Please tell me your opinion on this family matter

[ChocolateReignRemix]

 

 

My point was the person throwing the party should consider the guests of honor. We were not considered because I'm sure they would have served corn on the cob anyway. So, when you throw a party for vegans, you should consider what food you're going to serve, just like if you're throwing a party for someone who doesn't drink and doesn't feel comfortable being around alcohol you shouldn't have it at your party and anyone attending the party should be told not to bring it.

 

You are being inconsistent. If as a vegan you insisted any party held for you by another must remain animal product free, I would say you are out of line. The same applies for someone who abstains from alcohol insisting that means no one else can imbibe in their presence. In the case of your BBQ, the hosts did not attempt to meet your basic needs or accommodate you as a guest, which makes them poor hosts. If the OP's MIL was treating her family in that manner, then I would side with the OP.

[AdventureMoms]

Perhaps it is akin to keeping kosher? Someone who keeps kosher can't (from what I understand) eat from a kitchen that uses utensils or cookware where certain foods have been prepared together. So perhaps the original poster is having an issue similar to a person who keeps kosher going to a potluck dinner. But, even then, that person would be limited in what SHE could eat, but it wouldn't matter what other guests chose to eat. So I really can't think of an analogy.

 

I don't think the analogy holds. We have friends who keep kosher - they bring their own food everywhere, but have never requested that others not eat non-kosher foods in their presence. They do request that guests in their home not bring in food, but that is in their own home. Elsewhere they have never expressed concern if I feed my kids pulled pork while she feeds her kids the kosher fare she brings. It is harder to process when a religious requirement is not "this is what we do" but rather "this is what we don't want you to do around us. ". I don't think the OP is trying to judge, but I can see how that might feel judging to others, especially if they do not understand the reasoning.

[mohop]

I think I have enough opinions; thank you. I'm sorry that I somehow came across as a judgmental, controlling, legalistic ingrate to some of you.

 

For what it's worth, the wine is usually introduced as someone's "contribution" to the potluck, as my MIL's large functions are always potluck.

[HappyLady]

 

You are being inconsistent. If as a vegan you insisted any party held for you by another must remain animal product free, I would say you are out of line. The same applies for someone who abstains from alcohol insisting that means no one else can imbibe in their presence. In the case of your BBQ, the hosts did not attempt to meet your basic needs or accommodate you as a guest, which makes them poor hosts. If the OP's MIL was treating her family in that manner, then I would side with the OP.

 

 

 

Sorry I tried helping the OP by seeing her point and giving a poor example. I didn't really think my example would have been judged. :)

[Parrothead]

I'm sorry. People drink. It isn't even illegal or immoral. Shoot, Jesus turned water into wine. This is one of those area where you'll have to suck it up. (Not literally) being in the minority is never easy. But you can't dictate what others do. If you don't want to be around alcohol you'll have to forego the party.

[gardenmom5]

I get this, but, I just can't think of another example of a religion where adherents must avoid the presence of others based on behavior. It's unusual.

 

Perhaps it is akin to keeping kosher? Someone who keeps kosher can't (from what I understand) eat from a kitchen that uses utensils or cookware where certain foods have been prepared together. .

 

I do know of a couple religions that the adherents are not allowed to be around people drinking. I also don't think it's the same as kosher - because those who are kosher can eat around others who aren't, they just don't eat the non-kosher food.

While I agree with the majority of the people here that you can't/shouldn't say something to your MIL, I would be like you and want people to honor something that is a big part of my beliefs. We went to visit my DH's family in another state last year. His brother decided he wanted to throw a BBQ in "our honor." We went to this BBQ where there were 4 different meats on the grill, all sorts of mayo based salads, other dishes full of dairy, and corn on the cob. Oh, did I mention we're vegan. :glare: Yeah, we got to "enjoy" this BBQ while chowing down on the only thing we could eat - corn on the cob.

 

this was a case of poor hosting. it was also a case of expecting the host to know your very different dietary needs without stating them upfront. You could have reminded him you are vegan, what that entails (no meat, no eggs, etc.), and giving him an opportunity to provide you with food that would meet your needs. My brother expects me to remember his dd's food requirements. hello? I have enough to remember with my own kids and I don't see her very often and feed her even less. I also know people with food issues who simply bring their own so they know they will have something to eat.

 

it also doesn't compare because you are not requiring everyone else there to eat vegan. whereas there will be things she can drink that don't contain alcohol.

[mohop]

I'm sorry. People drink. It isn't even illegal or immoral. Shoot, Jesus turned water into wine. This is one of those area where you'll have to suck it up. (Not literally) being in the minority is never easy. But you can't dictate what others do. If you don't want to be around alcohol you'll have to forego the party.

 

 

Yeah. Well I'm sure glad my MIL is the type of person who wouldn't rather we not show up to our own party than ask to limit the potluck drinks to non-alcoholic ones......

 

For the record, I asked for opinions on the act of making a request to my MIL, but really wasn't looking for opinions about my personal and/or religious beliefs.

[Joanne]

I think I have enough opinions; thank you. I'm sorry that I somehow came across as a judgmental, controlling, legalistic ingrate to some of you.

 

For what it's worth, the wine is usually introduced as someone's "contribution" to the potluck, as my MIL's large functions are always potluck.

 

 

 

It's a public thread.

 

People like to discuss, that is why many of us are here.

 

The adjectives you use to describe the perception you have of other's perception of you probably comes, in part, to their reaction to your elevated concern about your children being around people who enjoy alcohol but don't over consume. It can feel assumptive and judgmental that moderate, recreational consumption is a "concern" at the level of worrying about kids.

[Orthodox6]

We are, however, interested in what your religion might be. This could be helpful to any of us who know people of that group, so that we do not unintentionally cause them stress by a social invitation.

[mohop]

I would defer to your husband's opinion, as it is his family graciously hosting a party.

 

I would be interested to know which religion encourages its adherents to shun the company of people who drink. I'm accustomed to non-drinkers quietly following their own practices while other people simultaneously do consume alcohol. My religion has many practices which we follow as unobtrusively as we can when in mixed-religious company.

 

 

We are Coptic Buddhist Muslim Zoroastrians. We shun all those who believe differently than us. As an expression of our religious commitment, we go door-to-door dictating what our neighbors can and can't eat and drink. We also stalk pregnant women so that we can steal their placentas upon giving birth and take them to high schools to scare kids out of having sex.

 

It's a tough life.

[Orthodox6]

We are Coptic Buddhist Muslim Zoroastrians. We shun all those who believe differently than us. As an practice of our religious commitment, we go door-to-door dictating what our neighbors can and can't eat and drink. We also stalk pregnant women so that we can steal their placentas upon giving birth, and take them to high schools to scare kids out of having sex.

 

It's a tough life.

 

 

I completely fail to understand why my tactfully worded question of sincere interest elicited such a response. (I refer to my post which immediately precedes yours.) My earlier post (which you quoted) bore no ill-will, either.

[Joker]

We are, however, interested in what your religion might be. This could be helpful to any of us who know people of that group, so that we do not unintentionally cause them stress by a social invitation.

 

 

I've been in many Baptist churches that preach that not only are they to abstain from alcohol, but they are to keep themselves and their family away from it and anyone who does drink.

[mohop]

I completely fail to understand why my tactfully worded question of sincere interest elicited such a response.

 

I'm sorry; I really was just trying to be silly. Attempt FAILED. I think I'll just go hide in my little KG homeschooling corner.

[Parrothead]

 

 

Yeah. Well I'm sure glad my MIL is the type of person who wouldn't rather we not show up to our own party than ask to limit the potluck drinks to non-alcoholic ones......

 

For the record, I asked for opinions on the act of making a request to my MIL, but really wasn't looking for opinions about my personal and/or religious beliefs.

 

To be quite honest I did not give an opinion of your religious belief.

 

You said this event will be pot luck. How do you ascertain if anyone cooked with wine or beer?

[ChocolateReignRemix]

We are Coptic Buddhist Muslim Zoroastrians. We shun all those who believe differently than us. As an expression of our religious commitment, we go door-to-door dictating what our neighbors can and can't eat and drink. We also stalk pregnant women so that we can steal their placentas upon giving birth and take them to high schools to scare kids out of having sex.

 

It's a tough life.

 

Do you have a membership form? I'M IN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[gardenmom5]

I think I have enough opinions; thank you. I'm sorry that I somehow came across as a judgmental, controlling, legalistic ingrate to some of you.

 

For what it's worth, the wine is usually introduced as someone's "contribution" to the potluck, as my MIL's large functions are always potluck.

if people are bringing a bottle of wine - it sounds like then there isn't very much - unless someone brings a case.

I do not drink for religious reasons - but in someone else's home I allow them to serve what they will, becasue it's their home.

 

I do have a problem when other people are drinking to the point of getting overly loud, but that has generally only been in restaurants. (which I imagine you don't go to because people at other tables might be having drinks with their dinner.)

[Catwoman]

I'm not asking anyone to "adhere to my religion." I don't care if they drink when they are not around me and my kids, I just thought it's reasonable for me to want to be comfortable at a party thrown in my honor, and honestly, the presence of alcohol will affect how long I and other members of my family will want to be there more than it will affect how long the people who do drink will want to be there. (I can't think of anyone in DH's family who would feel so strongly about drinking at a party that they would refuse to come or leave early if there isn't alcohol). But I see that most of you agree with my DH, so it gives me something to think about at least.

 

Are you worried that everyone will get falling-down drunk or something? If that's the case, I can certainly understand your concern, but if you're going to get upset just because someone is holding a glass of wine at a party that's not even in your home, I think you're trying to be a bit overly-controlling. The guests are going out of their way to attend a party in your honor, and to welcome you home. How about thinking of their feelings and comfort instead of your own? I know you think the party is all about you and what you want, but quite frankly, I think you're coming across as very unappreciative.

 

 

 

I guess when i wrote "Please be honest," I should have added "but not rude and/or hateful."

I think I have enough opinions; thank you. I'm sorry that I somehow came across as a judgmental, controlling, legalistic ingrate to some of you.

Yeah. Well I'm sure glad my MIL is the type of person who wouldn't rather we not show up to our own party than ask to limit the potluck drinks to non-alcoholic ones......

 

For the record, I asked for opinions on the act of making a request to my MIL, but really wasn't looking for opinions about my personal and/or religious beliefs.

 

 

I think you're getting offended over nothing here.

 

You seem to be kind of upset because everyone didn't agree with you. Unless I missed something, only one comment could have been viewed as being intentionally rude to you, and I know that the person who posted that comment is a nice woman, so I assumed she was just being a little sarcastic and joking. I haven't seen a single person mocking your religious beliefs, and as for opinions about your personal beliefs... well... you started a thread asking for opinions, and since the "family matter" centered around your personal beliefs........ I can't understand why you would have expected that no one would have told you they thought you were wrong. :confused:

[AdventureMoms]

 

 

I completely fail to understand why my tactfully worded question of sincere interest elicited such a response. (I refer to my post which immediately precedes yours.) My earlier post (which you quoted) bore no ill-will, either.

 

You double posted so I got to like it twice!

 

I am curious about the OPs religion, since I've never encountered a religious requirement of that nature. I am sorry if I offended you though. I was just trying to explain how your DHs family might feel about this request.

[gardenmom5]

 

I've been in many Baptist churches that preach that not only are they to abstain from alcohol, but they are to keep themselves and their family away from it and anyone who does drink.

islam is another

[Mango]

I wouldn't.

 

My In laws won't even drink water I serve. They always bring their own water bottles. I can't figure out if they're worried I don't have clean glasses or they don't like the taste of our RO water. Whatever. Even if I buy them water bottles, same brand they drink at home. They won't drink what I buy.

 

It was more frustrating for me to try and figure it out than to just shrug my shoulders let it be.

 

It's not alcoholic, like your situation, but the idea is the same. They're not forcing you to drink it. And they're not putting it in the food. So you're religious beliefs are being respected. And you're respecting their right to choose their beverage.

 

Of course, if they're getting rowdy (on purpose) then I have another opinion and I usually vote with my feet.

 

If nothing else it's a good teaching moment for your kids, "This is why we don't....."

 

Growing up we had drinking relatives and non drinking relatives. At family parties each group tended to gravitate towards one room or another. Personally this is the reason why we don't do alcholic beverages in our home today. Ironically all those relatives are now recovering alcoholics.

[gardenmom5]

you did ask for opinions - and we gave them, and we have given reasons why we hold the opinions we do. only one response to you falls into the inappropriate snark catagory. the rest have been polite. If you want everyone to just agree with you, you may want to edit your thread title to "JAWM".

[BigMamaBird]

I would agree with your Dh. It sounds like you have a good relationship with your in-laws and that they aren't doing it specifically to disrespect your beliefs. I'd just go and enjoy the party in my honor. If other people drink, it's no reflection on you either way.

[gardenmom5]

My In laws won't even drink water I serve. They always bring their own water bottles. I can't figure out if they're worried I don't have clean glasses or they don't like the taste of our RO water. Whatever. Even if I buy them water bottles, same brand they drink at home. They won't drink what I buy.

 

maybe they were once victims of a prank where someone took a hypodermic needle and injected vinegear into their water bottles so they are now paranoid and want to make sure they're safe. ;p

 

I once read something similiar for a MASH plot device where hawkeye did that to charles' chocolates.

[Ravin]

As the hostess, I'd want to know what would make my guests comfortable, especially those in whose honor the party is, and those who I am inviting who aren't part of the "usual crowd" (in this case, OP's parents).

 

The MIL is accustomed to them not drinking but tolerating others doing so; in her place I would want to know just how uncomfortable my guests would be with drinking going on, and with that understanding I would make clear in my invitations that it was a "dry" party, as well as send out requests that ingredient lists for potluck dishes be included so that those with dietary restrictions can make informed choices (without quizzing and bothering people).

 

If the OP's own parents, etc. weren't coming, I'd be taken aback as the hostess as this is different from when OP and her husband have come to other family functions, but with the extended other-side-of-the-family invites, I'd want the information for sure.

 

I tend to be very conscious and respectful of others' preferences and beliefs, having run into a good deal of the opposite treatment at various times.

[Orthodox6]

 

I'm sorry; I really was just trying to be silly. Attempt FAILED. I think I'll just go hide in my little KG homeschooling corner.

 

 

When I read the string of incompatible religions mish-mashed together, I took you at face value because over the many years, I have met people who attempt to reconcile the irreconcilable in terms of religion.

 

When I read the remainder of the post, however, I concluded that you were angry at everyone.

 

The original post did solicit "honest" reader feedback. Despite a small amount of foolishness, I think you received considerate answers from people trying to be helpful. Maybe if you reread those later on, they won't rub you the wrong way. I hope so!

[zoobie]

If you are close to your MIL, could you have an honest conversation with her--you appreciate the party so much and how she is always respectful of your choices. You're worried that your family will be less understanding if someone brings alcohol. Maybe there's a meal or party format that would be least likely for people to BYOB? An afternoon gathering not centered around a meal? Your family would love to help out and bring some nibbles... I guess it depends on your relationship and her personality. I wouldn't be offended if a family member or friend brought to me a serious concern. I think people get too easily offended and we spend too much time walking on eggshells. It's family! You should be able to talk openly. I'd also have no issues calling a family member who usually brings wine and say hey, let's keep this a dry party. Would you mind bringing XYZ instead? But I would do that without you having to ask if it's a party in your honor.

 

I hope y'all wind up having a lovely welcome home party.

[prairiewindmomma]

We have this same situation pop up.....one side of the family has no problem with alcohol, the other side belongs to a religion that prohibits the consumption of alcohol. As a family, we belong to that same religion.

 

1. Your kids, while young now, are either aware now or will soon learn that not everyone holds the same set of beliefs re: alcohol.

2. Your parents are also aware, and have dealt with this type of situation before.

3. While one hopes that the host would be sensitive to the situation, it isn't the place of the guest of honor to make suggestions to the host.

4. Handling the situation with love and grace (your actions) teaches far more than whatever words come out of your mouth about your beliefs....especially to your kids.

5. Having sets of family meet each other was fraught with much more anxiety when I was young and newly married and was just starting off on building our family than it does now. Looking back, I was perhaps a bit judgey and rude as I didn't have as much experience in handling awkward situations.

 

It's ok if your family that doesn't drink just stops in and says hello. They understand the awkwardness of the situation you are in, and you can catch up with them later. It's ok if you and your family step out of the party at the point in which things become inappropriate. Everybody has the ability to make their own decisions. ;)

[Lisa R.]

I think I have enough opinions; thank you. I'm sorry that I somehow came across as a judgmental, controlling, legalistic ingrate to some of you.

 

 

 

I think there has only been one post that has been rude. That poster was called out by a couple of other posters. Perhaps she was joking, but as you can see, sometimes humor doesn't translate well over the internet.

 

I actually think people have tried to be very understanding and non-judgmental as they process your dilemma. You are asking a group of people, most of whom drink, and they are trying to respond in a calm way that is respectful of your beliefs about alcohol.

 

I do think it is easy to get bothered when most posters disagree with your position. I think we can also sympathize with that. It is lots more enjoyable when people agree with me and back me up. I get that. But the disagreement here has been respectful and thoughtful.

 

On another note, I went to a school when I was young, fundamentalist Baptist, that had beliefs similar to yours. I'm sort of amused as the others are baffled at the idea of being uncomfortable or even prohibited from being around those that drink alcohol. I was around this viewpoint for so many years. I do not hold to the conviction that drinking alcohol is a sin. However, even in my 40s, at times, I still have to adjust to the fact that most people drink. This ideas was foreign to me as I was growing up. Most houses, most parties, most social gatherings, most Christians drink socially.

 

I have found that many people, often other Christian, are offended when they find out someone doesn't drink for religious reasons. The social drinker often feels that they are being judged--even if this is only a personal conviction of the religious person. There is simply nothing you can do about this. I think it is a sign of insecurity to feel threatened or offended when one person has a conviction different from your own. So, if someone is offended by the fact that your family has a conviction to abstain from alcohol, too bad for them.

 

Of course, if the abstainer lets people know that they abstain because that is what good Christians or good (insert other religion here) do, then people will be rightfully offended. This is legalistic and judgmental. I think we can assume you do not do this.

 

I think where this get sticky is when the abstainer requests that others abstain in your presence. This is your question. Yes, I get that this is a party held in your family's honor. It's a legitimate question and one that would've been asked in the circles I used to inhabit.

 

Since I've been on both sides of this issue, may I offer some gentle, unsolicited advice? I know you did not ask for advice. But as one PP pointed out, this is a public forum. Sometimes these conversations take turns we don't expect. It's one of the risk of posting, I suppose. My advice is this: I would begin the process of reexamining your conviction about being around those that consume alcohol. There are few social setting where alcohol is not present. This is a great opportunity to show your children that you can participate in a gathering and still follow your convictions. Your children will not be tainted by this exposure to alcohol. You are not condoning the use of alcohol. If you are a Christian, the mark of a Christian is love. When you show graciousness as a guest and a family member, you show a loving attitude. You can show your children that you can have a great time at a party without consuming alcohol.

 

I know you did not ask for advice. I hope you receive this in the manner I intended it.

 

Best wishes as you navigate this issue.

[mohop]

 

I think you're getting offended over nothing here.

 

 

Yes, you are probably right.

[itsheresomewhere]

Just thinking in the long term.

 

I know your kids are young but this could be the start of a perfect opportunity on how to deal with these situations gracefully. The kids won't be little long and you don't want to make the forbidden fruit more tempting down the line. Think of it as an excellent way to start showing your beliefs to the kids and how different we all are. They will need to understand we are all different yet should respect each others differences.

[poppy]

I'm sort of amused as the others are baffled at the idea of being uncomfortable or even prohibited from being around those that drink alcohol. I was around this viewpoint for so many years. I do not hold to the conviction that drinking alcohol is a sin. However, even in my 40s, at times, I still have to adjust to the fact that most people drink. This ideas was foreign to me as I was growing up. Most houses, most parties, most social gatherings, most Christians drink socially.

 

 

Thanks for this perspective, it helped me understand the OP a little more. Perhaps it is like guns. I grew up so far removed from any form of firearm, in a part of the country that is very left-leaning. If I had to move to, say, Texas, I'd have to get more used to being around people who have guns -- visiting people who keep guns in their home -- knowing people who shoot or collect guns recreationally. While I'd never have to buy a gun or use one, I would have to deal with my discomfort with them in a way I don't have to now. That's the best analogy I can come up with for this.

[Jean in Newcastle]

As far as I can tell, the OP's husband is of the same religion she is. And he does not appear to have a problem with the possibility of people bringing a bottle of wine or other alcoholic beverage to the potluck.

[AdventureMoms]

 

 

Thanks for this perspective, it helped me understand the OP a little more. Perhaps it is like guns. I grew up so far removed from any form of firearm, in a part of the country that is very left-leaning. If I had to move to, say, Texas, I'd have to get more used to being around people who have guns -- visiting people who keep guns in their home -- knowing people who shoot or collect guns recreationally. While I'd never have to buy a gun or use one, I would have to deal with my discomfort with them in a way I don't have to now. That's the best analogy I can come up with for this.

 

I think it's the best analogy I've seen so far. Comes closer, I think, than anything I could come up with in my attempt to understand.

[mohop]

Thanks for this perspective, it helped me understand the OP a little more. Perhaps it is like guns. I grew up so far removed from any form of firearm, in a part of the country that is very left-leaning. If I had to move to, say, Texas, I'd have to get more used to being around people who have guns -- visiting people who keep guns in their home -- knowing people who shoot or collect guns recreationally. While I'd never have to buy a gun or use one, I would have to deal with my discomfort with them in a way I don't have to now. That's the best analogy I can come up with for this.

 

 

Here's another way of looking at it:

 

Say an American goes to Amsterdam for a visit. In Amsterdam, smoking marijuana is legal, but the American comes from a place where it is not legal and her personal beliefs agree with the reasoning for it being illegal. She understands that people in Amsterdam have a right to smoke marijuana and doesn't necessary think they should change their laws or that people need to stop smoking because she doesn't agree with it, but she just does not want to be around it or to have her kids around it.

 

Does this make sense?

[AdventureMoms]

 

 

 

Here's another way of looking at it:

 

Say an American goes to Amsterdam for a visit. In Amsterdam, smoking marijuana is legal, but the American comes from a place where it is not legal and her personal beliefs agree with the reasoning for it being illegal. She understands that people in Amsterdam have a right to smoke marijuana and doesn't necessary think they should change their laws or that people need to stop smoking because she doesn't agree with it, but she just does not want to be around it or to have her kids around it.

 

Does this make sense?

 

Kind of. However, if a family in Amsterdam wanted to throw a party for my family, I would not consider it appropriate to tell them whether or not they could smoke pot at the party. Let alone whether or not they could allow their guests to bring any. Seeing as I am in their home, I consider any discomfort I might feel my issue to work through. Provided, of course, that they are not being blatantly disrespectful of my beliefs. Which it does not sound as if your family is doing.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Here's another way of looking at it:

 

Say an American goes to Amsterdam for a visit. In Amsterdam, smoking marijuana is legal, but the American comes from a place where it is not legal and her personal beliefs agree with the reasoning for it being illegal. She understands that people in Amsterdam have a right to smoke marijuana and doesn't necessary think they should change their laws or that people need to stop smoking because she doesn't agree with it, but she just does not want to be around it or to have her kids around it.

 

Does this make sense?

 

No, because the smoke directly affects her and her body and that of her children. Alcohol that someone else drinks (esp. when it doesn't sound like it is in excess) does not.

[AdventureMoms]

 

 

No, because the smoke directly affects her and her body and that of her children. Alcohol that someone else drinks (esp. when it doesn't sound like it is in excess) does not.

 

… And that is a good point also.

[Lisa R.]

Here's another way of looking at it:

 

Say an American goes to Amsterdam for a visit. In Amsterdam, smoking marijuana is legal, but the American comes from a place where it is not legal and her personal beliefs agree with the reasoning for it being illegal. She understands that people in Amsterdam have a right to smoke marijuana and doesn't necessary think they should change their laws or that people need to stop smoking because she doesn't agree with it, but she just does not want to be around it or to have her kids around it.

 

Does this make sense?

 

 

Sort of. It is the religious component, though, that makes the situations a little different.

 

It is very difficult to say I have a religious conviction that not only should I not do such and such but further, I don't want to be around you, and I don't want my children to be around you when you are doing this---and not sound judgmental.

 

It's one thing to not participate. It's another to refuse to be around others that chose to participate.

 

If you can do so privately, then no one knows. (Skipping a party where there is alcohol without giving a reason why you're not attending.) However, you are discussing a situation where you are considering asking others to accommodate your personal convictions.

 

Following your analogy above, it would be like going to Amsterdam and asking your pot-smoking neighbors not to smoke around you and your children at a party held in your honor. I guess I think that would be out-of-line to make that request, too.

[gardenmom5]

Here's another way of looking at it:

 

Say an American goes to Amsterdam for a visit. In Amsterdam, smoking marijuana is legal, but the American comes from a place where it is not legal and her personal beliefs agree with the reasoning for it being illegal. She understands that people in Amsterdam have a right to smoke marijuana and doesn't necessary think they should change their laws or that people need to stop smoking because she doesn't agree with it, but she just does not want to be around it or to have her kids around it.

 

Does this make sense?

in that case - I wouldn't be visiting people in their own homes if they used pot while I was there (my brother did, dealt, and grew in our mother's house, so I did grow up around it but never used it - and that despite the fact one of his "friends" repeatedly tried to *force* me to try it.) - I wouldn't dream of imposing my standards on others in their own home. I also wouldn't be going to public places where people are using. (and the only one I'm inconvienencing is me)

 

eta: I sitll think you should change the heading to JAWM. oh, and it's legal for personal use in washington.

[Joker]

I think the pot analogy is a rather good one. If I had family in Colorado (where it's now legal in private residences) and was moving back there, I would not go to a party at anyone's home where I knew they would be smoking pot. I wouldn't ask them to accomodate me if they wanted to throw me a party, I would just say we couldn't do it.

[Catwoman]

Here's another way of looking at it:

 

Say an American goes to Amsterdam for a visit. In Amsterdam, smoking marijuana is legal, but the American comes from a place where it is not legal and her personal beliefs agree with the reasoning for it being illegal. She understands that people in Amsterdam have a right to smoke marijuana and doesn't necessary think they should change their laws or that people need to stop smoking because she doesn't agree with it, but she just does not want to be around it or to have her kids around it.

 

Does this make sense?

 

No.

 

You asked specifically about alcohol, and now you are muddying the waters by bringing marijuana into the discussion. Are you simply trying to create controversy here? :confused: Because the fact is, we all understood exactly what you meant when you said you didn't want to be around people who drink and that you didn't want your kids to ever be around them, either. You didn't need to start a whole new debate.

 

Here's the thing -- you can explain and explain your position, over and over again, but many of us still won't agree with you that you have the right to tell the guests at your MIL's party that they're not allowed to bring any alcohol. Many of us will still think it's an unreasonable request on your part, no matter how many ways you try to justify it.

 

I'm sorry; I don't mean to be rude, but I feel like you're beating a dead horse here, simply for the sake of argument. It doesn't even seem as though your own dh agrees with you on this, so I'm not sure why you're so surprised that everyone here didn't spring to your defense.

 

Gardenmom5 is absolutely right; you should have put JAWM in your thread title, so everyone would have known that you only wanted to hear from people who agreed with you.

[gardenmom5]

You asked specifically about alcohol, and now you are muddying the waters by bringing marijuana into the discussion. Are you simply trying to create controversy here? It doesn't even seem as though your own dh agrees with you on this, so I'm not sure why you're so surprised that everyone here didn't spring to your defense.

I don't think she's trying to create controversy so much as she's trying to get people to agree with her. it isn't happening.

[Lisa R.]

Here's another way of looking at it:

 

Say an American goes to Amsterdam for a visit. In Amsterdam, smoking marijuana is legal, but the American comes from a place where it is not legal and her personal beliefs agree with the reasoning for it being illegal. She understands that people in Amsterdam have a right to smoke marijuana and doesn't necessary think they should change their laws or that people need to stop smoking because she doesn't agree with it, but she just does not want to be around it or to have her kids around it.

 

Does this make sense?

 

OP, I also think you're bring up the marijuana example as it was likely to be an example for which more people would have sympathy.

 

It's crummy to be virtually the only one on one side of an argument. That's where you find yourself now. I think we can all sympathize with that.

 

Oftentimes when I find that I'm the only one holding a certain point of view, I feel that perhaps it is a view that I need to reconsider and rethink.

[mohop]

No.

 

You asked specifically about alcohol, and now you are muddying the waters by bringing marijuana into the discussion. Are you simply trying to create controversy here? :confused: Because the fact is, we all understood exactly what you meant when you said you didn't want to be around people who drink and that you didn't want your kids to ever be around them, either. You didn't need to start a whole new debate.

 

Here's the thing -- you can explain and explain your position, over and over again, but many of us still won't agree with you that you have the right to tell the guests at your MIL's party that they're not allowed to bring any alcohol. Many of us will still think it's an unreasonable request on your part, no matter how many ways you try to justify it.

 

I'm sorry; I don't mean to be rude, but I feel like you're beating a dead horse here, simply for the sake of argument. It doesn't even seem as though your own dh agrees with you on this, so I'm not sure why you're so surprised that everyone here didn't spring to your defense.

 

Gardenmom5 is absolutely right; you should have put JAWM in your thread title, so everyone would have known that you only wanted to hear from people who agreed with you.

 

 

I brought up the marijuana, because people were saying that they were trying to understand my perspective and others were bringing up examples of kosher meat and guns, so I thought it was legit to try to draw another analogy. I am not trying to start any kind of controversy.

 

I am not just trying to get people to agree with me. I really wanted to know what others' perspectives were on the question that I asked. What rubbed me the wrong way was when people started attacking and questioning by religious beliefs instead of just addressing the issue. For those who told me they thought it was inappropriate to request anything of my MIL, then I appreciate you sharing your thoughts on my question. For those who think it''s inappropriate for me to not want to be in the company of people who are drinking, then all I can say that is that I appreciate your sincere concern/advice, but I am not seeking religious advice here.

 

Look, I know people think my beliefs may be strange or weird or wacky or wrong or whatever. That's fine. That's why I didn't want to turn this into a discussion of my beliefs, and got a little defensive when it turned that way.

 

That's all. I don't participate in the Chat Board discussions regularly, and I guess I didn't know what I was getting myself into.

[Paige]

Here's another way of looking at it:

 

Say an American goes to Amsterdam for a visit. In Amsterdam, smoking marijuana is legal, but the American comes from a place where it is not legal and her personal beliefs agree with the reasoning for it being illegal. She understands that people in Amsterdam have a right to smoke marijuana and doesn't necessary think they should change their laws or that people need to stop smoking because she doesn't agree with it, but she just does not want to be around it or to have her kids around it.

 

Does this make sense?

 

That is not a good analogy, however. With marijuana, you and your kids can be affected by the drug simply by being in the room with people who are smoking it. It would be difficult, if not impossible, for someone to smoke marijuana without becoming altered.

 

With alcohol, if the adults have only a small social drink, your kids and even you unless you sniff them, would never know they were drinking anything other than water. There's no chance the alcohol will rub off on you, and the drug, when consumed in small quantities, will not alter behavior or judgement.

 

A better analogy would be if my family did not eat pork and I feel it should be illegal and would not be comfortable at a party if someone brought some sausage balls as an appetizer.

 

My family was strict no alcohol at all Baptists. My extended family was not. I cannot recall any time that alcohol was served at a family function when I was a child, but maybe I just didn't know. I wonder why your kids would even know? My grandfather was an alcoholic, so I suspect there actually was alcohol sometimes.

[MFG]

 

 

No, because the smoke directly affects her and her body and that of her children. Alcohol that someone else drinks (esp. when it doesn't sound like it is in excess) does not.

 

Another's consumption of alcohol may not effect her or her children physically, but OP appears to believe that it will negatively effect them spiritually. Are only physical ill effects "real" and spiritual ones are not?

[catz]

I'm not asking anyone to "adhere to my religion." I don't care if they drink when they are not around me and my kids, I just thought it's reasonable for me to want to be comfortable at a party thrown in my honor, and honestly, the presence of alcohol will affect how long I and other members of my family will want to be there more than it will affect how long the people who do drink will want to be there. (I can't think of anyone in DH's family who would feel so strongly about drinking at a party that they would refuse to come or leave early if there isn't alcohol). But I see that most of you agree with my DH, so it gives me something to think about at least.

 

 

If you were super uncomfortable with this, I would decline the party entirely and set up an open house at your own home when you can if you would like to reconnect with families. If MIL asks, you can tell her you're uncomfortable with alcohol and maybe she will volunteer a solution. But I would not ask her to do something directly. I think it's incredibly awkward to ask your MIL to tell guests what they can't do. At most parties, it's considered good form to bring something to consume and if they regularly host events with alcohol, it would be uncomfortable for them at best. And even if she asks or throws that on an invite, doesn't mean people will honor it. Which would then put them in a position of confronting someone at the actual event.

 

If you want to be close to this family when you get back, it might serve you well to be more tolerant of others with differing beliefs. And if you can't do this, maybe having this party isn't the best plan anyway.

[Catwoman]

I brought up the marijuana, because people were saying that they were trying to understand my perspective and others were bringing up examples of kosher meat and guns, so I thought it was legit to try to draw another analogy. I am not trying to start any kind of controversy.

 

I am not just trying to get people to agree with me. I really wanted to know what others' perspectives were on the question that I asked. What rubbed me the wrong way was when people started attacking and questioning by religious beliefs instead of just addressing the issue. For those who told me they thought it was inappropriate to request anything of my MIL, then I appreciate you sharing your thoughts on my question. For those who think it''s inappropriate for me to not want to be in the company of people who are drinking, then all I can say that is that I appreciate your sincere concern/advice, but I am not seeking religious advice here.

 

Look, I know people think my beliefs may be strange or weird or wacky or wrong or whatever. That's fine. That's why I didn't want to turn this into a discussion of my beliefs, and got a little defensive when it turned that way.

 

That's all. I don't participate in the Chat Board discussions regularly, and I guess I didn't know what I was getting myself into.

 

 

 

 

Before you edited the post I quoted above, you said that we sure liked to jump on people.

 

I disagree completely.

 

Just because people don't agree with you, doesn't mean that anyone is "jumping on you." :glare:

 

And absolutely NO ONE has attacked your religious beliefs, and if you truly believe that they have, I guess there is no way to convince you that you are mistaken. Again, just because people don't agree doesn't mean that they are picking on you, attacking you, or ridiculing you or your religious beliefs.

 

You are being far more than a little defensive here, and I also think your statement that "I didn't know what I was getting myself into" is just silly. No one thinks you're a horrible person, and no one thinks you're not entitled to your beliefs. I have read this entire thread, and it appears to me that just about everyone who has responded has done nothing more than reply to your original question. You just haven't liked the answers, so you think everyone is picking on you.

 

They're not.

 

Really.

 

You seem like a very nice person, and I'm sure we all appreciate your concern for your children and we all respect your right to believe whatever you choose, whether or not we may agree on all of the specifics. I hope you will be able to sit back and reassess the responses you have received, and realize that people were trying to be helpful, not hateful.

 

There have been plenty of threads on this forum that have been truly nasty, and this isn't one of them. I'm sorry if you don't see it that way.

[AngieC]

I worry that even if your MIL graciously accomodates your wish and asks that no guests bring alcohol to the party that it could potentially strain your relationship with the extended family who might now feel awkward about bringing alcohol to any future family gatherings. Do you expect them to never drink alcohol in your presence?

 

You make it sound like these folks are such light drinkers that it is no big deal to ask them to refrain from drinking alcohol entirely. If that is the case, don't you think they would just forgo it all together without needing to be asked since they know that you and your family are opposed?

 

Personally, I don't see any way you can make this request without appearing to be very judgmental. I like the idea of changing the venue to your own home where you could reasonably request that no alcohol be brought.

[Guest]

If this discussion was about Christianity and hypocrites, people would be all over it. Telling people that it is convenient how people pick and choose what they want to adhere to as far as their religion. But this woman is trying to do the right thing according to her religion, and people are telling her to chill out. Which way should it be? Should she be a hypocrite and not adhere to her religion just because people think that she should go along with the norm? OP, I totally get it, and if I were you, I would politely decline the party invitation and say exactly why. Either one stays true to their religion or they don't,kwim?