Are we obligated to purchase a wedding gift in this situation?

[Samiam]

Background: DH's father split when DH was 2, and had no contact with him until DH was 18...and then it was sporadic. The father has been more involved since we've been married and had children...he wants to be a grandfather...and he's a pretty good one when he visits. We see them (them being the father and wife) about twice a year, when they make the effort to come see us. We don't make the effort to go to them, DH just isnt that interested, they have fragile health, and not able for us to stay in their too-small house..so the gas/5 hours/hotel expense is not something we could normally do. They always acknowledge our children's birthdays, etc. They are as good as grandparents as they can be, I guess, from that distance, and with the lack of interest from DH to reciprocate.

 

So the father had a daughter with the wife...DH's half-sister. She's about 10 years younger than DH..so about 30. We saw her a few times when she was a teenager and dragged along to the visits to us. Fine enough. As she grew up, we've not had any contact with her...again, DH's lack of interest in that side of family, and apparently her lack in interest in us as well, so we've not seen/spoke to her in 10-12 years, no hard feelings, really just no emotions at all, essentially strangers with a father/DNA in common. Father and wife will share news of her when they visit. Soooooo.....we were gathering from clues in conversation that she is gay...but it's never been flat-out spoken to us.

 

So we get an email from the father..saying daughter/sister is getting married in Virginia ( or some state up north that allows for same-sex marriage) and shares the new spouse's name...female....so it's essentially confirmed what we had thought. I respond with congratulations and said if they were having a reception/party in the home state, let us know..perhaps we could try to make it. He responded that they were, in 2 weeks, and we were invited, but the sister was not inviting children.

 

1. We couldn't attend with that amount of notice even if we wanted to. DH works a weird schedule, 3rd shift, and rotating work days...he's not a M-F 9-5 worker. So he would have had to get that day off, and doesn't have that vacation time left from what we've already scheduled for the year. And he would have had to gone to work the next night, after driving 5 hours home. So a go up on Saturday 5 hours, come home on Sunday 5 hours kinda trip.

2. No children.....so I'm driving five hours and leaving my children in a hotel by themselves? Umm, no. On the other hand, not sure that we were prepared to have that conversation with our younger children anyway...so not as if we would have wanted to bring them to a same-sex marriage reception. (let me just say, to avoid argument....to each his own, I am not judging on that, but just not wanting to explain to my young children)

 

I responded that we couldn't attend due to DH's work (left out the children issue) , but asked if they were registered. Father told me where they were registered at a few stores..

 

Now, DH asks why I would consider giving them a gift? He says the sister didn't even, not once, contact us herself, or invite us. It was the Father doing all the contacting/inviting, which probably means sister had no interest or care if we attended or not, so why would we extend ourselves?

 

BTW, we are on a TIGHT budget, so a $30-50 wedding gift is a hit to our funds. Would you purchase a gift in this situation?

[dangermom]

I think a card will be fine. You don't have any obligation to give a gift ever.

[Catwoman]

Well.... You sort of shot yourself in the foot when you essentially invited yourself to the reception, and then once you realized you couldn't attend, you specifically asked if they were registered, so you made it sound like you were planning to send a gift.

 

So... I don't think you are obligated to send a gift, but I wouldn't be surprised if the bride will

be expecting one. That said, if your dh doesn't want to send a gift, I think you should respect his wishes -- particularly because you are on a tight budget, and you don't have a relationship with her anyway. Next time, though -- be careful before you obligate yourself.

[justasque]

I don't think the gender of the couple makes any difference whatsoever as far as how to handle the situation.

 

I think a card would be lovely, if you make sure to include a hand-written note wishing the couple well and expressing regrets that you could not attend.

 

At the same time, different families are different when it comes to gift-giving protocols, and it might be wise to consult dh's father to see what his advice is. You certainly don't want the lack of a gift misinterpreted. If you do choose to send a gift, check the registry to see if there is something small yet beautiful.

[Desert Rat]

You are never obligated to give a gift. It's a gift. However, I always side on the side of being the better person.

[MrsBasil]

SInce you asked about both the reception and the registry, it couldn't hurt to take a look at the registry and see if there's something you could afford. I got married young(or not depending on who you ask, but I was 21), so many friends couldn't really afford big gifts. I had plenty of $5-15 items on my registry that I appreciated. A card, of course, would be fine. If sending a gift is too expensive, a donation to a charity the couple supports can be a nice.

 

I know your DH was surprised about the gift and you aren't obligated, but since you brought it up...it would be a nice gesture.

[Khselee]

To be honest, I would not send a gift, and I might send a card. Yes, you know about the wedding, but there is no relationship between you and the daughter, and there is no interest, reciprocal or otherwise, in establishing one. The invitation was such that I would wonder if you were truly invited, or an afterthought since you were speaking to your DH's father rather than either of the brides.

 

While sending a gift would be a nice gesture - it is a gesture toward establishing or maintaining a relationship. I would let the event pass, more likely than not. I know I am in the minority, but I have actually been the bride in a very similar situation (although my end was slightly more involved), and I expected nothing from those whom I had not invited directly. In my case, though, I actually had to corral the mad inviter, and have said inviter contact people and rescind invitations, as our venue would hold no more than those whom we had already invited.

[BigMamaBird]

In my opinion you are never obligated to send a gift. Once you are required to give something it ceases to be a gift and becomes an obligation. The whole point of a gift is that it is something you want to give willingly. So no, you are not obligated to give anything.

[J-rap]

I would probably send a card with a nice note in it. If you ever visit them in person, you can bring a little house warming gift or something. The reception sounds quite informal anyway. I mean, it doesn't sound like you received a formal invitation or anything. I think a card would be just fine, given all the circumstances.

[mytwomonkeys]

obligated? no. but if you can afford it, give a gift. that's what i would do. it doesn't have to be expensive. giving a gift for a wedding is just a kind thing. if it will strain you financially, just give a card.

[Heatherwith4]

No you're not. But I think a card would be nice.

[Harriet Vane]

A card is completely fine. Doesn't matter that you asked about the registry. You're not attending and you don't have much of a relationship. Send a warm, kind card and leave it at that.

[Ellie]

You are never obligated to give a gift. A card would be nice.

[GSOchristie]

I personally would send a card with a gift card to the place where they registered. I would do whatever would not stretch my budget, even if that was only $10.

[Danestress]

Yes. I would. It is not an obligation, but I still would.

[xixstar]

No obligation but I think that I like to keep doors open for future possibilities. I have a half-brother I've met once as an adult and we tried to kinda talk/have a relationship/etc but since I suck at maintaining my close family and friend relationships, it's fallen away. But I still often wish I had more of one, but don't lament it either. Having options in the future, sounds like it could be nice but not going to really stretch for it either, right now. In a few years, I may care more. :)

 

So, I would happily send a card and either a small gift (hey, shipping is $$ or include a gift card) if it is my budget to do so. I wouldn't worry so much about the formal invite or anything, even if it was just 'Bill/Pop told us of your good news, congrats.' because a gesture like that would make me smile if roles were reversed.

[Parrothead]

You are never obligated to send a gift. The brides are not obligated to expect one.

 

The wedding is in two weeks. The brides are probably very busy making arrangements, so the parents are making calls for their side of the guest list. It is a little unusual, but perfectly normal.

 

No you don't have a relationship with the brides, but you do have a relationship with one of the brides' parents. The same relationship would be there if you received an engraved invitation. Just as in any other wedding the bride and groom (or other bride) issue so many invitations, and the parents of each are allowed so many. They are being kind to invite you and your dh to their wedding. Your husband is being a pill.

 

The right thing to do is to send a gift. You have up to a year to send a wedding gift. Or perhaps a card and a gift for their first anniversary. All parties involved should know that in this economy not everyone can come up with money for a wedding gift on short notice. And two weeks is short notice for a wedding. If they receive a gift 4, 6 or 8 weeks after the wedding they shouldn't be shocked.

 

As for the children, it is not uncommon for children under 16 to not be invited to a wedding. Family and friends of the brides should realize that they have not given away guests time to make arrangements. The standard is 4 weeks for traveling guests. They should not be disappointed if you can't go.

[Pippen]

I would probably send a card with a nice note in it. If you ever visit them in person, you can bring a little house warming gift or something. The reception sounds quite informal anyway. I mean, it doesn't sound like you received a formal invitation or anything. I think a card would be just fine, given all the circumstances.

 

 

This is what I would do.

[gardenmom5]

irrespective of the dynamics - wedding gifts are not obligatory. you are especially NOT obliged to purchase a gift if you can't afford one. anyone saying you should go into debt to purchase a gift is not someone to whom I would bother sending a gift.

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

There is no obligation. If you wish, send a card.

[bettyandbob]

Like Cat said, I think you put yourself in a position where someone might expect you to send a gift. You asked about a reception and you asked where they were registered. Had you not done those things, I'd say just send a card, but you've muddied the water. I don't think you are obligated to send a gift, but you made it sound like you were going to send a gift so not doing so could be even more noticed. It might not. Your FIL might not tell his dd about your inquiries and he probably won't ask for a detailed list of presents and givers.

 

Since it sound like sending a gift is a real stretch, then just go ahead and send a card. Hopefully, nothing awkward comes out about it later.

[Element]

A card is completely fine. Doesn't matter that you asked about the registry. You're not attending and you don't have much of a relationship. Send a warm, kind card and leave it at that.

 

 

I totally agree with this.

 

I don't think the gender of the couple makes any difference whatsoever as far as how to handle the situation.

 

 

I agree. A wedding is a wedding; I'm pretty sure the same etiquette rules apply.

[Laurie4b]

I think you can acknowledge them as your children's grandparents, even though dh doesn't acknowledge his father as a father.

 

The children's grandparents have told you something special is happening in their family. Often wedding invitations are for friends of the parents of the bride or groom who may not actually have a strong relationship with the bride or groom, especially if the friendship was developed later in life. They are including you. That is kind. I would respond to their kindness with kindness.

 

A lot of wedding invitations are for "adults only." It irks me, but that's the way it is. They aren't doing anything unusual with that.

 

I would send a card with a gift card within your budget limitations, or just a card. I don't think inquiring about the reception, registry, etc. obligates you to do anything, however. I think responding to kindness with kindness is the main deal.