DD12 texts. All. the. time.

[daijobu]

It's only been a week since I got her a data/phone plan for my old iPhone 3. I've been appalled at how much time she spends on it. I really wish I had thought it through before, and I feel like I need to put the brakes on this behavior NOW.

 

I'm not even really sure why. I mean, I spent hours in the kitchen on our Trimline phone chatting with school friends starting in 7th grade. Is this any different?

 

Well, yes it is. We dropped her off at a field trip, and instead of meeting up with her in-person friends, she was continuing to text with her BFF.

 

I'm sympathetic to her plight, as she complains that she doesn't have many friends (Where did all the homeschooled middle school girls go?), so I want to enable her social life as much as I can. But texting in the presence of actual people doesn't help her make new friends.

 

What sort of limits do you place on texting? Is it harmful? I wonder if I limit the phone to after school hours, she would just instant message online.

 

Thank you for technology parenting help!

[Koerarmoca]

Ugh. I don't know how you would set texting limits if someone texts her she is going to want to text back. Maybe only let her have the phone on weekends? I don't know...

[Joker]

My 7th grade dd is not allowed to have her phone during school hours. It's easier for me on that issue, though, because she's in ps and they are not allowed to have phones. She also has to stop texting/talking at 9pm on weekdays. She often has friends texting her after this time, but she doesn't complain about having to ignore it. She also doesn't use it while we're involved with something else (like dinner, out shopping, movies, etc.).

[EKS]

I'd just block texting and be done with it. But that's because it drives me nuts to micromanage my children's behavior.

[duckens]

Our kids are not yet at cell phone stage, but I have saved a copy of these rules for when we get to that point: (It's the Christmas mom who got her son a cell phone with 18 rules).

 

http://www.northwestohio.com/news/story.aspx?id=843575#.UXMdLErEVc8

[CandaceC]

I would recommend reading Girls on the Edge by Leonard Sax. His book on girls (and the one on boys) is excellent. It isn't just about texting but he talks about how girls are more likely to get addicted to texting and Facebook while for boys it is the video games.

 

My kids aren't that age yet so I'm not sure what we will do yet...but I thought about that book and thought I would mention it.

[Joker]

I would recommend reading Girls on the Edge by Leonard Sax. His book on girls (and the one on boys) is excellent. It isn't just about texting but he talks about how girls are more likely to get addicted to texting and Facebook while for boys it is the video games.

 

My kids aren't that age yet so I'm not sure what we will do yet...but I thought about that book and thought I would mention it.

 

Off topic, but I was pleasantly surprised by my 13 yr dd when she informed me kids her age here think Facebook is lame. She and her friends have zero desire to have their own FB account. I really hope that trend continues - at least for a few more years.

[Murphy101]

I'd either block the texting or take the phone.

 

I'm very clear with the rules for use and that the phone is NOT theirs. It is ours and we will not let them use it if they show they aren't ready for it.

[Ellie]

In my house, the phone would be gone.

 

If she wants to connect with friends, then she needs to, you know, actually connect with them. Texting is not connecting.

[wingedradical]

FB is considered lame partly because it has been so invaded by the older generation. KIds text instead.

 

Texting is life for a teenage girl. To not be able to text very much puts them in a somewhat isolated position. I have to admit, I don't get it but...

 

We do put limits when and where our dfd can text...only certain times in the evening during the week and a little more time on the weekends. For us texting time is the same as computer time so texting counts against her free computer time.

 

I haven't read the book another poster referred to but I do worry about how being so connected all the time without break is going to affect people. I have the same concerns about FB. It's like drive-by relationships.

.

But I figure it is something we can only keep under control, not extinguish.

 

Also, you did say her phone was new. Even I was fascinated when I first got an iPhone and that was after complaining about my youngest DS and his father texting for 10 years.

 

One things for sure - this generation is going to get osteoarthritis in their thumbs at a fairly young age. :ohmy:

[Lolly]

It's only been a week since I got her a data/phone plan for my old iPhone 3. I've been appalled at how much time she spends on it. I really wish I had thought it through before, and I feel like I need to put the brakes on this behavior NOW.

 

I'm not even really sure why. I mean, I spent hours in the kitchen on our Trimline phone chatting with school friends starting in 7th grade. Is this any different?

 

Well, yes it is. We dropped her off at a field trip, and instead of meeting up with her in-person friends, she was continuing to text with her BFF.

 

I'm sympathetic to her plight, as she complains that she doesn't have many friends (Where did all the homeschooled middle school girls go?), so I want to enable her social life as much as I can. But texting in the presence of actual people doesn't help her make new friends.

 

What sort of limits do you place on texting? Is it harmful? I wonder if I limit the phone to after school hours, she would just instant message online.

 

Thank you for technology parenting help!

 

 

Honestly, most of the homeschooled dc go to ps starting in middle school. As to texting while amongst friends, have you been watching these kids? They are pretty much ALL texting while they are together. Some of them may be texting the person they are sitting beside. REally. They are. The kid without the cell phone to text on is probably just standing there with nothing to do. Silly? yes. Normal? yes. Something to discuss? Pretty simple to do. Explain how you feel about it. Make sure she realizes how rude it can be to text and ignore the real live people. However, I haven't found texting to be harmful. It has actually been quite beneficial to my kids.

[JBJones]

I'm over here thinking about the irony.............I wish my DD had someone to text...................

[Koerarmoca]

Dd14 and my niece (12) sit and FB message each other while sitting next to each other..(not on phones)

It's so dumb to me...just talk goofballs lol

[Murphy101]

I get that this is what "all the kids do".

 

In my house, that simply is not the deciding factor in whether a behavior is allowed. There is lots of stuff that many or most kids do these days that I'm not okay with bc I view it as unhealthy or just bad habit formation.

 

In my house, excessive texting is one of those things. I think it is also much harder for a middle schooler to control the habit, so we don't permit cell phones until they are 16+.

[zoobie]

It has only been a week. It's a very new toy. :)

 

Mine are not that age, so in a few years I could be thinking this advice sucks, but I would give her some limits. Stress how rude it is to text while around other friends. Out somewhere, phone should be off and put away for emergencies. Give her times to text chat. Where does her BFF live? Could they get together IRL more? I do think it is a growing problem that kids will not know how to communicate directly with other humans. I admit that I greatly prefer texting over phone conversations but miss face-to-face interactions.

[weederberries]

I agree that it is not too late to set some boundaries. You can use the above link for some guidelines for ideas. I don't agree with all of them, but I think it is a good starting point.

[besroma]

I agree with Ellie.

 

However, if you decide you want to let her keep it, some plans allow you to set a limit on the number of texts your child makes. I would set a limit for the month. If she uses her limit the first week, or first hour, she has to wait until the next cycle before she can text again.

 

I would definitely take the phone if she continues to text in the presence of others she should be communicating with.

 

[Tracy]

Texting in front of friends is rude. If she doesn't understand that, she is not mature enough to have a phone.

[cavscout96]

I witnessed this several years ago while on vacation in Chicago. Very sad actually. We were visiting the Museum of Science and Industry (fascinating place). We were there nearly all day and crossed paths with teh same family at least a half-dozen times throughout teh course of the visit. The young son (7ish) was enthralled at the place, the daughter (13ish) spend the ENTIRE time with her head down texting. I don;t think I saw her talke her eyes off her phone all day. I was amazed she did not trip and hurt herself as she was texting and walking the entire time. Really pretty sad when you think of all she missed that day.

 

On an related note, as a parent of two daughters, I find this activity somewhat dangerous. I often see girls/women walking in parks, sidewalks, malls, parking lots, etc. texting and oblivious to everything around them and making them easy targets for predators. Personally, I'm disinclined to allow my daughters a phone at all (easy to say when they are still in grammar school).

 

I'm proabbly also a little biased since I'm required to carry a blackberry for work and recieve e-mails and calls at all hours. I hate it, but my wife hates it even more as it often interrupts converstions, dinner, reading time with the kids etc. so I probably have a natural distaste for the leaash created by mobile devices.

 

-CS96

[Down_the_Rabbit_Hole]

I can understand a teen needing a cell phone but why all the bells and whistles? A phone for emergencies or to set plans when out, the house phone is for friendly calls..

If the phone is capable of more then calls I would not pay for it, let them.

A pay as you go phone that will cost $$$ if texting is abused will put a damper on it.

 

I HATE seeing people of any age walking around texting. It is rude, plain and simple.

[Unicorn.]

It's how kids communicate now. She just needs to have some lessons in txting etiquette.

1. You don't txt other friends when hanging out w/ in person friends. (dd turns her phone off, so I have to txt her friend if I need to get ahold of her. :p )

2. No txting during meals

3. No txting during family time

4. phones off at the movies

5. no txting after 9 pm (or whatever time you normally wouldn't call someone.. ds and his gf txt later, because the both have late schedules, and it is parent approved to txt until 10. )

6. No txting during school, except maybe during lunch

 

add other rules as necessary. Like others have said, it's a new toy... she just needs to read (or have read to her) and understand the proper use agreement!

[fairfarmhand]

FB is considered lame partly because it has been so invaded by the older generation. KIds text instead.

 

Texting is life for a teenage girl. To not be able to text very much puts them in a somewhat isolated position. I have to admit, I don't get it but...

 

We do put limits when and where our dfd can text...only certain times in the evening during the week and a little more time on the weekends. For us texting time is the same as computer time so texting counts against her free computer time.

 

I haven't read the book another poster referred to but I do worry about how being so connected all the time without break is going to affect people. I have the same concerns about FB. It's like drive-by relationships.

.

But I figure it is something we can only keep under control, not extinguish.

 

Also, you did say her phone was new. Even I was fascinated when I first got an iPhone and that was after complaining about my youngest DS and his father texting for 10 years.

 

One things for sure - this generation is going to get osteoarthritis in their thumbs at a fairly young age. :ohmy:

My dd cannot self-regulate these things. Our rules are friend-communication between 2-6 pm, if schoolwork is done to my satisfaction. If I notice that she is doing nothing but sitting on her can texting/e-mailing/etc. for FOUR SOLID HOURS I will crack down with more severe limitations.

[Unicorn.]

I can understand a teen needing a cell phone but why all the bells and whistles? A phone for emergencies or to set plans when out, the house phone is for friendly calls..

If the phone is capable of more then calls I would not pay for it, let them.

A pay as you go phone that will cost $$$ if texting is abused will put a damper on it.

 

I HATE seeing people of any age walking around texting. It is rude, plain and simple.

Most people don't have home phones anymore. I only know of 2 of my kids friends that have home phones. We have one, but calls and txts are "free" cell to cell, but calls between our house phone and their cell are not.

[Joker]

Most people don't have home phones anymore. I only know of 2 of my kids friends that have home phones. We have one, but calls and txts are "free" cell to cell, but calls between our house phone and their cell are not.

 

Yeah, we got rid of our home phone line about five years ago. Most every number we call is a cell.

 

I'm also one of those annoying people that is sometimes seen walking and texting since while dh is at work that is his preferred method of communicating. If he texts me, I will usually text back no matter what I'm doing (unless I'm driving of course). I don't quite get how walking and texting is rude, though.

[brendag]

I have a couple of friends who have seen people in their early-mid 20's get fired from good jobs because they ignored/abused the texting policy. I've also been in the restroom of restaurants a few times and seen young females standing in there texting. Who knows if they were really on their official break or not...still eww though. :p In fact, that was why one of the employees got fired...consistently "going to the bathroom", but getting caught texting in the restroom. Crazy! The boss said she had enough to worry about without "babysitting".

 

Not that the OP has to worry about the above, but I wonder if this is more common than what we realize? I imagine there is a lot of lost productivity due to texting, emailing, web surfing, etc.

 

We only had 1 phone line growing up (and no call waiting) so there was no way I could tie it up for hours by chatting on it. My friends and I actually got together and talked. :D I don't have to worry about it for awhile though, although I am sure I will be putting limits on it as that is how we roll around here.

[daijobu]

Thank you, everyone, for your thoughts and good sense advice. Fortunately, dd is amenable to limits and we have discussed some and in the future we will negotiate as needed.

[xixstar]

Our limits:

 

Set hours for texting: after school and homework and early enough to not interfere with sleep.

 

No texting while with other people. This should apply to out with friends too but I can't police that. If in the car, no texting unless you're in the very backseat alone. None at meals or anything like that either.

 

The hours restriction keeps things in check the best but it is still a staggering number each month.

[cavscout96]

Yeah, we got rid of our home phone line about five years ago. Most every number we call is a cell.

 

I'm also one of those annoying people that is sometimes seen walking and texting since while dh is at work that is his preferred method of communicating. If he texts me, I will usually text back no matter what I'm doing (unless I'm driving of course). I don't quite get how walking and texting is rude, though.

 

 

dangerous moreso. you become a target

[Joker]

dangerous moreso. you become a target

 

 

Thanks for the warning but I was already a target when I was younger (before cell phones and texting). What was the reason for me being harmed then?

[kiwik]

Are txts really free there. Here you get a certain number according to your plan (can be quite high) but then they are about 20c each. Do you have pre pay options so she has a ration for the month and then the phone can only be used to receive or make calls to emergency services until the next scheduled top up?

[Joker]

Our plan is free mobile to mobile calls and texts. So, as long as were communicating with another mobile device it is free.

[cavscout96]

 

Thanks for the warning but I was already a target when I was younger (before cell phones and texting). What was the reason for me being harmed then?

 

 

I have no idea, but if you can be targeted while NOT distracted by a phone, why put yourself in a situation where you are not fully aware of what is going on around you?

[boscopup]

Are txts really free there. Here you get a certain number according to your plan (can be quite high) but then they are about 20c each.

 

 

A lot of plans these days have unlimited talk/text/data (though unlimited data really means 2 or 5 GB, then you get slower data).

[Lolly]

Are txts really free there. Here you get a certain number according to your plan (can be quite high) but then they are about 20c each. Do you have pre pay options so she has a ration for the month and then the phone can only be used to receive or make calls to emergency services until the next scheduled top up?

 

Our plan has unlimited texting. Texting without it is far too expensive. Everyone I know has a plan with unlimited texting, so texting (while not actually free) doesn't cost any extra in the monthly bill. Phone calls from cell phone to cell phone can get quite expensive if you go over our minutes. Honestly, I know very few people who use their cell phones for actual phone conversations the majority of the time. Most just text instead. There are many benefits to texting instead of talking. It is less disturbing to the people around you. I hate having to listen in on peoples' phone calls when they are out in public. It is more private to text. My kids can talk to their friends with me beside them and not have to hide in a closet like I did growing up. Dh can understand what is being said in a text. His hearing isn't the best, and he much prefers to read the information on his phone than someone trying to scream it through the phone at him= less misinformation. Also, if you ask me to meet you at 1:30 for lunch and get mad because I am not there at 12, I have proof. I love texting.

[Haiku]

We battled texting with my daughter for several years (and she didn't get a cell phone till she was 15). She had no understanding of cell phone/texting etiquette (despite our best efforts). I pulled over once and made her walk when I picked her up from school but she couldn't be bothered to converse with me and was texting with a friend instead. At 18 she is a bit better, but there were big chunks of time when she had no phone because we took it.

 

I think12 is too young to have unrestricted access to texting and the Internet. I'd dump the data plan and let the phone function as just a phone with no texting.

 

Tara

[Mimm]

 

 

I have no idea, but if you can be targeted while NOT distracted by a phone, why put yourself in a situation where you are not fully aware of what is going on around you?

 

 

This is silly. I'm not walking down dark alleys at night texting. I'm walking through walmart while pushing my cart slowly (paying enough attention so that I don't run anyone over). I'm sorry texting bothers you but me texting my family on my phone when I'm not hanging out with anyone else isn't rude or dangerous. Personally, I think it's much more polite to text in public than to talk loudly on the phone subjecting everyone else to your mundane or personal business.

[Erin]

Texting is life for a teenage girl. To not be able to text very much puts them in a somewhat isolated position. I have to admit, I don't get it but...

This doesn't make any sense to me. How do you think teens without phones (and yes, there ARE teens without a phone) communicate and avoid isolation?

 

I just asked DS13 if he understands why he's not allowed to have a phone yet. "Because you're evil and mean?"

lol

 

But he did manage to come up with our actual reasons--

1. I don't need one, though it would be really handy, Mom!

2. the sexting thing? (Yes, because kids often make rash decisions and can't take them back).

3. Because everyone with a phone is rude?

(Not everyone, but what do most of your phone-owning peers DO when they get together? --Sit around and text)

Dad and I just want you guys to have some age on you so you'll know how to use it responsibly when you finally do get one.

[cavscout96]

This is silly. I'm not walking down dark alleys at night texting. I'm walking through walmart while pushing my cart slowly (paying enough attention so that I don't run anyone over). I'm sorry texting bothers you but me texting my family on my phone when I'm not hanging out with anyone else isn't rude or dangerous. Personally, I think it's much more polite to text in public than to talk loudly on the phone subjecting everyone else to your mundane or personal business.

 

 

 

I'm talking about people texting in parks, while walking down sidewalks, in parking garages, etc. You're right noone is proabably going to attack you in Wal-Mart, but that was not what I was talking about. Just beacuse YOU don't "walk[ing] down dark alleys at night texting" doesn;t mean that there are not young girls who do not understand the risks they are taking.

[Julie Smith]

With talking and texting I think it is dangerous but due to not paying attention. As in accidentally walking into a car, wall, fountain, ...

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wl0JojWH1rQ

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

It's only been a week, give it time. Have her read various articles online about texting etiquette. Common Sense Media might have a kids guide.

 

If after a month or so (though with summer coming hrm) she is still texting non-stop then have a talk about slowing it down some. It's new. It's exciting to have the option now!

 

I am more laid back on this issue. If you don't like it then cancel the option for texting on her phone. Otherwise just let her text. It's okay to say not during school hours but texting is here to stay until the next big thing takes over. My boys turn off their (shared) phone during school hours.