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Not sure what board? Please HELP...our 3 youngest are adopted Afr.American....

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We have 5 dc. Our oldest is 16 and still being homeschooled (since preschool). Dh put our oldest boy (14) in public school last year so he could continue on with basketball (uggh...very long story!). Our youngest three are black and adopted. Our dd is 10, and the youngest are 5 and 3. Our dd loves sports and is naturally talented at them. Dh is wanting to put her in ps in 6th or 7th grade. He has also started talking about the little boys going to ps for sports. Our 5 yo is the size of at least an 8yo or 9yo boy and our little one seems already to be naturally athletic. I HATE the idea of them going to ps...EVER! It makes me nautious to even think about it. BUT.... I am also trying desperately to be a submissive wife and let God lead through my dh. I feel like I've been fighting against some invisible "force" our whole homeschooling journey. There is so much more that has surfaced and been spoken of by my dh. I really thought he supported homeschooling all this time and was "behind" me. I'm just now learning that he apparently just decided to be quiet about his thoughts and "let me homeschool them". He has not been an active part of our children's homeschool journey for 13 years. I just thought he was trusting me and happy w/ it all. Come to find out, he just didn't really care and was "biding his time" to bring up the ps thing. He said, "Well, I figured the homeschooling thing was okay for elementary and the oldest two were doing okay, so I didn't say anything." I would go on and on about the perils of ps, the benefits of homeschooling, "drag" him to homeschool conference after homeschool conference, etc. etc... He would nod and say, "Mmm hhh." I thought he was being supportive, apparently he just knew how much it meant to me and didn't want to "make waves".....until he "had" to.


The other side of his "argument" for ps is of course the socialization card. He is concerned about "throwing them out there" in college when they've not had any experience with prejudices while we are around to help them through it, defend them, teach them, and prepare them as he says, "for the real world". We live in a predominately "white" community. There are a few minorities in our school system, mostly Hispanic.


Oh, and the youngest two boys have undiagnosed learning/behavior difficulties/disorders(?). I am thinking it is true blue ADD for one of them and very mild autism for the other one. Asperger's has also come up as a possibility. I'm not sure whether to get them tested or WHAT! We think there was some drug abuse with one of the boys' birthmoms, the other boy we KNOW there was, and we also know with our 10yo dd (marijiuana).


So....I need advice on any of these issues that all relate together for my children: Learning disorders, socialization relating to race/prejudice in public school, ps for sports, girls in sports through highschool, dh lack of support, etc.


Thank you so much for any advice!



P.S. Feel free to email me.


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I hesitate to give advice, but can you seek help from your adoption agency? I think they might be the best equipped to deal with some of these issues. Testing is not a bad idea. It can give you clearer insight to some of the behavioral/learning problems and give you assistance and support if necessary. :grouphug: Also, welcome to the boards!

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If dh truly felt that way all along, wow! How remarkable that he was so supportive of something that was very important to you.


If this is still something that is very important to you, then I would address it as such to dh. As a former ps'ed girl, I can confirm that middle school/ JrHigh girls are truly horrid when allowed to run in packs. Being a African American girl in a predominantly white middle schoo/ JrHigh ps with white parent may add to the problem, but it may also be a novelty that causes popularity. You never can tell with pre-teen girls. I digress.


Since dh waited until 14 with ds and since he is wanting to put dd in school for the same reason and if I were in your shoes and assuming that there is still open communication on this topic, I would request (not in front of the children) that dh wait to put dd into school at the same time he put in ds. Explain how much this means to you and why.


However, since dh has supported you without dissent and for so long, if dh is adamant that this is the appropriate route for this dd, it may just be your turn to be supportive and without dissent. A traditional classroom doesn't have to mean the end of your educational or social input for your dc.


Oh, and about the LD issue- having them tested certainly depends on the family. If they receive a label, will that change how they are treated and if so where, when, how and why? Very personal decision.




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Congrats on your adoptions! We've adopted cross-racially as well (though not AA) and have special needs kiddos, so I understand some of the challenges you are facing. :grouphug:


I'd use both this board and the special needs board for your questions. There are many folks on the special needs boards that will kindly and thoroughly answer your testing questions, etc., and you can "x-post" (cross post on two boards) if you need additional feedback. For your more general homeschooling (or hsing vs psing) questions, post here on the general board.


I'm sorry for the challenges you are facing with DH and the ps decision. More so than specifically WHAT you decide, I think it is important that you all talk honestly and come to an agreement. If you cannot come to an agreement, I'd suggest that you follow DH's lead this time. Let him see that you support his feelings as much as he has supported yours, and see how public school works for you and yours. You'll either come to agree with DH or have some solid reasons to disagree with him. Either is valuable, IMO.


Hang in there.

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I don't think taking turns at being submissive can be the best way to function. I think you guys really need to talk it through, except that may be impossible if neither of you are willing to change your mind. Dh may not realise that you hold the opinions you hold because you, with plenty of research, have decided this is the best for your children. He may think it's a thing you do just because you want to do it. Comparing high school to college isn't a good idea. The social environments are very, very different. Also, if the kids have bad experiences at ps, who gets to help carry their load? Is dh going to be the one listening and being the shoulder to cry on? I've noticed my hubby wanting to make decisions which leave him free of the consequences, that's why I mentioned it. Maybe you need to "give it a try" with the understanding that they (any of them) come back home if it doesn't work for them.

Good luck. Submission belongs at the end of the conversation, I don't think you've reached the end of the conversation yet.


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I agree with the other posters that there is probably still a lot of room for calm, respectful argument (as in, exchange of opinions, not fighting!) before you have to worry about submitting.


One thing you might consider: dealing with racial prejudice (like any kind of ugly behavior) is easier if you've spent your childhood in relative security. Most of the successful, socially confident African-Americans I know have been spared the worst kinds of racial ugliness, so that they are able to interact with Caucasian Americans relatively freely. For some of them, it was because they were not in a public school setting (private or homeschool), for others, because they had at least one white parent who could help them process the ugliness as ugly instead of as normal, and for others, because they grew up in other countries, where racism doesn't function the same way as here.


If it were my kids, I would argue that a) you're not going to have to make much effort to expose the kids to racism--it's gonna happen all by itself, thanks--and b) better for it to happen rarely, so that their self-image is not defined by it. Better for them to look at the racist co-worker with uncomprehension and pity than with resignation. Better for them to think, "What planet is this idiot from?" than, "Everybody thinks that way, I know. I'll never find a job where people don't hate me like this."


Think of it in non-racial terms. Abusive, hard-hearted men generally have no power over women who grew up with attentive, caring fathers. Not always, but usually, having grown up without the ugliness makes them recognize the ugly when they see it, and they can reject it pretty easily. It doesn't become part of their psyche, the way it does a girl growing up in an abusive or negligent home. When the obviously mean-spirited guy comes up to the well-adjusted girl at a frat party, she's gonna look him up one side and down the other and say, "You've got to be kidding me."

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