What should I do?

[clarkacademy]

Last summer there was massive flooding in my area a lot of people lost their homes. Animals were displaced even killed. My daughters friend found a little rabbit we live out in the country this was probally someones pet or maybe a meat rabbit not sure. A lot of people had rabbits outside when the flood hit they set them loose. My daughter begged and pleaded to keep it. I warned her it was hard work and I wasn't going to do it. She is almst 16 if that matters on what you would do. Anyway she did really well with the rabbit. She took very good care of it. Up front she knew I wouldn't do it or pay for it. Of course while she went to school I did make sure it was fed and the kids at home would take it out and play with it. Of course when she wanted to go somewhere I had no issue helping out until now. The past few months the rabbit is nothing but a problem between us. She will forget to buy its food so she will feed it my sons gerbil food or stuff out of my fridge. She constantly has to be told to take the rabbit out, play with it give it exercise and clean its cage. She will even argue about it with me. Yesterday she told me she is tired of the rabbit and wants to get rid of it. Part of me wants to just let her but the part of me says no that isn't right. We have almost always had animals cats and dogs but when it comes to things they want themselves like my sons gerbils or my other daughters hamsters I have always been big on making it clear they are their responsibility. Yes I help them change cages and everything like that but they have to take care of their animals. I am very upset she would act this way this isn't like her. My mom says it is a phase she is going through blah blah but, I don't know what to do. Part of me says she is not getting rid of her rabbit it is her responsibility and she can be in trouble till she straightens up. We have never treated animals like disposable things they are our family and I really don't want her acting like this. Do I let her get rid of it or make her buckle up and take care of her responsibility. Remember this was a choice she made not something I brought in here to give her.

[Chris in VA]

Hmm, I am not sure.

 

I think my gut tells me I would not use a living thing to teach my child a "lesson" at the expense of that living thing's comfort or safety.

[clarkacademy]

Hmm, I am not sure.

 

I think my gut tells me I would not use a living thing to teach my child a "lesson" at the expense of that living thing's comfort or safety.

 

The rabbit is cared for it isn't mistreated it is just the arguing I get and the having to remind her. That is what I don't want.

[Tess in the Burbs]

I don't see an issue with a bunny being sold to a good home. Dog/cat are different IMO. But if she puts out an ad at a pet shop and interviews people wanting a bunny and takes that part responsibly then yes, find the bunny a better place to be.

 

But obviously any future pet desires can easily be answered with no :-)

[Chris in VA]

I didn't mean to sound harsh. I'm just saying if you don't want to take care of it and she won't, then maybe it's best to pass it on to someone else who will. If you are looking for ways to make your dd take care of it without arguing, I can't offer any--I'm sorry it's hard. I guess I've just learned that I can't control someone's behavior, only make it very uncomfortable thru consequences for them to behave that way. But I feel too much of that destroys the relationship. So, sorry, I don't have anything for you.

[Tess in the Burbs]

I agree, your relationship is more important than a bunny. You cannot change people. Bunny goes=less fighting about it. Just let it go when the bunny goes

[Danestress]

I think her obligation to the rabbit is to either provide it a good home or find someone else who will. If she won't do the former, I would certainly allow her to do the latter. I think she can feel fine about doing so. But I would make her do the searching and vetting of a new home. And I imagine rabbit homes are hard to find, so in the meantime, the arguing over rabbit care is likely to continue.

[clarkacademy]

I didn't mean to sound harsh. I'm just saying if you don't want to take care of it and she won't, then maybe it's best to pass it on to someone else who will. If you are looking for ways to make your dd take care of it without arguing, I can't offer any--I'm sorry it's hard. I guess I've just learned that I can't control someone's behavior, only make it very uncomfortable thru consequences for them to behave that way. But I feel too much of that destroys the relationship. So, sorry, I don't have anything for you.

 

No you didn't sound harsh at all I welcome any advice. So if I say fine get rid of your friend other than of course no pets is there anything else I should do? I have never seen this behavior from my kids before, we are big animal lovers here. Her mindset right now is also falling over onto other things as well. Not her school she is straight a but her chores and just a crummy attitude about everything. I don't think she hates the rabbit exactly she is just lazy right now and I cannot handle the arguing. I almost think she said that thinking I would step in and be like oh no I will take care of rabbit.

[sparrow]

Personally, unless I had my own attachment to the rabbit, I'd let dd find another home for it, if she can. If she could not find a home, which seems likely, I would care for it.

[clarkacademy]

I don't see an issue with a bunny being sold to a good home. Dog/cat are different IMO. But if she puts out an ad at a pet shop and interviews people wanting a bunny and takes that part responsibly then yes, find the bunny a better place to be.

 

But obviously any future pet desires can easily be answered with no :-)

 

I think after a while she will regret giving him up. I worry about if I let her get rid of him what will that teach her in the long run? When things require effort she will just say forget it? Maybe I am looking too much into this. I mean if she had only had bunny for like a week or something and said look this is too much I can't do this I would totally understand but bunny has been here almost a year.

[clarkacademy]

Personally, unless I had my own attachment to the rabbit, I'd let dd find another home for it, if she can. If she could not find a home, which seems likely, I would care for it.

 

This is very likely most people do not like to take an older rabbit as a pet. A lot of people in this area also eat them. Not judging I just don't think she should get ate as she has been a pet all this time it seems horrible to have that happen.

[Chris in VA]

Hear are some other thoughts I had--

 

Have you talked with her in a quieter, less emotion-filled moment, and asked her about her ideas how to solve the arguing?

There's the "technique" of telling you how you feel (without accusing her or saying something like "you MAKE me feel..."), and sort of owning the problem (your problem), and asking for help and ideas about how to solve it.

 

Sigh--I'm not good at this, so take it with a grain of salt...

 

Maybe something like,

"Autumn, I am really feeling stressed and uncomfortable with all the arguing we've been doing over (name of rabbit--don't call the bunny IT or "the rabbit," make it personal).

I feel scared that, if I let you find another home for (name of rabbit), I will be encouraging you to be lazy in other things, and that character trait will make you unhappy as an adult. Also, I want you to be able to persevere thru things that require you to be a little uncomfortable, like sometimes putting others before yourself. I think taking care of (rabbit's name), even when you don't want to, is a good way to teach you that.

What do you think?"

 

Maybe something like that could let you both express your frustration and hear her frustrations, too.

 

Something else--She's kinda at an age where I'd be expecting her to start pulling away a bit, in order to form her identity. If your family culture is one that highly values animals and taking care of pets, could she be trying to assert that she's not quite on board with that?

 

Other thoughts--

 

How "perfect" do you expect her behavior to be? Oh my, this is personal--I don't mean to attack your parenting AT ALL--I don't even know you! I guess I'm just asking if she's allowed to be pissy sometimes--to be real, to not like doing things and be able to express that in an appropriate way, but held to either do them anyway or discuss alternatives.

 

Anyway, that's on my mind today. Good luck with it all.

[unsinkable]

Just throwing this out here...based on something Chris wrote...yeah, it's all Chris's fault.

 

Let her complain about caring for the bunny, but only after she has done the work. I agree with Chris about letting kids be real and to not have to love e everything but to do what you have to do. If you need to complain about it, fine.

 

We had this rule after sporting events my kids played in. They could say whatever they wanted in the car ride home...all the anger, frustration, disappointment, even finger pointing. We'd listen to it all. No judgment at that time.

 

After they got it all out and calmed down, everyone's be ready for a more reasonable evaluation of the game.

[RoughCollie]

It would be a lot easier to give the rabbit away. You wouldn't have to endure these arguments with your DD, and she would be happy not to have the responsibility. I think that is sending her the wrong messages: If she doesn't want the responsibility, she can get rid of a pet, and if she argues with you long enough, she will eventually wear you down and get her way.

 

If I were you, I would enforce a consequence every time my DD did not properly care for her pet. It would not be a so-called natural consequence because the pet would suffer. It would be the removal of a privilege that is very important to DD, like no computer, iPod, *and* cell phone usage for X amount of time. The consequence would be in effect until she had properly cared for the rabbit for a week, and I would continue to do that until the rabbit was well-cared for, without drama. This is a matter of the comfort and well-being of a helpless living creature, so while my DD was without her technology, I would pick up the slack for caring for the rabbit so he did not suffer. I would not argue with my DD at all, and I would not put up with her drama.

 

I have a 17 year old DD and we have gone through several cycles of me being a jack-booted thug mom. It started when she was 15 and refused to do her schoolwork (she is in PS). Several months in advance, I told her that if she didn't do it, she would not get to go the annual JROTC Military Ball. She didn't go, to her great amazement. Since that semester of doom, she has passed every course, mostly with A's and B's, except for one that I will explain below since I'm long-winded.

 

We've had several of these situations. Several months ago, I told her I would not buy her any more clothes until she had been taking care of the ones she has for quite a while, certainly more than a couple of weeks. It is a simple situation, and a fair one because I spend a lot of money on her clothes and I should not have to replace them simply because she won't take care of them. All she has to do is her laundry, plus put away her clothes neatly, instead of leaving her entire wardrobe on her bedroom floor. I warned her that if an emergency arises and she Needs clothes for something, she won't get them if this situation has not been resolved for a month.

 

She ignored all this until Wednesday, when she had to wear a pair of shorts to school. I told her they were too short and she'd get into trouble for violating the school's dress code. Sure enough, she got sent to the principal's office repeatedly throughout the day. Lucky for her, the shorts were about 1/4" too long to be a violation.

 

Well, she didn't like suffering natural consequences of not having anything to wear. When I picked her up from school, she informed me that after her appointment, I willt take her to the mall to buy two pairs of capris so she'd have pants to wear on Thursday and Friday. She had a lot to say about her wardrobe, which is quite large, and chosen by her. After her appointment, we went home. She did not talk to me further about it because I said I would pull over until she stopped talking about it. She did a load of laundry and on Thursday morning she wore a pair of jeans to school. There are still several large, overflowing, baskets of laundry for her to do.

 

My point is that my DD will not give up until she gets her way. I am real clear about what will happen if she doesn't do what I tell her to do, and those consequences are severe. I stand my ground. I don't argue with her. I use the broken-record technique of repeating my edict. Often, I send her to her room because I don't want to listen to her endless spiel about how unfair I am.

 

DD told me yesterday that she has discovered that if she puts in slightly more study time, she can make A's in one of her classes instead of D's. She is a senior who may not graduate in June, until after she retakes the class in summer school, unless she can maintain a 95 average in it this quarter. Oh well. This time around, since she is 17 and not 15, she gets to suffer the natural consequences of her actions. I don't make sure she studies because next year she will be in college and she has to be able to handle it without mommy standing over her.

 

We have a good relationship, btw.

[AK_Mom4]

I'm sort of a selfish person and if I didn't feel like taking care of the bunny myself, I would insist that DD found a good home for it.

 

I agree with all the lessons learned and all, but I don't add additional work for myself (since I'm like you and wouldn't let the bunny starve or go uncared for!) Make her be a responsible pet owner and find a good home for it.

[Ghee]

Take this with a grain of salt, but I'd have HER make up fliers for rehoming the rabbit, put up a craigslist ad, etc. I wouldn't, for any amount of money, force her to keep it. The rabbit, albeit well cared for, doesn't sound like its getting much out of the relationship, and neither is your daughter. I would, probably, forewarn her not to request another animal for a while....possibly a really long while, depending on how you feel about it.

 

I've given up animals before, due to varying things. Once because I went back to work and didn't have time to do the heavy maintenance they required, once because it was a stray dog that my husband brought home and it turned out to be a horrible fit for our family (I think it must have been abused or something because every time someone new would come over she'd cower and pee all over the place), once, about your daughters age even, I got a Pekingese who I had NO business having and took him right back to the pet store almost immediately. I've yet to give up one of my kids, though, and they are for more trouble than any animal has ever been ;) I wouldn't worry that this will teach her to give up, but some things you do need to move on from (after making sure the rabbit is somewhere it will be taken care of).