Teens, Freedom, and 'Tudes, Oh My

[MamaBirdX7]

We are conservative introverts. We currently let our teen go out once during the week, and once or twice on weekends, home by 11. Not enough freedom for her taste. It seems plenty to conservative introverts. Said teen also is in a sport and goes to public school.

 

*Edited, removed personal details and Added - hangs out after school w/ friends until practice starts, home by 5ish. She generally has one sports game during the week and one on Saturday, which means gone all day if it's an away game. So she's out and about quite a bit with just sports. Plus has homework.

 

So, as a guage on what average teenage freedom looks like:

What does your 16 year old's social schedule look like?

How often does your child hang out during the week?

What about weekends?

How late at night?

What does spring break freedom look like at your house?

Rules for driving, being allowed to drive?

[Lisa in SC]

Our high school rules are: weeknight curfew 10 p.m., weekend curfew midnight. We consider extending on a case by case basis. Once teen has a car, she can drive to destination once we're told of plans and as long as curfew is observed. Hanging out with friends isn't restricted as long as grades stay up. This varies weekly. Sometimes it's twice, sometimes it's 5 or more times.

 

Spring break trips are with our family or the family of a friend during freshman and sophomore years. Junior and Senior years plans are considered based on many factors. For example, my 17 year old senior will be driving with a friend to a seaside city 3 hours away where they'll stay for the week with the friend's older sister. This child is very mature and sensible, and we're fine with her plan. She has gone on week long school club trips to San Antonio, Anaheim, Orlando, and Nashville each year of high school. the kids are allowed to explore the cities in small groups, so she's comfortable in those types of situations. Besides, she's off to college at the beginning of August, so bits of freedom are a good thing, in dh and my opinion.

 

The bottom line is: each parent needs to make these decisions on a per child basis within the confines of a particular family's guidelines and comfort level. However, I believe that giving freedoms as the child shows readiness helps develop confidence and independence. But that's just what I think. It doesn't mean anyone else needs to agree. ;)

[Dory]

The average curfews of healthy families around here is 10 during weekdays and 11 during weekends unless there is something special going on. So long as homework is done first, most the families I know are pretty loose on what their teens do through the week. They always talk about what's going on, but most of them let the child make more decisions about what they are doing and how to balance their lives.

[Catwoman]

The average curfews of healthy families around here is 10 during weekdays and 11 during weekends unless there is something special going on.

 

What are the average curfews of the unhealthy families? ;)

[In The Great White North]

What does your 16 year old's social schedule look like? Swim team is her social life

How often does your child hang out during the week? Never. She goes to swim practice, comes home, eats and goes to bed.

What about weekends? Meets

How late at night? She goes to bed between 9 and 10.

What does spring break freedom look like at your house? An even bigger, longer, further away meet.

Rules for driving, being allowed to drive? Still working on scheduling driver's ed.

 

Dd(18) doesn't "hang out" either, and neither did ds(21) didn't when he was in high school. They chose activities they liked to do, with people they liked to be with and that formed their social lives.

[BakersDozen]

What does your 16 year old's social schedule look like?

How often does your child hang out during the week?

What about weekends?

How late at night?

What does spring break freedom look like at your house?

Rules for driving, being allowed to drive?

 

Schedule: Her schoolwork, dance practice and Bible Quiz take up most of her time. Social activities happen on a Saturday afternoon or evening (we reserve Fridays for family night) or during outside activities.

 

Our teens don't "hang out", such as I remember it being. Today my 3 oldest spent the afternoon disc golfing with some friends, after which they all went to Bible Quiz. After Quiz, they come straight home. If they are with friends it is outside doing something active or at a house with parents present (typically the entire family goes to socialize). No hanging out at the movie theatre, etc. Not because we have a rule against it so much as it seems useless (in our dc's opinion) and they'd rather be doing something than doing "nothing".

 

Night lateness: We have a "curfew" of 10pm with rare exception on weekends. Just last Saturday my girls spent the later part of the afternoon and then evening playing games at a friend's house. Since this friend lives an hour away, I drove my dds then stayed and worked on school planning. We left at about 9:45 for home. Events which they attend on their own (Contra Dance, for example) they are allowed to stay out past 10 yet we pick them up right after the event is done. That's only weekends. Weekday activities are limited to 8:30 so we are home at a decent hour. I really protect our weekday nights (thankfully there is only one evening out of the entire week we are not home).

 

Spring Break has pretty much looked the same around here for years: Up at normal time (6:45), half day of school, Irish step dance performances. They don't get an entire week off. Any "break" has some schoolwork, chores, family activities, and friends involved. It's a balance of stuff.

 

Driving: None of our dc have their license yet. When dd gets her license this summer it will be for the purpose of driving to CC in the fall. Since the majority of activities we take part in involve many of our dc, I can't see her having a lot of alone drive time. I suppose we will have the same rules for our driving teens as their friends have: curfew respectfully observed, plans made known to us, etc. Since dd will have to contribute gas $ anytime she drives that is non-essential, I imagine casual driving will be kept to a minimum (at least I hope so, lol).

 

We're in our first go-round of the teen years, so anything (and everything) above can and probably will be altered due to experience (ie: making mistakes), personality of dc, etc. Attitude will play a huge factor. Our 15yos has an attitude that is less than desirable, so his freedoms will be greatly different than his older sister's.

 

We are also very fortunate in that their friends have rules/guidelines similar to what we have. Makes for less conflict. ;)

[Trilliums]

My teens probably aren't average/typical as they are on the Aspie range and only have two friends they ever meet outside of school (and this is usually inviting them to our house or going over to their house). One friend lives in the neighborhood so it is easy for them to get together. They are also in ps full time this year. Neither one drives yet, although my 16 yo could. I am not opposed to him learning to drive and having access to a car, He is very cautious, has good judgment and excelling in school is his top priority. I do not know what kind of limitations we would put on driving though.

 

They can be out in the neighborhood on weekdays until 9 or 9:30. By 9:30 they need to be getting ready for bed. They both like to read or listen to audio books in bed. If they go to bed late, they still have the same routine and just end up tired the next morning. They need to be home for dinner or I need to know they have been invited to eat over at a friend's house. The one friend we invite over regularly on weekdays is usually picked up by 8pm. Weekends it is 10:30 but they are rarely out that late. They are not interested in going to casual group activities, parties, the mall, etc. The neighborhood friend has started hanging out at the mall quite a lot so they see her less often now. Also, during the winter they tend to stay home a lot more.

 

My 16 yo did recently question the "be inside by 9:30pm" rule. He has never over slept or been late for school and he did present his side of why he should be allowed to stay out as late as he choose. He still has to be in by 9:30 though.

 

I do not think I would limit the number of nights they could go out per week unless they were not getting school work done, hanging out with kids I thought were not safe, consistently coming home late or displaying some other negative behavior. I couldn't imagine them being gone from dinner regularly. I think I would miss their company. They have no money so they couldn't eat out and they don't have enough friends to sponge off. If they were out of the house for long periods of time on a regular basis, I would put restrictions on the number of days.

[Forget-Me-Not]

Never mind

[Forget-Me-Not]

DP

[Wheres Toto]

So, as a guage on what average teenage freedom looks like:

What does your 16 year old's social schedule look like? I'll answer for my oldest when she was 16. She was a competitive dancer so spent most afternoons until around 9:30pm at the dance studio. She also had a job working at the studio when she was 16.

How often does your child hang out during the week? She very rarely hung out during the week due to the dance schedule. If she did, it was usually right after school.

What about weekends? She had an 11pm curfew on weekends, unless it was a special occasion. She was allowed to stay out later if it was something special (example, until a dance ended with enough time to get home). She was allowed to sleep over at friends houses.

How late at night?

What does spring break freedom look like at your house? IF her Spring Break from school was the same as her Spring Break from dance (not always the case), she was allowed out until 11pm, like any other non-school night.

Rules for driving, being allowed to drive? NJ doesn't allow a drivers license until 17 and then it is provisional with rules about number of kids in the car, etc. She was expected to abide by those rules as a passenger in that she was not to be a passenger in a car with too many riders for a provisional driver. I seemed to be the only parent willing to drive, so that limited her social life some since I wasn't willing to drive her every night for a week (Spring Break) or both nights of the weekend. Especially with all the driving I did for dance.

 

 

Nobody would call me conservative but I'm a definite introvert. Dd is definitely neither.

[Jenny in Florida]

I don't have a 16 year old at the moment. And my daughter's situation was so different from the norm that I doubt anything I shared about her would be helpful.

 

My son is 15, though, and I can tell you about him?

 

So, as a guage on what average teenage freedom looks like:

What does your 16 year old's social schedule look like?

How often does your child hang out during the week?

What about weekends?

How late at night?

What does spring break freedom look like at your house?

Rules for driving, being allowed to drive?

 

His social schedule isn't especially packed these days. He is the only one of his close friends who is still homeschooling, and most of them are very busy with school stuff. He is out and about frequently, but it's not "hanging out." He goes to choir rehearsal on Mondays, where he visits with other choristers before rehearsal begins and during their half-hour snack break. After that, he goes to a dance class. On Tuesdays, he's at the dance studio again for a few hours. It's a small, family-run studio, where he is friendly with other kids in his classes and on the competition team, as well as the teachers. He often has a break between classes, and he enjoys hanging out and chatting then. He has a similar schedule on Wednesdays. He volunteers at the science museum two Thursday afternoons a month for a three-hour shift, where he is paired with another youth volunteer, some of whom he likes more than others.

 

He goes to church most Sundays, where he participates in religious education classes and youth group and also has 30 minutes or so to just socialize. He is in the midst of competition season with is dance team and attending an event once or twice a month, where he has a few hours of hanging out backstage with his team-mates. He usually has something purely social on the calendar a couple of times a month.

 

How late? Pretty much as late as things run, to be honest. We don't have a curfew.

 

He's not getting a spring break, because we're behind with school. So, it's life as usual this week, except for the fact that the dance studio is closed. In general, though, it wouldn't be any different from the rest of the year.

 

We had not intended to let him get his driver's permit right away. However, he came to us shortly after his 15th birthday with calm, logical arguments that persuaded us he should be allowed to go forward. At this point, he's still working on his driver education course and won't be driving on his own for a year. Once we're in that territory, we'll have to negotiate specific rules.

[Joker]

My oldest is only 13 but dh and I think we will treat her like we were treated. My curfew during the week was dinner time. We always had dinner together unless there was a really good excuse. My curfew on weekends was usually midnight. My parents didn't regulate us much as long as we were home by curfew and had good grades. So, I was able to hang out with friends after school and on the weekends rather often. A lot of time my friends and I would hang out after school together and do homework, so it's not like we were rebels. I stayed at a friend's house often on the weekends as well but my mom expected me home early the next day. My siblings and I also had part time jobs which kept us busy.

 

I, and all of my siblings, were driving at sixteen and were given quite a bit of freedom. I don't expect to give my dd's quite as much freedom with driving but I expect them to have some form of employment and drive themselves to and from that as well as get themselves to and from school by sixteen.

 

I have no idea what spring break will be like. Dd is only 13 but has had three sleepovers already this week. The rest of the week will be dedicated to family, church, and Easter. I expect there will be changes but only because she will have a job. I know many say it is hard for teens to find employement, but my local Publix and the local restaurants here are full of teens and always hiring. The grocer starts hiring at 14 so I expect her to be there soon.

[Trish]

A sophomore teen girl, whose friends are mostly seniors, and mostly boys? That scenario seems a little off to me, to begin with. How did she cultivate these friendships with mostly older boys?

[Joanne]

OK. I'll be the "other" voice.

 

Why do you "boo" the fact that her friends are guys?

 

Is punishing her by stripping her social time *really* going to get you to where you want to go?

 

She has a different perspective on "hanging out", "friend time", and socialization. She's 16, her own human. There is nothing inherently right about either perspective.

 

She's not out doing drugs, having sex, being destructive with property, or disrespecting people.

 

I give my kids near complete freedom at that age. As long as they are not doing anything illegal, disrespectful, and their chores, school, and other responsibilties are done.

 

Curfews and driving correlate with local and state laws for their age and level of license.

[Trish]

I would have a different set of rules for sophomores than for seniors. So, if my DD or DS were hanging around with mostly seniors, I would say that's fine, you can hang out with them, but you still have to obey your sophomore curfew. I would add that "your senior friends probably have a later curfew and different rules because they are older than you are."