Just remembered a reason people care about which college, one nobody talks about...

[stripe]

Ah, now I see. Quite a set of nesting dolls! I got stuck puzzling over the Ethiopian part and missed the minstrel part. That word made zero sense to me in that context. I've always connected minstrel with white but I failed to connect Ethiopian with black. I'm so clueless sometimes.

Ha! I am not sure any of that stuff made much sense at the time, and it's even weirder to puzzle out nowadays, when so much of the context is missing. I was just reading in Searching for Zion, something about the rise in popularity of the term Ethiopian, despite most African Americans' origins being West African. Strange how once you see something, it seems to pop up everywhere.

[FaithManor]

Well, dh and I did meet at college though he was attending a different one than I - introduced by acquaintances.

 

Hmmmm...many of my friends did as well.

 

However, dd did not meet her intended this way. He is a graduate of the Art Institute of Philadelphia. She is at U of M. They met through a mutual friend who had relatives near her fiance which is how he knew our soon to be son-in-law.

 

As for ds, his tippy top choice school is MTU for it's software engineering department and freshman research program plus the 250+ companies that offer internships to their IT students. Well, he also loves the north, winter outdoor sports, the rugged and remote aspect of the school, etc. The ratio currently stands around 75% male and 25% female. He has no desire to date and if he is accepted - very likely since his stats are quite nice and this is a safety school for him anyway - he wants to enter into their intensive 5 year program through which he will graduate with his Master's Degree by the time he is 23. He told me he's pragmatic...no time for girls. Good thing dh and I haven't worried much about the marriage aspect.

 

Ds number 2 has a list of five schools that are his top choices - all public U's due to his interest in a double major in ecology and biology with an emphasis in zoology (limiting his choices to 12 schools nationwide and Cornell out off the bat because they no longer give merit aid and we can't afford them without scholarships). He'll be in environments in which dating would be an easy thing to do. However, this kid is so hyper focused on his goal of having his master's and PH.D completed by the time he is 28 or 29, and he's really determined to spend some time in Indonesia doing research following grad school, that he claims he absolutely cannot have romantic entanglements. He's 14.5, so I'm waiting to see if that changes. But, the ds that is 16.5 really shows every sign of being serious about pursuing education and career first and has the maturity to back that up. So, we'll see if this holds for either of them.

 

Youngest ds? I could easily see him being an eternal bachelor. He is math, astrophysics, and engineering oriented to the point of virtual obsession and he's a shy, introvert too. If ever he has a date in this lifetime, it will be because some female pursued him so relentlessly that he finally decided to give in just to get her to leave him alone and then after staring at her for the better part of a couple of hours with not much to say, he might become intrigued and decide to talk to the "alien" across the table. :D

 

We didn't set out to grow boys like this. Dh and I married at 20 and 24 respectively...he had graduated at 23 and worked for a year before the wedding. I graduated with my BA at 20, three weeks before our wedding. My parents married straight out of high school and dh's parents met in college and married immediately during his mother's senior year. All of my cousins and dh's sibs, married very shortly after college graduation with two of my cousins marrying just after high school graduation. I guess my boys will break the marry young streak!

 

So, I guess we haven't really considered the marriage aspect of a college being a "good fit". But, that said, I do know three rather conservative couples that do believe the only reason to send their daughters to college is to get their M.R.S. "degrees" as they put it. I do feel a little sorry for their girls - that's a lot of pressure. One wants to be a large livestock veterinarian and she is so talented with horse, sheep, and llamas, that it's startling. She needs to land at MSU and attend vet school there since that's the preferred institution for large livestock research in Michigan. But, her parents will only allow her to attend a small Bible college. They will not give her any of her college fund to attend anywhere else. Her sister wants to go to cosmetology school and eventually own a salon. However, she isn't being allowed to do that either because this will not "provide her with a husband". The other two families are of the same opinion. They prefer Bible colleges with a fairly even gender spread and one in which it's reported that a high percentage of the women are engaged by senior year. Definitely, some people consider this. I'm just not certain how many do. We don't have personal friends who do.

 

Faith

[creekland]

Faith... my guys were similarly focused and now oldest is getting married this summer... ;) and his plans for overseas may be changing. :confused1:

 

We'll see what happens to my younger two.

 

My life changed once I found my beau. Sometimes I regret not pursuing my original dreams (space science) but most of the time I absolutely love where I am (part time working at school - full time spouse and mom). I went off to college thinking I'd stay single forever as I'm not a "typical" lady nor ever want to be one. I didn't count on meeting a wonderful guy who loved that aspect about me. Even then... he was in love (with me), etc, long before it was mutual.

 

I wonder what all of our lives (and our kids) will be like 10 years from now. One of my best friends from high school never planned to get married nor have kids. She has three now - and a spouse. In our teen years we have such plans - but I doubt most follow those paths exclusively.

 

I feel for those kids who are sent off to college to find a spouse. I'd have been killed young had I been born in a place where females actually had to be "female" as per someone else's definition. I don't think I'd have made it past 4.

[FaithManor]

I feel for those kids who are sent off to college to find a spouse. I'd have been killed young had I been born in a place where females actually had to be "female" as per someone else's definition. I don't think I'd have made it past 4.

 

 

You and me both. I was so hyper focused on music - piano in particular - that if something else had been required of me because of the plumbing I was born with, it would have been torture.

 

Allowing me to be me, allowed me to accept dh. Truthfully, had there been pressure from my folks to be "traditional" I would never have given him another look or anyone else for that matter. But, when I was 3 and begging for piano lessons, my parents heard the call and never looked back. If I chose to practice six hrs. per day every summer instead of be a regular kid, that was okay with them too; it would have been okay to take off and go play softball with the neighborhood teens as well. They were supportive and that was the important thing. I have that determination on behalf of my kids. If the boys want to bach it for a long period of time, mom and dad will embrace that wholeheartedly. If they suddenly find themselves thinking about marriage and family, we'll embrace that too. No pressure. Probably the ONLY pressure there is for middle ds is TO NOT HAVE SNAKES AROUND HIS HUT WHEN I VISIT HIM IN INDONESIA! This is NOT negotiable! :D

 

I don't regret giving up my music performance career for dh and the kids. I love being his life companion and motherhood more than I thought I would. I enjoy the couch surfing teens that come and go looking for guidance and love, as well as the teens that sit around the table discovering that it's not that hard to learn to factor polynomials when a caring teacher takes the time to explain it properly and the textbook she has offers good examples! It is not the life I thought I would have, but I think it's probably much better! However, I would have rejected the possibility of it if my parents had tried to force me into a traditional mold.

 

That's my rub with the "M.R.S." degree and boys being raised to think the minute they get a decent job they better be putting a ring on someone's finger and producing heirs. I.hate.that. But, I do see a lot of this kind of pressure within the local, conservative community.

 

Faith

[Nan in Mass]

Ha! I am not sure any of that stuff made much sense at the time, and it's even weirder to puzzle out nowadays, when so much of the context is missing. I was just reading in Searching for Zion, something about the rise in popularity of the term Ethiopian, despite most African Americans' origins being West African. Strange how once you see something, it seems to pop up everywhere.

 

I do know that term. My family hangs on to books and I've read enough from a few generations back to have run across it. It never made sense to me. Côte d'Ivoire I could see, but Ethiopia? I vaguely remember thinking that it was being used as a polite term for people with dark skin, no matter what their origin, by people whose only education was Sunday school. Or that was the only education that stuck, anyway. I just missed the minstrel part and was having trouble seeing what the connection was between women wanting to be men and a country in Africa. Stump is another word that I understand in certain contexts but was associating with axes in this particular one. Too bad the connection with trees didn't lead me to things that drop on you when you look up and from thence to leapords lol.

 

Nan

[creekland]

They were supportive and that was the important thing. I have that determination on behalf of my kids. If the boys want to bach it for a long period of time, mom and dad will embrace that wholeheartedly. If they suddenly find themselves thinking about marriage and family, we'll embrace that too. No pressure. Probably the ONLY pressure there is for middle ds is TO NOT HAVE SNAKES AROUND HIS HUT WHEN I VISIT HIM IN INDONESIA! This is NOT negotiable! :D

 

Same here, except it's my youngest with the snake love...

 

I don't regret giving up my music performance career for dh and the kids. I love being his life companion and motherhood more than I thought I would. I enjoy the couch surfing teens that come and go looking for guidance and love, as well as the teens that sit around the table discovering that it's not that hard to learn to factor polynomials when a caring teacher takes the time to explain it properly and the textbook she has offers good examples! It is not the life I thought I would have, but I think it's probably much better! However, I would have rejected the possibility of it if my parents had tried to force me into a traditional mold.

 

And in my "alternate career" today I've been helping kids see that they can do y = sqrt (9 - (x-4)^2) + 2 and come up with an answer easily (center and radius of the circle). This question was deemed too hard and orders were given "skip it" by the math folks here. (sigh) It boggled my mind when I saw the orders. It's NOT difficult.

[J-rap]

I heard about that whole story on NRP. Interesting!

 

I met my husband at college, though I was not looking at all.

 

Both my son and oldest daughter met their future spouses at a school... my son while working at one, my daughter while attending one. It was a school that brought together young adults of similar beliefs, so I guess it's not too surprising they would hit it off with someone. Neither of them were looking either, and it never occurred to me that they would meet someone! I guess I was naive.

 

HOWEVER, since I have seen how it happens, it has gotten me thinking more about it for my youngest three. For example, my oldest daughter went to school in Latin America and met her husband (a Latin American) there. Now they are living there! So, maybe I don't want my children going to school faraway afterall! haha :) For my youngest, I have jokingly told her that she has to pick a school in our state (increasing her chances of settling here someday).

 

My middle daughter goes to a private, all-girls college. Sometimes I think about her meeting the "right one," someday. We've always told our children they should never feel pressure to marry, that it's not for everyone. And, this particular daughter I can see as being very independent and pursing a challenging career before she considers marriage. She most likely will not find a future life-mate where she is at now. She's still in a great place, but it's interesting to think about.

[freesia]

Well, my grandmother, mother and I all went to women's colleges, so that wasn't a question here.LOL

 

Of my grandparents, parents, 2 siblings, 11 cousins there is one couple that met in college and married (and they were at an Ivy LOL).

 

I don't think many parents nowadays are thinking of college as a place where people meet their potential spouses.

[Jenny in Florida]

I've never worried especially about my kids finding a mate in college (maybe because I found mine in elementary school?). However, we have talked to our kids about the fact that going to college may help position them to live a life that will put them in touch with people with whom they may be compatible.

 

Truthfully, my husband and I have both spent a lot of time in our lives feeling lonely and isolated. We're both smart people who did not get the kind of formal education we probably should have pursued. As a result of that (in combination with the fall-out of some choices we made when we were young), our professional opportunities have always been limited, my husband's especially. We don't have the money or, for lack of a better word, the polish necessary to move in the social circles in which we would be more likely to find friends with whom we would share more of our interests and our selves.

 

Our experiences are a large part of the reason we've so strongly encouraged our kids to get into the best college they can and then pursue things they love while there, to follow their hearts and their passions, rather than worrying about employment prospects. We want them to meet others who share those things, people with whom they can make meaningful, lasting connections based on something real. We also want them to position themselves to do things they love for a living, which will also allow them to be surrounded by others who love those things, too.

[shawthorne44]

I almost met my husband while in college and I am so glad I did not. We got the same degree at the same time, and his was from the college that I decided against at the last minute. He was a dog then, and I would have hated him. We crossed paths but didn't meet several other times, and fortunately we didn't meet until he was ready to settle down.

[freesia]

I almost met my husband while in college and I am so glad I did not. We got the same degree at the same time, and his was from the college that I decided against at the last minute. He was a dog then, and I would have hated him. We crossed paths but didn't meet several other times, and fortunately we didn't meet until he was ready to settle down.

 

That's funny. I almost met mine, too. I had the application ready to go when I found out I was accepted to my first choice Early Decision. He is 3 years younger and I probably never would have considered dating him. LOL

[*LC]

TtMy senior has mentioned it. However, it was part of a "this is such a huge decision" discussion. She is convinced that where she goes to school will determine where she works for the rest of her life, where she will live the rest of her life, if she gets married, who she will marry, etc. While there is some truth to what she was saying, I tried to explain there are numerous paths that end up in the same place. She did not buy it.

 

In full disclosure, I met my husband, a fellow student, while I was a freshman at the university she will attend this fall. He loved college, and I don't think he would have graduated if I had not graduated and moved. My parents met in biology class while they were students there also.

[TravelingChris]

I met my dh in college but I didn't go there to get married. I thought when I went there I would never marry. Then I met dh in my second year. We were married the fall after I graduated. I am not one who told the kids to waiit to get married. DS is almost 24 and is not married. DD is 19 1/2 and is engaged to a student at a rival college. They won't get married for a few years.

[Tullia]

I met my dh in college and a lot of our friends met spouses that way too. However, the only people I knew who were consciously using college as a way to meet a possible spouse joined fraternities and sororities.

 

Ds' situation is different. He's at a school where the male to female ratio is about 3:1, and most of the students seem to be too busy for dating. I recently overheard a conversation among some young people in their early 20's about people marrying at 26 being in "too big a hurry." When I married at 25, most of my friends were already married and several had children.

[Nan in Mass]

However, the only people I knew who were consciously using college as a way to meet a possible spouse joined fraternities and sororities.

 

Well that's an approach I wouldn't have thought of lol.

I wasn't so much thinking that the students would be aware of the possibility of meeting their future spouse in college as I was of the PARENTS wanting a certain college for their children for this reason. I began the thread right after several discussions about why one would want one's child to go to a prestigious school and this aspect occurred to me - the whole "meet the right people" "make the right contacts" thing carried to the extreme.

 

Tulia, when we married in our early twenties, we were the first of our friends by a long shot to do so. A really long shot. Like ten years long. And those who married, waited still longer to have children.

 

Nan

[Tullia]

Well that's an approach I wouldn't have thought of lol.

I wasn't so much thinking that the students would be aware of the possibility of meeting their future spouse in college as I was of the PARENTS wanting a certain college for their children for this reason. I began the thread right after several discussions about why one would want one's child to go to a prestigious school and this aspect occurred to me - the whole "meet the right people" "make the right contacts" thing carried to the extreme.

 

Tulia, when we married in our early twenties, we were the first of our friends by a long shot to do so. A really long shot. Like ten years long. And those who married, waited still longer to have children.

 

Nan

 

Ah, I see. BTW, I did read your first post but obviously meandered off-topic of parent intentions. However, now that I think of it--some parents were fairly heavily involved in the Greek system if my former roommate's experience was in any way typical. She was what I think is called a "triple legacy"-- joined the same sorority as her mother, an aunt, and grandmother. Her family was from a southern state; old family very status conscious. It was an interesting, eye-opening semester until she moved into the sorority house. Roomie was almost never in the dorm so I took lots of phone messages. :lol:

[Nan in Mass]

Ah, I see. BTW, I did read your first post but obviously meandered off-topic of parent intentions. However, now that I think of it--some parents were fairly heavily involved in the Greek system if my former roommate's experience was in any way typical. She was what I think is called a "triple legacy"-- joined the same sorority as her mother, an aunt, and grandmother. Her family was from a southern state; old family very status conscious. It was an interesting, eye-opening semester until she moved into the sorority house. Roomie was almost never in the dorm so I took lots of phone messages. :lol:

 

All the interesting discussions meander lol.

 

I spent a year in a southern college. The college had enough sense to put the northern students together on one hall, so the shock was mitigated somewhat. I left with an abiding distaste for the Greek system. I'm sure there is Greek and there is Greek and things may have changed with the times, but what stuck in my mind were the cars sent by the frats to pick up freshman girls and bring them to the more distant frats with no thought of providing transportation home, the grain alcohol mud-slides, and the slaughtered chickens. Frats would not occur to me as a place to find one's life mate lol. The only thing I knew about the sororities was the counseling we received at freshman orientation, sort of damage control ahead of time, about how not to be crushed when one rushed and wasn't accepted. Not exactly endearing but definately eye opening. I arrived at college attached, which was something of a problem until I paired up with someone else who was also attached. It was hard to do anything without a date. As I said, culture shock, coming from my background where we ran aound in a mixed group and it didn't matter whether one was paired up or not. (It wasn't all bad. I loved the formality and the sense of tradition.)

 

Nan

[creekland]

 

Tulia, when we married in our early twenties, we were the first of our friends by a long shot to do so. A really long shot. Like ten years long. And those who married, waited still longer to have children.

 

Nan

 

Same here. We married right after hubby graduated and I still had a year to go. Absolutely no regrets here. When you've found the right one, why wait? Our friends (from college) all got married later - not always 10 years later, but later. Some high school friends got married before we did, but they didn't go to college.

[GailV]

We talk about choice of college in terms of what friends dd will make there, but not actually in terms of a spouse.

 

Aside from the purely social aspect of finding lifetime relationships, we still keep in touch with friends from college, and some of them are in the same industry as dh. By default it sort of becomes an Old Boy Network because when a recruiter calls and you're not interested in the position they're offering, you think about so-and-so who you've known for decades who has followed a similar education/career path, and give that name to the recruiter.

 

Also, we've met many people who went to the same school, are in the same basic industry, but we did NOT know them while at school. But since we had similar experiences from back in undergrad days (and can talk about professors, classes, sports teams, dorms, etc.), we can form a bond more quickly. And, again, that becomes part of the network.

 

An interesting connection I recently discovered is that a friend from my high school (I went to a very tiny high school) is good friends with one of dh's study partners from college. Those are fun things to discover, and I hope dd has the chance to find those sort of connections in future decades.

[Susann]

Oldest dds college is 80/20 male and youngest dds college is 60/40 with both being known for engineering. Dating pool wasn't on our radar when they applied. However, what we have noticed/they've commented on is how well they're both treated by the male students. I think they're especially aware of it after visiting/hearing stories from friends at other schools.