How do you balance Mother's Day when you have your Mother, your MIL and of course yourself?

[OrganicAnn]

How do you balance celebrating and honoring your mother, your MIL and yourself?

 

We've done various things and it is always difficult to celebrate with everyone. One part of our problem is my MIL has 3 other children's locally and we never know what they will do (it seems like it is either all out of nothing) and we are never told of the plans until the last moment.

 

My mom lives near us and does not drive anymore. So it makes sense to do something like eat lunch together with my mom, then do something that evening with my MIL. Unfortunately logic doesn't always rule.

 

We've also have gotten all 3 of us together before (though I don't think I'll ever repeat the year where I did all the cooking for Mother's day).

 

So I guess I am looking for creative ways to fit everyone in.

 

My best Mother's Day tip is to avoid the lines and get carry out from your favorite restaurant for Mother's Day.

[Ottakee]

It does get complicated. We have MIL who is a very recent widow (just 4 weeks ago) and my dh is her only living child. She is about 2 miles away. Then we have my mom who is also a widow and lives about 8 miles away. Then there is me, and honestly, a great Mother's Day for me would be a horseback ride with my friend early in the morning, then church, and take out for lunch and a NICE LONG NAP. Then in the evening go walk the boardwalk and maybe go to the beach and get a treat.

 

have to figure out how to fit the mother and MIL in there.

[Ottakee]

It does get complicated. We have MIL who is a very recent widow (just 4 weeks ago) and my dh is her only living child. She is about 2 miles away. Then we have my mom who is also a widow and lives about 8 miles away. Then there is me, and honestly, a great Mother's Day for me would be a horseback ride with my friend early in the morning, then church, and take out for lunch and a NICE LONG NAP. Then in the evening go walk the boardwalk and maybe go to the beach and get a treat.

 

have to figure out how to fit the mother and MIL in there.

 

Then to complicate things, next Sunday may be very rough for our 11 year old foster son as his mother just passed away 2 weeks ago.

[Forget-Me-Not]

We buy a gift (usually flowers) and a card for each mom. DH calls his mom, but on the day usually he and the kids focus on me. A lot of times my dad will invite us over and make dinner for me and my mom (all of us, but mom and I don't have to cook). I was blessed with a very laid-back MIL who always wishes me HMD in return 😊

[Julie Smith]

My Dh has really bad seasonal allergies. My whole life that I have know him he was sick on Mother's day.

 

So a few years ago we switched it. So on Mother's Day my husband will be getting a new board game. He will have one nap, possibly two depending on how bad his allergies are. He does not sleep well during allergy season. I will take the kids outside for awhile to give him lots of quiet time for his nap(s). He will have all his meals made for him. He will likely have a large snack or meal brought to him when he is in bed.

 

My MIL pasted away years ago. My own Mother lives 2+ hours away and is always busy with the good weather, so I wouldn't even bother calling her since she wouldn't be in the house.

[Laurie4b]

I am not in this dilemma, but for me, I don't care whether things happen on specific days or not. I would just move my own Mother's Day celebration to the Sunday before or after (and rejoice in the less crowded restaurants!) I do appreciate cards from the kids but the exact day we celebrate is not an issue to me.

[Matryoshka]

After years of having Mother's Day being giving homage to the Grandmothers, I'd just had it. We spent the whole day running around, going to one, then the other, and I was barely acknowledged. My mom especially would always pick what she wanted to do, and we had to do that. I never got to spend time with just my immediate family.

 

I finally had it out with my mom - I said, I'd love to have a day where I honor you, but not Mother's Day. I'm the one who's currently mothering in the trenches - I'm the one who needs a break. You had your turn (and she never had to share - my grandparents were out of state). She didn't like it, but it's ended up being nice. The day before Mother's Day, I spend the day with my mom, and Dh and the kids go to his Mom's (I had him talk to MIL). And on Mother's Day we have a relaxing day and I get to pick what I'd like to do (even if it's not much of anything!).

[zoobie]

We take my mom out to brunch (somewhere that takes reservations), then the rest of the day is just us.

 

What would you do if they didn't live nearby? Maybe drop off flowers and a card on Saturday, give hugs, then spend Sunday just with your immediate family?

[jenn-]

Eh, we just turn the focus on the 3 kids that all have their birthday the next day. We are always celebrating their birthday on Mother's Day so it is a good way to bring all the family together. I'm just happy for a Mother's Day that doesn't involve cleaning vomit (had that more than once, unfortunately).

[Loowit]

This year we are staying home, like I have pretty much since my first was born. I get Chinese takeout from my favorite place and have a movie marathon of my favorites. My MIL will be out of town at her great-nephew's baptism. But we spent most of the day yesterday with them, so I guess we could count that. My mom is, as usual, being monopolized by my older sister who is taking her out to lunch. I will try to spend some time with her another day in the next couple of weeks.

[Lisbeth]

After years of having Mother's Day being giving homage to the Grandmothers, I'd just had it. We spent the whole day running around, going to one, then the other, and I was barely acknowledged. My mom especially would always pick what she wanted to do, and we had to do that. I never got to spend time with just my immediate family.

 

I finally had it out with my mom - I said, I'd love to have a day where I honor you, but not Mother's Day. I'm the one who's currently mothering in the trenches - I'm the one who needs a break. You had your turn (and she never had to share - my grandparents were out of state). She didn't like it, but it's ended up being nice. The day before Mother's Day, I spend the day with my mom, and Dh and the kids go to his Mom's (I had him talk to MIL). And on Mother's Day we have a relaxing day and I get to pick what I'd like to do (even if it's not much of anything!).

 

I agree w this.

[Samiam]

Not an issue for us, as neither my mother nor MIL live near enough for it to matter. Now when we did live in the same town as MIL, it just varied from year to year. Sometimes we did stuff together with her, other years, she had work things going on, so it was just us. It's not really a big deal for me....we celebrate Mother's Day for our children, really, as a way to teach them about honoring, celebrating and giving to others (in this case, ME, lol). Meaning, to teach them life is not always about them. Personally, I could give two hoots about Mother's Day...another Hallmark holiday. In reality, I'd prefer if it my family loved, celebrated and honored each other every day...without Hallmark telling us we have to.. Eh, some days we do and other days we are human.

[Samiam]

Not an issue for us, as neither my mother nor MIL live near enough for it to matter. Now when we did live in the same town as MIL, it just varied from year to year. Sometimes we did stuff together with her, other years, she had work things going on, so it was just us. It's not really a big deal for me....we celebrate Mother's Day for our children, really, as a way to teach them about honoring, celebrating and giving to others (in this case, ME, lol). Meaning, to teach them life is not always about them. Personally, I could give two hoots about Mother's Day...another Hallmark holiday. In reality, I'd prefer if it my family loved, celebrated and honored each other every day...without Hallmark telling us we have to.. Eh, some days we do and other days we are human.

[Seasider]

Dh takes his mom out to lunch on a day earlier in the week. We used to have to do the whole rigamarole but i ended up working my fanny off to celebrate his mom for the day. Dh finally said that was dumb and that the day should really go to the moms "in the trenches." So now he takes her out, just his mom and him. I think she fInally understands and i know she enjoys the time she has him all to herself. I call my mom but that's all she cares about - not into gifts and cards and all that. She lives states away and a nice chat suits her just fine.

 

As for me, I don't like the focused attention. I think kids, for the most part, should be nice to their mother most days and if they want to tell her they think she's awesome, that shouldn't be limited to one day on the calendar.

 

On the actual Hallmark holiday, I just ask to not have to set foot in the kitchen. That's really all I want. That and to spend at least some of the day having relaxed time with my kids and husband. Sometimes the kids will make or get me a gift. I always express my sincere appreciation but I don't really need anything and hate for them to feel pressure to come up with something.

 

I am careful to tell my sons that their future wives may not see things quite the same way I do and they better be prepared to make a big deal for their wives, if the wives expect it!

 

[J-rap]

We tend to switch things up from year to year. We do live 2.5 hours away from our mothers (and they live in the same city). This year, we'll probably spend Saturday evening with with my mother, and then maybe drive home that night. My MIL has many children, so if we do not spend a Mother's Day with her some years, she doesn't even notice. :)

[SunnyDays]

 

I prefer a laid back Mother's Day with just my boys. :) That doesn't mean thats what I normally get... there are always expectations on one side of the family. I do agree about honoring all moms, but that moms "in the trenches" should get some special consideration.

[Pippen]

After years of having Mother's Day being giving homage to the Grandmothers, I'd just had it. We spent the whole day running around, going to one, then the other, and I was barely acknowledged. My mom especially would always pick what she wanted to do, and we had to do that. I never got to spend time with just my immediate family.

 

I finally had it out with my mom - I said, I'd love to have a day where I honor you, but not Mother's Day. I'm the one who's currently mothering in the trenches - I'm the one who needs a break. You had your turn (and she never had to share - my grandparents were out of state). She didn't like it, but it's ended up being nice. The day before Mother's Day, I spend the day with my mom, and Dh and the kids go to his Mom's (I had him talk to MIL). And on Mother's Day we have a relaxing day and I get to pick what I'd like to do (even if it's not much of anything!).

 

 

Good for you! I'm glad you managed to find a workable solution. I have not, and usually spend Mother's Day in a resentful, cranky mood because I don't have any say and in the family I married into, all the mothers cook for the family gathering. That's right, it winds up being extra work and nothing I have said or can say will change that fact. They won't go out and won't carry in anything besides an occassional bucket of chicken.

 

These past years there's been a film opening in May that I want to see so I ask for the family to go as my gift. At least I feel like I've been acknowledged that way.

 

Not my favorite day.

[trlt]

My mom lives in far from us so I just send her a card. My MIL lives an hour away and we used to try to do something with her but it was always so hectic so now we just send her a card, too. My DH declared that Mother's Day was just for me...he plans the day for me and our little family does our own thing. I love it!!

[Pawz4me]

As for me, I don't like the focused attention. I think kids, for the most part, should be nice to their mother most days and if they want to tell her they think she's awesome, that shouldn't be limited to one day on the calendar.

 

 

I totally agree. Thankfully both my mother (when she was alive) and my MIL feel/felt the same way, and so we've never made a big deal out of the day at all. If my kids take the time to say "happy Mother's Day" that's more than enough.

[kewb]

We don't see wither mother on Mother's Day. I am a mother too and my dream day is not spending it sitting in an hour plus of traffic just to see my mother-in-law. When she had the audacity to tell me one day she won't be here and then I can do what I want for mothers day I told her she was right and we don't know what the future holds and perhaps we will start flying to AZ to see my mother on mothers day. And I should mention that y mother in law had dh when she was 20. She is only 20 years older then me and I am not waiting until I am 80 to do what I want for mothers day. Selfish-absolutely. But since instituting my no travel mother's day I have been much happier and my mother's days have been perfect. We see my mother in law that Saturday so we do see her, just not on the day.

 

When my kids grow up and have families of their own I hope to remember my feelings and honor what they want to do for mother's day.

[lavender's green]

It's not really an issue for us because mom and MIL live far away, but even if that wasn't the case, I'm the one in the trenches, and it is my day. If they lived near us we would get together for lunch earlier in the week, but I'm pregnant and have a toddler and I'm not going to make life four times more difficult by running around appeasing everyone (and dealing with the other relatives, too! :eek: ) on that single day.

 

(If I sound a little worked up, it's because my FOO is insane.)

[AnneBlessedx4]

I enjoy having my mom and mil over for lunch. Some years, my step dads mom and another lady we know. My hubby is good about showing appreciation all year, as are our kids. Life is short, I don't want to look back and regret not showing them love. It helps that we all get along well, and keep our snarkiness to ourselves.

[Lizzie in Ma]

Tough one. Both my Mom and my MIL have been through a lot the last year but there is no way we can celebrate with both of them. It's also my BFF's birthday and I want to be with her as well. Plus, shouldn't I get a day? Oh well.

Guess we will try to do lunch after church with my Mom, call my MIL and try to get to BFF's for "our" Mother's Day/birthday.

On a related note, so want to tell my twin I don't want to do "our" birthday this year, just want to do MINE. Don't see that going well either.

[Tita Gidge]

My kids call MIL on the day, having already sent a gift package by mail the week prior. She lives out of state but has sometimes flown in for the holiday. She's not much appreciated by her living children or her husband; part of that is her general obnoxiousness and martyr complex (she's only happy if she's a martyr to her family), but since I don't have the years of dealing and living with it that her family does, it's easier for me to put up with. So I do. If she's not visiting us, her holiday involves her going to church (alone, not by choice), going to her own MIL's house for brunch (husband meets her there), and her living kids in residence showing up for dinner (expecting her to make it). Most years this dysfunction works for them, some years she flies out to us instead. We fold her into our plans, no problem.

 

We've always lived near extended family, so it's a big gathering to celebrate all moms in our family. It starts with Mass, followed by a party afterwards around lunchtime. We hang out all day and well into the night. We love any excuse to gather and party :) the men BBQ and some years there is a bake-off for desserts. Even as many kids as I have, it still feels weird to me to be celebrated on this day when my own mother, grandmothers, aunties are still alive and so active in our lives; they're my primary focus. My own kids will give me cards or a token gift at home before Mass, but generally we just show up with gifts for Mom, Grandmom, and any aunties we feel like gifting (we each have a favorite LOL). I bring gifts for my sisters and SILs, even the ones who aren't mothers because "Auntie" is a big role in our family, too. Every woman in my family is a strong maternal, female presence in the lives of my kids and I want to recognize and appreciate that.

 

To me the day is about MY mom, not about me. It's a day to recognize her, because even though she's no longer in the trenches (which, she kind of is because she still watches half of her grandkids on a daily basis) she's survived them LOL. If I saw the day as a way to relieve mothers, I can see where it'd feel more appropriate to shift focus to mothers in the trenches. But my mom would argue that she never left because her adult children have needed her just as much, if not more intensely, than have her small children! She says it's easier, the days when all it involved was checking homework and wiping butts.

 

Reading about different family cultures is always interesting to me. We're a very matriarchial family, so our focus tends towards the highest-ranking moms :) I wouldn't have it any other way. This is typical of where I'm from.