I can't take it anymore!!!

[Aspasia]

My kids are constantly whining, fighting, and bickering. "He took my...!" "I want the blue one!" "Stop touching me!" "She's spitting!" They bicker and contend ALL. DAY. LONG

 

Oh my gosh, I'm going to lose my mind!!!

 

And of course they're always whining at me, too. It's like they don't have any other voice. The usual advice just isn't cutting it around here. I don't understand when people say they "just don't tolerate whining". What does that look like? Because these kids NEVER get what they whine for. Ever. It never works for them. I always tell them to "try again". Or I tell them I don't understand them when they whine (which I honestly don't half the time). So they ask in a normal voice, get what they need, and then go right back to it the next time. I feel like we've been doing this dance for years (at least with dd). It's driving me crazy!

 

I'm just tired of it all. And I have no idea how to handle it. Please, please, help me.

 

P.S. My siggy says they're 5 and 2, but they turn 6 and 3 in the next month (just in case you were wondering how a 2 yo could be so..."sophisticated").

[lexi]

I so understand!!! Mine are 7, 5, 4, and 2. The screaming and fighting! The whining!!! Ohhh! It makes me crazy! I haven't finished a sentence uninterrupted for weeks!!!!!

No advice. Just hugs and sympathy!

Some days (and weeks too) are just so very long!!

[Parrothead]

I'd send them to their rooms every time. Fighting? Send them to their rooms. Bickering? Send them to their rooms Whining? Send them to their rooms. Children with bad manners cannot play in the public areas of the house.

 

If they whine for something just say no. Say something like "No, you won't have ___ because you whined." No second chances.

[Aspasia]

I'd send them to their rooms every time. Fighting? Send them to their rooms. Bickering? Send them to their rooms Whining? Send them to their rooms. Children with bad manners cannot play in the public areas of the house.

 

If they whine for something just say no. Say something like "No, you won't have ___ because you whined." No second chances.

 

 

Unfortunately, they share a room (which brings a whole other set of challenges). Fortunately, we are moving in a couple months and they will have their own rooms. Yay!

 

I like the idea of no second chances. I will implement that right away. But what do I do when they whine for a glass of water, or something else necessary to life? Also, when they whine for something less necessary, like help untying one of the many knots they tie everyday (seriously, they're obsessed with ropes and strings), and I deny them help because they whined, how long is the second chance denied before they can try asking nicely? Are they just doomed to knot permanence?

 

Incidentally, I have separated them for the day, one upstairs and one downstairs. It's marvelous.

[Upward Journey]

I'd send them to their rooms every time. Fighting? Send them to their rooms. Bickering? Send them to their rooms Whining? Send them to their rooms. Children with bad manners cannot play in the public areas of the house.

 

If they whine for something just say no. Say something like "No, you won't have ___ because you whined." No second chances.

 

 

This is pretty much how I always handled it. My threshold for whiny children is pretty low, and they knew it ;)

 

For the record, I have 5 dc. When mine were your dc ages I had an infant, a 3yo,5yo, 7yo & a 13yo. We lived in a small 3 bedroom house, so 2 in one room, 3 in the other.

 

My youngest is way more whiny at 8 than any of the others were. I * think* we just got tired of being consistant or just gave in way more because he was the baby. oops. So my take would be that consistancy w/ no reward (ie. no second chances) really is the key, because that's only thing I've done differently with him (not following through everytime), and I've reaped the not so wonderful consequences.

[Parrothead]

Unfortunately, they share a room (which brings a whole other set of challenges). Fortunately, we are moving in a couple months and they will have their own rooms. Yay!

 

I like the idea of no second chances. I will implement that right away. But what do I do when they whine for a glass of water, or something else necessary to life? Also, when they whine for something less necessary, like help untying one of the many knots they tie everyday (seriously, they're obsessed with ropes and strings), and I deny them help because they whined, how long is the second chance denied before they can try asking nicely? Are they just doomed to knot permanence?

 

Incidentally, I have separated them for the day, one upstairs and one downstairs. It's marvelous.

 

 

Well, here is when it is good they are young and forgetful.

 

You know they won't dehydrate in your care. So not giving in won't kill them. Just prepare snack or water break periodically throughout the day. Once they learn they have to wait, they will just quit asking - whiny voice or regular.

 

Strangely enough dd was the same way about a rope or string. She learned quick enough to not tie them so tight she can't get them undone. I have one piece of yarn I can see from where i"m sitting that was tied to the stair post. Do your kids tie their toys up too?

 

I'm thinking they may need some time alone without a sibling.

[zoobie]

I keep a spray bottle in the basket by my chair to spray cats who jump on the table. I grabbed it and squirted my older kids who were bickering about something. It diffused the situation and made them laugh which helped keep me from losing my temper too. I've also made them hold hands and sing.

 

There can be too much togetherness. Is one an introvert and needs alone time to recharge? Play date with separate friends?

 

Whining--I say, I don't understand whining. Say it again in your normal voice. Repeated whining generally means it's snack time or rest time.

 

Water should be something even a 3 year old can do himself. I followed Montessori philosophy there. Small glass pitcher filled with water at kid-accessible location. Each kid has his own glass. If they whined for water, I'd ask why they were bugging me about it.

[AK_Mom4]

I like the idea of no second chances. I will implement that right away. But what do I do when they whine for a glass of water, or something else necessary to life? Also, when they whine for something less necessary, like help untying one of the many knots they tie everyday (seriously, they're obsessed with ropes and strings), and I deny them help because they whined, how long is the second chance denied before they can try asking nicely? Are they just doomed to knot permanence?

 

Incidentally, I have separated them for the day, one upstairs and one downstairs. It's marvelous.

 

 

The answer here would be different for the 3yo than for the 6yo. The 6yo would be just flat told No and to come back later. The 3yo I would still be prompting with Ask Politely, so they would get an automatic second chance for another year.

[Rosie_0801]

My mother used to say we were welcome to bicker as long as we did it outside. Bonus points if it is dark or raining.

[Myeightkiddies]

My usual solution was to inform them that they must be bored. Me accusing anyone in the house of boredom means impending doom (for them). I would get several baskets of clean clothes (I do several loads a day, so there are always clean clothes waiting) and have them fold and put them away. I guarantee next time they started fussing all I had to say was, "You all look bored." They would stop immediately and find something to do. It works for whining and other things. Nowadays I don't have to do that. They are older and put clothes away on their own or help as needed. When most of them were little, they didn't fight nor whine. I never had to yell or punish. I just told them that they looked bored.

 

Friends and family always compliment me on how well my children get along. They just all mutually hate folding and putting away clothes. : ) I started it early enough that not fighting and whining with each other became the norm.

[Irene Lynn]

I used to make my son run laps. :D We have a nice circular floor plan that gives a good sized lap. I do recall one day he whined or complained and I told him to run 5 laps. It had been a pretty whiny day already. Of course, before it was done he was whining, so I told him to keep on going for a couple more. He whined the moment he stopped, so off he went on 3 more. He can do 10 laps without a problem, but he felt tired before he started that day. He learned to keep his mouth closed when he thought of whiny thoughts. I also teach him how to express himself in a better way. The exercise gives him a pause to reflect and takes a little sass out of him at the same time.

 

Other times I send him to his room until he can figure out how to speak respectfully. As I type this, I realize that I don't focus on the whininess, but rather the lack of respect. Whininess shows a lack of respect for himself and for others, so I just ask him to speak respectfully. If he doesn't know how to do that, he is always welcome to ask. If he prefers not to speak respectfully, then he can either run it out of his system to learn a little self control or be separated from people until he can communicate properly.

 

I also talk to him about self control a little. (He is also 6. I need to update my siggy).We have done both real experiments and thought experiments to help him understand that he does indeed have control over his mouth or actions or whatever. If a person would change their actions with the proper motivation, then they can have control over themselves. I put it this way, because there are people with issues that are not changed through motivation. They need different advice. My son is not one of them, so I can push him a little here. After a few of these talks, I think he knows that I know that he can choose to control himself if he wants to. Sometimes it is very hard and we both know it, but it is not impossible. I am ready with hugs, when he faces tough choices. BUT basic whines? Bah!! Just knock it off or run some laps or go away. I'll be ready with smiles, when he returns to be a part of humanity.

 

The 3 year old needs to be reminded much more gently. However, if he sees what happens to big sis, he might learn more quickly. :D

[Tita Gidge]

My mother used to say we were welcome to bicker as long as we did it outside. Bonus points if it is dark or raining.

 

 

My mom, too! So mean, weren't they!!

 

I swore I'd NEVER say that to my own kids when I had them.

 

She laughed, back then when I made that claim and then the first time she heard me say it to my kids.

 

I ought to squirt her with the water bottle a la Zoobie's post LOL.

 

Her solution for the whining was to send us down to the church for Adoration and private prayer. She said she didn't mind if we whined, but all complaints should be taken up with her Superior. She'd say, in her wretched accented Engrish, "Go 'head, you tell that guy {on the crucifix} how rough you have it, k?" Some of us got to know the Sisters and Priest very well those years B) LOL.

 

I just had a heart to heart with my kids. It's a logic problem, really, here's how to solve it:

 

You whining or bickering + my ears = understand how moms in the wild can eat their young

 

Your normal voice bringing a complaint + my ears = conversation.

 

Conversation, good; Whining, not good. Even if I wanted to give attention to you, when you're whining I literally cannot. I cannot focus on what you're saying because your tone has got up my hackles and I'm just so instantly annoyed that my annoyance is all I can focus on. Think about it.

 

(This is how I explain it to my 7 year old, and have since she was about 5. The three year old? Maybe not so much, good luck with that one!)

[Katy]

I love the "you look bored" thing in response to bickering - I already have chores as a consequence for complaining of boredom. I'm going to have to use that.

 

We do a lot of laps and copywork for consequences of bickering here.

 

I don't tolerate whining either - I announced one day that I found whining as irritating as a yappy dog, and from that moment on anything asked of me in a whining voice would be an automatic no. It took a few days practice after that, but when they figured out I meant business the whining stopped. Every once in a while if someone's really tired I still hear it, but it's still an automatic no, so it never lasts long.

[jenn&charles]

Wow, I remember those days. You'd think I would be totally past it, but to this day my 15 year old and 22 year old still find time to whine at each other, lol...

 

When the kids were little and the whining got to be too much I just stopped giving any attention for it and didn't allow my kids to have what they were whining for (or about). I agree with the poster who said no second chances. When my youngest whines (he's a teen) he is guaranteed NOT to get what he wants and if he's whining about his work (school or chores) he's guaranteed to get MORE piled on. It's amazing how that works.

 

One time my daughter, when she was about 6 or so was whining about how her brother (who was 4) got a bigger helium balloon than she did and how hers was not as good and why did he get the nice one, etc. etc. etc. until finally I calmly took her balloon, held it out the window and let it float up into the sky.

 

Problem solved.

 

When the kids whined over something like "she got a bigger piece than me" I solved that by having the whiny child pick a cupcake (or cookie or whatever it was) first and then said, "Ok, thanks, that one is for your sibling." That stopped the picking out the biggest and best piece first syndrome.

 

If the kids were whining about there not being anything to do I would calmly reply that I can help find some chores...

 

My suggestion is to work hard to have a zero tolerance policy. Sometimes it might be appropriate to totally ignore it or remind them to use a different voice. Other times it might be appropriate to have a natural consequence ready.

 

I totally understand what you are going through. It does get better, eventually!! Most of my days are whine free now and whenever Otter starts slipping into that, I'm quick to take action because whining seems to multiply like stuffed animals... lol...whenever there is just a little bit, suddenly there's a lot!

[Rosie_0801]

Tita, your mum is hardcore! :lol:

[Aspasia]

So many good suggestions! Thank you, thank you, thank you!

 

Just today, I actually implemented a new rule for those who whine or complain when asked to do a job (like picking up a toy or putting away laundry): they get an extra chore. I'm handing out the "money chores", for which dd can actually earn extra money under other circumstances. But if she whines or complains, she has to do one without pay. I'm getting a lot of little tasks accomplished on this first day!

 

I love "You look bored". I also love the spray bottle (so funny!) and the laps. I think laps are a legitimate consequence. Sometimes the excess energy/angst is the problem.

 

Awesome! I'm writing all of these ideas down so I can refer to them when I need a good consequence. Keep 'em coming!

 

[Tita Gidge]

Tita, your mum is hardcore! :lol:

 

There were a lot of us kids, I think we forced it on her LOL.

 

I remember when the whole Tiger Mom thing was in the news, and some of my brothers and sisters and I were sitting around discussing the controversy ... Mom was sitting in the room, doing her crossword puzzle, kinda just blending in the background, when all of a sudden she stood up, said "Dat woman? Amateur!" and walked out of the room.

 

Cracked us all up. She's hilarious, my mom.

 

I love her!

 

I just told my kids that the next time they whine, I'm taking advice from here and giving them extra chores. Then I paused and waited expectantly for the whine ... but those little buggers are too sharp. They didn't fall for it! I guess I'm stuck doing dishes tonight, myself. Dang it.

[Seasider]

Sorry no advice but I just had to say...

 

When I read this thread title, I heard it in Frank Costanza's voice.

[Julie Smith]

I think some kids are just more prone to whining than others. If you heard my Dh talking about it he might say, "It's not tolerated so they don't do it." or something else that could make you feel bad since we someone managed to raise non-whiners when you couldn't.

 

But every kid is different. So those people who "Don't tolerate whinning" could like us just naturally have non whinning children, or just such a high tolerance for whinning that they don't notice it.

 

(I or my husband have never had to do anything special to get them to not whine, it just didn't naturally happen.)

[gardenmom5]

there are a number of things that will help - some of them may seem unrelated, but they are aimed at the "why" for the whining.

 

1. spend MORE positive time. play games, talk to them and LISTEN to what they are saying, go for a walk. something. do not connect it to the whining. they aren't connected.

2. some kids will do things to provoke a sibling - so the sibling is whining, etc. this takes some observation and possibly detective work - but when you have one provoking another - the one doing the provoking needs to be in trouble. don't make a big deal out of it, just "you did A, so B are the consequences - so, go do." then turn your back and go back to what you were doing. the point is they don't get anything out of provoking the sibling. you may or may not realize someone is being provocative.

3. make a list of household chores - when someone whines - give them a job. it should take a maximum of five minutes. it's not about the quality of the work, but that whining doesn't pay.

• clean the toilets
  
• clean the mirros
  
• clean the sinks
  
• sweep the kitchen
  
• take out the trash
  
• etc.
  

if they refuse to do the job -well, they can always go in their room and work on school work. no screen-time. no phone-time either.

 

4. do not acknowledge the whine. if they want something -you have no idea because you. can't. hear. them. if they are expressing emotion to you and NOT whining - listen to them.

 

5. more positive time - when they're NOT whining. one on one attention - when they're not whining.

[poppy]

My rule is, no complaining to ME about what the other one is doing. Talk to each other, no tattling, mom does not mediate. I don't want to hear it unless there is a safety issue. Mine are 2 & 5 ( I do intervene if the younger is pulling the older one's hair or biting or course..... ) Got great tips on that from 'Siblings Without Rivalry’, a book I highly recommend.