Overcoming fear

[Halcyon]

How do you face and overcome your fears? I know the "what is the worst thing that could happen?" strategy. It isn't working. How do you push forward in spite of your fears?

[Melissa in Australia]

I think there are some fears that are impossible to overcome, at least I haven't. taking to others doesn't help. telling myself that I am being silly doesn't help. I have a fear of huntsman spiders. I can handle all other spiders just fine. . I can walk into a room see a huntsman and start saying to myself it is just a spider it will be fine. the spider moves and I will just start screaming.

[Remudamom]

I think some irrational fears have to be more managed than overcome.

[Dandelion]

I first try to identify what I'm afraid of, and then go from there.

 

For example:

 

- If my fear comes from not feeling prepared, or not feeling capable, I take steps to become capable. That might mean gathering more information or perhaps picking up a new skill. To make that happen, I might pick up a book on the topic, take an online class, or whatever. Once I've developed or improved my skills or knowledge, I feel more prepared and more confident and the fear goes away.

 

- If my fear comes from not knowing what's going to happen, I focus on what I do know about the situation and what I have direct control over. Then, I decide how I'm going to act based on that. And then I take action. Just focusing on my piece of it, rather than the whole situation, makes it easier to deal with.

 

- If my fear comes from feeling like a situation is going to be disastrous, I do use the "what is the worst thing that could happen?" strategy. I actually write down the worst case scenario, and then write down how I would respond or deal with each aspect of that. Just having a plan, even if I don't like what it will have to entail, helps.

 

- If my fear just won't go away despite my best efforts, my fallback is to "just do it". I love the mantra "Feel the fear and do it anyway". I read the book of that same name many years ago and found it helpful. I can say from experience that once you take action, even it's just something small, the fear starts to subside. When you're on a tall diving board, you shouldn't overthink your dive. If you do, your fear increases. The best thing to do is just jump before you psych yourself out.

[Caitilin]

It's maybe a little embarrassing for me to admit this, but I find the Bene Gesserit mantra pretty helpful actually:

I must not fear.

Fear is the mind-killer.

Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.

I will face my fear.

I will permit it to pass over me and through me.

And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.

Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.

Only I will remain.

[Remudamom]

It's maybe a little embarrassing for me to admit this, but I find the Bene Gesserit mantra pretty helpful actually:

I must not fear.

Fear is the mind-killer.

Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.

I will face my fear.

I will permit it to pass over me and through me.

And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.

Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.

Only I will remain.

Bwhaha! I loved the Dune books.

[Hypatia.]

I must not fear.

Fear is the mind-killer.

Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.

I will face my fear.

I will permit it to pass over me and through me.

And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.

Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.

Only I will remain.

 

When I was in labor with the Caboose a few months ago I was leaning over DH as he sat on the stairs (trying to encourage posterior babe to turn over) and I quoted that to him and said "brownie points if you can tell me where it's from!". ;)

[mommymonster]

I love and regularly re-read the Dale Carnegie book "How to Stop Worrying and Start Living." It has a good chapter about dealing with fear.

[Guest pun33t]

What is fear ? Fear of what? There are various types of fear and we need not analyse every type. But we can see that fear comes into being when our comprehension of relationship is not complete. Relationship is not only between people but between ourselves and nature, between ourselves and property, between ourselves and ideas; as long as that relationship is not fully understood, there must be fear. Life is relationship. To be is to be related and without relationship there is no life. Nothing can exist in isolation; so long as the mind is seeking isolation, there must be fear. Fear is not an abstraction; it exists only in relation to something.

The question is, how to be rid of fear? First of all, anything that is overcome has to be conquered again and again. No problem can be finally overcome, conquered; it can be understood but not conquered. They are two completely different processes and the conquering process leads to further confusion, further fear. To resist, to dominate, to do battle with a problem or to build a defence against it is only to create further conflict, whereas if we can understand fear, go into it fully step by step, explore the whole content of it, then fear will never return in any form.

As I said, fear is not an abstraction; it exists only in relationship. What do we mean by fear? Ultimately we are afraid, are we not?, of not being, of not becoming. Now, when there is fear of not being, of not advancing, or fear of the unknown, of death, can that fear be overcome by determination, by a conclusion, by any choice? Obviously not. Mere suppression, sublimation, or substitution, creates further resistance, does it not? Therefore fear can never be overcome through any form of discipline, through any form of resistance. That fact must be clearly seen, felt and experienced: fear cannot be overcome through any form of defence or resistance nor can there be freedom from fear through the search for an answer or through mere intellectual or verbal explanation. SOURCE: WWW.SEEKERSDIARY.COM

[speedmom4]

I agree that there are different types of fear. I am terribly afraid of heights and I don't really want to try to confront it. I am fine living with it and have found a way to avoid (most of the time) being in situations where I'm in a full blown panic.

 

I went to a counselor for a while because I was so afraid something would happen to my newborn daughter (my first born). I was terrified that someone would kidnap her. The counselor gave me great advice and I still use the technique whenever I have fear that grips my heart. She told me to imagine the absolute worst. Then she told me that I couldn't stop the imagination there. I had to go through the mental process of making decisions if the worst happened until a resolution. For example, if someone came into our home and took our baby in the middle of the night, I had to imagine what I would do from that point if it actually happened. I imagined myself calling the police. I imagined myself searching and doing anything to find my baby. Then I had to imagine what I would do if we found her or if we never did. It was very comforting. The counselor stressed that you can't get stuck in the moment of the fear but have to mentally work your way through to a resolution. It has helped me many times.

 

Elise in NC