my life is so rich, that I firmly put aside any longings for more children, and choose to relish what I do have.

 

It sounds like you have been fixated on having seven children for many years, from even before you met your dh. But the reality is your dh may not have the personal resources to give to that many children. So, my advice is to focus on what he has already given you, and let the future take care of itself, to a degree. What is the situation now may change, and he may be able to find it within himself to give more. Also, Stuff Happens--sometimes birth control fails, so you may end up with another anyway. But in the meantime, appreciate the intimacy and dynamics of the small family you have, and realize that in order to get seven children, you'd have to sacrifice some of what you have now. So enjoy it while you have it.

[umsami]

DH went through a period of about 2 years without a job. We were living off of my 401k, and help from my family. It was very tough on him. We had three kids, I was 39/40. and I became pregnant again. When I first found out, he wanted me to go get Plan B to try it. He drove me to the pharmacy, but I refused to go in. I was so mad at him, because I wanted that child--even if it wasn't a good time. I just felt that our family wasn't done...be it through birth or adoption.

 

About two days later, I miscarried.

 

About a year later, I got pregnant again. (Wasn't trying and we used birth control, but I am extremely fertile. 4 kids, all after 35.) DH's attitude to the pregnancy was completely different, even though he had just started a job and we didn't have health insurance. I asked him what changed his mind, and he said he felt guilty because he was happy when I miscarried the last time. (Was he still hoping I'd miscarry? No idea. Didn't want to know the answer to that.)

 

During that pregnancy, my Mother was horrible to me. She said truly horrific things. (Not a fan of more than 2 kids.) My Dad, however, who comes from a family of four, was completely supportive.

 

Now, my Mom and my youngest are thick as thieves. She denies she ever said those things that everybody else remembers her saying.

 

Finance-wise, going from 3 to 4 was not a major deal...however, I'm sure it will be when we have college to pay for. :) Now...if it involved requiring a larger car... or something else major... it might have taken more compromise, but we had made the move to a minvan when we had our 3rd child.

 

Time-wise, it wasn't a big deal either. DS3 has actually been super easy--and since my older kids are 9, 7, and 5, they really love helping with him. He's truly everybody's baby, and sometimes I feel like I don't get enough cuddle time because everybody else wants to cuddle him.

 

My DH is a completely hands-off, married to his career type person...so adding another child really hasn't affected him at all.

[Catwoman]

If one says no, then the answer is no.

 

 

:iagree:

 

That is exactly what I was going to say.

 

Having another child is simply too much of a life-changing thing, and I truly believe that both spouses need to be in agreement about it. Obviously, not all pregnancies are planned, so obviously there are exceptions to the rule, but when one person wants another child and the other one doesn't, I think the "no" vote has to prevail.

[Blessed Mommy]

When my husband and I were trying to decide on a third, someone older and wiser said, "You'll never regret having another child, but you may end up regretting not having another child." So true! We decided on a third, and then a fourth, and I can't imagine my life without them! They are precious blessings and, yes, I want more! :)

[fraidycat]

:grouphug:

 

Honestly, there wasn't a whole lot of discussion involved that I remember. I decided I was done and that was that.

 

I do believe with PP that the "No" vote wins by default.

 

I have never, not even once, regretted my decision in 7 years. Actually I count my lucky stars every single time I see all the other moms dealing with their toddlers at our get-togethers.

 

When my husband and I were trying to decide on a third, someone older and wiser said, "You'll never regret having another child, but you may end up regretting not having another child." So true! We decided on a third, and then a fourth, and I can't imagine my life without them! They are precious blessings and, yes, I want more! :)

 

Not a blanket truth. Only older and "wiser", and true, if that's the answer you wanted to hear, IMO. ;) There are days I regret getting cats!! Knowing myself, if I had gone on to have more I *would* regret it - and I DO actually know people who do (regret having more). Yes, they LOVE their children, but there is still a sense of regret and "if only..." there.

[Hoot]

In my opinion, it is my body and I am doing the primary care-giving, so I get the final say. If I don't want another child, I will not be forced into having one. However, if the situation were reversed and I wanted a child but DH didn't, I would absolutely NOT use the previous argument. A vote to have more children must be agreed upon by both parties without bullying or coercion.

 

In our situation, DH and I are both in agreement that we are a "1 and done" family, which is nice.

[Catwoman]

When my husband and I were trying to decide on a third, someone older and wiser said, "You'll never regret having another child, but you may end up regretting not having another child." So true! We decided on a third, and then a fourth, and I can't imagine my life without them! They are precious blessings and, yes, I want more! :)

 

I'm glad it has worked out for you, but please believe me when I tell you that many of us didn't have more children and didn't live to regret it.

 

I would never assume that having another child is the best decision for anyone. I have one child and that's just perfect for me. I have never had even the slightest interest in having another one. My brother had 4 kids and that was perfect for him -- but he never once suggested that I should have more babies. Two different people, two different choices. Both of us were happy with our decisions.

 

Honestly, though, I have to say that if a couple is on the fence about having more children, I would rather see them err in the direction of not having more until they're really sure about it, because it's not like they can take back the decision if they find it's not working out for them.

[mamakelly]

I think the one who says no "wins". It's just not fair to push a spouse into another child when they do not want one. We stopped at 3, my dh was done. I was really sad and had to work through those feelings. After 5 years, I agreed to him having a vasectomy. Then I found out I was pregnant, LOL. Funny enough he was more excited than I was.

[VeritasMama]

Well, no one should be forced to have another child just to please their spouse, but anyone who has relations is running the risk of having one regardless of whether they want it or not. I've known too many people who have had a child after birth control has failed (myself included). Even when I haven't been actively trying to get pregnant or have been trying to prevent, I still operated as though it were a possibility. After all, abstinence is the only thing that is 100 percent effective, I even know a couple who became pregnant after a vasectomy.

 

For me, this mindset is religious as well, we use NFP and try to discern God's will for our family. But even if you aren't religious, this seems like simple biology to me. You simply can't seperate babies from sex without some major, body altering surgeries. It's like the first rule of firearm safety, treat every gun like its loaded. Don't have sex if you can't deal with the fact that you just might make a baby.

[Melissa in Australia]

Well, no one should be forced to have another child just to please their spouse, but anyone who has relations is running the risk of having one regardless of whether they want it or not. I've known too many people who have had a child after birth control has failed (myself included). Even when I haven't been actively trying to get pregnant or have been trying to prevent, I still operated as though it were a possibility. After all, abstinence is the only thing that is 100 percent effective, I even know a couple who became pregnant after a vasectomy.

 

For me, this mindset is religious as well, we use NFP and try to discern God's will for our family. But even if you aren't religious, this seems like simple biology to me. You simply can't seperate babies from sex without some major, body altering surgeries. It's like the first rule of firearm safety, treat every gun like its loaded. Don't have sex if you can't deal with the fact that you just might make a baby.

That in those words is exactly what I have told my teen sons.

[Aelwydd]

Edit.

[BakersDozen]

My dh and I had this discussion for the first time this year and it was dreadful. The way we handled it was via email, actually, as it removed a lot of the reactive emotions that often come with face-to-face conversation (at least between dh and me). He could write a thought or concern, I could read and think on his words then respond calmly (and edit my words...a necessary thing for me to do), and so on. I had to not pressure him for a response which for me is very difficult! After about two weeks we finally sat down and had a very, very long discussion. I had to listen without interruption and acknowledge his concerns rather than dismiss them; he had to listen without interruption and acknowledge my response and ideas. In the end, we reached an understanding.

 

If, however, we had not reached the understanding we did I can honestly say that I would not handle it well. It's not that I didn't understand why my dh felt as he did, it's that I didn't see any of his reasons as being sufficient to end my child-bearing years prematurely. I didn't want to make light of his feelings, yet I could not agree to not try for more dc without some serious discussion.

 

In my culture, the woman rules on this one for the most part.

I like that! :)

[violamama]

We've been working/waiting to adopt for over 3 years. (No infertility, this is just our thing.) My husband is done after this kiddo, but I already feel a tug for more. And I haven't even seen the orphanages yet...

 

I'll be fine if we stop with three. We'll be busy, I have lots of things to focus on and my husband and I work pretty hard at intentionally taking good care of our relationship. We take a weekend for our anniversary, we spend time together after the boys are in bed, we take stock of each other often and try not to assume we know everything about us yet, we read books and articles together & discuss them. We do lots of deep talking on road trips and during dinners.

 

When we decided to adopt, it was much more me than him driving that bus (though we had discussed it before we even married). I made sure to tell him that although I'd be really disappointed for a while if we didn't adopt, I would survive and I would not hold it against him, whatever it took. That's part of that whole "veto power" issue for me. If either of us says no, not only does it not happen, but the other is obligated to do what they need to do to maintain. That might mean taking up a new hobby, getting therapy, talking to supportive friends, finding books that help... which are suggestions it seems you are asking for here.

 

If you were looking for faith-based advice, I'd be telling you to go to a pastor. There are some fantastic counselors out there. This is a huge issue, and I would highly recommend taking the time to find one together.

[NASDAQ]

I was extremely clear before we married that I wanted a large family and I wasn't open to using birth control.

 

We discussed it just the other day actually. He said there's no point in arguing with me, since he knows that's a hill I'd die on.

 

Also, our culture is strongly pro-natalist, and while a woman can say she can't handle more, a man generally can't. A woman's body is on the line and she generally does the lion's share of the childcare, so her perspective generally rules.

[VeritasMama]

 

 

We also use NFP, and we supplement with barrier methods. We have one child who is 10.5 years old. For us, we haven't had any "accidents," but then, I take birth control very seriously, and so does dh. We don't forget, we don't take chances. It really helps that my cycle is regular and signs very clear to read. Is there still a chance of conception? Of course, but it's pretty damn small. Better to take that risk though, than to abstain indefinitely.

 

I think it's really quite rude of you to insinuate that we "can't deal" with having a baby, though, because I have real and serious health concerns about carrying and birthing another child. You have your beliefs, that's fine. But understand that just because we have a different understanding of conception and reproduction in our marriage doesn't mean we aren't fully cognizant. So yes, we have been successfully separating sex from babies for over a decade now. It just takes a lot of cooperation, discussion, and agreement between us.

 

 

I didn't mean to be rude. I myself am in the middle of a high risk pregnancy. I know people who have become pregnant using methods such as IUDs, and I know people who became pregnant after sterilization measures were taken. My point is that no matter how seriously you take bc, pregnancy is always a possibility, though it may be a slight one, unless the reproductive organs have been removed. You do need to operate as though you might get pregnant, even if it is less than a 1 percent chance, because I myself and others I know fall into that 1 percent. That was the point, you can't seperate babies from sex 100 percent without drastic measures.

[Aelwydd]

Edit.

[YaelAldrich]

Also, our culture is strongly pro-natalist, and while a woman can say she can't handle more, a man generally can't. A woman's body is on the line and she generally does the lion's share of the childcare, so her perspective generally rules.

 

 

May I say that while our culture is pro-natalist, men and women have some say in how many children a family has to have. A woman has more say, but men can also wave the white flag, so to speak. Even in the more right-wing camps, people do use birth control between children and to round out family size. Your experience might be different...

[VeritasMama]

Edit

[Catwoman]

Her posts didn't strike me as rude or condescending, at all, and she was not attacking anyone. The posts came across as simple matter-of-fact statements describing her views on the issue. I don't understand how anyone can agree with the notion that not having sex is the only foolproof way to prevent pregnancy, so if a person really, really doesn't want to get pregnant then they should not have sex.

 

:iagree:

 

I was just going to post exactly what you did!

 

I didn't think VeritasMama was trying to be rude or condescending at all. The simple fact is that, if neither you nor your partner is sterile, there is always some possibility of pregnancy if you have sex. If you're really careful, it may be a very small possibility, but it can still happen.

 

Aelwydd, I think you're interpreting VeritasMama's posts with a level of emotion that simply isn't there, and that you're taking offense where none was intended. I'm sorry if your feelings are hurt, but I truly don't think she meant to upset anyone. Frankly, at this point, she is probably the one who feels like she's being attacked.

[LibraryLover]

Edit.

I understand your dh, but I understand your pain. I hope you can both be happy.

[Aelwydd]

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[Aelwydd]

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[VeritasMama]

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[HRAAB]

After our 3rd child, dh said that was enough. At first, I agreed, but then I started wanting another child. I really, really wanted another child. Dh, after understanding how important it was to me, agreed to one more pregnancy. I was 40 and he was 42; I knew this would be our last. Our last ended up being twins. Dh has never, ever regretted that decision, and I am so happy I had them. He is an awesome father.

 

But truthfully, if dh had not been fully on board, we would not have had another pregnancy. No matter how much I wanted one, and I did, if he wasn't agreeable to it, we wouldn't have had another. The reverse would also be true. For us we both had to be in agreement.

[Aelwydd]

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[VeritasMama]

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[LibraryLover]

After our 3rd child, dh said that was enough. At first, I agreed, but then I started wanting another child. I really, really wanted another child. Dh, after understanding how important it was to me, agreed to one more pregnancy. I was 40 and he was 42; I knew this would be our last. Our last ended up being twins. Dh has never, ever regretted that decision, and I am so happy I had them. He is an awesome father.

 

But truthfully, if dh had not been fully on board, we would not have had another pregnancy. No matter how much I wanted one, and I did, if he wasn't agreeable to it, we wouldn't have had another. The reverse would also be true. For us we both had to be in agreement.

 

 

 

Exactly. :)

 

PS I wish my last babe had been twins. That would have been totally crazy (thinking about her personality here! lol), but, in the end, after a time...lol...awesome.

[Aelwydd]

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[Murphy101]

Anyways....

 

The general rule for a tremendous disagreement in our house is to put it aside and wait. Abstaining would be the only option for us if we were truly adamant on eliminating pregnancy.

 

I can think of nothing either of us want or don't want more than the other's happiness and to be there for each other.

 

So if one needs time, then that's what they get and it will work out in the end.

 

And if we have sex then we know it causes babies and we love them should they arrive bc not loving them has never been an option to consider.

 

(((Hugs)))