Thank you for your responses.

[lynn]

Thanks for your sharing your experiences and thoughts on this.

[J-rap]

It depends so much on all the circumstances involved. I know that some kids take longer to figure things out, and though I would definitely not want to be enabling him in poor choices, I'd want to be there to some extent to help him through, hoping that he'll get on the right path at some point. Sometimes those early paths set a life-long path that is so much harder to change once you are older.

 

We've done it a variety of ways with our children. We have one daughter who wants to take off all next year and work. She'll be living with her grandparents to save money. (They live in a big metropolitan area, and we don't.) If she had wanted to get her own apt., I think in that situation -- knowing that she has the option to live with my parents -- I'd expect her to pay for her own rent. I'd maybe pay for the first month or the deposit.

 

On the other hand, if one of my children had a great opportunity somewhere that I felt was a great opportunity but they had no place to live -- perhaps a great internship that was either no pay or low pay, then I might pay for rent for the summer if it was an inexpensive arrangement (a room in a boarding house, etc.).

 

My daughter who is going to college a few hours away lives with her aunt and uncle to save money, and we pay for tuition. She is using one of our cars right now, but she pays gas. She does have a small part-time job.

 

If my child had no plan and was going against all of our advice and was making dumb decisions, and moved out to rent an apt. she couldn't afford, I think I would wait it out awhile and hope that she would learn from her mistakes. If she was in over her head, incurring debt, etc., I would help her find solutions to fix the problem (a relative to live with, a job -- even if below her skills, or even encourage her to move back home and I'd pay her to do things that I otherwise would hire other people to do, for example). But, if she refused my help and continued to live recklessly, I wouldn't pay for her recklessness.

 

I'm not saying your son is living recklessly, I'm must throwing out different thoughts.

 

Does he have a good job that pays the rent? Is he in over his head?

[Liz CA]

Currently we are not helping at all. Ds, 22 is out of state, has a job and can pay his bills. As soon as he is considered a resident, he wants to apply at the local university to finish his degree. We will help a little if necessary then since he may have to cut back on hours while in college.

I am a believer in letting them fend for themselves but also letting them know the door is always open to come home if they have no other options.

We would likely help with emergencies, like medical bills, etc., if that situation came up.

 

Oh...and the part about watching it unfold as a parent. It is sometimes difficult but I remind myself that he is an adult now, that God loves him more than I could possibly love him, I pray for his protection from harm, that he would not make disastrous decisions that could impact the rest of his life. And I remind myself that we tried to raise him to independence and that making mistakes is part of learning and I pray that his mistakes will not be the kind that could possibly ruin his chances for a productive life. And I pray...

[Parrothead]

Well the plan is for dd to stay home and work for a while to save for the future.

 

I was pretty much booted out at 18. There was no safety net and as a result things are now, almost 30 years later, beginning to stabilize. I don't want that for dd. So dd is welcome to stay as long as she is working or in school or has a plan. If she finds true love at 18 I have no problem having her and her husband living in the basement.

[lynn]

We are leaving the college option open for a while. I think he may be one who enjoys his freedom and would not consider moving back home.

[Wheres Toto]

In the situation you describe (not wanting to go to school), I would provide a safe place to land if things don't work out, but I wouldn't help out financially while they attempt it.

 

Full time school is different. We are paying the majority of expenses for my oldest who is in college. She will have a car on campus next year that we will pay most of the expenses for. She will need it to get a job. Her job will be reimbursing us for her room & board, although we will allow her to have some spending money and the likelihood of her being able to cover all of it is slim. We mainly were looking for a willingness to work hard and contribute.

 

Edited to add: If they wanted to live at home and work rather than go to school, we would allow that with minimal rent and helping out around the house. I would not provide an apartment, car and help with living expenses just because they feel like being on their own.