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10yoDD needs to go to school-she is ruining our homeschool


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Well, I am seriously LOL now. Guess what I did today? When the kids ticked me off, I hissed. Literally. I hissed with cat fang face. And they kept on, so I hissed a bit louder and clawed the air. And added a few feral RAAAWWWRRs. Then they stopped being evil trolls and did what I had asked. We are a cat family though. My mom never hissed the fun way. :tongue_smilie:

 

 

LOL! Sometimes I growl at them like a bear. I can't seem to help it. :lol:

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I guess we can't always hide ALL signs of frustration, huh? :tongue_smilie:

 

 

I learned not so long ago that I was really not allowing her to express her frustration, which was causing even MORE frustration. When I ignored the growling, she does it less now. Go figure. :huh:

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It was funny because we were watching a show on NatGeo where the bears or the lions would briefly growl at their cubs when they were being annoying, and I said, "hey, I do that to you guys sometimes!" They thought that was pretty funny.

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Thanks for this--totally fridge-worthy. Wow, it so perfectly describes my 8yo ds and some of the bits and pieces that I've figured out about dealing with him. I think do-overs to let him save face and start again would likely work really well with him. We've already discovered how essential spending good, quality time with him is--it makes a huge difference.

 

 

Oh my gosh, YES! I was a stubborn, proud kid. Even at a very young age, I remember being embarrassed about being bossed around and corrected. Now, obviously a parent is the boss and kids sometimes require correction. But my parents kind of...shamed me (for lack of a better word). They figured out that my worst punishment was standing in the corner because it was just beyond humiliating to me. (I had to actually put my nose in the corner!) The more I resisted being bossed, the more authoritarian and punitive they became. Seems a natural enough reaction, except that the more they dug their heels in, the more I dug mine in. I dug my heels in AND built a wall. A big, insurmountable wall. And I was too proud to ever scale that wall either, so that was that. I felt that they wanted to break me, but I refused to be broken. I wanted them to care, hear me, listen, know me. I truly felt like they just wanted me to mind. Now, as an adult and parent myself, I know that they were doing the best they could with a freakishly headstrong daughter, but the effects of an adversarial relationship remain to this day. We "get along" but we are not close.

 

My DD is a dreamer, and I think I was a dreamer too. She is definitely a mini-me. I know she often wishes she could take back words but that if I scold her too harshly, or too soon, or if I shame her, she will be mortaring her own bricks before I know it. So I let her save face. I talk. I am gentle, even when she is not. Sometimes I have to bite my tongue (literally!) and sometimes we both need to cool off before talking, but if I stay calm and try to listen more than I talk, she always comes around. The big things I am always sure to do are to apologize for my own misbehavior first (gets her argument out of the way and sets an example) and tell her about times in my childhood when I made the same mistakes she is in trouble for at the time. I try to make myself her ally.

 

All that said, because I know someone is thinking this... She does not get away with stuff. She still faces consequences and gets in all kinds of trouble :tongue_smilie:, but there is always a dialogue and she always knows that mistakes and their consequences are a natural part of growing up. I used to joke that I had Perfect Child Syndrome. I didn't think my kids were perfect. I was just apparently delusional, thinking that they ought to be. I mean, if you would have asked me if my kids were or ought to be perfect, I would have laughed. But how else could you explain how we would all be having a perfectly lovely day and then one of the kids would misbehave and I would be...surprised? Upset? Angry? LOL Why? Turns out, kids misbehave! :tongue_smilie: And that's to be expected. That's when I put 2 and 2 together to realize that the real problem we were having was my extremely puppet-like reaction to my kids' misbehavior.

 

So, for the kids... You lack self-control? Let me help you with that. It's a natural part of growing up. You lied? Let me help you grow past that. I lied when I was a kid too. It's a natural part of growing up. You are in trouble for being sassy? Let me help you with that. Discerning when being sassy is fun/joking/appropriate and when it's not is a natural part of growing up. You are angry? Let me help you talk through that...when you feel ready to talk. It is OK to tell me you are mad at me. Learning how without having a temper tantrum is a natural part of growing up.

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My dd12 is oppositional when it comes to school work and sometimes chores. It is so frustrating because she is clearly able to do the work but doesn't want to. Frankly, I have cut out a lot of cool things we could be doing academically because her behaviors have been putting her behind in core subjects. We are half a year behind in math which is nonsense because she understands the math, the first time and even sometimes halfway through an explanation, she simply does not want to do it. She doesn't like it. Luckily we are part of a charter umbrella and she has a couple of math teachers that she works with besides me. Guess what, she isn't as snarky with them, but she tunes them out. One on one! How the #)(*R#) are we supposed to get through a year of math if we are only allowed to burden her with 4 problems a day, lol. If it is a subject she likes she will do it no problem. She lets me teach her and work with her and she will patiently work through the assignment.

 

After the school psychologist (who I work with because I have a dd with autism) suggested that I ask her dr to evaluate her for add I started to do some research. Turns out that adhd in girls looks like pms on steroids. So her doctor suggested that we try an experiment; give dd some caffeine before school time and see what happens. So I made my dd drink coke 30 before we started school and I thought aliens had traded children with me. She was grumbly, but did her work with little complaint. She did a months worth of math in a week. She did all of her school work in just a couple of hours instead of all day and evening. I don't know where we go from here, but this has all been eye opening. Just food for thought.

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We had a long talk about letting our emotions get the better of us and how we sometimes might wish for a do-over. When she would cop her crazy attitude, I would point out she would probably like a chance to do that over. She would (usually) go to her room and come out better. If she did, we moved on. There was no punishment. This started at about 10 and now at 13 she rarely needs to do this. She feels safer and has much better control of her emotions. I don't know if this would work with others, but I remember so desperately being that kid and wishing I could just start things over. So, I gave dd the chance I never had and it's worked out well. We're close now and she's actually a joy to be around at thirteen.

 

This is pretty much what I did. I felt like I had to show that the behavior was unacceptable while preserving her dignity. Having no-pressure one-on-one time helps too. Mine enjoys shopping for her own clothes and driving alone with me to do an errand or two.

 

And it usually gets better. Mine are past that age now. and there are other issues. Parenting!

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I think school can be a good choice (mine is there) but with several caveats.

I'm not exactly sure how to word this--

Sometimes, when kids are behaving and continue to behave in ways that the family cannot cope with, that family needs to get help. School can be a way of getting that help. But sometimes, the kid gets the message, which is not the intended message, that he/she is so BAD or uncontrollable or such a problem that he/she must be SENT AWAY, and that it is a relief for the parent not to have that child around. While it may, indeed, be a relief of sorts, some children then feel that what they see as their core way of being is rejected. It is hard for some to differentiate between unacceptable behavior and unacceptable "self."

 

That's not a good "place" to grow up in.

 

This subject hurts to discuss, because we had to send our child away, multiple times, so please take any of my post you wish with a grain of salt.

 

As far as having mom be mom and not teacher, I just don't see how this works. Like a PP said, there will always be times you ask your child to do something he doesn't want to, even if he's schooled outside the home. "Mom" is not always the cookie-baker, "let's play" person. We are always in the role of teacher, because that is a sub-role (if that's a word!) of being a mother. What kids seem to be rejecting, imo, is part of the mom-ness (another invented word!) that just comes with the territory. Better to get a handle on that than think you can divorce yourself from that part of your life as a parent.

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OK, for us I am now what I consider on "the other side" of this mountain with our emotional/dramatic dd who is almost 13. A friend encouraged me a few years ago that one of hers was similar and that things started to improve AFTER she started her cycles. It isn't that there are no more emotional outbursts, unreasonable thinking, etc. but they are far less intensive and less often and can usually be improved with a nap if necessary - not to mention a conversation about how she was feeling can also be accomplished :hurray: . My dd had one two days ago, sent her to bed for an hour and woke up much better. Then yesterday I talked with her in the morning, asked her if she was doing better today and she said yes. She was an amazing child yesterday - planned out her last weeks of school setting a goal to get certain subjects done by a certain date, etc.

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