So I made us a budget...

[MedicMom]

Proving that with some creativity, I could be a stay at home mom.

DH immediately shot it down.

I knew before we married that he did not want to be the sole wage earner, but I was in a very flexible position then that I left just a few months ago. It never came up before because I was able to take time off or limit the hours and days I worked if I needed.

 

Totally different situation now. I work 24 hours on getting around two hours of sleep on average, come home and am the sole parent for the next 24 hours while DH works, and then we are together the third day except DH sleeps almost all day then. He doesn't understand why I am so tired because he has that day of sleep whereas I am alone with the kids on my first day off. It is not unusual for me to go 36 hours without sleep. Our schedules can't change and I have not had luck finding another job.

 

I guess this is probably a JAWM post though I don't mind suggestions. I am just really wanting to be home with my kids even if we have to cut back financially, but I know DH will never go for it. He grew up right above the poverty line because his mother chose to stay home, and he can't see the benefits he had, only the drawbacks.

 

I am just really disapointed and so, so weary...

[Erica in OR]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

 

Erica in OR

[Starr]

:grouphug: One can't go forever without sleep.

[justamouse]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[Jennifer3141]

Your DH gets to veto a job that means you go 36 hours without sleep?

[MedicMom]

Your DH gets to veto a job that means you go 36 hours without sleep?

 

He doesn't care where I work, so I would quit this particulate job if I found something else. Just nothing else is turning up. He is not comfortable being the sole income provider. I knew this long before we got married, but it never was an issue until now. I don't expect him to change, but something here has to give.

[BarbecueMom]

I'm sorry. I have a friend in a similar situation, EMT married to a medic, with small children. Even though she's not working on a truck full-time, it's still challenging. I hope you find something that works for your family. I'm assuming you've looked into dispatching. It's not necessarily stable hours (hello 7-hour turnarounds) but the shifts would be shorter and more flexible. Maybe.

[coralloyd]

So sorry you are dealing with this. I hope your dh comes to see the benefits of you staying home. You're in my prayers.

[*lifeoftheparty*]

Well, he'll be the sole provider if you die or are incapacitated because if health problems brought on by severe lack of sleep, right?

 

I'm not usually like this, at all, but in this situation, here's what I would do:

 

DH, I love you, but my children are a huge priority in my life, and they need me to be around for a long time and that won't happen if we keep this up. We have 2 options:

 

1) I stay home with the kids and you bring home the bacon, provide for your family without whining. Aka. Be. A. Man.

 

2) I file for divorce and take you to the cleaners. I get the house, alimony and child support and stay home with the kids anyways.

 

And I'm dead serious.

 

[Jennifer3141]

He doesn't care where I work, so I would quit this particulate job if I found something else. Just nothing else is turning up. He is not comfortable being the sole income provider. I knew this long before we got married, but it never was an issue until now. I don't expect him to change, but something here has to give.

 

 

If you regularly go 36 hours without sleep, it will become irrelevant. You will make a mistake that affects your ability to do your job and thus your licensure. Have you mentioned that to your DH?

[Koerarmoca]

Oh my, that is dreadful!! Praying a better solution arises quickly! I would be one hot mess of a mama if I got that little sleep!

[happymomofboys]

Well, he'll be the sole provider if you die or are incapacitated because if health problems brought on by severe lack of sleep, right?

 

I'm not usually like this, at all, but in this situation, here's what I would do:

 

DH, I love you, but my children are a huge priority in my life, and they need me to be around for a long time and that won't happen if we keep this up. We have 2 options:

 

1) I stay home with the kids and you bring home the bacon, provide for your family without whining. Aka. Be. A. Man.

 

2) I file for divorce and take you to the cleaners. I get the house, alimony and child support and stay home with the kids anyways.

 

And I'm dead serious.

 

This was my first thought too, though I'm not proud of it.

 

I realize that my situation is completely different from the OP's. I wouldn't have married my husband in the first place if he hadn't agreed that I would stay home with our kids. It was a deal-breaker for me. I work really hard to be a good steward of our finances and, because of that, even though DH lost his job last year I am able to continue to stay home while he goes back school. I teach my kids that we're all on the same team, but we can't all play the same position. Every member contributes in his or her own way.

 

ETA: I think OP should seriously consider hiring a nanny to care for her children on her first day off. If he gets to sleep on his first day off, so should she.

[Catwoman]

He doesn't care where I work, so I would quit this particulate job if I found something else. Just nothing else is turning up. He is not comfortable being the sole income provider. I knew this long before we got married, but it never was an issue until now. I don't expect him to change, but something here has to give.

 

Yes, and what has to give is HIM.

 

Why is this his decision to make? Why does he get the final say in it?

[QueenCat]

If you regularly go 36 hours without sleep, it will become irrelevant. You will make a mistake that affects your ability to do your job and thus your licensure. Have you mentioned that to your DH?

 

:grouphug: That's exactly what I was thinking...

[MomtoCandJ]

Does he know the costs of child care and the other expenses because you do work??? I don't work because of child care costs. The expense would totally negate anything I would other wise make

[fraidycat]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

For one month, on the 3rd day, HE gets up with the kids and you sleep all day. He might change his tune, then.

 

If he refuses to even do that, then I'd go with what *lifeoftheparty* suggests. I can only imagine the resentment and strife that is growing due to his refusal to even listen to you.

 

Of course I do have the luxury of approaching this from my position - that of a SAHM.

[QueenCat]

Honestly, I would insist that if you are to continue working, child care must be in the budget for you to sleep for 8 hours. As in 8 hours of actual bedroom time.. so more like 9-10 hours of childcare.

[Mandylubug]

You need sleep! You can not be a happy, functioning parent without sleep. I agree with atleast getting childcare for you to grab some sleep.

[Catwoman]

Honestly, I would insist that if you are to continue working, child care must be in the budget for you to sleep for 8 hours. As in 8 hours of actual bedroom time.. so more like 9-10 hours of childcare.

 

 

That's an excellent idea.

 

I don't know why people have the ridiculous notion that the dh "works hard so he needs his rest" or "works hard so he needs time by himself to decompress when he gets home," but the mom should always have enough energy to work long hours and then come home and take care of the kids. :glare:

 

I have even heard people come right out and say that it's "natural" for the mom to take care of the kids, even when she's exhausted and her dh doesn't have nearly as much responsibility or stress. GRRRRR!!!!! :angry:

[MrsBasil]

:grouphug: :grouphug:

 

You need sleep. I know!

 

Would your DH consent to paying a daycare provider so you can sleep or would he stay up on his first day off to care for the kids? I know you can't control him or what he says, but he should be willing to give a little for your health, sanity, and the ability for you to *keep* your job.

[happymomofboys]

That's an excellent idea.

 

I don't know why people have the ridiculous notion that the dh "works hard so he needs his rest" or "works hard so he needs time by himself to decompress when he gets home," but the mom should always have enough energy to work long hours and then come home and take care of the kids. :glare:

 

I have even heard people come right out and say that it's "natural" for the mom to take care of the kids, even when she's exhausted and her dh doesn't have nearly as much responsibility or stress. GRRRRR!!!!! :angry:

 

 

I have never understood the mentality that some people have that staying at home isn't a real job that earns a real wage. If she's doing a job that her husband would have to pay anyone else to do, then she's working and her wage is whatever money is saved by not having to pay someone else to do it. If she's having to work outside the home to earn a paycheck, then come home and keep her kids while her husband gets to sleep on his day off, then he's basically getting her childcare services for free. She absolutely should hire someone to do that job and make him pay for it.

[StephanieZ]

Well, he'll be the sole provider if you die or are incapacitated because if health problems brought on by severe lack of sleep, right?

 

I'm not usually like this, at all, but in this situation, here's what I would do:

 

DH, I love you, but my children are a huge priority in my life, and they need me to be around for a long time and that won't happen if we keep this up. We have 2 options:

 

1) I stay home with the kids and you bring home the bacon, provide for your family without whining. Aka. Be. A. Man.

 

2) I file for divorce and take you to the cleaners. I get the house, alimony and child support and stay home with the kids anyways.

 

And I'm dead serious.

 

 

Ouch. OP clearly knew what she was getting into when she got married and had kids.

 

That response is just cruel to the husband, and surely awful for the op and kids. You do know that post-divorce, it is the kids and wife whose living standards plummet, while the husband's rises? That the courts would expect the wife to continue to work as she had, and would not allocated alimony for her to stay home, since she has not already been doing that. Further, the dh may well get half if not full custody. They will all suffer. And, if dh capitulates due to her threat to destroy their family, that will surely damage their marriage for ever. Marriage requires mutual respect and trust, not threats.

 

I am all for moms staying home, and I do it, but if that was clearly not the deal in OP's marriage, it is unfair on all levels to threaten to take away a man's family when the wife changes the rules.

 

Your babies are very young. This is a very hard age for many families insofar as sleep is concerned.

 

Personally, I'd say, be sure not to make more babies for now, since money is tight and you are not on the same page with dh about family and work balance. Let the babies grow up, the money stuff settle, and try to be sure you are in agreement about these things before adding to the family.

 

Bide your time. In a couple years, it'll be a bit easier to get your sleep. Everything is easier when you can sleep.

 

Then, try to find a job that is more livable. Did you choose to leave the previous job (that your post makes sound more livable)? Why? Was your dh on board with that? Can you go back?

 

Meanwhile, talk to dh about the short term of just the next two or three years, while your kids are so young. See if you can compromise with you working fewer and/ or better hours for a while, with the understanding that you will renegotiate in a year or so, and that you aren't demanding to leave the wage earning on dh permanently, but just for a time.

 

If you believe in your one-income budget, see if you can prove it by living with those limits right now and banking the second income. If you can prove it works in a few months, with a stash of cash in an emergency fund, dh might be more willing to see things your way.

 

Good luck.

 

 

[Joanne]

OP, my perspective on staying at home changed after I had kids. Well, it started changing after the first pregnancy test turned up with a positive. ;)

 

It's a *significant* change and impacts a marriage heavily. What I am not comfortable in your situation is that he gets the default "say", and your physical self care needs are being neglected.

 

The "my way or divorce" post, while full of passionate advocacy for you it not how such an ultimatum will play out and it won't nourish a marriage I assume you want to keep.

 

I do think that your desire to be at home needs to be honored, even if that is not what ultimately happens. He needs to *hear* you, as you've heard him (it comes through your post).

 

It also needs to be said that your change in perspective is YOUR change, and that you knew his perspective - and that you've thrown the agreement a curveball.

 

And then both of you have to man and woman up and respond maturely to both perspectives. You might need help with this.

 

{{hugs}}

[brehon]

 

 

If you regularly go 36 hours without sleep, it will become irrelevant. You will make a mistake that affects your ability to do your job and thus your licensure. Have you mentioned that to your DH?

 

 

I agree. You simply cannot ignore the fact that people's lives are on the line when you operate on so little sleep. This is true clinically and operationally. You know this.

 

Likewise, your children need a rested, well momma.

 

I work your same schedule; I *know* how hard it is. You're going to crash and burn if you don't get enough quality rest. If your dh won't hear you, then show him a budget when you factor in childcare for your first day off. At this point it's not optional. He's going to be the sole wage earner if you can't do your job either because you've become too sick from exhaustion or your license has been revoked due to an MVC you caused or a medical mistake.

 

It's normal to re-evaluate stances and ideas during a marriage. Nothing is set in stone, including your dh's beliefs.

[SunnyDays]

You're right, something needs to change. You can't go long term without sleep. And yes, it irks me when people think dads need rest but somehow the moms can just keep going and going, like that insane bunny.

 

Ask your husband this: what's his solution? And not in a "my way or the highway" manner... but seriously, what does he propose?? Put on the table this fact: you cannot keep this schedule any longer. He didn't like your solution... have him offer some up.

 

Together you may decide that you can find something out of your field that's part time; that you can hire a sitter or take the kids to a care provider to be able to sleep on those "off" days; or that things really would work better if you stash some savings, and make a plan that in X weeks, you'll give your notice, with an agreement to look for something else down the road if it really gets too tight.

 

You *have* to take care of yourself, and you have to stand up for what you need here!! :grouphug:

[kiwik]

I think you have two separate problems. On the day after you work you need to sleep. If you continue this job employing someone for eight hours to watch the children must be factored in. The day before you go back to work your husband gets his sleep, you do something together then your husband takes over while you get before work sleep.

 

in the meantime you look for a part time job bearing in mind you may have to use some form of care some days.

 

You cannot continue to function on so little sleep and if your husband has a problem with hiring someone perhaps he would like to tray looking after the kids for the third thirst while you go and sleep at a friend's place.

 

Hugs

 

 

[Melissa in Australia]

I have no advice

just some hugs :grouphug: :grouphug:

[Melissa in Australia]

I have no advice

just some hugs :grouphug: :grouphug:

[kwickimom]

All I can say is that you can bet if I wasn't getting sleep-neither would he. I would be sending my kids to wake him up on that 3rd day.If you both work then all sleep is equal and all chores and child raising are equal.

I would tell him that I am "not comfortable" raising my kids and working on no sleep. I would then tell him if he wants to sleep then I will quit my job and allow him to do so :001_smile:

[MedicMom]

Just a few quick things...

1) DH was very clear before we got married that he wanted me to work. Full time, part time, at home...didn't matter. He grew up just this side of poor and it really affected him. DH is also going to be out of work for an extensive amount of time with hip surgery at some point in the next few years, and while we are saving in anticipation, he has concerns that it might happen sooner than we expect. If I am working we will be okay financially, but if I were to quit there are no guarantees I would find a position while he was off. This is a big deal to him.

 

2) we have no childcare expenses right now. He wouldn't mind hiring someone for a few hours so I can sleep, we just haven't found any. I could take them to one of their grandmas, but that brings an entirely different set of problems.

 

3) DH feels like I just pulled a bait and switch on him, and I understand that. I am totally overwhelmed and can't keep doing this.

 

Edited to add....DH's solution is that his mom takes the kids my first morning off work. I never nap more than four hours, so just the morning might be workable. He HAS started getting up with the kids the night before I go to work, so I am always well rested at work.

I am feeling like there is never enough of me to go around. There are so many things that I want to do with my kids and house that I simply don't have the energy to do.

[Cinder]

I hope you and your dh are able to work this out. :grouphug:

[*********]

Well, he'll be the sole provider if you die or are incapacitated because if health problems brought on by severe lack of sleep, right?

 

I'm not usually like this, at all, but in this situation, here's what I would do:

 

DH, I love you, but my children are a huge priority in my life, and they need me to be around for a long time and that won't happen if we keep this up. We have 2 options:

 

1) I stay home with the kids and you bring home the bacon, provide for your family without whining. Aka. Be. A. Man.

 

2) I file for divorce and take you to the cleaners. I get the house, alimony and child support and stay home with the kids anyways.

 

And I'm dead serious.

 

I find this advice to be... unfortunate and inaccurate. You don't seriously think that wives can just decide to divorce their husbands, and then the courts hand them the house, the kids, and enough money from the dh to stay home, do you? That's not how it works. Not to *mention* what divorce does to the children.

 

OP and her husband have a lot more options than the two you suggest. And both of your options put all the onus on the husband to rectify the situation. That seems rather one sided, especially given the fact that OP is the one who is wanting to stay home now, when she fully admits it was very clear from before marriage that her dh did not want the responsibility of being sole wage earner.

 

Honestly, I would insist that if you are to continue working, child care must be in the budget for you to sleep for 8 hours. As in 8 hours of actual bedroom time.. so more like 9-10 hours of childcare.

 

This seems like much more level-headed advice to me. OP, I'd think you should sit down with your dh and negotiate a new schedule that allows for both of you to get adequate sleep. That might mean changing when both of you sleep/who is taking care of the kids, it might mean finding someone else to provide child care for a specific time each three day block, or maybe you guys will find another solution that we can't think of, because we're not in your situation. But I really think that communication is key here. You need to find a time to communicate with your dh about your needs. Not in an attacking way, like "dh you've caused me to be at the end of my rope because I'm exhausted and you need to fix it now!' way, LOL, because then (if he's like *my* dh), he'll just go in to defensive mode and not hear you. But try to approach it from an 'WE have a problem, how can WE fix it, since we're a team' sort of way.

[*********]

Just a few quick things...

1) DH was very clear before we got married that he wanted me to work. Full time, part time, at home...didn't matter. He grew up just this side of poor and it really affected him. DH is also going to be out of work for an extensive amount of time with hip surgery at some point in the next few years, and while we are saving in anticipation, he has concerns that it might happen sooner than we expect. If I am working we will be okay financially, but if I were to quit there are no guarantees I would find a position while he was off. This is a big deal to him.

 

2) we have no childcare expenses right now. He wouldn't mind hiring someone for a few hours so I can sleep, we just haven't found any. I could take them to one of their grandmas, but that brings an entirely different set of problems.

 

3) DH feels like I just pulled a bait and switch on him, and I understand that. I am totally overwhelmed and can't keep doing this.

 

Oh medicmom, I really feel for both you and your dh here.

 

I totally get where he's coming from. But at the same time, you need to explain to him that it's NOT a bait and switch. It's more a matter of 'I had no idea what I was committing to before we actually *had* kids', you know?

 

I'm not encouraging you to quit your job. While I'm all for moms staying home, I think it's also important to respect the fact that that doesn't work for everyone's marriage. And it's clear that that won't really work for yours, at least right now, based on the agreement you and your dh had before you even got married.

 

Don't lose hope. I can't remember if you're a Christian or not, but I'll share this. My dh and I both assumed, before marriage, that I'd continue working after having kids. It wasn't really something we discussed much, but we both had professional careers, and having a career was something I was very proud of at the time. Back then, I was a different person, and quitting work to be a stay at home mom just wasn't on my radar.

 

But then I gave birth, LOL.

 

What I'm saying is, things change. People, circumstances, thoughts, feelings, ideas; they change. The hard part comes in when one person in a marriage has a big change that the other partner isn't on board with. But I can tell you that if the Lord wants you to stay home, he can change your dh's heart about it. Now, that's different than if you are willing to keep working but just need *sleep*. Sleep is essential for ALL of us, and you and your dh just need to negotiate/figure out something where you both get sleep if you're both going to continue working. But if what's in your heart is that you really want to be home with the kids, and that's what the Lord has for you, then I'd encourage you to be in prayer over it a lot.

 

:grouphug:

[DawnM]

I am sorry. Honestly, I would recommend some counseling if your DH is willing.

 

I could not live the way you are living. Well, maybe in my 20s, but not in my 40s. I have to get sleep!

[Chris in VA]

My first priority would be finding childcare. ITA with Bethany about playing for Team Marriage, but honestly, if you have your own money (IOW if you make money working) then I wouldn't ask, I'd just do it. "Dh, I really need to sleep on that third day, so X is going to come over and watch the kids from (whatever time to whatever time) while we sleep." Period. Non-negotiable, taken care of, not up for discussion, unless he complains--then you ask what his solution is and accept it or not, depending on whether or not it works FOR YOU--which he CAN'T complain about, since it is his OWN criteria for evaluation, isn't it...I would do that until a new job is found. And really, I'd be looking NOW for something else, because that seems to be your right, and I don't understand how he could, AT ALL, complain about that.

 

Secondly, I would definitely take it upon yourself to start living your proposed, new budget, at least as much as YOU can do. Keep close tabs. Track expenses that go over it. How much are you responsible for things like clothes shopping, grocery buying, etc? If you can keep what YOU do for the family at the budget level you have figured out, then you can see how it feels to live that way. If your new budget would cut things that are "quality of life" in your dh's eyes, maybe you can start to find alternatives, anyway. For instance, if you take a vacation, find a cheaper place that is fun and interesting, and set the info aside--so later, you can say, "If we had gone here, we'd have saved X amt of dollars." If you go out to eat, find a coupon or order something more inexpensive, or research other options, and note the savings. I'm not saying DO it, go the different places, but just have that info ready.

 

Then you can present him with evidence that you CAN make it on a different budget.

 

Mostly, tho, it seems to me he has to do some work healing his past. If his fear of poverty affects him to the point that he is willing to risk your health and the life of his family, whom of course he dearly loves, then it is disfunctional, which just means "not working." It is interfering with his OWN happiness. He must have quite a bit of internal struggle, wanting so much to be a great dad and husband, but fearing something that may not happen--His core value of "having enough" is not going to change, but his perception of what "enough" is, just might, if he finds he can be comfortable and happy with that new perception.

 

Aaaand that's me, Jr. Chipmunk with a merit badge in Marriage Therapy. (lol....)

[Parrothead]

Just quit. Honest to goodness I don't see how your employer is allowing you to work with so little sleep. I'm sure you drive that truck on occasion. How many people's lives are in your hands on so little sleep? Your patient needs X and you do Y?

 

Your dh thinks he has problems now? wait until he is paying for someone else's life, i.e. a liability suit that you are going to lose because you've posted about your lack of sleep on a public forum.

 

You want to quit and take care of the kids? Open a day care or some other home based business. Just because you are trained in something else, don't limit your opportunities. Go to work part time at walmart or some other retail store.

 

If your dh thinks all his childhood problems would have been solved if his mother worked, he needs a reality check. Get him some counseling so he can get over his mommy issues.

[Parrothead]

 

 

3) DH feels like I just pulled a bait and switch on him, and I understand that. I am totally overwhelmed and can't keep doing this.

 

 

This so isnt about him. It is about what is best for his family.

 

And he had better hope he never finds himself changing his mind about anything he said before he got married.

[brehon]

Just a few quick things...

1) DH was very clear before we got married that he wanted me to work. Full time, part time, at home...didn't matter. He grew up just this side of poor and it really affected him. DH is also going to be out of work for an extensive amount of time with hip surgery at some point in the next few years, and while we are saving in anticipation, he has concerns that it might happen sooner than we expect. If I am working we will be okay financially, but if I were to quit there are no guarantees I would find a position while he was off. This is a big deal to him.

 

I understand this is a big deal to your dh. Honestly, it sounds like your dh is basing his thoughts on his past instead of what is *truly* best for the family. Of course, this isn't unusual, though it is frustrating! What are y'all planning for childcare while your dh is recovering from surgery and going through rehab?

 

2) we have no childcare expenses right now. He wouldn't mind hiring someone for a few hours so I can sleep, we just haven't found any. I could take them to one of their grandmas, but that brings an entirely different set of problems.

 

Would having a grandma watch the kids longer on your first day off outweigh any potential problems?

 

3) DH feels like I just pulled a bait and switch on him, and I understand that. I am totally overwhelmed and can't keep doing this.

 

This isn't a bait & switch. It's life. You committed to something without knowing all the facts (how exhausting having and raising children is) AND in different work circumstances. It's normal and healthy to revisit prior committments to evaluate whether or not they're still working for everyone. My dh and I have been married nearly 13 years and have had some major re-evaluations and adjustments.

 

Edited to add....DH's solution is that his mom takes the kids my first morning off work. I never nap more than four hours, so just the morning might be workable. He HAS started getting up with the kids the night before I go to work, so I am always well rested at work.

I am feeling like there is never enough of me to go around. There are so many things that I want to do with my kids and house that I simply don't have the energy to do.

 

I completely understand!

 

 

I don't know how much *quality* sleep you average on shift. I work at one of the busiest stations in my system. I average 3-4 hours of extremely broken sleep per shift. I could not survive with only a 4 hour nap the next morning. Certainly not on a regular basis. However, I 100% certain that I'm somewhat older than you; so, maybe that is a factor. ;) It didn't take me as long to recover from busy shifts or doubles a decade or so ago.

 

I have colleagues who are married and work opposite shifts (A & C, in their case). They have 2 girls older than your kids and simply could NOT manage their schedules without his parents' help. As I recall you have had some issues with your dh's sister and other relatives. Have those improved? Would you trust the kids with the grands (or whomever) for longer periods of time?

[elegantlion]

Well lack of sleep will kill you faster than hunger. Hire that helper if you can't quit and find something else. I hear the emotion in your post, it's hard to not be when you're so tired. Line out the facts for him, the imbalance of sleep, and ask him what he thinks the solution should be. If he's in the medical field too, he should understand how lack of sleep can impair a person's judgment and health.

[MedicMom]

By the time I go back to work, I have had two solid nights sleep and often three, since my kids usually sleep through the night. So I am not working on no sleep.

 

DH wants me to send the kids to a grandma's for the day. I hate asking because I always feel like I am taking advantage, but I may have to. I am also going to talk to my boss today about going part time, but it may be a few months before a part time slow opens.

[Catwoman]

Based on your dh's criteria, if you're pulling a bait & switch because your job isn't working out, than he's doing the exact same thing by needing his hip surgery. :glare:

 

Seriously.

 

You didn't intentionally take a job so that it wouldn't work out, just as he didn't intentionally develop a hip problem and end up needing surgery. Unforeseen events happen. You deal with them and make changes. It's just how marriage works.

 

And hello!!! You're not his mother. Tell him to stop comparing you with her, and your life as a family with his life as a kid. It's not the same. Clearly, you're good at managing your money.

 

Also, will you be paying Grandma for child care? Because if you won't, tell your dh it would be pulling a bait & switch on her to ask her to start taking care of your little ones on a regular basis, instead of letting her just see them when it's convenient for her. Your kids are very young, and babysitting little kids is a BIG job.

 

I'm sorry to sound so unsympathetic toward your dh, but he sounds incredibly rigid about this situation, and he needs to realize that life changes and needs change, and he should try to learn to roll with those changes a bit, instead of digging his heels in and expecting that everything should always go according to his Original Master Plan for Your Marriage..

 

I know you say you're not too tired to work, but you may be too tired to drive home at the end of your shift, and you could get into an accident and get seriously hurt (or worse.)

 

I hope you're able to work something out. I'm sure your dh is a good guy. A lot of men just don't realize how much work it is to take care of little ones. So you have to make him understand.

 

And while you're at it, please make sure he also understands that just because he wants something or expects something, doesn't mean he's always going to get it. Your life doesn't belong to him, and your feelings, needs, and desires are just as important as his are. And if you really want to quit that job, you can most certainly do it. Additionally, if you quit the job for now, it doesn't mean you'll never work again. Your kids are LITTLE. A lot of moms stop working for a while when their kids are young, and then start working again later. It's not an "all or nothing" situation here, so I can't really understand your dh's position.)

[Catwoman]

Just quit. Honest to goodness I don't see how your employer is allowing you to work with so little sleep. I'm sure you drive that truck on occasion. How many people's lives are in your hands on so little sleep? Your patient needs X and you do Y?

 

Your dh thinks he has problems now? wait until he is paying for someone else's life, i.e. a liability suit that you are going to lose because you've posted about your lack of sleep on a public forum.

 

You want to quit and take care of the kids? Open a day care or some other home based business. Just because you are trained in something else, don't limit your opportunities. Go to work part time at walmart or some other retail store.

 

If your dh thinks all his childhood problems would have been solved if his mother worked, he needs a reality check. Get him some counseling so he can get over his mommy issues.

This so isnt about him. It is about what is best for his family.

 

And he had better hope he never finds himself changing his mind about anything he said before he got married.

 

:iagree:

[Mrs Mungo]

ETA: I think OP should seriously consider hiring a nanny to care for her children on her first day off. If he gets to sleep on his first day off, so should she.

 

I agree. If it is HIS opinion that you should work, then childcare and chores must be more equal too. He needs to accommodate YOUR needs in order to make HIS ideal work, NOT the other way around. If YOU are the one pulling the weight of the household, then HE is pulling a bait and switch on YOU. Most people with dual incomes that I know have a more egalitarian arrangement with childcare and housework.

[MedicMom]

DH does quite a bit around the house. Relooking at the budget this morning he is probably right. His income would cover the basics, but there would be no savings, not even a cheap vacation, no money for buying anything extra, even gas station coffee. It would also rely heavily on reducing my student loan payments due to a lower income and qualifying for WIC.

 

We have no credit cards or personal loans and own both vehicles outright, and there is nothing else I can cut out of the budget that I haven't already. I think I am just going to have to take my mother in law up on her offer to watch the kids when I need to sleep.

[MomatHWTK]

By the time I go back to work, I have had two solid nights sleep and often three, since my kids usually sleep through the night. So I am not working on no sleep.

 

DH wants me to send the kids to a grandma's for the day. I hate asking because I always feel like I am taking advantage, but I may have to.

 

 

I am a SAHM and I still send the kids to grandma's one day a week! If you are ok with grandma's care, ask. I would rather impose on grandma, and I do, than have to try to hire childcare.

 

It is a rare circumstance where one can find a solution that is ideal for everyone. If there are options that would allow you more rest, then take them. Give yourself that respite while you continue to pursue other or part-time employment.

 

 

 

I can imagine I'd be in a bit of a panic if Dh and I both worked to make ends meet and he asked me if he could quit his job while he looked for a different one! I'm not sure why it would different if I were the one doing the asking. There is no entitlement in this society for a woman to stay home, even though many of us have that luxury. What if the solution for this family was that DH, who may be out of work for surgery anyway, decided to stay home with the kids so DW could get more rest? Why has no one suggested that?

 

I like staying home, I have the option to do so, but we are also able to live comfortably on DH's income. I'm not sure it is justifiable to condemn a man because he doesn't make enough on his own to pay the bills. (OP, I know you are not condemning him, just looking for solutions. Continue to work with your man-he's your partner in this.)

[Arcadia]

I think I am just going to have to take my mother in law up on her offer to watch the kids when I need to sleep.

 

That is probably the best temporary solution. You need your sleep and kids get a playdate at grandma.

 

What if the solution for this family was that DH, who may be out of work for surgery anyway, decided to stay home with the kids so DW could get more rest? Why has no one suggested that?

 

 

OP's family is saving up for when her husband needs to be out of work for surgery for a long period of time (post #32). They are hoping it would be later than sooner.

[MedicMom]

 

 

 

I am a SAHM and I still send the kids to grandma's one day a week! If you are ok with grandma's care, ask. I would rather impose on grandma, and I do, than have to try to hire childcare.

 

It is a rare circumstance where one can find a solution that is ideal for everyone. If there are options that would allow you more rest, then take them. Give yourself that respite while you continue to pursue other or part-time employment.

 

 

 

I can imagine I'd be in a bit of a panic if Dh and I both worked to make ends meet and he asked me if he could quit his job while he looked for a different one! I'm not sure why it would different if I were the one doing the asking. There is no entitlement in this society for a woman to stay home, even though many of us have that luxury. What if the solution for this family was that DH, who may be out of work for surgery anyway, decided to stay home with the kids so DW could get more rest? Why has no one suggested that?

 

I like staying home, I have the option to do so, but we are also able to live comfortably on DH's income. I'm not sure it is justifiable to condemn a man because he doesn't make enough on his own to pay the bills. (OP, I know you are not condemning him, just looking for solutions. Continue to work with your man-he's your partner in this.)

 

 

We don't know exactly when he will need the surgery. The orthopedist says not yet but within four years. It is the result of an old hit and run accident so will be covered by insurance, but we know he will be off work a while. DH is worried that if I were to quit all together and doc says he needs surgery six months from now, I would not be able to find a position.

 

The reason we can't live on DH's income alone is mostly because I came into the marriage with a lot of student loans and medical debt. If it wasn't for that, we would be okay.

 

Our childcare problems are an epic thread unto themselves. It is a huge problem for my local area....suffice to say there are very few daycares and none that offer part time care.

[Chris in VA]

Our childcare problems are an epic thread unto themselves. It is a huge problem for my local area....suffice to say there are very few daycares and none that offer part time care.

 

I don't know (and don't need to know) where you live, but there are places like Sittercity on the web that can give you a vetted pool of people (they offer backround checks) to choose a part time caregiver from. Also, do you know any homeschoolers who are looking for a little $? You could even trade care if you could work it out. All you'd need is a mother's helper, not a nanny or even a true babysitter, since you will be home and technically available in an emergency.

 

Sorry it's so hard.

[LucyStoner]

 

 

1) I stay home with the kids and you bring home the bacon, provide for your family without whining. Aka. Be. A. Man.

 

2) I file for divorce and take you to the cleaners. I get the house, alimony and child support and stay home with the kids anyways.

 

And I'm dead serious.

 

You may be dead serious but you are also dead wrong. Alimony for a young working mother? In what state? Sole custody awarded to 1 parent? Divorcing someone you made a vow to stay with because you don't get your way is pretty low. Issuing threats and ultimatums to your spouse? Childish to say the very least.

 

Also, FTR, my husband has always been a man...while we both worked, while I worked and he studied, while he works and I stay home. Your definition of manhood being the sole bread earner only is absurd.

 

 

 

 

[LucyStoner]

If going to one income requires financial insecurity (you need savings, life happens, things come up) and WIC, I see why you need to keep some income coming in if possible. Is there anyway for him to work towards increasing his income so that later on, staying home at some point in the future makes more sense? Anyway for you to earn money another way besides losing sleep? Anyway to cut down housing costs to allow more room in the budget? Anything you can do about your student loans and medical debt now to allow you to stay home later? Start living on just his income while you keep working and use your income to pay off that debt?

 

That said, you need sleep. It's not optional. A babysitter, more help with the kids and home from him etc are all more than reasonable.