"It's horrible!"

[songsparrow]

My daughters both have a tendency to put down the work that they do. My younger daughter was just drawing some pictures, and when I complimented her on one, she said, "no, it's horrible." My older daughter does this all. the. time. Even when she is initially pleased with something that she did, within 24 hours she completely changes what she says. As an example, she took 2nd place in a piano composition contest in her age group. Her piano teacher told her that the competition was really stiff this year, and that she beat out the person that won the competition last year. When she first told me this, she was excited and proud of her accomplishment. But 24 hours later when she was telling her grandmother about it, she described her composition as awful.

 

I have discussed with her the need to accept compliments graciously (to just say thank you, instead of arguing with the person giving the compliment).

 

But is there anything else that I can do - other than replying that "It *is* good" or "Well, I like it."

[ktgrok]

maybe explain to her that if you praise it, and she then says it is horrible, she is bascially saying you have bad taste in paintings. So that is insulting to you. Maybe that would change how she reacts?

[corduroy]

Is your kid possibly very talented? A lot of talented kids (and adults, for that matter) are very self-critical about their creative work and don't really trust the value of explicit praise. Have you tried the thing where instead of directly complimenting her work, you just describe what you notice, and then let her compliment herself? "I see that you used yellow and green over here to give the tree's shade color. That's interesting. What made you decide to paint it that way?" etc. Also, the "trick" where you praise effort instead of result is sometimes helpful. "You worked so hard on learning that piece. You practiced every day for almost an hour! You must feel really good about all the effort you put into this recital."

[songsparrow]

Is your kid possibly very talented? A lot of talented kids (and adults, for that matter) are very self-critical about their creative work and don't really trust the value of explicit praise. Have you tried the thing where instead of directly complimenting her work, you just describe what you notice, and then let her compliment herself? "I see that you used yellow and green over here to give the tree's shade color. That's interesting. What made you decide to paint it that way?" etc. Also, the "trick" where you praise effort instead of result is sometimes helpful. "You worked so hard on learning that piece. You practiced every day for almost an hour! You must feel really good about all the effort you put into this recital."

 

 

I know to do this, but I think I needed a reminder - thanks! I will be more careful to give them concrete comments rather than general praise.

 

On reflection, I also realize that they mostly do this in areas where they are not 100% pleased with or confident in their work. For example, if they have done something that that they are pleased with, they will happily show it off and accept compliments on it. But if it is not up to their standards, they reject the compliments. I will try to get them to discuss what it is about their work that they are not pleased with, and try to get them to identify any parts that they do like. I do want to try to help them to realize that although there may be something that they'd like to change or improve, it doesn't necessarily mean that what they have done is completely horrible, either.

 

And maybe I need to take their comments as hyperbole, as just an exaggerated and dramatic way of saying they're not pleased or confident in what they've done.