How sad the end of life can be.

[Doran]

I'm in tears now after reading an email from my brother describing my father's admittance to a nursing home yesterday. I was fully aware that this was going to happen, not just in a general sense, but down to the day and time. My mother, in fact, called me from the parking lot of the facility right before they went in. I choked back my emotions then, in an effort to be supportive. But, here at my desk, with not another soul around to see, I have come unglued.

 

My brother told of how my father cried at hearing the news that the time had come (they waited to tell him, to minimize the oppressive worry that would have overtaken him immediately), that my mother was no longer able to care for him at home. The director of the nursing home even came to their house to soften the blow and provide helpful explanations. My mother was there. And, a caregiver, Pat, who is an angel to my family. My kids are there, in the midst of all of this. This has been my father's most abiding fear - though he has so many. Today, my mother tells me that he has gone from being sad to being spitting mad. Little details of his care have already slipped through the cracks, but it's all so new, I'm not completely surprised by that. The staff are doing their best with a new member of their "community".

 

Yet, I can hardly describe the pain I feel for my father right now, despite the fact that I believe this to be the best of a host of imperfect choices. Aside from being confused by his new surroundings, I fear he is going to feel utterly abandoned by those who love him. I am thinking of how often our elderly feel this way, whether justified or not. I am thinking, even, how tragic it may be, for some, that as a society, we are now capable of extending life past the point of our bodies' and minds' ability to function properly. There are countless numbers of souls for whom stepping out of this journey on earth would be a blessing.

 

I know that many of you have walked or are walking a similar paths, so I am not alone in my heartache. I also know that there is little anyone can say to make this hurdle anything but what it is. For the therapeutic effect it offers me, and for the possibility that what I'm going through now could help someone else at another time, I appreciate the opportunity to write this out. There is hope in the fact that some kind, gentle-man, a resident, introduced himself to my father last night and sat with him at dinner. We will get through this together.

[Crissy]

Oh, Doran. What a sad time for all of you.

I will continue to pray.

[Denise in IN]

I have tears reading this...such a hard time for your family, Doran.

 

Your father is so blessed to have a loving, attentive family. Your love and care for him will make this difficult time as good as it possibly can be for him.

 

Praying for you and your family. :grouphug:

[elegantlion]

:grouphug: Hugs and prayers for you and your family.

[TammyinTN]

:grouphug: I'm praying for you and your family. I wish I had words to bring you comfort..but know all to well that words just want cut it right now. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

[plain jane]

Doran :grouphug: this is such a difficult time for you and your family. I'm choking back the tears just reading your post. Words evade me right now but I wanted to offer you some :grouphug: and support.

[sdWTMer]

Oh, Doran. I totally can feel what you are going through at this time. My dad is a diabetic who recently had his first leg amputated. We realize that if he has a 2nd one, for a time, he might have to go into a nursing home as well. But I can rest well because I have 3 tenacious siblings whom I know that will look after him as well as my mom.

 

My heart aches for you right now. It is definitely a new, uncertain journey, is it not?

 

 

Here's a hug for you! Hang in there!

[Tammyla]

Hugs and prayers.:grouphug:

[Mama Lynx]

Oh, Doran :grouphug:

[JennifersLost]

Just hugs. I wish life could be a more graceful thing all around.

[Amy in Orlando]

:grouphug::grouphug:

[Sophia]

:grouphug:

[Mom2legomaniacs]

Lots of :grouphug: and prayers.

[DB in NJ]

Oh, Doran.....my heart hurts for you. I couldn't agree with you more that life prolonged for the sake of prolonging it is not necessarily a good thing.

 

:grouphug: I'm crying with you, my friend...

[sleepy]

It's heartbreaking. I'm so sorry, Doran. :grouphug:

[Brindee]

:grouphug: I'm so sorry this time has come! :crying: All I can do is pray and give you hugs! So I am doing that!

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Tina]

I'm so sorry. BTDT. I was there every night after work when my ex-mil (and fil) went into the nursing home. I felt so bad, but there was no other option. They had been living with us already. It is a very hard thing to do. Not really any easier 20 years later with current mil. :(

 

:grouphug:

[Remudamom]

Doggone, you got me too. Prayers that your dad can transition easily, and that in his doing so you will have some peace in your heart too.

[EKS]

(((Doran)))

[Harriet Vane]

:grouphug:

 

I have told you (and the Hive) before about my aunt with the brain tumor. She's not that much older than me, and we grew up very much as sisters. (Our mothers had a business together so we were together all the time.)

 

When my aunt's brain damage became apparent, the extension of her life became a curse. She lives with terrible anxiety, confusion, and depression, as well as significant health effects.

 

When it was time for her to go to a nursing home, it was desperately, sadly, obvious that it had to happen. Her husband just cannot raise five small children AND care for his brain-damaged wife 24/7.

 

Yet it was so sad, and it continues to be sad. She's so very, very homesick and misses her children and husband terribly.

 

There are bright spots. I have learned to thank God for minor miracles. Thank God for Ruthie, the aid who helps my aunt dress each day. We would be lost without Ruthie, who treats my aunt like a friend. I also thank God for a paraplegic who lives on another floor, but has very kindly helped my aunt burn several CDs of her favorite music. He's been so kind to her! There are other residents who visit my aunt from other floors. I am also thankful that the nursing home is in an affluent community--even though it's a sub-par county facility, there are a lot of volunteers and programs available to my aunt.

 

Your father will make friends and fall into the rhythms there. It will be okay. Just keep putting one step in front of the other.

 

It's okay, too, to grieve this part of his journey. I know I do, all too often.

 

:grouphug:

[Jenny in Atl]

:grouphug:

[King Alfred Academy]

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

I am sorry for your pain.

[gandpsmommy]

Doran, my thoughts are with you and your family. In a small way I know a little of what you are feeling. My grandmother has been in a nursing home for a few months now, and I feel so sad whenever I visit. She has had a hard time walking for years now because of very poor knees. She had knee replacements 20 years ago, and they are worn out and not functioning correctly. She fell and broke her leg. She had to have surgery, and now she cannot walk until the bone heals because her other knee cannot support her weight on it's own. She has hope that she might be able go back to her house if her leg heals enough for her to put some weight on it so she can move herself from a wheelchair to her bed, bed to wheelchair, etc. But, I'm not sure if that will ever happen.

 

My grandma is the kind of person who remains positive. She tries to be cheerful and chatty when we visit. But it still breaks my heart. It is so institutional and impersonal. I wish so badly that our family could be caring for her in a familiar setting, rather than leaving her with strangers. And yet, I agree with your statement that as people we all help each other get through this together. There is a sweet lady who lives across the hall from my grandma. She is legally blind, but she can still get around. The staff helped her prepare a plot of ground outside for a garden and she enjoys gardening. She brought my grandma some cucumbers and a tomato that she had grown. It doesn't seem like much, but somehow that act really touched my heart.

 

My 4.5yo ds has the hardest time with it. He tells me often that he wishes Granny could be at her house again, so that we could go visit her there. He wants to go eat lunch with her and watch movies in her living room, like he used to. But he also told me he doesn't like to go to the nursing home, but he knows that Granny really likes it when we come to visit. It's so hard.

 

I'm sorry if I have been focusing too much on my situation. I know it must be even more difficult with your father because of his condition. My heart goes out to you and your family. I am sad with you.

[Colleen]

No words. They aren't sufficient.

[Sharon H in IL]

So sorry, Doran. My family had to put my grandma in a nursing home for the final 6 months of her life, after having her live with my brother & his family for 5 years.

 

She had made up her mind to like living there, she said. But no matter how often we came, it just wasn't a happy thing. At least her body didn't keep her alive much beyond her capacity to live. Her case of Alzheimer's was about as good as that disease gets.

 

Peace to your dad and your family.

[3lilreds in NC]

Oh, Doran, I'm so sorry.

 

I was a nurse's aide for a few years in the summers, to make money for college. I loved working with the residents there. Such neat people. And, so sad to see them there, because often the care was not what it could have been and so many of them were so lonely. It's not an easy place to see someone you love.

 

And, I know you're slowly losing your dad and grieving that too. I haven't been there yet, but I have seen it happen and I can't imagine how painful it is.

 

Hugs to you, friend. I'm sorry you and your family have to go through this. I will be praying for comfort for all of you, and for the best of transitions for your dad. It sounds like there is already good stuff going on there.

[Storm Bay]

:grouphug: Oh, Doran, I feel for you. My late grandmother spent the last years of her life first in a nursing home and then in the hospital with stroke induced dementia. In her case, she ended up happier because she had company all the time, but it was hard for her to go. My mother & her local sister were there to see her almost every single day, although sometimes she thought they were her sisters, etc, and at the end she didn't seem to know anyone.

 

I hope your father adjusts well and that he's able to get visitors as close to daily as possible, because then he'll feel less abandoned. Plus I hope he makes some good friends there.

[OnTheBrink]

:grouphug::grouphug: and :grouphug:

[Heather in the Kootenays]

We're approaching that stage with my parents. :grouphug:

[Kathleen in VA]

Doran,

 

I will be praying for you and your entire family during this time of transition. I will especially be praying that the staff at the nursing home will be very attentive to your father's needs and be quick to make him as comfortable as possible.

 

:grouphug:

[Dayle in Guatemala]

:grouphug:Doran:

 

I'm continuing to pray for your family. :grouphug:

[Chris in VA]

Doran, I have no real words of comfort. I dread the time when I am faced with such decisions. For sure, there will be great mourning on all sides.

You'll be in my prayers tonight, fwiw, and so will your mum and dad.

chris

[Doran]

It has not been one of my finer days, emotionally. But, some days are like that, are they not? We move forward, as we can, and try to find peace. Thank you all so much.

[HS in NZ]

My dad is in a nursing home too. So, I can relate.:grouphug:It IS very hard to see how life is in the later years.

[sadiegirl]

I am so sad for you and your family. I know these days are ahead for my husband and me. We both have our parents with us and they are all healthy. I count my blessings every day with that fact.

I hope for peace of mind for you and your loved ones.

Stay strong.

[Sweetpeach]

Sweet Doran, I feel so sad for the pain you feel . . . and I'm hoping for an easy transition for your Daddy into his new surroundings.

 

This boardie buddy is sending you her best love, peace and goodness . . . I'm hoping you find this road just a bit easier knowing that we love you.

 

xoxoxoxoxo

Tricia

[Danestress]

And you are right that no one can say anything to make it much easier, but :grouphug:.

[*anj*]

Doran,

I have no words of wisdom, only empathy and tenderness toward you in this difficult time. :grouphug:

[Liz CA]

I'm in tears now after reading an email from my brother describing my father's admittance to a nursing home yesterday.

My brother told of how my father cried at hearing the news that the time had come (they waited to tell him, to minimize the oppressive worry that would have overtaken him immediately), that my mother was no longer able to care for him at home.

 

This must have been one of the hardest days for you.

I remember a few "older" cowboys around here who always say they want to die falling off their horse.

You are right! Is the end of life (or even the latter years) really supposed to look like that? I wish there were easy answers!

 

:grouphug:

[Karen sn]

The staff are doing their best with a new member of their "community".

 

I am thinking, even, how tragic it may be, for some, that as a society, we are now capable of extending life past the point of our bodies' and minds' ability to function properly. There are countless numbers of souls for whom stepping out of this journey on earth would be a blessing.

 

 

 

(((Doran)))

I have not yet had to face this with my mother. (Father already passed - when I was a teen). But I can tell you this - there are sweet RN's, LPN's, CNA's etc.. who ARE in this job because they love old folks. And these are the people I hope your father has caring for him. Keep us posted on the staff.

 

About physical life and our souls stepping out. You are correct. My own 98yo grandmother told us to pray for her death, she was tired, it was overdue. She was ready.

 

I don't know why some people have to stay long after they are ready - but I do believe there is a reason. Usually I think it is that of affecting others. I can not tell you how much I have learned myself caring for the elderly and the dying.

 

Is he nearby?

[Doran]

(((Doran)))

 

 

Is he nearby?

 

 

My parents live in NC, so they are within a day's drive for me. Not easy, but doable.

 

I think you're right about there being a "reason" for people lingering in life, though watching my father, I'd say the lessons are pretty huge in both directions -- what this time is teaching us, his family, and what it is that is still unresolved for him. I just hope we're all getting the proper messages.

 

Thanks for your thoughts.

[Guest Virginia Dawn]

:grouphug:

 

Tears are flowing for you and your family.

[Lizzie in Ma]

:grouphug:

[wheezie]

Many tears and prayers for your family. How I dread the day that my MIL goes to a nursing home. She has Alzheimer's and already, in the course of just 2 months, has gone from being the sweetest person to being combative/aggressive/hard to get along with that it's just heartbreaking. We know it's the disease "talking", but we're well aware that it will get to the point that we just won't be able to offer her the care and safety she deserves.

 

Again, many prayers! What a tough thing. :(

[TravelingChris]

:grouphug: for you.

 

The transition can be very hard but I hope he adjusts.

[Scarlett]

I'm so sorry Doran. :crying:

 

:grouphug: I just have no words.

[Sparkle]

I'm sorry. I know this is so painful for you and your family. :( I've been praying for you and I'll keep doing so.

 

I hope your father transitions well and comes to a peaceful acceptance. I also know that wish/hope of not wanting a loved one to suffer or completely lose their quality of life before death comes to take them. I've been there with my parents and grandmother, and just recently with a friend's mother. Try to think positive thoughts - a lot of times our fears are worse than the reality, ya know? :grouphug:

[autumndivona]

Doran,

 

I know what this is like and what you are going through. Hang in there; be with your family as much as possible. You are in my thoughts.

[Beebalm]

Doran,

I'm so sorry for your pain. Maybe I can help with one thing. When we went through this journey with my dad, I felt so guilty and helpless because I felt like I was supposed to be able to take care of him. I felt like his needs could be better met by one of his kids. I was wrong. Professional nurses and aides can assess and address needs much more practically and take care of our folks without the emotional pain we experience. While we might feel disrespectful or despondent because we can't make our parent understand, they can very professionally deal with personal issues that arise. Professionals have enough emotional distance to handle things MUCH better than the children. With my dad, my siblings and I reached the state of total emotional and physical exhaustion before we found wonderful caregivers in a nursing facility. No, it's not perfect...for any of you. But you can know that he's taken care of in a situation that your family can manage. You are NOT deserting him. I'll pray for your family to have peace through this transition and that you'll grow closer to one another. Support each other, even when you don't always totally agree with every care decision. And yes, it's okay to fall apart occasionally. I'll be thinking of you through the week.